Latest / Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast / Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right

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Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right · Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast

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Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
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Would you like to reduce conflict in your relationships?
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I mean, fewer disagreements, less fighting, more
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harmony. Well, today I'm going to share a principle
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that I learned many years ago that has saved
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countless friendships and working relationships
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and been pretty important in my marriage over
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the years. Stay with me. You don't want to miss
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it. I'm Dave Drew and this is Living on the Edge
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with Chip Ingram. Today, Chip shares one of the
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hardest lessons he's ever had to learn in his
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own marriage and friendships, that winning an
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argument almost always costs you something far
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more valuable than being right. As we continue
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our series called Caring Enough to Connect, Chip
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shows us how to let go of our need to be right
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without ever compromising what's true. Remember,
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if you ever need to revisit this program at another
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time, just go to livingontheedge .org. Well,
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now here's Chip with today's message titled,
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Right Relationships Are Always More Important
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Than Being Right. I have this habit, and this
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is a habit of observing people. When I go to
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the mall, I observe people. When I go to the
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park, I observe people. Last night when Teresa
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and I were walking in the park and the gal with
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her cell phone who's talking loud enough for
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everyone in the park to know, you know, Teresa
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just blocks it out and talks to me and walks,
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and I'm listening to this lady's conversation.
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When two people are intensely in a booth behind
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me and you can tell there's some real action
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going on, I'm not trying to listen. But my radar
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just kind of goes up. When I'm waiting to get
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a table at a restaurant, I don't just think about,
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you know, what could I be reading or thinking
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right now? I scan. the entire restaurant, and
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I look at people and I wonder, I wonder why they're
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here and I wonder what's going on here. And then,
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you know, I think I'm Columbo, you know, or CSI
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Atlanta. You know, let's see now. I wonder in
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terms of how he's dressed and what they're eating
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and what she serves, you know. Why I do this,
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I don't know. But I have this habit of just observing
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people. And then it gets a little bit worse because
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I find myself, not eavesdropping, but if they
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talk rather loud, hearing what's going on. And
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then I have this observation after doing this
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for as long as I can ever remember, even as a
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kid, even in high school, is when you find two
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people that are talking intensely, I don't mean
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casually. I mean when you're at a little coffee
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shop and the table's right next to you and there's
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that kind of buzz, that real intensity that they're
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really talking about something, not arguing,
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you can tell they're friends. And the one person
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is listening to the other person. And this is
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a, I'm comforting you, I'm for you, we're going
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through life together. My observation is, whenever
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you find, or almost whenever you find people
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talking at that level of intensity, they're usually
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talking about someone else who's not at the table.
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I mean, test it out. I mean, one person is listening,
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another person is talking, the one that's very
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animated, and they're usually talking. about
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how unfair, how insensitive, how selfish, how
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ungrateful or how wrong someone else somewhere
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has been to them. And you can just interchange.
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It was their mate. It was their ex. It was their
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son. It was their daughter. It was their father
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-in -law. It was their boss. It was an employee.
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It was a person who just as they came in the
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parking lot, it was, you know, their high school
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reunion. And you, Ethel, you can't believe what
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happened. I mean, after 27 years, can you believe?
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And it seems that, at least in American culture,
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and I'm guessing in human nature, there seems
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to be the role of a friend. And I'm not talking
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biblically, but the role of a friend. Is that
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person that when I get hurt or damaged or I'm
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struggling or I'm frustrated in some relationship,
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this person nods approvingly as I tell them how
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bad and selfish and insensitive and unkind this
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other person was to me. And their role is to
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look into my eyes, have body posture that says
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they really care, nod their head, and then occasionally,
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that's terrible. I can't believe it. She really
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did. that to you? After 30 some years, are you
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telling me that, you know what, when is your
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husband ever going to wake up and smell the,
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that is, they did that to your child. That, that
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coach did that to your little leaguer. And you
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just hear conversations like this go on and on
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and on. And whether I'm sitting at the mall,
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minding my own business, waiting on Teresa to
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come back from some store that I don't want to
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go into, or whether we're walking in the park
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and these people walk by us, Or last night, this
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gal on the phone, I can't believe what she did.
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Are you telling me? And you know, she's just
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taking a walk. I don't want to know this much
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about this lady. And she is, I mean, Teresa finally
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said, that lady's kind of loud, isn't she? She
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said, who's she talking to? I said, she's not
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talking to anybody. She's on her cell phone.
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And my experience is, is that sometimes when
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I'm listening to people whine and complain about
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someone else who's not in the room, What really
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bothers me is when I find that the person I'm
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listening to is me. And I can look back over
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the last 30 years or so as a Christian and being
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a dad and being a pastor and being a husband,
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that I on multiple occasions have found myself
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telling someone very close to me, like my wife
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or one of my kids or a close friend, about how
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right I am in a situation. When you listen carefully
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to the conversations, what it really is about
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is someone is right and someone else is wrong.
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They didn't get it. They didn't see it. They
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didn't understand it. They were insensitive.
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I was right. I did what was right. And I remember
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early as a dad and being a little, you know,
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over the top, which none of you can probably
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imagine that my kids all can, is things like,
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you know, you've had a really rough day and there's
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been a lot of pressure and you say, I will pick
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you up in front of the high school at door B
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at 4 .30. And you pull up in front of the high
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school in door B at 4 .30 and they are not there.
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And then it's 4 .35 and then it's 4 .40 and then
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it's a quarter of five. Then you get out of your
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car and you walk around and there aren't cell
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phones in those days and people don't call them
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and my kids didn't. have them anyway. And then
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pretty soon it's five o 'clock and you were supposed
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to be someplace else and you're going to miss
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dinner and there's a meeting after the dinner
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and you see your kid and he comes around the
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corner and you know, what do you say? Hi, I've
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missed you. Tell me how your day went, honey.
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What do you say? Where in the heck have you been?
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I've been in door B. Well, no, that's not door
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B, Dad. This is, hey, I'll tell you where door
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B is. I'm the parent. Get in that car. And you
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know what? Well, Dad, we were in door B, and
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then we went to call to find you, and you didn't
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show up. You weren't here at 430. I was here
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right at 430. 436 is about 430 in my mind. Anyway,
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and you know, well, we went to call you, and
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it's all about whether you were at door B or
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door A, and whether it was 430 or 436. And there
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are emotions that occur in a breakdown in relationship
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that when you step back, you look at it and go,
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you know, this is insanity. But at the heart
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of it was all about being right. And I wish it
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was just with my kids. I've had classic arguments
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about dinner with my wife. In fact, I've had
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classic arguments. I mean, heated, loving exchanges.
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About how to discipline kids, about where money
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should go and where money shouldn't go, about
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we agreed on this. What part of we agreed and
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said, when this happens and he does that, this
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is going to happen rather than you cry and console
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him. We said discipline, grounding. Let me spell
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this for you, Teresa. G -R -O -U -N. Are you
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kidding me? This is the 37th time. Oh, but honey,
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he looks so sad. And I could tell he was so hurting.
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And we would... And then, you know, forget about
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what happened to the kid the next three days.
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You know, she's not talking to me. I'm not talking
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to her. And, you know, we figured out how to
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do that great thing when you go to sleep where
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she can stare at one wall and you can stare at
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the other wall. All about who's right. My principle
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for you all that I guess if I had to get it down
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to seven or eight of the biggest lessons I've
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learned about relationships, number seven for
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me is this, is that right relationships are always
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more important than being right. Right relationships
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are always more important than being right. And
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my little disclaimer here, I'm not talking about...
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moral issues. I'm not talking about theological
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issues. I'm not talking about rolling over and
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giving the other person their way all the time.
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I'm not talking about saying, you know, standing
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up for a just cause. Well, I want a right relationship.
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I'm not talking about peace at any price. I'm
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talking about in the normal, everyday relationships
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with other people that you love and that you
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care about. And the issues aren't whether this
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is theologically true or not, or whether it's
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morally good or bad or not. The issues are about
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your perspective, your circumstances, your rights,
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your opinion being the way versus the other person.
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So you get that? That's what I'm talking about.
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This is not that, well, you know, right relationships
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are more important than being right. And you're
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saying, what about those big issues? I'm not
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talking about those. I'm talking about in the
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everyday. How you do life at home and in your
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apartment with two roommates or with your kids
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or with your wife or when you're on the little
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league field and umpire calls your kid out and
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it is obvious he was safe by a mile and you find
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yourself standing out on the little league field
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with a whole group of people looking at you talking
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to a volunteer with veins popping out of your
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neck talking about he was safe and this is the
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biggest game in the world. He's five years old.
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don't you understand? And you two people realizing
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now you go to the same very large church and
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you hate one another over this and a whole crowd
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of people thinking those are two idiotic people
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making fools of themselves right now. But at
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the heart of it is a belief system and relationships.
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I got to be right. versus the principle that
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right relationships are always more important
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than being right. Open, if you would, to Colossians
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chapter three. There's a great context. I wanna
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give a little running start to this one. Colossians
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is a great book. It's a parallel book to Ephesians.
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It's about how the church is supposed to live
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out the faith. And the first half of this book,
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like Ephesians, is doctrine. This is who you
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are in Christ. And then chapters three and four,
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now this is how you live out this new life. You
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know, you could use, this is how to be a disciple.
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This is how to be a genuine follower. This is
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how to be that Romans 12 type Christian. And
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in the first four verses, it'll say, it begins
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with your thinking. I've just told you all these
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things that are true in the first four verses.
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Set your mind on the things that are above, not
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on the things that are on earth. And then it
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says you gotta deal radically with some of your
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past habits and issues. As you look at verse
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five, it says, therefore consider the members
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of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity,
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passion, evil desire, greed, which amounts to
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idolatry. And that little word consider there
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really is put to death. And it's in a tense in
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the grammar that means urgently put to death,
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deal radically with. And I wish I had time to
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develop all these words. But when you look at
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sexual immorality is that word, but impurity,
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passion, evil desire, even the word greed is
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not just financial. It's the idea of doing everything
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around your own self -interest about your rights
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and your position and making sure that your way
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gets the way. And what he's saying is, is that's
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how you lived before you knew Christ. And it
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says you got to put to death that stuff. And
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then he'll go on and say that, you know, don't
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lie to one another anymore. And then he'll talk
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about this renewing that has occurred out of
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the new birth and this renewal of a new knowledge
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and this new person you are in Christ. And then
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he gets on the solution side by verse 12. And
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in verse 12, then he says, so then. In light
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of this brand new person who you are, in light
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of this new position that you have, in light
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of this radical steps you've taken by God's grace
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to put to death those old patterns that ruin
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relationship and separated you from God and bring
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God's wrath as a new born again person with a
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new mind and the spirit of God living in you.
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So then here's how to do relationships. He says,
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as those who've been chosen of God, holy and
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beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness,
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humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with
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one another and forgiving each other. Whoever
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has a complaint against anyone, that's pretty
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broad, isn't it? Just as the Lord forgave you,
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so also should you. And beyond all these things
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that I've listed, compassion, kindness, humility,
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gentleness, patience, and bearing with one another,
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put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.
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And then he's gonna go on and talk about some
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specific internal devices that God has given
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us about how to regulate how relationships are
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going about the peace in our life. But what I'd
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like to do is take just a moment and have you
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circle the first three words. I think these are
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the key to practicing the principle that right
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relationships are more important than being right.
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So as those who've been, circle the word chosen,
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circle the word holy, and circle the word beloved.
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If you miss those, you can't do those commands.
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See, at the heart of it, whether it's with my
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wife, my kids, a fellow employee, a little league
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game, a pickup basketball game, an issue over
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a parking spot at the mall, an argument with
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someone in a business deal, when I start to fight
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and when you start to fight and relationships
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break down, usually my significance, my acceptance,
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or my security gets attacked. And either I feel
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like you're dissing me or I think it's unfair
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or I think I'm getting a raw deal or you don't
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respect me or what you're doing is something
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that's gonna really injure me and so I have to
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stand up for my rights. And isn't it interesting,
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he says, so as those who have been chosen of
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God, how much more significant could you be?
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See, we don't do relationships out of I need
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to be significant in someone else's eyes. We
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do relationships out of the sense that, you know,
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all the people, God chose me. God chose you.
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He loves you. If there were ball teams lined
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up, he would say, he would point to you and say,
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I want you on my team. And so you are significant.
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That's not something we've got to get out there
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and prove. The second notice, chosen of God and
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holy. You know, what makes us unacceptable is
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our imperfections. But he's already told us that
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because of what Christ did on the cross and his
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blood shed for us and our being united with him
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by faith, we died with him, we've been raised
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with him, and our position before God as he sees
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us, even as he sees Jesus, we're holy, we're
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set apart. What's that mean? Well, it means you're
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accepted. It means there aren't flaws. It means
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that in God's eyes at this moment, you're seated
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with him in the heavenly places. You matter,
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you're significant, you're holy, you're accepted.
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Now, do you have to live that out in practice?
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And is that a journey? Of course. But your position
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in Christ, you're holy. And then notice, I like
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this, it says beloved, or the idea is you're
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dearly loved. You're accepted. Do I want everyone
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to accept me? Of course, and so do you. But what
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happens is, When a roommate or a wife or a business
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associate or someone on a little league field
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or someone in line or a parking space, when someone
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cuts in front of you, all those things threaten
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our security. They threaten our security. Who
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do you think? I had this spot. I saw you. This
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is, here we are. You know, I've driven and there's
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a long mile of a mile and a half. And I've been
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waiting in line for an hour and 15 minutes to
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go through this light. And then there's this
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right turn only lane. And I've watched you drive
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by a mile full of people. And then because I
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have a big truck in front of me and you're smart
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and you know the big trucks are slow, this big
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truck goes and you put the nose of your car in
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there and everything in me wants to floor it.
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And if I had a junker, bam, I would take you
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out right now. And so on highways all over America,
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gestures are exchanged that I don't think are
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saying we're number one. And people are screaming
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and yelling and at some points roll down their
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windows and get out guns and shoot one another
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over what? Over what? Who's going to get through
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a light one car ahead of someone else? See, what's
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being attacked here is significance and security
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and that I am more important. And what's being
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violated is personal rights. And what the Apostle
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Paul is saying is, you know what? Right relationships.
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really do matter more than being right. But the
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only way you can live that way is if you know
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you're chosen by God. You are holy and you're
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dearly loved. Now, out of what you've already
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received, now he's going to talk very specifically
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about how do you treat people. He says, put on
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a heart of compassion. That's that interesting
18:11
word where you actually feel what other people's
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feel to the point of action. The word is splachna.
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It was used every time Jesus had compassion in
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the New Testament. It was a feeling depth in
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the bowels of a person for the needs of the other
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person that leads you to action. Compassion is
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not empathy. Empathy is you see someone and you
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go, man, I really feel bad for them. Compassion
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is I feel bad to the point that I'm gonna do
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something to alleviate that situation. And so
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notice where he says put on a heart. If you read
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this passage carefully, 12 through 17, the word
18:44
heart is repeated three times. This isn't just
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about some external discipline of behavior that
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you work up to act compassionately. This is about
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something that comes out of who you are because
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the spirit of God is producing this in you. And
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so put on compassion. I mean, so you feel, you
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think, I wonder what that guy went through. I
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wonder why someone would be that upset over a
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game with five or eight or 10 year old kids.
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I wonder why, you know, my kids are so upset
19:11
about this or why I am. Put on a heart of compassion.
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Kindness is just that word for something that's
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beautiful and winsome. You wanna do nice things
19:19
for people, you know, kind of unexplainable.
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You know, you just come back to the office and
19:24
you bring an extra cup of coffee and you give
19:25
it to someone and you jot a note for no reason
19:27
that says, thinking of you, love you, prayed
19:29
for you today. You put a check in the mail to
19:32
someone or some cash in an envelope for someone
19:35
that's struggling and you say, you know what,
19:37
it's been hard. Why don't you take your wife
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or your roommate or whoever out to dinner? I
19:40
just wanna bless you. That's what kindness is.
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Kindness is just doing kind of nice things for
19:45
people to express concern. Humility is putting
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the needs of others ahead of yourself. By the
19:52
way, that was not a virtue in the ancient world.
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When this was written, humility wasn't looked
19:56
like as a good thing. This was like, humility,
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why would anyone do it? It was the idea, I'm
20:01
bigger, I'm badder, I can knock you down. That's
20:06
what you ought to do. And here you have this
20:08
teaching. that actually revolutionized the world
20:12
that said, consider others as more important
20:14
than yourself. Don't ask, do I'm getting my rights?
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Ask, how could I put the needs of someone else
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ahead of me? This is a radical way to do relationships.
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And then the word gentleness here is that same
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word. And the old King James, remember, I memorized
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this in the old King James in Matthew 11, where
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Jesus says, for I'm meek and lowly of heart.
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That word meek is gentle. In the ancient Greek
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literature, it was used of a wild stallion. Meek
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is not weak. It's a wild stallion that has been
20:46
trained with a bit in its mouth that takes that
20:48
power under control. And so it's not that you
20:52
don't have the power to exert your rights. It's
20:56
not that you can't power up on someone and say
20:58
to them, hey, hey, that's my parking spot and
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that's the way it is. It's that you say to yourself,
21:02
I have the power and I have the rights. And you
21:05
know, I even have the position in this situation
21:07
or in this company or in this work. But you know
21:10
what? I'm gonna step back and I don't have to
21:13
exert my rights here. I'm gonna put on a heart
21:16
of compassion and kindness. I'm gonna put their
21:18
needs ahead of my own. And in this certain situation,
21:21
you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna allow my
21:24
rights. to be under control, to meet the need
21:27
of someone else. I'm going to be considerate.
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The next word there, he says, patience is just
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that it's a combination of macro long and something
21:37
that heats up. And it's the idea of just putting
21:39
up with junk. If you, you know, it's just, it's
21:42
just, you have a, you know, the word picture
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for me, not that the word means this, but the
21:45
word picture for me is that you just have a really
21:47
long fuse. That's what patience is. You know
21:50
that, you know what? That person irritates me.
21:53
And without patience, they irritate you once
21:55
and you say, I'm going to let that go. Irritate
21:59
you twice, you do that again, you know. Patience
22:02
is, you know what? Long suffering. And in case
22:08
you didn't understand what he really meant and
22:10
how specific he wanted to be, after the word
22:13
patience, he says, bearing. with one another.
22:16
And this is actually the faults and idiosyncrasies
22:19
of people. This is saying, you know what? The
22:22
way they chew their gum in my ear, every time
22:24
we're talking, it makes me cringe. Every time
22:27
when they take their silver and they do it like
22:29
this at the table, right before they cut their
22:30
meat, I just want to take a knife and throw it
22:33
across the room. Every time they make the same
22:36
lame excuse. This is looking at the idiosyncrasies
22:39
of people that make you crazy. And it says bearing
22:42
up with them. You put up with it. And then it
22:46
goes beyond that and says, forgiving each other,
22:48
whoever has a complaint against anyone. How would
22:51
you like to work at a place or how would you
22:53
like to be in a family where there was a commitment
22:56
by supernatural power that people said, you know
22:59
what? I'm gonna put on a heart of compassion,
23:01
kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
23:05
And I'm gonna bear up because the fact of the
23:08
matter is, is all those people have those idiosyncrasies
23:10
that make you crazy. Can I let you in on a secret?
23:14
You have those little idiosyncrasies that make
23:16
them crazy, right? And notice, honestly, then,
23:20
it's not just that you keep them under wraps.
23:23
He says, forgiving them. The word means to release.
23:27
It means to let go. You forgive them. At the
23:32
heart of a lack of forgiveness is vengeance or
23:34
payback. The heart motive behind not forgiving
23:38
another person is they did this to me. You know
23:41
what? They took the credit for that project at
23:43
work. They put their kid in the lineup ahead
23:46
of mine and my kid's batting 666 and his kid
23:49
has not gotten a hit all year. And I want to
23:51
pay them back. And so I'm going to say things,
23:54
you know, very discreetly because Christians
23:56
have to be discreet when we try and really mess
23:58
up other people. And I'm going to. But forgiving
24:02
is you release. And you forgive them. Notice
24:06
the motivation. Just as God has forgiven you.
24:11
I think forgiveness is the hardest thing to do
24:13
in the Christian life. I could be wrong. I mean,
24:17
when you've really been wounded, when it really
24:20
is selfish, when it really is unjust, when someone
24:22
has really done something bad to you. And what
24:26
do you want? You want what I want. I want justice.
24:30
I mean, I don't think anything makes me more
24:32
unfair. I mean, I want justice for my kids. I
24:35
want justice for my wife. I want justice for
24:37
Christians. I want justice for what's right.
24:39
And I want justice for me, except for when it
24:43
comes to how I want God to deal with me. Right?
24:48
I mean, she walked out on her husband. He walked
24:50
out. He's not paying his alimony. That's an ungrateful
24:53
kid. You know, they took credit for that. They
24:56
used our idea and then they copyrighted it before
24:58
we could. That is, we're gonna sue their pants
25:01
off. We're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna. Justice,
25:04
justice, justice. And yet the fact of the matter
25:07
is, the command is, God wants me relationally
25:11
to extend to others what has been extended to
25:14
me. And I will tell you that the older I get,
25:19
the more I see what's in my heart, the more I
25:25
get so overwhelmed. God, I don't want justice,
25:28
please. God, if you give me justice, oh my. You
25:32
know, I see things in my heart and I, you know,
25:35
even I can look back and think, you know, maybe
25:37
20 years ago, I thought my motives were right.
25:39
But boy, looking back now, man, that was, you
25:41
were just one arrogant idiot. And boy, I don't
25:44
want God to deal with me that way. And it has
25:47
been the most profound motivation in my life
25:50
to say, Lord, I am willing to let go of my vengeance
25:53
and lack of forgiveness and extend mercy because
25:57
I certainly do not want you to treat me the way
26:00
that I want them to be treated. And notice here,
26:04
it's just whoever has a complaint against anyone.
26:07
And then if that's not enough, I don't know about
26:09
you, but those are pretty strong words to justify
26:12
the principle that right relationships are more
26:14
important than being right. And I will say, you've
26:17
grown up in a world, by the way, American culture,
26:19
your rights are what matter. You have a right
26:24
to that. You deserve a break today. That's your
26:28
place in line. Don't let anybody. I mean, you
26:31
have been brainwashed to believe that you are
26:34
so the center of the universe that you better
26:37
defend your rights. And so our knee -jerk reaction
26:42
to almost any relational conflict is to exert
26:46
our personal rights. But you know what? If you're
26:49
really significant so much so that you're chosen
26:52
by God, and if you're so accepted by Him that
26:55
you're holy and without blame, And if you're
26:58
so dearly loved that you're the object of affection,
27:01
that you must be secure. You know something?
27:05
All that piddly stuff about who gets the parking
27:07
spot and who goes through the light, or whether
27:09
they were there at 4 .30 or 4 .35, or door B
27:13
or door A, or whether dinner was supposed to
27:16
be at this time or that time, or whether we agreed
27:19
on spending money this way or that way, you need
27:21
to talk all those things through. But you know,
27:25
most... Marriages that I've talked to, and I've
27:27
done tons of counseling, unfortunately, and lots
27:30
of them have ended in divorce. When I try and
27:32
say, now, what was this argument about? What
27:34
was this really about? I mean, it's amazing.
27:40
They can't even remember. They can't even remember
27:43
what was it that started it. But I will tell
27:45
you what started it was a very small thing and
27:48
where two fleshly people like me and like you
27:51
begin to exert their rights. And then what do
27:54
we do? It's like throwing a little grenade over
27:57
the wall and there's a little explosion and that
27:59
hurts the person. So they get hurt and they throw
28:01
a little bit bigger grenade over the wall and
28:02
that hurts them. So they get a bazooka out and
28:04
they shoot the bazooka over the wall. And so
28:06
then you bring a tank and then pretty soon there's
28:09
damage everywhere. because everyone has exerted
28:13
their rights instead of saying, you know something,
28:16
whether it was door A or door B, probably a great
28:18
relationship with my kids will matter more long
28:21
-term than what time I pick them up. And whether
28:23
supper was at this time or that time, or you
28:26
know what, it does bug me, and you know, I need
28:28
to go through the right process, but you know,
28:31
whether that person in the company got credit
28:33
for my idea or whether I get credit for it, you
28:36
know, God probably understands all that. And
28:38
he'll probably smile more on a great, loving,
28:41
godly response. And I'll trust him to promote
28:45
me more than the office politics. And what that
28:49
does is it gives you an incredible perspective
28:52
and a power to relate differently to people.
28:55
And I think that's what it means to be a real
28:57
disciple, a Romans 12 Christian. And then if
29:00
you wonder, well, Gosh, how do you know when
29:02
it's resolved? How do you know if you're in the
29:03
right spot? Look at verse 15. It says, let the
29:06
peace of Christ rule in your hearts to which
29:09
indeed you were called into one body and be thankful.
29:13
The word peace, he says, you know, why do we
29:16
do all this? Forgive just as we have been forgiven.
29:19
Beyond all these things, put on love, which is
29:22
what? The perfect bond of unity. What's the idea
29:25
here? We belong to one another in the body of
29:28
Christ, loving each other and putting up with
29:31
stuff so that we genuinely have right relationships
29:35
is more important than my rights. And then he
29:39
goes on to say, let the peace of Christ rule
29:40
in your hearts. Literally, the word rule is act
29:43
as an umpire, an arbitrator. If you're not sure
29:46
when you don't have peace in relationship with
29:49
another person, it says, let the Holy Spirit.
29:52
You know, that lack of peace say, you know something?
29:54
Maybe you need to make something right with someone.
29:56
And all you may need to do is forgive them. Or
29:59
maybe you need to apologize. Or maybe you need
30:01
to write them a note. But he says, let the peace
30:04
of Christ act as an arbitrator. And then notice
30:07
this little command because it's going to get
30:08
repeated. And be thankful. See, sometimes we
30:12
go through this and we start becoming the martyr.
30:14
I did the right thing. I'm not going to hang
30:16
on to my rights. And boy, I'll tell you what,
30:18
that situation sure stinks. We get this grumbling,
30:21
complaining, whining attitude instead of thank
30:25
you, Lord. And you say, well, why should I thank
30:26
God? Because conflict, as we'll see in just a
30:29
second, is not an exception in a fallen world.
30:33
It's predictable and it's normal. And God has
30:36
allowed conflict. sovereignly to come into your
30:38
life and my life to do one of two things. Either
30:41
help me learn something about me that I need
30:43
to learn to grow and become more like Christ
30:44
or help me learn to love someone who's unlovable
30:48
so I can become more like Christ and they can
30:50
receive Christ's love. So let the peace of Christ
30:54
rule in your hearts and be thankful. And then
30:56
where do you get the resources? How do you do
30:57
this? How could anyone live out? These are supernatural.
31:02
type attitudes. Well, let the word of Christ
31:04
richly dwell within you. And what's the basis
31:08
then of how you relate to one another? With all
31:10
wisdom, that's God giving you, doing relationships
31:13
his way, with all wisdom, teaching and admonishing
31:17
one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual
31:19
songs, singing with thankfulness in your, again,
31:22
hearts to God. It's about the right relationship
31:25
matters more than my own little turf and me getting
31:28
my way. Whatever you do, I mean, just in case,
31:32
I mean, just in case, Colossian Christians, you
31:34
didn't quite get the point. Whatever you do,
31:36
in word or in deed, which covers just about life,
31:40
doesn't it? Do all in the name of the Lord Jesus.
31:43
Well, what's the other option? All in the name
31:46
of getting your rights. All in the name of justifying
31:48
yourself. All in the name that people need to
31:50
know the real story. All in the name of, about
31:53
me. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in
31:56
the name of the Lord Jesus. And then notice the
31:58
third repetition. And by the way, it's a command,
32:01
giving thanks through him to God the Father.
32:03
I think this is one of the strongest relational
32:05
passages in all the New Testament. And I think
32:08
what it really says to us is, when I get violated
32:12
and when I struggle and when life's unfair and
32:15
when I'm that person at the coffee shop or in
32:18
the park or at the mall pouring out my side of
32:21
the story, I need to remember that right relationships
32:26
on things that are not theological, on things
32:29
that aren't moral, are way more important than
32:33
my rights. I'm going to give you three practical
32:36
ways to put this into practice. Number one is
32:39
refuse to see conflict as negative. Instead,
32:42
embrace conflict as God's tutor for learning
32:45
and or loving others. I think a lot of us have
32:49
just, we've been ingrained. Conflict's bad. Conflict's
32:51
wrong. Oh, we got a problem. There's conflict.
32:53
What are we going to do? It's terrible. It's
32:54
not terrible. I mean, if you think it's terrible,
32:56
then life's going to be terrible. You're going
32:58
to have conflict, you know, with your roommate.
32:59
You're going to have conflict with your mate.
33:01
You're going to have conflict if you have kids.
33:02
You're going to have conflict with your grandkids.
33:03
You're going to have conflict with your boss.
33:05
You're going to have conflict everywhere. But
33:07
if you unconsciously see conflict is bad and
33:10
negative, then boy, you are set up for being
33:12
a defensive person. Conflict is normal in a fallen
33:15
world. So choose, instead of seeing conflict
33:19
as negative, see it as God's tutor. I mean, doesn't
33:23
everyone want a coach? Doesn't everyone want
33:26
someone to put their arm around them, help them
33:27
be? I mean, everyone, if I, when you came in
33:29
the door, if I gave you a little card and said,
33:30
I want to be like Christ, and there was a checkbox
33:33
that said yes or no, I think most people would
33:36
have checked yes. I mean, no, I don't want to
33:38
be like you. Well, if you said, I want to be
33:41
like Christ, and on the checkbox it says yes,
33:43
and God said, well, I have a tool. I have a tutor.
33:46
I have a personal coach. I have a way that every
33:50
day of your life, I'm going to provide sovereignly
33:52
ordained and allowed opportunities to help you
33:54
learn to become more like me. And since it's
33:58
a body, I'm going to use you to help other people
34:00
experience my love. What's it mean to love someone?
34:04
Love is giving another person what they need
34:06
the most when they deserve it the least at great
34:09
personal cost. I don't want to do that, but that's
34:13
what Jesus did for me. So conflict, rather than
34:16
saying is negative, it's my tutor, it's my coach,
34:20
it's my teacher. Now I've got a conflict situation.
34:23
My first thought is, oh, I'm threatened. I'm
34:25
fearful. What's going to happen to me about my
34:27
security? What about my significance? And will
34:29
I be accepted? Will I be rejected? What if I'm
34:30
on the outside after this happens? What if this
34:32
person leaves me? What about, what about, what?
34:33
I am chosen. I am holy. I'm already dearly loved.
34:41
There's not a job, a circumstance, or a person
34:45
on the face of the earth that has the power to
34:47
make or break my life or yours. No one has the
34:52
power to ruin your life that you don't let them.
34:54
A mate can't, a kid can't, a grandparent can't,
34:57
an organization, no one can ruin your life. You
35:00
are chosen, you are holy, and you are dearly
35:03
loved. And you're on your way to heaven. You
35:07
can have a few bumps in the road, but no one
35:09
has the power to ruin your life that you don't
35:10
let. And so do you say to yourself, well, well,
35:14
I guess God's gonna teach me through this conflict
35:16
about seeing something in me. that I guess I
35:21
didn't see before that he wants to change. Because
35:23
I don't know about you, I don't wake up and say,
35:25
I don't read my Bible in the morning and wake
35:27
up and say, oh, wow, I see a major area in my
35:31
life. I just think I'm gonna change. Everyone's
35:33
seen it for 20 years and it's a blind spot and
35:35
I've never seen it, but yippee, I see it today
35:37
and I'm gonna. Every major change that's happened
35:41
in my life has been that major change that needed
35:44
to happen. I ran head on to someone else's major
35:49
change that needed to happen. And it was in that
35:52
conflict I saw stuff in me that I didn't want
35:54
to see. But I got to see it to the point where
35:58
it was so undeniable I came out of my denial
36:00
and realized God wants to deal with that shit.
36:05
You need to come to me. You need to repent. And
36:08
conflict is a tool in his hands to help you and
36:11
to help me. And the other is... Conflict has
36:13
been a tutor where there are times, I think,
36:16
that I've actually given someone what they don't
36:20
deserve or had some gentleness and some humility
36:23
and some compassion and some forgiveness that
36:27
actually worked in someone's life whose life
36:30
wasn't going very well. And I can look back five
36:32
or 10 years later and say, I got to be an instrument
36:35
of grace. And I will tell you, I can list the
36:38
people on my hand who in conflict have forgiven
36:42
me. And loved me and believed in me when I didn't
36:45
deserve it. And they were an instrument of grace.
36:48
So, you know, practice number one is refuse to
36:51
see conflict as negative. Instead, embrace. Notice
36:54
I didn't say tolerate. Embrace conflict as God's
36:57
tutor for learning and for loving others. The
37:00
second practice is be willing to own 50 % more
37:02
of any problem in a relationship than you think
37:05
is fair. That sounds crazy, but I mean, I literally,
37:08
I'm just, I'm like big on this. I've had lots
37:11
of conflicts. That's probably not a really good
37:14
testimony, but it's true. I've had lots of conflicts
37:17
and I have strong opinions and I have a strong
37:19
personality, which none of you probably could
37:21
attest to. And what I've just, you know, I never
37:27
did this before, but I always wanted to get it.
37:29
You know, man, I mean, I think maybe I've got
37:31
49 .87 % of this, but over 50 % is this guy.
37:35
You know, and what I realized is I always have
37:38
huge levels of denial. And everyone does. And
37:42
when I found out, you know, I just thought, okay,
37:44
you know what? I'm going to assume over 50 %
37:47
of the problem. It doesn't matter whether, okay,
37:49
I just assume I was at door A instead of door
37:51
B. Kids, sorry. Okay, from now on, is this going
37:55
to be door B? Right. This is door B, right? Got
37:57
it. Great. Get in the car. Let's go home. Who
38:01
cares? I mean, I can argue and have division
38:05
over, now, did we say 5 .30 or 6 o 'clock dinner?
38:08
Now, did you say we were gonna do this or do
38:10
that? Did you say the budget was gonna be X dollars
38:12
or X dollars? You can work out the details, but
38:14
just assume 50 % more of the blame than in your
38:17
heart of hearts you think you deserve and say,
38:20
you know what, God's bigger than this. And the
38:23
more that I have learned to do that, because
38:26
what we're afraid of is, at the heart of it,
38:29
it's an arrogance issue. We're so afraid that
38:31
someone's gonna think less of us, that our reputation
38:33
is gonna be decreased. And what we're constantly
38:36
trying to protect is our image and our reputation.
38:38
Rather than saying, you know what, if God knows
38:41
the truth, I'm not sure of the truth, why not
38:43
just step up and say, you know, I thought this
38:45
was my fault and my heart of hearts before God.
38:47
I'm gonna go ahead and take another step. I'm
38:49
gonna own this much. Will you forgive me for
38:51
this? And will you forgive me for this as well?
38:55
I'm gonna own mine. And you know what that does?
38:58
It is amazing how that melts conflict. Because
39:01
down deep, people have a pretty intuitive sense
39:04
of probably what they own. And when someone is
39:08
willing to take the step across the line to own
39:11
more, and you know, sometimes I probably think
39:14
I'm owning more and probably I'm just right.
39:15
You know, it really is a good 50%. But I'm hoping
39:19
it's like it's only 35 % and I'm giving about
39:21
15 % grace. But when you do that, I'm amazed
39:24
that people can kind of see and they'll just
39:27
basically say, you know something, I'm not gonna
39:31
go there either. And what happens is the right
39:33
relationship gets to be the priority instead
39:37
of who's right. The final practice that's been
39:40
very helpful over the years is ask yourself,
39:42
why is it so important to be proven right or
39:45
to get your way in a situation? I don't like
39:48
to ask that question, but what I found is with
39:49
my wife and my kids and issues, I just found
39:53
out, what is it? What is this little energizer
39:56
bunny in Chip Ingram? I gotta be right, I gotta
39:58
be right, I gotta be right, I gotta be right,
39:59
I gotta be right. At the heart of it is, I must
40:02
not believe I'm really chosen. I must not believe
40:04
I'm already holy and I must not believe I'm already
40:07
dearly loved because I got to be right to prove
40:09
to me and to prove all these people, I'm really
40:11
significant. I'm really secure. I'm really a
40:13
somebody. I did all the work. You know, I did
40:16
the research. You got to know this is right.
40:18
Well, what's behind all that? Just flesh, just
40:23
ego, just pride. And what kills relationships?
40:28
Flesh, ego. Pride, when you don't care about
40:32
that, and I don't mean you don't care like your
40:34
tenant's not there. You own it reasonably, but
40:37
if you back up and say, well, you know something,
40:38
Lord? You know what's right, and I'm accepted
40:42
by you. And you know what? This little phrase
40:45
has been so helpful. I really want and desire
40:50
people's approval, but I don't need people's
40:56
approval because I... Have God's approval. You're
41:03
listening to Living on the Edge with a message
41:05
titled, Right relationships are always more important
41:08
than being right. Part of our series, Caring
41:11
Enough to Connect, building bridges to those
41:13
we love. If today's message struck a nerve, maybe
41:17
there's a relationship in your life that's needed
41:19
some help, you can easily revisit this lesson
41:22
anytime at livingontheedge .org. And if you'd
41:26
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41:29
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then be sure to subscribe to the Living on the
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41:37
the original full -length sermons, subscribe
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to the Chip Ingram sermon podcast. Well, the
41:43
kind of grace we discussed today, choosing relationship
41:46
over being right, is exactly what it takes to
41:48
reach someone who's walked away from church or
41:51
never believed in the first place. That's the
41:54
subject of a book by Aaron Pierce titled Not
41:56
Beyond Reach, How to Share Jesus with the Young,
41:59
the Deconstructed, and the Non -Religious. It's
42:03
a practical field -tested guide that walks you
42:05
step -by -step from friendship to real spiritual
42:08
conversation to the gospel itself without ever
42:12
needing to win an argument to get there. You
42:15
can get your copy of this valuable tool at a
42:17
special price today at livingontheedge .org slash
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P .O. Box 3007, Suwannee, Georgia, 30024. Well,
42:48
now here's Chip Ingram. As we wrap up today's
42:51
program, we really were addressing the core behind
42:55
conflict. And we all have conflict in relationships.
42:58
And sometimes the conflict is the other person
43:00
actually is doing things, saying things, acting
43:04
in ways that are so selfish that they have the
43:07
problem and they really ought and should change.
43:10
But usually it's not all them. I mean, I like...
43:13
to believe that honestly, and I know that you
43:15
like to believe that honestly when we're in an
43:17
argument or when we're hurt or when we're talking
43:20
to a friend and blaming, it's all my husband's
43:22
fault, it's all my spouse's fault. These kids,
43:25
after all that we've done for them, look at what
43:27
they're doing, looking how they're treating us.
43:29
You know, my boss, my supervisor, you know, he's
43:32
a jerk, she's a jerk. They did this, they did
43:34
that. Does this all sound familiar? What I want
43:37
you to know is that so much of that is rooted
43:40
in down deep in my heart and down deep in your
43:43
heart, with people, we have to prove that we're
43:47
okay. We feel that we have to be right because
43:51
if we're not right, people will think less of
43:54
us. And we have to demonstrate that we're in
43:56
control and we're an important person. And I
44:00
talked in today's teaching, and this has been
44:02
a long journey for me, but believing that I don't
44:06
need people's approval because I have God's approval.
44:10
Now, let me just pause for a moment. I mean,
44:12
you let that sink into your heart in the midst
44:14
of an awful lot of conflict that really is about
44:18
such trivial stuff. These are principles that
44:22
change relationships. And if you could get God's
44:26
security and take down the walls and believe
44:29
this truth and know that you're significant,
44:32
you're secure, that even sometimes if it's so
44:35
trivial, just let it go. Even if you're right,
44:40
just let it go. When you begin to grasp that
44:44
I don't need to win the argument because sometimes
44:48
winning an argument means I'm losing the relationship.
44:52
And I don't mean that you're a doormat. I don't
44:54
mean that you just agree with someone all the
44:57
time. But think of the conflict you're presently
45:00
having. Think of the person that you're in conflict
45:03
the most and think of the self -talk that you
45:06
have and how unconsciously or consciously you
45:10
have to prove that you are right and they are
45:12
wrong. Could I tell you that Jesus laid down
45:17
his rights and he didn't do it because he was
45:21
weak. He did it because he was meek. It's called
45:25
power. under control. It's called, I don't need
45:30
to win this trivial little thing. It's not worth
45:34
it because I already know who I am and who I
45:38
am in Christ. Can I encourage you to let some
45:42
of the little stuff go and to just give people
45:46
the benefit of the doubt and realize, you know
45:49
something, I think I'm going to lose this trivial
45:52
argument on purpose. and smile, and just move
45:56
on, and just see what happens. Well, next time
45:59
Chip introduces a principle he calls chronic
46:02
related -itis for that one relationship that
46:05
just never seems to change. Don't miss this impactful
46:08
lesson right here on Living on the Edge. Today's
46:14
program is produced and sponsored by Living on
46:17
the Edge.