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Finding the Courage to Say the Hard Thing · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, thank you for taking some time out of your day to hang out here with me.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: And today I want to talk about something that I think many of us struggle with.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: I know I definitely have.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: I know that I have a lot of clients who have shared with me that they do.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it's saying the hard thing, right?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's the avoidance of saying something that seems difficult to say.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: So what am I talking about here?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Uh sometimes it's setting a boundary, sometimes it's giving honest feedback, sometimes it's owning your truth in a relationship.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it's finally saying the thing that's been sitting on your heart for just way too long.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: And it can be really difficult to face the discomfort that comes with saying those hard things.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, there's a lot of fear.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: There's uh, as I mentioned, discomfort, there's just uncomfortability with saying those things that um we don't necessarily know how the other person is going to respond or react.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: So we hold back or we try to soften it or we silence ourselves.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times um we will, we will tell ourselves that we're doing it out of kindness or uh, you know, that we're we're doing it to avoid conflict.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: So we're keeping the peace.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: But underneath that avoidance of saying the hard thing is really fear.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um it's fear of many different things.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: And I think for each of us, if we were to be honest with ourselves, we would be able to name what that fear is.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: But there's a fear of lots of different things that could happen, you know, fear of rejection, uh, fear of abandonment, just fear of anger, fear of being the recipient of somebody lashing out at us.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: But we have to be honest about why, you know, in order to get through this, we actually have to start being honest with ourselves of why it's so hard to say those things.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because most of the time, uh, it's not that we don't, we don't know what to say.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's that we just really are afraid of what will happen after we say it.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Not just for myself, but I know with my clients, they've shared the reason why they avoid saying things is because they uh they themselves are afraid of being hurt, but they're also they're really sometimes afraid of the other person being angry, or they're afraid of being misunderstood.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or they're afraid that the other person will take something to an extreme, or they're afraid of being perceived as selfish.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: And really, it's important to start asking, you know, what what that those are fears, but like what are you we really scared of?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know, what is it?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: I I you know, we can recognize all those fears, but we have to take it one level further.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: We've got to complete that thought loop and say, okay, well, and what is it that I'm scared of?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: And for a lot of us, it is scared of losing a connection or scared of that acceptance, you know, being because as as human beings, we are we are kind of programmed to be part of a tribe.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: We're programmed to be part, we are programmed to be connected to other people.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of speaking our truth, we trade it for perceived peace.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: We and when I say perceived peace, it's really temporary peace because on the surface level, there's calm, but what happens within us is an inner turmoil.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: There's this inner conflict that's occurring because we're not saying the thing that needs to be said.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: And so some of some of the time we'll start to notice that what's bubbling up inside of us with that conflict is resentment or anger is starting to bubble up.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: But we're also losing our own, our own ability to trust ourselves and our own integrity.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: And this is going to be potentially hard to hear, but avoiding the hard conversation actually doesn't protect the relationship.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: What it really does is it delays the rupture and it usually makes it worse when it finally ruptures later.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: I have worked with so many clients and have personally had experience that, you know, we will feel that we are keeping the peace when in fact what we're choosing to do is keep ourselves small.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: And what we're really choosing to do is to carry the exhaustion, the feelings of frustration, anxiety, uh, and eventually we start carrying resentment, all because we have chosen to hold on the thing, hold on to the thing that needs to be said because it feels really scary and uncomfortable.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: And so what's really happening is we're holding on to this.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: But at the end of the day, the other person that we were trying to avoid getting upset, eventually these things have to come up.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: Eventually a rupture does happen.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: So eventually the other person still may end up getting upset.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: Eventually, there's still discomfort.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: It still comes.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Eventually, the rupture still happens.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Because when something needs to be said, you know, when we suppress it, and this happens with emotions too, you can only suppress it for a certain amount of time.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Eventually, it has a way of rising.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe it doesn't come out through words, maybe it comes out through withdrawal, maybe it comes out through bitterness, maybe it comes out through burnout.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: But eventually what needs to be said is going to rise to the top because eventually it has to be addressed.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: As difficult as that is, and it's scary, and I get it, you know, um, we we want to almost keep pushing it aside.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to look at that, and if I don't look at it, I don't have to deal with it.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: But eventually it has to be addressed.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: So one of the things that I've routinely talked to to my clients about is just even understand.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Look at most of the work that I do is helping create space to understand, understand yourself on this deeper level.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: And, you know, when we are avoiding saying the hard things, it's important to give yourself some space, compassion, grace, and curiosity, and maybe just get curious about why, why would it be so difficult to say the hard thing?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: Why is it that I do this?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: But a lot of times there we can find that along the way, the reason why many of us do this is because we've learned that someone else's feelings are really important, or we've learned and internalized this message that we should be very concerned with other people's feelings.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not saying we shouldn't be, we shouldn't be these heartless individuals, but somehow along the way, it morphed into uh their feelings take precedence.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_01: And so we've trained to manage other people's emotions.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: We've we've been trained to manage and to almost set take on this responsibility, you know, like for instance, um, to not upset mom or to not disappoint dad or to not rock the boat with my friends or to not cause conflict at work, that's evidence of taking on the responsibility for somebody else's feelings.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because at the end of the day, if somebody is upset, that's really their responsibility.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: They need that's their reaction.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's important to remember you're not responsible for another person's feelings.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now, you are responsible for your words, you are responsible for your tone, you are responsible for your intention, but not their reaction.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, there's responsibility if you come in harsh and just rude and disrespectful, there's responsibility there.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're saying something with respect, you're not responsible for how that person reacts to what you just said.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: So I want you to hear that.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's really important.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: You're not responsible for how someone else receives the message that you're delivering.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: And again, I want to be very clear.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying this means that we get to be cruel, careless, disrespectful, but it does mean that you do get to say what you need to say without taking on ownership of how that person perceives it.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: One of the most loving things that you can offer if it's done with compassion and clarity, is saying the hard thing.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Which I know probably makes you feel a little uncomfortable because it almost feels like there's dissonance there.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: How can those two things go together?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: But they do because once we once we're giving the other person insight into how we're we're thinking or feeling, now we can have true connection and have a dialogue about it.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: So if you've got something hard to say, uh, what do you do?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: What's the framework that you could potentially try?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: First of all, I want to say before I give you the full framework, it's to also, you know, give yourself some compassion and grace as you do this, because it's not like you can just suddenly stop the pattern.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: So please understand that I'm saying, you know, small steps, they go a long way.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: But the very first thing before you want to say the hard thing is to, for your own self is name your intention, right?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: For yourself, get very clear what's the purpose of this conversation.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you root yourself back into your own intention, you'll come into the conversation with the other person from a grounded, a grounded way.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be grounded to yourself, you'll be grounded to the intention that you've set.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and hopefully you've also regulated yourself.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: So you're not coming from an emotionally challenged, an emotionally charged way.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then it's to uh actually go into the conversation and say the thing clearly without over-explaining.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: You know, so I'm a believer in Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I've been noticing, fill in the blank, or I've I've I've noticed or observed this, and this is how I'm feeling.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and I really, I really need to have a conversation about this.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um, you know, so it's a real, you know, it's an observation, it's a feeling, it's a need.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then you make the request of the other person.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: And the other part of the framework is letting go of the outcome.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the part that I think most of us really struggle with.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: We're so attached to saying the thing and then getting a response from the person.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it really is about speaking and then releasing.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: Once you've communicated the thing, it's about letting the other person also have some agency to digest it and to respond and really allowing them to do that as their own work.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Your job is to be clear on what it is that you're trying to say, to say it in a respectful, loving way as best as you can with clarity and with that kindness.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: And then it's about releasing, releasing your attachment to the outcome and allowing the other person to then actually meet you there.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: If this has resonated with you or you think that it might help somebody, I would love for you to share this episode with them.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, if you would like to discuss this, this idea and concept of how do you find your voice, how do you work on saying the hard things, and you want to just talk about how coaching could help you support you in that, or anything else that you feel like coaching could help you with, um, feel free to book a time with me anytime at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay welcome.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.