Latest / I Choose Me with Jennie Garth / I Choose...Co-Parenting with Peter Facinelli Pt. 1

Transcript

I Choose...Co-Parenting with Peter Facinelli Pt. 1 · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the I Choose Me Podcast. This podcast is
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: all about the choices we make and where they lead us.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Sometimes life brings you scenarios that we never anticipate, like
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: co parenting after a divorce. When you become a parent,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: you don't think how will I approach parenting if my
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: relationship falls apart. You only start to think about co
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: parenting when you are forced to because it's now your
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: new reality. Co Parenting can be really frustrating, and it
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: can leave you feeling lonely and defeated. But on the
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: other hand, it can be collaborative and rewarding if everyone
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: is working together. Today I am joined by someone whom
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I was married to. He's the father of my three
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: girls and someone I will be co parenting with for
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: the rest of my life. We have never sat down
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: together and talked about our divorce or our journey to
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: co parenting. So maybe I'm a little nervous and I'm
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: kind of excited about this conversation. Welcome Peter Facchinelli to
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: the I Choose Me Podcast. This is wild you here?
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah. In the I Choose Therapy, A therapy session if
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: it does.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: Now that you bring it on this couch, starting to
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: get a little sweaty under my pitt. Yeah, this is
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: wild because we haven't really sat down and had a conversation.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: It's certainly not a public conversation about anything, you know,
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: regarding our marriage or divorce or co parenting. So this
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: is Yeah, this is a very big step for us.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: I think it'll be good. Let's just say this. Uh,
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: start always saying I feel really blessed that we have
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: such wonderful kids, and then we're you know, through the
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: other side of it. I mean, our youngest is seventeen,
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: which she'll be eighteen in a few months, and you know,
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: parenting's hard. It's really hard.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you were just twenty one years old when you
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: had a baby.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was a baby having a baby, that is I.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: Mean we didn't really understand back then how young that
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: was to become a parent. But now looking back and
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: seeing our own twenty one year old, can you imagine
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: her having a daughter?
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: Like, no, how did that? I pray every day, I'm like, please,
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: don't I don't have a baby, y, I know, because
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: you know, you need had a little bit of wisdom
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: and a little bit of knowledge at that age. At
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: twenty one, you were a year older, so you weren't
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: that much older twenty two, but you had you've been
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: working since you were fifteen in the business. So you know,
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: I literally just landed in La I moved here, and
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: six months later I was having a baby. So you know,
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: that was that was that wasn't planned obviously. Uh. But uh,
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: you know, we we we lasted a long time and
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: we did for for Hollywood years and uh and we
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: we yeah, here we are.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: We had a good run.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: We had a we had a very good run. And
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: uh and even when we were apart, you know, we
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: had to we had to work together a lot of
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: times at a lot of times. It wasn't easy. Uh,
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: you know, for either one of us. I think I
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: think that really stems, you know, looking back on it,
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: is I felt like we were two parents that cared
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: a lot, and so whatever friction came up was because
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: we really did care about the about our children. You know,
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: there's some parents that they're just like, I don't care.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: You know, you deal with it, or I don't care.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: I'll deal with it, and they're busy. But we both
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: really you know, cared passionately about our kids and really
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: wanted the best for them, and sometimes, you know, our
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: ideologies would would not mesh. But somehow we worked it
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: out and we have really good kids. Yeah. Whatever we did,
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: whether it was right or wrong, like, they grew up
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: to be wonderful kids. Yeah, and I feel very fortunate.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: I know.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: Let's just go back to the beginning, though, because when
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: when we first decided to break up, you know, separate
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: the divorce everything, we settled on shared custody. I think
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: that you know, a lot of the listeners out there
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: are either they're going through a divorce with kids and
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: entering into the next step of co parenting with their ex,
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: or you know, people just want to know how to
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: handle this situation because you don't ever really think when
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: you get together, when you first start a relationship with somebody,
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: who don't think about what are we going to do
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: if this doesn't work out? Like how am I going
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: to co parent with the person? So we settled on
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: shared custody fifty to fifty. I know, for me, there
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: were times when I really emotionally regretted that decision or
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: not fighting harder for more, But at the same time,
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: I knew that having them be fifty percent of their
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: time with you their father was absolutely the best thing
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: for them. And whatever I was dealing with, you know,
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: that part of me that wanted to have them more
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: was just me being selfish and thinking about myself because
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: it hurt so bad when they would leave. How was
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: it for you when that fifty to fifty deal came up?
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: I mean it was I mean it was always hard.
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: I think listen. Co parenting is hard, Divorce is hard.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: I didn't have a model for it. My parents were.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: We were flying.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I mean married to twenty one, we were
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: together what ten years?
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: Eleven years I think married.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: I mean we were together for five then we got
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: married after five. Luca was you know, was our flower girl,
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: So that's ten five and then I think she was
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: like twelve.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: We were married in two thousand and one, divorced in
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: twenty twelve, so that's.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: Like eleven years plus plus five fifteen sixteen years. That's
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: that's a long run. And we had three kids, and
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: you know, it broke my heart to break up a family,
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: you know, And it was one of those decisions that
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: was like you never know if you're making the right decision.
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: But you know, we made the decision, and then it
• 6:52
  Speaker 2: was all about trying to find a balance and picking
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: up the kids and knowing that they were going to
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: miss you for the week and then dropping off knowing
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: they were going to miss me for a week. Is
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: it's it's hard. I think they were young. They were
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: well there were Luca was twelve or thirteen, and Lola
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: was like eight or nine. Six No, I think she
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: was like eighty eight or because she was sick when
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: she was six, remember.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: And Fiona must have been like she was like four.
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so you know, not easy at all. Yeah, certainly
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: I wish I had, you know, I wish I could
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: look back and say, here's the way to do it,
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: But I still don't know like the best way. If
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: if it was like, should we have done two weeks apart,
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: but then that feels even longer. I know, sometimes we
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: try that, you know, in the summers, we'd be like, well,
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: maybe two weeks with you, two weeks with me, and
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: that would be you know, too long, and so I
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: don't know, Look, it's a tough thing. I also felt like,
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: you know, for the kids, they'd always like pack a
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: bag and come to my house and then pack a
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: bag and then go to your house. And I always
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: felt like they were like, uh, I feel like they
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: were visiting me and maybe choosing a home, like your
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: house is like the home house, and you know, there's
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: a lot of feelings of like, well is my house
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: the house they come visit? Is your house to come
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: the house they visit? You know, like where is their home? Uh?
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: Some some parents will get what they call nesting and
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: they'll get one house and the parents, you know, move
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: back and forth. And we talked about that, I think
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: for a split second. But you know then you're it's
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: it's hard. You're you know, you break up with somebody,
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: you're not a relationship with them, and you still have
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: to see them all the time. You still have to
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: you know, work with them. You're you're you know, you're
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: you're making decisions together and and and that's not always easy,
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: especially when you know sometimes the decisions aren't something you
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: know that that you both agree on, you know, And
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: I think that was that was hard on both of
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: us because then where's the compromise, you know, like how
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: do you compromise? And in some way we found our
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: way through it, and it wasn't always fun. It wasn't
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: always pleasant, but like I said that, our kids are
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: you know, on the other side of it, our kids
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: turned out really wonderful, and I feel like they needed
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: both of us. You know, they really did a benefit
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: from having both of us. And I always felt that
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: like if you're if the parents are okay, then the
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: kids will be okay. You know. So like like when
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: if we were had tension, I feel like the kids
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: felt it. So I was always trying to keep that
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: away from them. You know. It wasn't always successful, but
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: like when we're in agreement, that always felt like, you know,
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: even if they weren't in agreement with our decision, there
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: was a there was a power dynamic that mom and
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: dad are coming together on this issue. That that was
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: that felt you know, unified and felt good. You know.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: Do you recall any times when the girls pitted us
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: against one another?
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: I mean I recall, like with our youngest when there
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: were times when we were both unified and something. We
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: both sat down with her and she was like she
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: hated that. She was like, this isn't how it works,
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: because she liked being able to kind of pit us
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: against each other where you know in some ways she'll
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: still do it now in some ways where she'll you know,
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: come to my house and it'll be great, and then
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: I'll hear from like our middle daughter Lola, that she'll
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: say something like, oh, well, she said she was kind
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: of sad and depressed, and I'm like, why would she
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: say that? We had a great week together? And then
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: you'll hear she was kind of sad and depressed, but
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: it's really because she wanted to go to a party,
• 10:42
  Speaker 2: and she's kind of playing you, you know, to go
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: to this party.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: I think a lot more than yeah.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah. So you know, it's hard because it's like they do,
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: they do play play us against each other. And I
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: think that where we could have done better or I
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: could have done better, probably is communicating more, you know,
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: because we spend a lot of time texting back and forth,
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: and the textings.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: So many texts.
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: Was like, you know, there's a key and Peel skit.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: I don't know if you ever saw it, but like
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: you know, in the skit, they'll be like, hey, I'm
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: coming over and the other person will be like whatever,
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: and I'll be like whatever.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: Oh yes, yes, And so you can really read it,
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: really can.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: Read into he didn't put a period there? Or why
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: is it? And caps when my phone just like, really.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: I know how you talk so well, like I understand
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: our kidence together and even our sense of humor. So
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: I hear you when I read the text most of
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: the times.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: But I think that's dangerous too though, sometimes because sometimes
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: I might be meaning it a completely different way, and
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: you too, like and I think, listen, we haven't really
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: spoken a lot about life about stuff in years, so
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: I honestly don't know me. I don't know, and I
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: don't think you know me. And yet it's like when
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: you go home and you're with like your mom or
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: your dad or you know, your your sisters, and they
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: just treat you like you're sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, like you
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: know the time they saw you last, when you were younger,
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: And so there's this feeling of like, oh, I know
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: her because we were together for so long, but you've
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: grown into this mature, wonderful adult woman and I've grown
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: and so you know, but when we look at each other,
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: we still look at each other like the twenty one,
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: twenty two year old version of each other. So like
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: that becomes dangerous, you know, because we're always kind of
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: reading into things or looking at things, and I think
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: that if we were, you know, And it's hard because
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: there's a lot of well, if I get into if
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: I jump on the phone, I don't want to get
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: into an argument. I don't want to it the room
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: my day. I don't want to. So you end up
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: texting back and forth thinking that you're, you know, trying
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: not to get but then you end up arguing back
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: and forth on a text. There's a lot of wasted
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: time and energy.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: We wasted so much time trying to prove our points
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: to one another, and I think one must regret that.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: When we when we got together and we ever talked
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: it through, it was like, oh, she's not really attacking me.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: I want to ask you just because this is a
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: huge deal when you break up with your family and
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: then you have the kids every other week, and our
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: kids were little, so they it was full time. I
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: remember we lived up north at that time. I had
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: moved up there because you were traveling a lot for work,
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: and you had to actually rent a house up there
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: for your off weeks. Do you remember that.
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: I don't even remember that.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: You don't remember renting that house up that beautiful house
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: with the view, and you literally never stayed in it.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: Probably why I don't remember it, because the girls didn't
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: want to go to it.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: I don't remember it.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, I remember.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: I think I remember what I remember. We had an
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: r V and so I spent I would. I would
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: stay in the r V when I went up there.
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: I don't remember a house.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: I remember the RV. That's where we broke up. Yeah,
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: that's the RV's where you told me it was over.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: I think in the r V.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: In the RV, that's why we sold that RV. Well, yeah,
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: for me, glad you don't remember. But how did you, like,
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: because you were in pain and healing in your own
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: way from a breakup, how did you do that when
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: you with the kids, when you had the kids or
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: when you didn't.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: I mean I when I had the kids, I just
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: made it about them, right, you know? And I think
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: that's was me trying to shield it from them, like
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: I'm okay, you know what I mean? Because look, I
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: think that there's no manual for for for parenting, you
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: know what I mean? And that's it's really hard you
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: get you have a kid. I'm twenty one years old
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: and you're like, well, what do I do? You know,
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: so you just look at what like your parents did.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: And like my my mom, I never knew if she
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: was happy or sad or you know, she didn't really
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: show her emotions. She kind of just made it about me,
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean, like how was my day?
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: And so she was always like a rock. And so
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: I kind of tried to model that for the kids.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: And you're more of like, hey, it's okay for the
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: kids to see emotions, yeah, show you know, And I
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: think that's part of your upbringing. So like that's I.
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: Think one of the biggest differences in our parenting styles.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: And I knew that early on. I remember going to
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: your house in Queens and Noni Bruna your mom. I
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: remember it was so much energy, the Italian dinners in
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: the family, and I was not used to that. I
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: come from a really quiet family, and I remember just
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: being over. I was pregnant also so feeling those like
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: we weren't married and it was in this Catholic home,
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: like the illegitimate baby mama, like it felt very weird.
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: So I remember there was one point when I just
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: couldn't hold it anymore. My emotions came out, and I
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: remember NONI come back to the girls room where we
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: would stay, and she was like, it's okay, don't cry.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: Don't cry, like she said, don't cry, don't cry, And
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: for me, I was like, what do you mean don't cry?
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: Like I have to cry to get this out. So
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: you're like that difference in our upbringing was so apparent,
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: and it really did cross over into our parenting styles
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: because you are much more what's the word, when you're
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: not as emotional, not that you're not emotional, but like
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: you're much more.
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: I try to stay stronger so that my whatever I'm
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: going through doesn't affect them. And so when they came
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: over to the house, it was more about how they're feeling,
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So it wasn't like I
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: was suppressing their feelings. It was more of me not
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: you know, showing them how happy, you know, sad about
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: them not being there.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: I really tried to do that. You know, you you.
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: Always yeah, but it's your you know how you were raised,
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I think that, like I said,
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: they kind of benefited from both. You know. They looked
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: at it and it was like it's okay to express
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: emotions and it's okay to be wrong, you know. I
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: mean we had also I felt like sometimes we differed
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: in and like parenting in the sense that, you know,
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: when I saw the kids uncomfortable about something, I looked
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: at it as an opportunity for them to grow through it, right,
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: And you still do. We still deal with this because
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: you hate when they're uncomfortable. You just want to make
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: them feel good all the time and hug them and
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: love them. And that's a beautiful trait. And and so
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: we would clash on that because I'm like, you know,
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: when we were together, I remember it was a little
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: easier because, like, you know, we're trying to it's just
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: easy when you're together and you're just supporting each other.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: And there were times when our youngest, our oldest, Luca,
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: you know, it's five, and you say she's not making
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: any friends. You got to go help her make friends.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: I go over. I'd be like, hey, this is Luca Belli.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: You know you need to you should be friends with her.
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: And so and then as she got older, it was
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: like she didn't develop the skill set to like make
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: friends because I was the one making friends for us.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: So like you know, when I was younger, it was
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: more of an approach of with my parents of like
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: letting me fall and then you know, letting me get
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: up and if they needed me, you know, if they
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: if I really needed them, they were there. But they
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: let me, you know, grow through things, you know what
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: I mean. And you had a mom and dad who
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: just there all the time celebrating you, and like, I
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: always loved it. I think we had two extremes, you know,
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: our upbringings. Our brains were like I could have used
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: a little bit of more of the parent to love nursing.
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: And like, you know, I had my first job. I
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: was twelve years old. I was a paper boy. I
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: was like delivering papers to the neighborhood and I worked
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: seven days a week, you know what I mean. So
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: like having a job is what I knew at an
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: early age. I wanted to instill let my kids and like,
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: you know, if they were uncomfortable out things, and you
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: would call me and be like, well, so and so
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: is bothering them at school, and I'd be like, let's
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: give them tools to like, you know, get through it.
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: And you're you know, it's not something wrong, it's just
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: your ideology is more like, let's let's fix it for them,
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: Let's help them, you know, in the sense of making
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: this space comfortable for them so they can grow, you know.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: So I think we still deal with that sometimes, you know.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: But again I think that there's two having the two
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: parenting styles somehow works because we have such incredible children.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: What does co parenting mean to you, like in general?
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: Like, I mean, it's tough.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: What does it take?
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it takes. It takes patience, It takes it takes
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: a lot of and again we could have been better
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: at it, and I still try to be better at it.
• 19:57
  Speaker 2: A lot of trying to understand where the other it's
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: coming from, because I think when we had a passion
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: for something, you know, about something our kids were going through,
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: and we understood, you know, where you were coming from
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: and where I was coming from, even if we didn't
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: agree on the you know, end result of it, there
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: was a compassion there that that I think helped us
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: through it, you know what I mean. So it takes compassion,
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: it takes understanding, it takes I think also when you're divorced,
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: there's a feeling of am I a good parent? Maybe
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: the other person's a better parent, and it flips flops.
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: I feel like you feel that way too, I'm not wrong,
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: like and wanting to the other parent of go, hey,
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: I'm a good parent too, and so you're always trying
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: to prove to the other parent, know I'm I'm Yeah.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: There was a lot of that for us, because I
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: would send them to you and I would think they
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: weren't being taken care of well enough or to my
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: standards or whatever it was. But then just I would
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: have to step back from that because like you were
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: doing the best you could and giving them all the
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: things that you knew to give them.
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Like it was hard because when I drop them
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: off to your house, I'm like, they're with their mom
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: and I know they're safe and they're comfortable and if
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: they need me, I'm here. And I think in the beginning,
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: a lot of it was like are you picking up
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: Fiona at school? Are you are you feeding her this?
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: And so there was a lot of like safeguard and
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: I was like, I got it, I got it covered,
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: don't worry.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: I think that's what led us to I remember there
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: was a point for us when you, in one of
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: our many texts exchange, you said leave me alone. I'll
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: do it my way, you do it your way. And
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: those were points where we would just reach a point
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: where we couldn't communicate anymore. Those walls you know, we're up.
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: Well, it's hard when I'm trying to parent and like
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm always being looked over, like I'm
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: not doing it well or not doing it right, you know,
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: And it's like I need to be able to have
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: the space to parent my own way. And then you know,
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: we have to come together on obviously certain terms of
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: certain rules and stuff. And it always helped when we
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: had the same rules in the same house. So it
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: wasn't like here's chocolate and candy, you know what I mean.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: But it wasn't that. It was just always like I
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: think you were a little nervous that I was going
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: to be late, or I was gonna pick up Fiona
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: on time, or do you know, don't forget you has
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: soccer or don't forget And I was like, I have
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: the calendar, I've got it.
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of uh.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: Yeah, then you were text me like ten minutes before going,
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: wait where do I go?
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah? Sometimes, but yeah, it takes listen again, when you
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: break up with someone and then you still have this immense,
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: tremendous responsibility with them. It's you have to put everything
• 22:46
  Speaker 2: aside to like to work together. And there's still a
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: lot of pain there in the relationship not working out.
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: A lot of feeling like if you failed the kids,
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: or you know, we failed the kids in some way,
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: and a lot of feelings of like, you know, my
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: way is right, your way is wrong, your way is right,
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: my way is wrong, and so like. But waiting through
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: all of that and going, well, what's best for them,
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: you know, not not what makes me feel like a
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: good parent or feels you feel like a good parent,
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: What's what's really best for them? And and and it's hard,
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: but it's like, I think what we were good a
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: is we loved our kids so much, you know that
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: we were somehow able to like get to a point
• 23:34
  Speaker 2: where you know, even if we didn't agree, they were okay.
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: You know. I also think kids are resilient. They're very
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: resilient in the sense that we felt like, well, if
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: I lose this point, they're gonna be messed up for life,
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: or you know, if I give in on this, and
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: and and they go to this school and you want
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: them to go to that school that they're gonna their
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: whole life is gonna be, and it's not. I think
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: that they're going to have their lessons in that whatever
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: they're going through, and they're going to grow from that experience.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: And so I never looked at it like, well, maybe
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: if they went here and they didn't go there, they'd
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: end up differently because they have a way of ending
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: it where they're supposed to be.
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: Always that's how life works. Yes, But I think that
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: when you are a child of divorce, your younger years
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: are so much more challenging. There's just so much more
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: going on in your head and your heart, you know,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: conflict and questions and being uncertain, you know. I think
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: that there's so much that they have to process, and
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: that I mean for most people that I've talked to,
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: if you're a child of divorce, that's something that is
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: in you for the rest of your life. It's so
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: when you say I think kids are resilient, I agree
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: with you on some level, But I also think that I.
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: Think that goes back to our ideologies because like I
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: think that that uncomfortableness that they carry made them strong
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: to be who they are.
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: I'm not arguing that, No, absolutely, I agree with you.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: I think every challenge that we all go through takes
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: us to the next step, to the next step, to
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: the next step of our evolution and are growing And
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: I think that. But I think that when kids are
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: put in the position of being children of divorce, you're
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: adding in something that they didn't create. So their natural
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: like story, life journey takes the left turn or right turn.
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but I'm big on the story of it all
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: because like, whatever story you create for them is the
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: story they're going to believe. And I always felt that
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: what maybe we could have done better is creating a
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: universal story of that would have been more beneficial to them. Like,
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: like I'll give you an example. My dad works seven
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: days a week. You know, I didn't see him Monday
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: through Friday at all. He left in the morning at
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: nine am. I went to school at six at seven am,
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: so I went to school before he woke up. And
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: then he would come home at two am, so I
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: didn't see him. And on Saturdays he worked, so I
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: saw him in the mornings and then I saw him
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: on Sunday. That's all that's I saw. So I saw
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: my dad one day week. And if I had a
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: mom who was just like, your dad's never here, he's
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: never around. I'm doing everything around here, I would have
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: hated my dad. But I had a mom who was
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: always like, your dad's working so hard for us, your
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: dad's putting food on the table. Your dad, you know,
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: work hard, because your dad works hard, and you got
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: you know, he's going to be proud of you. And
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: and so this tape that I was hearing, my dad
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: was a superhero to me. And I never was angry
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: at him for not being around. I looked at him
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: as as this role model of like somebody who like
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: gave up a lot for his family. And I feel like,
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: you know, so that the tape we play for our
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: kids of like, you know, a lot of times we
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: would villainize each other, you know, and and it would
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: just be there, not in the sense that we've villainize
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: each other in front of our kids, but like they
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: could tell if there's tension there or like you're in
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: a disagreement with me, or I'm in disagreement with you,
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: and they feel it, and like you know, his mom, right,
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: and then you're putting them in a position. We're putting
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: them in positions to like choose sides and so like, yes,
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: there's a something they carry, and I don't come from
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: divorced parents, so I don't know what that would be.
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: But I always felt like if you and I stayed unified,
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: if you and I could could get along, if you
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: and I, you know, could work together, and they saw
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: that there was still love there, you know, and even
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: though we weren't in this relationship, that they could walk
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: away going you know, with the story of mom and
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: dad are still in each in our corners. Maybe they're
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: not together, but they're in our corners, and and then
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: they would grow from a more positive experience out of
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: it instead of like is bad.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: I agree with you. I do agree with you. I
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: think that we're talking about two different things that I
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: think we're talking about the psychological impact of a divorce
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: on a young child and how it progresses to the
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: rest of our life. And I think we're also talking
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: about the story or trying to model for your kids.
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: And I think that what you're saying is absolutely true. Actually,
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: it was making me a little feel a little emotional
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: while you were talking about that, because I know I
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: could have been better about that, and I know, you know,
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: I could have been better about that, and that's hard
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: for me because I did my best, but sometimes my
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: best wasn't the best, you know, and I acknowledge that,
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: and like it pains me now to see that that
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: I created something there for us to deal with, for
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: them to deal with because of my just my pain
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: or whatever it was. Like I said, we haven't really
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: talked about.
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: Anything, but here's the thing, like even though you might
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: have felt that, and you feel that now and like
• 29:12
  Speaker 2: you know, yeah, we went through that, Like I know that.
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: Our daughter Lola today was like I'm so I'm so
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: excited for your mom to talk about because they're because
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: they know that. You know, our kids really like I mean,
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: knock on wood, they're they're just so incredible, you know
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: what I mean. Like I'm so proud of them. They're
• 29:31
  Speaker 2: so smart, they're so like our daughter's twenty and like
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: she doesn't even like to like drink, she doesn't go
• 29:38
  Speaker 2: out partying. She's like very like focused on what she
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: wants out of life. Like I mean, I didn't have
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: it all together at twenty, you know what I mean.
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: The way our kids have it together, and our oldest
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: daughter too, you know, is. You know, she went off
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: to New York at twenty three or twenty four and
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: on her own, you know, got an apartment on our own,
• 29:58
  Speaker 2: got a job on her own, and was able to
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: like you know, be autonomous and like we were always
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: there for her, but she didn't, you know, she was
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: able to take care of herself and to this day
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: still is. And like I look at that and I'm like, well,
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: we most have done something right, because you know, a
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: lot of kids today, if they grow up and they're
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: too reliant on their parents, they don't leave the house
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: till live thirty. You know. I know a lot of
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: friends whose kids are just like still kind of kicking around,
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: not knowing partying or you know, getting into drugs or like,
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: we were really blessed with our kids that they they
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: just grew up so wonderful. And I think it. You know,
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: I can't. I can't sit here and say we did
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: a terrible job when our kids are so good, because
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: I really think that, you know, whatever happened, you know, yes,
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: there were things we could have dealt with better on
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: both ends, but like they really benefited from from both
• 31:02
  Speaker 2: both worlds. You know, I think, I think when you're
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: co parenting too, if you got if if they're parents
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: out there that are getting divorced, if they could put
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: you know, I was going to ask you all of
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: that pain aside and and the differences aside, and try
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: to keep the front unified and get on the phone
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: and and and if you have a disagreement or don't
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: see eye on something, texting isn't going to help, you,
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: know what I mean. I think both of us felt like, oh,
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: I don't want to rock the apple cart, and like
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: call and rock the boat, tip the apple car, knock
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: the boat.
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: Spill the go ahead.
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: This is why we got divorce. Don't text because because
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: because when you when you can talk to the other person,
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: as hard as it is. No, but that's the thing
• 31:54
  Speaker 2: when you're when you're divorced, you don't want to have
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: to talk to the other person, you know what I mean,
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: And you want to talk as little as possible, but
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: you have to when you have kids involved.
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: You have you have I know, did you, like I
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: said before, you never looked at me and thought I'm
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: going to be bound to this person for the rest
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: of my life by having children with her.
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: No, I mean, when you don't really think of it.
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: I mean when you're when you listen. When we had
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: our first child, I wasn't thinking about you know, life,
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: I was twenty one years old. I was thinking about
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: the moments, you know, and we came together very fast,
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: very fierce, was very you know quick, and then I
• 32:38
  Speaker 2: remember thinking, well, let's move in together and see how
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: it goes. And then it kind of just went. Like
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: five years went by, and I thought, well, we should
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: get married, and then we got married, and then we
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: had another kid, and then it felt like it was
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: almost like an arranged marriage in a way, and things
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: seemed well, and you know, you know, we we had
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: disagreements here and there, but it was like I think
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: it was so.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: We were really young, we really did create a special family. Yeah,
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: like whatever was going on between you and I really
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: felt separate a lot of the time. And then our
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: little happy family dwelling.
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: Well, I think we were able to shield it more
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: from the kids. And also I don't think I spoke
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: up as much, you know what I mean, because I
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: was younger, I hadn't really formed my own identity of
• 33:30
  Speaker 2: who I was yet, and so I just felt like, well,
• 33:33
  Speaker 2: I'll just be what everybody needs me to be and
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: I think that, you know, it's time went bio. I
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: was like, well, I don't even know who I am anymore,
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Like I kind of fell
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: into your world because you had more of an established world.
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: And that was tough because I remember we had a
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: beautiful house, but like you know, I didn't have anything
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: on the walls that I felt like was mine. I
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: felt like I was like supporting this life that it
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: was yours that I didn't like. When we got divorced,
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: I didn't know what furniture to put in my house.
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: I didn't even know what color I wanted to paint
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: the walls. I was like, I don't, I don't know.
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: I had to really find me, you know what I mean,
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: because I was so for so many years living this,
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: you know, for being a dad, living these parts, you know,
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: being a husband, being a dad, being this perfect family,
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: and so I never really fully got in touch with
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: and I didn't really have time to. I mean, I
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: went from my mom and dad's house, moved to l A.
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: You know, I had been working on projects, and within
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: six months we were having a baby. So you know,
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: I didn't fully have the I didn't I didn't have
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: a sense of who I was, and so I was
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: just trying to be all these things for other people,
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: you know. So when that fell apart, it took me
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: time to try to, you know, get in touch with
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: me and what I liked and what do I want
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: for dinner? I don't know. You know, do you.
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: Remember that being like a main part of your decision
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: to get a divorce, like that you felt like, I
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: need to find myself. I need to be able to
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: express myself. I'm not not able to do that in
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: this marriage.
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: I felt that. Yeah, I felt a lot of it
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: was like I was in this marriage and it felt
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: to me a little bit like an arranged marriage, you
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: know what I mean. Like I loved you, and we
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: had this beautiful family on you know, from the outside,
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: but I just was I hadn't hadn't developed who I was,
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: So like, how could you love me? I don't even
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: know how you could love me because I didn't know me,
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean. I was whatever you needed
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: me to be, Like like sometimes you would we would
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: drive up to your mom's house, and I was the
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: guy who drove, you know, I planned the vacations, I
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: was the dad. I was the soccer coach I was,
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: and then I go play parts and I was this
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: other person playing parts, and so I was just like, well,
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: I never got the fully develop me. I didn't know
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: who I was, and so I needed to figure that out,
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: you know.
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: And you didn't feel like you.
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: I didn't feel like I had the space to do it,
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: to do that within the marriage. No, So I think
• 36:34
  Speaker 2: that was a big part of it, because I felt
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: like time was going by and I didn't want to
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: wake up and be like sixty years old and feel like,
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: well did I live this life for all these other
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: people and not know who I was. I just needed
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: to go sort that, you know what I mean. And
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: I think I listened. It was all all part of
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: just you know, you you had already been established and
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: working since you were fifteen, so like by the time
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: you were twenty two, I was young, but like we
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: were in different places, you know what I mean, We're
• 37:08
  Speaker 2: just in different places. At twenty two, you were already
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: eight seven years, eight years into you know, your show
• 37:16
  Speaker 2: and almost wanting to retire, and I was just like, no,
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: I'm just starting. I want to explore you my career,
• 37:24
  Speaker 2: my craft, and I just it was it was just
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: also timing, you know, I mean of where we were, I.
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: Mean, considering all of that. We really did last a
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: long time. I think because of the children, yea, you know,
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: we kept having.
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: I think that if we didn't have kids, I wouldn't
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: have stayed because I would have had the freedom to go, Okay,
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: I need to be able to figure out who I am,
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: you know.
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: I think though, if you love someone and you are
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: in a family, Like I'm not trying to debate your
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: decision at all, because I everything's great now, but like
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: I think, if you can ultimately grow and find yourself
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: in a relationship rather than saying I need to leave
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: my family to figure that out.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: There was there's part of me, listen, and I was
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: very conflicted. There was part of me that was like
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: do I stay in this? Do I do I do I,
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: you know, leave it. I also felt gutted to like
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: break up family apart. You know. It was it was
• 38:26
  Speaker 2: It wasn't an easy decision by any means. It was.
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: It was a decision that I felt like I kind
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: of had to make, and I feel, like, you know you,
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: looking back, I feel like it was the right decision
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: because what you don't want to do is stay in
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: a relationship and play a part and then feel like
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: your life went by and the kids, you know, grew
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: up in it. But they were you know, they they
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: didn't that there was an underlying emptiness there that I
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: wouldn't have been able to like, yeah, I would have
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: had you know.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: It's almost like, on one hand, they missed out on
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: that idyllic family my parents are still married kind of thing.
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: But on the other hand, they gained so much more
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: emotional depth and so much more strength, I think, and
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: so many other things from experiencing the way it happened
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: with us.
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: Well, I hope look, if my kids are ever in
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: a relationship that they feel like, Okay, this relationship isn't
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: really you know, servicing me in a way that's making
• 39:34
  Speaker 2: me grow. And I hope that they, you know, have
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: the courage to leave the relationship so that they can
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: continue to grow and learn. And I think, look, wherever
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: we were at that time, I didn't feel like I
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: had the space to do it within our relationship, and
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: so part of it was like, what am I staying
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: in this relationship to teach them? Because what if they
• 40:01
  Speaker 2: get into relationship one day and they don't want to
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: leave it because they don't want to they don't want
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: to break the ideal like you know, image image of this.
• 40:10
  Speaker 2: You know, it's hard to leave relationship, especially the longer
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: you're in it. It takes a lot of it takes
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: a lot of courage, it's actually to do that.
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I felt like you wanted me to like
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: say like, thank you for your courage, but I could
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: never get to that. I don't. I don't, I am
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: I honestly, I remember distinctly you saying to me in
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: that r V Jen someday you're going to thank me
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: for this, and I got so pissed at you. I
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: was like, I'm never gonna thank you for this, Like
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: I mean, but.
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: You're You're in a wonderful marriage now with it, but
• 40:46
  Speaker 2: now incredible.
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: My point is like, I thank you for doing it,
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: for all the growth that I've experienced from it, and
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: because of it, it wouldn't be who I am now,
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: and I wouldn't be, you know, the parent that I
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: am now without well, first of all, without your partnership
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: through all of the ups and downs of it, of
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: co parenting. No matter if we wanted to kill each
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: other at times, or not, we still were there for
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: one another. They always had a dad, And I have
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: the space within my heart now to really find all
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: those areas of respect for you and your decision, why
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: you made it for yourself, and how hard that was
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: for you, and your concern with the girl's feelings and
• 41:36
  Speaker 1: how it affected them. And I have a lot of
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: just gratitude knowing that you were a full time dad,
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: like you were always there for the girls. You are
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: always there for the girls, and you're always there for
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: me if I call you and I need some help
• 41:54
  Speaker 1: with something or I'm struggling. There were times when I
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: didn't feel that support from you when things were not good,
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: and that was so difficult. I think that when women,
• 42:05
  Speaker 1: when you're in a situation where your family is everything
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: and then your husband's no longer with you, you feel
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: alone and terrified, and especially if that partner isn't amicable
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: or showing that support or that respect for you the
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: mother as the mother, you know. I think that that
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: is something I'm just so grateful for. Okay, I think
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: this is a good place to take a pause. Ten
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: years ago, I never imagined that I would be having
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: this conversation about our divorce and co parenting publicly no less,
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: and I have to be honest, this conversation is hard
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: for me on a few levels, but I am really
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: glad that Peter and I are having it and we
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: have more to say, but let's save that. I just
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: want to say, I hope that if you or someone
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: you know is going through a breakup or divorce, you
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: take away from this. As cliche as it sounds, time
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: does heal those wounds. I know, I know, I hated
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: when people would say that to me in the throes
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: of it all, but like any loss, those intense feelings
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: do subside over time. I mean, look at us, Peter
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: and I have come a long way, and I am
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: really proud of the progress that we've made over the years.
• 43:37
  Speaker 1: As we move forward on this journey of choosing ourselves,
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: let's do this. I encourage you this week to look
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: back on a challenging time that you have experienced in
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: your own life. Maybe you've gone through a divorce or
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: lost a job, or experienced an illness or financial difficulties,
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: and now you're on the other side of that challenge.
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: I want you to give yourself a little grace and
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: congratulate yourself on how you process that and move forward. Seriously,
• 44:15
  Speaker 1: think of it as giving yourself a hug. You did that.
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: We are all warriors and survivors, but sometimes we forget
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: to be our own cheerleaders. Thank you for listening to
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: I Choose Me and Hey, Hey, make sure to follow
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: us on Instagram at I Choose Me with Jenny Garth.
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: I really love hearing from you. I love you, and
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: I hope you choose to come back next week