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Transcript

Quick Lift: The Hard Conversation You're Avoiding (and How to Have It) · Loud & Lifted

• 0:00
  Welcome to Loud and Lifted Quick Lift. I'm Betsy
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  Hamm, and this is where we take the key takeaways
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  from a full episode and turn it into something
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  you can actually use this week. Today, we're
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  pulling from a conversation with Casey D 'Amato
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  about big decisions, emotional intelligence,
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  outside pressure, and finding clarity when everything
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  else feels loud. And there was one idea from
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  that conversation that has stayed with me. Sometimes
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  we're not stuck on the decision. We're avoiding
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  the conversations that come after it. Annoying,
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  right? Because we tell ourselves we need more
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  information, more time, another meeting, a better
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  plan, maybe one more spreadsheet, although personally,
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  it's never the spreadsheet. But a lot of time,
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  we already know the answer. We know the role
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  is no longer working. We know the partnership
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  has run its course. We know someone is not meeting
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  our expectations, and we know that the workload
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  is unsustainable. The decision may be uncomfortable,
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  but it's not actually unclear. What feels unclear
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  is everything that comes next. What will they
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  say? Will they be angry, disappointed? Will they
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  think I'm selfish, difficult, disloyal? Will
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  they make it a whole thing? I mean, you know
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  the type. So instead of having that conversation,
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  we try to solve around it. We add another process,
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  move responsibilities around. take on more ourselves,
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  give one more chance without clearly saying it's
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  the last chance. We wait for the perfect moment,
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  which oddly enough never appears on the calendar.
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  And this is where avoidance gets tricky because
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  it can look a lot like leadership. We're working,
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  we're problem solving, trying to protect the
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  team, being thoughtful or patient. But are we
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  leading the issue forward or are we just making
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  ourselves busier so we don't have to deal with
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  the part that feels so personal? I have done
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  this. I have told myself I was waiting for more
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  clarity. Deep down, what I was waiting for was
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  the conversation to somehow become less uncomfortable.
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  It never does, by the way. So let's make this
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  practical. Four steps to get out of the loop
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  and move toward the conversation you already
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  know you need to have. Number one, name the conversation.
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  Before you solve anything, name the conversation
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  you're avoiding. Who is the person and what do
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  you actually need to say? not the soft inversion,
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  not the opening paragraph you're writing in your
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  head to prove you're still a good person, and
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  not the 12 supporting details you plan to use
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  so there's absolutely no chance they can disagree
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  with you. What is the truth in one sentence?
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  Maybe it's the partnership is no longer working,
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  or your performance is not meeting the expectations
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  of this role, or I made a decision that you may
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  not agree with. The one sentence matters because
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  we often make the conversation harder. by trying
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  to make the truth impossible to feel. We add
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  so much context and apology and explanation that
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  the other person cannot tell what we're actually
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  saying. Is this feedback, a warning, a request,
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  a final decision? You know what I'm talking about.
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  Clarity is not cruelty. You do not have to say
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  everything in one sentence, but you should know
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  the point of the conversation in one sentence.
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  So action item, write down the person's name
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  and the one sentence you have been avoiding.
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  Do not write the speech yet, just write the truth.
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  Step two, make sure you've made the decision.
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  Sometimes we avoid the conversation because we're
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  scared. Other times we avoid it because we genuinely
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  have not made the decision yet. Those are not
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  the same problems. This is where Casey's head,
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  heart, and gut framework is so useful. It separates
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  the different inputs instead of letting them
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  all swirl together in one giant feeling of, I
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  don't know. So let's start with your head. What
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  does the data say? Look at the facts, the numbers,
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  the performance, the pattern, the history. Is
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  the situation improving? Have expectations been
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  clear? Have you already provided support or feedback
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  along the way? Then look at the heart. Who is
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  affected and what are you feeling? Who may be
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  hurt? What relationship could change? Are you
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  staying because of loyalty, guilt, fear, or maybe
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  just responsibility? Or are you trying to protect
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  someone from a feeling that they may need to
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  experience? And then the gut. What do you know?
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  Not what can you prove in a PowerPoint? Not what
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  everybody else thinks you should do? When the
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  noise quiets down, what do you already know?
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  Casey's rule is that two of the three need to
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  align and I love that because all three may never
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  agree. Your head and gut may say it's time to
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  leave while your heart is sad about what you're
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  losing. The goal is not to eliminate every uncomfortable
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  feeling. The goal is to understand whether the
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  discomfort means the decision is wrong or simply
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  that the decision has a cost. When I made my
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  own career pivot, it was not because every part
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  of me felt calm and certain. There was excitement,
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  but there was also grief, fear, identity, and
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  a lot of questions about what came next. A decision
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  can be right and still feel heavy. Action item,
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  create three columns, head, heart, gut. Answer
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  each one separately. Then ask, where do two of
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  the three align? Step three, notice what avoidance
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  is costing you. Avoiding the conversation does
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  not keep things neutral. It actually creates
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  a cost. Maybe you keep doing work that belongs
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  to someone else. Maybe your strongest team members
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  are frustrated because an issue is not being
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  addressed. Maybe you're losing sleep, replaying
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  imaginary versions of the conversation. And maybe
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  you're becoming resentful toward a person who
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  does not even know they're the problem. And sometimes
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  the person on the other side already knows something
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  is off. They feel the tension. They notice the
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  vague feedback. They just don't know what it
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  means. Silence does not protect people. Sometimes
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  it simply makes them anxious without giving them
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  anything useful to respond to. This is also where
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  busyness becomes a very convenient hiding place.
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  We say, I have to take this on. I have to stay
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  involved. I have to wait until things settle
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  down. I have to get through this launch quarter
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  busy season. But sometimes I have to really means
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  I'm scared to say no. I'm scared to disappoint
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  someone or look difficult or again have the conversation.
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  Casey made the point that many things we describe
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  as outside our control are actually choices we
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  have continued making because of fear, expectation
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  or other people's perceptions. This does not
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  mean every responsibility magically disappears.
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  It means we stop pretending we have no role in
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  the pattern. Ask yourself, what am I continuing
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  to do because it allows me to postpone the real
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  issue? And what is the delay cost to me, the
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  other person, and everyone around us? Action
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  item here is name one cost of waiting, then identify
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  one workaround or delay you can stop using as
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  a cover. And step number four, prepare for the
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  conversation, not every possible reaction. Now
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  comes the part nobody enjoys. You have to have
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  the conversation. But there's a difference between
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  preparing and obsessing. Preparing means getting
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  clear in your message. Obsessing means rehearsing
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  every possible thing the other person could say
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  and trying to build a response for all of it.
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  That's impossible. Humans remain wildly committed
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  to being unpredictable. Do not prepare alone.
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  Call a mentor. Talk to a friend who's handled
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  something similar. Ask a coach. Find the person
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  who will help you get clearer and more direction,
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  not the person who will help you avoid it for
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  another three weeks. Before the conversation,
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  manage your emotional state. Casey uses a two
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  -minute rule. Give yourself a defined amount
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  of time to feel angry, frustrated, hurt, overwhelmed,
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  scared. It may literally be two minutes. It may
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  be a day. The point is not to suppress the emotion.
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  It's to keep the emotion from running the meeting.
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  So get clear on four things. What is the decision
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  or issue? What does the person need to understand?
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  What happens next? And what is not up for debate?
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  Then open directly. You might say, I want to
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  be clear about why I asked to meet. I have decided
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  X. Or I need to address something that is not
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  working. I want to be clear about the change
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  that needs to happen. Or even, this is difficult
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  for me to say, but I do not want that difficulty
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  to make me unclear. Then say the thing. You can
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  provide context without burying the message.
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  You can be compassionate without turning decision
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  back into a group vote. You can listen without
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  abandoning what you came to communicate. And
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  here's the hardest part. They may not like it.
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  They may be disappointed. They may disagree.
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  They may need time. Your job is not to make sure
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  they have no reaction. Your job is to communicate
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  clearly, treat them fairly, and allow them their
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  own time to respond. Emotional intelligence does
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  not mean making sure nobody feels uncomfortable.
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  It means recognizing your emotions, understanding
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  theirs, and still staying grounded enough to
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  communicate the truth. Action, write your opening
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  two sentences, then put the meeting on the calendar
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  before fear turns into another someday. That's
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  the four -step process. Think about the one conversation
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  sitting in the back of your mind right now. Name
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  it. Run the decision through your head, heart
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  and gut. Be honest about what the waiting is
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  costing you. Prepare your opening, not every
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  possible reaction, then set the meeting. Because
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  the conversation is probably not going to become
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  easier while you wait. And the goal is never
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  to walk in without fear. The goal is to stop
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  letting fear make the decision for you. There's
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  a good chance the relief begins before the conversation
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  is even over because you are no longer spending
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  all of your energy carrying what has not been
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  said. And trust me, I have one of these conversations
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  sitting on my list too. So I'm not talking to
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  you from the other side of perfect execution.
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  I am right there with you. This week, find your
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  conversation, write the sentence, set the meeting,
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  and say what needs to be said. If you haven't
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  listened to Casey's full episode, I strongly
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  encourage you to do so. Until next time, stay
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  loud and stay lifted.