Latest / Vox Novus with Victor Fuhrman / Allana Pratt

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Allana Pratt · Vox Novus with Victor Fuhrman

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Speaker 1: Vox Novus The New Voice, Vox Novus the New Dimension.
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Speaker 1: Vox Novus thought and movement leaders who will share from
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Speaker 1: their experience and offer tools to help us navigate our
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Speaker 1: rapidly changing world. My name is Victor Furman. Welcome to
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Speaker 1: Vox Novus, The New Voice.
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Speaker 2: We're living through a loneliness epidemic. Dating apps have made
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Speaker 2: it easier than ever to swipe and harder than ever
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Speaker 2: to meaningfully connect. Millions of people are doing everything right
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Speaker 2: on the outside, yet still feel deeply alone. My guest
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Speaker 2: this week on Vox Novus, emotional intimacy expert Alana Pratt
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Speaker 2: says this is not a love problem, It is an
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Speaker 2: inner wholeness problem. Alana Pratt is a global media personality
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Speaker 2: and go to authority for those ready to transcend heartbreak,
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Speaker 2: live unapologetically, and cultivate a soul shaking relationship. This IVY
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Speaker 2: League grad as the author of six books, has interviewed
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Speaker 2: actress Whoopi Goldberg, musician Alanis Morissette, and physicist Nassim Haramain.
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Speaker 2: She hosts the edgy podcast Intimate Conversations Season fourteen, Dark
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Speaker 2: Night to Divine Light, where listeners learn that intimacy is
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Speaker 2: an inside job. Her website is Alanapratt dot com, and
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Speaker 2: she joins me this week to share her path and
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Speaker 2: audio release of her best selling book, Finding the One
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Speaker 2: is BS Becoming the One is brilliant and beautiful. Please
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Speaker 2: join me in and welcoming back, Alana Pratt. Welcome back, Alana.
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Speaker 3: Oh Victor, it's so great to hear your voice. As
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Speaker 3: soon as we got on the recording, I'm like, oh,
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Speaker 3: I love your voice. It just soothes me.
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Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Alana for listeners meeting you for
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Speaker 2: the first time. Please share your early path and how
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Speaker 2: it shaped your understanding of relationships.
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Speaker 4: Wow.
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Speaker 3: Well, I call myself an intimacy expert. Into me, I see,
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Speaker 3: And I was doing none of the above. I was
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Speaker 3: not checking in with my heart. I wasn't listening to
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Speaker 3: my truth. I don't even think I knew I had
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Speaker 3: an intuition. I had instincts. They were quite fear based,
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Speaker 3: which made me be three steps ahead of everyone, spinning
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Speaker 3: a million miles an hour, just doing anything so you'd
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Speaker 3: like me and not hurt me. And as I realized
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Speaker 3: after divorce number one and divorce number two and the
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Speaker 3: only one in common was me, I thought, you know,
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Speaker 3: let's go inside, let's go under the hood, let's have
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Speaker 3: a look. And so I started to create an intimate
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Speaker 3: relationship with myself, which of course was easy with the
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Speaker 3: parts that I was proud of, the part of me
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Speaker 3: that graduated Cme Laute from Columbia University and wrote six
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Speaker 3: books and all of these accolades and accomplishments. But I
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Speaker 3: sure didn't have a very healthy relationship with the parts
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Speaker 3: of me that were insecure, terrified you'd reject me, never
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Speaker 3: felt good enough. And my job then became to what
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Speaker 3: would it take to love all parts of me? You
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Speaker 3: know equally? That's what I wanted in a partner, But
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Speaker 3: how on earth could I ask for that if I
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Speaker 3: wasn't being that myself. So that's been my journey to
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Speaker 3: instead of keep seeking the one finding the one, instead
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Speaker 3: become the one, become the one, and be that for myself.
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Speaker 2: Where do you think the foundation of those insecurities came from?
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Speaker 3: Well, I don't know anyone on the planet. Maybe you've
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Speaker 3: met them, but I sure haven't. Who've never been hurt,
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Speaker 3: who've never been betrayed, who've never been disappointed or let down?
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Speaker 3: All of us have gone through something. Some of us
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Speaker 3: way worse than others. But we have these moments as
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Speaker 3: little ones where we feel abandoned or not important, or
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Speaker 3: downright criticized or abused or hurt, and we create these
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Speaker 3: survival mechanisms, these patterns, these identities that are meant to
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Speaker 3: help us survive, certainly not thrive, but survive. And my
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Speaker 3: job with my clients is to make sure they're not
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Speaker 3: shaming themselves. They're an innocent, limitless soul here on the
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Speaker 3: planet to learn and grow. We're really looking at the
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Speaker 3: pattern that's been created that's repelling the very love and
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Speaker 3: connection and joy that they desire on their own and
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Speaker 3: in intimate relationships.
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Speaker 2: When did you make the decision to become a coach
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Speaker 2: to others? And how did that manifest?
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Speaker 3: You know, it was a funny story, Victor. I was
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Speaker 3: at mess and I just thought I need some help.
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Speaker 3: So I kept going to these different workshops, and the
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Speaker 3: head of all these different workshops kept saying, you know,
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Speaker 3: people just seem to tell you things that they just
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Speaker 3: don't tell others. You have this way about you that's
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Speaker 3: non judgmental, caring, humorous, relatable. Have you ever considered being
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Speaker 3: a coach? And I'm like, no, no, at the time,
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Speaker 3: I had just returned from Japan. I was a model
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Speaker 3: and a dancer and a spokesperson. I never thought I
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Speaker 3: would have the cred, the street cred, to be a coach,
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Speaker 3: but I said, Okay, I'm going to give it a try.
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Speaker 3: And then you know, whenever you go in the direction
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Speaker 3: you're meant to victor, the universe gives you like feedback synchronicities.
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Speaker 3: So one of my very first clients was Lisa Gibbons.
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Speaker 3: She was the host of Extra and I was on
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Speaker 3: her radio show when she got the call to be
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Speaker 3: on Dancing with the Stars and she said, well, I
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Speaker 3: can't do it. I'm turning fifty fifty million people will
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Speaker 3: see my thighs. And I said, well, if that's the
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Speaker 3: reason we're going to do it, don't do it. But
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Speaker 3: what if the reason is to inspire people to live
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Speaker 3: fully and not worry about what people think anymore? Would
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Speaker 3: that be a more heartfelt, joyous reason for you to
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Speaker 3: say yes? And she said, only if you'll be my coach.
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Speaker 3: So that was one of my first signs from the
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Speaker 3: universe that I'm heading in the right direction to support
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Speaker 3: people in this intimate, beautiful way.
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Speaker 2: Wonderful You've authored six books, including Finding the One is Bs,
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Speaker 2: which we had talked about last time. We'll talk a
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Speaker 2: little bit more about that later. Please tell us about
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Speaker 2: your other books and what birth then?
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Speaker 3: Oh, well, the first one birth it was for me.
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Speaker 3: It's called how to Be and Stay Sexy being exactly
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Speaker 3: who you are. And I was a single mom right
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Speaker 3: out of the gate, you know, one year into the
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Speaker 3: marriage and then the divorce, and sexy I did not feel.
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Speaker 3: And I wanted a new definition of sexy, not that
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Speaker 3: performative try to get someone to like you, but the
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Speaker 3: very joy of having a body and sensual pleasures from
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Speaker 3: sipping our coffee, to the sunrise on our cheeks, to
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Speaker 3: the sound of our children's laughter and allow that to
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Speaker 3: awaken my radiance and increase the swing of my hips,
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Speaker 3: and this full self expression. So that's one of them.
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Speaker 3: And following up with that is when Mama's happy, everybody's happy,
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Speaker 3: because again it was wow. That whole thing about putting
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Speaker 3: your oxygen mask on first is real, But how do
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Speaker 3: you really do it when there's so many pressures on you,
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Speaker 3: and especially if you're a single parent, even more pressure
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Speaker 3: is on you. Some other of the books are then
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Speaker 3: I moved over into coaching men, and really I believe
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Speaker 3: that was the Divines way of helping me heal my
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Speaker 3: relationships with men, being in service, being curious, discovering Wow.
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Speaker 3: You know, men's hearts are just the same as women's hearts.
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Speaker 3: We all feel hurt, betrayed, we all experienced heartbreak. So
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Speaker 3: some of those books are how to be a noble Badass,
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Speaker 3: and another one is scoring a relationship turning gifts into
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Speaker 3: experiences that she'll never forget. And then the last one
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Speaker 3: was when I wrote Lockdown Love. It was right when
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Speaker 3: we kind of first met, when the pandemic occurred, and
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Speaker 3: I was quite concerned with people feeling so lonely. They
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Speaker 3: were already lonely and then without the ability to connect.
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Speaker 3: I wanted to be able to support people deepening that
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Speaker 3: intimate relationship with themselves.
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Speaker 2: You know, I could have used your coroaching services about
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Speaker 2: thirty five years ago.
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Speaker 3: Oh you're adorable.
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Speaker 2: I actually grew up with a father who I did
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Speaker 2: not think loved me, and when I was eight years old,
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Speaker 2: a series of illnesses ensued for him and I became
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Speaker 2: part of his caretaking team with my mother. Well, for
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Speaker 2: the first time I felt that he loved me, and
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Speaker 2: that wired in my young mind. If you care for others,
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Speaker 2: you will be loved, which was a pattern that recurred
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Speaker 2: over and over in my life where I was loving
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Speaker 2: and caring for everybody else and not doing the same
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Speaker 2: for myself until I hit my early forties when there
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Speaker 2: were some physical health challenges, which I addressed and recognized
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Speaker 2: that it was okay to reach out to others, but
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Speaker 2: you have to take care of yourself first.
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Speaker 3: Oh what a great I'm sorry, and I'm also inspired
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Speaker 3: that you did the work to discover the root of
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Speaker 3: that behavior and you were able to shift it. A
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Speaker 3: lot of my clients and myself included, was caught in
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Speaker 3: this loop of self less, selfish, self less, selfish, and
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Speaker 3: there didn't seem to be anything else in between. Either
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Speaker 3: our cup runneth over or our cup is empty. And
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Speaker 3: I discovered, just like you just said, when we fill
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Speaker 3: our cup up first self firstness, not selfish or self less,
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Speaker 3: but self firstness. When we really do that in a soulful, loving, tender, compassionate,
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Speaker 3: caring way for ourself, we become our best self. We
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Speaker 3: not only can care for others in a healthy way,
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Speaker 3: but we also have healthy boundaries, and we also have
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Speaker 3: the courage to speak up and communicate those healthy boundaries.
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Speaker 3: That boundaries aren't a screw off go away, they're leaning
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Speaker 3: in with an open heart. Hey, I want to be
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Speaker 3: here and I want to be my best self with you,
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Speaker 3: and what I need in order to do that is
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Speaker 3: to take care of myself first. That's how much you
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Speaker 3: mean to me. It's a game changer.
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Speaker 2: Absolutely. Congratulations on the audio version of your best selling book,
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Speaker 2: Finding the One as BS Becoming the One is brilliant
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Speaker 2: and beautiful for our listeners meeting you for the first time.
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Speaker 2: Tell them what inspired that book?
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Speaker 3: My life, my client's life. I really thought, when I
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Speaker 3: finally found the one and I got chosen, I never
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Speaker 3: even thought about doing any choosing myself. Just as long
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Speaker 3: as I got chosen, then there was a big check mark.
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Speaker 3: I'm finally good enough. And yet that meant I was
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Speaker 3: going to give away my power, sacrifice, be codependent, do
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Speaker 3: anything I could to keep that person. Because the source
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Speaker 3: of my worth was outside in, not inside out. And
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Speaker 3: so those type of relationships were which were my first
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Speaker 3: marriage of my second marriage was all They were a
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Speaker 3: subtle form of manipulation. I'll do whatever you want so
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Speaker 3: you still like me and won't leave me? And it didn't.
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Speaker 3: Neither of them ended very well. So this book is
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Speaker 3: a process. I've actually developed ten alan of prep method
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Speaker 3: processes and I go through I think about six of
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Speaker 3: them in this book of what it really takes to
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Speaker 3: rewire ourselves, just like you express from when your father
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Speaker 3: was ill and the caring you know, how do we
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Speaker 3: care for ourselves if we were taught to sacrifice and
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Speaker 3: give away are very essence to others in order to
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Speaker 3: feel good enough? How do we turn that around? How
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Speaker 3: do we forgive others and forgive ourselves? How do we
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Speaker 3: cultivate that voice to speak from truth? Which is not
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Speaker 3: about sort of bashing people with this new found empowerment
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Speaker 3: that we often get when we're independent. And I've learned
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Speaker 3: I've grown. Screw off. No, that's not going to bring
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Speaker 3: in the connection and intimacy, but I've learned, I've grown,
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Speaker 3: and I want to I want us to thrive together.
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Speaker 3: What would it take for us, what would work for you,
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Speaker 3: what would work for me? What would work for us?
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Speaker 3: How can we both become better? All of these lessons
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Speaker 3: I pour into the book with stories and practices and
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Speaker 3: different worksheets a lot of different resources, so it's kind
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Speaker 3: of like a mini workshop in the book, and most
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Speaker 3: people by the end of it feel a lot more confident,
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Speaker 3: yet with an open heart, stronger vulnerability, and greater trust
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Speaker 3: in the universe.
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Speaker 2: I want to touch upon the expression that you mentioned
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Speaker 2: in the last segment. Here begins with an F, and
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Speaker 2: I'm talking about forgiveness. Is forgiveness always available?
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Speaker 3: Absolutely? And yet I find it generally has to start
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Speaker 3: on the inside. It's, first of all, it's easy to
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Speaker 3: bash and blame others, and then we can twist it
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Speaker 3: and go, wait a minute, what if they were sent
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Speaker 3: as a lesson? Then I can use this statement that
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Speaker 3: has the word forgive right in it, thank you forgiving
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Speaker 3: me this experience of betrayal, of being cheated on, of
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Speaker 3: being abandoned, etc. Because something in me is being invited
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Speaker 3: to wake up. So you lean in and you shift
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Speaker 3: from blame into gratitude for the lesson. Then you get curious, Ah,
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Speaker 3: You're an invitation for me to use my voice. You're
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Speaker 3: an invitation for me to surrender. You're an invitation for
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Speaker 3: me to have healthy boundaries. You're an invitation for me
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Speaker 3: to soften and be curious. Everything is an invitation, and
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Speaker 3: so when you have that experience on the outside first,
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Speaker 3: then you can turn it on the inside and stop
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Speaker 3: blaming yourself, shaming yourself, feeling like like you're broken or wrong,
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Speaker 3: and go, oh, sweet little one, little Victor, little Alana inside,
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Speaker 3: thank you for giving us this experience. As our soul
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Speaker 3: evolves to become more connected on the inside as well,
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Speaker 3: and this oneness, this coherence on the inside allows for oh,
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Speaker 3: great confidence and great liberation and freedom of being exactly
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Speaker 3: who you are.
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Speaker 2: I love the way you phrase the words thank you
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Speaker 2: forgiving me, forgiving me. I think that's wonderful.
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Speaker 3: Thank you. It's a process that one of the worksheets
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Speaker 3: you get with the book is going through this exercise,
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Speaker 3: and it's quite profound for people to be in gratitude.
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Speaker 3: You don't have to go out for coffee with them later,
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Speaker 3: like they don't have to be your best read. But
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Speaker 3: you no longer give your power away to being upset.
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Speaker 3: You can be in gratitude, which lifts your vibration and
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Speaker 3: attracts a whole new reality.
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Speaker 2: Absolutely you say there are five top mistakes that can
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Speaker 2: destroy a conscious relationship. The first is quote you need
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Speaker 2: them what is this mistake and what are the solutions?
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Speaker 3: Sort of alluded to it a little earlier. When we
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Speaker 3: seek our worth, when we seek approval, when we seek
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Speaker 3: safety from the outside in, and that's really how we're miswired.
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Speaker 3: Of course, we would need somebody because we don't know
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Speaker 3: how to source that sense of worth and safety on
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Speaker 3: the inside. It makes us codependent, It makes us manipulators,
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Speaker 3: It makes us give away our power, say yes when
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Speaker 3: we mean no. And so when you're like, WHOA, I
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Speaker 3: don't need them for anything. I prefer certain things. But
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Speaker 3: I can rely on myself to have safety, to have approval,
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Speaker 3: to have kindness, to have patience, to have tenderness, to
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Speaker 3: have strength on the inside. That's how I left being
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Speaker 3: a damsel in distress to being an independent woman. I'd
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Speaker 3: say step one, but it's not the final step. The
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Speaker 3: next step would be interdependent, where we have a healthy
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Speaker 3: sense of need, Like if you reject me, I will
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Speaker 3: not ever reject myself. And I need a hug, I
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Speaker 3: need someone to hear the truth. Would you be willing?
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Speaker 3: Would you be willing to listen? So we move in
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Speaker 3: our evolution of neediness into healthy need.
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Speaker 2: The second of the top five relationship hit parade? Is
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Speaker 2: you wait for mister or missus trustworthy? Why does this backfire?
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Speaker 2: And who should we put our trust in ourselves?
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Speaker 3: Because have you ever like you can't control anybody? And
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Speaker 3: everybody's human last time I checked, or except for disclosure day.
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Speaker 3: I suppose there might be some aliens as well, But
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Speaker 3: for this conversation to put so much pressure on another
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Speaker 3: to be perfect so that you'll never be heard again
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Speaker 3: is insane. And so what we want to do is
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Speaker 3: trust ourselves that we can get back up again. Trust
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Speaker 3: ourselves that we can speak up even when we're scared.
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Speaker 3: Trust ourselves that we can open our heart when we
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Speaker 3: want to close it and run out of the room.
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Speaker 3: Trust ourselves that we can just you know, zip it
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Speaker 3: with our mouth and have two ears one mouth, listen
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Speaker 3: more and get curious about what it's like for the other.
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Speaker 3: And so yes, let go of this lofty, insane goal
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Speaker 3: of somebody being perfectly trustworthy and instead let them be
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Speaker 3: human and trust in yourself.
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Speaker 2: Listen twice, speak once right absolutely. The third mistake makes
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Speaker 2: me cringe as I read it, hitting below the belt.
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Speaker 2: What happens during this knee jerk reaction and how may
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Speaker 2: this be avoided.
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Speaker 3: Oh, I know, I'm sorry, don't mean to make you cringe, Victor,
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Speaker 3: but but the idea, I'm really glad you said that,
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Speaker 3: because very few of us slow down to really realize
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Speaker 3: the impact of our words, of our emasculation, when we're
18:19
Speaker 3: really speaking with the intention to be cruel, to kill
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Speaker 3: them off before they kill us, to hurt, to have vengeance.
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Speaker 3: And of course when we're doing that, we're not in
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Speaker 3: our heart, We're probably not even in our body. We're
18:32
Speaker 3: probably in an amygdala fight or flight or freeze or fawn.
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Speaker 3: We're probably freaking out, and yet we still don't condone
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Speaker 3: that behavior. We learn to say, I need to take
18:43
Speaker 3: a twenty minute walk around the block, and I will
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Speaker 3: return and we'll discuss this when I'm calm and coherent
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Speaker 3: and in the prefrontal cortex and the best part of
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Speaker 3: my wise brain. Because if we hit below the belt,
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Speaker 3: you can't take that back, and little by little, expect
19:00
Speaker 3: and trust is broken, and it's very difficult to ever mend.
19:06
Speaker 3: You might have watched this growing up, but it's your
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Speaker 3: job to stop that ancestral lineage trend of hurting another
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Speaker 3: thinking that's actually going to create connection, safety or trust.
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Speaker 2: I think of someone deliberately hurting someone else and then
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Speaker 2: walking away permanently from it.
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Speaker 3: Well, that's taking zero ownership, and you're going to get
19:28
Speaker 3: lonelier and lonelier because fewer people are ever going to
19:32
Speaker 3: want to be with you. And then guess who's the
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Speaker 3: one You're going to be bashing at night, all by yourself, yourself,
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Speaker 3: and that leads to depression, suicidal ideations, all these things.
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Speaker 3: So we want to get a handle on it and
19:44
Speaker 3: realize you have a choice. Yes it's a habit. Yes
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Speaker 3: it might be inspired by trauma from the past. We
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Speaker 3: can heal all of this. We want to take ownership
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Speaker 3: without self judgment, do the deepener work, be kind to self,
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Speaker 3: and then you can be kinder to others.
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Speaker 2: Fourth on your list is you become a know it all?
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Speaker 2: What should we know? And why?
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Speaker 3: Well, what I find and I mean, I'm an ivy
20:10
Speaker 3: league grad. I love my sweet brain. However, studies have
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Speaker 3: shown that our conscious mind, what we know, what we believe,
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Speaker 3: what we can remember, is very small, five to eight
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Speaker 3: percent of what's actually going on when we go. It's
20:23
Speaker 3: sort of like an iceberg under the water. You know,
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Speaker 3: about ninety five percent we is what's actually going on
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Speaker 3: are subconscious beliefs. Unconscious beliefs, beliefs that live in the body,
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Speaker 3: by the way you feel when you're in certain situations.
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Speaker 3: And so people that aren't willing to slow down and
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Speaker 3: feel their emotions and integrate them, heal their traumas, stay
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Speaker 3: in their body. They leave their body and they go
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Speaker 3: into their head and they become know it alls. And
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Speaker 3: they might have all the language and they've read all
20:54
Speaker 3: the books, but they're not in their body, they're not
20:57
Speaker 3: in their heart, they're not connected. We still don't trust
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Speaker 3: them because they're just a spinning mind trying to control
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Speaker 3: the situation by being smarter. It does not lead to connection.
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Speaker 3: It leads to righteousness, superior, inferior right and wrong, which
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Speaker 3: leads to separation, not connection.
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Speaker 2: Absolutely. I'm going to leave number five For the next segment.
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Speaker 2: My guest is Alana Pratt. We're talking about her book
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Speaker 2: Finding the One as bs Becoming the One is brilliant
21:27
Speaker 2: and beautiful. Alana, please share with our listeners your website
21:30
Speaker 2: and where they can get all of your books and
21:32
Speaker 2: what you offer on your website.
21:34
Speaker 3: Well, thank you. My website is my name, Alana Pratt,
21:36
Speaker 3: all A Na pr Att. You can find all of
21:41
Speaker 3: my books there and a way to connect one on
21:43
Speaker 3: one in what's called an intimacy breakthrough experience.
21:46
Speaker 2: Call and we'll be back with more of a Lana
21:48
Speaker 2: after these words. On the own Times Radio.
21:51
Speaker 5: Network, the Cutting Edge of Conscious Radio. Ome Times Radio IOMFM.
21:57
Speaker 5: Ome Times Magazine is one of the leading online content
22:00
Speaker 5: providers of positivity, wellness, and personal empowerment. A philanthropic organization,
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Speaker 5: their net proceeds are funnled to support worldwide charity initiatives
22:10
Speaker 5: via Humanity Healing International. Through their commitment to creating community
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Speaker 5: and providing conscious content, they aspire to uplift humanity on
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Speaker 5: a global scale. Home Times co creating a more conscious lifestyle.
22:24
Speaker 4: This is Kathy Biele, host of Celestial Compass featuring astrology.
22:29
Speaker 4: You can use Celestial Compass points you to what's going
22:33
Speaker 4: on in the sky and what you can do with
22:35
Speaker 4: it down here on Earth. We also explore fun, effective
22:39
Speaker 4: and cosmic tools for navigating this adventure we call life.
22:44
Speaker 4: Join me the first and third Monday of the month
22:47
Speaker 4: at five pm Eastern Time for a Celestial Compass its enlightening, entertaining,
22:52
Speaker 4: and empowering.
22:54
Speaker 6: We ask parents to share their journey of adopting teens.
22:58
Speaker 7: They change who I am because I can't see life
23:01
Speaker 7: without them in it.
23:02
Speaker 6: Visit adopt us Kids dot org to learn more. Brought
23:05
Speaker 6: to you by adopt Us Kids, the US Department of
23:07
Speaker 6: Health and Human Services, and the AD Council.
23:10
Speaker 7: Let's breathe deep in Hell, extend your spine, excel very slowly.
23:18
Speaker 7: Find mental health resources at lovedormind Today dot org. This
23:21
Speaker 7: message is brought to you by the Huntsman Mental Health
23:23
Speaker 7: Institute and the AD Council.
23:26
Speaker 2: Back on Blocks Novus. My guest this week is Alna Prett.
23:30
Speaker 2: We're talking about her book Finding The One Is bs
23:33
Speaker 2: Becoming The One Is Brilliant and beautiful along with all
23:36
Speaker 2: of her amazing work, We're talking about all of these things.
23:39
Speaker 2: So number five, you hide your truth? Who is being
23:44
Speaker 2: deceived when the truth is hidden?
23:48
Speaker 3: Everyone everyone involved? I think one of it and it's
23:52
Speaker 3: still something I struggle with her. I face Victor. There's
23:56
Speaker 3: still a part of me that questions, will all of
23:59
Speaker 3: me be loved? Do I need to like hide something
24:03
Speaker 3: like there's something I'm sure that's too much, not enough?
24:06
Speaker 3: And I think, Wow, if I'm absolutely unleashed and my
24:10
Speaker 3: pure authentic tears, my pure, authentic rapture, my goofy dorkey,
24:17
Speaker 3: my insecure like there's got to be something that they're
24:20
Speaker 3: going to reject, so I'll withhold my truth. But then
24:24
Speaker 3: it's like, you know, seventy or eighty or ninety percent
24:27
Speaker 3: of me shows up, and I wonder why only seventy
24:30
Speaker 3: eighty or ninety percent of them shows up? And I'm
24:33
Speaker 3: feeling the disconnection. I'm feeling the lack of intimacy. I'm
24:37
Speaker 3: feeling we're just playing it safe and both people lose.
24:41
Speaker 3: And so the brave choice is first to tell the
24:45
Speaker 3: truth to yourself. Imagine like a little you is sitting
24:48
Speaker 3: there telling the truth. Hopefully you will not hit them
24:52
Speaker 3: with a two by four and shove them in the closet.
24:54
Speaker 3: Hopefully you will say, wow, that's so brave of you
24:57
Speaker 3: to say, tell me more. Hopefully you'll scoop them up
25:00
Speaker 3: on your lap and give them a hug if they're scared,
25:02
Speaker 3: or give them a high five if you want to
25:04
Speaker 3: celebrate them. If we cultivate a relationship of truth with ourself,
25:10
Speaker 3: it's more it's easier to then be in a relationship
25:13
Speaker 3: and take that deep breath, even be honest and say, Wow,
25:16
Speaker 3: I'm going to say something kind of wobbly right now.
25:18
Speaker 3: I'm a little nervous of what you're going to think.
25:20
Speaker 3: It's okay to be real. It's actually how we invite
25:25
Speaker 3: empathy from others is by being authentic and share your
25:29
Speaker 3: deepest truth. That way, there's something inside that rests. Oh
25:33
Speaker 3: my god, I was real and they didn't reject me. Wow,
25:37
Speaker 3: we've just built an even stronger foundation together. Otherwise, I
25:41
Speaker 3: just noticed that people become two ships passing in the night,
25:45
Speaker 3: kind of fake roommates, and they have that glazed look
25:48
Speaker 3: in their eyes. They're lonely. They're lonely for truth in
25:52
Speaker 3: themselves and with another Yeah.
25:55
Speaker 2: We talked in the first segment about healthy boundaries. My
25:58
Speaker 2: personal experience growing up with that image of my dad
26:02
Speaker 2: and being able to reawaken or awaken to the fact
26:06
Speaker 2: that I had to care for myself and have healthy boundaries.
26:09
Speaker 2: It generated me a poem called the Healing Power of No.
26:12
Speaker 2: Can I share that with you? I would love that
26:15
Speaker 2: a time comes for choosing rather than losing the essence
26:20
Speaker 2: that makes us so and in the bestowing. There's power
26:24
Speaker 2: in knowing the freedom that comes with no. When said
26:29
Speaker 2: with compassion, not angry in fashion and letting the self
26:33
Speaker 2: love flow. There's a sense of renewing and deep soul
26:37
Speaker 2: imbuing the awareness that comes with no, so with gentle
26:42
Speaker 2: voice and the power of choice and the courage to
26:46
Speaker 2: make it so. I'm still here, my friends. There's no
26:50
Speaker 2: means in this end, just the healing that comes with.
26:55
Speaker 3: No brilliant you're quite a talent, Victor. Thank you for
26:59
Speaker 3: sharing that.
27:00
Speaker 2: Thank you. I've been writing poetry since I was a kid,
27:02
Speaker 2: and wow, it's my way of expressing things. And I
27:05
Speaker 2: call it the soulary. It comes from the soul.
27:07
Speaker 3: It comes from for sure. I can hear your soul
27:11
Speaker 3: in that. Thank you.
27:13
Speaker 2: What do you say to someone who says I'm never
27:17
Speaker 2: going to find the one, or women who say there's
27:21
Speaker 2: no good men out there?
27:23
Speaker 3: It's so cute, it's very common, and I'm going to
27:27
Speaker 3: call it a like a bypass, like a spiritual bypass.
27:31
Speaker 3: It's a safe thing to say, because underneath it, if
27:35
Speaker 3: you actually creaked that door open, maybe there is one
27:39
Speaker 3: good man out there, or maybe the one is out there.
27:45
Speaker 3: You're going to have to risk something. You're going to
27:47
Speaker 3: have to risk getting hurt again. I think there is
27:51
Speaker 3: a lie in the personal growth world, a misunderstanding that
27:55
Speaker 3: if you do enough personal growth, you'll never get hurt again.
27:59
Speaker 3: I know believe that, I believe that one thing you
28:03
Speaker 3: can count on are ruptures in relationship. Yet so few
28:07
Speaker 3: of us have been trained, cultivated into how to repair
28:12
Speaker 3: a rupture, so we get so scared of getting hurt
28:15
Speaker 3: again we make these I'm going to call them excuses
28:17
Speaker 3: that there's no good men or all women, or gold
28:19
Speaker 3: diggers or blah blah blah, as a way to protect
28:22
Speaker 3: that wounded little one who's afraid if I get hurt
28:26
Speaker 3: one more time, I think I'm gonna die. And so
28:30
Speaker 3: what actually dies is the lie. What dies is the misunderstanding.
28:34
Speaker 3: What dies is the survival mechanism, the identity, the mask
28:38
Speaker 3: you're wearing that's a way love. So indeed, something will die,
28:44
Speaker 3: but it will be reborn into a person with a
28:48
Speaker 3: capacity to be hurt and not check out, not lash out,
28:54
Speaker 3: not blame yourself, not blame the other. But I call
28:58
Speaker 3: it sit in the fire. It's one of my Alanna
29:00
Speaker 3: prep method processes. Learned to sit in the discomfort, sit
29:03
Speaker 3: in the fire of I'm hurt and just breathe. In fact,
29:07
Speaker 3: I had a relationship once Victor, where the gentleman I
29:10
Speaker 3: was dating. He was amazing in a lot of ways,
29:13
Speaker 3: but present not so present, and he ended up selling
29:17
Speaker 3: my Christmas present. But there were tickets to a concert
29:21
Speaker 3: that I really wanted to go to, but he got
29:23
Speaker 3: a gig and he sold the tickets so he could
29:25
Speaker 3: say yes to the gig, and I was devastated. But Victor,
29:28
Speaker 3: until I had practiced what I'm speaking of right now,
29:31
Speaker 3: I would react by saying why why did you do that?
29:34
Speaker 3: How could you? Which made him feel defensive. Or I'd
29:37
Speaker 3: walk out of the house screaming and crying and pout
29:40
Speaker 3: and all the rest of it. That didn't work either.
29:42
Speaker 3: But that day I just sat in the fire. I
29:43
Speaker 3: closed my eyes and I felt the hurt, which is
29:47
Speaker 3: inevitable in every relationship. At some point I felt it
29:50
Speaker 3: and I said devastated, and I felt my feelings until
29:54
Speaker 3: devastated turned into oh, worthless, I feel like I'm not important,
29:57
Speaker 3: I'm worthless. I still kept my eyes closed, and then
30:01
Speaker 3: I said, oh, I get it. You just forgot I
30:05
Speaker 3: forgive you. And when I opened my eyes, he was
30:08
Speaker 3: down on his knees and he was crying. He didn't
30:11
Speaker 3: realize the cost of him not being present to the
30:15
Speaker 3: people who really mattered to him. He was more interested
30:18
Speaker 3: in spinning so fast, accomplishing and achieving and looking good
30:21
Speaker 3: and doing all it, doing it right. He missed me,
30:25
Speaker 3: I missed us, and we completed the relationship, but not
30:29
Speaker 3: with cruelty, with a real understanding of this is what
30:33
Speaker 3: I need. I'm learning how to be important to myself
30:37
Speaker 3: and I need a partner who makes me a priority
30:40
Speaker 3: on a regular basis.
30:43
Speaker 2: You had mentioned your experience with the D word divorce.
30:47
Speaker 2: Is it possible for someone to successfully love again after
30:52
Speaker 2: a divorce?
30:53
Speaker 4: For sure?
30:54
Speaker 3: I mean, we have so many breakups, so many letdowns.
30:57
Speaker 3: It's like, can you get a job again after getting
30:59
Speaker 3: fired once? Of course you can. You know, can you
31:02
Speaker 3: lose five pounds after eating the cake again? Of course
31:05
Speaker 3: you can. We all can grow, we all can learn.
31:08
Speaker 3: And in fact, I think, if you do the work
31:13
Speaker 3: and you really go wow that my ex is such
31:17
Speaker 3: a master spiritual teacher in my evolution as a human.
31:21
Speaker 3: If you really do the work, thank you for giving
31:24
Speaker 3: me the experience of leaving me being cheated on, whatever
31:28
Speaker 3: the reason, and you grow, You're actually going to have
31:31
Speaker 3: more love, deeper connection, more authenticity, more rapturous, sacred sex.
31:38
Speaker 3: It's going to be better because you're more. So take
31:42
Speaker 3: divorce not as like a bad word, but as a
31:45
Speaker 3: wake up call to come home to yourself, love yourself,
31:48
Speaker 3: heal yourself, empower yourself. And then not that divorcees need
31:53
Speaker 3: to marry divorces. But if you find someone else who's
31:56
Speaker 3: also been doing the work, whether they've been married before
31:58
Speaker 3: or not, taking workshops, working with coaches, listening to shows
32:03
Speaker 3: like this, you're going to have someone to practice with
32:06
Speaker 3: on those days where you're both going to step on
32:09
Speaker 3: each other's toes. But they don't turn away. They can
32:12
Speaker 3: take ownership, same with you, and you grow closer over time.
32:16
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, to me, that's worth it. That is
32:19
Speaker 3: worth it.
32:20
Speaker 2: You share that being alone versus lonely is a make
32:25
Speaker 2: or break distinction for finding the one. Please explain.
32:30
Speaker 3: Yeah, if we can't be in our own aloneness, if
32:34
Speaker 3: we spin in our head, if we can't be with
32:36
Speaker 3: our feelings, if we turn to social media, drugs, alcohol, whatever,
32:40
Speaker 3: because we can't be with that little you inside who's alone,
32:45
Speaker 3: we will once we get into a relationship, we will
32:47
Speaker 3: give away our power, money, body, whatever. In order to
32:52
Speaker 3: keep that person, we will manipulate and allow ourselves to
32:55
Speaker 3: be manipulated unless we can find peace in our line.
33:01
Speaker 3: And on the other side of feeling scared, feeling depressed,
33:05
Speaker 3: feeling not good enough, whatever, shame, whatever's in there that's
33:09
Speaker 3: make that you're resisting by not being alone, I would
33:12
Speaker 3: recommend doing it with a coach, a talented therapist, someone
33:17
Speaker 3: who can support you and be with you and guide
33:20
Speaker 3: you as you feel these uncomfortable feelings. I promise you
33:23
Speaker 3: it is a one hundred percent guaranteed every client I've
33:26
Speaker 3: ever worked with and me. On the other side of
33:29
Speaker 3: difficult emotions is peace, wholeness. And here's the main thing, wisdom.
33:35
Speaker 3: There's wisdom. There is a lesson in why you felt
33:38
Speaker 3: so scared to be alone. There's a lesson of why
33:42
Speaker 3: you didn't feel good enough because no one was around
33:45
Speaker 3: praising you or keeping you distracted. There's a lesson. And
33:50
Speaker 3: when you integrate the motion, not only is there peace
33:53
Speaker 3: and combat, there's a wisdom and then from there you
33:55
Speaker 3: can take elegant action on how to empower yourself more
34:00
Speaker 3: into a stronger person so that you're in a relationship
34:03
Speaker 3: because you choose to, not because you're scared to be alone.
34:07
Speaker 2: I read a study that says there's a loneliness epidemic
34:11
Speaker 2: in our country right now. Would you address that for me?
34:15
Speaker 3: What I see is that we're lonely sitting right beside
34:18
Speaker 3: someone because we're not being real and authentic. Our hearts
34:23
Speaker 3: are closed, not open. We're spinning in our head. We're
34:25
Speaker 3: not grounded in our body. We haven't practiced asking for
34:29
Speaker 3: what we want, risking rejection. We don't know how to
34:33
Speaker 3: integrate the wounds inside of our body, and so we're
34:37
Speaker 3: lonely for our own groundedness, lonely for our own truth.
34:42
Speaker 3: We're lonely for our own holding on the inside, little
34:46
Speaker 3: Alana or little Victor on the inside saying hey, I
34:49
Speaker 3: got you. You have every right to feel this. I'm
34:52
Speaker 3: not going anywhere, and I'm not going to try to
34:55
Speaker 3: give you advice and tell you you should be happy
34:57
Speaker 3: all the time. I'm going to practice loving you you
35:00
Speaker 3: just as much when you're scared or sad or mad
35:04
Speaker 3: or lonely as I do when you're knocking it out
35:06
Speaker 3: of the park and you're super successful. That connection to self,
35:12
Speaker 3: listening to our body honoring our feelings, not trying to
35:15
Speaker 3: make them go away. When we can be that, then
35:18
Speaker 3: we can share that with another and we can no
35:23
Speaker 3: longer be lonely in a relationship and no longer be
35:26
Speaker 3: lonely by ourselves, and we can really, in my opinion,
35:30
Speaker 3: dissolve the negative aspects of the patriarchy, where boys shouldn't
35:35
Speaker 3: cry and they shouldn't be vulnerable, which is the antithesis
35:38
Speaker 3: of intimacy, and a woman should just you know, put
35:42
Speaker 3: up with it and not have the safety and the
35:45
Speaker 3: intimacy she requires either. And then of course it trickles
35:48
Speaker 3: down to the kids. So we're really shifting an entire
35:51
Speaker 3: way of being on this planet into a more relational, meaningful, brave, honest, vulntulnerable,
36:00
Speaker 3: transparent way of being with ourself, with each other, with
36:03
Speaker 3: our kids, with our friends. That's my whole reason I
36:06
Speaker 3: get up every day Victor twenty years as an intimacy expert.
36:09
Speaker 3: This to me is such a foundational capacity to turn
36:13
Speaker 3: this world into a world where it's safer for everyone
36:16
Speaker 3: to be who they are.
36:17
Speaker 2: When I grew up in the late sixties and early seventies,
36:21
Speaker 2: there was no social media, There were no cell phones,
36:24
Speaker 2: no Internet. No Internet, absolutely no Internet or no Internet
36:28
Speaker 2: that people had access to. There was Internet on various levels,
36:31
Speaker 2: but not through common people, regular folks. Right, what is this?
36:35
Speaker 2: What is this done to relationships?
36:39
Speaker 3: Well, on the one hand, I have clients and I
36:43
Speaker 3: answer people's questions and I do interviews with people all
36:47
Speaker 3: over this planet who I would never meet. I remember
36:50
Speaker 3: walking into a restaurant on this little island off the
36:53
Speaker 3: Isle of Rasi. It was called off the Isle of
36:55
Speaker 3: Sky in Scotland, called the Isle of Rasei. One hundred
36:58
Speaker 3: and thirty five people. Victor, the chef, comes out of
37:01
Speaker 3: the kitchen and he says, are you Alana Pratt? I said, yes,
37:03
Speaker 3: I've made a reservation. He goes, no, no, no, I follow
37:05
Speaker 3: you on YouTube and then we had a nice little chat.
37:10
Speaker 3: So like those crazy, amazing moments would never happen without
37:15
Speaker 3: the Internet, technology, etc. We're able to be more connected
37:19
Speaker 3: in that way. However, the other side, because I believe
37:22
Speaker 3: in life there's always equal pleasure and pain, equal joy
37:26
Speaker 3: and sorrow. This world has duality. So the other side
37:30
Speaker 3: of technology is I go out for dinner or out
37:33
Speaker 3: to a coffee shop, or out for lunch with a friend.
37:35
Speaker 3: I can't tell you how many people are sitting with
37:37
Speaker 3: another human not talking they're on their phone, or a family,
37:42
Speaker 3: a whole family, everyone's on their phone, and it almost well,
37:45
Speaker 3: sometimes it does make me cry. I think, oh my god,
37:49
Speaker 3: there's so many curious questions you could ask. There's so
37:53
Speaker 3: much practicing of being a deep listener who doesn't interrupt.
37:56
Speaker 3: There's so much of this feeling of belonging and mattering
38:00
Speaker 3: that happens when you actually talk to another human and
38:04
Speaker 3: you get off your phone. So I like to focus
38:07
Speaker 3: more on the positive parts and then really have some
38:10
Speaker 3: structures in place of like no phone when we're having
38:13
Speaker 3: a meal, none dinner table, no phones, and no phones,
38:18
Speaker 3: you know at night in bed, you know, just meditation.
38:22
Speaker 3: But I have to be sure if I put these
38:25
Speaker 3: structures in otherwise I get addicted to it too and
38:28
Speaker 3: it doesn't support my best self.
38:31
Speaker 2: That word listen is so important in our world today,
38:34
Speaker 2: isn't it?
38:36
Speaker 3: And I thank you it is. And it's really hard
38:39
Speaker 3: when you're not at peace on the inside to listen
38:43
Speaker 3: because again, you have to be right. You've got to
38:46
Speaker 3: get your word in. You've got to be sure you
38:48
Speaker 3: dominate the conversation. You need to be sure, they get it.
38:50
Speaker 3: They understand you, like there's this attachment to the outside
38:54
Speaker 3: which doesn't allow us to listen. And I'll tell you
38:57
Speaker 3: this last story when we last talked six years ago.
39:02
Speaker 3: I think it's the beginning of when my son stopped
39:05
Speaker 3: talking to me for six and a half years and
39:08
Speaker 3: not a text, victor nothing. And finally when he came back,
39:15
Speaker 3: let's just say there was a lot of someone else's
39:17
Speaker 3: point of view that got put into his brain not
39:20
Speaker 3: having me around, and it was atrocious to hear how
39:23
Speaker 3: everything was my fault and full court press blaming me
39:27
Speaker 3: for everything, and I was just devastating. I was literally
39:31
Speaker 3: crying in a park with him as he was telling
39:32
Speaker 3: me his point of view about the last six and
39:35
Speaker 3: a half years and my capacity to listen. Not On
39:39
Speaker 3: day one, I cried a lot, had a little too
39:41
Speaker 3: much wine to drink, call my girlfriends. I was a mess.
39:44
Speaker 3: Second day I called my healers and my coaches, and
39:47
Speaker 3: they're like, you need to own this. He can't hear
39:51
Speaker 3: you until you own this. I go, you want me
39:53
Speaker 3: to own lies?
39:55
Speaker 4: Yep.
39:57
Speaker 3: So the next day I said, I don't remember everything
40:00
Speaker 3: that went down. It was a really tough time. However,
40:03
Speaker 3: I one hundred percent own everything I did to hurt you.
40:08
Speaker 3: Oh it makes me cry still and I'm so sorry.
40:11
Speaker 8: Now.
40:11
Speaker 3: That ability to listen and take ownership of things I
40:17
Speaker 3: didn't even do, and let him be right and let
40:21
Speaker 3: me be love, crack the program, Crack the lives. We're
40:27
Speaker 3: starting to rebuild. He's starting to get curious. So the
40:30
Speaker 3: power of listening and not reacting can literally change the
40:34
Speaker 3: trajectory of your life and your relationships.
40:38
Speaker 2: Absolutely, my guest, Alana Pratt, we're talking about the audio
40:42
Speaker 2: version of her best selling book Finding The One is
40:45
Speaker 2: bs Becoming The One is brilliant and beautiful. We'll be
40:49
Speaker 2: back with more after these words on the Own Times
40:52
Speaker 2: Radio network.
40:55
Speaker 9: Humanity Healing International is a small nonprofit with a big dream.
41:00
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41:25
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Speaker 10: So I'm a cat and I just moved in with
42:10
Speaker 10: this new human and she's got this little toy she's
42:12
Speaker 10: always playing with all day long. Tap tap tap tap
42:15
Speaker 10: blue bloop. She can't put it down there it is.
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Speaker 10: showed up Like magic, humans have cool toys.
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Speaker 6: A person is the best thing to happen to A
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42:38
Speaker 3: As veterans, we're no strangers to helping others.
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Speaker 2: That's what we were taught service before self.
42:44
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Speaker 2: When is the last time you reached out for help?
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Speaker 8: Reach, brought to you by the United States Department of
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Speaker 8: Veteran's Affairs and the AD Council.
43:09
Speaker 2: Back on Vox Novus. My guest this week is Alna Pratt.
43:13
Speaker 2: We're talking about her best selling book Finding The One
43:16
Speaker 2: is bs Becoming The One is Brilliant and Beautiful, which
43:20
Speaker 2: is now in an audio format. Alana, what does it
43:24
Speaker 2: mean to find the balance between push pull when pursuing
43:29
Speaker 2: a new relationship?
43:31
Speaker 3: Hmm, such a fun question. I love to dance, Victor.
43:34
Speaker 3: I've been a dancer since I was five, even a
43:36
Speaker 3: professional dancer in my twenties, and there is this elegance
43:42
Speaker 3: where it's not really one person pushing all the time,
43:46
Speaker 3: and then the other person pushes back, and one leads
43:49
Speaker 3: and one follows. There's this third space that happens after
43:53
Speaker 3: you practice a little of the push and pull. It's
43:55
Speaker 3: like a third entity, like a third energy, where there's
44:00
Speaker 3: a flow, where there's authenticity, where there's honesty. And so
44:05
Speaker 3: in a relationship, when you when you desire something, you
44:09
Speaker 3: can ask when when it's time to praise, give a compliment,
44:14
Speaker 3: when it's time to be vulnerable, be brave and open up.
44:19
Speaker 3: And so when I when I allow people to, I
44:21
Speaker 3: give them this little dowel actually to hold like a
44:24
Speaker 3: like a stick of wood. And first one pushes, and
44:27
Speaker 3: then the experience what that is, and the other pushes
44:30
Speaker 3: and they experience that, and then nobody pushes. And to
44:32
Speaker 3: watch them literally dance around the room, exploring the unknown,
44:37
Speaker 3: dancing with the mystery. It's a it's a way of respect,
44:41
Speaker 3: it's a way of listening to truth, and it's a
44:43
Speaker 3: way of receiving another's truth.
44:44
Speaker 2: It's quite exquisite you share that your body knows the
44:48
Speaker 2: truth that your mind is still arguing about. How may
44:52
Speaker 2: an embodied approach work in both healing hurts and moving forward?
44:57
Speaker 3: Yes, so many times we spin in our mind to
45:01
Speaker 3: be safe so we don't feel a feeling. But if
45:04
Speaker 3: we just stop talking and we close our eyes and
45:07
Speaker 3: maybe we put our hand on our body, maybe it's
45:10
Speaker 3: your heart is feeling quite tense and closed. Maybe your
45:13
Speaker 3: solar plexus is all feeling nauseous. Maybe women were having
45:19
Speaker 3: a permakeegel moment, or we're just scrunching all up. Maybe
45:22
Speaker 3: it's your forehead. Maybe you're furrowing your brow. Maybe your
45:25
Speaker 3: shoulders are a little up about an inch closer to
45:28
Speaker 3: your ears. If you slow down and feel your body,
45:31
Speaker 3: your body is responding to something that your mind is
45:35
Speaker 3: trying to talk yourself into or out of, or bypass
45:38
Speaker 3: completely breathe, go into your body, put a hand on
45:42
Speaker 3: that area of your body and be curious, Hey, sweet shoulders,
45:46
Speaker 3: what's going on? What emotion are you holding? You'll get
45:50
Speaker 3: better over time, and soon you'll be able to hear
45:54
Speaker 3: the wisdom of your body in those body sensations, like
45:57
Speaker 3: there's a burden, My shoulders are burdening something. What are
46:02
Speaker 3: you shouldering? Sometimes people who are nauseous in their stomach,
46:05
Speaker 3: What is it that you're having trouble digesting? What's hard
46:09
Speaker 3: to stomach about your life right now? In the forehead,
46:12
Speaker 3: what are you trying to figure out? What are you
46:14
Speaker 3: trying to stay three steps ahead of because you're feeling
46:16
Speaker 3: what feeling is in there? Oh, terror underneath the figuring
46:21
Speaker 3: it out, terror got it. So I help people through
46:24
Speaker 3: somatic processing to feel what's held in their body, that
46:29
Speaker 3: their mind is spinning a million miles an hour trying
46:32
Speaker 3: to run away from And it takes bravery, and it
46:36
Speaker 3: happens quite quickly. Thirty sixty seconds, ninety seconds tops. The
46:40
Speaker 3: emotion that's held in the body will come up, be felt,
46:45
Speaker 3: and then it will pass all of its own accord.
46:47
Speaker 3: So get out of the way, trust body, allow body,
46:50
Speaker 3: and on the other side, sometimes the next emotion comes
46:53
Speaker 3: up quite often when someone has anger underneath, that is
46:57
Speaker 3: anguish underneath, that is sorrow underneath, that is allowance underneath,
47:04
Speaker 3: that is peace. So in a coaching session, very quickly
47:09
Speaker 3: by getting out of the strategic mind trying to figure
47:12
Speaker 3: it out, let go of trying to understand, and dropping
47:16
Speaker 3: into the body, such wisdom, such bravery, such courage is
47:21
Speaker 3: in the body. And as I said before, when we
47:23
Speaker 3: get to the other side of an emotion, the wisdom
47:26
Speaker 3: is there, and sometimes even the gratitude for the difficulty.
47:31
Speaker 3: You can literally have appreciation for who you've become because
47:36
Speaker 3: of going through those hard times. So I encourage everyone
47:39
Speaker 3: listening to honor thy body, Honor thy emotions. Don't stuff
47:44
Speaker 3: them away, don't project them onto others. Have someone professional
47:48
Speaker 3: who can hold space that makes you feel safe, and
47:51
Speaker 3: just discover what's on the other side of these suppressed emotions.
47:55
Speaker 3: It's going to be freedom and liberation. I promise you, beautiful.
47:59
Speaker 2: My wife and I met in our mid to late forties,
48:02
Speaker 2: and my beloved, who writes romance novels among other things,
48:06
Speaker 2: calls this a seasoned romance. What seasonings would you offer
48:11
Speaker 2: to older couples to spice up their relationships.
48:14
Speaker 3: Oh that's such a great question. I love that you
48:17
Speaker 3: guys met in your forties. How fantastic. Oh I love
48:22
Speaker 3: dancing like anywhere, sort of like being an example of
48:28
Speaker 3: this young honeymoon phase, but it's well into the wise
48:31
Speaker 3: years of your courtship. So you say, you're in a
48:34
Speaker 3: restaurant and a great song comes on. You're not going
48:38
Speaker 3: to hurt anybody by getting up and just slow dancing
48:42
Speaker 3: right there at the table, or dance in the car,
48:45
Speaker 3: or maybe you're on the airplane and a good song
48:48
Speaker 3: comes on, like just a little bit of shimming your shoulders,
48:52
Speaker 3: like letting your body express the joy of being alive.
48:56
Speaker 3: The beauty of feeling alive, your love for your partner.
49:01
Speaker 3: And some people who are a little more conservative might
49:05
Speaker 3: shun you or what have you. But most of the people,
49:08
Speaker 3: some people might even join you. I remember once Victor
49:12
Speaker 3: on my honeymoon with my first husband. He was checking
49:16
Speaker 3: in and there was sort of like a lounge area
49:18
Speaker 3: by the check in and this really good song by
49:21
Speaker 3: the Fuji's killing me softly with his song came on
49:25
Speaker 3: and I'm like, I love this song, and he's like,
49:27
Speaker 3: don't and I'm like, I'm gonna And I went down
49:30
Speaker 3: into the lobby and I started dancing, and by the
49:33
Speaker 3: time he'd finished checking in, I was dancing with I
49:36
Speaker 3: don't know, maybe ten or twelve people. It was so
49:39
Speaker 3: fun to be alive and express the joy of music
49:43
Speaker 3: and our bodies together. So I say, go for it.
49:46
Speaker 2: Wonderful. We have a lot of conscious listeners. This is
49:49
Speaker 2: Home Times radio is called conscious radio. What are some
49:52
Speaker 2: ways that conscious couples may improve their communication.
49:58
Speaker 3: There is a practice called diads dyad. I didn't make
50:01
Speaker 3: it up. I was taught it over twenty five years ago.
50:04
Speaker 3: One person asks a question, tell me something you like
50:06
Speaker 3: about me. The other person answers hmmm, your smile. The
50:10
Speaker 3: original person says thank you, and that's it, and then
50:14
Speaker 3: you switch. Then you can move on to questions like
50:17
Speaker 3: tell me something you think we align on, especially if
50:20
Speaker 3: you're feeling like you're two ships sailing in the night
50:22
Speaker 3: in opposite directions. It's a good reminder that we're on
50:25
Speaker 3: the same team and we are very much aligned. And
50:28
Speaker 3: again the rules are all you can say is thank you.
50:31
Speaker 3: No interrupting the third question over time can really deepen intimacy.
50:37
Speaker 3: Tell me something you want me to understand that you
50:40
Speaker 3: think I may not fully understand. Tell me a way
50:44
Speaker 3: you like to be touched, tell me something you're afraid
50:48
Speaker 3: to tell me. Tell me away I could love you better.
50:52
Speaker 3: These third questions always start with the first and second,
50:55
Speaker 3: because the first builds affinity and the second builds alignment.
50:59
Speaker 3: You only have to go back and forth, maybe five minutes,
51:01
Speaker 3: five minutes, but give yourself a good twenty thirty minutes
51:04
Speaker 3: for that last question. Set a timer and go back
51:07
Speaker 3: and forth, and again all you get to say is
51:09
Speaker 3: thank you. You will discover things about your partner because
51:14
Speaker 3: of the safety of the container, knowing that they won't
51:17
Speaker 3: be interrupted, and as the speaker. You'll experience a freedom
51:21
Speaker 3: of really being listened to, perhaps more deeply than you
51:25
Speaker 3: do in general at the dinner table or on a date.
51:28
Speaker 3: Really make it a sacred practice. My clients say it's
51:32
Speaker 3: literally saved their marriage, and I encourage people to do
51:36
Speaker 3: it once a week, forty minutes and nothing. There's no
51:40
Speaker 3: elephants in the living room when you're always addressing the
51:42
Speaker 3: elephant every single week and growing closer. And then lastly,
51:48
Speaker 3: it can be about more intimate conversations, but it can
51:51
Speaker 3: also be very sexy conversations. You know, tell me something
51:54
Speaker 3: you like about the way we make love, or how
51:56
Speaker 3: you'd like something else with your your fantasies, So stretch
52:00
Speaker 3: it into sexual realms. You can also stretch it into
52:05
Speaker 3: realms around money, or the kids, or your aging parents,
52:09
Speaker 3: anything that needs to be talked about that might not
52:12
Speaker 3: be going as deeply as you'd like. This is an
52:14
Speaker 3: incredible structure for depth of intimacy.
52:17
Speaker 2: You know, I've seen relationships crumble when one of the
52:20
Speaker 2: partners brings up a past hurt to confront the other.
52:23
Speaker 2: What advice would you offer to someone who has a
52:26
Speaker 2: tendency to do this.
52:28
Speaker 3: That diet is a great, a great structure, because if
52:31
Speaker 3: you keep bringing up the past, you're not in the present.
52:34
Speaker 3: And a deflective way of being, so you don't actually
52:39
Speaker 3: have to sit in your own fire and feel your
52:41
Speaker 3: own feelings. I have a couple that I work with
52:45
Speaker 3: and there was a breach in the drinking agreement. And
52:49
Speaker 3: in the past when this had happened, it wasn't the
52:51
Speaker 3: first time. The dynamic the couple would move into is well,
52:55
Speaker 3: you have to be good enough so I can trust
52:57
Speaker 3: you again and prove it to me, which turned him
53:00
Speaker 3: into a little boy, and her and to the mother,
53:02
Speaker 3: and it just never got any better. And so this
53:05
Speaker 3: next time, instead of that blame and regurgitating the past,
53:09
Speaker 3: I said, let's put this whole trust issue off to
53:12
Speaker 3: the side. What was it that didn't make it safe
53:15
Speaker 3: enough to share right before taking that drink? And maybe
53:20
Speaker 3: both of you have something to do with this. Maybe
53:23
Speaker 3: you the gentleman, needs to be more courageous. And I
53:26
Speaker 3: know your core wound as a child was to get
53:29
Speaker 3: in trouble. If you spoke, you're truth. So this is
53:31
Speaker 3: going to be big and brave. And I know for
53:34
Speaker 3: the woman, for him to share something would make her
53:37
Speaker 3: scared and uncomfortable, and she'd want to fix it, to
53:40
Speaker 3: try it, because her safety was outside in, not inside out.
53:43
Speaker 3: You're going to have to cultivate safety on the inside
53:45
Speaker 3: when you hear uncomfortable news, keep your heart open and
53:48
Speaker 3: stay connected to your partner. So both of them were
53:51
Speaker 3: realizing ninety five percent truths they shared in their marriage,
53:56
Speaker 3: and now they're sharing one hundred percent truths. And isn't
53:59
Speaker 3: it curious the drink has stopped?
54:01
Speaker 2: Wonderful? What would you like readers and now listeners to
54:05
Speaker 2: take away from Finding the One is bs.
54:08
Speaker 3: Oh, well, first, I also want to say yes the
54:09
Speaker 3: book and yes the audiobook. But if you also go
54:11
Speaker 3: to Finding the One Book dot com, there's all these
54:15
Speaker 3: bonuses we've created as well in PDFs and it's fantastic,
54:18
Speaker 3: so there's a lot more resources Finding the One Book
54:21
Speaker 3: dot Com. I would like them to take a big
54:24
Speaker 3: excel and feel, certainly within a couple chapters, definitely by
54:29
Speaker 3: the end of the book, that you're such a catch,
54:32
Speaker 3: you're so amazing, you're so glorious. Yes, sometimes you're a
54:36
Speaker 3: hot mess and other times you're masterful. You're an amazing,
54:40
Speaker 3: unique being that deserves someone to honor you. And cherish you,
54:46
Speaker 3: and treasure you and adore you. And I don't believe
54:49
Speaker 3: it's going to happen unless you honor you, cherish you,
54:53
Speaker 3: and adore yourself and not just your sparkly parts, the
54:57
Speaker 3: parts that are scared, the parts that need a hug.
55:00
Speaker 3: And so I believe by the end of this book,
55:01
Speaker 3: you're going to be more whole and at home with
55:04
Speaker 3: who you are, which makes you more inviting and radiant
55:08
Speaker 3: and unique to your ideal partner. You're going to be
55:13
Speaker 3: more of who you are by the end of this book.
55:15
Speaker 3: And it is the greatest privilege and honor to be
55:17
Speaker 3: able to love you this way. So thank you for
55:20
Speaker 3: the consideration of picking up the book, or listening to
55:23
Speaker 3: the audiobook, or getting all the goodies finding the one
55:25
Speaker 3: book dot com.
55:27
Speaker 2: The wisdom of my guest, Alana Pratt. Alana, please share
55:31
Speaker 2: with our listeners one more time your website and where
55:33
Speaker 2: they can get all of your books in wonderful information.
55:36
Speaker 3: Well, thank you. My name is my website Alana Pratt
55:39
Speaker 3: A L L A N A P R A T
55:42
Speaker 3: T dot com. All my books are there. We have
55:45
Speaker 3: a Patreon channel that's my membership. It's called the Intimate World,
55:49
Speaker 3: have a YouTube channel. I have a podcast called Intimate Conversations.
55:54
Speaker 3: We're in season fourteen, so lots of resources to take
55:58
Speaker 3: really good care of you.
55:59
Speaker 2: Thanks, thank you so much for joining us and sharing
56:01
Speaker 2: this wonderful and important information with our listeners.
56:05
Speaker 3: Oh it's my honor, Victor. Thank you for having me back.
56:07
Speaker 2: And thank you for joining us on Vox Novus. I'm Victor,
56:11
Speaker 2: la Voice Ferman. Have a wonderful week.