Latest / The Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast / EP5. Getting Pregnant AGAIN!? My Quest to Make a Libra Baby – Mini Series
Transcript
- Heidi Lindeman: Hello and welcome back to the Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans podcast. I'm Heidi Lindemann. I'm your host. I'm a single mom by choice. I'm a therapist and a lover of feelings and emotions and the deep places of life. I have been doing a little mini series about the early days of momhood from prepping to get pregnant, pregnancy, birth. Last week I talked about the newborn days with my first. And this week I'm gonna talk about my experience of prepping for a second kiddo, how that happened and the pregnancy with her, with having a toddler as well. And I just wanna note this something that I think is funny or amusing or oddly wild and ⁓ like ⁓ my goodness you cannot make this stuff up ⁓ I recorded this episode already once ⁓ and I happened to do it on Friday May 22nd and I recorded another episode also on that Friday and I happened to decide to use my headphones I plug into my computer thinking that might give it better sound quality. I'm super excited, I got it done. I come back to edit them and there's no sound. No sound. None. None none at all. So I literally recorded two episodes, like an hour or so of work, that I cannot use. And it's hilarious to me because that day, astrologically, that's a little side passion I have is listening to a million astrology podcasts and thinking about astrology. There was a I'm gonna get it wrong. Mercury can Kazimi, maybe. There's some kind of crazy astrology where there was wild could be chaotic today. You never know what's gonna happen. So then to have a like total real didn't expect that to happen moment later just blows my mind. That also made me late to the ⁓ gathering I was gonna have with my friends. which is hilarious 'cause I got there and I told them, ⁓ I was late because I was recording some podcast episodes. And then turns out those podcast episodes can't even work. Anyway, here we are, good spirits, and doing it again. And hopefully this is will be the one that touches in your soul or more mom's experiences in a way that maybe I didn't tell it the first time. We'll see. Alright, so we're gonna go into Newborn stage with baby number one. So I'm four months postpartum. I'm standing in the kitchen cleaning dishes. Baby's taking a nap. And I feel this energetic spirit next to me. I sense something around me. And I knew immediately that I was gonna be a mom to another kid and that that was the baby, that her spirit was hanging around. I didn't actually know she was a she then, that its spirit was hanging around. Deep down, I knew that. And I felt touched and I felt honored, grateful, mm cheerful. I'm like, ⁓ I'm gonna be a mom again. That faded pretty quickly. And parts of me come in and I'm like, ⁓ my goodness. Hell no. There is no way that I'm doing that again, giving birth. That was traumatic and no thank you. And later I was talking to my postpartum dealer who also happens to be a therapist and was telling her about this. About this spirit baby that's hanging around us. Mm, the internal ⁓ confusion, chaos, uncertainty, even though there was this underlying knowing. And telling her like, why in the world? Why in the world would I ever want to have a baby? Again, when I really truly remember how challenging and hard and traumatic that birth was. Like I get that there are moms who like they forgot how hard it was, or at least that's what I've heard. People forget how hard the prep the birth was or the pregnancy was and they're like, ⁓ And so they do it again. But I haven't forgotten. I am very well aware. I did not like that experience. It was traumatic. It's still held in my body. I'm still recovering from it even four months postpartum. I was still recovering it for like a year postpartum. I mean, honestly. Maybe still am, and I'm five years postpartum now. Anyway, I digress. So I'm telling her that. And she just very kindly looking at me, nodding with me, and like, yep, I get it. Feel validated. And she also has two. So I ask her, why did you have two? Like were your births traumatic? She says n actually no. Neither of them were traumatic for me. Wait, what? Huh? But you can have a birth that doesn't feel traumatic? I could not conceptualize this. My mind was blown. I just sat with that. Yeah, I didn't they weren't traumatic. There was some pain, but they weren't traumatic. Interesting. So I sat with that for a while. Lot of time goes by. My kiddo is maybe a year and a half or so. And I catch baby fever like no one's business. All I can do is think about having a baby. All I can do is want to have a baby. I am researching names. I'm looking up new baby stuff to get. I am fully immersed in baby stuff. It just totally consumes me. Even when I'm working, I'm wishing that I could be looking at baby stuff or doing something about a baby. And I just dream about having another baby and having a little bassinet next to my bed. Having my little one having her have a sibling. That'd be fun. ⁓ no, I knew, yeah. Well, here we go, it's gonna come true. I'm gonna have another one. And then one day I was sitting and I was like, it's time. I had calculated in my head a million times when I wanted to have the baby in order to make my baby a Libra, because I am a Virgo sun, Aquarius Moon, Libra rising. My first kiddo is an Aquarius sun, Aquarius Moon, Scorpio rising. So my first kiddo was my moon sign. And I was like, I wanna make my next kiddo my rising sign. Because I think that would be cool. I really had no idea why. Really don't know why I wanted that. But it was very, very important to me that she be a Libra. And I was gonna do everything I could to make that happen. So I was calculating out when when would I need to get pregnant to do that? It's like, okay, I need probably need to get pregnant sometime in mid January, January ish, somewhere. Aim for maybe beginning of October so that we're not too close to either of the cusps in the middle of September, the middle of October. Like let's land this baby right in the middle of the season, Libra season. And That meant at that time I was gonna need to wait. Six more months. Because it was the middle of summer. I was like, I can't. I can't do it. I cannot wait that long. No, I can't do it. And this about fuck it. Who cares? I was also thinking about money at that time, planning on how much money I would need for maternity leave. If I worked this much longer, how much I would be able to save, what that would mean for going back from maternity leave. I planned it all out and everything was like you should wait until later. Except for my body said, I want a baby. So I reached out to the donor. The same one that my first one came from and asked him if he was available. And he was. I was so excited and I was so happy and I was like, okay, let's make it happen. Let's do this. Come on. And It was actually October when we tried and I got pregnant. And then I had miscarriage. I did talk about that miscarriage in the episode around miscarriages. So if you haven't listened to that, go ahead and go back to that. But this particular miscarriage was the one in which I was so able to be present with my grief that I allowed myself to deeply feel it and hold myself through the sadness and the tears and the pain that the grief passed really quickly. It was interesting. And then I knew I had to wait another month or two really because I had to wait give myself one full cycle because that's my rule. You must wait one full cycle before you try again to give my body time to heal. So I waited that cycle. It's like December sometime. And I was like, all right, let's do it. And my donor was not available. It must have been holiday season or there was some something where my ovulation time he was on vacation or something. And I had a part of me that got pretty angry. And That was hard to have that part that was angry. It's like, I I so want this baby, I want it right now. I don't wanna have to wait. And then I had another part of me jump in and say, you know, there's probably a good reason for this. You know, your baby's more likely to become a Libra now if you have to wait another cycle. There's gonna be a good reason, it's it's gonna all be work out, it's gonna be okay. And I did all only thing I could do is wait. And then January came, beginning of January, and I was ovulating. Like, all right, let's try. And I got pregnant. And the baby stuck. The beginning of January. And then I got excited. 'Cause I mapped out obviously the moment I got pregnant, the moment that I thought that I could get pregnant, I already used the the app or the calculator that tells you if you get pregnant this time when's your baby when's your due date? And my due date was ⁓ late September, September twenty fourth, somewhere in there. It may have not may not have been the exact the twenty fourth, ⁓ and that one, but it was around there. It's like, ooh, we actually have a chance. But it's gonna be close because The twenty-fourth of September is really close to the twentieth and around the twentieth is usually when the signs shift. So it's like as long as she doesn't as long as this baby doesn't come too early, we'll be okay. We'll make a we'll make a Libra. Yay, excited. She comes e early. She's gonna be a Virgo, not a Libra. Yeah, we'll see what happens. I got pregnant in that first trimester. I was so sick. I felt terrible. I was exhausted. I threw up a lot. I reached out to my doctor and was like, I can't, I can't handle this. I cannot be this sick as a single mom. I have this 18 month old kid that I'm trying to take care of. Or two years. She was almost two. ⁓ she was almost two. I was almost two year old. Kid, I'm trying to take care of. I have to keep working. I don't have the luxury to not work as a single mom. I need the money. I can't do this. And she prescribed me some meds. Some zofrin. Pretty sure that's what it's called. Which is anti nausea medification. And that helped. For sure helped with the nausea. It didn't make all the throw uping going away. I still absolutely took Zofran and still threw up several times. But it eased it a enough to try to function somewhat. So I'm in this first trimester. Have Zophran. And my kid I was gonna turn two. February 11th. She was gonna turn two. And I did what most moms probably do. I planned her birthday party. I decorated for her birthday party. I shopped for her birthday party. I had all her friends over her for her birthday party while feeling sick. Then I look back at it, I'm like, why did I do that? That was silly. Like she was too She's probably doesn't even remember her birthday party now. I totally could have just laid on the couch and been with her on that day and rested for myself. That's me thinking now, looking back, like, huh, I sure did push myself through a lot to have my kiddo's birthday party. That's interesting. So I have her birthday party. I keep feeling sick. There's days, so many days that I remember. I'm laying down on the couch after I pick her up from her daycare. She's sitting on the couch with the computer, which is our TV, in front of her. She's sucking her thumb. She's twirling her hair. She's watching Coco Melon. Or some other show that she liked. And that happened a lot. Because I was tired. I'd get enough energy, muster enough energy up to make her some dinner. Often something pretty easy like chicken nuggets and some fruit, some frozen peas. So she had something to eat. And then I'd get her to bed. And as soon as that girl was in bed, I was in bed. Because it was hard. It's hard to be impregnant and having a toddler, especially when the pregnancy is a hard pregnancy. And I have to do everything. I definitely learned to ask for more help. I asked my neighbors and other f family friends to pick up a kiddo, to bring her home, to play with her on the weekends. Where whenever I could get some help. But of course I'm still Mum. Mm Mom still has to do all the things. I'm part of this pregnancy. I had this D fear almost like a repulsion of this baby being a boy. I one day was talking to my friend and was like, I am not gonna be okay. I like literally am not gonna be okay. Going to fall apart. Have a mental breakdown or something if this baby is a boy. And I remember thinking, how like literally telling my friend, this is so absurd because I have always wanted a girl and then a boy and then a girl, but now I'm pregnant for the second time and I'm like, I won't be okay if I don't have two girls. I can let go of having a boy, but I cannot be okay if I don't have two girls. And the desire and the intensity was so strong. felt it through my entire being, my entire body, like deep in my soul. Like I have to have two girls. And it seems so odd to parts of me because I don't actually care about gender that much, but apparently a part of me does. ⁓ I am one hundred percent okay with my kids deciding whatever gender they want, expressing their gender however they want to, and I will absolutely one hundred per percent ⁓ love them and shift with them and use whatever pronouns they want me to use, whatever name they want me to use. It I do not care. I love my kids, love them dearly. So it's so fascinating to a part of me that this deep desire to have two girls. And that's so odd to me, to a part of me. But it was there. And I was anxious and spinning and I spun with this a lot. I talked to my therapist a lot about it. I talked to friends a lot about it. And it felt like it was an eternity until I got to figure out what gender this child was. And I can't remember if it was the early like eight week mm test that they can do. Nine week test or something. Or if it was a twenty week ultrasound that they did. I think it was a twenty sound ul twenty week ultrasound. And I I do remember When I found out it was a girl, this big wave of relief and joy and just gratitude tears pouring down my face of it's a girl. Thank God it's a girl. And She was. She was a girl. Right now I'm remembering that the ultrasound, the twenty ultrasound, my mom was there with me. And we got to see her little face and her little arms and her little body all in there. She was a great, healthy, strong little baby. And it's just such a sweet moment to see that baby on that screen. Like that's the first like real picture of the baby where it looks like an actual human. That's kind of a wild and amazing. And I really enjoyed that part. Just thinking if there's anything else I want to share. Remember at the end of the pregnancy I was felt really big. Like it felt like the baby was really huge and my stomach was really big and it was heavy and I my leg would keep falling asleep because of the way she was pushing on some kind of nerve. And I had to lift my belly up with my hands to just walk around, really. and it was That that part was hard. And here's another here's a funny moment. Okay. So it's summer. Summer has come and it's been hot. And I'm in my late second moving into the third trimester. I'm like so hot and I can't handle it. Our house has already has three window air conditioners in it. But there's one more window in our house that could have an air conditioner in it in our living room. And I was so hot one day. I was like, put that little girl, I took my my little kid out, put her in the car seat. We drove to Home Depot, and I'm like, I'm gonna find a better air conditioner. And we get one of the really the big ones, the big ones that it's like a big box that's outside of the window, and then there's a tube that connects into the window, but it has more power. And we get that. And I have the Home Depot people help me load into the car. Because I'm super pregnant and I have a toddler with me. And then we we get home. And ⁓ my gosh, just imagine this. There's this big pregnant lady with a toddler. And she pulls out a skateboard, a longboard. She puts it on the grass next to her car. And she heaves that big old air conditioner onto the longboard. And then her and her toddler push it down the sidewalk. We get onto the sidewalk, down the sidewalk, all the way to the steps. lift it up the steps, put it on the skateboard again, slide it right into the house, It was hilarious. Mean that bright milk. How am I gonna carry this thing inside? I don't I'm not really supposed to lift this much, but ⁓ my god, I'm hot. So how do I do this? And I did it. And I set that up and ⁓ the cool breeze. ⁓ that was one happy mama. ⁓ I'm just gonna sit in front of this, turn it down to like 60. Make it cold in here, make it like a fridge in here. Which is just a l a hilarious pregnant moment. Yeah. The rest of the pregnancy, other than it being really uncomfortable towards the end, it got a little bit easier because I didn't feel as as sick after ⁓ sixteen-ish, twenty-ish weeks. It did take that long for me to not feel sick anymore. ⁓ and There of course was the gender thing, that was a big thing for me. Being pregnant in summer was really big. ⁓ I definitely got in the pool as much as I could. Wanted to be cool as often as I could. And then We got to September, we were just waiting for the baby to come. And next time I'm gonna tell you the story of her birth and we'll see how long that takes and then potentially her early days, depending on how long that takes. That was pregnancy with baby number two as a single mom by choice. With a toddler who is about two for most of it. She was turned two. Baby was born when she was about two and a half. So there we are. ⁓ I hope this was stirring for your soul, or felt validating, or felt some kind of like, yeah, ⁓ she gets it. She's she knows. My pregnancy was something like that too. Maybe your pregnancy was nothing like that, but here's just another story of a another woman who has had a baby. And what that pregnancy was like. ⁓ if this was helpful for you, please. I would love it if you could share it with another mama. I'd love for more mums to hear this. If it you really enjoyed it, feel free to leave a comment, a five-star rating. I really appreciate anything that you can leave and I really enjoyed reading the reviews. So until next time, mamas, may you be well and loved.