Latest / The Bridges and Beacons Podcast / Reclaiming Self, Power & Presence with Liz Goll Lerner

Transcript

Reclaiming Self, Power & Presence with Liz Goll Lerner · The Bridges and Beacons Podcast

• 0:38
  SPEAKER_03: Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to the Mystic Nerd Squad Podcast.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_03: I'm your host, Kelly Meyerson.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_03: Delighted to invite you to join us today for a really special conversation.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_03: I have a former guest back on the show, Liz Gold Learner.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_03: Liz was here.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: I took a look.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_03: I had to reference the podcast and find out.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_03: It was season two, episode 11, back in March of 2022, and we talked about high-stakes conversations.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_03: Liz, I'm gonna read your bio so people can learn a little bit more about you.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_03: Liz Gold Learner, coach, psychotherapist author, is an expert in communication and divorce wellness who guides individuals through the complexities of separation divorce.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_03: Leveraging her credentials in psychology, communication, and energetics, she founded Divorce, Well, and Thrive, a platform dedicated to empowering individuals to navigate divorce with resilience and optimism.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_03: Liz, welcome.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think this is such a special topic.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and I'm gonna just say at the at the outset of this, there's probably something for all of us to learn from your strategies and techniques.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_03: However, as you're listening, listener, if you have someone in mind who is experiencing divorce, separation, or maybe has already been divorced, you may want to pause, send them a little note, and send this podcast off to them because I know that Liz is an expert in this.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_03: And I know from my own experience through divorce many years ago now.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I think it's been something like 20.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not even sure.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_03: I have to look at the dates to check, but um it can be really difficult to recalibrate your life after separating from someone, and and it really does require a lot of change.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_03: Being able to thrive and heal and be well after is so vital.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_03: So just a little something at the outset.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_03: Um, Liz, I have to start with the celebration of your book, if you don't mind holding it up for everybody.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited to hold it up.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I even hold it up in front of my face.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_03: So divorce well and thrive.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the subtitle is your guide to being your best self under the worst circumstances.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: All the way through.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Soup to know.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my gosh.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: So before, during, and after we is covered in this book because it's so important to kind of set the tone for what you want to do.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, I love that so much because a lot of times I think in the process of going through the actual physical separation of spaces, of things, uh, bank accounts, I mean, it you just don't realize on a day-to-day basis how intertwined you can become with another person.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_03: And that literal separation, sometimes we go into crisis mode.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes we just stop feeling I'm speaking for myself, stop feeling and just act to get through it.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and I don't know, maybe you can weigh in on that.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_03: Is that acting as if everything is is fine and disconnecting from the emotion?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: Is that part of the journey?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: Is that a healthy part of the journey, or is there a better way?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I feel like you were saying two different things.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I just want to clarify your question.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, were you saying that um you just acted with it?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds like you had a plan when I when I listened to you, but when you asked, it sounded like you were acting without thinking, like without having a plan.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: So is that was that part of the question?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: Or it was more like executing and moving forward rather than dealing with the emotions in the moment, like tucking that piece away and getting more into the into just the the business.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: The business of it.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, actually, all of that is part of it.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I think that regardless of when we do, I'm you know, part of this book came out of my own divorce and my clinical practice and my coaching practice.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, I mean, I think that at some point we have to deal with the emotions to move on to another healthy relationship with self, another healthy relationship with another partner.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and we also need to be able to be clear-headed and logistic and strategic.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there's, I can't remember, but um, I believe uh one section of the book or a chapter in the book is called strategy is not a dirty word.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because when we I I I guess the reason I heard your question the way I did is because I think it's so important that when people all of a sudden decide, like, oh my god, this is too much, it's too bad, I don't know what to do, I'm just gonna get out and then start doing things, they are not in a good position because it's all emotion.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: So it can be all emotion or it can be all logistic.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: And what we want is a combo, right?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I really believe that um people need to or hopefully will um think it through.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the the first part of the book is called So You Think You Want to Get a Divorce.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so it kind of goes through like, okay, what have you done?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: What you know, what what has been difficult?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Have you thought this through, you know, worked it out, tried, tried different things to see if it can be okay.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you might not want to do that.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Great, but if you're not gonna do that, you go ahead, move forward, then let's be strategically wise.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to know before you do that?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Who do you need to talk to?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to know about laws in your state, you know, especially if there are children involved?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: What do you, you know, all of the things that kind of you would do your homework if you were going to a new doctor or um putting your child in school or um even going to a new exercise class, right?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like we do a little research.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: We don't just jump and go, okay, you tell me what to do, and end up maybe paying a lot of money that you don't have to pay or all kinds of things.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: So it really goes through how do you how do you have a vision for what you want to do?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that vision is not just about, you know, I want to get out of this the best I can.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's about who do I want to be?
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: How do I want this to go?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want for if there are children for my children or pets?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what how do I want to how do how do I want to feel going through this process?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And if people have a vision, they can execute it.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: It can be that way.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I think one of the reasons I wrote the book was that when people talk about divorce, the air gets sucked out of a room.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And everybody's vision or or or idea of it is that it's horrible and that um people are gonna be damaged and there's no way that like I've had clients say to me, oh, divorce can be nothing but a you know, SH you know what show.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, not really.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let's think about this.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't just because the collective holds a position on divorce that you know people have experienced doesn't mean that's the only way.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: So what I wanted to do was really change the face of divorce for our culture because it doesn't have to be damaging and it doesn't have to be horrible, and it doesn't have to be a you know, war to the death.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a reformation of a family, it can be uh, you know, thanks a lot, we gave it a shot.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um it can be done with whatever the vision is for health and positivity, not just anger and I want to win.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of thing.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a lot devoted to in the book around even language, how people um, and in my course, but how people um like alternate ways of speaking to each other, how to have that critical conversation.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: There's a in the first section of the book of the so you think you want to get a divorce part, there's a chapter called Marriage Breakers, Marriage Keepers.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it gives a bunch of and it's but it it's information for any relationship going through a process of how people actually get into trouble in their assumptions and their speaking and how to fix it.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not just, oh, here's the problem.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay, so have you ever, you know, gone on an outing and parking was a problem and um somebody was laid and now everybody's blaming, you know, or like if if you if you had just gotten in the car on time, we wouldn't have this traffic.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, no, that's not really true, but um, but then how do you how do you get behind that at the beginning?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: How do you stop that role that then comes out in something not nice?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, or divisive.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And and so there's ways to do that, the good ways.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um good ways, yeah.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: I love that so much.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_03: And I literally had chills when you were talking about having a vision.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_03: This is a story I've shared before, but be right before getting separated and starting the process of getting a divorce.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_03: And like I said, this was probably about 20 years ago.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_03: There were already challenges happening.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_03: I was married to somebody that was just having a lot of difficulties, and you know, distance gives you a lot of easier uh perception and understanding and compassion for the other person.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: And so, you know, looking back at it, I can see the challenges that he was having at that time and that really uncoupling, not being together anymore was healthier for me, healthier for him, um, because it was really putting him in a point where he had to confront some of the challenges he was having with life.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: And so one of the evenings when we were having a particular difficult time, I was just like so upset and having a panic attack, and I couldn't calm down.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_03: And I believe there was just some divine intervention.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_03: And the words that showed up in my aura were what would your life look like if it wasn't like this?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_03: And so I started envisioning what it could look like.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_03: What were some possibilities, you know?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_03: Like moving in with a friend, you know, looking for a new partner, somebody who really would resonate more with me and would be a better, you know, couple.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_03: And so I went through all of these possibilities.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_03: I thought through all of the people who were supporting me and who would be there for me.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_03: Um and so when finally we we had the conversation, um, and funny enough, he was the one who said, I want a divorce.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_03: And I and probably expected me to sort of crumble.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: And instead I said, Okay.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_03: I said, What do you want?
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_03: You know, do you want this sofa or this over?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_03: You and he was like, Whoa, we don't have to do that.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, Nope, we do.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_03: That's it's the moment.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_03: This is happening.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, and it I agree.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and I mean, and I think I'm sure this happens many times where one person is able to get more to the strategy um than the other person.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, so I was that person to kind of take all of the steps moving forward.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_03: Right, right.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and it just revealed And that's by the way, not not dealing with emotion.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like you you you had already been processing what was happening and what you needed to do.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: And by the time that, you know, that happened, you were ready.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_03: You know.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, definitely.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_03: And I mean, and I will say for for anybody who's going through this, part of my process was going through therapy.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_03: We had tried couples therapy and individual therapy, you know, for a couple of years.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and then as I was going through everything, I was working with a therapist throughout all of that.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_03: And interestingly enough, and I think this is just kind of funny, ironic, a year later I left a job that was very toxic.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_03: And it was very much like a divorce and almost in some ways more challenging because that separation um was toxic through and through until the end.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_03: Whereas the the marriage coming apart, there were there were no like attacks or like real big fights or anything.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_03: It was more inaction on his part and needing more support than I was willing to give at that point.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_03: Um, but leaving a toxic job was incredibly difficult.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I would love your viewers to go back to our other podcast because we spent a lot of time talking about that situation.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember it really well.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And and that, you know, you're right.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, when there can be a kind of processing as you go, even if it's just in your own head, because sometimes uh the other person's not going to be participating in that.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um in a man, you know, in in our topic today, it makes a huge difference to to uh how uh how you feel at each stage of it.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: And also learning.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um I feel like there's so much learning, I'm thinking back to your to our other podcast, but so much learning around knowing when to go.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Right, when something really is unhealthy for whatever reason, big unhealthy, small unhealthy, um and uh knowing that we as humans, we don't have to be in unhealthy situations to be polite or because we're supposed to, or any of the things that often show up in people's self-talk around uh the right thing to do.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: And what we do have to do, I do believe, is uh when those questions come up to really explore them and really you know uh uh understand uh if we're listening to some idea that we're supposed to do, or if uh you know something is really making a an uncomfortable and unhealthy difference in our lives.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then do what it do what it takes to do whatever needs to be done well.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so it's tricky.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's tricky, but it's definitely possible.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_03: And often, at least I can say in my experience, what's on the other side of that, abandoning that situation, right brings in better options for the future, especially with that intentionality, which is what makes me so excited about this book that you've written, because it really does help build that foundation of awareness of here are the actual steps you can take to move towards thriving and not getting stuck in the loop of the stories of what happened.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Right, right, exactly, exactly.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's also the story that um, like there's another part of the book is it's your story, don't let anybody else write it.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because what what we each do when we go through a process like this, how we speak to our friends, how we show up, if we what we say about our potentially former spouse or partner, um lets people decide, believe, assume any story they want.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's gonna be the bad story, right?
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be the collective story about divorce.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so when we show up in a particular way telling our own story and being very clear about it, then that doesn't give license to people to say, oh, you know, so and so, da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: So so what we I guess what I'm what I'm saying is how we show up in public is what people think about what's happening in our lives.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: And again, what's the vision of who you want to be?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: How you want it to be.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the person that if there's a difficult situation and somebody complains about the spouse, well, that's somebody you might need to be working with for the next 10 years if you have a child.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, we go back to kindergarten rules, right?
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: Playground rules, mind your P's and Q's, don't, don't, don't hit stuff like that, right?
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because it serves us better.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_03: I I think about that too.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, uh in my situation, it was pretty easy because it was like a clean, a clean break.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_03: I was 28, so we didn't have any kids.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_03: We had a a dog, and that was it.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_03: And my feeling was the dog goes back to the shelter we adopted it from because that's kind of the the procedure.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, and his was I'm gonna keep the dog.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_03: So we just let that play out.
• 20:44
  unknown: Yep.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_03: And so how do people then after the uncoupling has happened, once they've sort of re-established a little bit of equilibrium, they're they're in their new physical situation, fully divorced, moved on.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_03: Um how do they start to thrive then?
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: What are some good tips as they're re-embarking on engaging in the world as a single person?
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: So of course, everyone's situation is different, and the things that they have to um have in their lives are different, like if if somebody has children and and and so on.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: But um really it's so for for many people post-divorce, um, there's a lot of energy that comes back to them.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_02: Right?
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: There's been a big drain trying to to function under stress or or figuring out the the particulars and so on, or the years of of discomfort that may have existed, right?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: So with that newfound energy, it's really noticing, oh, you know, I I have I have more, I have more to me, right?
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: And um what were the things I wanted to do that I didn't get to do because somebody didn't like them, or what foods do I get to cook or eat that I didn't get to cook or eat because somebody didn't like them?
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or um what movie do I want to go see?
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's a kind of a reclaiming of the self and and knowing that actually they're free to do and be and have whatever.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: They want to, and starting to practice that.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody has children and their children are going from house to house, those days where the children are not there, that person can be taking that yoga class, that ceramics class, that, you know, going out with friends that they haven't seen, or joining groups that are support groups that help them through the process.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it depends on what somebody's needing and wanting, but recognizing that there is there are support systems out there.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: There are um ways to explore different things they've always wanted to do.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um classes where they can make new friends.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um one of the things that can happen, depending on how things have gone, is friends drop away.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be really sad.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's also very important and freeing because what was the basis of that friendship?
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: And are they really there for you?
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or, you know, sometimes married people can move away from divorced people for whatever reason.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, sometimes not.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: So it's it's really um can be lonely at times, and so finding um the people in your life who really do get you and can support you and being grateful for those wonderful relationships and looking in your even your neighborhood community.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, what uh someone who you may not have noticed who might be fun to have a walk with.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, there are lots of ways.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think that that's so helpful too.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_03: Um I think I was lucky enough to have a huge support system through the process.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_03: And um that really brought me through everything.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_03: And then the once everything was done, it felt like a lot of freedom and a lot of possibility that I had written off for myself.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and it was just really all up from there.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_03: Obviously, lots of healing over 20 years, but um and lots of opportunities to grow.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, but yeah, I I look at that and and I also think I went through a process, and I don't know if this is part of your book of recognizing um my responsibility in the situation and not just saying this is your fault, I did nothing wrong.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_03: Some there's a piece of that, of course, in the beginning, but you know, really coming to terms with um what I did or didn't do in the context of the relationship that contributed towards its not going well.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: You know, um I think the two things.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: One, who we are after, the potential, and and this sort of is a theme throughout the book, um that has to do with the vision I talk about in the beginning, is you're building toward that time frame of after.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: And creating things in the way you're doing things and who you're even in the process, who you're associating with and learning who's supporting you helps you know how you're gonna navigate once it's over, right?
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: The other part is it is never one person.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's never one person.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is a relationship, you know.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: Even a relationship with your pet, you know, who you're gonna see if you do one thing, you know, they're gonna do another.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: If that they do one thing, you're gonna do another, right?
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: So it's never one person.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: So being able to identify, like there are gonna be the things that bother people about that person, right?
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: But doing the work, really looking, is what also helps you have better relationships later.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, sometimes it's just a really bad match, but sometimes it's also things that we don't really know about ourselves or see about ourselves that no, maybe I could be a little less rigid, or maybe um, you know, um I didn't have to um, you know, be judgmental or whatever.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think we all in all of our relationships can use a little more understanding and compassion, um, including for ourselves.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think that's huge too.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_03: Um up until like, you know, two years in, things were not going the way that neither either of us envisioned.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_03: And I was just like, it's uh divorce is not even an option.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_03: Like that's not, we're gonna figure this out.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_03: And right through that journey, and definitely through, you know, going through therapy, realizing that the the all or nothing game doesn't work.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_03: There are really so many circumstances and you know ways that things were falling apart that didn't make sense for it to continue.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_03: Um yeah, so I think I think that that was a huge piece of learning that I think I have more access to after than during.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: I you know, I think you raise a really important point.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: Um because I think sometimes um that feeling of divorce is not even an option shows up for a lot of reasons.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: It shows up for because of hope.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it shows up because of religion or or belief systems, it shows up because of what what one has been taught or things they're supposed to do, or you know, ideas about marriage or what divorce means, that it's a failure, you know, all that kind of stuff.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: And it makes it really tricky for people.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so my my I guess I feel like three words go in here like my thought, my request, my invitation for people would be to really examine why that might be, you know, a sentence going through one's head.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I can't do it, it's not right.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, what will people think?
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm not able, I'll lose everything.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um the fear quotient is another part of that.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I I really want to encourage people not to get divorced if they can avoid it, and it it's healthy for them to stay in a marriage, but but if it isn't to um remember that anything is possible if you get the right information.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: If you look for it, if you if you really understand um who can support you, what the laws are, why you won't lose everything, doing an information session with um a mediator, a coach, uh a collaborative attorney.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: A collaborative divorce is a slightly different way of doing divorce where people have two, each person has a lawyer, each person has a mental health therapist, and there's a financial uh neutral.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: So there's it's sort of a team approach that's very collaborative, as it's called, and um really helps people process things in a very different way.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, and most of these info sessions are 20 minutes free.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: So just getting information to help you know where your power is or what's possible, or speaking with a therapist for a few sessions or a counselor just to kind of get things back into neutral to understand, you know, that we can engage our frontal lobe, like our emotions are not running the show, and we can take the anxiety down a little bit so our brain can actually work in that way, and you know, do some due diligence around it's sort of the question that you asked.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_00: What would my life be like if?
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: What would I need if?
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: How could it look if?
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then seeing what's pop what's actually in reality possible.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's a good exercise for people, um, no matter what they decide to do.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because then there there might be a possibility of of helping a situation that you never thought of before, right?
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or a different kind of conversation you can have with somebody.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there was a I I did a uh webinar years ago about this, and one of the examples I used was a a couple who um the one of the people was very unhappy for a very long time, but they never really said anything at all, and kind of lived through the unhappiness until it finally got to the point where um the couple ended up divorcing.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: But all the stuff that wasn't said all those years could potentially in year two or three have made a change if they went to uh had a conversation about it or went to a therapist about it or did something that either would have brought this to a close much sooner, which would have been a really good thing, or it improved it.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: All those years wasted.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like years and years wasted, and that isn't necessary.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: People have to have a little courage to figure out how to how to speak to each other if they're unhappy.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because as you said, what's on the other side, if it's not a better relationship with that person, is going to be something else that's better.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, even if it if it's hard to imagine.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're not unhappy all the time with your situation, right?
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like even that is feeling better, yeah.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, it's important to be brave.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and not always the easy step.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_03: So I want to pivot a little bit.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_03: You are teaching something called the quantum presence technique.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_03: Can you tell us a little bit about that?
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_00: So one of the um one of the things uh that runs through all of my work is the idea that we must be present in the moment.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: We must be present in the body to be able to have choice.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: So what that means is people always talk a lot about, you know, I'm I'm present, I'm gonna get present, I'm present in the moment, and it's about the um the what, right?
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: What am I focusing on?
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, what's important is the when and the where, the moment.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because you can say you're present but not be in the body, and then actually, if you're thinking about a worry about the future, like, oh, how do I have that conversation?
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_00: Your body is actually living in the discomfort of that conversation, and you have physiologically brought that stress into your life right in the second you're living it, when there's nothing happening at all.
• 37:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're not having that conversation, it's not it's not happening.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, when I think is so important because when we can be in the when, in in the moment, truly in our body, we're in neutral.
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: We're connecting in my process, we're connecting head and heart, we're connecting to the earth, we're connecting to our spot on the earth, and there's nothing going on except whatever we're experiencing right this minute.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like you and I, if we're really present with each other in our bodies, are just experiencing this moment, not our last podcast, right?
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: Just now.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: But if we were back there, we'd be feeling other things and we wouldn't actually be here.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a very simple technique.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: You want to do it?
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, please.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna do part one because there are three parts, and we can talk about them, but we're we don't have time to do them.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I'd like you to put all your attention on your feet.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, eyes open or closed.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, you want to be able to do this with your eyes open, but feel free to close your eyes.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'll close my eyes too.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_00: So put all your attention on your feet, take a nice deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: And really every thought, every feeling, every anything, just put it all the way down into your feet.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: And begin to feel the connection of your feet on the floor.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in shoes, feel the shoes and then connect to the floor.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you're barefoot, just really feel the the bottoms of your feet connecting to the floor.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: And allow all of your attention.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_00: Just go feet and put your attention on your feet.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_00: And slowly feel any change in your feet.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: They might feel gluey or connected to the floor.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that helps it's easier, sometimes if people are standing because they can feel the weight of the body.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_00: But you might feel a little tingling or a little heaviness, and if you feel any of those things, just raise your finger.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: Great.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to imagine that the floor's the earth.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you're bringing in all of the vitality and groundedness of the earth into your feet.
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_00: Really feeling that heaviness, tingling, gluiness, solidness, and let that move up into your ankles.
• 40:03
  SPEAKER_00: Up into your legs, knees, thighs.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_00: Feel your body, your thighs connected to the chair.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_00: Feel the weight of your body supported by the chair, and feel your spine supported by the back of your chair if you have a back.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_00: And feel that movement, that earth moving up through the body, all the way into the torso, down the shoulders and arms.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: The base of your spine being supported by the chair, all the way up into the head.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: Noticing the top of your head, the very central place, crown chakra, if you're aware of chakras, and let just life force move down through the middle of the top of your head, like little golden bubbles, like carbonated water all the way through the body.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_00: Breathing in through the nose, exhaling through the mouth, anything that needs to go.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: And letting that golden light, or whatever color you imagine, moving through every cell, every muscle, tendon, organ, enlivening your system.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_00: It happens every day, all the time, every minute, with that we're breathing, but we're not just intentional about it.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry about blocked spaces, it knows where to go.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: And now put your hands on your heart and breathe into your hands.
• 41:55
  SPEAKER_00: And allowing a connection of head and heart.
• 41:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you have any thoughts, let them drop down like a little elevator into your heart.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_00: Breathe into your hands, reconnecting with your feet on the floor, weight of the body in the chair.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_00: Seeing a golden light in your heart like a sun, letting that expand throughout the entire body.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then coming back to the central focus of your heart.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_00: And repeat after me.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: I am here.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_03: I am here.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: I have a right to be here.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_03: I have a right to be here.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_00: I have a right to be here fully and freely.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_03: I have a right to be here fully and freely.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: I am here.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_03: I am here.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_00: I am here in this moment.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_03: I am here in this moment.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_00: I am here.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_03: I am here.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_00: So take a nice deep breath.
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_00: And very slowly and gently, when you're ready, open your eyes to an unfocused gaze.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_00: And let me know how you're doing, how you feel.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I feel great.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_03: That was beautiful.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_03: I really love how it's very grounding, but you're bringing in the light and really sort of rooted and connected at the same time.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_03: Um, I love the way that that feels feels like you know, being more grounded into your body.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_03: Um yeah.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people report feeling way more solid.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like you can actually know that you have a body.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there's a we're I we so that took about two minutes.
• 43:59
  SPEAKER_00: Um, there's a slightly longer version of that that people can practice.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um the other pieces of this technique um deal with the past and the future, and how to actually take the things that are keep coming up into the moment from you know, worry, regret, worry of the past, whatever the thoughts are, fear of the future, and um bringing bringing us back into neutral so that we're not being run by the baggage, we're not being run by the fear, we're actually integrating, making a choice from the present moment with all of our faculties integrated.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_00: So people can um get in touch with me to learn the whole process.
• 44:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, sometimes I do a small group where people can learn it together.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_00: Um people find that once they get this really in their like I recommend doing it every morning, every night, but um in their sort of schedule of things, um they can do it, they can just be there like that.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I had someone who was worried about um going to a conference and talking to people that were, you know, more advanced than they were and things like that and would freeze.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_00: And um I had them practice this and the future one.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: And um, by the time they got to the conference, they were just able to be present, not be worried about what anybody thought, because there's so much self talk that freezes us.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_00: That is so unhelpful.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_00: And we just really need to remove it.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's not real.
• 46:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's our story.
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_00: We're creating it.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's not real.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_00: So um it's the same thing.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why physiologically be affected by something that isn't real when we don't have to?
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_03: I love that.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_03: I think this is such a great practice.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_03: And thank you for the gift of recording that with us.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_03: So uh the listener can come back and listen to that again until they feel confident about going through the process on their own.
• 46:35
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and we can put uh links in the show notes for um ways you can connect with these tools that Liz has available for you.
• 46:46
  SPEAKER_03: Um, Liz, I want to thank you so much for this conversation.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_03: I'm really celebrating you.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_03: That's it's so amazing to get the book Babies out into the world.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_03: And I know that it was a long time coming for you, um, but it sounds like you've been able to really capture so much goodness and so many tools and tips and strategies to help people going through the process.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 47:12
  SPEAKER_03: And to really move towards thriving more quickly.
• 47:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I just want to share that there is um a four-special course that people can take that kind of gives them soup to nuts, and that there's um a 30-minute free video they can access from um various points of contact for me.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_00: And um there's a um there are lots of ways that people can do this well, and the book is on Amazon.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_03: Awesome.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_03: And we'll make sure we have all that in the show notes too.
• 47:48
  SPEAKER_03: Any last pieces of advice?
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_03: If somebody is listening and this is the first that they've heard that their experience can be one where they get to thrive and it doesn't have to all be negative.
• 48:01
  SPEAKER_03: Um, and certainly they can learn to be more grounded in their body and not experiencing so much stress and distress through the experience.
• 48:09
  SPEAKER_03: Any words of advice for them?
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_03: I think a couple.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_00: One is don't be afraid.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_00: It feels scary, but you know, you can find your way, reach out to people who you who can support you, reach out for information.
• 48:29
  SPEAKER_00: Certainly feel free to reach out to me or buy the book.
• 48:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um you're not alone.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us have done it.
• 48:39
  SPEAKER_00: And we've done it well, and it can be done, and it takes going through some stuff, but it's okay.
• 48:47
  SPEAKER_00: We're all strong and um get help.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_00: Get support.
• 48:55
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think that is so important that um you may not realize until you start to look for support how much actually exists for you.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_03: Um, friends, family, um, counselors, therapists, right?
• 49:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like you said, collaborative mediators, ways to go through it and for it not to feel like a a complete battle with another person.
• 49:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 49:25
  SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you so much for having me.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, my absolute pleasure.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_03: This is such a great conversation.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for the grounding um technique.
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_03: That feels like a really great way to start the day.
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_03: Um, everything you need, listener, will be in the show notes.
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_03: And I just want to remind you if this information landed really well for you or you have someone in mind, please share this podcast.
• 49:52
  SPEAKER_03: It'll have all the links and the ways to connect with Liz, especially if you know someone who is going through a separation or divorce, or has just gone through a divorce and is looking to kind of piece their life back together.
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_03: This might be a really great uh support for them, an easy way to give them tools and strategies and tips.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_03: If you are enjoying this podcast, please like, share, comment.
• 50:18
  SPEAKER_03: I love to read your comments about how much you love the podcast.
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_03: And we look forward to seeing you on the next episode.
• 50:25
  SPEAKER_03: Bye for now.