Latest / Privycast / Ep. 219 Pre-Planned Interview w/ Schmidt the Wizard (Privychat 57)

Transcript

Ep. 219 Pre-Planned Interview w/ Schmidt the Wizard (Privychat 57) · Privycast

0:00
you
0:25
Welcome back to Privy.
0:27
Privy is a podcast about bathrooms.
0:30
Recorded from my home bathroom.
0:34
I'm your host, Hunter Hoover, and I love bathrooms.
0:37
Welcome back, everyone.
0:39
Thank you so much for being here.
0:41
And I gotta say, at the point of this episode's record, which is we're we're we're recording close to release.
0:48
It's we're we're cutting it, we're cutting it moderately close here, but um we still
0:54
do not have I know it's it's impossible to think it's impossible to believe that we still do not have America's best restroom nominations for the finalists for this year the 2026.
1:09
Now we're approaching only two months remaining and they cannot get it together.
1:15
It's it's absolutely baffling.
1:17
It's wild it's troubling and it yeah it's a very frustrating thing.
1:22
And so um
1:24
Normally we would reserve some of our end of October, beginning of November coverage for America's Best Restroom, but we've had to slide some programming around.
1:32
And so um this year I'm going to do an a a little bit bonus.
1:38
We were we were gonna like change it up, but we're gonna do a little bonus phobia.
1:42
Um and people are afraid of a lot of different things.
1:46
This so far, this spoopy season, this is the penultimate episode of spoopky season.
1:52
Thank you for being here.
1:53
Uh and so far we've talked about people who are afraid of the toilet, who are afraid of bathrooms.
2:00
In the past on the show, we've talked about people who are specifically afraid of doing those bathroom things in public spaces.
2:10
We've also talked about people who have a fear of of baths and bathing and how that that's probably a troubling existence, especially for, you know, the people around them.
2:21
It's it's a trying time.
2:23
But this year, uh to to close out our Spoop Key season, we are going to discuss some of the the scariest and some of the the weird and deep seated fears that people have related
2:41
to their Halloween candy, specifically a a niche fear that they have uh that their candy is gonna give them
2:52
El Rancho Squirto diarrhea.
2:55
Now, this fear is a phenomenon that can be observed neighborhoods far and wide.
3:02
Um when you go out and you you see like just second, uh somebody's at our door one moment.
3:11
I'm gonna I'm gonna see if my if just Anna, can you Okay.
3:16
oh
3:20
Nobody's getting the door.
3:21
I could have sworn I could have sworn Anna was out there.
3:25
one second.
3:26
I will be right back.
3:27
We're gonna continue our discussion of of people being afraid of Halloween candy.
3:32
Just one second.
3:36
I'm I'm coming.
3:38
I'm coming.
3:39
It takes a minute to get out from behind the recording studio.
3:44
Okay.
3:46
One moment.
4:25
Dang it.
4:30
shit.
4:36
you
4:41
Is it still going?
4:42
Is it done?
4:46
Hannah?
4:47
Hannah?
5:00
leaves it all up, walks away.
5:02
There's, am I supposed to do anything in here?
5:16
Hunter, I need to get in the closet.
5:19
I need to get in the closet.
5:24
Um.
5:28
You are, you are.
5:29
Hello, sir.
5:30
This must be my spa YES
5:33
The throne of destiny, I have arrived!
5:38
Whoa, bring the volume down,
5:41
This is this is quiet.
5:44
No it is not.
5:45
Yes, this is obviously where I've been adventuring to
5:50
What are you?
5:51
Who are you?
5:52
must be the interviewer.
5:54
Nope.
5:55
We must don the cloak.
5:59
I'm here for my interview.
6:01
Yes, I am Schmidt The Sh wizard.
6:06
Language?
6:09
Le well It's my name.
6:13
Here, let me position this device.
6:15
Um It seems as if please do not k you have a nice device.
6:22
You come prepared?
6:25
oh Why are we here?
6:26
I'm I'm here for the interview.
6:28
I've been trying to track you down for six years.
6:33
No bathroom podcast.
6:35
Yes, that is it.
6:37
I am a rap the No
6:43
No.
6:46
The poop wizard.
6:47
Schmidt.
6:49
I don't run this podcast.
6:51
Well you are here.
6:52
I rang the doorbell, nobody came.
6:55
I came into the building, you're in the bathroom, and it's all set up.
7:00
Yes.
7:01
You...
7:02
you...
7:03
Did you just walk into my house?
7:07
It's not!
7:08
was invited for an interview about bathroom.
7:11
You know, you know my husband he runs this podcast Yes His name is hunter Why
7:20
Well because why would he not be in here to do this?
7:23
Why are you in here when I'm here for an interview?
7:26
It's literally the craziest.
7:29
He usually tells me when people are coming for these things.
7:33
That sounds like a very reasonable thing for him to do.
7:36
Yeah, it really is.
7:38
and you know, um thank you Schmidt.
7:41
Yes, I can tell by this weird bouncing line that nobody can hear what you're saying.
7:48
if I sit too much closer, then I will kick the table.
7:51
Oh yes.
7:53
Yeah, I I would think that by now, six years in, you would have a better setup for guests.
7:59
That this isn't my thing.
8:02
This isn't my thing.
8:05
Yet here we are recording.
8:08
So like what's the big deal?
8:12
How come we've been you've been six years I listen and year after year I think, surely this is the year that Schmidt gets called up for Spoop Key season.
8:25
And year after year I am looked past.
8:30
It's unbelievable.
8:32
I'm not gonna lie.
8:35
I've been trying to get on this for a really long time.
8:39
Why?
8:40
uh
8:40
Because I am Schmidt the Poop Wizard.
8:44
Is it appropriate poop must be appropriate?
8:47
If you will not use m let me use my my birth god given name, Schmidt the Sch the Wizard, then please allow me to use my kindergarten name, Schmidt the Poop Wizard.
9:01
Can we just call you Schmidt?
9:05
The Schmidt Wizard?
9:06
No, no, just Schmidt.
9:10
This is a weird conversation.
9:12
Schmidt the wizard, you are not getting full effect.
9:15
Here, I have to let my sentient hat.
9:18
Your sentient hat has a
9:20
No, he I listen.
9:23
That is actually an ear piercing.
9:24
Please do not.
9:27
He will be upset if you continue to be rude to him.
9:31
He you don't know, but I can feel it on my scalp.
9:36
He when he is upset.
9:39
It it hurts.
9:40
Stop making him mad.
9:43
Okay.
9:44
So like
9:46
Y Hunter must just this this Hunter that you say is not you because you are not the host doesn't make sense.
9:53
He must just have people literally lined up at this bathroom to get on the show because he would never contact me.
10:00
Surely there is a bajillion people.
10:02
No, no, not really.
10:05
Honestly, I'm gonna be honest with you, Schmidt.
10:07
I don't know if you knew who you were.
10:09
Oh look, a drink.
10:11
Uh yeah, he's not here now.
10:19
Was it good?
10:20
Very good.
10:24
What was that?
10:25
That's how he drinks When he's thirsty, he lets me know and Jen Schmidt drinks.
10:35
So he's just got lines and lines of people just itching to get on this thing, and that's why I have obviously six years almost seven years been waiting to be called up.
10:46
Yes.
10:47
That's obviously it.
10:50
That's the universal symbol.
10:53
for so weird you haven't been on the show?
10:55
No for the infamous six seven wizard
11:00
There's a six, seven wizard-
11:02
There's a wizard for almost all of the things.
11:04
I'm the poop wizard.
11:07
Thank you.
11:09
Yes.
11:11
So...
11:11
Um, I...
11:13
Okay.
11:14
Huh?
11:14
Oh man.
11:15
oh
11:17
Yes.
11:17
Schmidt the wizard?
11:18
What?
11:20
boy.
11:22
Maybe Hunter will arrive soon, but I'll ask some of his general questions, I guess, for now.
11:28
Nope, stay on my ha stay up there.
11:31
I will pr I will display I will display your piercing prominently, but you have to be good.
11:36
Okay, yes?
11:37
Uh I'm ready for the interview now.
11:40
boy, okay.
11:40
What?
11:41
What makes you?
11:42
uh
11:43
A wizard?
11:46
Well part of it's the hat.
11:48
You all wizards have a very good hat, which mine, of course, is this sentient turd.
11:56
He he gives me poo powers that are unique and and one of a kind, yes?
12:04
It's the only way.
12:05
Um
12:07
It doesn't seem like a very good hat.
12:10
No, you see, he's just a hat because I want him to be.
12:13
He's really a sentient turd.
12:16
He you can't see his ear piercing very well, but it's there.
12:19
See, it matches him.
12:21
It's a personal it's a personal identification tool.
12:25
So really, I am a wizard because I control all things poop, which as I understand you love talking about on this show, a podcast about bathrooms.
12:38
That's just Hunter likes to do that.
12:41
I feel like he would have been here for this interview.
12:44
I really don't know where he is.
12:47
You said you rang the doorbell.
12:49
Yes, twice.
12:50
And then I stood there and there was like people staring at me because they are very rude and because I'm dressed normally and then I said I'm sick of this, bull crap, I'm going in
13:02
and then I walked in and I heard you being like what in the world's going on in here?
13:06
And I just said, Well, that must be the interview.
13:09
Did you tell Hunter you were coming?
13:11
Of course I sent it by mail.
13:15
Duke mail.
13:16
I send him Dukey Mail every morning at about four to seven AM and then again every day about three thirty PM.
13:25
Is that even helpful?
13:27
Yes, of course.
13:27
It's my way of communicating.
13:29
I knew that this was coming.
13:31
I sent him a very urgent emergency dukey mail at eleven thirty PM just the other night.
13:38
You're talking about when he ate the yogurt that was two weeks old?
13:41
That that is just listen, if if we use our powers, if if all the wizards just use their powers the way unfettered and they're not tied to some sort of phenomenon that you guys do
13:53
like down here all the time, then we're gonna be blamed for all sorts of bull crap that is not our fault.
13:59
So while you and maybe him, probably less him, believes that the yogurt gave him raging thirty minute diarrhea.
14:11
That kept him awake for another hour past it was probably just me trying to send the urgent message saying I am um I am on my way and I have now arrived for the interview.
14:25
Be honest with you, Schmidt, that's probably not a helpful way of-
14:29
Did not you did not receive my I sent a fifteen minute heads up right before I got here saying, Hey, I'm on my way
14:40
That's not a help.
14:41
Nobody knows how to read that.
14:44
It's very universal.
14:45
Little kids struggle to read it for like a handful of years.
14:49
The parents deal with it a little bit and then they figure out you do it and then you turn around and you read the message in the bowl.
14:56
It's not that hard.
14:57
Nobody reads it.
15:01
They just flush it down.
15:05
Nobody reads it.
15:08
Nobody's reading the messages I'm leaving them?
15:11
No I'll send billions of messages a week.
15:19
It's okay It's okay It's okay It's okay Do you Yes, of course How else would I know about a podcast about bathrooms?
15:33
And then you're the poop wizard.
15:35
Yes.
15:35
Well, colloquially kindergarten when I was in kindergarten, so I was called Schmidt the Wizard that you won't let me say for like ages zero through seven.
15:47
And then when I got to kindergarten, I had to start late.
15:50
My messages were very weird early on.
15:52
But Yes, I know, but that's the starting late part.
15:56
I started late because I was very bad at controlling how I send my own messages to myself.
16:01
Um but then when I started
16:04
I got and they're like, What's your name?
16:05
And I Hi, I'm Schmidt the and then they're like, Whoa, what's wrong with that guy?
16:10
And then I said, Well, that's my name.
16:12
What do you want me to do?
16:13
And they said, You can't say that here.
16:14
And I went, This my name.
16:17
I tried to tell them about how I identify and they didn't give a frick.
16:21
Dumb.
16:22
It was crazy.
16:23
But then they said, For you can be just the poop wizard if this is really a thing that you're gonna be doing.
16:28
So then I was the poop wizard, but then when I hit like sixth or seventh grade
16:33
I upgraded to the crap wizard.
16:35
Um but then I kinda got made fun of a little bit in eighth grade and then I went back to the the the other wizard when when I was in high school.
16:48
and you didn't get made fun of in high school.
16:49
everybody was really cool about it.
16:51
They were like, Man, I wanna touch that hat.
16:55
I d they didn't understand that he's not a hat.
16:58
Do you understand?
16:59
Yeah.
17:01
Are you sure?
17:02
Okay, well, since you're a poop wizard.
17:05
Yes, well again colloquially name kindergarten name You can call me Schmidt.
17:13
I'm gonna call you Mr.
17:14
Wizard if you don't stop.
17:16
Okay.
17:17
Mr.
17:18
Wizard's actually like my like
17:20
Did you not a hanky?
17:25
He comes in December.
17:26
He's been on the show a couple times.
17:27
That's insane.
17:28
There's no shot that Mr.
17:30
Hanky has ever been featured on this show even once.
17:33
And this is the first time that I the Poop Wizard have been here.
17:37
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's like two or three times.
17:40
No way.
17:40
There's no shot.
17:42
Just because he thinks his stupid powers are better than mine, they're not.
17:46
He's fa he's not I'm not even sure he's real.
17:49
But anyway, all of the powers he has are obviously because he stole my powers at one point, and it's just it's just not acceptable.
17:57
If your hats a sentient
18:01
I think it might actually be distant relatives.
18:03
I don't know.
18:03
I try not to ask the hat very this looks good again.
18:06
No no no, oh good night.
18:10
It tastes exactly like the laxo juice I like to give people.
18:14
It's very good.
18:15
It's an elixir that I mixed up myself.
18:19
Okay, so, Hunter has been on, I've been on Hunter's show a couple of times.
18:25
and he, always asks some kinds of questions for all of the people.
18:29
Yes, well, I just wanted to say, like I I I will admit, just I need to tell you this.
18:35
One of my powers is I I can control poop.
18:39
Yes, obviously.
18:41
Yes.
18:42
Nobody in the room has to poop now, do they?
18:44
No they do not.
18:45
That's true.
18:46
You are very welcome.
18:49
I'm pretty sure Hunter, if he was in here, would have to...
18:51
That's impossible.
18:52
I sent him a message right before the show started and I'm pretty sure it was received.
18:58
The alerts on my shnitzel phone.
19:05
Indicated the message was received.
19:08
Yes.
19:09
Nope.
19:09
I'm very positive that he did it.
19:14
Well, I'm gonna have to strike him again.
19:17
Hopefully not at eleven thirty at night, and he will get the message early.
19:22
he doesn't eat yogurt, that's expired.
19:24
How do I get people to start reading the messages that I that I send them?
19:29
You
19:29
just stop sending messages.
19:31
that everybody will be plugged up really bad.
19:34
And then there will be a
19:36
Schmidt, Schmidt, really don't think that you have any effect on that.
19:40
I do.
19:40
It's very clear.
19:42
I control all pooping right now.
19:44
I'm going to there is a small fuzzy beast in your yard.
19:50
Yep.
19:53
She's in the kennel now.
19:55
Well you are going to have a large mess to clean up here in just a moment.
20:00
Because wait.
20:03
Uh okay.
20:05
Yep, that's definitely some dude down the street.
20:10
So so do you had some questions about me and Mr.
20:13
Hanky, yes?
20:13
No.
20:14
not about no no no no what hunter asks these questions what type of toilet paper do you use at your oh home your tree yeah your mom
20:25
do not live in a hovel.
20:28
I have a standard issue home.
20:31
It's just well, actually down here it's kinda weird.
20:34
Nobody's homes are made completely out of porcelain and there's not a pool.
20:38
It's kinda strange.
20:41
Sounds slippery.
20:42
it's very slippery.
20:44
Yes.
20:45
Slippery when wet.
20:47
And it's always wet.
20:49
That's disgusting.
20:49
So anyway, yes, I like toilet paper, but the problem is, is like I don't really have to use it.
20:57
I just kind of magic all the poop off my butthole, and that's pretty much it.
21:02
What is butthole not okay now?
21:04
Yeah.
21:05
What am I supposed to call it?
21:07
You're bum.
21:09
But the whole specifically.
21:11
Nobody gets to poo on the bum.
21:14
That's the meat.
21:16
Meat?
21:16
Yes.
21:16
Don't y if there's poo on the meat, you you're doing it wrong.
21:20
Ever I'm gonna have to do another one of these I'm gonna have to do another one of these trainings.
21:25
It's been like three hundred and fifty years.
21:28
Like I thought we wouldn't have to do it after we got rid of c cholera, but like the flippin' idiots putting the water supply next to the messages bowl is just stupid.
21:38
And so it's like you can't drink the message.
21:41
You have to look at occasionally you will break it up for science and then that's it.
21:47
Sometimes you'll burn it.
21:48
There are some freaks running around selling my messages on the internet.
21:52
I don't get it.
21:53
Like that message ain't for anybody else.
21:55
It's for you.
21:57
Okay.
21:58
Some people like to do the message into a box and send it to some other person to read, which is very weird.
22:05
But like those people read every single one that they get.
22:08
I don't understand.
22:09
Okay, gross.
22:11
do you put your, since you don't use toilet paper, it matter if you put it over under.
22:15
See that you have this here now.
22:18
it out you're going to waste it put it back roll it back up right now no
22:28
I'm actually gonna be mad if you don't stop.
22:31
What is wrong?
22:32
You said roll it back up.
22:33
I'm succeeding, yes.
22:36
Not if you want to make it home later.
22:40
Is it supposed to detach?
22:43
Not unless you want other parts of you to detach.
22:46
Don't okay, let's just put that there.
22:49
no So that'll be fine.
22:51
Nobody will be upset by it.
22:53
Will you have another Larry Large roll?
22:56
One?
22:57
No, I think we'll be here for a very long time.
22:59
But that's okay.
22:59
Why do you have such a large roll of toilet paper?
23:02
Why did you roll my toilet paper up into a ball?
23:05
Said to.
23:05
I was just gonna pull a little bit off and then you said roll it up.
23:09
Roll it And now it's back into a toilet paper shape.
23:14
It's no big deal.
23:15
If you want for just two forty seven a month, I can I can I can upgrade you to the deluxe package.
23:25
What's the
23:26
Magic to poop away.
23:27
No.
23:28
There's no need for toilet paper.
23:30
I'm gonna have to lower prices again.
23:32
Ever since bidets and dude wipes, it's been tough out here for Schmidt.
23:37
Nobody wants to pay extra for me to magic to poop.
23:40
It's sex.
23:41
Um I what type of currency do you take down here?
23:47
Do you take Schmidt coin?
23:50
Schmidt coin?
23:52
Have you ever heard of Schmidt coin?
23:53
don't want it.
23:54
But Schmidt coins are very good.
23:56
I want I want Schmidt coins are that I don't have that.
24:02
Well I'll I'll convert it to Schmidt coins.
24:05
No, I was let in by
24:07
He you in that's breaking in.
24:09
But I was invited previously by now.
24:15
then you rolled the toilet paper up into a wad, making it unusable.
24:20
And now you're shoving it down.
24:22
now you cannot see it?
24:23
Um but like I think we should explore Schmidt coins just for a moment.
24:29
No.
24:30
Let me tell you.
24:31
So do you have you have d heard of the Bitcoin?
24:34
Yes?
24:35
Yes.
24:35
Okay, you don't like it, but you've heard of it, and people get them by getting on their computers and being darks for hours on end.
24:43
Um these real freaks out here building weird computers in their basement, causing their electric bill to go up to get nothing next to nothing.
24:52
But you see, Schmidt coins are very similar but different.
24:56
You see, you mine a Schmidt coin every time you flush a message away.
25:01
And so there's some people that are very wealthy in Schmidt coins.
25:04
Your husband, yes.
25:05
I've noticed that in the last year and a half, his Schmidt coin mining has been down significantly.
25:12
He's eating a lot of vegetables.
25:15
I'm so sick.
25:17
I'm so sick of Bob and Larry, the veggie wizards.
25:22
I'm so sick of them and their lies.
25:25
They're ruining the Schmidt coin market.
25:31
You are a stressful guest.
25:33
You're so stressful.
25:35
Schmit is well yes, but then there is sweet relief.
25:41
You just- you- okay.
25:43
You- you- okay.
25:48
Do you like bar soap or liquid soap?
25:50
Oh, you'd never believe it.
25:52
I actually prefer to take the bar soap and then stick the liquid soap on the bar soap and then use that.
26:00
Okay.
26:01
It really gets it slippery.
26:02
Remember it the pool and the slippery one wet is better that way, yes?
26:06
I think so.
26:07
How are you on baths?
26:08
You like baths?
26:09
Um no, they don't really let me take baths anymore.
26:14
The optics are really bad.
26:17
It just kinda looks like a giant human sized turd floating in the water with all the the brown robes and the you know hat that's not a hat.
26:28
God.
26:30
No, it's a bad-
26:30
It smells better than that though.
26:33
What's a bathroom pet peeve that you have?
26:36
yeah.
26:36
So I already told you about the veggie wizards, Bob and Larry.
26:39
Yes.
26:40
You are aware?
26:42
Yes.
26:43
I think yes.
26:44
So when the veggie wizards when they when they get too wild and then people get like mixed messaging, so what happens is see Schmidt sends pretty regular messages.
26:58
I like to check get people on on kind of a routine
27:02
Of like, I'll send a message at this time every day, be looking for it.
27:06
But then I send a message and nobody looks for what you say, which is crazy and bad.
27:13
But Bob and Larry, the veggie wizards, as you say they have with your husband, they have been messing up my messages and causing people's routines to be very, very messed up.
27:25
It's very bad.
27:27
The other thing that I flippin' hate is
27:30
You know those little toothpick thingies that are like floss and you just like that?
27:36
Do you use those?
27:37
Yeah we
27:37
use them here.
27:38
Kids especially use them.
27:39
I hate it I hate it when people use those once and then throw them away.
27:45
Like it's okay to have a little bit of tooth goo on yes on yesterday's
27:51
you use it one time and then you throw away, it's disposable.
27:54
Yes, but disclosed.
27:56
No, no, no.
27:56
You dispose.
27:59
That's crazy.
28:00
They b they're built for like one full week of use.
28:04
you're done when the string is red from blood.
28:07
It's very simple.
28:08
They have a foolproof method.
28:11
Dash a pet peeves.
28:12
One use throwaway.
28:15
One use throwaway.
28:18
Yes, dick the pick wizard, he is trying to convince everybody because his dick coins have been way down in price, and he's trying to convince everybody to use more of the picks.
28:31
But it's all fake.
28:33
Like there's this whole like oh, if it's yellow, let it mellow, and if it's brown, flush it down.
28:39
But that that actually lowers the the Schmidt coin price, you see.
28:44
Because if you're mellowing too many times, then the Schmidt coin value is less.
28:49
It's very bad.
28:51
So I think the next pet peeve that I would like to tell you about is the mellowing of yellow.
28:57
And then they're just selling mellow yellow straight out of the the Burger King wizard's hut and it's just like why are we selling this to kids?
29:08
It it's like
29:10
No, that's not what he-
29:11
be doing mellow yellow like four to fifty times a week and I'm trying to send messages and get Schmidt coin prices up and and the Burger King Wizards just selling mellow yellow
29:22
straight out of the hut.
29:23
It's not what it is.
29:25
Mellow Yellow is a soda.
29:28
I'm a big fan of soda.
29:30
Yeah, it's a soda.
29:32
Yes, I love it.
29:34
I bet you do.
29:35
you especially like the Dr.
29:37
Pepper?
29:38
No, yeah.
29:41
You Pepsi guy.
29:45
Pepsi.
29:46
No, of course not.
29:47
Poppy is my favorite.
29:49
It's prebiotic.
29:51
It really boosts Schmidcoin.
29:54
All right.
29:55
Have you not noticed all of the new poppy flavors that I have been influencing?
30:01
They're very good.
30:02
All of them.
30:03
Except for the grape one.
30:04
It's kind of weird and the one.
30:06
Please when you go to like food or something is the worst.
30:11
Which one messes.
30:12
My favorite place to get Schmidt coins built up is definitely it's okay, the actually there's a few of them actually.
30:20
So you guys have Panda Express, right?
30:24
So where I am from, I have invented a place called Panda Rex Express.
30:29
And it does exactly what you think.
30:32
The secret sauce, orange, is actually laxative flavor.
30:36
And so then you just get Schmidt coins everywhere.
30:39
I'm sending messages on the minutely.
30:42
It's very good.
30:43
But also like when I come down here, I actually went to r I think it's called Riggy Squirtos.
30:50
And that thing, my goodness, they have got they have stolen my secret laxative recipe because that stuff will get you flying.
30:59
Like left and right.
31:00
Schmidt coins everywhere.
31:02
Messages inbox full.
31:06
Okay.
31:08
I also sometimes I will go to Jamba Juice and I'll get a triple dragon fruit.
31:14
I call it a trickin' triple dragon fruit deluxe.
31:17
Well, Dragon Fruit will mess you up, but it's okay.
31:19
I know.
31:20
It is another one of my best ideas ever.
31:24
Yes.
31:25
If only I can convince big big bathroom to let me market.
31:31
Listen here now.
31:33
Which one do I look at?
31:34
This one here?
31:35
Yeah.
31:36
So this one down here.
31:37
Yes.
31:38
Okay.
31:38
So let me listen over here you.
31:40
If you are big bathroom, you need to hear this.
31:44
The dragon fruit is it.
31:47
If you start I have a thing dragon fruit.
31:48
I have this feeling if you could infuse like every medication and every toilet paper with dragon fruit extract, we could really get this party bumpin'.
31:58
There's a future Invest now Invest
32:03
Have you ever had a dark shower?
32:05
yes, I take them every single day.
32:08
What is it a what is a dark shower that you mean?
32:11
You just said- you just said you took one every single day.
32:13
Why not?
32:14
to wonder if maybe I do not, because for me a dark shower is just what everybody else calls it, but it's just where I I go to the shower and I send myself a big message.
32:25
Make some Schmidt coins.
32:27
you
32:29
So what is a dark shower to you?
32:31
the dark, you turn off the lights and you shower with no lights on.
32:36
How do you aim?
32:38
You shouldn't be using the bathroom in the shower.
32:42
I I agree actually wholeheartedly.
32:44
If you're not flushing, there's no Schmidt coins.
32:46
So yes.
32:47
Everybody Well, because actually if I have Schmidt coins, it's actually like insider trading.
32:55
So I I I Yes, Schmidt the poop wizard.
33:05
No way.
33:07
Don't tell them don't tell them about my coins.
33:11
Okay, okay.
33:12
Now don't say any more about this remote.
33:15
Okay.
33:20
What just happened?
33:21
nothing You did not just transport into a parallel dimension?
33:28
No, something happened.
33:29
Okay.
33:30
So yes, sometimes uh people go to the bathroom and the shower.
33:33
What's the big deal?
33:35
You're telling me nobody ever does that here?
33:37
If they do, they're to be in trouble.
33:40
Even if it's just a onesie?
33:41
You know what they say?
33:44
I'm I'm working on a line of t shirts.
33:47
Gross.
33:47
Let me pitch it.
33:49
Onsies are funsies.
33:51
Yes?
33:52
No.
33:52
And then it's just a bathtub with yellow liquid in the bottom?
33:56
No.
33:57
Okay.
33:57
So so that's what I do sometimes is I'll pee in the shower.
34:03
It's fine.
34:04
Almost every time.
34:09
But showering with the lights off does sound pretty good!
34:12
Yeah, it's pretty nice.
34:13
um Okay.
34:15
You don't seem like you like it as much.
34:19
One time a dragon pooped on me while it flew over, and that was one of the darkest showers I have ever had.
34:26
It was really bad.
34:27
Also, again, back to the jamba juice.
34:31
Every shower post jamba is a dark shower.
34:35
It just is.
34:38
Jamba wizard needs to stop.
34:41
There's too much fiber.
34:42
People are too fibered up out here.
34:44
boy, okay.
34:47
Let's see.
34:48
What's the weirdest thing that you have eaten in the shower?
34:52
Oh big hunk for sure.
34:54
Big hunk.
34:56
Yes.
34:57
Okay.
34:58
Yes.
34:58
Well also sometimes sometimes so I have this idea that I'm trying to really get and I I think I think Hunter has received the messages.
35:09
But this idea the idea is called hot shower cereal.
35:16
And I believe he has received a message, but pretty much you just get cereal and
35:22
Of course, chocolatey varieties are my favorite.
35:26
And then you take a hot shower and you just you know, instead of milking your cereal, you just shower your cereal.
35:33
And it's hot shower cereal.
35:35
Now that is a terrible idea.
35:37
Terrible idea.
35:38
TM TM TM
35:41
No.
35:41
um Okay, let's see.
35:45
What is...
35:46
you wa...
35:48
I don't want to ask this one.
35:51
Why are you have your mouth on the microphone?
35:53
It's marshmallow flavoured.
35:55
No it is not.
35:56
Okay, bathrooms.
35:59
Hunters.
36:00
Do they eat frequently around it?
36:02
No.
36:02
It tastes distinctly of pumpkin spice and hen soap?
36:12
oh What snacks do you like to have in the bathroom?
36:17
yes.
36:17
So see the big hunk conversation from earlier.
36:21
Pretty much I try to keep a big hunk on me at all times.
36:24
I'm fresh out right now.
36:25
I'm kind of annoyed.
36:26
And the big hunk wizard, he is not actually cut me off.
36:30
And I it sucks.
36:32
Mike Chunk, the big hunk wizard.
36:34
Excuse me.
36:36
It's okay.
36:37
I know I have that effect on people.
36:38
Okay.
36:39
Um but yes, I sometimes also like mashed potatoes with gravy is a great bathroom snack.
36:46
That doesn't even make any sense to me.
36:49
It's very good.
36:51
Okay.
36:51
And you just like eat it, why do you go?
36:53
It's just like it's like up one side down the other.
36:58
Okay, what do you drink when like do you, Hunter sometimes likes a cold seltzer in the shower.
37:04
Yes.
37:05
Yes, it's very good.
37:07
I've done cold seltzer, but sometimes every now and then, every now and then.
37:12
Like I will do like I should have told you.
37:16
The other thing that sometimes I like is I like milk duds.
37:20
Like they're pretty good.
37:21
And sometimes if I'm feeling extra spicy, I'll try to sneak a milk dud either into the cereal bowl or into the mashed potato bowl.
37:29
And then real delicacy, this is really only a cremace time.
37:33
But like fudge with nuts.
37:35
It's very good.
37:36
It has to have the nuts.
37:38
Um but like sometimes when I'm in the shower, I like to just open my mouth and just suck the water right out of the spigot.
37:46
Ew!
37:47
Close your mouth.
37:48
But I'm thinking about trying to get some of whatever this stuff is.
37:51
It's very good.
37:58
Yes, I agree.
37:59
Very good, yes.
38:01
He was thirsty and wanted to try it himself.
38:07
So yeah, sometimes I just like to drink the hot water straight out of the spigot.
38:13
I call it spigot time.
38:15
That's weird, You are a weird dude.
38:21
Yes, Flower to Shower Wizard said the same thing.
38:24
She said and I quote, knock it to heck off.
38:27
Yeah, I agree with her.
38:29
Knock it back.
38:31
ah I wonder if Flower the Shower Wizard will ever be on this show one day.
38:35
Probably not.
38:37
She probably could do it one time.
38:39
She won't.
38:41
She won't.
38:43
She doesn't want to.
38:47
Yeah.
38:51
Um so I hope you're gonna get to all of the questions because the one and there was very clearly one that Hunter was like, you gotta be ready for it, and I am ready.
39:02
But like, go ahead, the shower, snack, and drink, and yes, and but then there's I know that there is other things he asked.
39:08
I've listened to these interviews.
39:10
Yeah.
39:12
Well, but I think it should be asked.
39:16
Well
39:17
But what about I so I know here, let me ask you.
39:22
Have you ever let me here, we can do the two part thing.
39:25
So like you ask me this here.
39:27
You say you say, have you ever eaten an orange in the shower as if it is an apple?
39:33
And then go ahead.
39:36
You ever eaten an orange in the show?
39:39
Yes.
39:40
But my favorite fruit again to eat in the shower is dragon fruit, but also I like corn on the cob in the shower.
39:46
It's really good.
39:48
Yeah, you just kinda you just kinda you go you go full cob and you just kinda like scrape your whole mouth down the edge of the cob.
39:58
Yeah, it's shaving corn everywhere.
40:00
Get to Yes.
40:02
Get it in my face and down.
40:07
See, the best part about eating corn raw is my message Raw.
40:11
Yes.
40:12
Well it's it's cooked, but you don't chew it.
40:14
You just go like this and then it's just like corn straight down the hatch.
40:19
And then in four to seven hours, you will get a message from me, and the message is look at all that corn.
40:30
All right.
40:32
Did you ever know about the corn kid?
40:36
let me see.
40:36
No thanks, that's fine.
40:37
It's corn!
40:39
It's a big lumpy n stop.
40:43
It's got the juice.
40:45
No.
40:47
No.
40:48
No.
40:49
Okay.
40:49
No.
40:49
Well I I that's really like there's only like two more questions and I came prepared for the one, very much so.
40:58
Yes.
40:59
So like go ahead.
41:00
No thanks.
41:01
It's time.
41:01
Nope.
41:02
I know everybody is wondering.
41:05
No, I don't think they are.
41:06
I th I believe that everybody is it is is a wondering it.
41:10
I literally flew all the way down here.
41:12
No, that's- yeah, you did.
41:13
You broke into my house.
41:16
Yes.
41:16
I gassed up before I left too, so I got plenty.
41:20
Yes?
41:21
Yep.
41:21
So the answer is of course.
41:25
Of course I have performed de Waffle Stump.
41:29
It was one of my greatest inventions.
41:32
I remember it like it was last week.
41:35
You know, it was tough to convince lots of historical people about various things.
41:42
But one of them
41:43
was the fact that like you don't need the chamber boy to get the pot for you to go to the bathroom in if you're already in the shower, you just let fly.
41:52
And you just stomp that G down.
41:54
It's the water's already there.
41:56
It's one of my greatest achievements, the waffle stomp.
42:00
Now, I will say and I'm moderately pissed because it used to be called the Schmidt Truffle.
42:10
Obviously because of the truffle you do to your feet and the schmidt that you knock down the the the tube hole.
42:17
But then it got renamed Waffle Stump.
42:20
It's all because that one loser started to make instead of the hole, he started to make the waffle thingy that you waffle smash and then now it's like the waffle stump and it's
42:29
just stuck.
42:30
It's un
42:31
Kinda like the Monster Mash.
42:34
Who told you about that?
42:37
the monster
42:38
you about that.
42:40
If you say it too loud, the crypt keeper is gonna come on this show and he is gonna be pissed off about it.
42:45
I know that.
42:47
We've met the Cryptkeeper.
42:48
What?
42:49
He's been on the show.
42:52
Ma'am, I think it was last year,
42:53
No, he d there's no way that the Crypt Keeper snuck on the show.
42:57
I mean, was invited onto the show before me.
43:00
Yeah.
43:01
Pretty sure it was last year.
43:05
On Halloween.
43:05
And and was he cool?
43:07
Yeah, he was really cool.
43:09
Was his accent very accurate to the place that he said he was from?
43:14
Sure, we can pretend that.
43:15
good, yes.
43:16
So I believe that that is that is some bullshmit.
43:22
Schmidt.
43:24
Stop it.
43:25
And because I while I agree with the Cripkeeper, it is obviously not the Monster Mash.
43:33
It's the monster mash.
43:34
It is obviously the Transylvania twist.
43:38
I see you s I I see you Cripkeeper.
43:42
He he sees you too.
43:46
But I do think it's crazy that there is a campaign against the Transylvania Twist Monster Mash debacle and nobody is trying to fix the Schmidt Truffle.
43:59
Oh, the Schmidt Shuffle.
44:06
They don't care.
44:07
They don't Just like they don't read your messages and they don't care.
44:13
You you're t you're telling me Schmidt Scheffel's not better than the Waffle Stump.
44:17
I don't care.
44:20
If somebody did one, you would
44:22
If somebody did one in my bathroom, they'd be in trouble.
44:25
Well, you would never know if they did it right.
44:27
That's the key.
44:29
it.
44:31
Not if you're not in the room.
44:35
if you do it in the house.
44:37
I would never do it in your home.
44:39
You broke you broke into my home, and then you ruined the toilet paper.
44:44
How do I know the way you won't do in here?
44:49
Um I don't know.
44:51
You you told me to do it.
44:53
I literally rang the doorbell.
44:55
I was told yeah, be here for this day about this interview.
44:58
No, talk about your very good poop powers.
45:01
Then I walk in and there's all this set up, yes.
45:05
I know Obviously.
45:09
Well maybe I had given him an emergency message.
45:15
Wait a minute, you gave him an emergency message and then you sat in here and made me have this conversation with you?
45:21
Well, he wasn't really open to the idea of having a Schmidt wizard on the show.
45:26
Are you kidding me?
45:27
So I figured, well, if I give him an emergency message right as he begins recording.
45:34
And I can somehow figure out a way to get in h in here when it's all set up, then we can do it.
45:40
And look at us now.
45:42
Yes.
45:47
You're gonna be in big trouble.
45:50
Me.
45:51
What wizard are you?
45:52
Oh flip.
45:56
Yeah.
45:58
Well
45:59
I'm the mom wizard that calls your mom.
46:02
How you gonna like that?
46:04
Well, sh she actually is the one that named me the Schmidt Wizard, the Poop Wizard.
46:10
so I think they
46:11
she know that you break and enter into people's homes?
46:13
Well I was invited mostly.
46:16
And were you just angry at the Cripkeeper I want tell the truth?
46:20
he broke in, yes.
46:21
No I rang the doorbell.
46:25
Nobody answered.
46:27
Well I rang it again.
46:28
Did anybody let you in the house?
46:30
Not yourself?
46:33
Now that's a loophole.
46:34
Nah, has to be somebody who lives in this house let you in this house.
46:39
It wasn't.
46:41
Well I think really we should just probably, you know, let bygones be bygones.
46:46
I got lots of messages to send, couple to receive, I believe, yes.
46:50
I'm gonna have to do it.
46:52
Yeah, you can probably receive one from your mom.
46:54
Okay.
46:55
She was very upset to hear one time that I'm eating cereal in the bathroom.
47:00
Oh, but you'd be really upset to hear that you're breaking in, entering into people's houses and ruining the toilet paper.
47:05
Yeah.
47:06
I will fix your toilet paper eventually.
47:08
It looks like you have a giant roll that you may use while you wait.
47:11
No, that's Hunter's role.
47:15
What does he need that much for?
47:18
I'm not sending that many messages.
47:20
And apparently he's not reading them.
47:22
That's insane.
47:23
Yeah, I know he is.
47:24
I know he is.
47:25
You'll see.
47:26
You will all see.
47:27
No you won't.
47:30
Alright Schmidt.
47:33
Do you have any bathroom wisdom before I kick you out of here?
47:36
Of course, of course.
47:38
So I was going around telling everybody eat their vegetables because it was going over really good with Bob and Larry, the the veggie wizards.
47:47
But then they started to infringe on the Schmidt coin.
47:50
And it's stupid.
47:51
I don't know why they would do it.
47:52
It's really bad.
47:54
So what I'm telling people now is really go hog on the Halloween candy.
48:02
I'm talking like really make a problem.
48:05
I'm talking like if you can get your hands on Haribo sugar free gummy bears, first of all, you're gonna want to send, I believe, Hunter a message about that.
48:15
Cause I think that there is some things that he wants to attempt.
48:18
But yes, it's very sad.
48:22
But if they did, the Schmidt coin would be running wild and free.
48:27
So anyway, I I would say just keep everything going.
48:32
And make sure you turn around and read the message.
48:34
It's okay to take a look at what's going on back there before you say goodbye.
48:38
It's good.
48:39
What if there's something going on?
48:41
How will you know if the corn is still present?
48:43
How will you know?
48:48
Well that's my wisdom.
48:52
I don't know if it's wisdom, so much is terrible advice.
48:58
Well, in the eye of the beholder, I guess.
49:00
Yes.
49:00
Well, I believe that I just I I only paid for parking for an hour.
49:05
So um
49:07
Did you pay for parking?
49:08
This is a neighborhood.
49:09
There was a kid with a basketball standing outside, he said it's five bucks to park.
49:13
You be
49:13
some random kid five bucks to park?
49:16
What did you...
49:18
You know what?
49:21
You pay a kid in Schmitt coin?
49:22
Yes.
49:24
Freshly made.
49:27
I always carry fresh Schmitcoin in a bag.
49:31
Yes, of course.
49:32
I said don't open.
49:34
your mom.
49:36
What kind of wizard is your mom?
49:38
Um I'm not sure.
49:41
I think she like a wooden spoon spanking wizard?
49:45
Yeah.
49:45
I'm going to give her a call.
49:49
I want my Schmidt coin back, kid, if you hear this.
49:53
You rip me off.
49:54
You're gonna get a wooden spoon from your mom, I think.
49:59
That sounds very bad.
50:00
Yeah.
50:01
Well.
50:03
Good thing you don't know who she is.
50:05
Alright.
50:07
Maybe you don't know where she lives.
50:11
Good luck with Yep.
50:13
Anyway, um somebody has s has summoning me and my parking meter is probably gone back to play Fortnite.
50:22
So
50:24
I need to get out of here because there's some unclogging that I have to do.
50:27
Somebody ate an entire bag of Costco cheese sticks.
50:31
I tried to send him a message but we are really plugged up.
50:36
Did you know that if you stick a if you stick a plunger and you can actually like plunge a human
50:43
No.
50:44
You know what, Schmidt?
50:45
I think you should probably go deal with-
50:47
Okay, well thank you for inviting me for inviting me into your home uh and inviting me on the show to share.
50:55
Do that too.
50:56
Wait, why are you running away from it?
50:59
For letting me share all of this all of this very wisdom very good wisdom.
51:03
Remember the Schmidt shuffle?
51:05
Remember, Schmidt coins, remember, read the messages.
51:10
They're all there for you.
51:12
No.
51:13
And and Mr.
51:13
Hanky, we're cool, but like next time you need to tell me when you get on this thing.
51:17
All right, it's still moving.
51:18
It's very difficult to stay with it.
51:20
All right.
51:21
I get it.
51:22
Is it time to leave now or are we still
51:24
Get out of my house.
51:26
Get out.
51:29
Leave.
51:41
That wizard just messed up.
51:43
Like really bad.
51:46
He needs to see somebody.
51:47
Ugh, good night.
51:50
I'm outta here.
51:50
I'm outta here!
51:52
This is- this is ridiculous.
51:54
I don't even wanna do anything and- and- and clean up the car and- and I'm out.
52:19
UGH
52:21
Heck?
52:22
What the what is going on?
52:27
This is the stupidest prank I've ever been a part of.
52:29
I'm gonna I'm gonna have to talk to Anna.
52:31
This is actually crazy.
52:33
Everything's all messed up.
52:35
Some idiot.
52:36
What is going on?
52:39
Okay, so why is there 54 minutes of recording?
52:46
Okay.
52:48
I went to answer the door and I opened the door and there's nobody there.
52:56
Okay.
52:58
So then I'm walking down the hall and I I got struck by just I was gonna listen.
53:06
I know it's been a long time since I've really given y'all a severe bathroom update.
53:11
But I was struck with just an unbelievable urge to go to the bathroom, could not be controlled anymore.
53:18
I almost didn't make it.
53:19
So I dove into the kids, but I didn't want to stink up the recording studio.
53:24
And I'm like, dang it, I'm gonna have to like I'm I'm gonna have to figure this out.
53:30
And but it did give me time to like get my thoughts about the scariest Halloween candy for bathrooming.
53:37
And then I come out of the bathroom and come back to record, and there's there's two mics, the computer's all
53:46
Cockeyed, my coffee's gone.
53:49
Somebody ruined the toilet paper.
53:51
Whoever's doing this is a complete idiot.
53:54
This is stupid.
53:57
This is bad news.
53:59
And the whole room smells exactly like a diaper.
54:03
And not like a child diaper, like an old person diaper.
54:08
It's very bad.
54:10
And I I think there was like wet on the floor.
54:13
I don't know.
54:17
But we're at fifty-five minutes.
54:18
So I I I actually don't have time for much more today.
54:22
Um we're gonna see what happened.
54:27
And and hopefully it's hopefully it's listenable.
54:29
Like I I I appreciate y'all being here, I guess.
54:33
Um not sure.
54:35
There's two I don't know.
54:37
This is crazy.
54:38
Uh yeah.
54:40
Thanks for listening.
54:41
Follow us on social media at Privycast.
54:45
You can follow me.
54:45
I'm at Al at seven.
54:46
Leave us an email, privycast at gmail.com.
54:49
Go check out the website, Privy Cast.
54:53
It feels weird closing the show and not doing it.
54:57
But if you leave us a rating or review, the five star options are preferred.
55:02
And you do will leave a a dollar for Wounded Warriors and in in Living Water International.
55:06
As a reminder to keep pooping in the free world, this free world was not always free.
55:09
And in pursuit of cleaner water for all, not everybody has it, but everybody should.
55:13
I need more.
55:14
This but like it's cold.
55:18
Oh.
55:20
There's like nasty hair in my coffee.
55:23
What the heck?
55:24
Oh gosh.
55:29
Thank you all for being here.
55:30
We got we gotta go get things sorted out.
55:32
Well we'll we'll be back.
55:33
I I'm sorry for this the strange dishevelment of the end of this episode.
55:37
Keep peoping it, keep pooping in the free world, own your sting.
55:40
And now, as always, don't forget to flush.