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Soft Launch · Everyone Has An Ex

0:12
Speaker 1: You're listening to a MoMA Mia podcast.
0:17
Speaker 2: Mama Mia acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters.
0:21
Speaker 2: This podcast is recorded on moving in together. Some couples
0:32
Speaker 2: do it quickly, some choose to wait a while. For
0:34
Speaker 2: Fionna and Steve, it was the former, wasting no time
0:37
Speaker 2: in creating their own special memories and routines. Plus, it
0:41
Speaker 2: really is the best way to really get to know someone.
0:44
Speaker 1: I quite liked that thing of sharing a space, sharing
0:48
Speaker 1: a home, Like when he wasn't as good places and
0:51
Speaker 1: I'd come back and he'd have all the candles lurt
0:53
Speaker 1: and some like jazz music which we used to listen
0:55
Speaker 1: to on and he'd be like reading one of our
0:57
Speaker 1: favorite books, and my dog would be cilled up next
0:59
Speaker 1: to him, and I'd like come in and we're like
1:02
Speaker 1: He's like hey, and everything smells amazing, and I'm just like, yeah,
1:06
Speaker 1: this is so nice.
1:07
Speaker 2: But even though you share a space, there are always
1:09
Speaker 2: places secrets can be hidden, secrets that, when found, will
1:13
Speaker 2: have you questioning whether you ever really knew that person
1:16
Speaker 2: at all.
1:16
Speaker 1: I was like, Steve, I know, and then he smiles
1:20
Speaker 1: at men, he goes you went on my iPad. I
1:23
Speaker 1: forgot to eraise them from there. Oh my god. That
1:30
Speaker 1: was his first reaction was the smile at the fact
1:33
Speaker 1: that he'd forgotten or had been caught. The smile shock
1:37
Speaker 1: me to my core.
1:47
Speaker 2: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an X.
1:50
Speaker 2: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
1:52
Speaker 2: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the
1:57
Speaker 2: hearts of the very people who lived them. Today, I'm
2:00
Speaker 2: introducing you to Fiona. Fiona looks at her life in
2:03
Speaker 2: two parts BA and AA Before and After Australia. She
2:08
Speaker 2: moved across the ditch from New Zealand.
2:10
Speaker 1: So I moved and with Lisa, the friend of mine,
2:13
Speaker 1: made a lot of friends. Work was going great, brought
2:17
Speaker 1: my dog over and I was like, yeah, you know,
2:19
Speaker 1: the only thing kind of not necessarily missing but that
2:22
Speaker 1: could be an add on was to meet a man.
2:25
Speaker 1: So I started joining the dating apps and I matched
2:30
Speaker 1: with Steve, who was a musician and my dad's a musician,
2:35
Speaker 1: so a little bit of a connection there. Six foot six,
2:39
Speaker 1: so gorgeous there as well, great looking man, and so yeah,
2:43
Speaker 1: we matched. We started talking and it turned out that
2:48
Speaker 1: he actually lived about two and a half hours away
2:51
Speaker 1: from me in Sydney, but he'd just been visiting at
2:54
Speaker 1: the time that we'd matched.
2:55
Speaker 2: They were both thirty, had a heap of shared interests,
2:58
Speaker 2: and as it turned out, very similar lifestyles.
3:01
Speaker 1: He was well traveled that he moved around a lot
3:04
Speaker 1: as a musician, and my job as a chef means
3:08
Speaker 1: I move around a lot like freelance. Kind of that
3:12
Speaker 1: I understood that lifestyle of not just always being in
3:15
Speaker 1: one place and liked that he would kind of understand
3:18
Speaker 1: that I wouldn't be around all the time either. He
3:21
Speaker 1: mentioned just about his passions for music, that he studied
3:27
Speaker 1: opera and things at school, and I was like, wow,
3:30
Speaker 1: like it's really interesting. He looks like such a big,
3:33
Speaker 1: buff guy, but he's theater trained and operatraying, and I
3:37
Speaker 1: kind of liked that difference to be evening, like he
3:40
Speaker 1: looks so tough, but you like did ballet at school.
3:43
Speaker 1: Like I'm like, you know, that like mixture for me.
3:45
Speaker 1: I was like, that's very attractive. We chatted for about
3:49
Speaker 1: two weeks and then we organized for him to come
3:52
Speaker 1: and meet me and Sydney and we'd have our first date.
3:56
Speaker 1: And our first date was actually one of the better
3:59
Speaker 1: first dates that i'd had conversation flowed, and we had
4:04
Speaker 1: a great icebreaker because where he was dressed exactly the
4:08
Speaker 1: same as the matri d e down to like same
4:11
Speaker 1: whose same pants, like same shirt, and they both didn't
4:16
Speaker 1: have hair. So that was, yeah, a great icebreaker, good conversation,
4:22
Speaker 1: like very intellectual, quite funny, had a good head on
4:26
Speaker 1: his shoulders. I mean being a bit nervous about the
4:30
Speaker 1: musician thing because it can be something that's a bit
4:33
Speaker 1: like touch and go, like where your next paycheck's going
4:36
Speaker 1: to come from. But he treated it like a business
4:39
Speaker 1: and I was like, okay, well that's screaz. That why
4:41
Speaker 1: I do it here, Like I arrive on time, I
4:43
Speaker 1: make sure I never drink on the job. Like he
4:45
Speaker 1: came across very professional. That made like that seem like
4:49
Speaker 1: a not an issue anymore. We had a little smooch
4:52
Speaker 1: after the date, and then I think we went to
4:57
Speaker 1: one more pub after that and had like a closing
4:59
Speaker 1: drink and watched some live music that was going on,
5:03
Speaker 1: and then yeah, did our good night switch and he
5:06
Speaker 1: went just so you know, I don't sleep with girls
5:09
Speaker 1: on a first date. I wasn't going to sleeve on
5:13
Speaker 1: the first date. Like he was like, oh, well, a
5:16
Speaker 1: lot of girls have a problem that I won't go
5:18
Speaker 1: home with them, like I've I've run into that issue before,
5:22
Speaker 1: and I said, you don't have that issue. I wasn't
5:24
Speaker 1: inviting you home, Okay, Green Flag for a dating app
5:28
Speaker 1: made up. Fiona was keen to keep chatting and hopefully
5:30
Speaker 1: see him again if she got that often elusive text.
5:33
Speaker 2: After the first date.
5:36
Speaker 1: I heard from him straight away and he was very
5:38
Speaker 1: very chatty. We would talk on the phone a lot,
5:42
Speaker 1: said that I was exactly what he'd been looking for.
5:45
Speaker 1: And then I went away for work for four weeks
5:49
Speaker 1: so we couldn't see each other. So it was very
5:52
Speaker 1: like it went straight into being like a long distance relationship.
5:57
Speaker 1: I had done long distance relationships before, but there were
5:59
Speaker 1: things that he added and that I hadn't done before.
6:02
Speaker 1: So we would like, you can watch a movie together
6:05
Speaker 1: on your phone while on FaceTime, so you can like
6:08
Speaker 1: link your phones together and be on FaceTime and be
6:11
Speaker 1: what it at that exact same time. So when I'd
6:14
Speaker 1: finished work, we'd like share watching movies together and like
6:18
Speaker 1: chat throughout it and fall asleep. And I was like,
6:20
Speaker 1: it's quite a cute way of like if you're not
6:22
Speaker 1: going to be around each other all the time of
6:24
Speaker 1: being able to like keep it alive when you're like,
6:27
Speaker 1: we've been on one date and now we're not going
6:29
Speaker 1: to see each other for a month, so we're very
6:32
Speaker 1: keen on each other. And then I work on boats.
6:35
Speaker 1: So I got off the boat for the end of
6:38
Speaker 1: the charter and he picked me up and he had
6:41
Speaker 1: a bottle of wine in the car, and he'd packed
6:44
Speaker 1: like an overnight bag and he took me straight out
6:46
Speaker 1: for this lovely jazz night. Like we had a really
6:49
Speaker 1: nice time, and I'd just come off the boat, so
6:50
Speaker 1: I was pretty naked, but he kept his energy up
6:53
Speaker 1: and I think it kind of bought my energy up
6:55
Speaker 1: as well, and now we just had like a lovely
6:58
Speaker 1: time together. I had to go back on the boat
7:01
Speaker 1: the next day, and he was going to stay somewhere else,
7:05
Speaker 1: and he did the same thing, like we're not sitch
7:06
Speaker 1: a look, if you're going to sleep in your car,
7:09
Speaker 1: don't worry like I've got a out. You're more than
7:13
Speaker 1: welcome to krash. We've been talking for a month, You've
7:15
Speaker 1: taken me out for this amazing time. You're more than
7:17
Speaker 1: welcome to stay, and don't worry like there's going to
7:20
Speaker 1: be no pressure to do anything. He's like, okay, great.
7:23
Speaker 1: So he stayed at mine. I had to leave super
7:25
Speaker 1: early in the morning, and I was like, look, let
7:27
Speaker 1: yourself out whenever you want to go, and i'll see
7:30
Speaker 1: you when i'm back.
7:31
Speaker 2: And see him when she got back.
7:33
Speaker 1: She did, so probably six weeks in. I was like,
7:36
Speaker 1: I'll introduce you to my friends. So he came and
7:39
Speaker 1: we had like this big dinner party with mimosas, and
7:43
Speaker 1: I cooked and another friend of mine cooked and we
7:45
Speaker 1: just had really nice, wholesome time and he met everyone
7:49
Speaker 1: and he was amazing, Like I thought he was brilliant,
7:51
Speaker 1: and I was like, yeah, like my friends can be
7:54
Speaker 1: quite full on. And I was like yeah, it's like
7:56
Speaker 1: he's handling it and he's thrown it back and I
7:58
Speaker 1: just thought, yeah, this is it. And then he was like, oh,
8:01
Speaker 1: there's this concert on tonight, Fred again, I've always wanted
8:05
Speaker 1: to see them. Do you want to go? So I
8:07
Speaker 1: was like, okay, we'll go to this concert. And then
8:11
Speaker 1: on the way there up at me, I left my
8:14
Speaker 1: idea at home and we got to the concert and
8:16
Speaker 1: they were like, you can't get in without ID, and
8:19
Speaker 1: I was like, oh no, So we had to go
8:21
Speaker 1: back to pick it up to then come back again,
8:24
Speaker 1: and I remember feeling really nervous about how we're going
8:27
Speaker 1: to miss half this concert, and he was so calm
8:30
Speaker 1: and cool and collected. He was like, hey, it's a mistake.
8:32
Speaker 1: Things happened, don't worry, Like I'll pay for the ubers,
8:35
Speaker 1: like it's an accident. We rushed out, like we'll just
8:38
Speaker 1: go get your idea and we'll come back and we'll
8:40
Speaker 1: watch what's there. And for me that was a big
8:42
Speaker 1: thing because I'm a bit airy fairy. I like that
8:45
Speaker 1: someone's like, you know, it's all right, and I liked
8:47
Speaker 1: that it was no like anger or moodiness around it,
8:50
Speaker 1: so I was like, yeah, that's pretty good. And then
8:53
Speaker 1: after the concert he asked me if I wanted to
8:55
Speaker 1: be his girlfriend, and I was like, yes, okay, let's
8:59
Speaker 1: do it. He was a very good boyfriend. I can
9:03
Speaker 1: be quite reserved when it comes to my feelings and
9:06
Speaker 1: talking about things, and I think what I really like
9:09
Speaker 1: fell for was him gently pushing me to talk about things.
9:14
Speaker 1: So if I would get quiet because something bugged me
9:17
Speaker 1: or long days, he'd be like, you need to talk
9:20
Speaker 1: about this, like don't just block it.
9:22
Speaker 2: Up.
9:22
Speaker 1: You need to talk about these things, like you're gonna
9:24
Speaker 1: feel so much better. And he had like a lot
9:27
Speaker 1: of emotional maturity intelligence. Yeah, And I was like, you know,
9:31
Speaker 1: if that is something that I really want to get
9:33
Speaker 1: better at. And so that i'd met someone who was like,
9:37
Speaker 1: talk about this or I'd be like if he'd done
9:39
Speaker 1: something that bugged me, and I was like, I don't
9:40
Speaker 1: want to piss you off by telling you that you've
9:42
Speaker 1: done something that bugs me, and he'd like, you need
9:45
Speaker 1: to and then I would and he'd be calm and like, oh,
9:48
Speaker 1: I didn't know that that was a problem, Like I
9:50
Speaker 1: would just be more conscious of it next time. So
9:52
Speaker 1: for me, I was like, yeah, okay, this is pretty
9:55
Speaker 1: like this is good for what I would like for
9:58
Speaker 1: my future as someone who will encourage me to speak
10:01
Speaker 1: and to speak freely.
10:03
Speaker 2: It meant that he was a good talker too. He
10:05
Speaker 2: opened up about his past, so she got to know
10:07
Speaker 2: him on a deeper level quite quickly.
10:09
Speaker 1: He'd had six years long term relationship when they split up.
10:14
Speaker 1: They took a couple of years off and now they
10:16
Speaker 1: were friends and so I was like, okay, well that's good.
10:18
Speaker 1: That seems again emotionally mature because they were quite young
10:21
Speaker 1: at the time that they got together. So I was like,
10:24
Speaker 1: that's a good sign to me. And they're talking bad
10:27
Speaker 1: about one X, I'm like, you know, if there's one,
10:30
Speaker 1: we've all got at least one bad X. That is true.
10:33
Speaker 1: So I was like, yeah, you know, if you were
10:35
Speaker 1: talking bad about all of them, I'd have a problem.
10:37
Speaker 1: But the fact that it's a standalone then not so much.
10:42
Speaker 1: And he shared some sexual trauma that he had, which
10:48
Speaker 1: was a reason as to why he didn't want to
10:50
Speaker 1: rush into things. And I think, I mean we naturally progressed.
10:55
Speaker 1: I couldn't say exactly when it happened, but it took
10:58
Speaker 1: some time for him to get comfortable. So there was
11:00
Speaker 1: a lot of like genuinely taking it very slow with
11:04
Speaker 1: the different levels of things, to the extent of like
11:07
Speaker 1: start off with dry humping and then like a bit
11:09
Speaker 1: of a care like it was very much like back
11:12
Speaker 1: in high school, and you're like learning to walk, you're
11:15
Speaker 1: learning to walk that path. The silver lining of us
11:18
Speaker 1: not rushing into sex was the fact that we got
11:22
Speaker 1: to take it slowly, so you get to explore and
11:25
Speaker 1: know each other properly before you even do that. And
11:28
Speaker 1: also that it meant that he wasn't just looking for
11:31
Speaker 1: one thing and like playing around or faking it to
11:34
Speaker 1: get into my pants. You know, like once he was comfortable,
11:39
Speaker 1: and it still wasn't a big priority to him, so
11:42
Speaker 1: I think, I, well, I came in thinking, you know,
11:45
Speaker 1: once he's comfortable, it'll become something quite frequent, but it
11:49
Speaker 1: still wasn't very frequent, so I was like, it'll get there.
11:54
Speaker 1: He was very vocal that he was a highly sexual
11:57
Speaker 1: person and really liked it and enjoyed every aspect of it,
12:01
Speaker 1: but that it was just him getting over something, and
12:04
Speaker 1: so I was like, totally fine. So I did see
12:06
Speaker 1: it as something that would happen in the future, that
12:09
Speaker 1: it would be something regular and fun, enjoyable for both
12:13
Speaker 1: of us.
12:14
Speaker 2: And remember they leaved a couple of hours away from
12:16
Speaker 2: each other, so when they did see each other, they
12:18
Speaker 2: wanted to make the most of it.
12:20
Speaker 1: He'd come and stay with me for about four or
12:22
Speaker 1: five days while he was in Sydney, and I would
12:26
Speaker 1: go and stay with him two and a half hours
12:28
Speaker 1: away every second week for a weekend around my work,
12:32
Speaker 1: and so we kind of did long distance, but because
12:35
Speaker 1: it was such a long trip, we kind of stayed
12:36
Speaker 1: for a while, and then after I think we were
12:41
Speaker 1: six months in he was getting lots more work in
12:44
Speaker 1: Sydney and I had to move out from Lisa's house
12:50
Speaker 1: because they were selling the property. So I was looking
12:53
Speaker 1: at moving into a different part of Sydney and thought,
12:57
Speaker 1: why don't we move in together. Then at least we're
13:00
Speaker 1: having the rent and you're staying quite frequently at the moment,
13:04
Speaker 1: and he was like, absolutely, that would be great. Six
13:07
Speaker 1: months and is not a lot of time, but like,
13:10
Speaker 1: I'm very much like if it's gonna work out, it's
13:13
Speaker 1: gonna work out. If it's not, it's not like you
13:16
Speaker 1: can spend two years not living with someone moving and
13:18
Speaker 1: it doesn't work out, and some people moving straight away
13:21
Speaker 1: and it does. I think if you're compatible living together,
13:24
Speaker 1: you should probably find out sooner rather than later. He
13:27
Speaker 1: worked nights, I work days, but I could join him
13:30
Speaker 1: for his nights, you know, being a musician, and I
13:32
Speaker 1: could go and you know, watch their gize my favorite thing.
13:35
Speaker 1: I'd bring my crossword or my book and I'd be
13:38
Speaker 1: like the Muzo's girlfriend in the corner doing my crosswords,
13:40
Speaker 1: watching and just being like eh. So I absolutely loved
13:44
Speaker 1: it for that, and then he was home with the
13:45
Speaker 1: dog for the day, and there were so many amazing parts.
13:50
Speaker 2: But dear listener, when you do move in with someone,
13:53
Speaker 2: no matter how well you know them, it's inevitable you'll
13:55
Speaker 2: learn things about them you didn't know before.
13:58
Speaker 1: I got the impression from us visiting each other that
14:02
Speaker 1: he was very clean and put together and organized, and
14:06
Speaker 1: I'm very clean and put together and organized. But I
14:08
Speaker 1: didn't realize that when I was coming to visit, he
14:10
Speaker 1: was doing that because I was coming to visit and
14:12
Speaker 1: it wasn't how he lived. So then when we were
14:14
Speaker 1: actually living together, I'd get drunk because I'd be like,
14:18
Speaker 1: I've made dinner and the dishes are still here in
14:20
Speaker 1: the afternoon the next day, and if I do the dishes,
14:23
Speaker 1: You're like, no, no, no, I'm going to do them.
14:24
Speaker 1: I'm like, but they can't sit there for twelve hours.
14:27
Speaker 1: And there were things that I'd be like, I don't
14:29
Speaker 1: want a relationship, which I'd been very vocal about the
14:33
Speaker 1: whole time, I don't want to be the mother in
14:36
Speaker 1: this relationship, and tell me that he was such a
14:39
Speaker 1: big gamer, which is one of the things was that.
14:43
Speaker 1: I mean, sometimes i'd come home from work, and he
14:45
Speaker 1: has gotten out of bed and onto the computer, and
14:48
Speaker 1: I've been at work and come back and hasn't moved.
14:50
Speaker 1: And I understand everyone's got hobbies and things that they enjoy,
14:54
Speaker 1: but six hours of anything is too much. Sometimes he'd
14:58
Speaker 1: be like, you're absolutely right. I've had a shock of
15:01
Speaker 1: a day. I ended up gaming instead of working. I
15:05
Speaker 1: had so much work to do today and I did
15:06
Speaker 1: this instead. And other times he would be like, you're
15:10
Speaker 1: so controlling, Like why do you I feel like kept
15:12
Speaker 1: to control it. This is my house too, If I
15:13
Speaker 1: want to live like that, it would very It would
15:16
Speaker 1: differ depending on his mood for how he would respond.
15:20
Speaker 1: As adults, I feel like, yes, you can have some
15:22
Speaker 1: days where we've had a rough time and you've skipped
15:24
Speaker 1: the dishes, but every day is not okay, And like
15:28
Speaker 1: I make the bed every morning when I get up,
15:29
Speaker 1: but if you're getting up at ten, you've got to
15:30
Speaker 1: make the bed. I don't want to come home in
15:32
Speaker 1: the afternoon to a bed not made. And they all
15:34
Speaker 1: seemed quite trivial to me, but they are still problems,
15:39
Speaker 1: and they are problems that get worse over time, not better.
15:42
Speaker 1: If they don't like the noil doesn't get hit on
15:44
Speaker 1: the head. They started happening pretty much straight off the band.
15:48
Speaker 1: There wasn't the honeymoon period of we've just moved in together.
15:51
Speaker 1: How fun is this? I thought it just takes some
15:54
Speaker 1: time to get used to living with each other. To
15:56
Speaker 1: be honest, I think that I'd lived alone for the
16:00
Speaker 1: last few years. He lived in a flatmate situation, but
16:03
Speaker 1: not with the girlfriend for the last few years. So
16:06
Speaker 1: and that's the difference between sharing your space and sharing
16:09
Speaker 1: your bed and sharing your bathroom. Like that's change. And
16:12
Speaker 1: I think it's an adjustment period for anyone, you know.
16:15
Speaker 1: So I just thought it's going to take some adjusting.
16:19
Speaker 1: Actually found that I quite liked coming home to someone
16:22
Speaker 1: like I quite liked that thing of sharing a space,
16:26
Speaker 1: sharing a home, like when he was in as good
16:29
Speaker 1: places and I'd come back and he'd have all the
16:31
Speaker 1: candles lit and some like jazz music which we used
16:34
Speaker 1: to listen to on and he'd be like reading one
16:36
Speaker 1: of our favorite books, and my dog would be killed
16:38
Speaker 1: up next to him, and I'd like come in and
16:40
Speaker 1: we're like he's like hey, and everything smells amazing, and
16:43
Speaker 1: I'm just like, yeah, this is so nice. I mean,
16:46
Speaker 1: take that away, just coming home to a tidy house
16:48
Speaker 1: and someone who's happy to see you. It's like, you know,
16:51
Speaker 1: it's just simple things. So I definitely loved that side
16:54
Speaker 1: of it.
16:55
Speaker 2: And at the end of the day, she really did
16:57
Speaker 2: love him.
16:58
Speaker 1: Before we'd moved in, had to have done that. I
17:00
Speaker 1: love you is. He was a very passionate person, and
17:04
Speaker 1: my love for him, like he was very open about
17:07
Speaker 1: his emotions, so my love for him felt very real
17:10
Speaker 1: because there was there was so much depth behind the
17:14
Speaker 1: reasons why I loved him. There wasn't a surface thing.
17:17
Speaker 1: There was like so many things we talked about past
17:21
Speaker 1: and future and family and his family and mine that
17:24
Speaker 1: felt very like intense, but our lives itself weren't necessarily intense.
17:31
Speaker 1: We were just going through the motions, but they love
17:33
Speaker 1: did for me for sure. He very much felt the
17:36
Speaker 1: same and called me like his dreamer and he loves
17:39
Speaker 1: it because he's always been a dreamer and has so
17:42
Speaker 1: many big plans and I'm just as much of a
17:45
Speaker 1: dreamer than him, but I've got a way to make
17:47
Speaker 1: it happen, and he loves it for me because he
17:49
Speaker 1: never knows quite how to get there, but he'll come
17:51
Speaker 1: to me with his dreams and I'll be like, yes,
17:53
Speaker 1: it sounds amazing. We could put this in place and
17:55
Speaker 1: do this then. And you know, because I'm a planner,
17:57
Speaker 1: so he was like, yay, you make my dreams feel
17:59
Speaker 1: like they could come true. We had plans to dreams
18:04
Speaker 1: of running like wedding venues. So my parents both have
18:08
Speaker 1: amazing properties, so we were like, we could do a
18:11
Speaker 1: low wedding like me as a chef, him as a musician.
18:15
Speaker 1: Me good at organizing his, like people skills. They've got vineyards,
18:19
Speaker 1: there's like the wine, Like we've got all of the
18:22
Speaker 1: things that together we could come up with this wedding
18:25
Speaker 1: idea that was definitely one of our dreams. And traveling
18:28
Speaker 1: as well. Both loved to travel.
18:32
Speaker 2: But the travel plans would have to wait because when
18:34
Speaker 2: Steve did move to Sydney, things got a bit tricky
18:36
Speaker 2: money wise.
18:37
Speaker 1: I was footing the bill for a lot, and I
18:41
Speaker 1: mean he was very much like I'm going to get there,
18:44
Speaker 1: like I've got this sorted and I'm going to get this,
18:46
Speaker 1: and very much like, yeah, of course you will. I'll
18:49
Speaker 1: put it for now and then you know, we'll just
18:51
Speaker 1: swap rolls a bit later. In your foot everything for
18:54
Speaker 1: then one of our favorite things that we like to
18:56
Speaker 1: do together, me being a chef would be like, let's
18:59
Speaker 1: go out and eat. We'd loved nice food, nice drink,
19:02
Speaker 1: and environments where there's like live music. That was like
19:04
Speaker 1: our thing that we did together. And stop contributing to
19:09
Speaker 1: things like that while not wanting to stop doing them.
19:13
Speaker 1: His reasons were that his booking agents weren't paying him,
19:17
Speaker 1: so that he had a lot of invoices owing from
19:20
Speaker 1: venues and bookers that just were overdue, and he was like,
19:25
Speaker 1: got thousand dollars owing and no one's paying me. It's
19:28
Speaker 1: so frush. I'm so I'm so sorry. I wish I
19:31
Speaker 1: could be paying for this. We should be paying for that,
19:32
Speaker 1: but no one is paying me. And I feel like
19:35
Speaker 1: I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place because
19:38
Speaker 1: I need to be here to be getting the work,
19:40
Speaker 1: but if the work's not paying me, then then I'm stuck.
19:43
Speaker 1: And I was like, you know what, that's actually a
19:45
Speaker 1: really difficult position to be in. So when he would skip,
19:48
Speaker 1: I'd be like, look, as soon as you get paid,
19:50
Speaker 1: just backlog it kind of thing. It was a stress
19:53
Speaker 1: for me, not necessarily money wise, but for the integrity
19:58
Speaker 1: around being comfortable and happy living with your girlfriend, even
20:03
Speaker 1: though it is quite new. I mean even more so
20:06
Speaker 1: that it is quite new that you are quite happy
20:08
Speaker 1: for them to shoulder an entire rent. He was going
20:13
Speaker 1: out a lot, so he'd like go to his gigs
20:15
Speaker 1: and then come back at like four in the morning
20:17
Speaker 1: and start cooking food and start doing things like that.
20:20
Speaker 1: And that started being a problem because I'm like, hey,
20:22
Speaker 1: remember you're low on money. You shouldn't be going out
20:25
Speaker 1: for five hours after your work is finished and spending
20:29
Speaker 1: money like and again the mothering thing. I don't want
20:32
Speaker 1: to tell you what to do with your money, but yes,
20:33
Speaker 1: you should prioritize rent over drinking for five hours. So
20:37
Speaker 1: the little niggling things that were bugging me at the
20:41
Speaker 1: beginning started becoming worse as the time progressed, and I
20:46
Speaker 1: started questioning if it's what I wanted, like for my future.
20:49
Speaker 1: He started being really funny with his phone, which we'd
20:53
Speaker 1: always had like an open phone policy. I've got nothing
20:56
Speaker 1: to hide. You want to put some like, look at
20:58
Speaker 1: some photos, put some music on, like we knew each
21:00
Speaker 1: other's passwords. And then it started being funny, like I'd
21:04
Speaker 1: go in to change a song or something, and he'd
21:06
Speaker 1: be like, what are you doing, Like I'm entitled to
21:08
Speaker 1: my privacy. I'm like, babe, I'm just changing the song.
21:11
Speaker 1: Or we'd go for like a weekend away and I'd
21:13
Speaker 1: be like, can you send me all the pictures? He'd like, yeah,
21:16
Speaker 1: I'll get around to it. And I think I'll just
21:17
Speaker 1: do it, and I'm like, go in and start sending
21:19
Speaker 1: the photos. He's like, what are you looking for? I
21:22
Speaker 1: definitely thought he was hiding something. He had a very
21:26
Speaker 1: close relationship with a different ex girlfriend, and I mean,
21:32
Speaker 1: I didn't mind the friendships of the ex girlfriend, but
21:35
Speaker 1: I minded when I started like understanding that she had
21:39
Speaker 1: become his kind of like confident and out like the
21:43
Speaker 1: person he would complain to. Basically, like everyone should have
21:46
Speaker 1: a voice. If you need to complain, telling your friends
21:49
Speaker 1: is important. I don't think ex girlfriends are the appropriate
21:51
Speaker 1: people to do that with, though, but I think it
21:54
Speaker 1: makes our relationship look weak to someone used to be
21:57
Speaker 1: romantic with, and I just don't. I don't kind of agree,
22:00
Speaker 1: and his like, how am I? Like, we've been friends
22:03
Speaker 1: longer than we were dating, and like, I understand you
22:06
Speaker 1: have enough friends go and talk to another one and
22:09
Speaker 1: that just wants So I thought what was going on
22:11
Speaker 1: with the phone was that he didn't want me to
22:12
Speaker 1: see that. He was still complaining to her about it.
22:16
Speaker 1: I was just like, I have no interest in going
22:18
Speaker 1: through everything, but now that you're telling me I can't,
22:21
Speaker 1: I really want to go through everything. At no point
22:25
Speaker 1: did I think that he was cheating at all. I
22:27
Speaker 1: thought he was being disloyal to our relationship with his
22:32
Speaker 1: ex girlfriend, just with like how they were communicating. I
22:36
Speaker 1: think I arrive with trust. I mean, he was different.
22:41
Speaker 1: He said that trust needs to be built, and mine
22:44
Speaker 1: was that you arrive with trust and then it can
22:47
Speaker 1: kind of be lost. If someone doesn't give you a reason,
22:50
Speaker 1: then you should trust him. But I think also making
22:53
Speaker 1: sure you communicate hey, I'm starting not to trust you
22:55
Speaker 1: right now because of this behavior is really important.
22:58
Speaker 2: There were also issues with sex. Stavid shared that he'd
23:01
Speaker 2: had trauma around this in the past, so Fiona understood
23:04
Speaker 2: and wasn't pushy, but it also did start to play
23:07
Speaker 2: on her mind a bit.
23:08
Speaker 1: It was very complicated because I would say to look,
23:12
Speaker 1: I don't want to keep trying it on and get rejected.
23:15
Speaker 1: It'll mess with my confidence. And he said, yeah, I
23:18
Speaker 1: completely understand. So I said, so the next time this happens,
23:21
Speaker 1: I need you to be the person who instigates it.
23:24
Speaker 1: And it would take so long, but eventually'd end up
23:27
Speaker 1: instigating at some point and sometimes it would work, sometimes
23:32
Speaker 1: it wouldn't, and then I would be like, okay, well
23:35
Speaker 1: it's not working. What do you think the problem is? Like?
23:38
Speaker 1: How can we get like you happy and horny? And
23:42
Speaker 1: he said, well, I need you to instigate it and
23:45
Speaker 1: I went okay, we are going around in circles. He
23:47
Speaker 1: was like, oh, it's it's such a turn on when
23:49
Speaker 1: people instigate things. I'm like, yes, but then you reject it.
23:53
Speaker 1: So I'm like, so it would just be a catch
23:57
Speaker 1: twenty two am I going to am I going to
23:58
Speaker 1: try this on and it's going to literally flop? Or
24:01
Speaker 1: I'm going to try this on and it's going to work.
24:03
Speaker 1: So it was yeah, it was just you had to
24:07
Speaker 1: take it time by time, you know.
24:10
Speaker 2: So, yeah, they were his shoes, but they weren't enough
24:13
Speaker 2: to break them. So Fiona thought to herself she needed
24:16
Speaker 2: to stop looking for what was wrong and focus on
24:19
Speaker 2: what was right.
24:20
Speaker 1: I loved him, I trusted him, and before any of
24:22
Speaker 1: this I thought nothing was going on absolutely nothing.
24:27
Speaker 2: Wait before what?
24:28
Speaker 1: So we're ten months and now and I caught him
24:33
Speaker 1: watching a horn of his ex girlfriend in the bathroom,
24:39
Speaker 1: Not of the ex girlfriend he was friends with, but
24:41
Speaker 1: the one that he didn't like, the crazy one was awful,
24:45
Speaker 1: and I was flabb I guess it was an old
24:48
Speaker 1: video that they had from when they were together. It
24:49
Speaker 1: wasn't something new, It was obviously just something that he
24:52
Speaker 1: had stored somewhere and was using while I was asleep.
24:57
Speaker 2: Fiona had walked in on him in the bathroom in
24:59
Speaker 2: the middle of the night. She didn't say anything at
25:01
Speaker 2: the time because he hadn't seen her, and she was
25:04
Speaker 2: in such shock she just scampered back to bed. She
25:06
Speaker 2: had a huge course the next day and just couldn't
25:09
Speaker 2: deal with this right now.
25:10
Speaker 1: So I was, you know, like working for all this
25:13
Speaker 1: sex stuff and the problems with like ed because of
25:18
Speaker 1: the past words that I thought was there, and now
25:20
Speaker 1: he's like in the bathroom, able to do it alone
25:24
Speaker 1: over someone that he doesn't even like. I was like,
25:28
Speaker 1: I'm just going to let this sit until I get
25:31
Speaker 1: back from course and then talk about it with him.
25:34
Speaker 1: And then I actually ended up texting a midway through
25:36
Speaker 1: the course, because it was just like boiling up in
25:38
Speaker 1: me to say something. So I sent a message and
25:41
Speaker 1: I think something along the lines of, hey, this is
25:44
Speaker 1: what you're doing last night, I think that is so disrespectful.
25:47
Speaker 1: After the issues that we've had around sex. I would
25:52
Speaker 1: have hoped that that was not kind of what you
25:54
Speaker 1: would be resorting to do kind of thing, and that like,
25:57
Speaker 1: when I get home, we really need to talk about this.
26:00
Speaker 1: One of the things that I mentioned to him about
26:02
Speaker 1: it was that like, you're horny and you we released it,
26:05
Speaker 1: hasn't that and then going to that instead of coming
26:08
Speaker 1: to me like that makes me feel rubbish and unattractive
26:13
Speaker 1: and all of the things that you know, we should
26:15
Speaker 1: never feel as women. So I was very much like, yeah,
26:19
Speaker 1: I was put down by it. Let's say it brought
26:22
Speaker 1: me down a peg. He felt really embarrassed about it
26:27
Speaker 1: and uncomfortable, and like he was like, it's the first
26:30
Speaker 1: time it happened. Like I was just drunk and reminiscing,
26:35
Speaker 1: and you know, you were asleep. The fallout from that
26:38
Speaker 1: was we had the argument. He said he felt horrible.
26:42
Speaker 1: I believed he felt horrible, and we were meant to
26:45
Speaker 1: be going away on a trip like a bit of
26:48
Speaker 1: a road trip for his for his music the next day,
26:51
Speaker 1: and so I kind of made the decision to let
26:54
Speaker 1: it go and just have our time away. The trip
26:56
Speaker 1: had been planned, we'd hide the car, the dogs that
27:00
Speaker 1: had been organized, and I thought, you know what, just
27:03
Speaker 1: let it go and have a nice weekend and let's
27:06
Speaker 1: see what's happened. Reconvene on the monday, but let's see
27:10
Speaker 1: what happens.
27:11
Speaker 2: So off they went on their trip, and immediately, if
27:14
Speaker 2: you only could see, Steve was making a real effort
27:16
Speaker 2: to try to make it up to him.
27:18
Speaker 1: He drove the whole way, which I love. There were
27:20
Speaker 1: little things that I would do for him, which would
27:24
Speaker 1: be like sneaky things, you know, like when you say
27:27
Speaker 1: you're going to the bathroom, but you sneakily pay the
27:29
Speaker 1: bill and then you come back and they're like, can
27:31
Speaker 1: we get the bill, and they're like, it's already been
27:33
Speaker 1: taken care of, you know, like there's like a power
27:35
Speaker 1: in that that I've always loved doing. Or like someone
27:37
Speaker 1: mentions that they like something in a shop and then
27:40
Speaker 1: you go back and buy it when they're not looking,
27:42
Speaker 1: and then that's a surprise to them. And that weekend
27:45
Speaker 1: he was doing so much of that, and I thought
27:48
Speaker 1: that this was obviously things that he knew that I liked,
27:51
Speaker 1: and also just I feel really bad about what happened,
27:54
Speaker 1: Like let me make it up to you. So I
27:56
Speaker 1: found an amazing piece of art that I liked in
27:59
Speaker 1: a shop there, and he did the whole like, oh, yeah,
28:02
Speaker 1: I'll catch up with you, bought it and like put
28:04
Speaker 1: it in the passenger seat and was like surprise, and
28:07
Speaker 1: I was like yay, Like that's so nice. Thank you.
28:09
Speaker 1: Like little things and I was like we were in
28:12
Speaker 1: a really good place. There were times that I just
28:15
Speaker 1: caught myself crying and I couldn't tell why. I didn't
28:18
Speaker 1: know if I was still just kind of getting over
28:21
Speaker 1: or like coping with what i'd found on the have
28:24
Speaker 1: been on the Thursday with the ex girlfriend. But I
28:27
Speaker 1: just found like little pockets would I just be like, oh,
28:30
Speaker 1: and I feel a bit sad, and I was like,
28:32
Speaker 1: these tears are coming out and not much of a cry,
28:34
Speaker 1: and I was like, where are all these tears coming from?
28:36
Speaker 1: But for the most part, it was lovely. The gigs
28:39
Speaker 1: were great, all the people we met were lovely. It
28:42
Speaker 1: was great to see more of Australia at our final destination.
28:46
Speaker 1: So this is on the Sunday and we were meant
28:48
Speaker 1: to leave at five am on the Monday to get
28:52
Speaker 1: back to Sydney in time for my work. And we
28:56
Speaker 1: decided to watch parts of the Caribbean on his iPad
29:01
Speaker 1: and so we were lying in bed, had some nice food,
29:04
Speaker 1: had a bit of a cuddle, no shag, but a
29:06
Speaker 1: bit of a cuddle and still nice, spooned up and
29:08
Speaker 1: watched parts of the Caribbean, two of them, and then
29:14
Speaker 1: messages started popping up, not on his phone but on
29:17
Speaker 1: his iPad and they were from his brother. But I
29:23
Speaker 1: didn't realize that you could get messages on your iPad.
29:26
Speaker 1: He stopped the cuddling and he started like chatting with
29:29
Speaker 1: his brother a fair bit and I was like, okay, well,
29:33
Speaker 1: I'm just going to continue watching the movie. And then
29:35
Speaker 1: messages from Optus started popping up. It was like confirming
29:40
Speaker 1: ten am on Monday morning, and I was like, what's optis?
29:45
Speaker 1: And he goes, oh, it's that telecommunications thing. And I
29:49
Speaker 1: was like, why are they sending you messages about appointments
29:53
Speaker 1: and he went I don't know, like it's Optus And
29:57
Speaker 1: I was like that seems like a strange thing. He
30:01
Speaker 1: then went to sleep, and I went on to his
30:03
Speaker 1: iPad and looked at what Optus was, and it turned
30:07
Speaker 1: out that it was a wrothel service, and that he
30:11
Speaker 1: had been confirming a sex worker appointment for the morning.
30:16
Speaker 1: We got back the next day and I was just
30:19
Speaker 1: shell shopped. The messages dated back longer than I could
30:23
Speaker 1: read through, sometimes up to four times a week, and
30:27
Speaker 1: their appointments were two hours long. I couldn't actually understand.
30:36
Speaker 1: It didn't really quite feel real, I suppose because I'm like,
30:40
Speaker 1: this action of frequently visiting sex workers goes against everything
30:46
Speaker 1: that I've known from the moment I met this person.
30:50
Speaker 1: I was like, this feels like fake. I was reading
30:56
Speaker 1: through them, I was like, this has been going on
30:58
Speaker 1: a very long time. Like the comfortability around it of
31:02
Speaker 1: being like, Okay, well i'll have this one at when
31:05
Speaker 1: I get there at ten, and then maybe we'll swap
31:07
Speaker 1: out halfway through and I'll have this one for the
31:09
Speaker 1: last hour, and I'd be like, you know them all
31:12
Speaker 1: by name? There was like seven of them, like you
31:14
Speaker 1: know them all by name? Who you want to solf
31:16
Speaker 1: out with? Who's on for the dad? The brothel madam
31:20
Speaker 1: would addressing by name like Steve, we appreciate you so much,
31:24
Speaker 1: like thank you again for coming. I threw up. My
31:28
Speaker 1: body just was not like couldn't handle it. Like I
31:31
Speaker 1: know it was going on in my heart and my head,
31:33
Speaker 1: but my body was just in full shaking and hot
31:37
Speaker 1: flashes and you know, like sweating. I was like, this
31:41
Speaker 1: is like very real responses that were happening to something
31:45
Speaker 1: so emotional that I was like, wow, it feels like
31:49
Speaker 1: it's a full body yeah, full body experience. I was
31:54
Speaker 1: in shock, and I read through them. I realized what
31:58
Speaker 1: it was. I kind of went into I suppose organization mode.
32:02
Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, well I need to get out
32:04
Speaker 1: of this relationship. I can't have them living with me anymore.
32:08
Speaker 1: We are not going to wait until five am to
32:09
Speaker 1: drive back. This is a five hours away from where
32:12
Speaker 1: we lived. So I was like, I'm going to be
32:14
Speaker 1: stuck in a car off this person for five hours.
32:17
Speaker 1: So I packed our bags up while he's asleep. I
32:20
Speaker 1: took the keys off his key change for the apartment.
32:26
Speaker 1: I think I put most of the things in the car.
32:29
Speaker 1: I took screenshots on my phone of all of the messages,
32:34
Speaker 1: and I was just like, I need to make sure
32:37
Speaker 1: I have proved so you can't deny it. So I
32:39
Speaker 1: like got it all organized and then I woke them up.
32:42
Speaker 1: I was like, you need to tell me again who
32:44
Speaker 1: is optis? And he went, I've told you and I
32:47
Speaker 1: said who was Optis? And he went on to his
32:50
Speaker 1: phone and he was He was like scrolling through the messages,
32:53
Speaker 1: where's opteras. I was like, Steve, I know, and then
32:57
Speaker 1: he smiles at me and he goes, you went on
33:00
Speaker 1: my iPad. I forgot to erase them from there. Oh
33:05
Speaker 1: my god. Yeah. That was his first reaction was the
33:09
Speaker 1: smile at the fact that he'd forgotten or he'd been caught.
33:13
Speaker 1: The smile shook me to my core. But he was like,
33:17
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?
33:20
Speaker 1: And I said, yes, I want to talk about it.
33:23
Speaker 1: He goes, okay, well, I've had an addiction to this
33:27
Speaker 1: for a very long time. I thought when we first
33:31
Speaker 1: met that you were going to be the love of
33:35
Speaker 1: my life, and I stopped my addiction for the first
33:39
Speaker 1: I think it was three months, and then when I
33:43
Speaker 1: realized that you weren't the one for me, I decided
33:47
Speaker 1: to go back to it. He told me that he'd
33:52
Speaker 1: lost the feelings for me, and just before we moved
33:54
Speaker 1: in together. So for me to hear that basically us
33:59
Speaker 1: moving in and living together was all it felt like
34:03
Speaker 1: I was being used. That it was like I was
34:06
Speaker 1: a convenient way to get to where he wanted to be,
34:10
Speaker 1: and that you know, he could skip frints sometimes and
34:13
Speaker 1: he would get free food. And I felt very much
34:16
Speaker 1: in that moment like I have just been taken for
34:18
Speaker 1: a ride. Obviously I'm in tears. Well, we're having this conversation.
34:22
Speaker 1: I'm saying, I don't understand. You're telling me that you've
34:25
Speaker 1: got this sex addiction and specific sex work addiction and
34:30
Speaker 1: porn addiction, and I'm like, but you have had a
34:32
Speaker 1: girlfriend who adores you, like worship the ground you walk on,
34:36
Speaker 1: being like, let's go in there thebe and you're like, oh,
34:40
Speaker 1: rather not like I don't understand. He tried to explain
34:45
Speaker 1: it away. He wasn't very apologetic, which really shocked me
34:49
Speaker 1: because I wanted a human response and it was frustrating
34:53
Speaker 1: me that I couldn't get it. So there was a
34:55
Speaker 1: lot of I feel like, I just want you to
34:57
Speaker 1: act human. You have done something awful. I want you
35:01
Speaker 1: to cry, I want you to feel bad about what
35:03
Speaker 1: you've done, Like what you have done is always like, yeah,
35:06
Speaker 1: it's the most hopeful thing I've ever done to someone.
35:08
Speaker 1: To be honest, he was like, but I kind of
35:11
Speaker 1: I kin'd. I wanted to get caught because I didn't
35:13
Speaker 1: know how long I could keep doing this. I mean,
35:15
Speaker 1: that was probably the hardest part. I know, all of
35:18
Speaker 1: this is horrible, but that was one of the harder
35:20
Speaker 1: parts for me. Was because you know what, sex work
35:24
Speaker 1: is an addiction that quite a lot of guys have.
35:27
Speaker 1: So no, I wouldn't have stayed with him in any way,
35:31
Speaker 1: shape or form, but I did love him, and once
35:36
Speaker 1: I had kind of gotten through everything, if i'd seen
35:38
Speaker 1: like genuine breakdown, fears, emotions, I'm terrified I keep doing this.
35:44
Speaker 1: If it had like shown me some like I'm so vulnerable.
35:47
Speaker 1: I've been making this mistake for a very long time,
35:51
Speaker 1: throwing me honesty, throwing me that I would have been like,
35:53
Speaker 1: you know what, I will help you through this, but
35:56
Speaker 1: as a friend or in a different capacity that I'm
35:58
Speaker 1: not going to be here as your girlfriend, but you
36:00
Speaker 1: need help. I appear to be the only person in
36:03
Speaker 1: your life who knows about this and so if you
36:05
Speaker 1: want me to help your bloody help you. But the
36:08
Speaker 1: fact that it was just like, h well I've been
36:11
Speaker 1: called now, like that swap of personalities. I didn't know
36:16
Speaker 1: who I'd been living with. Well, we jumped in the car. Well,
36:20
Speaker 1: to be fair, I said we need to go, We
36:23
Speaker 1: need to go now, and he said I need more
36:26
Speaker 1: sleep before driving. And I said, well, I'm taking the car.
36:29
Speaker 1: Then he said, if you take the car, I will
36:31
Speaker 1: call the police and have you arrested for stealing the car.
36:36
Speaker 1: And I was like, I'm literally stuck five hours away
36:40
Speaker 1: from home. There is no public transport out here. I
36:42
Speaker 1: can't take the car because absolutely he would have called
36:45
Speaker 1: the police just to be like, I don't know, spiteful
36:48
Speaker 1: in that moment. So he slept for two hours while
36:51
Speaker 1: I sat in the bed next and I'm just I
36:54
Speaker 1: don't know, thinking, probably a bit of sobs here and there.
36:57
Speaker 1: But you could sleep. Yeah, that's another thing that's always creepy.
37:01
Speaker 1: You could sleep no conscience. The drive home was hell.
37:06
Speaker 1: Don't get being like, this is my hell loop. If
37:09
Speaker 1: I go to Hell, this is what I'm going to
37:10
Speaker 1: be reliving. They're sitting in a car do for these
37:14
Speaker 1: five hours. There are a couple of times where he
37:16
Speaker 1: was like, do you think we'd be able to work
37:18
Speaker 1: through this? And I said no. I did say, I
37:22
Speaker 1: was very vocal throughout is that cheating is my absolute
37:26
Speaker 1: no go. I don't mind if it kues or chay,
37:30
Speaker 1: it's a no go for me. So before we got
37:34
Speaker 1: home got home, I said like, I need you out today.
37:37
Speaker 1: I was like, like, my name's the only lease on
37:39
Speaker 1: the apartment. He moved in with me. He's got friends
37:42
Speaker 1: yet he doesn't have a full apartment of stuff. But
37:46
Speaker 1: I was like, look, you need to move out today.
37:49
Speaker 1: He's like, okay, it's that good. And then we walked
37:52
Speaker 1: upstairs to the apartment and I saw that he was
37:55
Speaker 1: bringing his bag in and I was like, what are
37:57
Speaker 1: you doing. You have a higher car until three it
38:01
Speaker 1: is now eight am, Like you can just put what
38:05
Speaker 1: you can fit into the high car, drop it to friends,
38:09
Speaker 1: come get the rest. Do they? And he was like okay?
38:12
Speaker 1: And then he went to use the bathroom and then
38:16
Speaker 1: just left with all of his things there and I
38:19
Speaker 1: was like, he didn't take anything with him, and I
38:22
Speaker 1: called him. I was like, look, Steve, you've got all
38:25
Speaker 1: of these things now in my apartment. You have to
38:27
Speaker 1: be out today and you can't just expect me to
38:31
Speaker 1: be able to move everything out in a day, And
38:34
Speaker 1: I said, I can. This is not an amicable breakup.
38:37
Speaker 1: We are not breaking up because it didn't work out.
38:40
Speaker 1: We didn't see eye to eye. Paths are going in
38:43
Speaker 1: separate directions. We are breaking up because you have been
38:46
Speaker 1: cheating on me consistently for the last what seven months
38:52
Speaker 1: of our relationship, and you've been paying for it, which
38:57
Speaker 1: was a massive rub with all the money issues that
39:00
Speaker 1: we had been having. I asked him one of the
39:03
Speaker 1: questions on that five hour car ride was how much
39:05
Speaker 1: did this cost? And he said one hundred and forty
39:09
Speaker 1: dollars And I said for how long? It's like for
39:12
Speaker 1: an hour? It was like for half an hour, so
39:16
Speaker 1: two hundred and eighty dollars an hour, and then going
39:20
Speaker 1: for two hours and going for that much a week.
39:24
Speaker 1: He is spending a fortune, like his rent was one
39:28
Speaker 1: hundred and seventy. It did make me feel icky. It
39:31
Speaker 1: was one of the things that I said to him
39:34
Speaker 1: was that he basically made me fund his addiction, and
39:40
Speaker 1: he was like, what do you mean. I was like,
39:42
Speaker 1: because I was paying for your accommodation and your food
39:45
Speaker 1: and your everything, so you could afford that. I was
39:48
Speaker 1: funding you cheating on me, like you were basically making
39:52
Speaker 1: me pay for it, because if you were paying for
39:53
Speaker 1: those things yourself, you wouldn't have been able to afford
39:56
Speaker 1: to go. So that you made me fund my own cheating.
40:00
Speaker 2: It was a lot to try to reckon with, let
40:02
Speaker 2: alone try to move on from. She was sick, confused,
40:06
Speaker 2: and so hurt because at the end of the day
40:08
Speaker 2: she had loved him, so she was heartbroken. On top
40:11
Speaker 2: of all, I don't think I ate for like six
40:13
Speaker 2: days straight.
40:14
Speaker 1: I was just hollow. I couldn't feel. And also I
40:19
Speaker 1: couldn't drink like normally, if something I have a bad day,
40:23
Speaker 1: give me a glass of wine. I couldn't even like
40:25
Speaker 1: people like get drunk, it'll make you feel better. I
40:27
Speaker 1: couldn't stomach the idea of having a glass of wine
40:31
Speaker 1: or a drink at all. He didn't pack up his stuff.
40:34
Speaker 1: I had to pack it up. He didn't come back
40:37
Speaker 1: till about three days later. I said, look, I'm just
40:40
Speaker 1: gonna put it in the lobby. We've got like a
40:41
Speaker 1: locked area in the lobby. And I was like, put
40:44
Speaker 1: in the lobby ring up and I'll let you in
40:47
Speaker 1: and you can grab your stuff kind of thing. Three
40:49
Speaker 1: days later when he still wun't come pick it up,
40:51
Speaker 1: and he was like, if you leave my things in
40:52
Speaker 1: the lobby, I will call the police and say that
40:55
Speaker 1: it's been stolen. He was very much getting into like
41:00
Speaker 1: on the offensive. So I would bring it up and
41:03
Speaker 1: then drop it back down and then eventually got it. All.
41:06
Speaker 1: I found when I was cleaning out all of his
41:09
Speaker 1: things a bag full of pocket puts it, like seven
41:13
Speaker 1: of them. And I think it was such a shock
41:15
Speaker 1: as well because of the sex, because he seemed so
41:19
Speaker 1: low sexual that I'm finding these, like these sex toys
41:23
Speaker 1: and finding out on this. Actually, on the last day,
41:27
Speaker 1: we had flights booked to go to New Zealand in
41:29
Speaker 1: a month's time to see my family, and he wouldn't
41:33
Speaker 1: give me my flight details because we'd booked it under
41:38
Speaker 1: one thing, and he wouldn't give me the flight details,
41:40
Speaker 1: And he was using that as a bargaining chip as
41:42
Speaker 1: to why I should store his things for longer. So
41:45
Speaker 1: when I found his old phone amongst his things that
41:48
Speaker 1: I was packing up, I was like, I plugged this
41:50
Speaker 1: and in charge it. I bet it's still attached to
41:52
Speaker 1: his email, and I'm just going to send myself the flights,
41:56
Speaker 1: like then, you can't hold that over me. And I
41:59
Speaker 1: got it plugged in, got it charged passwards the same
42:02
Speaker 1: as the current one, and oh my gosh, it was
42:04
Speaker 1: a treasure trove of information dating back to like twenty
42:10
Speaker 1: sixteen of visiting sex workers and he filmed them, and
42:15
Speaker 1: also he had lots of pictures of the ex girlfriends
42:18
Speaker 1: on there. I saw him once after that because we'd
42:23
Speaker 1: put our passports together for our New Zealand trip, and
42:28
Speaker 1: when I moved him out, I didn't realize his passport
42:31
Speaker 1: was with mine still, so we had to meet up
42:33
Speaker 1: to do the passport swap over. He seemed very angry
42:37
Speaker 1: at me for telling people, and I was like, why
42:40
Speaker 1: shouldn't I though, like if it was just your story,
42:44
Speaker 1: but you made it my story as well, it's my
42:47
Speaker 1: story to tell now because you got me involved. But
42:49
Speaker 1: he's still he was very much like well, I think
42:52
Speaker 1: he just so badly wanted to protect that image that
42:56
Speaker 1: he didn't matter what he had done. He'd been living
42:59
Speaker 1: with what he was doing for a very long time,
43:02
Speaker 1: so it wasn't as much of a shock to him
43:03
Speaker 1: as it was to me, but because it was new
43:06
Speaker 1: to me, I was like, no, I need to talk
43:09
Speaker 1: about this. It's going to help me to talk about this.
43:12
Speaker 1: And I think that he just holds so much anger
43:14
Speaker 1: over that that I should have just let him move
43:16
Speaker 1: on and let him try again with someone new without
43:19
Speaker 1: anyone knowing. It definitely dented my confidence. It's still dented now,
43:25
Speaker 1: but it is it's getting better because I think I've
43:29
Speaker 1: done so much research on it, read up about men
43:33
Speaker 1: who have come up who have these issues and the
43:36
Speaker 1: women who stand by them or don't, and like the
43:38
Speaker 1: effects that it has, and I think it is such
43:41
Speaker 1: an addiction, like it's not real life. I think because
43:45
Speaker 1: he'd been doing it for so long, a real relationship,
43:49
Speaker 1: not that it was boring, but just wasn't the same.
43:52
Speaker 1: I don't think it's any reflection on me or anyone
43:55
Speaker 1: else who's been through it. Like there will be times
43:58
Speaker 1: that I will still feel super self conscious and a
44:01
Speaker 1: bit low about it, and when I do sleep with
44:04
Speaker 1: someone again, like it'll be like a it's going to
44:06
Speaker 1: have to take my time this time, you know. But
44:09
Speaker 1: I think like at its crux and what my heart
44:12
Speaker 1: is that it's actually not a reflection. I mean without
44:15
Speaker 1: putting in any work. I think that it then makes
44:17
Speaker 1: it really hard to live a normal life. And I
44:20
Speaker 1: do feel sorry for him for that, like that's going
44:24
Speaker 1: to be a massive issue to overcome. I think that
44:28
Speaker 1: trust in your gut is so important. Like the intuition
44:32
Speaker 1: on women is insane. We have got it just naturally
44:36
Speaker 1: in us. And I think while I was happy and
44:38
Speaker 1: joyful and madly in love, there was something there that
44:42
Speaker 1: I knew was off. I knew something was I couldn't
44:45
Speaker 1: figure out what it was. And I think that I
44:47
Speaker 1: put these trivial little issues in place to kind of
44:51
Speaker 1: bury bury that emotion and be like, oh, it's just
44:54
Speaker 1: because of this. But I think trust your gut because
44:57
Speaker 1: it's never really wrong. I never thought he was a cheater.
45:01
Speaker 1: I was like, you know what, he's a pain in
45:02
Speaker 1: the ass and he needs to do the dishes more,
45:05
Speaker 1: but he's not a cheater. And I was like, oh
45:08
Speaker 1: my god, you can't be a cheater and not do
45:10
Speaker 1: the dishes like peck one. Yeah, I've gone on a
45:16
Speaker 1: few dates. I'm very cautious now. I feel like my
45:20
Speaker 1: red flag radar is so high that any little thing
45:23
Speaker 1: I'm like, that's a no. I'm so happy with everything
45:26
Speaker 1: else that I've got going on, and it's a massive
45:30
Speaker 1: bonus that I found out about this. We never had kids,
45:33
Speaker 1: we never got married, it was only a year into
45:36
Speaker 1: the relationship, could have been three easily. If that little
45:39
Speaker 1: thing haven't happened while we're watching a movie, I might
45:42
Speaker 1: not have found out for a very long time. So
45:45
Speaker 1: thank you, universe. Appreciate that.
46:04
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46:07
Speaker 2: proudly part of the Mum and Me Network. It's written
46:10
Speaker 2: and narrated by Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott.
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