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21: The Mirror Mantra w/ Kimberly Riggins · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'm Kelly Siegel and this is harder than life a podcast about self-love self-awareness business and health We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple practical advice. You can start using today. Let's get living
• 0:15
  All right, I got a small disclaimer that this show today is being shot remotely because Michigan has a snowstorm. So if our audio isn't the greatest, it's not our normal, but ask for your patience. And like the harder than life, we just pivot and nothing stops us.
• 0:33
  today love your naked ass. That's the name of Kimberly Reagan's podcast folks. How stoked am I to unpack this genius? Welcome to the harder life harder than life podcast, Kim. And we're going to jump right in because your wisdom needs to be heard by everybody, but specifically you ladies who are stuck might or might be experiencing regret or shame.
• 0:58
  I suggest you flip over to her socials, which are all in the show notes or on her website and get to know this insightful, articulate, competent, and courageous woman. Hi, thank you for that. It's nice to be on the receiving end of that. Well,
• 1:18
  I just, I love women and I love women in the personal development field because you guys are vulnerable and you don't have any ego and there's just so much to learn. And I just, there's no, I pull no punches that I, this is going to get real heavy, real fast because you have so much to share. So if you don't, if you don't like your story, ladies, rewrite that shit.
• 1:47
  How do you do that? And tell us your backstory. If you didn't figure it out, that's your tagline. And I want everybody, this is all about you, Kim, and your story. And I want everybody to know that there's, that you've been through it. So tell us your story. And how do you do this? How do you get, how'd you rewrite your story?
• 2:09
  Where do I begin? Yeah, so I'm actually going to start with how I usually tell my story, but there's so many multi-layers of things that I've been through that I've had to really learn resilience and really kind of pull myself out of what I would call my own version of the black hole, right? We all have one, and it looks different for everybody. But I think that the major pivotal moment of my life happened when I was 16 years old,
• 2:38
  And I was a normal teenager at that point, as normal as teenagers can be, right? Especially being a girl. But I had a really good head on my shoulders and I had got good grades and I was in athletics and I just was a very normal, quote unquote, teenager, and to get into trouble. And there was this boy who kept pursuing me who honestly, I should have just followed my gut and 2020 is hindsight at this point.
• 3:04
  Everyone wanted to date him and he, for some reason, wanted to date me. And I kept saying no over and over and over again. And it took months for him to pursue me. And when I was at a party one night with friends, I ended up getting stuck there because my friend left me there. She drove us. She left me there.
• 3:24
  And I had no way of getting home. And I didn't want to call my parents because I didn't want to get in trouble. So it was my girlfriend I had spent the night with over all the time. So I ended up staying the night. And he came up to me and just sat down and started talking. And I thought, oh, okay, he's not as bad as I thought he was.
• 3:42
  Boy, did he pull the wool over my eyes. But anyway, long story short, we did start eventually dating. It didn't last very long. What I didn't realize because I was super naive because I didn't hang out with people who did any type of drugs or drank a lot or anything like that, I was super naive to the fact that he was a drug addict.
• 4:02
  or on his way to becoming a drug addict, essentially. And that's not an excuse by any means. And I had to work through this in therapy. But ultimately, one night after we had this amazing athletic performance, I was celebrating with my team, he shows up at the door of my girlfriend's house with his friend, there was many, many people in the room downstairs.
• 4:26
  And he was not himself, not even a little bit. And we ended up getting into a giant fight about it. He pushed me. So that was the first mistake because you just don't touch me, you don't push me. I'm not, I am a huge advocate of keeping your hands to yourself.
• 4:45
  Hold on a second. I want to interrupt you real quick. You don't touch anybody. You don't touch a man. You don't touch women. It is not okay. So yes, that is a red flag. Ladies and gentlemen, anybody touches you and you don't want them to. That is a no-no. A huge red flag. Yes. So he threw me into the refrigerator and I just...
• 5:08
  I defended myself. I didn't touch him back. I just started yelling and saying, this is over, please leave. This is not the appropriate place to have this conversation. And...
• 5:19
  I mean, this happened so many years ago, so it's like my new recollection of this. But he kept begging me to have this conversation and to not end things in this way. So we walked into a back room. It was like the furthest room of the house all the way near the garage. It was an office, honestly. And it was that cold floor with the wood floor, the plastic thing. You kind of roll your...
• 5:40
  your office chair on, right? And he was like, let's just sit here and talk. So we ended up laying down, looking at the ceiling. And one thing led to another, and he forced himself on me. At the end of the day, I said no, and he didn't listen. And I could not get out from underneath him.
• 6:00
  What I share with people is this change, absolutely changed the trajectory of my life, without question. One, I found myself in a pool of my own blood. Two, I found myself with this being my very first ever experience with sex and intimacy, which is not how you wanna start out that piece of your life. And three, I found myself locked into a bathroom, cleaning up myself,
• 6:31
  I still to this day can't even, I picture it and I can still see it like it was yesterday. I literally was cleaning up myself, crying, looking in the mirror, not recognizing who was looking back at me at all. She was angry and she was dark and it wasn't even me. And I felt like I had split multiple personalities at that point. And then I had to figure out a way.
• 6:55
  because it was late, it was like probably two in the morning at this point. And I had to figure out a way to sneak downstairs, hide the mess that I had to clean up so no one else found out. In addition to the fact of acting normal,
• 7:10
  the next day around all of these people that I used to call friends. And I say used to because there was a piece of me that was really angry that there was like, how did you not know? Or how could you not recognize or even come check on me at this point? Or just like, I don't know. And that's my own into that was my own internal
• 7:30
  conflict at the time after I've been through years of therapy, I realized like it was not any of their faults whatsoever. But I realized really quickly who my friends were and who my friends weren't. Because what ended up happening is I called home the next morning very early, it was probably like 630. And I told my dad I didn't feel well. And my dad came and picked me up. And I laid on my floor for three full days did not get off my bedroom floor.
• 8:01
  told my parents I didn't feel well, I didn't talk about it with anyone. I finally pulled up, pulled myself off the floor, went back to school and acted like nothing happened. Now I look back at that now and I'm like, damn, I was a really good actress because I really did kind of pretend nothing happened. But inside I was just, I was, I felt broken.
• 8:27
  And which is funny because honestly, how I would describe it is I felt numb. I felt broken and then I felt numb. And so nothing that I did, I felt anything initially. Like I was going through the motions. I was having conversations with my friends. I was going to class. I was taking the tests. I was going to track practice and all the things, but I didn't feel anything. I just felt like I was existing.
• 8:55
  So one day I came home and listen, I was an athlete, but I wasn't an exerciser, right? So it wasn't like I did additional exercising. I just decided one day I'm gonna go out for a run.
• 9:11
  Now I had been in track, so it wasn't hard for me to do that. But what was interesting is that I just decided I'm going to run a mile as fast as I possibly can. And then I felt something for the first time. I physically felt something in my body again. And that led to another mile and another mile. And obviously that's extended over a period of time.
• 9:33
  And so I started using exercise as a way to feel again, because every time I would exercise, I would get like this physical sensation of, you know, typically people run for what they like to clear their head, they like the endorphins, they like the rush. But for me, it was, oh, my God, my body isn't broken. Like, I actually have physical sensations in my body again.
• 9:56
  And the more that I ran and the more, listen, it wasn't necessarily a good sensation. I would run myself into the ground, right? Like I would run till I couldn't walk because that's how I was feeling. It was like punishing myself. And during this time, I had all these kinds of crazy thoughts in my head. Like this was my fault. You know, I asked for this. Somehow I didn't.
• 10:22
  react the way that I was supposed to. I'm never going to find anybody who's going to love me because I'm damaged now. Right. And this went on for quite a long time. I just want to jump in for just a second. Cause I, I don't, I sure you've seen, I'm like wiping away tears speak.
• 10:48
  I'm trying to find my words because I'm floored. Thank you for sharing. And I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that and, and that you have to deal with that because it's still has to be affecting you. So I just want to run that back for the listeners. Just Kim was 16 years old and her first sexual experience was being raped. And yeah,
• 11:13
  Nobody should ever have to deal with that. And I immediately think of my daughter who's 14 years old. And I just, this is why I needed you on. I wanted you on the Harder Than Life podcast because I can't imagine anything being harder than this. But I want you to tell us how you cope with this, how you overcame it, and then how you do it every day. Because I can't imagine that this is...
• 11:43
  you don't reach a point where it's just better. I mean, all the way better. So talk about that. And I love you. Thank you. Thank you for being so vulnerable. I just, it's not easy. No, it's not. And it's hard for me to talk about it even now. I mean, I, I've talked about it a lot over the last several years.
• 12:00
  And I share it because I think it's important for people to know that you can find happiness and you can find physical sensation without abusing your body. And you can do whatever you want. And you can change the story and the trajectory of your life by making that decision. I think what happened was...
• 12:18
  After I started over-exercising and I started losing weight, obviously I started losing weight because I was exercising like crazy. And then I started manipulating my food, not because I thought it was heavy, but because I realized or I wanted to disappear. So it was like, okay, if I can get smaller, then no one will look at me, right? Because I was always...
• 12:38
  I attracted attention. It's just who I am with my personality. I'm not a bad woman to look at. I attracted attention and I just wanted to have no one pay attention to me. I thought if I get skinnier and I disappear, no one noticed me.
• 12:53
  That turned into a full-fledged eating disorder, by the way. I don't recommend it because you start to do things that you never imagined you would ever do. And it lasted all the way into college before I actually got help. And that's the key here. You have to want help in order to change. And you have to be the one that makes that decision. Because I've seen so many and I've worked with so many women who it's forced on them. And they're not ready to do it. And they actually don't really get where they want to go.
• 13:23
  So let's fast forward a bit. I was in college. I was still doing, going through the motions, still exercising. It was getting worse because I had no parents to kind of monitor what I was doing. I was on my own. I was working out eight hours a day, eating a bagel with jelly in the morning, and that's it.
• 13:42
  I was imagining that I was learning through osmosis because I would fall asleep at night and wish that all the words of the book for the exam I had the next day would come into my brain because I couldn't concentrate and I read the same paragraph over 100 times. I was pretty much flunking out of school, which was not me. I was a straight A student and I couldn't concentrate on anything. On Valentine's Day.
• 14:07
  which is my self-love day. I don't celebrate Valentine's Day with my husband. We do. We say happy Valentine's Day and all the things. But Valentine's Day is special for me because it's my self-love day. It's my coming out day, whatever you want to call it. I called home and said, I need to leave school. I need help. I can't do this anymore on my own.
• 14:29
  So that's exactly what happened. I took a medical leave of absence. I left college immediately. I ended up in probably two weeks time in a eating disorder facility overnight, inpatient for 30 days.
• 14:46
  It's when my parents found out I was raped. It's when some of my friends found out I was raped. Now think about that. I was in my, what was I, 19, 18, 19 years old at that point. So I had been holding onto that for years. And the only person I ever told in high school was my high school sweetheart. And so
• 15:07
  I did have another relationship. And honestly, I think he's one of the reasons why he's part of my healing process. You ever meet someone and you just recognize that good people do come into your life and they're there for a reason and they show you certain things. And I couldn't have asked for a better high school sweetheart. Honestly, he was a sweet, sweet, sweet boy. Sweet, sweet boy. And exactly what I needed. He actually believed me. And I did not think that anyone would
• 15:36
  And I will always have a special place in my heart for him always. But so after I did a stint in inpatient therapy, I ended up with outpatient therapy for almost two years. And in addition to that, I saw a therapist, I had a psychiatrist, I had an art therapist, I went through it all. And here's what I can tell you, it all works if you apply it. But what was missing for me was
• 16:06
  I needed more active healing. What I mean by that is I still was suffering from major body image issues. I was seeing somebody that still wasn't there and there was no one that I had currently worked with up to that point that actually was helping me with that directive.
• 16:24
  So I took it upon myself. Obviously, at this point, I've read every book. I've dug into every psychological profile I possibly could on how to overcome being a rape victim and how to change your thoughts. And I dove deep into personal development. And I ended up designing my own mantra, which I coined the mirror mantra, where I literally disrobed, stood in front of the mirror, butt naked, and went through every single part of my body.
• 16:53
  and to and admired it for whatever I could find that was positive at the time. And it really started for me at looking at my body as a vessel that functioned in a really positive way. Like I admired my legs for being able to walk or run or still even get up out of bed after all the abuse I did with exercise. Right. It was like I was admiring each part. So I went through every part of my body, my hair, my eyes, my nose, my mouth. Like, what did it do for me?
• 17:21
  Because at that point, I thought I was disgusting. I thought still no one would love me. I thought I was damaged. So I had to reverse that thought process. I had gone through all the therapy and recognized that the rape wasn't my fault. But I still had a lot of self-doubt and self-confidence issues that I really had to work on on my own.
• 17:50
  So after I did that mirror mantra, I just kept doing it day after day after day. And let me be clear, ladies, the first day that I ever did it, I cried for hours. I was a puddle of tears, a puddle. And, you know, most people would look at me and be like, what are you upset about? I was what, a hundred pounds?
• 18:11
  Right. But it's not about the way it's never been about the way it was never about that. It was about how you visually see yourself and how you imagine. Yourself around everybody else. Right. And what really pissed me off and I ended up getting angry and so for what,
• 18:31
  what you already know about me, because we're kind of similar in that respect. If you piss me off, I'm going to grow. Like if you light a fire under me, I'm going to grow. Like that's how I do things. Right. And I sometimes have to light a fire under my own ass to grow.
• 18:44
  Oh, you know what? That's, you know, if I don't have, if I don't have some sort of adversity, I, I, I don't have, I don't have a mission. So I literally laugh lately. I am like the water boy from, uh, Adam Sandler, like talking about his mama, you know, uh,
• 19:03
  I create things in my head so people say, oh, they don't want you to succeed. And then it makes me because I've lost a chip on my shoulder. I've done so much therapy and so much work on myself that I just I don't have that that will to survive. And our stories are very similar. Like I built my body because my my parents beat on me and I will be damned if anybody's ever going to beat on me. So I got huge.
• 19:25
  And I protected myself. So I get it. Everything you're, I hope you see I'm quiet because I'm so it's, it's not, it's not even resonating. It is sending shockwaves through my body. And I'm crying. I just, I love you and you're beautiful. And I want to say, there's no secret that I have a 14 year old daughter that I love
• 19:51
  very, very much. She's my whole world. I want her to listen. I just threw in back-to-back episodes with amazing, strong women. And I'm
• 20:01
  I want to know, well, I want to say too that first of all, men, we need to stop. We need to start healing ourselves and stop bleeding on women that did not cut us. Because that's really what my mission is, is to create awareness that, hey, we're equal culprits of this because there's something in us that we don't love that creates this same environment. Yeah.
• 20:28
  Having said that, being a parent of a 14-year-old girl, what should I be looking out for as red flags or warning signs that there could have been an issue or could be an issue? That's a great question. I think the first thing is if you have a – you should really know your kids. Yeah.
• 20:52
  And what I mean by that is if you have a daughter or a son who has a certain personality and they're bubbly and they're happy and they're smiling all the time, and then all of a sudden they're not, don't just chalk it up to teen angst because there's sometimes way more than...
• 21:15
  teen angst going on there for them and ask questions. Don't be afraid to sit down and have those hard conversations. But I also think if you, let's step back, before they get to a teenage years, you should be having those types of conversations. You should be making sure that your child knows that they can come to you for anything. I did that with my own son.
• 21:38
  to the point where he actually regurgitates my own words now, you know, tells me like, I'm fine, mom, I'm fine. But he knows that he can come to me with anything. In particular with girls, attitude, changing of the attitude is key. Sometimes parents just chalk that up to, like I said, the teen angst or them growing into themselves. And sometimes that's true. But with girls, be a little bit more careful with that because that is going to be the first sign that there may be something going on.
• 22:07
  If all of a sudden her eating habits change or if she's wearing more clothes or even less clothes, there's all of these like very subtle signs that
• 22:20
  Maybe there needs to be a conversation. Because I've worked with teens that literally will cover themselves up with 100 sweatshirts in the middle of the summertime. Hello, red flag. It's 80 degrees out, 90 degrees out, and you're wearing three sweatshirts. There's something there to be uncovered and unpacked.
• 22:38
  Kim, one second, that's the style right now, man. The style, because your son is 14, my daughter's 14. The style is to look homeless. Yes, it is. You're right. So that's, I just actually said that about that. I said that to my son the other day. Please not go to school looking homeless. The teachers are going to think we don't clothe you.
• 23:04
  How hard it is for me to not say things like that to my daughter. We have a great relationship. We have breakfast and dinner together every single day. Sit down, dinner, and we talk about some of the things that make her, what made you laugh today, what made you smile, what was difficult, and a little bit about what's going on.
• 23:20
  with her friend group. And because it is, you know, it's called junior high drama for a reason. She's got a lot of it going on and she's my kid. And I started very early with creating a badass.
• 23:35
  And she is, she regurgitates the same things to her friends that she hears me saying on the podcast, on my social media. She's a, she's an assassin. So I'm doing good. I will tell you, I was a little nervous and this is too much information. She's going to kill me, but she just started her woman thing. And I was looking at her and I had her for a long weekend and.
• 23:58
  And I have her about 60% of the time and her mom went away for her birthday and I had her for two weeks straight and about three quarters of the way in there, she just was losing her mind. And I'm looking at her. I'm like, what is going on with you? Was that? And then Monday she goes to school. This is Saturday. She's freaking out on me. What is going on? Monday, she goes to school. She calls me dad, come get me.
• 24:23
  I said, what? Take the bus. She's like, no, you have to come get me now. And I'm like, I said, what? She said, I just started my period. She's going to kill me. I was like, oh, I'm so proud. And she didn't want to make a big deal about it. I picked her up. And I go, well, I said, now I see what was going on this weekend. And she's like, dad. We've always had that tough conversation where we'll go to Lululemon and she'll go to buy something.
• 24:53
  What message are you trying to send? And then I let her pick and choose because she has to live her life and understand there's consequences, both good and bad of her decisions. Having said all that, I will tell you that there's not enough bail money to keep me out of jail. And she knows that, which I got to slow down. If she comes to me and says that a boy forced on her, I may go kill the whole family.
• 25:21
  I mean that funny, but I don't. It's why I never told my dad. Yes, I get it. She probably would never tell me for that same reason. I carry a gun and I'm a big dude. I will, I will probably, it would be ugly. She is, I get to live my life. The harder than life started because I get to live my life through my daughter. I get to re I get to have a childhood. I didn't have a childhood. I was scared to death.
• 25:45
  my whole childhood and I get to have it. And she is the reason why I'm doing all this. She's the reason why I sit in my uncomfortable crap every day. So if somebody robs her of her innocence, they're going to have been a hell to pay. But we talk a lot about, I'm sure that you'll talk about this, about being aware.
• 26:06
  We run through a lot of scenarios. I said, what are you going to do if somebody passes you a drink or drugs? And she's like, I don't know. And we walked through role playing and she thinks it's crazy, but now it happened. And I said, you just immediately say, I got to go to the bathroom. And then you drop a pin and dad will come get you. No questions asked. And we have that. And she's hit me up for that a couple of times.
• 26:31
  So that was just my lucky advice. But- That's great advice though. Talk through it. And then I have to follow through. I don't ask questions. I don't go in guns blazing. I just send a text, dad's here. She comes out. If she wants to talk, I let her talk. If she doesn't, I let her go.
• 26:52
  It's hard because I'm a fixer. I want to fix everything. And I want to go in there and talk to the parents. But it's the deal I made. And I honor my deal. I honor my word. I'm going to lighten the mood just a little bit now because that was so intense. I'm shaking. Thank you again. Somebody's going to. Now, we forgot to say, and it's going to come later on, is you work. The reason why you're on here is because you have a program to work with.
• 27:17
  all walks of life people. We're going to get into that. So just give me a second, but let's lighten the mood. Let's talk about some of your hobbies, what you do on a daily winning basis and, or does your 14 year old Grayson take up all of your time? Like mine does.
• 27:35
  He does take up a lot of time, but I'm okay with that. Eventually he's going to go, you know, to college and do his thing. And then I won't be part of his life every day anymore. Right. So I, I actually really, sometimes I have to be aware of that and remind myself of that. So yeah,
• 27:51
  he does take a lot of my time. He's very athletic and he's now going into track and I become the track mom and I will become the track mom all summer because he goes into, he has a junior Olympic club he runs for and he wants to go to the Olympics and we're supporting his dream and he's just amazing at it. And I want to make sure that I give him every opportunity to get there if he wants to. So my hobbies. Wait, what's his track specialty? What's his, what is he going to, what is he, what is his specialty? He is a,
• 28:20
  100 and 200 at the moment. Now that he's in high school, the coach is very much getting his hands on him and wants him to run the 110 hurdles and the 300 meter hurdles. He's six foot two. He could be a hurdler runner. Honestly, for a sprinter at six foot two, he's actually an anomaly.
• 28:42
  because most sprinters are a little bit shorter and a little stockier, right? That's just typical. Like if you look at Olympic sprinters, they're not that tall. Now, okay, Hussein Bolt is the exception to the rule and that is my son's idol. So everything he does is reminiscent to Hussein Bolt. Now you have me, now I'm pulling up Google right now to look up Ben Johnson because he was the big... My son would know the name.
• 29:10
  Ben Johnson. Um, that name doesn't ring a bell to me. Yeah. He was a Michael Johnson does. Ben Johnson, Olympic athlete. He was Canadian. He's the world record holder from soul. Uh, where is it? He I'm trying to look for his height. Yeah.
• 29:30
  I just showed my age. Oh, he's 5'7", 150 pounds. No, it's not the same guy. Anyways, 165 pounds, 5'10". Yeah. So yeah, they're usually under 6 foot and yeah. So my son's still growing. I can't even imagine how tall he's going to get. How tall is your husband? My husband is only 5'7". He's tiny. You got some explaining you want to do?
• 30:00
  I'm actually, I'm like five, eight and a half, five, nine on a good day. And my dad was six one and Grayson has definitely taken a big bulk of my genetics. He looks like me in every way. He acts like me. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. And he tends to take on the height of my, my side of the family. But yeah, my husband always gives him a hard time about it.
• 30:29
  My husband is tiny. I'm sorry. What does a typical day in your life look like?
• 30:37
  Oh, wow. I get up in the morning fairly early. I do a lot of personal development in the morning. I read, I listen to podcasts. I try to do that in the morning because it kind of gives me the jumpstart to my day. I do currently have a corporate job at the moment and I also just started an additional business. So I'm very busy and I block that all out in my day in addition to finding time to work out because that's very important to me. My workouts are pretty...
• 31:06
  Different daily. I don't like, I am not a creature of habit. So I will weight train at least three times a week, but I love to box. My dad taught me how to fight when I was a kid to protect myself, but I've always kind of felt like that was something that I, I actually used to want to be a boxer when I was a kid. And he said no, cause he was afraid that I would like wreck my face, but there's something about boxing that really helps with any of aggression that I have still. That's,
• 31:34
  still kind of inset and ingrained in me that I need to still let out. And I do believe that, you know, there's that, those little pockets that still find their way in my body that I still want to release. It's the greatest workout ever. I'm not a huge fan of cardio. So that is my cardio. I walk and hike. How old are you? I'm 47. And you don't have to do, so that's your cardio. Cause I'm 47 and I have got to do cardio or else I will gain weight.
• 32:03
  I'm going to chalk it up. I have, I have pretty decent genetics in regards to that. I think I eat whatever I want. I don't follow. Listen, I used to starve myself to the point where I wouldn't eat anything. So yeah,
• 32:16
  I don't, I'm not strict and stringent. I do eat very healthy. I have a background in nutrition, so I eat very, very healthy, but I don't eliminate anything and I don't treat food as good and bad. Food is just food and it's either more nutritious or less nutritious and all of it has its place. And that comes from where I came from and how I have to live my life. Because as soon as I start looking at
• 32:41
  calories or macros or any of those things, it becomes an obsession. And I don't want to go down that road. It's like you always have to keep working on what you were working on. It doesn't just stop. You constantly have to keep pulling out the tools that you've been using for years because sometimes it pops up in the unexpected places. It really does. What else do I do? I work a lot lately. I really do, but I'm enjoying it.
• 33:10
  I'm still struggling that you're 47. You look at your skin, you're flawless. You're amazing. The teeth, everything about you is perfect.
• 33:18
  No, I actually funny enough, I'll tell you a story. People say this to me all the time. They always say, Oh, you're look so young. And it's like, we all have our hang up right right now. I don't I don't mind aging. Aging never has bothered me. I turned 40. I turned 30. I was fine. I turned 40. I was fine. I tuned 45. I was fine. 47. I was like, man, there's days I wake up in the morning. I'm like, my forehead wrinkles are kicking today. Like what's going on with that?
• 33:46
  And then you just get over it. Right? I mean, it happens. I have them too. They're not. I have them too. And I sometimes find myself, my husband always laughs at me. He's like, really? Because he's older than me. Bless his heart. He is. He is the reason I am doing all of this today, too. Honestly, I have to give him some serious cred as well. Because he came in at the
• 34:11
  end of my eating disorder after therapy started. And I was still going through major, major, major body image issues. And that man put up with me in ways that most people would never put up with me. Right. I didn't realize that until later in life.
• 34:29
  We're heading into our 27th year together, our 17th year married. And listen, it wasn't all rainbows and roses, not even a little bit. We had a lot of issues growing up, but he makes me better. And he's taught me how to relax.
• 34:50
  and he's definitely in patience tell me how does one relax tell me that one yeah my husband works really hard i mean his work ethic is like nobody else i've ever seen but when he relaxes he relaxes hard now we used to fight about it because
• 35:09
  he does not have a problem, you know, sleeping extra or laying on the couch or, but if you have, if you're putting them to work, you're going to get 140%, right? So, and I was never like that. I could never stop moving. We always point that's, that's the classic example of pointing fingers at, at someone at three, but that's just you wanting to do that. And I get it. I'm the same way. He's a high school or middle school principal.
• 35:38
  So he must be amazing patients. And are you able to work with some of the teens from his school? Is there some synergy there or...
• 35:48
  Not right now. He just stepped into the principal role and he's getting his footing on running not only the middle school, but the intermediate school. I have not approached him yet about that. I've thought about it. I actually think that I want to go to a different school district first. I don't like to mix my personal and professional life. It's one of those things. I don't know. It's my own little thing to get over.
• 36:16
  Let me tell you how amazing you are. Believe in yourself. Every conversation we have, you're here for a reason. And you've got some amazing stories. You're chosen. Which is funny. My next question is, what...
• 36:33
  Or you put on this earth to do. I want to be able to inspire as many women as I possibly can, no matter what. So I take that approach in everything that I do. So whether it's, you know, learning to have the confidence and listen, you can absolutely build confidence because I am, you cannot break my confidence now. No one can. It's ingrained in me. And...
• 36:56
  whether you are starting a business, you're in the corporate America, you're, you know, a stay at home, whoever you are, like, I just want to inspire you. So if anything that I've said you resonate with and you are still struggling and I'm here for it. I tell you, our stories are so aligned. I'm the same way. You could not break me if you try. I've been through hell and back. And I can't even, I don't want to equate it to what you went through, but,
• 37:26
  in many ways that's like going through bootcamp and it makes you tougher than nails and well, I should say harder than life. So I, I, I completely understand what you're going, what you, what you've gone through. And I get it. I mean, there's nothing. I mean, I faced, if you read my book harder than life, it said, you know, on March 20th, 2020, I was like the whole, there was like a series of five things that happened on that day alone and it would have shook most people. And I,
• 37:54
  put my phone down, grabbed a cigar and went for a drive and just started formulating my plan of how I was going to attack. It wasn't at all razzle and just giggle. And I did look up at God and say, you know, you're not, you're not going to break me. You know, you know it. And I, that's probably where the heart of life was born. And it's, it might have been when I was a little kid trying to survive, but.
• 38:18
  I tell you, it's tough times don't last, tough people do. And you're a tough, tough woman. And I'm so grateful that you came on. And I'm grateful that you're in my life. I want to talk about day-to-day stuff. So when you're down and we all get down, what are some habits and rituals you can share to get happy again? Well, first and foremost, this is going to sound a little strange. It's kind of...
• 38:47
  outside the box, so speak. I'm a huge proponent of having a pity party for yourself for a specific period of time. My dad taught me a very powerful lesson. And he said, he said, you need to get those feelings out. And he's like, go have yourself a pity party. You have eight hours or 30 minutes or two at whatever it is, you know, whatever you need. But at the end of the day, so go do that, whatever it is, go watch TV, go eat ice cream, whatever you need to do.
• 39:12
  And then pull up your big girl pants and start taking action. So what does that look like for you? For me, it is that one step out of the black hole. And usually it involves giving back to somebody else. That has been a defining moment for me in so many ways. So, I mean, we were talking about me being raped and we were talking about eating disorders and body image issues. But what people don't know about me and part of my story is...
• 39:37
  I even found myself in financial ruin and I had to crawl out of that black hole and start from scratch again. And that's how I did it. I actually wrote a book during that period of time and donated all the proceeds to charity for an entire year. And it's because when you start to give back to other people, you recognize two things. One, you're not alone. And two, there's people on the world that have a lot worse off than you are.
• 40:03
  and when you can give back and you can give a piece of your heart and it grows then all of that that you were thinking about that was like your life and how sucky it is and how it's never going to change you change it because you stopped thinking about it because you actually decided whether you stuck the stick in the ground or not you made the decision that you were going to do something for somebody else which changed the mindset
• 40:30
  which changed the energy field in your body, which made you take an action. So I just had our mutual friend, Nicole Frazier on, and she said, there are further along people
• 40:46
  going through worse things than you. And that resonated with me. And then Jen Gottlieb said, she uses the acronym, HOPE. Help one person every day. And as you know, the proceeds for the harder than life, everything are going to charity. So I get it. It's so repetitive that I'm grateful and lucky that I get to interview people like you. And it's the story's the same.
• 41:16
  They hit it head on and they use daily habits and rituals and routines to exist in life and excel in life. And yet there's so many people. I mean, a lot of people say it's 99% of the people is that aren't doing this. What would you say? How do you
• 41:40
  have your program set up to be able to help? And I know you're, you're predominantly women. How do you have your program set up to work for a woman that will come to you and say that she'll talk about that? We've, we've, we've been all over the place. So tell about somebody reaches out, they hear you on this podcast and they're, Oh my goodness. I want to talk to her. I want to work with her. How do they do it? And what's, uh, what's your routine?
• 42:04
  Funny enough, I don't have a routine that I can explain to you necessarily, because my belief is I'm going to meet you where you are. Right? I don't think there's a cookie cutter model out there to work with anyone specific. Like I don't have a cookie cutter model to share with people because I don't believe that you're a cookie, right? Everyone is different. Everyone's the unique snowflake, whatever you want to call it. And they come in and they have different needs and I need to meet you where you are so we can move you where you want to go.
• 42:34
  And sometimes that's looking at the past for some women. Sometimes it's looking at the very present moment and recognizing that you can be okay right here, right now. And then defining where you wanna go and working
• 42:52
  forwards and backwards at the same time. But if you can't meet someone where they are, it's really difficult to help them. That's why I'm not a huge proponent of programs or huge proponents of like having these, this takes 12 sessions, does it?
• 43:07
  Because everyone moves at their own speed. So it's like I always have a conversation and say, here's what I think we should work on. How does that feel? And I really get to dig in and peel back the layers of where do you want to go and what's stopping you from getting there and then pulling back the layers and looking at, okay, why are you not taking action? What do we need to heal?
• 43:32
  That's different for everybody. You can't make a program that says step one is this and step two is this and step three is this. For me anyway, that's just not how I do things. Did that answer your question? It did. You are such in my heart and tugging on it right now because I have the hardest time meeting people where they are because I've been through hell.
• 44:00
  And it was for years. I mean, it's 16, 17 years of hell. So I believe everybody has a choice and you have to make a choice. It's on your website. It says that you can shift your mindset and make some changes. And when I see people not even wanting to make the change at all, I struggle.
• 44:23
  But that is a choice, right? If someone calls me, that is a choice. That's the first baby step for them. I see what you're saying. And I absolutely used to be that way where it's like, I wanted more for them that they wanted for themselves. Oh, there you go. See what I'm saying. I tell everybody this, I want you to succeed more than you want you to succeed. And people are, you can't do that. But I would, this is a little known fact. And this is, this is probably a problem.
• 44:52
  But if I could give jump into people's bodies and get and die a day earlier to help somebody else and give them my courage and my energy and my mindset, I would do it. I would do it every single day to help this world, because once you get through it, our mutual friend, Craig says, how good can you handle life? And.
• 45:19
  Life is so good once you declutter the garbage and deal with your little trauma or big trauma in your case and realize that that ego is the enemy. All the things that you just said, comment on that.
• 45:39
  Yeah, no, you're right. I, listen, one, you have to make a decision, but it has to be in their own pace. It has, you have to go at your own pace and everyone moves slower than others. And so for me, it's, and we all hit those walls, even now. And you can't sit here, like I know you do too.
• 45:56
  We all hit the next level, right? Whatever that next level is for us. And then we have to pull out the tools in our toolbox. My job when I work with anyone is to equip them with tools that they can use for a lifetime. And again, that starts with meeting them where they are. Do you know how many people have never actually been met exactly where they are without any judgment?
• 46:24
  hard. I just told you, I can't do it. I'm struggle because I don't, I have a hard time and I have all the empathy and compassion, but I learned something in, uh, I read the book and it said what true empathy was. And it, it was a mind blowing to me. True empathy is sitting with you in your shit while it makes me
• 46:49
  trigger shit and we sitting in our shit together. And I was blown because immediately I'm very good at meeting somebody there and listening and not trying to fix them. But as soon as you trigger me, I've got to fix me. There are people like me that move at a
• 47:10
  at a fast pace. Everything I do is supersonic jet speed. I want to do everything in half the time because I want to get busy helping and living. So I think that there are a lot of people that move slow and that's where we misalign right there. And you said about plateauing and getting the next level. I'm going through that right now. Full disclosure.
• 47:29
  I went through a year of massive winning, like every single thing I touched last year, I won. And now all of a sudden I can't win at anything. And it started January 1st and we are, what is it? March 10th right now.
• 47:49
  I've had two months of just getting my butt kicked all over the brain. And I just sit back and sit in my crap and I just giggle. And I know that the universe, I've got so much confidence in what has been dealt me that I know that this is a lesson.
• 48:06
  And I know, I think this, I predict massive winning as soon as the universe is done teaching me a lesson. And I use my journal. Well, you said you have a pity party. I use my journal. So it's funny how we all have our own methods, but not one of them are drinking and drugs and overworking. Every single person I have on the Harder Life podcast is,
• 48:32
  I have an exercise routine. I have a meditation or gratitude routine, or I believe in a source or higher power or God. I read, I podcast. I haven't heard anybody say, I drink my sorrows and that works. So I just have to put those in there because the second that I...
• 48:52
  I redefine my nature with the naughty water. This life got so much better. So I want to, I'm going to throw a curve ball at you here. And it's only because I think that you are the definition of class. And, and I wish the highest compliment I could ever give you is I hope my daughter turns out to be just like you. So what I would like to ask you is what, what's a classy lady look like in your eyes?
• 49:22
  Wow. Wow. Honestly, not what you would expect. That's why I asked. So I think that it's a really hard question to answer, but to articulate. So give me a second. For me, it's a woman who...
• 49:50
  walks into a room doesn't matter what she has on, it doesn't matter who she's around, that she doesn't change how she shows up for anyone. First and foremost, she doesn't need the attention because she's fulfilled in herself already. She has that belief that
• 50:16
  Existing is enough. And I don't mean that existed, I don't know what word to use, but she is enough regardless of where she is and who she's around, right? So it doesn't look like a dress. It doesn't look like an outfit. It doesn't look like a job. It doesn't look like a title. In my mind, having class is owning your own self-worth and rising to that occasion every day all the time.
• 50:45
  So it's not really a look. It's an energy that you feel. And then you can also have and recognize that, listen, you are allowed to be human. And you are allowed to go have those ebbs and flows because that makes you more relatable. But you are always going to own your worth and your confidence in any given moment and rise to the occasion, even in spite of whatever's going on.
• 51:14
  To me, that's a woman who has class.
• 51:17
  It's an energy. Boom. I love that. And I would tell you that it's, I say this to my daughter every day, validation internally. Everything starts, the self-love and the validation is internal and then vibrates out externally, not external in. And I repeat that over and over and over and over again. So I love that. It's so true. It's absolutely 100% true. If you don't love yourself from the inside out, then you really don't love yourself.
• 51:47
  Because if you're looking for answers outside of your universe, which would be you, then you need to do some internal work, hands down. And this is perfect pivot for our last question. How can we personally support you? You're offering a free discovery call. Tell me about that. How does the audience get ahold of that and what are they gonna receive?
• 52:15
  They are going to receive undivided attention to hear your story and to learn how I can support you where you are starting at.
• 52:26
  learning about your goals. It's really a discovery call as pure as as simple as that sounds. It's, I want to know about you so I can show up in my best version to help you show up in yours, essentially. And then at the end of the day, if it sounds like a good fit and you think that I could help you, we could take that conversation a little bit deeper, but it's, there's no obligation. I just love to talk to people and see if I can even help them. Even if it's with one
• 52:55
  you know looking to leave corporate america i am sitting here going i think i would do coaching with women for free all the time just because i love it it's not something that i necessarily need to make money from and nor do i need to or want to it's it's my way of giving back because i've been through a lot
• 53:15
  of a lot of different things and I've learned a lot of things along the way. And if I can help you and impact you and help you form a better relationship with yourself, help you form a better relationship with your spouse or your partner or your friends and help you find your passion, whatever that is, then I'm here for it. I am the luckiest I had, I just interviewed two of the most profound ladies. I, I, I am the luckiest man on earth. I, I,
• 53:42
  I've lost her words because I just had two of the, the, the most, I just amazing people. And I, and I love you and I want to, I don't see it in the show notes. So I'm going to add, you have a beautiful website that where you can book this call. It's at, uh, it's Kimberly Riggins.com. Yes, it is. Yeah. And you can find me on Instagram at Kimberly Riggins. And that's all in the show notes, the show notes, and then you can book right on the website and learn more about you guys. Yeah.
• 54:12
  follower she's amazing i every conversation could go on for days and days and days i just i'm so grateful i got to meet you i'm so grateful and anything i can do to personally support you you have my cell phone number if ever there's any time that i can give back and pour into your cup i told you that that's what that's my um
• 54:33
  That's my freaking true calling. So I loved having you here today. I want to remind the audience that each and every episode is sponsored by National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. And until next week, be harder than life. Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to Harder Than Life. And let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.