Latest / Inside The Vault with Ash Cash / ITV #187: She Survived Emotional Abuse — And Turned Her Pain Into Power 💔 | Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Transcript

ITV #187: She Survived Emotional Abuse — And Turned Her Pain Into Power 💔 | Domestic Violence Awareness Month · Inside The Vault with Ash Cash

0:00
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, I heard your story, it hurt my heart.
0:06
[SPEAKER_01]: If they're not in a domestic violence relationship, someone's not talking about it, because it's one in three.
0:12
[SPEAKER_04]: So one and three women are in a domestic violence relationship.
0:15
[SPEAKER_01]: He wanted to be idolized, not just to love him, to idolize him, above everything else.
0:23
[SPEAKER_05]: And then you found out that he was cheating, not what a woman.
0:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, with both.
0:30
[SPEAKER_05]: How long your parents have been married?
0:32
[SPEAKER_01]: 48 years.
0:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, it was almost like he was impatient, but it was an impatient, it was control.
0:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Disguises impatient.
0:39
[SPEAKER_01]: The smile almost becomes your mask.
0:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Am I happy?
0:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Am I sad?
0:44
[SPEAKER_01]: You won't know because I'm just have a smile on my face.
0:47
[SPEAKER_05]: My daughter, the moment she was born, I bought a shotgun.
0:51
[SPEAKER_05]: And I'm serious.
0:52
[SPEAKER_05]: How did your relationship with money change after, you know, surviving abuse?
1:00
[SPEAKER_05]: dramatically.
1:21
[SPEAKER_05]: to six, four, six, six, six, eight, seven, four, one, five, two.
1:24
[SPEAKER_05]: That is my personal number.
1:26
[SPEAKER_05]: I have been an author for over 12 years, I've written 10 books, four of them have been best sellers, and I've sold over 100,000 books, but I've also helped a lot of my clients, take their expertise and put it into a story, then create multiple streams of income from that.
1:41
[SPEAKER_05]: So I wanna help you do the same thing.
1:43
[SPEAKER_05]: So text my book to six, four, six, six, eight, seven, four, one, five, two.
1:48
[SPEAKER_05]: I, let's go back to the video.
2:06
[SPEAKER_05]: So welcome to another awesome episode of Inside the Vault with Ashcash.
2:10
[SPEAKER_05]: The greatest money mindset show on the planet.
2:14
[SPEAKER_05]: Listen, y'all, this is not just another episode.
2:17
[SPEAKER_05]: This is a life-saving conversation that could change the way you see love, control, and power, and your money.
2:26
[SPEAKER_05]: Today's guest is a powerhouse, a survivor, a CEO, and a woman.
2:31
[SPEAKER_05]: who turned her pain into purpose after surviving years of emotional and psychological abuse.
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[SPEAKER_05]: Six years after walking away from a controlling and abusive relationship, she rebuilt herself from the inside out.
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[SPEAKER_05]: Today, she's an independent life insurance broker, founder of new Todd Consulting LLC, an president and co-founder of Ignite Herk Ink, a nonprofit organization helping women
3:01
[SPEAKER_05]: and thrive.
3:03
[SPEAKER_05]: She's also pursuing self-defense certification through Gracie's Jiu Jitsu Largo to train women in the woman empowered program.
3:12
[SPEAKER_05]: She's a voice in a room at major domestic violence prevention conferences and task force and now she's the author of the groundbreaking new book behind the smile, the unseen signs of emotional abuse,
3:28
[SPEAKER_05]: This conversation is about healing, it's about protecting yourself and your loved ones and it's about reclaiming your mind, your power and your finances, tap in, you don't wanna miss this.
3:40
[SPEAKER_05]: Welcome to Inside the Vault.
3:43
[SPEAKER_05]: Miss Tiffany, new and how are you?
3:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
3:45
[SPEAKER_05]: Thank you so much.
3:48
[SPEAKER_05]: I thought this interview is very important.
3:52
[SPEAKER_05]: because, you know, as somebody who grew up, so I grew up in a single parent home, my mom raised three of us.
4:02
[SPEAKER_05]: My dad was like in and out of the house, I've seen some versions of what domestic violence looks like.
4:12
[SPEAKER_05]: you know, whether it's verbal, physical, at an early age and that sort of made me into like a protector, right?
4:21
[SPEAKER_05]: Like that's the one thing.
4:23
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm on my business on most things, but the domestic violence, like men putting their hands on, like it's just,
4:31
[SPEAKER_05]: and something in my soul doesn't allow me to be in that energy and that's the only thing I won't mind my business on and and and children you like pedophile stuff as well but
4:44
[SPEAKER_05]: So I've always had this natural version to domestic violence and you know for the most part, again, I've been to protect there, I have sisters, you know, I have nieces, I have a daughter, and so I'm really, you know, protective, like I'm really, you know, side-eye.
5:03
[SPEAKER_05]: Well, I heard your story, it hurt my heart
5:14
[SPEAKER_05]: that women go through this, right?
5:18
[SPEAKER_05]: And not just, you know, in your situation, but even reading your stories, there's so many other women that go through this, there's a lot, you know?
5:29
[SPEAKER_05]: And so I thought this was important because, and then you know, you'd all let you explain, but I know you mentioned that 99% of, you know, people who are in domestic violence, situations, it's financial.
5:43
[SPEAKER_05]: And so I wanted to bring you on first, definitely want to talk about the book behind a smile, because, again, this is a unique thing, because not only like this book is, you know, sharing your story, but it's not necessarily for the person being abused, it's for the loved one.
6:03
[SPEAKER_05]: Yep.
6:04
[SPEAKER_05]: And so before we get into all of that, in your words, who is Tiffany Newton?
6:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, first and foremost, I'm a child of God, I'm a dog mom.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a sister, a daughter, a best friend to many people.
6:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and just a lover of helping women put themselves in a better spot.
6:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
6:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Because that's so important.
6:35
[SPEAKER_01]: You think you have to rely on somebody.
6:37
[SPEAKER_01]: It's nice to rely on somebody, but you don't have to.
6:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's where knowing on the financial side of it, right?
6:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Is knowing how to put yourself in a good financial spot, the retirement planning, the growth of income, the all of that stuff.
6:53
[SPEAKER_01]: That's why my insurance business is so important.
6:57
[SPEAKER_01]: But the other side of it is, how do you keep yourself protected?
7:02
[SPEAKER_01]: in any relationship and what should you know prior to those types of things and having loved ones, like you and I have this conversation of what would you and your wife want to talk to your daughter about to make her aware for feature relationships.
7:18
[SPEAKER_01]: She's so young, so she's got plenty of time,
7:25
[SPEAKER_01]: if they're not in a domestic violence relationship, someone's not talking about it because it's one in three.
7:32
[SPEAKER_05]: So one and three women are in a domestic violence relationship.
7:35
[SPEAKER_05]: Cause like, like my daughter, the moment she was born, I bought a shotgun.
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[SPEAKER_05]: and I'm serious.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I love it.
7:42
[SPEAKER_05]: And I've had that conversation with her over and over again.
7:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
7:47
[SPEAKER_05]: And I said, whoever you date, let the know yet, your dad is not all there.
7:51
[SPEAKER_01]: He's cleaning his gun.
7:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
7:53
[SPEAKER_05]: He's not all there.
7:55
[SPEAKER_05]: But I do know most relationships are stuck in the domestic violence space because of financial abuse.
8:04
[SPEAKER_05]: And you know, it might be somebody watching right now that's like, oh, it could never be me.
8:10
[SPEAKER_05]: For you, how did that show up in your relationship?
8:14
[SPEAKER_01]: The financial side of it, he became very jealous that I actually had retirement.
8:21
[SPEAKER_01]: So he tried to figure out how he could get me to empty it.
8:25
[SPEAKER_02]: Wow.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And he got half of it.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So he owes me a lot of money, but he had me sign a gift form.
8:35
[SPEAKER_01]: So after that was signed and submitted to the mortgage company, it was good luck getting that back.
8:41
[SPEAKER_01]: So he manipulated that whole situation.
8:45
[SPEAKER_01]: So again, in those types of relationships, they see what you have that you're happy solid, right?
8:53
[SPEAKER_01]: You're financially sound financially solid and they want that and they're going to do what they can to drain it.
8:59
[SPEAKER_05]: How does one get into a?
9:03
[SPEAKER_05]: relationship with someone who is, you know, a domestic, you know, someone that would do a manipulator.
9:11
[SPEAKER_05]: Let's just call them that.
9:15
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, again, one in three.
9:17
[SPEAKER_05]: So is that, does that mean that that's just what it is?
9:22
[SPEAKER_05]: That's just how people are.
9:24
[SPEAKER_05]: Are there, does it
9:27
[SPEAKER_05]: want to happening, like, like walk me through, um, you know, what is it about relationships that allow people, like, like, this, that one in three is, is a significant, it's a huge percentage, like how does someone get into that type, that type of relationship?
9:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I...
9:50
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll base this off of my situation because I think every situation is quite different.
9:54
[SPEAKER_01]: I had a relationship in 2015.
9:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I was heartbroken.
9:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And I really liked that guy and I know he really liked me, but like
10:03
[SPEAKER_01]: We just parted ways and it was just one of those like down moments when, you know, we talk about frequency and vibration of our own energies, my, my vibration was down low and I was getting ready to go on an amazing my dream trip to Sydney, Australia on New Year's was my dream trip, I met my abuser.
10:27
[SPEAKER_01]: probably two weeks before I left for that trip at the dog park.
10:31
[SPEAKER_01]: We started talking dogs, we started talking lifting weights and eating healthy and our lifestyles were very, very similar.
10:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I went back to my condo and I'm like, who is this guy?
10:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Where did he come from?
10:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, why haven't I never, why haven't I never seen this guy before?
10:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Never saw him at the gym, never saw him at the dog park?
10:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Nothing, never saw him out.
10:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Come back from my trip, I'm on a high.
10:59
[SPEAKER_01]: I went on the best trip on my life, had an amazing time.
11:03
[SPEAKER_01]: We ran into each other at the dog park again, random.
11:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And he asked for my number then.
11:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think my empathetic side
11:17
[SPEAKER_01]: was coming through, right?
11:18
[SPEAKER_01]: The energy, the vibration, the listening.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You can tell someone if someone's empathetic or not, or feels things a little deeper than someone else does.
11:31
[SPEAKER_01]: And he was noticing these things and would,
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[SPEAKER_01]: put out requests, let's go to dinner.
11:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And when we would go to dinner, it's why aren't you down here?
11:43
[SPEAKER_01]: It was like getting me to react to little things.
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[SPEAKER_05]: Immediately, how long?
11:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it was almost like he was impatient, but it wasn't impatient, it was control.
11:53
[SPEAKER_01]: disguises in patients because they're I mean we're all in patient at some point.
11:57
[SPEAKER_01]: We're all like come on.
11:58
[SPEAKER_05]: Let's go But how how how much into the relationship like you know like why you were dating was that?
12:05
[SPEAKER_05]: What like did he did he have these controlling behaviors early on or did it happen like later?
12:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't I didn't notice them as controlling.
12:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I noticed them as man.
12:15
[SPEAKER_01]: He's just impatient.
12:17
[SPEAKER_02]: Got it.
12:17
[SPEAKER_01]: So again, like I like the I ignored some of those red flags because I just seeing the good and people.
12:25
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
12:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I just thought, oh, he's impatient.
12:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Come down.
12:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I'll be down there in a second.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And it's not like I was asking him to wait for like 20 minutes.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Two minutes.
12:33
[SPEAKER_01]: So I get the elevator to go downstairs.
12:35
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
12:35
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
12:35
[SPEAKER_01]: But just some of those little things and him noticing if
12:41
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I was meeting with my accountant, well, why do you need an accountant, you know, all of these like little things that he was taking notes on to be able to use against me later.
12:50
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
12:51
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So he was putting together his war book, basically.
12:53
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
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[SPEAKER_05]: And then what what was what was it that didn't allow you to see the reflects early on.
13:03
[SPEAKER_01]: I met him at the dog park.
13:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I, like people who love animals, I think they're good people.
13:09
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a reason why animals like them back.
13:11
[SPEAKER_01]: So I trust the animals, right?
13:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Animals in nature, flee from danger.
13:16
[SPEAKER_01]: You would think the same thing happens in, you know, in a house.
13:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's not the case.
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[SPEAKER_01]: Those animals just get accustomed to whatever that danger is.
13:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I just didn't pay attention and you just get sucked in.
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[SPEAKER_01]: You don't recognize certain behaviors and in certain tones and the way someone this person would use this sentence versus this person, the intent behind it is different.
13:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
13:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And you don't recognize that if you're naive to that situation and that's.
13:48
[SPEAKER_01]: that is my problem is I was absolutely naive to that.
13:52
[SPEAKER_05]: And so what about like, you know, I mean, so first one of the things that was hard breaking for me, even in reading the book was that he had a list, like a document of all the things you can and can't do.
14:10
[SPEAKER_05]: Could you share a little bit about that list?
14:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, um, he kept bringing up, well, you used to do this and I'm like, used it, what is going on?
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[SPEAKER_01]: Like, what are you talking about?
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[SPEAKER_01]: And then he messaged me this list.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I just remember reading that, I think it's in italics in there.
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[SPEAKER_01]: you need to memorize this.
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[SPEAKER_01]: So it's never again an issue of you not knowing or not remembering.
14:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was, you can only post on Facebook if I've approved it or you know, have friends that I've approved of because of past BS and all of these things.
14:52
[SPEAKER_01]: In a normal person, you just, you don't necessarily go with the flow but you have the respect for the other person that they have respect for you.
15:02
[SPEAKER_01]: it wasn't about that.
15:03
[SPEAKER_01]: It was I had to have respect for him.
15:05
[SPEAKER_01]: He demanded respect whether he gave me respect or not.
15:09
[SPEAKER_01]: So again, it's all the intent behind it.
15:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
15:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and after, and I'm glad I kept that list because it's a, it's a reminder of the insanity.
15:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
15:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, but I remember right after I left a girl going viral on social media that her boyfriend gave her a list of 10 things she had to do.
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[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like,
15:30
[SPEAKER_01]: I got that beat, you know, and thinking, oh my god, that's so pathetic, like why, why, why, why, why would I ever even stay past that because that was, I got that list in July of 2018 and it took me until October 31st, July 2018 to leave.
15:47
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow, wow, wow, and, and like, you know, so, so, so.
15:53
[SPEAKER_05]: emotional abuse, psychological abuse and in some cases, physical abuse, you know, at what point, you know, you know, why did you stay so long?
16:08
[SPEAKER_01]: The initial times that I left, he basically talked me back into staying.
16:15
[SPEAKER_01]: It's my fault.
16:17
[SPEAKER_01]: It's if you didn't do this, we would be fine, if you did this, we would be fine.
16:23
[SPEAKER_01]: So it was he put the ball back in my court when he had control the whole time no matter what I did or behavior I exhibited or what I fixed.
16:35
[SPEAKER_01]: It would still be broken.
16:36
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think it took many times to realize that or actually get cemented.
16:41
[SPEAKER_01]: As often as I did fix things, things were still broken to the point of, you know, you go sleep out on the sofa.
16:50
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'd go sleep out on the sofa.
16:52
[SPEAKER_01]: He came out and turned the lights on.
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[SPEAKER_01]: And I go turn the lights off.
16:56
[SPEAKER_01]: He back out, turn the lights back on.
16:58
[SPEAKER_01]: You're sleeping with the lights on.
16:59
[SPEAKER_01]: This is my house.
17:01
[SPEAKER_01]: This is how you're going to sleep.
17:04
[SPEAKER_01]: So he just wanted
17:11
[SPEAKER_05]: It was there, was there ever love, would you, would you say that, you know, you loved him or he loved you, or was it always about power and control?
17:24
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I, I wanted to think it was love coming from him, but I don't think it ever was.
17:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Like looking back, I think it was the illusion of love.
17:36
[SPEAKER_01]: It was about the control to get me to love him or I'll take that back, not just to love him, to idolize him, he wanted to be idolized above everything else.
17:54
[SPEAKER_01]: It didn't matter, above my parents, above anything.
17:58
[SPEAKER_01]: If I compliment, we were a church, I complimented a singer up on stage.
18:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And Ash, I ruined church for him because I complimented the singer.
18:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
18:11
[SPEAKER_01]: So if I thought good of anybody else, it was I ruined everything for him because he had to be idolized at all points.
18:24
[SPEAKER_05]: And so some of the things that have happened or if you could just talk to what is some of the red flags, right, because again, you know, one of the things I appreciate about this book, you know, behind the smile is that it's not really just about your story, it's about it's a question every tell it's it's for me, right, it's for my wife it's for
18:52
[SPEAKER_05]: the uncles, just for the people who have loved ones, who, you know, in those loved ones, might be in a domestic violence type of relationship, because even that, right, like, like, someone in a domestic violence relationship may not, they're being so controlled, they might not be able to buy a book, right, like this, right?
19:15
[SPEAKER_05]: Because the control is so deep and, you know, controlling
19:21
[SPEAKER_05]: So, like, talk a little bit about the red flags that a family member, a friend, someone can identify in their loved one.
19:31
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, what are some of the things that start to happen that someone should look and say, you know what?
19:37
[SPEAKER_05]: They might be in an domestic violence relationship.
19:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I would say if if that person, this is probably the easiest thing to spot is if that person if when they are normally around you, they are on fire with personality and the light and energy, and that's all dimmed, it's like a dimmer switch.
19:56
[SPEAKER_01]: It's completely dimmed down or they
20:01
[SPEAKER_01]: By the time they're seeing you, they're frazzled.
20:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Like their anxiety is taken over.
20:06
[SPEAKER_01]: It's like they're burning a candle at both ends because they really are.
20:09
[SPEAKER_01]: They're trying to like balance their sanity with the crazy and it's just meeting in the middle of an explosion.
20:23
[SPEAKER_01]: Exiting of family events like if they're always at Thanksgiving and always at Christmas and always there maybe once a month and all of a sudden you're only seeing them every other month or every three months or every six months, you see them kind of withdrawing that's another big one.
20:41
[SPEAKER_01]: They're added to it and they're fire for life.
20:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Most people, when you get them on a certain topic of some kind, they'll have energy.
20:50
[SPEAKER_01]: You'll see the fuel come back in, no matter how tired or drained, you mentioned one keyword or one topic and they're like, yeah, you won't see that anymore in them because they're too dead end to so much that's going on in their own life.
21:10
[SPEAKER_05]: What it, you know, talks to me about the mindset of somebody in a domestic violence relationship because, um, you know, I.
21:26
[SPEAKER_05]: It's hard for me to fathom, right?
21:28
[SPEAKER_05]: Like just kind of hearing these things.
21:30
[SPEAKER_05]: It's hard for me to fathom that someone could be that manipulative, right?
21:38
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, you come from a two parent home.
21:41
[SPEAKER_05]: You have siblings, you have family, you have friends.
21:44
[SPEAKER_05]: And so it feels like with someone who has
21:50
[SPEAKER_05]: love, right?
21:51
[SPEAKER_05]: Like your parents have been with each other for a long time.
21:54
[SPEAKER_05]: So you know what, you know what love looks like.
21:56
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
21:57
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
21:57
[SPEAKER_05]: You know what love looks like.
22:00
[SPEAKER_05]: But yet, and again, this is not in a blaming way.
22:02
[SPEAKER_05]: It's just me just sort of understanding like, you know what love looks like.
22:06
[SPEAKER_05]: But yeah, you were able to, you know, get manipulated, right?
22:11
[SPEAKER_05]: Like what is the mindset of
22:15
[SPEAKER_05]: a person that's in a domestic relationship, but then also, you know, how does that relationship, like how do you get back to like how do you like get out of it?
22:29
[SPEAKER_05]: How do you get back to your to yourself?
22:32
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think the first part of that is how do you kind of feel the mindset of it is we all want to be loved.
22:41
[SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes that love is a pure and sometimes it's fate.
22:45
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, sometimes it's pure or sometimes it's fate.
22:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And do we know the difference sometimes?
22:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe not.
22:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it's wildly coyote and a sheep's costume, right?
22:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Chasing the road runner.
22:56
[SPEAKER_01]: You just don't know sometimes until there is zipping off the sheep's clothing, right?
23:05
[SPEAKER_01]: That, to me, was like the most mind blowing thing.
23:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And in the same thing in the financial stuff.
23:11
[SPEAKER_01]: So just because my parents had a successful marriage, just because they handled finances successfully, doesn't mean it was taught, right?
23:24
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's not ausmosis.
23:26
[SPEAKER_01]: You're not like soaking it in through your skin.
23:28
[SPEAKER_01]: You can see it.
23:29
[SPEAKER_01]: You have a goal for that.
23:34
[SPEAKER_01]: But what does this have to get you there?
23:36
[SPEAKER_01]: What are the questions to ask and make sure you're finding the right partner?
23:40
[SPEAKER_01]: What are the questions that you're asking to make sure you're financially set?
23:43
[SPEAKER_01]: It's almost the same path, but one's the relationship and one's the financial.
23:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes they cross.
23:49
[SPEAKER_01]: But I think having a example doesn't tell you
23:57
[SPEAKER_01]: all the steps it took to get there.
24:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that is part of the breakdown of some of that for me.
24:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I witnessed six in my grandparents, I wish, you know, witnessed it in my parents, I witnessed it with my brother and my sister-in-law, like successful marriages.
24:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
24:16
[SPEAKER_01]: But I haven't found that success, right?
24:18
[SPEAKER_01]: What steps am I missing or didn't I follow or didn't I see or or pay attention to the
24:27
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
24:27
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
24:29
[SPEAKER_05]: And I'm glad that you answered it that way, like I'm glad you put that into perspective because I think that that's the biggest misconception, right?
24:38
[SPEAKER_05]: Because again, as somebody who, you don't know what you don't know, right?
24:44
[SPEAKER_05]: So as somebody who grew up in a single parent home, who grew up without my dad in the household, you know, raised in the streets
24:56
[SPEAKER_05]: a skewed view of what people who grew up in a toothpick family household looked like, right?
25:02
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, like, I'm like, well, I got into these, like, I was in trouble.
25:06
[SPEAKER_05]: I got kicked out of school.
25:08
[SPEAKER_05]: I got, you know, I made a lot of mistakes, and immediately I'm saying, oh, that's just because my dad wasn't in the household.
25:15
[SPEAKER_05]: If I had both my parents then this, when
25:19
[SPEAKER_05]: I know, you know, people with two parents, households that got in the same trouble is me, but because I have an experience that I'm sort of like blaming, not blaming, but having that judgment that, oh, you know, you know, you've seen it, but the truth is, like when we think about wealth,
25:38
[SPEAKER_05]: Why is, you know, wealth gone by the third generation?
25:44
[SPEAKER_05]: The goddess of race, ethnicity, third generation, wealth is gone.
25:48
[SPEAKER_05]: Why?
25:49
[SPEAKER_05]: Because, you don't learn it.
25:52
[SPEAKER_05]: It's not passed down.
25:53
[SPEAKER_05]: When we talk about passing down,
25:55
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, legacy and generational wealth, it can't just be about the assets, right?
26:02
[SPEAKER_05]: It has to be about, you know, you know, knowledge.
26:06
[SPEAKER_05]: And again, you know, how long your parents have been married?
26:09
[SPEAKER_01]: 48 years before my past.
26:11
[SPEAKER_05]: 48 years, right?
26:14
[SPEAKER_05]: Still doesn't mean that that's 48 years of observation, but not 48 years of lessons passed down.
26:24
[SPEAKER_05]: And so, so that, you know, I appreciate that because again, you know, just, and then really, I asked that question that way is because I know that there might be people watching that,
26:37
[SPEAKER_05]: will look and say again like what this doesn't make sense like how like why why would you stay like all these things that you don't know if you're not in it right but understanding that um you know like you said people are looking for love um and so when that love comes think about why people join gangs
26:58
[SPEAKER_01]: right when they join a gang it's not they belong they belong they want that sense of belonging and so that that's that that's you know where they go right and then there's all those like shows out their love island in bachelors and paradise and like all of those it's all about finding love right so America is dead or you know the world is desperate to find love no matter what way yeah yeah
27:23
[SPEAKER_05]: And so now, how did you get your mojo back?
27:29
[SPEAKER_05]: How did you get out of your situation?
27:35
[SPEAKER_01]: So first and foremost, I think most people, I'm not saying everybody, because everyone's got their own thing, most people need to talk to a professional about it.
27:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Because it is traumatic.
27:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Trauma lives in a different part of the brain.
27:49
[SPEAKER_01]: It's scientific abuse and traumatic abuse.
27:55
[SPEAKER_01]: can cause PTSD and CPTSC or complex PTSD.
28:00
[SPEAKER_01]: So it is a real thing.
28:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So talking to someone about that and having the discussion of what is a real memory, what is trauma, what was good, what was bad, and really like hashing it out.
28:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Right, because when you see it in black and white and, you know, some therapists have you do like homework assignments for the lack of a better term or work book it is some would say you get to see examples and look back of what you missed and what you could have seen that.
28:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Now it would be neon red flags to you not like this sun worn pale pink like slightly tattered red flag right it is straight up neon red neon hot burning a hole in your eyes that you're going to see it in a way different manner.
28:54
[SPEAKER_01]: So talking to someone first and foremost.
28:57
[SPEAKER_01]: getting back the things that you loved, whether it's going to the gym, getting a good book, going out to dinner with friends, going to see movies, whatever that is, take one step at a time, make a promise to yourself to do that one thing, do it, do the next thing, do it, build confidence in yourself, because once once you take those baby steps, you're getting back to your true
29:27
[SPEAKER_01]: you have to take each step to get to that platform to go up to the next one, and without taking those steps, you're just stuck.
29:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You'll sit in there in the tornado of chaos and tailspin.
29:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's not healthy for anybody.
29:45
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
29:45
[SPEAKER_05]: When you, when you, when you made the decision to leave, was it,
29:51
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm ripping the band aid off, enough is enough.
29:54
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm out of here, how did you gain the courage?
29:57
[SPEAKER_05]: Was it a gradual thing?
29:59
[SPEAKER_05]: What was that process like?
30:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, the first time I left, I got kicked out because of a huge fight.
30:07
[SPEAKER_01]: The second time I left the third time I left I was like I had enough I can't fight with you anymore I'm done.
30:14
[SPEAKER_01]: I left third time same thing four time I left in the middle of a hurricane And then the fifth time something he said that was the breaking point
30:26
[SPEAKER_01]: And I said, you know what?
30:27
[SPEAKER_01]: You can have that.
30:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm done.
30:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I grabbed my dog.
30:31
[SPEAKER_01]: I had already strategically moved a majority of my stuff out.
30:35
[SPEAKER_01]: I left things on hangers that didn't even care about any longer.
30:38
[SPEAKER_01]: Kind of like stuff that you would give away to a good will or a salvation army and spring cleaning.
30:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And I had moved everything out.
30:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So I already had a plan in place and I was out the door.
30:56
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow, and so, and so what happens like that keeps bringing, is it the financial dependency?
31:03
[SPEAKER_05]: Like what is it that keeps bringing people back?
31:06
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh, for no reason.
31:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Hope.
31:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
31:09
[SPEAKER_01]: Hope that things will change, because they want to get back to the honeymoon phase again.
31:13
[SPEAKER_01]: That cycle, the honeymoon phase is so great.
31:16
[SPEAKER_01]: They make you feel so amazing.
31:18
[SPEAKER_01]: But here's the key.
31:19
[SPEAKER_01]: They only have to have that honeymoon phase one day out of the 30 days of the month.
31:24
[UNKNOWN]: Right.
31:25
[SPEAKER_01]: because that the rest of the time if they're crappy to you, you're hoping for that one day.
31:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Mmm.
31:31
[SPEAKER_01]: You're hoping and pleading for that one day.
31:33
[SPEAKER_01]: You're begging.
31:34
[SPEAKER_01]: There are emails.
31:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think one of them maybe is in there or I'm begging him for Christmas present.
31:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I wanted us to be back to where we were.
31:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
31:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Plight pleading begging.
31:48
[SPEAKER_02]: Wow.
31:49
[SPEAKER_05]: And that's it was never going to be that he loved that that was pure power right there and well and you know what one of the interesting things that was was I mean one of the interesting things was that like
32:08
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, he would control who your friends are, where you would go, your social media interactions, kind of blaming you for like cheating and things that nature, and then you found out that he was cheating, not what a woman.
32:29
[SPEAKER_00]: Well, with both.
32:31
[SPEAKER_00]: One time with a woman, one time of the same sex.
32:34
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow.
32:35
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow, how did that make you feel when you found that out?
32:40
[SPEAKER_05]: Like this person who's controlling you, who's manipulating you, who's making you feel like,
32:48
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, your worth is nothing to now find out that this person is not only cheating with both with same sex and opposite sex, but is also putting your life in danger, right?
33:05
[SPEAKER_05]: Because, you know, I could imagine that someone who is
33:11
[SPEAKER_05]: uh, manipulative and who is, um, um, you know, that type of person in a domestic violence, uh, relationship is not careful.
33:21
[SPEAKER_05]: They're forceful.
33:23
[SPEAKER_05]: They're asking you to do things that we can't say on this show.
33:26
[SPEAKER_05]: Even though we can say whatever we want to show, we're just for the sake of the right for the audience, right?
33:31
[SPEAKER_05]: And so, like, how does that, how does that make you feel?
33:34
[SPEAKER_01]: It made me feel disgusting.
33:36
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
33:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Like,
33:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I thought I already felt worthless because the words he would use would just decorate me so badly.
33:46
[SPEAKER_01]: But I felt lower than that.
33:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And I didn't even think that was possible until I came across the evidence.
33:54
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow.
33:55
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow.
33:56
[SPEAKER_05]: And so, you know, once you left, what was your first financial move to get back on your feet?
34:04
[SPEAKER_01]: So the first financial big move that I made is I went to a conference about infinite banking.
34:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm in St. Augustine, Florida, and to be honest with you, I probably wouldn't have gone because my mom had just passed away three weeks prior, but I had already bought the ticket.
34:22
[SPEAKER_01]: So I went and I'm so thankful I did because they always tout and you can see this all over social media.
34:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Those types of accounts, the IRS hates because they can't see what money's growing in it.
34:35
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, no, neither can anyone else except for you, right?
34:38
[SPEAKER_01]: So that is what I wanted and after reading Rich Dead Poor Dad for I don't know the umpteenth time.
34:44
[SPEAKER_01]: it jumped out of me.
34:45
[SPEAKER_01]: That's exactly the type of account that I wanted.
34:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So I canceled like my term policies and just had that with a term writer and just started growing money in there rather than a savings of traditional savings account, I dumped the money in there because you could borrow and it was like you never touched the money.
35:03
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
35:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So that was like my first big move.
35:08
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah,
35:10
[SPEAKER_05]: that financial independence, I mean, this actually sounds like the best type of account or best type of financial vehicle for anybody in any situation in which they're being held hostage or abused financially because this sounds like something that you could put your money in.
35:33
[SPEAKER_05]: and, and, and, you know, it, it shields you in a way, right, where you do now you have access, because you go borrow from it, things of that nature, you have access to a financial vehicle.
35:44
[SPEAKER_05]: That is virtually invisible.
35:48
[SPEAKER_05]: to the right because we think about domestic violence.
35:51
[SPEAKER_05]: They're watching your bank account.
35:53
[SPEAKER_05]: They're watching certain things.
35:54
[SPEAKER_05]: But this in a sense is like invisible.
35:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, because you can switch to online statements where they would need your login.
36:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's not an emergency fund because it takes three to five days to get it into your account.
36:09
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
36:09
[SPEAKER_01]: But it absolutely can be a financial saving grace for you.
36:14
[SPEAKER_01]: as you stash money away.
36:16
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
36:17
[SPEAKER_05]: How did your relationship with money change after, you know, surviving abuse?
36:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Dramaticly.
36:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Because I had put, like, my mom told me, put money into retirement accounts, do all this.
36:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And to have someone control and take from me.
36:38
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
36:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Not only did he take the IRS took because I took, right?
36:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I removed $40,000 to give to him and the IRS sends me a bill for $10,000.
36:51
[SPEAKER_02]: Wow.
36:52
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm not 50,000, right?
36:55
[SPEAKER_01]: So that was an eye opener, right?
36:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Unless you borrow,
37:01
[SPEAKER_01]: If you borrow from a 401k while you're still at your place of employment, you have time to pay it back.
37:07
[SPEAKER_01]: There's no timeline.
37:09
[SPEAKER_01]: If you borrow from an IRA, a newty, you know, whatever, outside like qualified money, if you borrow outside of a work environment, there is a timeline.
37:20
[SPEAKER_01]: You have three months.
37:21
[UNKNOWN]: Wow.
37:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't know that at the time.
37:23
[SPEAKER_01]: So it fast-forwarded me learning a quite a bit more about that because I couldn't even pay myself back at that point.
37:30
[SPEAKER_01]: So I got taxed on it.
37:31
[SPEAKER_01]: That's why I got the extra 10,000 tax.
37:33
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, yeah.
37:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And penalized because I was under 59 and a half.
37:37
[SPEAKER_05]: Right, right, right.
37:40
[SPEAKER_05]: And so what advice do you have for survivors?
37:43
[SPEAKER_05]: Try to rebuild their lives financially, especially when they've lost income, credit, or assets?
37:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Make sure you have an emergency fund always three to six months whatever some people want a year it's all based off of your comfort level, but in reality three months absolutely and then stash the other stuff and maybe a high yield savings account or an infinite banking type policy.
38:07
[SPEAKER_01]: To grow and be able to use compounding in your favor because.
38:14
[SPEAKER_01]: If you don't, that money's gone, and you're not going to be able to use it ever again, it's gone, it's spent.
38:22
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, yeah.
38:23
[SPEAKER_05]: And so now you're a successful entrepreneur, you know, financial professional, how did healing emotionally help you like level up financially?
38:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, it helped me level up in my service to other people because
38:40
[SPEAKER_01]: me going through that devastation and helping people with their finances.
38:45
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm I'm back down at a different level than of a level of understanding.
38:51
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm no better than anybody else, but I'm in a different level of understanding.
38:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And
38:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Understanding what people want to make sure that their families protected from, that they don't have to pat.
39:05
[SPEAKER_01]: They don't have to pass along nothing, even a little bit helps.
39:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And then on the financial side for me.
39:14
[SPEAKER_01]: making sure my money isn't as space where I'm never going to get taxed like that again.
39:18
[SPEAKER_02]: That was painful.
39:22
[SPEAKER_01]: That was extremely painful.
39:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I got that check.
39:24
[SPEAKER_01]: I took a picture of it.
39:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Or I got that bill from the IRS.
39:28
[SPEAKER_01]: I took a picture of it and I sat there and cried.
39:30
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
39:31
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
39:32
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
39:32
[SPEAKER_05]: And so now like when you think about like loved ones now too,
39:41
[SPEAKER_05]: loved ones better assist, right?
39:44
[SPEAKER_05]: I know we we we talk about that in the book.
39:46
[SPEAKER_05]: How can loved ones better assist their family members?
39:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Whether they know or not that they're in a domestic violence relationship be there for them be that shoulder or ear for them to to talk to and to to lean on when needed.
40:05
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
40:05
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not saying hand over your checking account to them, right?
40:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Most people aren't in a financial situation and do that, but you can help your loved one make a fun call, you can help contact a crisis center or domestic violent shelter or safety planning.
40:23
[SPEAKER_01]: place to help get that process started for when you are ready to leave that I mean that's probably the biggest help you can be but you have to take their cue the victims cue on those steps if you do it ahead of time they're probably going to tell their abuser and then you will be isolated.
40:42
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow.
40:43
[SPEAKER_05]: And talk a little bit about, right?
40:45
[SPEAKER_05]: Because you share the story with me behind the scenes about someone who left their partner at the right time, right?
40:58
[SPEAKER_05]: And unfortunately, that person got into another relationship.
41:07
[SPEAKER_05]: Can you expand on that one?
41:10
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm trying to think that we've been talking so much back.
41:13
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, because she left the relationship and then the abuser got into another relationship and I guess wanted to killings.
41:24
[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yes.
41:25
[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
41:27
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
41:28
[SPEAKER_05]: And I want, you know, because I think that
41:31
[SPEAKER_05]: Um, you know, again, we call, we call the book behind the smile for a reason, right?
41:36
[SPEAKER_05]: And so while, while we're up here, you know, um, and we, and before we get to the store, let's talk about the smile, right?
41:45
[SPEAKER_05]: Because, um, you know, it's interesting because that, like, you know, well, my wife does the same thing, right?
41:52
[SPEAKER_05]: Like, um,
41:54
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, this certain times, like if you see her smiling or laughing or like you know like all right somebody wrong right you might you might think all is just a smile or whatever, but it's you know sometimes it could be a mechanism.
42:09
[SPEAKER_05]: Um, and you have something similar right so talk a little bit about the you know smile and laugh, uh, you know.
42:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, the smile almost becomes your mask.
42:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it is a safety defense of am I happy and my sad you won't know because I'm just have a smile on my face.
42:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Now the look behind my eyes might be different, but if you smile, you can exude something or you're just,
42:40
[SPEAKER_01]: there.
42:41
[SPEAKER_01]: You're just being.
42:43
[SPEAKER_01]: I do smile when I'm uncomfortable sometimes.
42:47
[SPEAKER_01]: I shared with you like if I'm in an elevator and it's quiet, I start laughing because it's awkward.
42:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes the same thing, like even if I go out to dinner by myself, I'll just look around and I'll smile.
43:01
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not...
43:02
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, sometimes it's a safety mechanism.
43:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes it's just, I'm enjoying the environment.
43:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
43:08
[SPEAKER_01]: You just never know, but absolutely in the relationship, you wouldn't have known because you try to put, you compartmentalize and try to put it everything in the back.
43:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
43:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And you try to move forward, get past it, you know, comply, you know, fight flight or freeze
43:31
[SPEAKER_01]: you just try to move forward, past it and through it, and the only way to do that sometimes is smile.
43:37
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, and I wanted to, but before you share the story, I wanted to, I wanted to bring that up, right, because
43:48
[SPEAKER_05]: Observing what's on the outside is not enough and I'm looking.
43:51
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm talking to your loved ones parents uncles aunts loved ones friends viewing what's on the outside of not enough you if you look at your loved one
44:06
[SPEAKER_05]: There might be something behind the smile, right?
44:09
[SPEAKER_05]: There might be something behind the smile and don't take that for granted.
44:12
[SPEAKER_05]: Don't just look like have.
44:14
[SPEAKER_05]: I know a lot of us are busy.
44:16
[SPEAKER_05]: I think that social media has really damaged the family and friendship dynamic.
44:26
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
44:27
[SPEAKER_05]: I'm guilty of it, right?
44:29
[SPEAKER_05]: I remember before social media, if I thought about a friend, you can know what I would do.
44:34
[SPEAKER_05]: I will pick up the phone and call them.
44:37
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
44:37
[SPEAKER_05]: Now when I think about a friend, check their feet.
44:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I check their feet.
44:42
[SPEAKER_05]: I go and I check their feet.
44:45
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
44:45
[SPEAKER_05]: And I'm, you know, I'm so busy that I don't have time.
44:51
[SPEAKER_05]: And so if I check your feet and it was less than a month ago, and you smiling, all right, you're good, right?
45:00
[SPEAKER_05]: But you never know who needs that phone call.
45:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's the difference between, hey, Ash, how are you doing?
45:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Today, fine, good, good.
45:09
[SPEAKER_01]: One more question.
45:11
[SPEAKER_01]: How are you really?
45:13
[SPEAKER_01]: How are you feeling today?
45:15
[SPEAKER_01]: Like what feelings are you sitting at?
45:17
[SPEAKER_01]: So it's just taking another level.
45:21
[SPEAKER_01]: because so many people, it's or a microwave society, right?
45:24
[SPEAKER_01]: You punch the minute 30 seconds, whatever, and everything is cooked and warm and whatever, but knowing what's beyond that, what's a little deeper.
45:34
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just connection, and we, you're right.
45:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, social media,
45:41
[SPEAKER_01]: You can check on a hundred friends.
45:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Everybody's good.
45:44
[SPEAKER_01]: Everybody's good.
45:45
[SPEAKER_05]: Everybody's smiling.
45:46
[SPEAKER_05]: Everybody's smiling.
45:47
[SPEAKER_05]: Everybody's good.
45:48
[SPEAKER_05]: Everybody's posting.
45:49
[SPEAKER_05]: You know.
45:50
[SPEAKER_05]: And so talk about that situation because I think it's important to know that the ramifications of domestic violence can end really, really badly for your loved one.
46:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.
46:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And I do want to practice this with anything that anyone goes through document it.
46:10
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
46:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Whether you set up a fake email and email it to yourself as a record of things have a record because if things escalate like the story, there is a trail and the police then know what happened.
46:26
[SPEAKER_01]: or where it came from.
46:27
[SPEAKER_01]: But I do have a friend that was like beaten senseless in downtown O'Cala.
46:34
[SPEAKER_01]: No one came to help her.
46:36
[SPEAKER_01]: She did contact the police.
46:38
[SPEAKER_01]: She did get a restraining order.
46:40
[SPEAKER_05]: And we said no one came to help her.
46:41
[SPEAKER_05]: Like people saw it.
46:42
[SPEAKER_01]: All the others.
46:43
[SPEAKER_05]: Like they watched her go through this and no one.
46:47
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow.
46:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Who wants to get in the middle of a domestic dispute?
46:51
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
46:52
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
46:53
[SPEAKER_05]: I guess because I'm bigger, maybe, maybe because I'm 63 over 300 pounds, I've had tussles.
47:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
47:07
[SPEAKER_01]: But you could help them.
47:08
[SPEAKER_05]: I can help them for shit.
47:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
47:10
[SPEAKER_01]: But if little five four me walks in, how am I going to get a bigger dude off of somebody?
47:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
47:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I could now.
47:19
[SPEAKER_01]: with jujitsu, but you know, that's where things escalate.
47:24
[SPEAKER_01]: She did call the cops.
47:26
[SPEAKER_01]: She did filing restraining order.
47:28
[SPEAKER_01]: But he moved on to his next victim.
47:31
[SPEAKER_01]: The next girl he dated, things escalated and he killed her.
47:34
[SPEAKER_01]: He's in jail.
47:36
[SPEAKER_02]: Wow.
47:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's where things can absolutely take a turn for the worse.
47:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And abuse or doesn't get better.
47:42
[UNKNOWN]: All right.
47:42
[SPEAKER_01]: they continue to get worse, whatever they stretch to, they'll go beyond that.
47:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So if someone leaves, when they go back, they're telling me abuser that that action that got you to leave was okay, because you're back.
47:57
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
47:58
[SPEAKER_01]: So they escalate at the next time, and each time it escalates.
48:01
[SPEAKER_05]: Oh, well, what do you think would have happened to you if you'd have went back after the fifth time?
48:09
[SPEAKER_01]: There would be severe damage.
48:12
[SPEAKER_01]: We, at times, were working in the condo at the same time, him working from home, me working from home.
48:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And I mean, COVID, you had to 24, seven, right?
48:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank goodness.
48:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
48:29
[SPEAKER_01]: I was nowhere close to COVID on that, but.
48:33
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it was already escalating, you know, punched in the chest, spit on through me down, broke my things, things that meant something to me, gave away things that meant a lot to me, like a college sweatshirt that I designed for my sorority.
49:01
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow.
49:02
[SPEAKER_05]: So let's talk about your nonprofit for a second, right?
49:04
[SPEAKER_05]: Your nonprofit ignite her helps women stepping to their purpose.
49:09
[SPEAKER_05]: How does purpose tie into profit and long-term wealth for survivors?
49:16
[SPEAKER_01]: So purpose for me in starting that is helping women exit safely.
49:21
[SPEAKER_01]: So because most domestic violence reporting is physical, how do you remove that physical side?
49:32
[SPEAKER_01]: How do you exit safely?
49:34
[SPEAKER_01]: and one of the top things that people are arrested for a strangulation, right?
49:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Whether it's in sexual assaults, whether it's in domestic violence, it's strangulation is one of the top reported things.
49:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, strangulation is also being normalized in movies, in pornos, and you know anything and everything that's out there, you know, kids are talking about it in school, strangulation.
50:00
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not, that should not be normalized.
50:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Strangulation is attempted murder.
50:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the case attorneys that we've listened to with the Institute for Strangulation Prevention is you cannot consent to something that will kill you.
50:20
[SPEAKER_01]: It only takes six to eight seconds to hold down your arteries and veins for you to pass out.
50:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Six eight seconds.
50:29
[SPEAKER_05]: Six eight seconds.
50:30
[SPEAKER_01]: With less pressure than it.
50:31
[SPEAKER_05]: Six the eight or six to eight.
50:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Six to eight.
50:34
[SPEAKER_05]: Wow.
50:35
[SPEAKER_01]: And with less pressure, then I shook your hand when I saw you today.
50:40
[SPEAKER_02]: Wow.
50:41
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's how important it is.
50:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Is if someone blacks out, how do you know what's gonna happen next?
50:47
[SPEAKER_01]: Are you gonna continue and pass away?
50:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Or are you just gonna black out and things are gonna get done to you or your surroundings?
50:58
[SPEAKER_01]: Are you gonna wake up in a different location than you passed out?
51:02
[SPEAKER_01]: There are dangerous things that happen once that happens.
51:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Helping women get out of compromising situations.
51:10
[SPEAKER_01]: We've done private workshops for sororities at colleges, for groups of women in the community, of teaching self-defense tactics.
51:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And the Women Empowered Program in specific teaches a top 20 assaults on women that are filed with the police.
51:28
[SPEAKER_05]: Is there, and I just don't know this though, is there statistics on domestic violence for women to men?
51:40
[SPEAKER_05]: Does that exist?
51:42
[SPEAKER_01]: There is domestic violence.
51:43
[SPEAKER_01]: So there's domestic violence across the board.
51:45
[SPEAKER_01]: Women to women, men to men, women to men, men to women across the board.
51:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Specific.
51:54
[SPEAKER_01]: statistics that don't have on hand, but I do know the majority of strangulations statistics are men on women because it's the power control.
52:03
[SPEAKER_01]: When women's strangled, it is frustration.
52:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And you know, you know, that kind of anxiety and frustration, men, it's about power control.
52:13
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
52:13
[SPEAKER_05]: All right.
52:14
[SPEAKER_05]: and could, you know, just stand and let's say, woman to man financially, is at the same stat that like, you know, a woman has control of the finances so they are abusive, like, again, for me,
52:32
[SPEAKER_05]: And again, I'm not trying to make light of anything.
52:35
[SPEAKER_05]: I just could not see that.
52:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
52:38
[SPEAKER_01]: So that 99% statistic isn't broken out by sex.
52:42
[SPEAKER_01]: That's just in general of abusive relationships.
52:45
[SPEAKER_01]: So I think that could probably go either way because they're, I mean, we see the sights all over the place, right?
52:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Men seeking women to take care of them financially and vice versa.
52:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Women seeking men to take care of them financially.
52:57
[SPEAKER_01]: So there are people sometimes seek out the control.
53:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes it takes the step too far beyond that, right?
53:06
[SPEAKER_01]: There's spoiling and getting spoiled and all that kind of stuff that becomes quite different when you're asking for that dynamic.
53:16
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
53:16
[SPEAKER_01]: And when it is imposed on you that you can't control.
53:20
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
53:21
[SPEAKER_05]: And so, you know, what would this wealth mean to you now?
53:26
[SPEAKER_05]: Right?
53:26
[SPEAKER_05]: After everything you've been through, you know,
53:33
[SPEAKER_01]: freedom, safety.
53:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't think wealth is necessarily monetary.
53:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I think it is being able to make my own decisions, have my own emotions, talk to whoever I want to.
53:50
[SPEAKER_01]: It's the freedom to do any and everything on my own terms.
53:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
53:56
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
53:57
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
53:57
[SPEAKER_05]: And so if you know someone watching
54:03
[SPEAKER_05]: in our unhealthy relationship, right?
54:06
[SPEAKER_05]: What's one thing that they can do today to start shifting their money mindset to regain control?
54:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Have a plan, get a plan in place.
54:17
[SPEAKER_01]: If the abuser is controlling their finances, let's say they go to the grocery store, take an extra 20 bucks out, invest it.
54:26
[UNKNOWN]: Yeah.
54:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Put it in a high yield savings account, whatever that looks like, have it hidden, give it to a family member to invest for you.
54:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Something to be able to build up a safety fund or a emergency fund.
54:41
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, so you can escape if you need to go to a hotel or there's a waiting, you know, two week or two month waiting period for a shelter.
54:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes there is.
54:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, I know in the state of Florida it's a 47 day turnaround.
54:54
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you're in the shelter for 47 days, you have to move on.
54:57
[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
54:57
[SPEAKER_01]: You have to have a plan in place.
54:59
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, so this gives you a little extra freedom.
55:02
[SPEAKER_01]: If you need to stay at a hotel or an extended day or whatever that looks like, um, so you're not under that stress of, oh, I should just go back.
55:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, why am I dealing with as it's better than the devil I know than the devil I don't.
55:15
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I hate that saying, but it's out there.
55:18
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
55:18
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
55:19
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
55:19
[SPEAKER_05]: And like, um, I also know that, you know, most times when we think domestic violence,
55:28
[SPEAKER_05]: Um, we mainly think about physical violence, um, but you know, in the book, you talk about like emotional and psychological, um, you know, abuse, almost being worse than physical abuse, right?
55:45
[SPEAKER_05]: Because, um,
55:46
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, physical abuse, I could look at you and see it.
55:52
[SPEAKER_05]: Talk a little bit about that, about why emotional and psychological abuse could potentially be more, more data.
56:00
[SPEAKER_05]: And you obviously, all abuse is wrong, right?
56:04
[SPEAKER_05]: Obviously, physical abuse could lead to death.
56:10
[SPEAKER_05]: But what is it about emotional and psychological abuse that also makes it dangerous?
56:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so if you and I were to see each other on a regular basis, we work together.
56:23
[SPEAKER_01]: I saw you in the office all the time.
56:25
[SPEAKER_01]: You could physically see if I had bruises or busted my arm or whatever that looks like.
56:33
[SPEAKER_01]: But
56:34
[SPEAKER_01]: You could also see if I changed my appearance randomly.
56:39
[SPEAKER_01]: My hair was different.
56:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I took less care of myself.
56:42
[SPEAKER_01]: I was wearing less makeup.
56:44
[SPEAKER_01]: My clothes were fitting different.
56:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe they weren't fitted.
56:47
[SPEAKER_01]: They were baggy or just something was off.
56:51
[SPEAKER_01]: But it was slightly enough to wear.
56:54
[SPEAKER_01]: It was like, oh, well, Tiffany just looked the same anymore.
56:57
[SPEAKER_01]: But you can put your finger on it.
57:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Before I would get to work, why are you doing your hair?
57:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Why are you wearing the makeup?
57:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Who are you sleeping with at the office?
57:10
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you're such a piece of shit.
57:15
[SPEAKER_01]: the stuff that goes into me before I go to work.
57:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And then I have to sit in it all day and then get text messages all day of, you know, why did you do this?
57:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Why are you liking someone's photo?
57:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, he was on the hunt through social media, through my search history, like all of those things where I just walking around as a shell of my normal personality.
57:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Because all of these things are happening in a dynamic around me.
57:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And the only thing you would see is maybe my change of how I did my hair, or my makeup, or my clothes, or if I had bruises.
57:56
[SPEAKER_01]: But all of that is like living inside of me and killing what's happening inside of me.
58:03
[UNKNOWN]: All right.
58:04
[SPEAKER_05]: All right.
58:04
[SPEAKER_05]: Who have these stuff?
58:05
[SPEAKER_05]: Have these stuff?
58:07
[SPEAKER_05]: Why?
58:08
[SPEAKER_05]: Why did you write the book and why should people pick it up?
58:13
[SPEAKER_01]: far too often I hear people talk about their loved ones in relationships and not knowing how to approach them.
58:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And if they did approach them, then being isolated away or separated away from their loved one.
58:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think
58:32
[SPEAKER_01]: having that conversation really spurred me to say, okay, now it's time because more people need to know about it.
58:41
[SPEAKER_01]: The non-profit was off the ground helping people like feel like Wonder Woman accomplish something, even though the topic is heavy, they're doing something fun, the activity of self-defense, but the education side of it is
58:56
[SPEAKER_01]: What is domestic abuse when the cops are called who's arrested?
59:00
[SPEAKER_01]: What are the cops looking for?
59:02
[SPEAKER_01]: What are all of this education and knowledge?
59:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Putting over into a book like this of what the everyday person should know of the signs and symptoms of what emotional and psychological abuse are.
59:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And just to, you know, if there's, I mean, there's cameras in here, right, because we're in a studio, um, if you're in an apartment in a unsafe neighborhood, you're not going to put cameras in every room.
59:31
[SPEAKER_01]: You're probably going to put on the main entry to see if someone breaks in, right?
59:35
[SPEAKER_01]: But a camera in every room, that's suspicious.
59:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
59:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And Danny Cam.
59:41
[SPEAKER_04]: And that was, yes, it's your way.
59:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
59:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, all of a sudden he changed his alarm clock.
59:46
[SPEAKER_01]: And it was this boring square like weird clock.
59:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And I opened up the hall closet and the box fell right in front of me.
59:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's how I discovered that there was a nanny cam in the bedroom.
59:57
[SPEAKER_05]: Well.
59:58
[SPEAKER_01]: And so he's watching everything so from from the time you walk in was there any parts of the house that you weren't being watched the bathroom I mean he could see when I moved went from the bedroom into the bathroom yeah and he could see like there was a flood like the toilet overflowed and we called maintenance and he was out of town while I was showing the maintenance guy hey there's water under the guest bed like it rolled all the way into this room.
1:00:29
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, he couldn't see in the room, so I got accused of flirting with the maintenance guy because I walked into the bedroom with him.
1:00:36
[SPEAKER_02]: Wow.
1:00:37
[SPEAKER_02]: Wow.
1:00:38
[SPEAKER_01]: So the surveillance, like the walking on eggshells, if it's such an awful feeling.
1:00:47
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
1:00:47
[SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
1:00:47
[SPEAKER_05]: Would you say that, um,
1:00:52
[SPEAKER_05]: those, like people who are abusers are like have low self esteem, are insecure, like what is the profile of an Evan and user?
1:01:10
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know in general, but I do know from my abuser, he had something to hide, right, the same sex,
1:01:22
[SPEAKER_01]: affair.
1:01:22
[SPEAKER_05]: Right.
1:01:23
[SPEAKER_05]: Um, and so, and so that, so that potentially, um, you know, that potentially, he, in his mind.
1:01:34
[SPEAKER_05]: Being an abuser could make him feel more like a man, if you will, more in control because yeah, that thing to hard.
1:01:42
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
1:01:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
1:01:44
[SPEAKER_01]: For sure, I had low self esteem.
1:01:46
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, if I'm sitting here, and it's a beautiful day, and there's a band playing, and I'm sitting here smiling, and you're accusing me of smiling at the lead singer of the band.
1:01:58
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that's for sure, insecurity, really, really.
1:02:04
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I could be very damaging, but that, I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it was absolute insecurities and things that he had to hide.
1:02:14
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah.
1:02:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, and he made significant amount more money than I did, but he had to have mine.
1:02:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, financial control.
1:02:24
[SPEAKER_01]: He didn't want me to be able to do things on my own.
1:02:29
[SPEAKER_05]: My last question, um, you know, I have nieces that are in their 20s.
1:02:35
[SPEAKER_05]: Um, I have a daughter that's 17.
1:02:37
[SPEAKER_05]: Um, what as an uncle, um, as a father, um, even as a, as a friend, you know, what should I be looking out for?
1:02:51
[SPEAKER_05]: What should I be doing to, to protect my nieces, to protect my
1:03:02
[SPEAKER_01]: I would say the top thing is having those conversations.
1:03:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
1:03:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you know anyone that's in a domestic violence situation, or abuse, or controlling, or, you know, whatever term that you want to start out with to open the door?
1:03:18
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you know anyone at school that would nest it?
1:03:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, most kids in school have parent, like they've witnessed it.
1:03:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
1:03:27
[SPEAKER_01]: Having that conversation of this is out there in society, let's have a talk about it.
1:03:34
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, the big explosion we all saw all over the news was Cassie and P. Diddy.
1:03:39
[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.
1:03:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that started the
1:03:41
[SPEAKER_01]: the waterfall and craziness, right?
1:03:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's when you and I started talking about all of this too.
1:03:47
[SPEAKER_01]: It's out there, it's mainstream now.
1:03:51
[SPEAKER_01]: So that is an open conversation of
1:03:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Is that okay?
1:03:56
[SPEAKER_01]: Do you see that as okay?
1:03:58
[SPEAKER_01]: What are your feelings when you see something like that?
1:04:02
[SPEAKER_01]: What would you do in that situation?
1:04:04
[SPEAKER_01]: Just having those open honest conversations?
1:04:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Because if you're not having them, they're not having them with anybody else.
1:04:11
[SPEAKER_01]: They're just getting, it's getting normalized in their brain.
1:04:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's the last thing you want it to do is get normalized.
1:04:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Because it is awful.
1:04:20
[UNKNOWN]: Yeah.
1:04:21
[SPEAKER_05]: All right, y'all, look, heavy episode of inside the vault, but very important, right, very important because when you think about your money, your mindset, control power, finance has a lot to do with that.
1:04:37
[SPEAKER_05]: We have to be aware of what's going on in this world.
1:04:42
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, like Tiffany mentioned, most of us saw the video.
1:04:48
[SPEAKER_05]: the disturbing video of Vidi and Cassie and that level of rage, imagine if that's your love one.
1:04:56
[SPEAKER_05]: Imagine if that's somebody that you love and care about, that's going through that thing and to be fair, we saw videos of Cassie days after that, and she was smiling with him.
1:05:12
[SPEAKER_05]: With him.
1:05:14
[SPEAKER_05]: So what was behind that smile?
1:05:17
[SPEAKER_05]: If people wanted to connect with you, you know, website, social media, where can they find you?
1:05:23
[SPEAKER_01]: The website is TiffanyNewton.com, T-I-F-F-I-N-Y, newton.com, and they can find all the locations where the books are sold so far.
1:05:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Just click on and it'll take you to purchase.
1:05:40
[SPEAKER_05]: All right, so we are closing out the vote.
1:05:43
[SPEAKER_05]: Another powerful episode of Inside the Vote with Ascash, the greatest money mindset show on the planet.
1:05:50
[SPEAKER_05]: Make sure you visit us insidethevaltshow.com, follow us on all social media platforms at Inside the Vote.
1:05:59
[SPEAKER_05]: You know, make sure you join the abundance community to number one financial spirituality community on the planet.
1:06:06
[SPEAKER_05]: Make sure you follow me, go to my website, imaskads.com, follow me on all social media platforms at imaskads and listen, we'll see you next time, same time, same place in God's will.
1:06:18
[SPEAKER_03]: Peace!