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S2E8 - Encouragement vs. Praise: The Key to Nurturing Self-Esteem in Your Child · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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You're listening to the
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Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
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you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
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and your relationship with your kids.
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In today's episode, we are addressing the fourth and final pillar,
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which is encouragement.
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So we've already covered, reflecting feelings, choice giving,
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limit setting actually combines the first two
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and then encouragement kind of lives as a separate entity.
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But interestingly enough,
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the effect that encouragement has on children
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influences everything that happens for the child.
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And so we're gonna talk about how that
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building of self esteem is such an important foundation for kids,
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especially with all of the other skills that you will be implementing and
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all of the skills that the child will be gaining through the process.
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So encouragement is a little bit of a stand alone, more than the other three
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yet, interestingly has an extremely powerful influence
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in the child's behavior and in the whole process of development.
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So let's start at square one. So
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the encouragement pillar
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is essentially a builder of child self esteem.
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And I want to make that very clear before we dive into more details because
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the outcome of using encouragement with a child consistently
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is that they have a better sense of self worth, of self-confidence
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of self concept
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of self identity.
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There's so much that is gained when someone encourages a child.
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And so obviously, self esteem development is a lifelong process.
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That's not something that we reach a point.
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And we say, ok, I've officially arrived, right?
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And so the more we encourage children,
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the more it allows them to really deeply understand who they are,
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what they're capable of
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and want to actually work
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by putting forth effort to accomplish things.
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So we are going to look at the difference between praise versus encouragement.
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We're going to talk about focusing on the effort rather than the outcome.
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And we're going to talk about the development of
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an internal locus of control and all of that
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is related to the encouragement pillar.
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So that's what we're diving into today.
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The path to calm, confident and in control, parenting starts now.
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All right. So if we don't start with the
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contrast between praise versus encouragement,
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the entire encouragement pillar falls apart,
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so let's begin there.
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So when we think about the terms, praise versus encouragement, often
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we will ask a question, you know,
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what is the difference or how do we differentiate praise and encouragement?
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And oftentimes we get answers along the lines of they're pretty much the same thing
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and that actually could not be further from the truth. So
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when we are thinking about praise versus encouragement.
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Do both of them
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serve the purpose of acknowledging something about the child? Yes.
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Are both of them used in an attempt to
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potentially make the child feel good about something?
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Yes, but that's about where the similarities end.
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So here's what is really a foundational premise
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upon which the encouragement pillar stands.
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Praise always includes a value judgment.
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So let's think through what children typically hear from adults in their life.
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In other words, child brings home an a on a test,
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child paints a painting in art class.
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Child scores the goal at soccer,
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child hits a home run at baseball. Child gets a student of the month award.
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You fill in the blank.
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What are the standard phrases that adults in the child's life are going to say?
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Great job. That's awesome.
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You're amazing.
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It's so beautiful.
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I'm so proud of you.
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You're so smart and the list goes on and on.
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Notice that every single one of those phrases has a value judgment in it.
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And the easiest way to think about a value judgment is that it always has an opposite.
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So in other words, if you say you're so smart, you could also say you're so stupid.
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If you say great job, you could say terrible job.
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If you say you're amazing, you could say you're underwhelming.
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If you say I love it, you could say I hate it and the list goes on. So
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I want to make it very clear that almost always what we say to children is praise
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and we don't even realize that we're doing it.
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But because there are value laden words attached to the phrases,
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it essentially becomes our opinion
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and our impression
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of
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whatever the circumstance or situation is.
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So child paints you a painting,
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a praise
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statement
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is what we think about it.
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Child brings home an A,
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it's what we think about it. Child scores a goal or hits a home run.
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It's what we think about it.
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It actually communicates a message to the child that our opinion
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is the most important thing that matters in that situation.
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So when we use praise statements, which by the way, you will
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work very hard to never use praise again.
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After this, with knowledge comes responsibility y'all.
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So once you are aware of the value laden nature of praise statements,
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it becomes really, really important to use encouragement instead.
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So rather than throwing a value laden word
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into the scenario,
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you're going to recognize that what a child really needs from you
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is an encouragement response
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which will only ever start with you.
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So when you start a sentence with you,
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it's pretty clear that the focus is on the child.
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It's not what you think, it's not what you feel, it's not your opinion,
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it's not your belief.
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If you start it with you, it's very clearly about the child
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and that right there
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just
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focusing on the child that's a very powerful builder of self esteem.
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Just noticing
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that a child did something,
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it's a very powerful builder of self esteem.
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So
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when we start with you, you'll be on the right track to encourage
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and I don't know if you've connected the dots yet.
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But let me help draw those lines for you.
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If you'll notice all of these pillars,
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there's consistency in the way that we start phrases.
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When we reflect feelings, we start with you.
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When we set limits, we start with you.
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When we give choices, we start with you.
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When we esteem build
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and encourage, we start with you.
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So that should be a really helpful cue
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that when you're interacting with your children,
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you're probably on the right track with what you're about to say.
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If the first word that comes out of your mouth is the word you.
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So
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when we're thinking about praise versus encouragement,
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we want to make sure that
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we are not using value laden words.
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And I think it's important to dive in a little deeper
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about why we don't want to use value laden words.
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When we praise a child, they actually become dependent on our validation.
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And you know,
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no one's looking so feel free to raise your hand high if you are a people pleaser.
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So all of you people pleasers out there,
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I'm raising mine halfway because I'm a reformed people pleaser.
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But
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I sure as heck was one for a really long time.
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In my life and I had to work really hard to get over that.
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And, but I was praised
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unnecessarily ad nauseam a lot when I was a child
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and that's not critical and that's not judgmental and that's not resentful.
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It just is what it is
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and what that does
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is you become dependent on other people's validation.
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You become dependent on other people's acknowledgment.
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You become dependent on other people's acceptance
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to a point where you really can't function unless someone tells you good job.
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How many kids, maybe it's your own child or maybe you know,
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a child that every time they do something,
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do you like it? Is it good?
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Is it nice?
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What do you think? Is it awesome? Are you proud of me?
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That is because they've been praised
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and it's because they believe that they only have worth
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when someone tells them that what they did was worthwhile.
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So kids become paralyzed
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by their need for acknowledgement and validation
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and
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they really have no sense of
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the investment
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in accomplishing something just because they wanted to accomplish it.
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So to
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combat
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the praise that children get everywhere.
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And I don't use absolutes unless I mean them
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children are praised everywhere by everyone. All the time.
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Teachers do it, coaches do it,
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grandparents do it, parents do it
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every adult in a child's world praises them.
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And
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in most cases it's because you don't know what you don't know.
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Most people haven't even ever considered
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that praise is different than encouragement.
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Most people have never heard of the
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Child-Centered Play Therapy approach to parenting.
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So
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it's ok that children are praised all the time because people don't know any better.
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But listening to this podcast, you will now know better.
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So the challenge is you will eliminate value
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laden words from your interactions with your kids
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and you will replace those statements with encouragement phrases instead
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and I'll show you what encouragement phrases look like in a little bit.
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But I want to share a couple of other things. First,
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the beauty of encouragement is that it can be used
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in any situation regardless of the outcome.
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So even if a child loses
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a race,
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even if a child
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does not accomplish a goal, even if a child fails a science experiment,
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even if a child
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gives up before they finish the Lego build, they were trying to work on
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encouragement can always be provided because it is about the effort
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and the contribution
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rather than the outcome.
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It's never about the end result.
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So when we understand that encouragement is always
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something you can offer
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and it is solely focused on the child's
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effort and contribution to whatever they were doing,
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it opens up the opportunity to use encouragement all the time.
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And that becomes the antidote to the praise that they hear everywhere else.
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Someone in their life has to encourage them.
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If all they ever hear is praise,
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how will they ever know what it feels like to do
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something because they want to and because it fulfills them,
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they will only ever do something to get external validation
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so that someone will tell them good job.
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And so when we realize that it's effort based,
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we can encourage a child. Even when in a standard scenario,
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we wouldn't really be able to praise them
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if a child comes in last place in a track meet.
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are you
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intending to say good job to them?
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Probably not.
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And if you did, they wouldn't receive it well,
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because they know they didn't do a good job.
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However,
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if you say
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you worked really hard and you didn't give up,
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you finished,
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those are all true
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and it's not about the outcome. So a child can receive that.
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I'm sure they're still not going to be pleased that they came in last,
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but they can at least hear the words you didn't give up.
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You kept going, you finished the race.
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Those are all important lessons
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even when the outcome isn't what we expected or hoped for.
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So that's another component.
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And then I think a final thing that is important before
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I give you some examples of what encouragement looks like.
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It's really helpful to keep in mind that
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when we encourage children rather than praise them,
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they develop an internal locus of control.
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And that's a fancy way of saying
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you
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are motivated from within.
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So I'm not looking for external validation. I'm not looking
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to be validated. I'm not looking to be told that
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someone is happy about what I did.
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I am driven from within to do something because either I want to do it
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or because I've chosen to do it or because it makes me feel good to try
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or because I am fulfilled within myself because this is something that
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I wanted to attempt.
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And
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there are lots and lots of people in this
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world that have external locus of control issues.
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So if someone does not tell me good job, I can't handle it.
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If someone does not praise me,
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I have no sense of worth
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and therefore I can't function.
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And
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you know, me,
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I don't really spend a whole lot of time worrying about ruffling feathers.
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So
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I, I hope that this isn't going to ruffle some feathers.
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But this is the inherent problem with the, everyone gets a trophy mentality
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because all we're doing is telling kids good job we're so proud of you.
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Even if you lost every game the whole season,
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even if you couldn't catch a ball one time the entire season, even if you
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threw your bat and helmet,
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every time you walked into the dugout and you had a terrible
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attitude and you refuse to do what the coach told you,
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et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
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You still get a trophy,
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ok.
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This is the inherent fundamental problem
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with praise.
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We make kids dependent on being recognized.
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At what point does the child say?
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I wanna play baseball because I love baseball.
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I wanna work really hard in practice because I wanna be better at baseball.
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I wanna show up every single day and put in the work because it means something to me.
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Even if I'm not good yet, I know that I can be good. I'm going to keep working at this.
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That is internal motivation. That is internal locus of control.
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And
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let me extend this a little further because the everyone gets a trophy mentality is,
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is difficult enough for me to swallow as a child-centered play therapist.
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But the fact that universities are creating safe rooms or
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calm down rooms, I don't even know what they're calling them.
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There's all kinds of terms that are being thrown around, but
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universities are creating these little calm down corners if you will
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in universities where students can go,
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if they get overwhelmed or students can go if,
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if they just need to give themselves a minute.
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This is what happens
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when
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a child never has to look within themselves to find
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the inner strength to do what needs to be done.
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And unfortunately, we have 18 through 22 year olds,
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maybe even sometimes upwards of 24 year olds
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that are full grown adults in college living independently
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and they have such poor coping skills
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and they have such little resilience
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and they are so dependent on other people telling them that they're doing
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a good job and that they're gonna be ok and you're gonna make it
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that they can't function without giving themselves calm down rooms.
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So
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I know that's like a big picture illustration.
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But we don't want that for our children, right.
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We want kids that are resilient and that believe in themselves and that have coping
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and that trust themselves and that build self esteem
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so that they know they can handle anything,
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guess how we get there.
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We encourage our children instead of praise them.
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So when we encourage,
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we are going to start with the word you
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and we're going to focus on their effort.
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So you're not giving up,
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you're continuing to try, you'll figure it out.
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You did it,
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you got it, you solved the problem, you worked hard,
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you kept trying until you did it. You have a plan,
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notice how
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you can say it in any circumstance
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and it has nothing to do with what you think about it.
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That's extremely important because that eliminates the value laden component,
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right?
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And so
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if a child shows you a drawing or a painting or some art project,
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I can almost
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promise that the normal reaction would be oh my gosh, I love it
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or oh my gosh, it's beautiful or oh my word. Good job. It's awesome.
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OK.
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All well intended,
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all meant to make a child feel happy.
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But instead we say, oh my gosh, you use so many colors.
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Oh and you put this here and you put that there.
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You picked seven different colors of paint in this.
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You used your fingers to make all these marks
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notice that it's not evaluative at all.
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It's just about what the child did
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when a child is struggling to work on something and
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they have not gotten the outcome that they want.
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You're continuing to try,
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you're not giving up,
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you're gonna keep going until you figure it out.
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You have a plan,
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you know what to do.
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You can handle that.
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Now all of a sudden the message the child is getting
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is
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I can do this. I'm not giving up.
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I do have a plan.
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I'm going to keep trying.
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Then if they actually accomplish something,
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you did it, you got it, you figured it out, you solved the problem. You knew what to do.
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I did solve the problem. I did know what to do.
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I did work it out. I did figure it out.
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Look at how the evaluation that takes place within the child
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becomes.
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That is true. I do feel that way.
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I did do that.
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I did all those things that someone just told me
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instead of
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mom thinks that I'm smart. Mom thinks that I did a good job.
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Dad thinks that my picture is awesome.
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My teacher thinks that
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I
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I'm the best in the class.
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Notice that that's all about other people.
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So the encouragement pillar is extremely, extremely powerful and here's the,
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the final takeaway
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self esteem is a foundational component
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for almost all change in a child.
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It's kind of a hinge pin if you will.
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So as a child feels more
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confident,
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as a child build self esteem,
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as a child starts to believe in their ability to handle things to
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problem solve that they can trust themselves that they can accept themselves,
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that they're proud of themselves,
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that changes everything about
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their interactions.
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It changes their relationships, it changes their behavior.
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They start to behave in more self enhancing ways.
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They start to try and accomplish things.
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They interact with peers differently, they interact with siblings differently.
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They have a whole different outlook on almost every situation.
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Why? Because they're happy with themselves.
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Self esteem changes the whole game
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and many, many changes in behavior can be mapped back to a change in self esteem.
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So when we encourage
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that is an esteem building
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approach
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and that is very,
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very powerful for helping our children become the children that they can be
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and becoming a happier, better version of themselves.
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So your challenge this week is to catch yourself, praising your kids.
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Because
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if you've historically praised, you will still continue to,
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but you will at least start to catch yourself.
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And as soon as you catch yourself praising,
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follow it up with an encouragement.
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So if you say good job and then you realize that was a praise,
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then you say you worked hard.
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So make sure that since your standard and your habit is to praise,
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once you hear yourself praising and you recognize it,
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follow it up with an encouragement response
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and then over time you can replace the praise with the
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encouragement and then you'll be able to stop praising altogether.
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So I hope that you find that helpful. I hope that that gives you some
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challenge and encouragement this week.
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And if you would like to sign up for my email newsletter, I'd love to have you
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get involved in that. You can go to www.playtherapyparenting.com
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and you can sign up there.
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And when you subscribe, I'll send you a video of a birth order workshop that I did.
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I love birth order.
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I'll probably end up doing a podcast episode on that at some point. But
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birth order is fantastic.
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So I'd be happy to send you that three hour workshop
22:22
that I did and how it affects your kids personalities.
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So if you want to get in touch with me,
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I'd love to hear from you brenna@thekidcounselor.com
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or you can call into the hotline
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and leave a message with a question and I
22:33
can answer your question on an episode in the future
22:36
813-812-5525. I'm so grateful for,
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to every one of you. Thanks so much for
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investing in your kids investing in your parenting.
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There's nothing more rewarding than knowing that you're doing everything you can
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to create the kind of relationship that you want with your children. So
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I deeply value you.
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I hope that this encourages you and I can't wait to talk to you again soon. Bye.
22:59
Thank you for listening
23:00
to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
23:04
for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
23:08
Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.