Latest / Dits & Dahs / wishing you peace and calm
Transcript
- Sue: Since becoming a widow, I have a whole new impression of when people share condolences to one another with the passing of a loved one, whether pet or human. And I've spoken a bit about this previously about, you know, expressing your condolences is what we're trained to do. And I'm just sensitive now to that in a way that I thought a little bit about what I would have liked to have heard. Saying you're sorry or whatever from a loss is all well and good, but it's pretty, ⁓ rubber stamp in terms of mundane and repeated and considered to be a customary expression in the United States anyway. And it also has to do with how you express the loss as a survivor first and foremost. Because we're all part of that conditioning, aren't we? On both sides of it. If you are experiencing the loss of a loved one, animal or human, your only way to know to express it is going to be from what you've taken on the other side of what you've seen others do when you express it. It's not an easy thing to do because at the moment of that mourning it's grief and it's kind of be it can be shocking. I always get a chuckle when I read the obituary of someone that has died at the age of 86 and you know probably had a very robust life but that nonetheless the statement is died unexpectedly. I'm not sure but I think all of us are mortal and while I understand I'm picking it at hairs here. in terms of context. The point of how you express yourself when you lose a loved one can also determine obviously the response you get in kind. For me, and it might just be my temperament and personality quirk, I prefer to be very clear. You know, my dear husband, name, died yesterday. At age, insert age here. And our wishes are that you all send a donation or whatever the detail is going on. Keeping it simple, but not cold. It's just being as factual as possible and when you hear the news that a loved one's died, my preferred remark is to offer them great peace and calm during the time and to understand. that by celebrating the life sooner than later, try not to be too instructive about it, but to celebrate a life sooner than later will heal, help heal. Because in the end, while it is a moment that is forever indelibly marked in your life and has impacted your life immediately, in the context of the world, I think we all understand it's just another day. And that's not meant to diminish the personal significance. It's just to have a balance of when you make such statements, you're able to do so in a way that conveys compassion, love, grace, all of that which you are full of, but at the same token understanding that we're all mortal. We all have, all of our physical being are determined. We just don't know the detail of when. And I think that also lays in part in the way that we communicate such sentiments on either side, because we don't really have a discussion about death and how it impacts our lives directly and indirectly. And it's the understanding that while people will fall in traditions and rituals that are meant to be processed at the time of a human's death for some that believe so. It needn't be that way if there's any hesitation. And so I also make a point when I'm offering a condolence message is to keep it restrained but positive. And you know, it's no different than the sentiment of, you know, may the love that you felt for this individual and the impact they had on your life is a blessing. It's also an occurrence that doesn't happen on a day-to-day basis with most of us hearing the news that someone that they loved or an acquaintance's loved one has died. You're kind of, you want to be quick to respond, say that you're attentive and aware of their pain, but at the same token, you don't really dive deep into phrasing something that might actually be better than I'm so very sorry or please accept my sympathies. The other aspect about it is when you take time to formulate a statement that actually conveys personal, sincere compassion, you also set in motion the sentiment of that energy confirmation, you set into motion the energy of that sentiment so that there's much more love around your elevating things so that it allows more healing to happen. You know, four years into having lost my dog and my husband within 12 days of one another, I can only say, but I think of them every day, but not in a mournful or grieving way anymore. And where I came from, accepting everything as just another day, was the way forward. it allowed me the time that I needed to process the emotions with the understanding that while it was a significant event for me to heal from, was still just another day because the next day I still had air in my lungs and that's hope and all we all I hope for is that I have another day when you awake in the morning with air in your lungs you go yep that's hope all right it's another day and for the deceased ones well they're still in your heart they're still in your spirit they're still with you you just have to learn how to communicate with them now. And then it'll be just like another day. Confirmation by the woodpecker. It's about seeing where your balance is and maintaining it and allowing yourself the emotions to process as they should with whatever life events impact you. And that when you go forward in your life and communicate with others who may be going through a similar confirmation by the woodpecker, that you learn to express yourself in a more meaningful way. Confirmation by the woodpecker. Your words set the course of how things will go based on the energy you put behind them. It's worth composing them in your mind a bit before just setting off a quick response. It's not that you didn't care about the response. It's just the fact that you're not taking the extra time to put your energy into it, which you know is especially healing. You don't always get the notification that someone has died or a pet has died. You're in the inner circle if you do. That's a gift. It's a very intimate moment. Death, that is, and the fact that somebody has sought so much to include you in that notification is a gift. for that reason. So it deserves more than a stock answer. And it deserves more if you haven't thought about it, perhaps, the opportunity to embrace a more compassionate, warming, soulful answer. And I'm not calling people out, I'm just making the comment that we're not used to having to make these kind of considered responses because of the infrequency of receiving such news. But it's a very vulnerable time for the survivors in all shapes, you know, in all the physical, intellectual, and spiritual world, that is the extra level of compassion that you have when offering a more considered condolence message. There will be people that will overtly say, ⁓ I remember him as being XYZ, what a hoot, what a laugh, what a joy, etc. They go right into the nostalgia aspect. And that's an issue for me too, because it tells me that they really don't want to be in touch with their dark energies, those heavy emotions. Okay, I respect that. But it also means that I know that the The response that they give will be basically very visceral in its appearance. That's okay. But this is the discernment that you learn. Because now all of a sudden you're the survivor to a whole group of friends and loved ones that you've learned more about those relationships and know now how to better navigate them going forward. You're not holding grudges at all. It's just about that discernment of recognizing their condolence response. When I was working at a job where the employer died and I was the number two person in the company, at that moment. I received a lot of condolence messages and prophetically, before my boss had died, I don't know, a year or so, commented to me that his friends called him X and anybody else that called him Y. wasn't a friend. And I held on to that information, not using it, of course, until he died when it became apparently clear I had two lists of people right off the bat to whom I knew how to respond appropriately. Meaning I didn't give all of those people the same amount of energy just because they thought they were addressing the deceased one in a friendly, companion-esque kind of vibe. That was definitely not the case. And what you don't know behind the scenes, for example, of being in that relationship is what the actual dynamic you may be offering overly sweet condolence messages to a survivor who may feel more of a sense of relief for whatever reason. You wouldn't know that. You were just doing the cookie cutter response thinking that that was what's needed. When in doubt, go positive, if only to offer peace and calm during a very upsetting time. That's my vote. Whether you embrace it or not is your call. Regardless, I appreciate you taking time to listen and watch the video and I wish you all good things. you