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What's The First Thing That Narcissists Take From You In The Relationship? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  So what's the first thing you lose when you're in a
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  relationship with a narcissist? What's the first thing to go
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  when you get into a toxic relationship with a highly
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  narcissistic person or just a damn narcissist?
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  That's what we're talking about today, y'all.
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  If you don't hear, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a self aware narcissist here to give you the mind inside.
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  Look at the mind of a narcissist.
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  And that's what we talk about today, y'all.
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  Literally the first thing you as a survivor or thriver lose when
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  you're in a toxic relationship. What's the first thing to go?
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  I'm going to give you a chance to answer the question first.
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  Kind of like put your heads like we used to be back in school.
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  Put your heads down on notebook paper right now.
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  Your answer, OK, you have your answer.
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  Put your answer in the comment section.
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  OK, Because me as a diagnosed narcissist, I think the first
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  thing that you're going to lose is your identity.
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  You're absolutely going to lose who you are in a toxic
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  relationship. Yeah, that that's yeah, that's
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  one thing that you you can't damn there.
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  You can't fight against it. You cannot fight against it.
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  This is one thing that you're almost guaranteed to lose in a
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  relationship with a narcissist. You're going to lose your
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  identity. You absolutely are.
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  That's it's going to go you, you.
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  The same person that walks into a relationship with a narcissist
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  is absolutely not going to be the same person that walks out
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  of it. Now that doesn't have to be a
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  bad thing because you can walk out of it a better person,
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  right? You can walk out of it a changed
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  person on a glow up journey. You can start the healing
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  process and then walk out of it, right?
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  You don't have to start healing after you walk out of it or
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  leave the relationship. You can start healing while
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  you're in it because you start telling yourself the truth about
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  who the person is that you're dealing with.
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  You can start to break loose of the emotional ties or the
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  emotional binds that have you that make you feel like you're
• 1:58
  stuck with this person because you're going to lose who you
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  are. Y'all, I'm just telling you.
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  So what? I'm doing my one on ones over
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  Zoom or people in my support group, both.
• 2:09
  Both are available at mentalillness.net.
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  Bottom of the screen when I'm talking to people like that over
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  Zoom or whatnot, over phone calls, they'll say, Lee, I don't
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  know who I am anymore. That was, that's what they'll
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  say. You say I don't they they'll be
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  used. They they was like, Lee, I have
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  no idea who I am anymore. When I first got into this
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  relationship, I was this person. And now that I'm out of it, I'm
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  that person. Like, I just don't know who I
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  am. Like, and I tell people that's
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  the first thing to go because you narcissists don't change to
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  to be in a relationship with you.
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  That just don't doesn't happen very often, does it?
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  Y'all? A narcissist is very rarely, if
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  ever going to change who they are in order to be in a
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  relationship with someone else. That just doesn't happen that
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  way, right? So what ends up happening in
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  these scenarios is you change. Narcissists would rather change
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  their environments to fit them then to change themselves to
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  change themselves to fit their environment.
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  That's just the truth of the matter right there.
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  And I so many people battle with that and that that's a that
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  becomes such a conflicting thing for a lot of people to
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  understand and deal with right there.
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  That narcissistic people, toxic ass people are going to make you
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  feel like way. They're going to make you feel
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  like you have to change in order to be with this person.
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  And you what question you're going to ask yourself as someone
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  with this person, why do a hell do I want to change to be with
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  this person? I love me.
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  I love me some me. Before I got into this
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  relationship, Lee, I loved me some me.
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  I wasn't a narcissist, but I love.
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  I had a lot of self love. But now I'm willing to give up
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  that self love. I'm willing to give up my
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  identity just to have a shot at being with this person, just to
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  have the opportunity to be with this person.
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  And it sucks. It sucks so bad.
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  I'm unhappy as hell. At least I have this person, but
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  I'm unhappy because I don't get to do what I want to do.
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  I don't get to be who I want to be.
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  My goals and dreams don't matter.
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  I have to support theirs without any.
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  I have to support their goals and dreams without any type of
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  like help, help or assistance. But they don't help me.
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  They don't assist me. I'm supposed to be there for
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  them. They're not going to be there
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  for me. It's unfair because it is.
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  It is unfair. Y'all know it, you've dealt with
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  this person for long enough to know that fairness is not a
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  fairness is not a prerequisite to being in a relationship with
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  a narcissist. You're going to lose who you
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  are. And they're so yeah.
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  It's just the sad thing is when I'm talking to people about
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  narcissistic abuse, when I'm talking to people about
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  narcissistic relationships, right, that are in narcissistic
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  relationships that are trying to escape narcissistic
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  relationships. Some of them are happy to change
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  themselves. They are sad as hell that
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  they're in a relationship, but they will be rather be happy to
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  change who they are then to be by themselves for a little
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  while. I just like goodness.
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  That's when you know you got a lot of work to do.
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  It's going to take a lot of work to leave a narcissistic
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  relationship, right? But that's when you know you got
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  a lot of work to do right there. That's when you know you got a
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  lot of work to put in right there is when you feel like you
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  have to talk to you, when you feel like you would rather be
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  with this person than to be yourself or to be by your be by
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  yourself. And that sucks for so many
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  people. And I hated for them.
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  When I talk, you know, when I'm talking to people, I'll tell
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  them straight up, who were you before you got into this
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  relationship? And I'll allow them the
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  opportunity to describe themselves.
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  I'm like, who are you right now? I'll give them the opportunity
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  to describe themselves. And then I say, then I ask them,
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  who do you want to be opportunity to describe
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  themselves or to describe themselves what they want.
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  And they are like, you realize who you want to be and who you
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  are right now can exist in the same space because why are you
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  the way that you are right now? Who are the the the person you
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  are right now? What is that a result of?
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  Is that a result of just natural, just natural life or
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  just growing up? No, you got into a toxic
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  relationship and you had to morph who you are and change
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  your boundaries and change the things that you are willing to
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  accept to be with this person. And that sucks for a lot of
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  people right there. I want to be real that that
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  sucks for so many people because not only are you suffering in
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  this relationship, the people around you that love you are
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  suffering as well because they see that you've changed so much
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  just to be with this person. And that sucks for so many
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  people, not just you. That sucks for so many people.
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  Your kids are watching you. A lot of people are watching
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  you, your family members are watching you, your siblings are
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  watching, your friends are watching you.
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  That sucks for them to watch. You become a completely
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  different person because of this relationship.
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  And what ends up happening is that you when you become this
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  completely different person, some of your friends will cut
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  you off. Some of your family members will
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  distance themselves from you. Some of your kids will stop
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  talking to you and on the other side of things, you that are in
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  the one that is in this relationship, you'll start
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  cutting people off. You will you will start cutting
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  people off because of the situation, because of what's
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  going on, right? You will start cutting people
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  off because because this person, this relationship, they're
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  questioning your relationship. They're because so many people
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  when you lose your own identity and then you get into these
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  relationships with narcissists, you develop a new identity in
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  this relationship that is damn near you look like the
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  narcissistic person. Sometimes you start acting like
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  them, talking like them. You pick up the narcissistic
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  fleas, you divide, you develop these survival mechanisms in
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  your relationship. In this relationship, this new
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  relationship, this touch relationship becomes your
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  identity, right? So when people start to question
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  your relationship, you you'll question your identity, who you
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  are, it threatens your relationship.
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  So you become defensive and you cut people off.
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  They they question your relationship.
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  You start cutting off your support system.
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  It's not always a support system that cuts you off.
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  Sometimes you cut them off, sometimes you do.
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  Sometimes you become the one that distances yourself from
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  everybody else. They don't get like everybody
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  else doesn't cut you off. You'll be doing it.
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  You love the person so much, you cut your mother off your day,
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  your kids. But you got this person, right?
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  And people who do that end up living such just sad lives.
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  I talked to so many people in these scenarios that end up
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  living such sad existences because you're so unhappy.
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  You, yes, you, yes, you have this narcissist or this toxic
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  person with you. Yeah, you have them.
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  But your whole life is sad. Getting up in the morning is
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  excruciating. But hey, you got your
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  narcissist, right? Get it out of bed.
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  It's excruciating. But hey, you got this abusive,
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  manipulative bastard beside you, right?
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  You see what I'm saying? And I'm not trying to blame
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  y'all. I'm just trying to wake you up
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  to see what your life is looking like.
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  Sometimes you have to sometimes. What happens in this
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  relationship? It's kind of like this.
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  Y'all any like before this relationship, let's just say
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  that I'm just look, Yeah, I'm coming up with an analogy off
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  top of my head. I just saw these over here.
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  Y'all got to rock with the analogy right here.
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  Before you got into this relationship, right?
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  You wore glasses. The glasses help you see.
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  The glasses help you spot out things that are going on in the
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  real world. You can see clearly because of
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  these glasses, right? You can see abusers, you can see
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  manipulators. You actually helped a lot of
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  your friends to leave toxic relationships.
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  You supported your friends through toxic relationships.
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  You supported your mom with your toxic dad.
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  You supported supported your dad with your manipulative mom,
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  right? You've been supportive to
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  everybody else. But when you get inside a toxic
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  relationship, you need the glasses.
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  The narcissist convinces you that you don't need them
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  anymore. Take them off.
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  You can still see, but it's not as clear, right?
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  Just like if you wear glasses. Glasses help you see better.
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  Glass can help you get 2020 vision if necessary.
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  Right? Sometimes.
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  But you take them off, You can still see.
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  You're not blind, but it's foggy.
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  Things are constraint. Things are foggy right now.
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  And a narcissist, you live you. You depend on a narcissist to be
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  your sight sometimes, right? To be your sight, to clear
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  things up. And they just muddy the waters
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  even more. They throw dirt in your eyes
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  instead of giving you glasses. They put muddy out.
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  They throw dirt in your eyes. They make it harder to see
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  right. So your friends look like
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  enemies now. The narcissist looks like a
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  savior. Your friends look like enemies.
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  Your parents look like your enemies.
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  Your support system looks like they're your enemies now.
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  So that makes sense though, doesn't it?
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  It's like if you're in this relationship with this toxic,
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  narcissistic, abusive person, these are things that you have
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  to understand in order to get to you moving forward.
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  These are the things that are going to help you heal, help you
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  grow, and help you thrive after it's all said and done.
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  Because again, you will not be the same person when you leave
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  that relationship. You just will not be.
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  That just doesn't work that way. But again, leaving the
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  relationship and not being the same person doesn't mean that it
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  has to be a horrible thing. Doesn't mean that it has to be a
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  bad thing. This could be a good thing,
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  right? It could be like the
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  relationship is not a good thing, right?
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  The relationship, abusive relationships are not a good
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  thing. Let me clear it up.
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  When you get out of it, you be more hyper vigilant.
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  You're more sometimes you're more ambitious.
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  Your your go getter spirit is back.
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  You go like you get you, you have more money when you leave
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  it. You you get it.
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  You start businesses. When you leave a relationship,
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  you glow up. You have a glow up journey.
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  Your glow up journey brings in so much abundance.
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  It is crazy. So leaving the relationship
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  means you're going to be a different person, but it doesn't
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  have doesn't mean you're going to be a worse person.
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  You're going to feel worse. Sometimes it's not easy to
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  leave, right? But you don't.
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  It doesn't mean you have to be a worse person.
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  Anyway, y'all thank y'all for rocking with me to the end of
• 11:56
  this video. I appreciate it so much.
• 11:59
  My coaching, my courses, everything is available at
• 12:01
  mentalillness.net. My courses are on sale right
• 12:05
  now. You can enter the code Mothers
• 12:07
  or fathers for 50% off mothers or fathers.
• 12:11
  You can go to mentalillness.net for coaching and courses.
• 12:13
  Subscribe to the channel. Click one of these things to
• 12:17
  watch another video and I am out.
• 12:19
  Peace.