Latest / Clear Path Christianity / How Christians Helped Me Heal || CPC Podcast Ep. 19
Transcript
- Cole Crone: So, in the last few episodes of this story arc that we are on, we have talked about How leaving a cult is difficult. How my my firsthand lived experience is that it's very difficult to leave a cult. I know that's not like a super profound idea. I mean, I'm sure anyone with half a brain knows that it's difficult to leave a cult. Exactly how difficult, maybe you don't know unless you've done it, but either way, it's extremely difficult. Not only that, but There are certain effects that tend to linger. recovery is a slow, sometimes arduous process that takes time and energy. And one of the surprising things, after kind of having been a little bit of a downer, I guess, in the last couple of episodes, I I sort of wanted to talk. A little bit about a particular type of blessing in my journey. and that was discovering how people within a community, in my case, the Christian community, can help wounded people heal. It's easy for us to assume that someone with particular status, particular credentials, maybe even particular types of life experiences are all that is needed to lead a person from point A, whatever your ground level catastrophe trauma is, to healing is is the right person but but i've actually found that it is the average person that was able to have the most sizable impact on on my healing process and so in this episode i want to talk about how ordinary christians helped me heal after leaving a cult So the first thing I want to say about how ordinary Christians helped me after leaving a cult is that they were patient. They were very patient with me. former cultists often carry things like confusion, suspicion, fear. All types of emotional baggage, often very bad theology, from their past life into their new community, their new church. Too often among the general population, as well as with many Christian communities, people expect recovery to happen quickly. you're not in the bad situation anymore and therefore you should live as though you're free of that situation. But of course that's easier said than done. Genuine healing rarely ever works that way. It it's almost never fast. And what one of the things that my Christian community did really, really, really well Is they listen to my story. They they genuinely listen to my story. Not just like the type of listening that you do when you're, you know, trying to formulate some kind of a response, but just but just genuinely heard what I had to say. they didn't rush me. Th the the there was no unreasonable expectations. there were no mile markers that I had to hit on in in my in my journey. They didn't pressure me to see the world the way that they do right away. They they they met me where I was and then and they they allowed me to process. I had I had a bunch of baggage emotional spiritual psychological, you name it. I had a bunch of baggage and I met a community of people who were patient with me as I as I chose what to throw out and what to keep and what I was clinging on to for dear life that I didn't actually need and and anything and everything in between. And that was that was a a hugely powerful thing to experience really for the first time in my life. The second thing that that my community did really, really well is they they answered my questions in a specific way. They they not only answered my questions, but they did so in a way that didn't make me feel any more stupid than I already did for having to ask. many former cultists come into new communities and discover large gaps in their understanding. when when we began to fellowship with a local church, we had we had tons and tons and tons of questions. Questions that were like the sort of thing you learn when you're in first grade Sunday school, sort of questions. what is salvation? How is it obtained? Right? We had some idea, But we we still had there were a lot there was a lot of gray area in our theology. what is what is baptism? How important is it? What why are there so many Bible translations? Why are there so many denominational distinctions? You know, the these these types of things. Again, the types of things that you kind of just take for granted as you grow up in the Christian community. Growing up in any community, there are dozens of things that you take for granted. And it's only once someone from the outside comes into the community and start asking questions, you're like, I hadn't actually actually really thought of that. And it's really easy to answer those questions because you haven't really thought of them in a way that makes the other person, the person asking, feel stupid for asking the question. But that that was hardly ever the case, which was super, super refreshing. That again, we were asking some of our questions, anyways, they felt embarrassingly basic. And the helpful Christians didn't laugh. didn't shame us, didn't act shocked. They just simply tried to help us understand. I mean, I had a group of men that I was meeting with regularly who were really coming alongside me and helping me to kind of see what this whole Christianity thing is. What does this look like in our day-to-day lives? How does this impact the way that we see the world? And on and on and on, And so it was it was really, really, really helpful to have my questions answered in a way that didn't make me feel any more out of place, let's say, than I already did. The third thing that they did really, really well is that they modeled Christianity instead of merely explaining it. So while they did do a very good job explaining it, Filling in the gaps, at least to the best of their ability, and helping me to see. sort of the the diversity of opinion on a particular issue when appropriate. So so they were doing that. But I think what was most important to to me was to actually see it lived out, actually see it played out in in real life. Because many cultists come from places that have very black and white thinking. And again, while I am totally in favor of the search for truth. Sometimes the best thing for a person who is searching to see is that a religion is embodied. A religion that is embodied, that is actually playing out and benefiting others, is better than one that is simply philosophically tight. In other words, it's like it's it's one thing for a system to have somewhat falsifiable truth claims. It's another thing to see it actually creating thriving communities cross culturally. So it it seem it seems to me that this was this was the particular This was the case for the particular worldview that I was taking on, is it was becoming more and more compelling as I was seeing it actually play out. Just a few examples. Seeing Christians who loved their families was huge. My family loved conditionally, always. My family was willing to love me as long as I was willing to stay. As soon as I left, They were happy to no longer have anything to do with me. So people seeing Christians love their families, even when it was difficult, even when they had a wayward child, or their, you know, jerk of an uncle, or that cousin who, you know, has all of these issues. Even in those situations, they love their families. They they served others. Everybody served. Everybody was was trying to build up other people in the community, outside their community, whatever. They forgave people. People make mistakes, But they admitted the mistakes and they forgave people. They showed humility. And and most importantly, I think for us, for my wife and I, what was most important for us is that they welcomed us. And they showed a genuine interest in knowing us. And again, you gotta remember, we didn't have hardly anybody when when we came out of our cult, out of our former community. We didn't really know anybody. And so to be warmly welcomed into this new community was was huge for us. Enormously healing for us to experience. Because for me, I was raised believing that most Christians were indistinguishable from everyone else. While, of course, that is the case. Of course it is. Like any group, there are people who talk a talk that they don't walk. That's come on. Socrates was talking about that 2,500 years ago. I found that the overwhelming majority of folks were trying their best to demonstrate the love of Christ to others. Were were they perfect always? Definitely not. Show me a community that is. I it doesn't exist. But it was so much better than what I had and so much better than what I was seeing everywhere else. It it was it really helped us overcome so many of the obstacles that we were facing. Two, three, four. The next thing I wanna look at is w was a really, really, really odd one for me in particular. And it was the idea that they didn't demand total agreement. Now, where I grew up, as I've said many, many, many times, instant agreement was mandatory. Conformity was king. You had to look like everybody else, act like everybody else, and most importantly, think like everybody else. And so you towed the line and you didn't ask questions. The context in which I came from specifically. The cult that I grew up in produced two types of people who left. You had people who knew nothing and knew they knew nothing. They were the ones who needed their basic questions answered. I had some of those. My wife had some of those. And on the other hand, you had people. Who knew nothing and thought they knew everything. And they were the much more frustrating people to disciple, I'm sure. and I know because I was unfortunately the latter type of person. I was somebody who thought I knew everything and really didn't know much of anything at all, especially in hindsight. I would I would frequently express my hare-brained ideas that I had heard. from the last from whoever I happen to be listening to on the radio or whatever Christian podcast I happen to be tuning into, thinking that I was smart and that I was gonna expose the logical flaws of everybody else's arguments, everyone else who disagreed with me. Now, of course, again, I'm just regurgitating the latest thing that I had heard. I I I I didn't actually have real wisdom, but thankfully the people around me did. And Rather than just like harshly correct me, they they just gently informed me that I was representing one of many viable positions that can be held on a particular topic. And to me that was like, what do you guys mean? Like you you're allowed to agree to disagree in this community? How how does that work? Like what is I don't even know what agreeing to disagree even means. 'Cause that's like not where I came from. And they were like, yeah, you know, some people disagree, some people agree, some people disagree. I was like I thought I knew all there was to know about the end times, and so I would like spout my end times ideas out there. And they were like, yeah, that's There are as many opinions about the end times as there are people living on the planet. So it was like, I didn't know that. I was I thought I was gonna teach everybody about what end times theology was right. they were very patient with me and helped me to see that there can be differences of opinion and that we don't have to demand total agreement. The next thing I want to talk about was really, really, really important for me to actually see lived out. It was super it was super healing to my soul. But these people, the people that I began to fellowship with in the Christian community, they pointed me to Christ rather than pointing me to themselves. And and that was that was huge to me because As as a former cultist, my cult was like all the others, which they they tend to create a dependence, an unhealthy dependence on leaders or gurus, the the organization, the the special teacher in the community, What whatever it is. And this was a huge problem where I grew up. And so I come from that, and I get into a healthy Christian church, and I see Christians modeling something entirely different. Instead of drawing people to themselves, they were pointing to the beauty of God as displayed in scripture. person of Jesus Christ in the gospel, For the first time in my life, I was being told to keep my eyes fixed on the hero of the story. Rather than on something or someone else. And to me, that was the thing that made me leave my community in the first place was seeing the person of Jesus Christ for who he really is. And so to to gather myself with other people who wanted to keep our eyes fixed on him rather than on. our community or our denomination or right, whatever the case might be. I I came to to find healing in people who were looking to Jesus. The leaders pointed to Jesus. Everybody in the pews was pointing to Jesus, Not themselves. And so the Christian church helped me because it it sought To cultivate maturity as I grow, as I grew to know Christ, rather than on a communal dependence, which is what I had been raised with and had rejected and had decided that that that road was never going to work. That path was never going to lead me to what I wanted. I wanted to be more like Christ. And a community that continuously pointed me to Him. Was the kind of community that was going to heal my soul. Okay, the next the next point is the the one that I'm gonna try not to get emotional in relaying. But the the Christian church helped me heal by letting me belong before I had everything figured out. Because I I I was a legitimate wreck. I I was I I was very, very, very good at pretending like I was okay. But I wasn't. I wasn't okay at all, actually. my family wasn't okay at all, actually. again, we were very good at pretending. We'd pretended all of our lives. So per for us to pretend was like nothing. That's just Wednesday. But I I was always used to belonging through conformity, Many former cultists are accustomed to this dynamic, right? You conform and you belong. Cease to conform, you will cease to belong. That's how this works. And so when we moved into the local church and we experienced belonging through grace for the first time. Everybody was okay admitting that they weren't perfect, admitting that they had made huge mistakes, admitting that they were struggling with particular sin issues, admitting that they weren't loving their spouse like they should, or their kids like they should, or taking their career as seriously as they ought to, or they weren't as willing to serve others as they would like to be. And and to me that was super refreshing. We were we were brought in not because we were anything special, but because we weren't anything special. We were we were brought in because we were just like everybody else. We needed grace, like everybody else. And so what helped us was people who invited us into our lives in spite of our brokenness, Welcomed us into their family. welcomed our family into their family, included us in things, wanted us around, continuously reached out to us and checked in on us. And I mean this is during this was a lot of this was during COVID when it was like really tough to have relationships with people. Like all around the world, it was very difficult to have relationships, and yet we felt connected. We felt more connected to community Than we had for the thirty years prior to ковід. And we continue to feel more connected now than than ever. And of and of course it's there are obstacles. And of course we're working on overcoming them. And of course we aren't perfect. Again, no community is. But but the ability bul to belong is always there. There's there's no pressure to earn acceptance. There's no there's no pressure to earn acceptance, which Is completely foreign to the first 32 years of my life. The only thing that I was ever working towards was to earn acceptance. Whether it was to be accepted by my parents or to be accepted by my friends or to be accepted by the particular girl that I was courting at the time, whatever, I was always trying to earn someone's approval. And it seems to me that no matter where a person was in their journey, wherever they were, whether they were at the very beginning or nearing the end, they could come to the community, they could come to the church and be blessed by the presence of Christ through his church. And it was it was mind-boggling to me that there was a a come as you are kind of mentality. That that we were able to belong. And we were helped to overcome the thing so that we didn't have to stay as we were. We were welcomed in and we were helped on the path forward. And those were two things that we just desperately needed. Because I was, I was the most broken that I'd ever been for the several years prior to coming out of the cult. And that brokenness remained for many years after. But the the number one thing that helped me to succeed in getting better and and taking each step towards recovery day after day after day was the ministry of presence. Was it was other Christians being willing to be with me, to welcome me in, to to love my family. To love me and to accept me for where I was in my journey, rather than constantly reminding me of where I wasn't. I was aware of my flaws. I was plenty aware of my flaws. Most of us are. And they were they were gracious with me and accepting that I was a flawed person and helped me to see, yeah, man, that's kind of we're all flawed people. This is a hospital for the sick, not a country club for you know, only the rich and powerful to come hang out. This is a this is a place for broken people. So if you're a broken person, welcome. You're amongst your peers here. And I I really needed to feel that way. And it was super healing for me and my family. So so when I look back, I can see that God was using a number of things to help me heal from the pain of leaving the only life that I had ever known. He used scripture, he used prayer, he used the study of theology and church history. He he used a lot of time. He he used lots of things. But he also used people. He used ordinary people, ordinary Christians with day jobs, With families, with tons of responsibilities, and and and everything in between, It wasn't just leaders, it wasn't just mentors, although those people were extremely helpful as well. I'll probably do a whole episode on how they helped me to heal. But it was it was refreshing to me that the average person could make an enormous impact on my ability to recover from having been raised in an abusive community. Many of the Christians who helped me probably had zero idea, zero idea of what their influence, what kind of impact their influence was having on me. It it could have been something as simple as a conversation. The right conversation at the right time, something that felt very run-of-the-mill, very nonchalant, very just laxadaisical, just. Hey man, how's it going? That type of thing. Like, how was your week? Like that that question, sometimes that was all that it was to just spark a conversation that would just that would did so much good for me as a person. It it was at times it was something as simple as an invitation. Hey man, you wanna go wanna go hang out? I got a thing this weekend. You wanna go hang out? Hey, you want to get together and jump in the sauna? You ever you ever done a cold plunge? You know, just like stuff like that. Just random things that you just do on the weekend. And and I was invited. And those those invitations just they were so healing to me because I felt like I could be I f I felt like I was part of something that I had never been part of before. And it was the little it was the little things. Maybe it was a patient answer. Maybe I had a stupid question or I thought I had an answer. To a question that was just a stupid harebrained idea. And they they they were able to work with me and to help me to heal. It could have just been a simple act of kindness. Just the most simple, basic, run-of-the-mill act of kindness, did an enormous good for me in my in my inward being, in my heart of hearts. And these things mattered more than those people probably. realized at the time. And if if you're like me and you're coming out of an abusive or high control situation and you've found comfort and peace in a new community, take a moment, here's my call to action. You ready? It's real hard. Take a moment to thank the people who helped you. Because they probably don't think that they're doing anything special. When they do these things that are enormously helpful to your soul. And so take a moment to to thank the people who have helped you to heal from the traumatic situation that you came out of.