Latest / Problematic Pub Podcast / Problematic Pub Podcast - Episode 4 ft Andrea Woollard & Tommy Smith

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Problematic Pub Podcast - Episode 4 ft Andrea Woollard & Tommy Smith · Problematic Pub Podcast

• 0:00
  Pub Podcast. What are you introducing the podcast for? Oh, she's been doing
• 0:03
  too much. She's taking over. Cheeky, cheeky.
• 0:05
  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Pro Panic Pub Podcast. It's me,
• 0:08
  Sandor Ford. And me, Soda Mania.
• 0:11
  Oh, body talk. We've got the cheekiest woman ever. We've got Angela's here, ladies and gentlemen.
• 0:20
  Here, Tom. Andrea is here. And we've got, what's her name again?
• 0:24
  Thomas Smith's here as well. Hey!
• 0:28
  Welcome. Welcome. Introduce yourselves
• 0:30
  quickly. Are you vaping or drinking water? No, I'm drinking water.
• 0:33
  First, you pissed me off drinking water in a pub, but never mind.
• 0:36
  And you were a barmaid, so... I was a barmaid. I just watched you all get pissed.
• 0:40
  What's your funniest story of being in a bar? What's happened in the pub?
• 0:45
  Well, I'm kind of into my innuendo and sometimes I don't know when to stop.
• 0:50
  Yeah. So I was pulling a pint of one of the old ales and being a bit flirty
• 0:55
  and stuff with this older guy. How old?
• 0:58
  He's about six years. He's not pacemaker age.
• 1:03
  Like, I was pulling the pint and he was like, oh, you do that well.
• 1:07
  But I just said, it's all in the wrist action and give him a wink.
• 1:11
  And he fucking gave me his phone number.
• 1:17
  It wasn't a phone number, he's so old, he can do Morse code.
• 1:20
  Five beats, two beats, one beat.
• 1:25
  That's amazing. Amazing. So, Andy, you've got Tommy Smith here as well.
• 1:28
  Hello, Tommy, okay? I'm very good. Introduce yourself.
• 1:31
  My name's Tommy Smith. Where are you from? I'm from Caerphilly. Fuck, you know.
• 1:35
  There's a Caerphilly fame is Tom Cooper, Wolf, the Bin Liner, and then Tommy Smith.
• 1:42
  Normally, when we get people on a podcast, they come to Port Talbot,
• 1:45
  like, fricking rough around you.
• 1:47
  Tommy's coming, he's like, posh as fuck. I'm going to move, yeah.
• 1:49
  Back in there. The shop haven't got barbed wire on the door.
• 1:54
  What about have you ever met Wolf then the gladiator so Cofilli it's not Wolf
• 1:59
  it's I thought it was Wolf and Cofilli no it's not Wolf the 90s gladiator does
• 2:04
  oh yeah one of them lives in Cofilli I'd love it if he was the referee if he's
• 2:07
  in the street on a Saturday night going after my first whistle you'll punch his fucking head in,
• 2:12
  he's in a rango no it's not Wolf he owns the gym he owns the gym elite gym I
• 2:17
  think it's called in Cofilli and opposite there he was a partner's range rover
• 2:20
  and he was a telephone boxer and me and when we were younger we used to ring
• 2:23
  in there so we used to ring from the telephone box over to his and say we've scratched the car.
• 2:31
  I'd love it if it was I'd love it if it was Wolf right and across the road you
• 2:37
  set up a gym and called it the free piggies gym but it was out in Wolfgarden
• 2:41
  which one is it then if you know this,
• 2:45
  we are we told this everything you ask me is there I'll show it Was it Hunter?
• 2:52
  It's the only way I know I'm out,
• 2:56
  Hawk why are you asking him he doesn't know it's your story my mind's gone blank
• 3:02
  isn't it oh dear and Tommy Cooper well Tommy they claim,
• 3:07
  Clefeli claimed Tommy Cooper but he was there until he was two years old oh
• 3:10
  really yeah yeah how he was born he was like that's like Portugal claiming Madeleine McCann.
• 3:19
  She'll later arrest you,
• 3:24
  Madeleine McCann You know, I was in all the Portugal ones, right?
• 3:29
  And looking back, it was really weird what happened, right?
• 3:31
  There was a, you know, like how your parents make friends with other British people, right?
• 3:35
  They made friends with this guy, right? And he's like, because I was ginger.
• 3:38
  He goes, oh, what do you need now? He needs an SP20, whatever it is.
• 3:42
  And he goes, yeah, I got some in the hotel room. I was like,
• 3:46
  all right. And he goes, come with me then.
• 3:47
  I went up, right, without my mum. And he's in the hotel room.
• 3:51
  And he doesn't put it in my hand. He puts it in his hand. And he's just like that, massaging me.
• 3:55
  Putting all in making me look in the mirror at the same time what's going on
• 3:58
  here and at what point did you stop him after he whacked me off,
• 4:03
  when he climaxed yeah yeah I thought it was a dangerous situation but I may
• 4:07
  as well finish like fucking hell Jesus Christ what was I old too it was last year mate,
• 4:14
  no I was about that's my boy Simon I was about 11 years old like yeah,
• 4:20
  I know I know mate worst thing I've got sunburn as well I don't know how the
• 4:24
  fuck Look, he's lying to me. It was lube.
• 4:27
  I'll come. Went down the water slide really fast after that. Ah, me.
• 4:33
  Normally, you put sun cream in the fridge. This is awful warm.
• 4:38
  Why is this pulled out of a handbook?
• 4:43
  This is an advert for the 29th of April. It's March, mate. It's March.
• 4:48
  Basically, if you want to see more of this, come to Alvin Hill's 29th of March.
• 4:52
  He's going to be fucking hammered on stage. I'll be performing. I won't be that pissed.
• 4:56
  Look, yeah, 29th of March. Come down. We've got a comedy show on,
• 4:59
  Simon's headlining, unfortunately.
• 5:01
  Unfortunately. And I'm MCing. I'm hosting because I'm amazing.
• 5:05
  And the best in the world! And the best in the world! And it's five-hour entry.
• 5:08
  Thank you. Been down, like. Yeah.
• 5:13
  Where was that When he was in Mustaf Oh yeah Where was that,
• 5:20
  Come on then Which one's that The Koro one Oh
• 5:24
  in What was that Gareth's gig
• 5:26
  Oh okay Okay Oh in the Powerhead The old Powerhead place What happened with
• 5:31
  that Oh fucking The fact that you asked Which one it was Four times Suggests
• 5:35
  that you were Fucking No but That What happened That gig That was was a tough
• 5:41
  one to be honest with you but I've done well because I'm class but that's okay I've done okay,
• 5:47
  but when I come off stage and someone gave me a fucking edible because one of
• 5:50
  them and they go I'm out of drinking I've got a weed edible things I've shot
• 5:56
  a couple of them wherever,
• 5:58
  after like nine or ten pints they go these are fucked up did nothing I'm in
• 6:04
  the car and I'm coming back and I remember I don't do em and I said and all of a sudden the fucking.
• 6:14
  And the guy was giving me a cigar giggling his head off yeah you fucking cunt
• 6:18
  right and of course again home that was getting worse and i think i had to get
• 6:22
  the car yeah i guess i'm fucked,
• 6:25
  get some house now my sister's living with me and crawl up the stairs right
• 6:30
  of all the sweats of all the sister get the fans out the attic right,
• 6:37
  get the fans I guess it I guess it I imagine all my clothes off I open my my
• 6:44
  two windows right this is in this is in January right it's minus four she's
• 6:48
  like get the fans out the attic she had she had two two fans on me right windows open
• 6:55
  I'm laying there and I'm still fucking sweating my head off.
• 6:58
  I would love it, right, if you were so fucked, you time travelled,
• 7:02
  you went to the actor to get the fans and Frank's up there like,
• 7:04
  what the fuck's going on? Who's this?
• 7:06
  I'm never laying there. God, where have you been? You're a mess.
• 7:10
  I've been doing comedy. He's like, ah, you're fucking nuts.
• 7:15
  How can you leave the house, right? Like, basically going to work.
• 7:17
  I'm like, ah, I'm going to work today.
• 7:20
  You're a sweet little love, you're going to work, I'll do the job,
• 7:22
  come back. I was really going to do bad. I go to work I come back get a van.
• 7:28
  I was in a job it's the only job it's the only job you can do it it is joke
• 7:33
  of a job you couldn't do it in any other job imagine you were caring for elderly
• 7:36
  people and you had the same fucking approach you wake up in the morning what
• 7:40
  the fuck happened you punched Dorian in the face that's what happened to me,
• 7:45
  all the best I ever get the vans in the attic that's fucking funny my room I
• 7:50
  had two vans on me the windows open and it was probably minus five because it
• 7:53
  was like January and I was still sweating my fucking they fucked me up they
• 7:56
  were mad edibles edibles I'd never them again they reckon I'm not a drinker
• 8:00
  or something I don't really do them but they gave me up like I was just acting,
• 8:03
  you're not meant to do them yeah they're like are you having a laugh mate,
• 8:08
  I can fuck you edibles the thing is really you've no idea how much is in it
• 8:12
  because I used to get my mum edibles because my mum's got Parkinson's so I went
• 8:16
  to the Isle of Wight they made a bit of a dodgy bloke down there he gave me
• 8:19
  these fucking edibles and he said give her one of those laws of the day, right?
• 8:22
  So she was having like one a day and she was loving it, right?
• 8:25
  Because the Parkinson's has
• 8:25
  calmed down. She was taking one then when she was going out for a walk.
• 8:29
  She's like, these are fucking brilliant. And then I lost the contact for the
• 8:32
  guy. So I'm like, well, I need more edibles. So I go on another guy.
• 8:36
  They weren't cut up, right? They were like just in one jelly blob like that.
• 8:40
  But fucking in the middle. Yeah, so I cut them up with scissors,
• 8:42
  right? I fucking gave her one of those.
• 8:44
  The next day, she goes, I'm never doing that again. I could see two of the dog.
• 8:52
  Completely fucked up. Changed her life, mate. She married Howard Marks.
• 8:57
  The last thing with Ed was that kind of thing you're not used to something yeah
• 9:02
  they did a new thing not a new thing but it's a big thing Ed be doing now yeah yeah,
• 9:06
  fucking crazy I like my LSD this is an advert for Stone Circle Comedy Club probably
• 9:12
  shouldn't have started by saying this is an advert looks massively unprofessional
• 9:14
  but Stone Circle Comedy Club is it though,
• 9:18
  I'll tell you where it is Sandro it's in the garage music venue in Uplands which
• 9:24
  is under the White Snooker Hall it happens every second Sunday always a top
• 9:28
  professional line-up we don't mess around which is why Sandro's never given
• 9:31
  me on the fucking bill come down go to www.stonecirclecomedy.co.uk,
• 9:38
  get out of my pub so um going back to you,
• 9:42
  right mate why are you all fucking tense what do I look tense yeah yeah so any
• 9:48
  gigs you want to plug in girls and boys again I'm off are you running are you
• 9:52
  going to Glasgow in the morning I do the three nights of the comedy Are you
• 9:55
  leaving tomorrow morning are you?
• 9:56
  Tomorrow morning six o'clock Fucking hell mate I'm done Edinburgh I'm done Glasgow Glasgow good?
• 10:02
  Glasgow's better It's not the festival Alright don't be no Edinburgh of you
• 10:05
  Alright fucking hell You big bollocks Glasgow's better He's just got a tonne more than you.
• 10:15
  The festival's better Obviously the Edinburgh festival's better but Glasgow
• 10:19
  itself is better than Edinburgh Oh yeah I wouldn't have been to Glasgow,
• 10:22
  once I'd been there and I tell you what I like it's rough and red you know it's
• 10:27
  not it's just it's poor tarpon,
• 10:30
  nothing to fill in it you know no with Glasgow though it's that kind of it's
• 10:36
  real mate I tell you what I find in Glasgow,
• 10:38
  I find Scottish people funny anyway but I had a Glaswegian in work right and
• 10:43
  he dropped off some cars right yeah and he's just a lazy funny he's up to me
• 10:48
  where do you get that fucking stomach he's like ripping into me I'm like what are you doing crowd work
• 10:53
  he's a lonely driver and I'm like laughing,
• 10:56
  Glaswegians are like funny fucking yeah and they are fucking and if you're going
• 11:00
  to have a good show up there maybe you'll laugh you're fucking funny yeah yeah
• 11:03
  I agree but no but if you're going to have a good show up there you're going
• 11:08
  to have a good show right there with Edinburgh festival it's so commercialised and so like.
• 11:14
  Middle-class couples wearing matching ring jackets all that but in Glasgow they
• 11:19
  sniff it cork and talk about it.
• 11:21
  Isn't it mad though like the difference between that because in Edinburgh
• 11:24
  let's be honest if you're a working-class comedian you're at a massive disadvantage
• 11:27
  like it's this it's a middle-class festival
• 11:30
  now like yeah well I got you one up there you are
• 11:32
  I got you one didn't I yeah yeah yeah fucking hell
• 11:36
  mate do you know what he did to me I fucking he said I'll come out of Edinburgh
• 11:39
  for a few days so I hadn't slept the night before went up to meet and we start
• 11:42
  drinking straight away and all of a sudden I'm thinking I've made a mistake
• 11:44
  because I can't go home so he goes home do you know what I mean he'd be that
• 11:47
  bored like travelling he gets to end by like 8 in the morning I was like I'll
• 11:51
  meet you in the spoons blah blah meet him there have breakfast
• 11:54
  order him breakfast he looks at me he's like ah should we get a pint fuck it
• 11:58
  we started drinking then,
• 11:59
  yeah I mean asleep we've been drinking all night like ah going to gigs just
• 12:02
  doing gigs fucking pissed per normal.
• 12:05
  I'm in I'm in one of the comedy bars
• 12:07
  the comedians and he's literally like ah I'm
• 12:10
  not people like you and he's like I gotta go
• 12:13
  to sleep I was like one more you said that
• 12:16
  eight times one more eight times yeah he's the guy you said that about eight
• 12:21
  times I wanna go fuck in the bed and I'd taken a high strength Ritalin right
• 12:24
  to try and keep me awake I did two gigs he comes up to me after the second one
• 12:29
  he goes are you alright now I was like what do you mean he goes you looked off
• 12:31
  your fucking chunk on stage I'm like fucking tell me at the first one,
• 12:35
  don't let me do another one I was on stage gurning and shit like,
• 12:39
  mad mad like what's the roughest thing you've seen in Caerphilly my ex-missus.
• 12:46
  We are not cutting that out you saw
• 12:50
  her she echoed on stage remember that oh my
• 12:53
  god you were there as well remember in Bedworth she didn't shut up all night
• 12:57
  and in the end you I've got him who the fuck she got up on stage my ex-missus
• 13:03
  she's nuts but I remember mate you put her down a few times during your set
• 13:07
  and in the end you just went shut the fuck up like yeah I can just feel myself get angry yeah yeah,
• 13:13
  that's a mad thing why did she do that I don't know why she came to me it was like,
• 13:18
  20 years ago maybe yeah it was really like that's bizarre isn't it it is but
• 13:21
  she messaged she did message me for about a good six months after that which
• 13:26
  was fucking great but she messaged me a couple of weeks and said have you got
• 13:29
  any gigs coming up and I said no,
• 13:32
  no absolutely fucking not I make the show better I tell you what it was mate
• 13:37
  she saw you doing comedy and she thought oh he might be on TV soon I'll go and
• 13:42
  see how good he is and I'll try and get back to him she saw you sir she thought I'm good,
• 13:46
  and she's waited six months to see if you got better again and all she wanted
• 13:50
  she thought he's doing well let's go fucking no I remember I remember she shouted
• 13:54
  out in the show I shan't do many other yeah yeah I lost my hair when I was over,
• 14:01
  I pulled it out,
• 14:04
  that fucking strap on she was using Do you remember that gig, the MC...
• 14:13
  Someone on he brought someone on with a radio mic and fucked off with it and then,
• 14:19
  someone's on stage like where's the mic and he's gone it was Tommy's dad it
• 14:24
  was his old man it was his old man he was big time he's on stage and he's gone
• 14:28
  with the mic and he's gone where
• 14:28
  is he he's in the back room and he's he's sway blind he didn't have it,
• 14:33
  I didn't take it he's probably fucking ate it,
• 14:37
  edit is this a fucking oh not edit fuck off is this a crispy creme,
• 14:45
  that's funny man yeah that whole show that whole show was fucking funny I remember.
• 14:51
  You got ripped off as well do you remember you messaged me in the night and
• 14:54
  said you bought a drink then you took a hundred quid yeah,
• 14:58
  no I bought one round then I went home and checked my bank and they'd taken
• 15:02
  nearly a hundred quid yeah I got it back oh did you really yeah I basically,
• 15:07
  messaged his ex-missus she sort it out where's his fucking money.
• 15:12
  It was a nice venue though I meant venue Yeah Let's do our new round Ready?
• 15:20
  Alright, yeah So it's the theme tune for that Ready? Go on Who's got the fittest nan?
• 15:27
  Who's got the fittest gran? Ask me what's my plan What's your plan mate?
• 15:33
  To find your nan a man Welcome to the new round of Prolomani Pub Podcast Who's got the fittest nan?
• 15:40
  Right, the rules The rules are, it's nice and simple.
• 15:43
  We're all going to show pictures of our nans one by one, and we're going to
• 15:46
  work out who's got the fittest nan, who's got more chance of dating at the sweeties, whatever they're at.
• 15:51
  Right, so I'm going to go first. This is my nan. The picture's not very good.
• 15:54
  We can probably put the pictures on the screen. That's my nan there.
• 15:57
  Good old Sheila, nearly 100 years old.
• 16:00
  Still going. She looks it. Yeah, yeah, still a goer. Go on. This is my nan. Jeez.
• 16:07
  She's proper Italian, isn't she? Jeez. Jesus Christ, mate. That's your mother
• 16:10
  Yeah I can almost smell the pasta Like a mama used to How old is she?
• 16:16
  I know 80 80 Mate She looks incredible That's an old picture then No it's not
• 16:21
  That's not an 80 My sister showed that to me earlier Jesus Christ I would I've
• 16:25
  already decided Does she live in Port Talbot?
• 16:29
  Fuck off. Stay away from my nan, you fucking creep. Well, the problem is I felt bad.
• 16:36
  I said to you and I, I feel bad leaving one nan out. Yeah, yeah.
• 16:40
  So I brought two nans. Oh, you think I'm older than you again, Nanfleet?
• 16:49
  What a glamorous nan that is.
• 16:57
  Yeah, yeah, that's a good looking nan. That's a pro- oh, was she there?
• 17:00
  I think that's where I come from.
• 17:02
  I thought your nan was bald.
• 17:05
  Just down below.
• 17:08
  I thought she died in 89, so. Oh, yeah.
• 17:14
  I had the photo. She died in what, 89? She didn't die in 89.
• 17:18
  I thought she died in the 69.
• 17:21
  I did, with my other nana.
• 17:26
  Nana stood together Nana Fanny,
• 17:34
  Like a nanny Nanny Fanny like Yeah And that's me over now Also dead,
• 17:40
  That's more of a classic nan That's a classic nan innit That is She's on tour
• 17:44
  That's my Cofilli This is my Cofilli nan It's my English nan Yeah But if I'd
• 17:49
  seen them together I'd assume she was her carer Do you know what I mean,
• 17:52
  It's a good nan Right There we are That's a good entry Andrea Good entry I beat
• 17:57
  all of you I'll call him Get her Get her Nana.
• 18:05
  A bit of a coffee Nana's got a little box on her,
• 18:12
  Nana's box is amazing Is she passed away is she?
• 18:17
  That's amazing That's funny I'll be honest I've gone back for a girl for the
• 18:21
  one night stand in a smaller fucking space than that.
• 18:26
  Preview. Oh, class. Right, well, let's discuss.
• 18:30
  So, your nan, your nan's fucked, so. My nan, is, my nan survived a world war.
• 18:38
  What did yours do? Cook a fucking carbonara.
• 18:42
  She invented the carbonara. Yeah. So, she's 97 this year and she's still sharp
• 18:49
  upstairs but her body's gone so she's probably, she's probably got kinky ideas
• 18:54
  but she can't do anything. Oh my God. I'll do the work.
• 18:59
  You won't have to lift You won't have to lift a finger I'll treat you well I'll
• 19:03
  take you to Wolf's Gym And go Fairly And I'll put you on The fucking Stepinator,
• 19:08
  I can't get up I can't get up the stairs I'll put you in Wolf's Gym On the On the Stepinator,
• 19:15
  You're going to be Whacked off Whacked off by a nan And the arthritis Kicks
• 19:19
  head You're going to be Let go I'm going to be Let go I'm going to be For the
• 19:24
  hospital Like Can I come in? What's happened?
• 19:29
  There's an advert for the 29th of April. It's March, mate.
• 19:34
  Basically, if you want to see more of this, come to Alvin Hill's 29th of March.
• 19:38
  He's going to be fucking hammered on stage. I'll be performing. I won't be that pissed.
• 19:42
  Look, yeah, 29th of March. Come down. We've got a comedy show on,
• 19:46
  Simon's headlining, unfortunately.
• 19:47
  Unfortunately. And I'm MCing. I'm hosting. It's amazing.
• 19:51
  Best of the world! And the best of the world! And it's five-hour entry. Thank you.
• 19:56
  Ander, you grew up in Swansea, eh? Yeah, I did, yeah. Have you ever left Swansea?
• 20:00
  Yeah, I worked in Disney.
• 20:03
  Hey, Lavanda! She never has a long career. She goes, I work in Disney.
• 20:07
  Really? Yeah. Couple of months.
• 20:09
  She'll chuck it in. How long was you there for? Only about four months.
• 20:12
  Which one? Paris. Oh, nice. Okay.
• 20:15
  In France, yeah? Oh, I was lucky. No, I was lucky. I worked in Festival Disney.
• 20:20
  So I was, my uniform was a lumberjack shirt and 501. So I was fucking lucky.
• 20:27
  So how did you get that job? That's a fucking weird. They were recruiting in
• 20:30
  Wales. Why? I don't know.
• 20:34
  Scandinavia and Wales at that time. So you had to apply for the job, obviously.
• 20:39
  £500 deposit as well for the rent.
• 20:43
  Jesus. That's fucking crazy. So they come into Wales. So isn't that a mad thing?
• 20:48
  Look, Scandinavia are very organised people, very serious.
• 20:52
  When we go to Wales... Yeah, yeah.
• 20:56
  It's Mickey Mouse's snort line of cat. What's happening, Ben?
• 21:00
  What's happening, fucking DJ?
• 21:02
  Oh, I know where you're from, Ben. Oh, yeah, you know what? You've a move for you.
• 21:07
  I know your man, man. Look at the kids again. Oh, my God. Oh,
• 21:11
  my God. I fucking know you. I fucking smashed you in.
• 21:14
  And we've got the Scandinavians. Welcome.
• 21:18
  Yeah, look at our fucking daft cunts, Scandinavians. Look at our bollocks. Look at them move, man.
• 21:25
  I'd love a Welsh Mickey Mouse.
• 21:29
  It's a good story I'm going to track this So basically I come to Wales Was you unemployed at the time?
• 21:35
  Yes I was No job At the job centre No one would go to a job Any jobs Gwyn?
• 21:41
  Yeah we got AD cleaners Nightshifts We got Morrison on the tills Disneyland,
• 21:50
  Or McDonald's Can you Can you just say Disneyland Yeah Recruiting in Wales You fancy it?
• 21:58
  I don't know what you mean,
• 22:01
  500 quid and you're with the Scandinavians. Yeah. Are you Mickey or are you fucking Donald?
• 22:07
  Yeah, and you're like, what? They're going to pay me 500 quid.
• 22:09
  No, you pay them 500 quid.
• 22:13
  Well, I ain't got no money. Yeah, you know how, and you're fucking jobless.
• 22:18
  No, they're not you. No, they're not you. Jobless. Oh, they're not you.
• 22:23
  I've got five and a pound of porter, yeah. Your money's cancelled.
• 22:29
  There we are God, my knee We put new old fucking knee bed No,
• 22:34
  you can't There is no Disney job It's a stitch up,
• 22:40
  So you went there Disney job, Veeraboo Yes, I did And you went out and played
• 22:45
  for her I worked behind the bar out there so I was lucky I had So what year was this?
• 22:51
  98, I think Oh, it was Planet Hollywood opening Oh, okay I went to see I did
• 22:56
  see Arnie but I didn't get out of bed till Whoopi Goldberg I can't be fucked,
• 23:03
  you got a big cock I'm coming up for you Whoopi not a big fan,
• 23:09
  don't like fucking don't like nuns I'd love it if that's how they now measure
• 23:13
  Hollywood celebrities did Andrea get out of bed for them that's your level of
• 23:17
  fame of course that was the last time they ever employed those people.
• 23:22
  Fucking hell Andrea comes she was kicking off about her nan and then she called
• 23:26
  Arnie Squartig at a ride there and she fucked off home on a bicycle,
• 23:31
  that's a mad so you go out there you go out there then you went and they give
• 23:35
  you accommodation and stuff do you meet any people,
• 23:38
  we had to pay 300 quid a month for the accommodation that's cheap and 200 pound
• 23:42
  for insurance so we had like 300 quid last test of the month oh the money what I know,
• 23:49
  so yeah you could have stayed in your house at the job centre for 300 quid a
• 23:53
  month or go to Paris I'll have a tour in about a month and put up with Americans. Hey, man.
• 23:59
  How's it going? This is Paris. It's amazing. Have you heard of...
• 24:03
  Was it Da Vinci? Is he part of it? Yeah. What? Yeah, I think so. I don't know.
• 24:08
  It's Da Vinci. Is Da Vinci part of it? No, he's Italian. You should know.
• 24:12
  But the Seventh Chapel, where's that?
• 24:15
  The Seventh Chapel? They're painting the Seventh... Oh, no, that's Michelangelo.
• 24:19
  Never mind. Fucking hell.
• 24:21
  We're in Italy. Yeah, yeah. So you're out there. And then what happened?
• 24:25
  You was fucked it off to do?
• 24:26
  Yeah, I had a contract for four months. So I just come back after my contract
• 24:30
  then. Did you want to stay?
• 24:31
  No, not really. It was shit, was it? It was shit. It was shit.
• 24:34
  But I got... I did have quite a few good experiences.
• 24:38
  Yeah. I sang with a band a couple of times. Amazing. Yeah. I was out at that
• 24:41
  time. And then the boys worked in...
• 24:44
  The sports bar opposite me, the Irish boys, they organised my birthday celebration.
• 24:48
  Yeah. I'm still drunk coming home like four days later. I was in,
• 24:52
  I was in Amparis in the late 90s.
• 24:54
  I'm going to phone my old man now and see if it was 98. Was it 98?
• 24:57
  I don't, it was Planet Hollywood opening.
• 25:00
  I remember because we had, we were the only ones to have a phone.
• 25:04
  Yeah, yeah. In the apartments because they put four of you in the apartment
• 25:07
  and we had a phone installed and it was one number away from the Planet Hollywood.
• 25:12
  Would when did he go to Disneyland Paris years ago what was it the 90s or the
• 25:18
  2000s fucking good content this mate Jesus Christ.
• 25:22
  This is an advert for Stone Circle Comedy
• 25:26
  Club probably shouldn't have started by saying this is an advert looks massively unprofessional
• 25:29
  but Stone Circle Comedy Club is it though
• 25:32
  I'll tell you where it is Sandro it's in the garage music venue in Uplands which
• 25:39
  is under the White Snooker Hall it happens every second Sunday always a top
• 25:43
  professional line-up we don't mess around which is why Sandals never give me
• 25:45
  on the fucking bill come down go to www.stonecirclecomedy.co.uk,
• 25:52
  get out of my pub,
• 25:54
  yes that's mad that's mad though the I was five yeah so,
• 26:01
  I was five when I was in Disneyland the makes of 98 and Andrew was there as
• 26:06
  well I was there and my old man's going do you remember we were at that bar
• 26:09
  and there was a bird getting shot by five Irish men,
• 26:15
  I was like that traumatised me she was wearing lumberjack shit.
• 26:21
  Only fucking long she was chopping down her ears,
• 26:25
  do you know do you know what I love the idea of being a barmaid in Disney where
• 26:30
  all the characters come in after have a pint after their shift by the door like ah spike it spike it,
• 26:37
  Yeah, yeah. No, but I like the idea of Pluto getting so hammered.
• 26:41
  He's got his cock in a bar, but it's a proper dog stick, you know,
• 26:43
  like a lipstick. Ah! Who wants to put it on?
• 26:46
  One of the characters, they took, fucking Mickey took his head off. Yeah. In Sight Park.
• 26:53
  And just before he went through the door, and the kids saw him,
• 26:57
  and obviously they were opposite characters, so Mickey was a girl,
• 27:01
  and he took his head off. I'm fucking sacked.
• 27:04
  Jesus Christ. Where would you all go for post drinks after the shows?
• 27:09
  There was like the sports bar and where I... Do you stay on the campus then?
• 27:15
  Yeah, it was... That sounds fun as fuck. Yeah. It does sound fun.
• 27:19
  And at the end, in the end month, I moved out. I moved out of my flat.
• 27:23
  I moved upstairs so I could have the extra 300 quid rent.
• 27:26
  Yeah. So it was great. I had Italians making me coffee every morning.
• 27:30
  Amazing. Do you know what? You know like character costumes,
• 27:34
  right? So I worked in a play centre for years.
• 27:36
  I mean, all these character costumes. Now, I used to be Spider-Man, right?
• 27:40
  There was this one day when I couldn't go in, right? So the owner of the place,
• 27:44
  who was just like a proper dry businessman, he's like, I'm going to have to
• 27:48
  be Spider-Man, right? He puts the costume on. It doesn't fit properly.
• 27:51
  He can't get his gloves on, right? He hasn't took his fucking Rolex off, right?
• 27:55
  So these kids come in. They go, it's Spider-Man. And he comes out and he goes, happy birthday, ledge.
• 28:02
  But then when he's sitting down and they're singing happy birthday he goes that
• 28:06
  guy goes oh they're fucking boiling just took his mask off yeah turned to this
• 28:11
  kid and he's like alright boss I'll be a few years goes in the pub look at a
• 28:15
  fucking good few beers tanked up phone goes now,
• 28:18
  it's my mother my niece I should actually be in the party because my niece is
• 28:23
  partying but I wasn't oh it's a party where everyone got their um what was the
• 28:27
  big fucking Disney character the big N like their uh Goofy?
• 28:32
  No, no, no No, he was a lion He was Big lion thing What, from Lion King? Oh Scar?
• 28:39
  No, he was like Beast, the beast Oh, Beauty and the Beast Right.
• 28:45
  He was not a fucking lion He was a lion You never go to Bristol Zoo And see
• 28:51
  one of those Pants there,
• 28:52
  mate Never Well, anyway So, Motherfuckers You buy them in like pairs So,
• 28:58
  it was frozen and the Beast so my mother-in-law she's gone,
• 29:03
  she's all about like he's a person the Beast's got Covid but,
• 29:08
  the Frozen whatever what's the Frozen woman's name Elsa Elsa can still make
• 29:13
  it but the Beast can't make it Covid but she brought the costume we'll have
• 29:15
  to come down and do it I was like I'm out of fucking eight pints she's like you'll have to come down,
• 29:20
  This is an advert for the 29th of April. It's March, mate. It's March.
• 29:25
  Basically, if you want to see more of this, come to Alvarez. 29th of March.
• 29:29
  He's going to be fucking hammered on stage. I'll be performing. I won't be that pissed.
• 29:33
  Look, yeah, 29th of March. Come down. We've got a comedy show on,
• 29:36
  Simon's Headlining, unfortunately.
• 29:38
  Unfortunately. And I'm MCing. I'm hosting because I'm amazing.
• 29:42
  Best of the world! I'm the best of the world! And it's five-part entry.
• 29:45
  Thank you. We've got another round.
• 29:47
  Oh, yeah. I'm looking forward to this one. This is a new round again I don't
• 29:53
  know what this is This is a new round again Called the Embarrassing situation,
• 29:58
  Emoji round You want an emoji? Get out of here.
• 30:07
  Basically the idea is You both brought your Embarrassing situations in In emoji
• 30:12
  form It's our Well it's all of our jobs To try and work out What it was Your
• 30:17
  most embarrassing situation was so Tommy you want to go first,
• 30:22
  Jesus Christ fucking fucking it's a fucking essay no it's like it's two together
• 30:28
  yeah yeah what are them two hospital and what is it,
• 30:35
  come on you're fucked already you can't even guess what it is it's an hotel
• 30:38
  hotel hotel yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah,
• 30:42
  yeah yeah yeah yeah like L for beast,
• 30:50
  and what's next did he forget his clothes and he's done something on the left
• 30:55
  have I ever told you this fucking story no.
• 31:01
  I'm telling you what's going on what the fuck I it's a track it's a way,
• 31:06
  so go through them all so you've got hotel it was at night yeah so you've got
• 31:12
  read them out you've got hotel so the hotel yeah and there's night time next
• 31:16
  to it And then it's a drunk face with a beer next to it.
• 31:20
  Okay, okay. So what was, yeah. Okay, carry on, carry on.
• 31:23
  That's either the emoji for getting drunk or it's how Sandor signs his name off in it.
• 31:28
  And then the next one you got, so it's just a hand. Yeah, so it's like a wave
• 31:32
  which is almost goodbye.
• 31:33
  Yeah. And that'd be like a gig, yeah? Yeah, okay. Okay, so he's finishing the gig.
• 31:38
  It was after the gig. It was at a hotel at night. Yeah. And I was sleeping.
• 31:41
  You were sleeping, yeah. Anywhere I die, he's on ketamine.
• 31:47
  I like my job yeah so then I I woke up obviously yeah then cross through the
• 31:57
  bed so you can't get into bed so it wasn't,
• 32:00
  You're not in bed? When I woke up, I was not in my bed, room You were in someone else's room?
• 32:06
  I was not, I was just in the hallway For like three weeks And then you got cross
• 32:12
  trousers, top and pants You got no clothes on Yeah You're completely naked Yeah And is that Berlin?
• 32:20
  You've looked down at your own Berlin, isn't it? It's not there I'm naked,
• 32:24
  I'm in the hallway Yeah, yeah It was shut, right?
• 32:27
  I can't get back in the room, my butt's naked Yeah So I had to go down to the
• 32:31
  reception with no clothes on.
• 32:35
  And pray for the key. Ask for the key, yeah. Fucking hell.
• 32:40
  What happened in reception when you went down?
• 32:43
  Fucking ass small, innit? It was a big reception.
• 32:48
  They come down and take a look at your cock and go, why did you ask for the
• 32:51
  king-size bed? It's no need, mate. I got to do, there's a key. It covers the cock.
• 32:58
  There's a card.
• 33:00
  Where was this? Well, it was in Plymouth. I headlined in Plymouth on the 9th
• 33:05
  of September. Fuck it, they must be desperate.
• 33:10
  Fuck it, where's this old bike? You want to know about it?
• 33:14
  No. Go on, Andrew. But anyway, I'm joking. You're fucking better.
• 33:18
  No, but I fucking... Do you mind? Because I was in a different room and I had
• 33:22
  a drink and I didn't know where I was. So obviously I went into the toilet.
• 33:24
  Yeah, yeah. And as I come around, I was stood in the hallway.
• 33:28
  You thought doing the... No but as I come around I sort of woke up In the hallway
• 33:31
  And as I looked The door went Just shut Oh you're fucked then So I stood And
• 33:36
  the first thing That came to my head Was the Mr Bean scene When he's in the
• 33:39
  hotel Naked right Yeah yeah So I went Instead of going down the stairs I walked
• 33:43
  up the hallway The other way So I was pissed And this was in my head To look for something To hide my,
• 33:48
  Right He came back with a leaf,
• 33:51
  Of a small Of a small Japanese plant They're gone A fucking cornflake Ha ha
• 33:57
  ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
• 34:00
  ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
• 34:00
  ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
• 34:00
  ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
• 34:01
  ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
• 34:01
  ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha!
• 34:03
  Yeah so then I had to hook back in I had to go back up the hallway Did you say
• 34:09
  you didn't remember your own room?
• 34:10
  No I was on my own There was two flights up Yeah So I basically had to Fucking
• 34:14
  two of them Was it a nice hotel or a shit hole?
• 34:16
  It was a big fucking posh hotel They had swim pools They had gyms They had all
• 34:19
  that I had to go down to Fucking down Two flights of stairs Until it was set.
• 34:25
  I was like Fucking going down It was one of them days I felt Do you know when
• 34:30
  you feel fat Than when you normally do You feel like you're fucking Yeah Yeah,
• 34:32
  yeah, yeah. I look awful.
• 34:34
  I'm something. I look pasty. And you just gutted the fat as I'm going to do cock.
• 34:40
  He walks in. Here's my bolt. He goes, I'm a young kid. Aliens are real.
• 34:47
  He went to the mix, get aliens. But he's got a whale shark and he's teleporting.
• 34:52
  I go down the bottom of the stairs and there's a wall in and I know he's around
• 34:56
  the corner and there's a reception. So I was like, hello. Hello.
• 34:59
  And he came around the corner and he's like, what the fuck? I said I
• 35:03
  lost my key and he
• 35:06
  said what room are you and I was booked under the people who
• 35:09
  fucking booked the hotel so he gave my name
• 35:13
  he said there is no one in 207 and I was like oh fuck I said I promise I need
• 35:17
  to get back to my fucking room so he found the key and he fucking come up I
• 35:23
  had to wait upstairs anyway in the morning I was going down the stairs I fucking
• 35:27
  I got up at 7 you know the key thing or normally they've got the key right I
• 35:31
  can go and identify some stuff in the room.
• 35:32
  They go, is there a greasy strap on it?
• 35:39
  Is there lube and shit everywhere? It's your room.
• 35:44
  I would have loved it if he went down. He'd go, what room are you in?
• 35:46
  He goes, I'm in 207. He goes, there's nobody in 207. He goes, what's the name?
• 35:50
  Tommy Smith. He looks back, he goes, Tommy Smith been dead for 15 years.
• 35:55
  You can go to a hotel. And then you slowly just disappear.
• 36:01
  The worst thing was so in the morning I went down and I thought just put the
• 36:05
  fucking card key the card key on the reception get out there I just went down
• 36:10
  he was still there and he was a really good looking girl as well behind the
• 36:13
  counter so I thought just do it so as I fucking went down I put a key on and
• 36:16
  I started to walk away he went what room was you but and I went,
• 36:20
  206 and I fucking got up there,
• 36:25
  there he is naked man nobody had that problem I would be the biggest cantabler
• 36:30
  I'm like ah I go down all embarrassed there he is naked man,
• 36:36
  on the TV do you know what I would have done right if it was a really feck you'll
• 36:39
  be in reception what I would have done he'd go what room were you in I would
• 36:42
  have gone hang on give me a second I would have knocked everyone's room measured their cocks,
• 36:45
  from the biggest cock in there come back no 302.
• 36:52
  It is that kind of thing though like with um,
• 36:55
  when that happens is like right at the time because when you're drugged you
• 36:59
  don't really care yeah it's almost in the morning the morning drive home because
• 37:03
  I drive home from fucking Plymouth,
• 37:05
  I do I fucking it didn't happen it's so and this was on Saturday and I thought
• 37:09
  because he was booked in the promoter's name not the promoter's give me the
• 37:12
  hotel give me the hotel I've got to see his TV it'd be hilarious I know and
• 37:16
  then I was fucking because it was Saturday I thought I was thinking,
• 37:19
  they're not going to be able to get hold of the promoter until at least Monday
• 37:22
  so I fucking all Saturday all Sunday fucking worried yeah and then Monday came
• 37:26
  and I haven't done nothing said again.
• 37:29
  I haven't done nothing January 1st I go alright if I'm booking a gig and I put
• 37:35
  him at a hotel and the hotel rang me and said you guest he come down naked I
• 37:40
  book again and I be laughing like this fuck is a big cunt I go alright he come back down I find that,
• 37:49
  that's why I'm a bit fucking mental something like that I find funny do you
• 37:53
  know I remember we went up to shit where do we go man we met Ig up there and we had a piss up oh,
• 37:59
  I can't remember where it was it was like a posh fucking town
• 38:02
  yeah yeah so basically we were going up for a gig we were going to drive back
• 38:05
  Ig's on the bill as well so he's like oh stay up boys we'll have a piss up so
• 38:08
  I have a piss up and I get up in the morning eating my breakfast and I'm like
• 38:12
  a fucking rough Ig comes in he goes were you hammered last night I said mate
• 38:15
  I said all I remember is getting up in the middle of the night and pissing in
• 38:19
  the sink and Sandro goes there's a fucking there's a toilet in a fucking room you can't,
• 38:26
  I don't know why I got pissed in the sink like because you wake up in a motel
• 38:30
  and pissed and you don't know your surroundings yeah so I went straight to the
• 38:33
  motel I don't know where I thought I was going I don't know where I thought
• 38:37
  I was going I'm going on a naked adventure.
• 38:40
  It's a good job it's a good job you woke up when you did mate imagine in the
• 38:43
  morning you walk past the reception guy goes there's the guy that pissed in my mouth last night,
• 38:49
  then that gig we done that one it was like it was a posh like Like,
• 38:53
  it was a good fucking, it was a while away.
• 38:56
  And we're down in a courthouse. A courthouse, yeah, an actual courthouse.
• 38:59
  It was a 16th century courthouse, right? It was all still there. It was a museum now.
• 39:05
  Before they get going, right? So they basically, where all the spectators have
• 39:08
  been, the courthouse was like that.
• 39:10
  And then the judge, and you come up through the convict. Yeah,
• 39:15
  the accused box. The accused box, right?
• 39:17
  So what happened, right? They all got to be right, and you're on next, right? Or something.
• 39:21
  This guy now, I know his eyebrows are fucking, his eyebrows are big grey,
• 39:26
  they're like Pab West's fucking language Yeah, yeah, he didn't need both, he couldn't see the skin.
• 39:31
  He's got all volunteers in this fucking museum, they're going, follow me down, right?
• 39:38
  And he's like, I'll take a little tour before we go on stage,
• 39:41
  I'm like, oh, okay So I'm like, this is the most haunted place in wherever it
• 39:45
  is, I was like, oh, cool He said, the man died in that cell,
• 39:49
  they called him the knocker, right?
• 39:50
  And you can hear him knocking in the night. I'm like, oh, is it?
• 39:54
  So I go, I'll sound. And I call Ash anyway. I'm like, oh, yeah, sound, sound.
• 39:57
  So he gives us a tour now, right? I'm a guest now. He said, right, this is a wooden stairs.
• 40:01
  I said, what? And now they call your name now and you walk through the stairs
• 40:03
  and you come up then to the box and you go on to the stage.
• 40:07
  She goes, right, wait for your note. And he just fucks off, right?
• 40:10
  So I am downstairs in this court downstairs and I'm a fuck.
• 40:14
  He's like, he's upstairs. He goes, like, I don't know all this shit.
• 40:16
  And I'm like, it's upstairs. downstairs.
• 40:19
  Who fucking wants to in? Honestly, I am fucking shitting in now, right?
• 40:25
  I'm just downstairs now in this cold house. I'm like, fucking do the set, bring me on!
• 40:31
  All I can do is like, is that me knocking? Am I knocking or is it the knocker?
• 40:36
  What the fuck? Bring me on! Bring me on!
• 40:38
  And everything's so quick on stage in my life I ran up... During my 20 minute
• 40:43
  set I saw him pop his head up four four times to see if I finish. Yes, yes.
• 40:46
  I was like, I was like a fat me a cat.
• 40:55
  Andrea, what's yours? Right. What the fuck now? We've got. Okay. So devil. Yeah.
• 41:03
  Naughty. Yeah. Naughty. Yeah.
• 41:06
  Just leave it there. No, no. Naughty. Naughty.
• 41:10
  Hang on. So we've got. 118. Yeah. So are we going the business?
• 41:15
  We've got a devil, we've got the, what's that big film called?
• 41:19
  I've guessed it, I've guessed it. So you had...
• 41:22
  An evil vegan who was under 18 that couldn't decide which end of the egg.
• 41:26
  We were sick onto you whilst you were crying and your evil man came in and didn't
• 41:30
  know what the fuck was going on and chucked you in a roller coaster.
• 41:32
  We have got an audio list as well. It's going to explain what we're on.
• 41:36
  Well, no, it's going to be on the screen.
• 41:37
  If you're listening on Spotify we can't. Ah, that's true, yeah.
• 41:41
  So we've got a devil face, naughty, aubergine, under 18 cross,
• 41:46
  men woman thing. What's that one they called?
• 41:49
  Man and woman thingy. Being sick, crying, don't know don't know what's going
• 41:53
  on on a rollercoaster the fuck's a rollercoaster so you climax you climax for the devil basically,
• 42:00
  and he was under 18 what do you think about what do you think it is is it oh
• 42:04
  no under 18 so why have you put that in I'm a dirty bit but I'm not putting
• 42:10
  that me not under 18 I don't know what it is but looking at it it could be one
• 42:15
  of the weekends I've had in Blackpool alright.
• 42:20
  So what's the devil face for naughtiness yeah over jeans for a cock obviously
• 42:25
  over 18 the bloke signs for the bloke the woman signs for the woman you've been
• 42:30
  sick were you sick on his willy okay he was sick on your vagina and,
• 42:36
  what was he sick on your vagina.
• 42:40
  And why have we become so polite was he sick on your men gendry was he sick
• 42:46
  on your box on that box your nan's did he fill your Danarogo cave up,
• 42:52
  and you were confused that he'd been sick on the box and then you went to Auckland Towers,
• 42:59
  on a dirty weekend but it was a good ride but you had a good ride yeah right
• 43:04
  so at first yeah actually that's it yeah so she was sick I don't know she's
• 43:09
  got a man and woman so was it,
• 43:13
  that's nice that's nice,
• 43:17
  missionary position done good night thank you So who was sick?
• 43:22
  That's the idea of a dirty weekend.
• 43:25
  He felt sick. Yeah.
• 43:29
  Are you sure you want to tell the story? Is that a fish? Is that a fish?
• 43:35
  So were you already shagging when he said he felt sick? Yes.
• 43:39
  I didn't think I was that bad.
• 43:44
  We all know listening to my sex life is a fucking disaster.
• 43:49
  Yeah, yeah. but obviously the sickness was it from the three the motion of it,
• 43:57
  The smell or the looks.
• 44:02
  It was the motion of it. The motion. She's not the Demisys.
• 44:10
  You going on a ride with Andrea. She drops down from the floor.
• 44:16
  Fucking hell. She was rocking me back and forth. And she's a comedian.
• 44:20
  She was telling me, knock, knock, Joe.
• 44:22
  Knock, knock. Who's there? You're a minj.
• 44:27
  After the shag, you get a cheering. It shouldn't be self-righteous.
• 44:33
  Someone's spoon up.
• 44:37
  What's the roll of course? A new donut. Tell a story.
• 44:46
  We were in, you know. So where do we meet this gentleman first on?
• 44:52
  The gypsy say, don't bother. I want the biggest cocked man in here I'll fight
• 44:58
  I'll shag any man you won't shag to me my brother I'll get you no man born from
• 45:04
  his bottle of canardiness this pussy,
• 45:06
  is the most dangerous pussy in the south of Swansea I don't care who you are
• 45:12
  McDonagh McDoer I don't care I'll take you on a ride I'll take you on a ride
• 45:20
  oh dear so So is it on her website, Angela? What website was it?
• 45:26
  Favswingers. Favswingers, great, yeah. A couple of years, quite a few years. Nice.
• 45:30
  And then he said he felt sick. Yeah. I want to know the whole story.
• 45:35
  She met him on the website of the castle. Where did you meet up?
• 45:37
  In my house. It was stupid.
• 45:39
  So you said to him, come over, come over down here. Come over in the caravan
• 45:42
  and get your rockin' and knockin'.
• 45:45
  Come over your house, Eva. So it was a good-looking guy, big guy, young guy.
• 45:50
  How old is he? alright fucking hell he was over 18 he had the cost of a 5 year
• 45:57
  old it was 10 years ago it was like just after 18 years of missionary,
• 46:04
  he's over 18 he's over 18 now he was 8 back then.
• 46:10
  I remember you in your school years you were an amazing man you were a fighting
• 46:16
  man you fought my vagina like fucking Tommy Cooper Uber in Caffili with Wolfman and Tommy.
• 46:23
  Classic example of a joke going too far there, where you thought the puncher
• 46:27
  would be strong and just run out of steam.
• 46:31
  Where was that going? I tried going like that. I'm gonna bring it back with
• 46:35
  these hands. Yeah, I was like, you're proud of it.
• 46:41
  We came to your house. Yeah, and we...
• 46:44
  To it nice and I'm on top and said he felt sick and starts crying,
• 46:54
  this is probably the one of the worst ones one of them like a kid on a school
• 46:59
  trip he missed his mother I think I reminded him of his mother that's the problem,
• 47:09
  why was his mum shagging him.
• 47:14
  He was I know I said He was crying No that song Tears from Heaven It was the
• 47:20
  worst country Tears from Heaven,
• 47:23
  Who did Who played any man Why am I going back there Fucking,
• 47:27
  So he started He started Just got up And left And just fucking Went Wow And
• 47:35
  I was just You know Mid right Yeah mid right Jesus Christ And then
• 47:40
  And then, so obviously I hadn't spoken to him for a couple of days.
• 47:45
  And then he texts me then, asking me, could you have another call?
• 47:50
  I'll do better this time. That's like a kid that's scared of a roller coaster.
• 47:57
  They've gone on a ride, been sick, cried, go, I've got to give it another go,
• 48:01
  I can do it this time. You tell me once, never going to do me twice.
• 48:05
  That was my reply. That was my, I'm not a fucking roller coaster, mate.
• 48:11
  So did he go no no was he like was he crying go move it off me please,
• 48:18
  oh did he fucking but Andrew imagine that was your thing though because I know
• 48:21
  some people get turned on by people crying imagine that was your thing he's
• 48:24
  crying and upset he goes get off me he goes no I'm going I'm going yeah.
• 48:32
  No. Oh, my God. It was the most uncomfortable wank ever, so...
• 48:39
  I hope... Oh, my God, she's here. Look out, you're lean.
• 48:43
  But to be fair, if you start, you may as well fucking finish it. Oh, that's funny.
• 48:49
  Was he from Swansea? I think so. I think I tried to block it out,
• 48:53
  but I thought, fuck it. Jack, open the door. This is your life.
• 48:58
  It's Brian, man. There's a lot more.
• 49:04
  Imagine that was his thing though Imagine every time he had sex He cried And
• 49:08
  all his girlfriends say What was he like in bed? He goes Well he definitely got me wet,
• 49:13
  That's some fucking mental stuff Oh like a memorial fountain Like fucking hell,
• 49:19
  So was he drunk Emmersey?
• 49:21
  No I was sober Wow I didn't do much with my confidence Let me put it like that
• 49:25
  I went to hell about three years after that Oh really?
• 49:28
  Fucking nice Fucking hell it fucking proper fucked you up yeah I was thinking
• 49:33
  fuck no it's alright I can do without I can get myself off fucking good lovely
• 49:38
  I will thank you for coming on the problematic people podcast,
• 49:43
  you always get it wrong at this point yeah problematic pub podcast yeah we're
• 49:49
  going to thank our guests Tommy Smith and Andrew Woodard and Angela Angela alright thank you bye.