Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Give Feedback That Actually Lands
Transcript
- Lucas: So you've been a manager for three months. You meet one-on-one with your team every week. But there's this one engineer — let's call her Priya — who is brilliant, produces great code, but in every team meeting she goes on tangents. She hijacks the agenda, and you can see the rest of the team checking out. Luna: Classic new-manager dilemma. You don't want to squash her enthusiasm, but the meetings are suffering. So what do you do? Lucas: The instinct is to say something like, 'Priya, could you please stay on topic in meetings?' But that's vague. It doesn't tell her what she's actually doing or what she should do instead. So she nods, and next week she does the same thing. Luna: Right, because the feedback isn't specific enough. So what's the better approach? Lucas: There's a framework called SBI — Situation, Behavior, Impact. It's been around for decades, used by Google, Microsoft, a lot of orgs. The idea is you describe the specific situation, the observable behavior, and the impact it had. That's it. No judgment, no interpretation. Luna: So for Priya, what would that sound like? Lucas: You'd say something like: 'In yesterday's sprint review, when we were discussing the Q3 roadmap, you spent about seven minutes talking about a dependency in a completely different service. I noticed several team members stopped taking notes and started looking at their phones. I think that tangents like that make it harder for the team to stay focused and for us to cover our agenda.' Luna: That is so much more specific. You're not saying she's a bad person or that she's annoying. You're describing exactly what happened and the effect. Lucas: Exactly. And then you follow up with a request. 'Going forward, could you save those topics for our one-on-one, or add them to the parking lot? That way we keep the meeting on track.' Luna: And the key is the behavior has to be observable. You can't say 'you seemed disengaged' or 'your tone was disrespectful.' That's interpretation. Lucas: Right. Observable means something a video camera could capture. 'You interrupted three times.' 'You didn't speak during the first twenty minutes.' 'You rolled your eyes.' Those are behaviors. 'You were rude' is not. Luna: Let me push back a little. Doesn't this sound scripted? If I'm a new manager and I pull out this SBI format, won't it feel like I'm reading from a manual? Lucas: It can feel that way at first. That's why you practice it internally until it becomes natural. But honestly, most direct reports prefer a slightly structured delivery over vague criticism. They know exactly what to work on. Luna: Okay, fair. But what about the impact part? Sometimes the impact isn't obvious to the manager. Like, what if Priya's tangents actually led to a useful insight? Lucas: Then you say that too. You can say, 'The point about the dependency was valid, but the timing derailed the flow.' Impact can be mixed. The framework doesn't force you to be negative. Luna: So it works for positive feedback too? Lucas: Absolutely. 'During the client call on Tuesday, when you summarized the technical requirements in plain language, the client said they finally understood the scope. That helped move the deal forward.' That's SBI. And it's way more effective than 'good job.' Luna: Yeah, 'good job' is almost meaningless. You don't know what to repeat. Lucas: Exactly. So SBI gives the person a recipe for success. Repeat the situation, do the same behavior, expect the same impact. Luna: Let's talk about the timing. When do you actually deliver SBI feedback? Do you wait for the one-on-one? Lucas: Ideally, as close to the event as possible. Same day if you can. But don't interrupt a meeting to give it. Pull them aside after, or send a Slack message saying, 'Hey, I noticed something in today's standup. Can we talk for five minutes before you leave?' Luna: And if it's negative, you want it private. Public praise, private criticism. Lucas: One hundred percent. Never call someone out in front of the team. It destroys trust. Luna: So let's say you've delivered the SBI feedback to Priya. How do you follow up? Lucas: You check in a week later. 'Hey, how are the meetings feeling? I noticed you put that dependency in the parking lot yesterday — that seemed to work well.' Reinforce the change. Luna: And if it doesn't change? Lucas: Then you escalate. You restate the SBI, say it's becoming a pattern, and ask what's getting in the way. Maybe she doesn't realize how long she's talking. Maybe she needs a signal from you. You problem-solve together. Luna: I think the hardest part for new managers is just starting the conversation. They're afraid of damaging the relationship. Lucas: Yeah, and that's understandable. But avoiding feedback actually damages the relationship more. If you let small issues fester, they become big resentments. Six months later, you're having a much harder conversation. Luna: So SBI is really a tool for preserving the relationship while addressing the behavior. Lucas: Exactly. You're not attacking the person. You're talking about a specific action and its effect. That's all. It's data, not judgment. Luna: It reminds me of something I read about feedback culture at Bridgewater. They have this concept of 'radical transparency' where everyone constantly gives feedback. But that can be overwhelming. Lucas: Right. SBI is a more moderate, structured version. You don't need to give feedback on everything. Pick the behaviors that matter most for team performance and individual growth. Luna: So how often should a new manager be giving formal SBI feedback? Once a week? Once a month? Lucas: I'd say aim for at least one positive SBI observation per person per week, and one constructive one every couple of weeks. It doesn't have to be a big deal. A two-minute conversation. Luna: And if we've helped you think through these kinds of career conversations, you might consider supporting the show. A couple of dollars a month genuinely keeps these episodes ad-free and independent. Lucas: Yeah, it's buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. If you've gotten something out of the episodes, even a small contribution goes a long way. Luna: Alright, back to it. What's the biggest mistake new managers make when trying to use SBI? Lucas: They skip the situation. They say, 'You did X and it had Y impact.' But without the context, the person might not even remember what you're talking about. Always anchor it in time and place. Luna: So, 'In yesterday's standup' not 'You always interrupt.' Lucas: Right. 'Always' and 'never' trigger defensiveness. Specificity triggers reflection. Luna: One more thing — what if you're the new manager and you're getting feedback from your own boss? Should you use SBI on them? Lucas: You can, but frame it as a request. 'In our last one-on-one, when you said my report was too long, I wasn't sure what you wanted shortened. Could we talk about your specific concerns?' That's SBI in reverse. Luna: It models the behavior you want to see. Lucas: Exactly. And it's a great way to build a culture of feedback from the bottom up. Luna: Alright, so the takeaway: Situation, Behavior, Impact. Practice it until it's natural. Start with positive feedback to build trust. And don't wait too long. Lucas: One more thing — write it down before you deliver it. A quick note on your phone or in your notebook. That way you don't forget the specifics. Luna: Good advice. I might start using that myself. Lucas: It works for managers and non-managers alike. Next time we'll talk about how to handle it when the feedback conversation gets emotional. Luna: Looking forward to it.