Latest / Pursuit of Sassiness / Why Do Men Date Younger Women After Divorce? We Got The Answer!

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Why Do Men Date Younger Women After Divorce? We Got The Answer! · Pursuit of Sassiness

• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of I Do Part Two.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: This is a cool one.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: I'm excited about this one. I'm your celebrity mentor, Brian
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Austin Green. And today, the guys... are taking over, which is,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: this is a big deal. We don't get to do
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: this very often. A lot of women here, so Guy's
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: perspective is really fun. I'm here with Bachelor Nation's Bob Guinea. Bob,
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: what's going.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: On, brother? What's up, Brian? Good to see you, buddy.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: And our resident real-life single guy, Mr. Right. Okay, so
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: we're all divorced.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: We're in different chapters of our lives, and today we're
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: going to answer some questions, and we're going to give
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: our honest takes. You can always call us at 844-443-6763,
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: or you can send us an email.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: All the info is in the show notes. What do
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: you say guys? You say we jump into these? Let's
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: get into it. I'm excited. Cool. Right on. This first
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: one is a, is a voicemail from Brittany.
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: Hi, my name's Brittany and I am on my second marriage.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: I do a lot of work on myself and I,
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: You know, I've been in therapy, I understand the benefits
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: of therapy, and I made it a priority in my life.
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: I'm now in a long-term relationship with a man who
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: is divorced, and he's never been to therapy, and I
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: really think he needs it. I really think everybody needs it.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: So how do I get him to understand that therapy
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: is a good thing and not.
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: A weakness and it's a good tool to have.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: Help me.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: That's a, I definitely have an opinion on that. Either
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: of you two want to go first? I'll take the,
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I'll take this one.
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  Speaker 2: Okay.
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  Speaker 4: A little scared, a little scared, but I'll take it.
• 2:10
  Speaker 4: Don't be, don't be scared. I will say, you know,
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  Speaker 4: I think it, therapy is a very personal choice, right?
• 2:16
  Speaker 4: So like at the end of the day, I think if,
• 2:18
  Speaker 4: you know, it worked for Brittany, that's great. Uh, you know,
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  Speaker 4: and at the end of the day, if the guy
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  Speaker 4: that she's with, um, you know, didn't feel like therapy
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: was for him, you got to respect that part of it.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: But at the end of the day, Brittany saying, I
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: feel like he needs it. Right. So clearly they're going
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: through something. Well, I think she's, I think she's saying
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: that he, he doesn't do it at all. Right.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: That he's never doesn't think he needs it. So he's
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: never even really given it a shot.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah. And I'll say this, man, I I'm, I'm a
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: Midwestern boy.
• 2:46
  Speaker 5: Right.
• 2:47
  Speaker 4: So when I got divorced, I was like, Therapy, shmeropy.
• 2:50
  Speaker 4: We started going to marriage counseling actually first and the
• 2:53
  Speaker 4: marriage counselor ended up becoming my therapist.
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  Speaker 2: And I loved it.
• 2:58
  Speaker 4: And quite honestly, I got so much out of it,
• 3:01
  Speaker 4: more so than I ever anticipated. And I think at
• 3:05
  Speaker 4: the end of the day, it was a huge benefit
• 3:07
  Speaker 4: for me. Look, I mean, at the end of the day,
• 3:09
  Speaker 4: I think we've all been there. Even if you want
• 3:13
  Speaker 4: to get divorced or you don't want to get divorced,
• 3:14
  Speaker 4: it sucks. You got feelings that are tied up in
• 3:17
  Speaker 4: that and talking to somebody who... isn't related to you
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: or doesn't have an ax to grind is kind of
• 3:24
  Speaker 4: a nice thing to have.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm all for it.
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  Speaker 5: But I think the question was about not only going
• 3:30
  Speaker 5: to therapy, but the question was like suggesting it. And
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  Speaker 5: I would just be cautious because suggesting to a guy
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  Speaker 5: therapy is like suggesting to a girl a treadmill.
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  Speaker 2: Like you might have the.
• 3:41
  Speaker 5: Best intentions in mind, but it's the interpretation of that.
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  Speaker 1: Which is exactly why he didn't want his name listed
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  Speaker 1: at the front.
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  Speaker 5: If you guys want to sugarcoat it, that's fine. But
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  Speaker 5: I'm just telling you how things sound to other people.
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  Speaker 5: And again, like suggesting something like therapy can sound like, hey,
• 3:58
  Speaker 5: there is something.
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  Speaker 2: Wrong with you. You need to go get that fixed. Right.
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  Speaker 2: And you're not doing it on your own.
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  Speaker 5: So you need help. And so you have to be
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  Speaker 5: very delicate about because it's a very personal thing. And
• 4:08
  Speaker 5: then the, like the first reaction is to get defensive.
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  Speaker 5: The first reaction thing. Okay. I thought I was what's
• 4:15
  Speaker 5: wrong with me.
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  Speaker 4: Right. Right.
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  Speaker 2: I think if you're going to, you just gotta be
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: careful on how you approach it.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: I think, I think it's a fine there. There's a
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  Speaker 2: fine line.
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  Speaker 1: There's a, there's a detail to like, make sure you
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  Speaker 1: pay attention to of what's worked for you and what
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  Speaker 1: you're just suggesting because it worked for you compared to
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: something that is really needed. Like, you know, are you
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: guys in a place? where you feel like, God, we're
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: really sort of missing each other on a lot of
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  Speaker 1: what we're talking about.
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  Speaker 2: And we need more of a mediator.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: We need somebody that is sort of middle ground to
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: hear both sides and help us come together. Or is
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: it just, you know, I've dated people before that are like,
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: that swear by therapy. So right away, they're like, hey,
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: we should go in and start. And it's like, I'm
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: nowhere near ready for, like, we're fine.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: Like, I'm fine.
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  Speaker 1: I've gotten to a point in my own life where
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  Speaker 1: I can sort of self, you know, deal with these
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  Speaker 1: things on my own.
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  Speaker 2: Like I've learned tools to deal with these.
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  Speaker 1: So therapy isn't necessarily something that I feel that we're missing.
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  Speaker 1: I think, so I think that that is the natural
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  Speaker 1: conversation to have is like, you know, do you feel
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  Speaker 1: like we're missing something? And if you do, then let's
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: talk about what you feel like we're missing. And if
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: we still are two ships that are passing each other
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  Speaker 1: on this, then yeah, let's talk about going in somewhere
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  Speaker 1: and maybe gaining some tools from somebody.
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: That's good, Brian. I think that's really smart.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: I think that's a really slippery slope. You know, I
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: think that can be misconstrued easily. Like, Hey, so what
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  Speaker 1: are you saying?
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: Like I'm up. Yeah. Like something's wrong with me.
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  Speaker 5: I mean, even, I mean, like even as you think
• 5:51
  Speaker 5: of Sopranos, if you watch that, those, that, that, that
• 5:53
  Speaker 5: series Sopranos hit, you know, Tony Soprano, the lead character,
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  Speaker 5: this big macho guy goes into a therapist and everyone
• 6:00
  Speaker 5: sees it as weakness.
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  Speaker 2: And it's a stigma.
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  Speaker 5: And again, I, we, I went to marriage counseling, a therapist,
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  Speaker 5: I've done the whole thing. So I'm not, I'm not
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  Speaker 5: saying that's the case. but there's just a stigma around it.
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  Speaker 5: So I think that it's important to maybe let the,
• 6:15
  Speaker 5: let your partner find themselves there, find them agreeing as
• 6:18
  Speaker 5: opposed to saying, you need to go to therapy.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: We're not right. This is wrong.
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  Speaker 5: If there's a way to go and kind of like
• 6:24
  Speaker 5: have that conversation where it's not directing towards it, but
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  Speaker 5: presenting it as a potential solution, I think is it's,
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  Speaker 5: there's a delicate, I don't know, balance to it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I think, I think the key is like having a
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  Speaker 1: conversation about it beforehand, having conversations, being willing to have.
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  Speaker 2: A real conversation about it, like.
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  Speaker 1: Get down into it and go is the, and talk
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  Speaker 1: about why you feel you, you know, something is missing and,
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  Speaker 1: and how it would help and really getting into the
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: weeds on that. And then if it's, if you guys,
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  Speaker 1: I think both come to the conclusion that therapy is
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  Speaker 1: a great next step, then you do, then you do that,
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: but don't, don't push for it. If it's something, if
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  Speaker 1: there's stuff going on that can be resolved just amongst
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  Speaker 1: the two of you, I think if he shows resistance
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  Speaker 1: to it, you're, that's a, that's a tough thing to
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  Speaker 1: get into.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 5: Or just save like 250 bucks an hour and just
• 7:17
  Speaker 5: have more sex. But that's the other, that's a professional
• 7:21
  Speaker 5: opinion that I heard one time in the back of
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  Speaker 5: a magazine.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: We're going to get into some emails. I got to
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  Speaker 1: say like, I, it's really hard doing this sometimes. Like
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I wish that Brittany was, actually live on the phone
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  Speaker 1: with us so we could have a conversation with her
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  Speaker 1: and we can ask her some questions and pick her
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: brain a little bit before we just give advice because
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: advice is tricky. I don't know all of the details.
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  Speaker 1: I only know her side in the voicemail that she left.
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  Speaker 1: But now it's getting even harder because we're just going
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  Speaker 1: straight into emails, which people tend to write even less
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: than they speak.
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  Speaker 2: This first one is anonymous. Okay. Seriously.
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  Speaker 1: Is anyone dating their own age? If I want to
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  Speaker 1: find a guy, I need to date someone 10 years younger.
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  Speaker 1: I've been divorced for seven years and all the guys
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  Speaker 1: I meet only seem to date majority younger women.
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  Speaker 2: You're looking in the wrong pool. It depends.
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  Speaker 1: Like if you want something serious, stop, you know, stop
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: going to my advice, stop going on dating apps and
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  Speaker 1: meeting guys that only seem to want to date younger
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  Speaker 1: because there are a large number of men that do
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  Speaker 1: not want to date younger that are in that place
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  Speaker 1: in their life where they want something real yeah you
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  Speaker 1: know that they they're looking for something to.
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  Speaker 2: Somebody to really add to.
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  Speaker 1: Their lives so that that's it's a big ocean man
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  Speaker 1: it's a big it seems it's a big pool to
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  Speaker 1: to be dating in and so maybe you're going to
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: the wrong ymca I.
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  Speaker 2: Mean, let's call a spade a spade.
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  Speaker 5: I mean, if you were to just go and generalize,
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  Speaker 5: you would say that divorced guys tend to date younger girls.
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  Speaker 5: And I think that that's just sort of because there
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  Speaker 5: is something that they're looking for that they didn't obviously
• 9:21
  Speaker 5: get from their partner.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: Or their partner didn't get from them.
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  Speaker 5: And so it's a little bit like, you know, if
• 9:27
  Speaker 5: you've made a mistake, why make the same mistake again?
• 9:31
  Speaker 5: So try something different. And again, I'm not saying it's
• 9:33
  Speaker 5: right or wrong, but it certainly is a pattern. And, um,
• 9:37
  Speaker 5: you know, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't just
• 9:40
  Speaker 5: like every other dating category. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
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  Speaker 5: But I think the initial reaction for any guy that's
• 9:46
  Speaker 5: getting out of a long-term relationship, you know, AKA marriage,
• 9:50
  Speaker 5: is to try something different. Something that is foreign to them,
• 9:55
  Speaker 5: something that they may have missed.
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  Speaker 1: Do you feel though like different sometimes is something that
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: is easier and less serious? That is something because my marriage,
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: I was married for a while and like we were
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: really in this together and it got serious. It wasn't
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: just fun and games at this point. So now that
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: I'm out of this, I just want something fun and
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: easy going. I don't like, I don't want to have
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: to do the work necessarily. So I'm looking for someone
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: younger because I just want to play. I just want to,
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: it's been serious for however many years. I just want
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: to have fun.
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  Speaker 2: Like I want.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: Someone that just laughs and doesn't have the responsibilities the
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: same way. Because then again, it's that thing of like,
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: what are you looking for? If you're, if you're looking
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: for a real relationship, if you're looking to really get
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: into something with someone, you've got to find someone that
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: has gone through that stage of being single after a
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: long-term thing.
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: And there's nothing wrong with that.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: Like to me, it's, I think it's really valuable when
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: you get out of something long-term to find yourself again
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: and to find the fun in, in, in yourself that
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: you may have lost, that you may have compartmentalized because
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: you wanted this marriage to work. And you know, the,
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: and that with kids and the responsibilities became something that
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: something different, but now you're out of that. So you
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: want to, so go through that. But once you get
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: to the point where you want something real, then you've
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: got to maybe change your, change the scope and the
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: direction that you're looking.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: I think you nailed that.
• 11:32
  Speaker 4: I honestly, I was thinking about myself, you know, and
• 11:35
  Speaker 4: you can only go from your own personal experiences, but
• 11:36
  Speaker 4: I think you really nailed that, Brian, because initially when
• 11:39
  Speaker 4: I came out of my divorce, I only was like,
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: I'm never getting married again.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to have fun.
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: And so I was gravitating to people who were a
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: little less at that point where they're looking for marriage, right?
• 11:50
  Speaker 4: And then ultimately ended up marrying someone who was younger
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: than me, but was it just at that stage more
• 11:56
  Speaker 4: mature and everything? It's just, it wasn't like I was
• 11:58
  Speaker 4: looking for it. And so I think you're absolutely right.
• 12:01
  Speaker 4: I think it seems that people are dating younger because
• 12:04
  Speaker 4: maybe they are just trying to have fun, less committed,
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: just enjoying their time. But then if they find the
• 12:11
  Speaker 4: right person, it doesn't matter what age they are.
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: Right. I mean, as long as I straight legal, of course.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: So there is, so there is.
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  Speaker 5: This, this sort of like connotation between, you know, guys,
• 12:21
  Speaker 5: you know, like my age, um, you know, divorced and
• 12:25
  Speaker 5: dating somebody in my same category, there is this, um,
• 12:29
  Speaker 5: this idea that there, that another person may want to
• 12:31
  Speaker 5: get married right away. And so if you're dating somebody
• 12:34
  Speaker 5: that is also of your same age and same situation,
• 12:38
  Speaker 5: whether this is true or not, there is, I think
• 12:40
  Speaker 5: there's a, there's sort of a connotation that yes, they're
• 12:41
  Speaker 5: going to want to get married right away, or they're
• 12:43
  Speaker 5: going to want to have a serious relationship right away
• 12:44
  Speaker 5: or whatever. Whereas dating younger, just to Brian's point earlier,
• 12:48
  Speaker 5: where it's like, okay, this is more, this is looser.
• 12:50
  Speaker 5: This is more fun. This is not as serious. And
• 12:53
  Speaker 5: you're able to go and do that. And if you
• 12:55
  Speaker 5: bounce around from you know, one younger person to another
• 12:59
  Speaker 5: younger person, they don't have some of the same responsibilities.
• 13:01
  Speaker 5: They don't have the same tie downs. And they mean,
• 13:03
  Speaker 5: you know, kids and life and all these things that
• 13:06
  Speaker 5: you might feel more responsible and guilty for dating short term.
• 13:12
  Speaker 5: I think it's easier with somebody younger.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: And that can go for men or women.
• 13:17
  Speaker 5: I think there's something easier and less, I think, I
• 13:21
  Speaker 5: don't know, less heavy about dating somebody that's younger than you.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: I think it can be deceiving though.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: Like you can end up in a situation with someone
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: that's younger, but they're only, they're, they're only young for
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: so long. And then they start getting to the age
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: where they, you know, they want to have kids and
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: they want to settle down a little bit and then
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: maybe they get pregnant.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden it's like, Oh man, okay.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: Now I'm with a woman that is completely different from
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: the girl that I started dating before. And like, it
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: is a, it's a natural progression for everyone. And then
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: And then I think, like, do you jump ship again?
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: And you go, no, I want something easy again. Like
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: this is, you know, like it's, this has become too
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: responsible and I don't want to deal with this again.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: So let me go into something that's easy. Like how,
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: how long do you do that in life before you go, okay,
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: you know what? It's, it's time to put my big
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: boy pants on. you know, and sit down and realize
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: that like, I, my time of fun and play is done.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: Like now it's time to pass the torch. Yeah.
• 14:23
  Speaker 5: Dating and relationships are two different things. I think we
• 14:26
  Speaker 5: just have to like make sure we separate those things
• 14:28
  Speaker 5: because if you go on a date with somebody, it
• 14:30
  Speaker 5: doesn't mean you want a relationship with them yet.
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: Sure.
• 14:32
  Speaker 5: And maybe it happens later on, but I think, you know, commonly,
• 14:35
  Speaker 5: if you were just, you know, just generally you see,
• 14:37
  Speaker 5: you know, that men and women go and we'll date
• 14:39
  Speaker 5: differently than what they were married to. They will seek
• 14:42
  Speaker 5: something different because what they had wasn't working. Now, ultimately,
• 14:46
  Speaker 5: they might find themselves migrating back to what's comfortable and
• 14:49
  Speaker 5: what's known. And maybe they have a better set of
• 14:51
  Speaker 5: tools to deal with that situation going forward just because
• 14:55
  Speaker 5: they're mature and they have the experience. But I think
• 14:58
  Speaker 5: that for the first period, whether that's a year or
• 15:01
  Speaker 5: 18 months or two years or five years, kind of
• 15:04
  Speaker 5: all bets are off. And I think that that is
• 15:06
  Speaker 5: more of an exploratory time.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: For sure. Mr.
• 15:09
  Speaker 4: Wright, has that been your experience? Are you speaking from...
• 15:12
  Speaker 4: from your personal experience so far, or how's that going?
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: I mean, it's, it's funny.
• 15:15
  Speaker 5: Like perspective right now is like, you know, I, I was,
• 15:19
  Speaker 5: I was married for a long time, three beautiful kids. Like,
• 15:22
  Speaker 5: you know, life was, you know, was, was amazing. That
• 15:24
  Speaker 5: version of my life was, you know, the best and
• 15:27
  Speaker 5: then it wasn't. And then, so the idea of, of
• 15:30
  Speaker 5: going right back into the version of my life that
• 15:32
  Speaker 5: wasn't great is tough. Going back to the part of
• 15:36
  Speaker 5: my life that was great and all those memories that
• 15:39
  Speaker 5: we had together and all those things, that was a
• 15:41
  Speaker 5: while ago. So there is this sort of, I don't know,
• 15:45
  Speaker 5: there's this part of me that says, I want to
• 15:47
  Speaker 5: seek out that time in my life when it was
• 15:50
  Speaker 5: fun and it was exciting and it was new and
• 15:53
  Speaker 5: we were taking on the world. And so maybe over
• 15:57
  Speaker 5: time it comes back to where I come back to
• 16:02
  Speaker 5: where I am now, I suppose.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 16:04
  Speaker 5: But, but, but, you know, it's, it's something that you
• 16:07
  Speaker 5: kind of seek out. You seek out something exciting, new, different, and,
• 16:11
  Speaker 5: and hopefully it, it, you know, it satisfies something that
• 16:13
  Speaker 5: hasn't been satisfied in a long time.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: I got really lucky.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: Like I, I ended up with someone who is a
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: great mixture of both. She's she is unbelievable with the kids.
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: Like she is just has the schedules and the stuff down.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: And like, it's really, it's a focus for her, but
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: at the same time, We have this rule of going
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: on adventures and doing these things and taking these times
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: for ourselves and really having fun and enjoying those times.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: And I think, you know, you can find both. I
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: think it's really, um, you being in a mind state,
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: like in a place where you have healed enough to go, okay,
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: I'm all right with both things. It's, um, I got
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: to a point where I was like, okay, I don't
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: want to just play anymore. Like I'm, you know, I,
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: at my age, second half of my life, like I don't,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: I'm all about building my legacy and being the person
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: that I want to be. And I don't want to
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: be the guy that's too young in the club and
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: going out.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: Like, I don't want to be that dude.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: Um, but it's just a choice for me, but it
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: is date dating. When you're out of something is, can
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: be a sticky situation.
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it is.
• 17:32
  Speaker 5: And there's this like image that my buddies have talked
• 17:35
  Speaker 5: about when there's a guy that's, you're like a wounded animal,
• 17:39
  Speaker 5: you know, and you're not quite yourself. You know, you're like,
• 17:43
  Speaker 5: you know, you're just, you're out of sorts and you're
• 17:45
  Speaker 5: coming out of something and you still, you know, you
• 17:47
  Speaker 5: still feel like you're a big, strong animal.
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: Person, but like you're wounded. You're not, yeah, you're not,
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: you're not nearly as strong as you think.
• 17:54
  Speaker 5: No. And, uh, and a lot of it's bravado, a
• 17:57
  Speaker 5: lot of it's, you know, and that's why, that's why
• 17:59
  Speaker 5: I bought a yellow Corvette convertible just to make up
• 18:01
  Speaker 5: for it.
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: Fair. Okay. Perfect. There you go.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: This next email, this is a tricky one. is from, well,
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: I mean, tricky adjacent. This next email is from Steven.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: He says, I was married for 12 years. During my marriage,
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: all we did was hang out with other married couples.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: When I decided to officially file for divorce earlier this year,
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: it was hard because I also lost a lot of
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: those couple friends. I started dating four months ago and
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: I ended up matching on a dating app with a
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: woman who was one of those couple friends. It turns
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: out her husband split around the same time as we did.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: I always thought she was attractive but didn't cross the
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: line when we were friends. We've gone on a few
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: dates now and I'm interested in getting to know her more.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: Do I have to tell my ex-wife I'm seeing someone
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: she was friends with? Do I have to tell this
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: woman's ex-husband because I used to hang around him at times?
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: Is this even a good idea to pursue?
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: Look, I mean, there is no way that anyone is
• 19:11
  Speaker 4: going to believe what Stephen is saying here.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: I'm just saying it out loud. Stephen, come on, bro.
• 19:17
  Speaker 4: I mean, you just happened to swipe right on this
• 19:19
  Speaker 4: particular profile. You didn't even see the picture and it
• 19:21
  Speaker 4: was just shocking.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: Here we are. Oh my gosh. Come on, bro. Like
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: at the end of the day, and she happened to
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: get divorced too.
• 19:28
  Speaker 4: What?
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: What the hell?
• 19:30
  Speaker 4: How?
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: I mean, in all the, come on.
• 19:33
  Speaker 4: I mean, it's pretty obvious to me that there is
• 19:37
  Speaker 4: going to be a lot of noise around this in
• 19:39
  Speaker 4: their little community. little league practice and everything else. My
• 19:44
  Speaker 4: advice would be swipe the other way and move on.
• 19:48
  Speaker 4: Because at the end of the day, this is going
• 19:49
  Speaker 4: to cause grief if they've got kids if they've got
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: you know i mean we we all have children and
• 19:55
  Speaker 4: we all know you don't where you eat and at
• 19:58
  Speaker 4: the end of the day if you're going to choose
• 20:01
  Speaker 4: to do that there's gonna be we've all taught our
• 20:04
  Speaker 4: children this too i'm sure because i i know you
• 20:06
  Speaker 4: guys i i know of you both as really good
• 20:08
  Speaker 4: fathers but At the end of the day, there are
• 20:11
  Speaker 4: consequences for actions taken. And there is no way to
• 20:15
  Speaker 4: avoid the stigma that will come with this little disaster,
• 20:19
  Speaker 4: in my opinion. Now, if this is the only person
• 20:22
  Speaker 4: for you and this is it, then you know what?
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: Then take your lumps and go for it. But there's
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: going to be a lot of fallout. That's just my thoughts.
• 20:30
  Speaker 5: I mean, dating and relationships are hard enough without bringing
• 20:32
  Speaker 5: in this whole dark cloud that's hovering above you to
• 20:36
  Speaker 5: start day one. Now, sometimes... Sometimes like that can bring
• 20:41
  Speaker 5: a couple together closely. It's like, it's us against the world.
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: No, they don't understand. Yeah.
• 20:47
  Speaker 5: But then if there's a little fissure, a little crack
• 20:49
  Speaker 5: that gets in that relationship, it just explodes. And I,
• 20:53
  Speaker 5: and I've seen it firsthand. I've seen the first part
• 20:56
  Speaker 5: where it's like, Oh no, no, it's, you know, they
• 20:57
  Speaker 5: don't understand us. You know, we're soulmates and whatever else.
• 21:01
  Speaker 5: And then when doubt and creep and real world sneaks in,
• 21:04
  Speaker 5: then all of a sudden you're like, wow, this has
• 21:06
  Speaker 5: got a lot more complicated than it needed to.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: I think it's important to really be honest about it.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: Like if Bob, if this, if this whole email is
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: bullshit and it like, this was something that from the
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: very beginning, that was kind of like both of their
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: little secrets and whatever. And then they saw, then yeah, there's,
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: there's something weird to that and you're going to face
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: real adversity with it. If it is a genuine like
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: real thing where, you know, nothing ever was done. Nothing
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: was ever spoken about it. And he was single for
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: a while and then happened to be on a dating
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: app and she is single also. And there's something real
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: and genuine and they share, um, they share this history
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: from them all hanging out together. And now, you know,
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: you got to think like all of these, all of
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: these couples, what he's saying, all of these couples that
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: they were friends with, he's no longer friends with because they.
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: All went with his now ex-wife.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah. So, you know, at, at what point, at what
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: point do you go, um, like, I'm not close to
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: these people anyway. And like, I need to care about
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: myself and we have a genuine connection and this is
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: something we really want to explore. And I'm not so
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: concerned with what these other couples think because I, we're
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: not friends anymore anyway. And I, you know, I don't
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: know how the situation is with his ex-wife. I, I
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: don't know. Are they dealing with kids? Are they trying
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: to co-parent? There are a lot of things within this
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: that are missing, but he doesn't mention any of those.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: He doesn't mention that we're co-parenting or we have kids
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: or any of that. So when he asks at the end,
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: is this even a good idea to pursue? I think
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: that's only a question that he can answer. I think
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: we can give our advice. There are a million different
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: ways to look at this situation, but I think he's
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: the only one that can really step back and look
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: at the whole thing and go, you know what, how, uh,
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: how much does this mean to me to possibly have
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: to deal with pushback from other people?
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: Do I care?
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: You know, was it, was it, is it genuine and
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: wholesome to begin with? Or was there a bit of
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: foul play early on that somebody can point to?
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: There are a lot of layers.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: And I think, you know, I think sometimes people ask
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: for advice because they want someone to make a decision
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: for them. And I think in a situation like this,
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: nobody can, I can give you advice from all the
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: different sides. The three of us can sit together and
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: we can dissect it and we can go, Ooh, from
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: this side, it sucks from this side.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: It's okay.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: But you're, you know, And Stephen, you're the one that
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: is going to have to ask those hard questions of
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: yourself and see what it is you're really in.
• 24:02
  Speaker 4: Yeah, this is like that pro-con graph, right? You do
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: the pro and the con and the risk and the reward.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah.
• 24:08
  Speaker 4: I mean, like you said, though, Brian, we're peeling an
• 24:10
  Speaker 4: onion here. At the end of the day, if there
• 24:13
  Speaker 4: are no kids involved and there really was no fishy
• 24:16
  Speaker 4: business and all that kind of stuff, well, then.
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: That's a totally different story, I guess.
• 24:21
  Speaker 4: But yeah, he's the only one that can make that
• 24:23
  Speaker 4: determination and figure out if it's going to be worth
• 24:26
  Speaker 4: the grief he's going to get.
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: I feel the same way about this next email question.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: This is from Stacy. And she says, what are the
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: rules when dating, when you're separated versus divorced?
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: That is like, what? Yeah.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: Well, you're the only one that knows the rules. I
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: can't tell you the rules. If you guys are separated
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: because it's like, Hey, we're done. We're just calling it
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: a separation right now. So it's easier for the people
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: around us, but we're done with this and we're moving on.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: Then can move on.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: If you're, if you're separating because you want to take
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: time away and then get back to get, then that
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: is a very different situation. I, you don't date to me.
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: You don't date during those situations. You take time apart.
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: You take time apart to find yourself, to find your
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: own happiness, to find your own stuff. But then the
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: ultimate goal is to then sit back down together and go,
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: you know, do we do this again or do we not?
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: I think as soon as you start involving other stuff,
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: it can become a really sticky situation. And then something
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: that maybe you're not really willing to get out of,
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: you have completely destroyed because you were dating someone.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: During the time when you were separated? What do you
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: guys think about that? Let's take it from the other side. So, okay.
• 25:49
  Speaker 5: So let's take it from somebody that's, you know, that
• 25:51
  Speaker 5: is single and you meet somebody that is separated, not
• 25:56
  Speaker 5: divorced or going through a divorce. And, you know, that is,
• 26:01
  Speaker 5: that is also a very sticky situation to get into,
• 26:04
  Speaker 5: you know, cause you don't know what they're, what those
• 26:06
  Speaker 5: people are going through. And if, oh, we're just, we're separated,
• 26:09
  Speaker 5: but I'm out on a date. It's like, you are
• 26:11
  Speaker 5: getting yourself like, I get at the dangerous place to
• 26:15
  Speaker 5: be is to be dating somebody that's not totally, totally
• 26:18
  Speaker 5: divorced because there is a level of, of testing going on.
• 26:22
  Speaker 5: There's a level of explore exploration going on. And so,
• 26:26
  Speaker 5: I mean, it might be super fun, but it also
• 26:28
  Speaker 5: could be incredibly messy.
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: Isn't, but I mean, isn't that inherently what the, what
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: separated means compared to divorce? Isn't it like we, you know,
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: divorce is a much more final word than separated. Separated
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: is like hey, we happen to be in two different
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: cities right now for our jobs and our things, and
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: so we're taking some time apart. Divorce is very, very
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: much final, I think. It's sort of the next step.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: Is separation that next step, or is it just a
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: step that you're, you can go on dates, that's fine.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: You shouldn't be actually dating, dating, spending time and really
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: connecting with someone.
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: I don't think I.
• 27:12
  Speaker 5: Dated a girl and, um, you know, and I was,
• 27:16
  Speaker 5: we were, um, going through our divorce. Uh, you know, and, and,
• 27:21
  Speaker 5: and where I live, there's, it's a certain amount of
• 27:23
  Speaker 5: time that has to pass before it's official, official, official,
• 27:25
  Speaker 5: but we were, you know, by all intents and, and,
• 27:27
  Speaker 5: you know, we were, we were divorced, but it wasn't official.
• 27:31
  Speaker 5: And that was a, that was kind of a no-go.
• 27:33
  Speaker 5: She's like, no, I don't, I don't want to go
• 27:34
  Speaker 5: and get involved in this. I don't, you know, once
• 27:37
  Speaker 5: you're divorced all the way, we can, you know, let's, let's,
• 27:39
  Speaker 5: let's pick this back up. But, um, going and for
• 27:43
  Speaker 5: somebody else to get involved in somebody else's relationship, especially
• 27:46
  Speaker 5: as kids, it's been a long time. Does the other
• 27:49
  Speaker 5: person actually think you're divorced? Do the kids think you're divorced?
• 27:52
  Speaker 5: Or are you the only one that thinks that you're divorced?
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: Right. Yeah. Are you just sort of acting on your
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: own rules?
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: Or have you guys made rules together of like, this
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: is what our separation looks like. This is what a
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: healthy separation would look like for me. I can't deal
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: with more than this, but this is fine.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: Let's do this.
• 28:12
  Speaker 4: You guys, I got a buddy who literally is going
• 28:14
  Speaker 4: through something like this right now.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: And we just talked about this two days ago. So
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: this is kind of unbelievable.
• 28:19
  Speaker 4: This question came up and my thing with him and
• 28:21
  Speaker 4: it was actually his thing as well was I said,
• 28:24
  Speaker 4: and he's the one who wants this.
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: He's the one who wants the separation. Cause I think
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: that's also kind of important.
• 28:30
  Speaker 4: Like if you're, if you're agreeing on that mutually, then
• 28:33
  Speaker 4: you can kind of establish these ground rules.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 28:35
  Speaker 4: But he's the one who's like, listen here, we have
• 28:36
  Speaker 4: to pump the brakes on this.
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: There's a lot going on.
• 28:39
  Speaker 4: And I just said to him, I was like, I
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: was like, I think I said, what have you guys
• 28:42
  Speaker 4: decided about, you know, with what you're going to do dating,
• 28:46
  Speaker 4: you know, that kind of stuff. He's like, well, we can,
• 28:49
  Speaker 4: he's like, he's like, I don't even want to dabble
• 28:51
  Speaker 4: in that. He's like, because if we sleep with somebody,
• 28:53
  Speaker 4: in my opinion, it's over. Right. And he's like, so
• 28:56
  Speaker 4: why put myself in a situation where of course I'm
• 28:59
  Speaker 4: going to be attracted to someone who has, none of
• 29:01
  Speaker 4: the issues that I can tell from the first date
• 29:04
  Speaker 4: that my current partner has.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: He's like, but he's like, we've got three children.
• 29:09
  Speaker 4: He's like, I just want some time to work on
• 29:11
  Speaker 4: me and I'm hopeful she'll work on her. And so
• 29:14
  Speaker 4: he's like, and my, my goal is to get us
• 29:16
  Speaker 4: back together and we both have no baggage to talk
• 29:19
  Speaker 4: about and we can move forward.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: And I, and I thought that was, I gotta be honest.
• 29:23
  Speaker 4: I was impressed by his maturity on that because I
• 29:26
  Speaker 4: honestly didn't think that was what I was going to
• 29:29
  Speaker 4: hear from him.
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: And it was like, damn, Okay, good for you.
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: I think the key phrase in that is that we're
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: going to work on ourselves. So it's like that that means,
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: that doesn't mean you're going to work on yourself with
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: someone else and see if there's more to offer there
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: or it's better for you. It's that thing of like,
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: I'm going to work on myself and I'm going to
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: be honest with myself and like, I can hang out
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: with other people and do stuff, but it's just more
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: for the purpose of finding myself Again, it's not for
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: the purpose of seeing what.
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: Else is out there.
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: Perfect.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: Guys, guys, guys, I'm going to stop you right now.
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: We have a ton more emails and questions to get through.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: So I say we, we come back again and we
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: finish this off. You guys have been fantastic. Everybody stay tuned.