Latest / High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm / Stop Asking, “What Am I Getting?”

Transcript

Stop Asking, “What Am I Getting?” · High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm

• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the High Level Wife Podcast.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Tel C Holm, your hostess, and here we do Marriage God's way.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And can I just say and ask who has been getting punched in the face by the Holy Spirit and convicted by this series?
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Can I get an Amen?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you are loving this and it would be helpful to someone else because it's been helpful to you, please leave a review, share it, send it.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: It helps us helps me to get the message out to more people.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's not about the vanity metrics or anything like that.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's literally about let's get this truth out so that we can take back more territory that the enemy has stolen in marriage.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm bringing this down to a practical for us to stop asking what am I getting?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to pay attention to the questions that culture has trained us to ask about marriage.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: The questions of am I happy or are my needs being met?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is where the love languages come to die, okay?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Does he make me feel loved?
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Does she respect me?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Am I getting enough attention or affection?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Is this marriage fulfilling me?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: And again, those needs matter.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I I love I love all the examples that we see of Jesus healing people, right?
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: He always addressed the inward, but didn't neglect the outward.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just I love that.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I love that, right?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because we live in a world where the church just wants to either just address the outward but never address the inward, or wants to only address the inward and never address the physical outward, right?
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I love that Jesus models this perfectly for us.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, intimacy does matter and being known matters.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Being loved well does matter, but what happens when the governing question of marriage becomes what am I getting?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because eventually marriage becomes a transaction, right?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes I'll give you this if you give me that.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'll pursue you when you pursue me.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'll soften when you soften, I'll show you respect when you love me, or I'll love you when you show me respect.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly two people who entered a covenant are operating like consumers, right?
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Operating like you're under a contract, right?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you fulfill your obligation towards me, then I will then fulfill my obligation, my contractual obligation to you.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Culture trains us to consume.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Think about everything around us, right?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is this serving me?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Do I like this?
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Does this make me happy?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something better?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Am I getting enough value?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's how we shop and choose restaurants and choose entertainment.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're not careful, and most of the time we aren't, that's how we begin evaluating people, right?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Especially your spouse.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: But covenant isn't consumerism.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Covenant asks something completely different of us, and Jesus totally flips the question.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: In Mark 10, 42 through 45, it says, you know, the G the Jesus is that's funny.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: The disciples are talking about greatness.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like it just blows my mind.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, literally, they just Jesus has been giving them truth and they just aren't getting it.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And they're literally talking about greatness, who gets the position, the honor, it elevated, right?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And Jesus completely overturns the world system.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: He says, Whoever wants to become great must become a servant.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: And then, for even the Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve and to give his life.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus didn't enter the relationship asking, What can I get?
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: He came asking, What can I give?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that is kingdom love.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's the backwards and upside down.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And marriage gives us a daily opportunity to die to ourself on the front lines, okay?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where marriage gets uncomfortable.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is why marriage is for our holiness and not our happiness, because marriage puts another human being close enough to expose exactly how self-centered I actually am.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: I want my schedule, my preferences, my comfort, my way of communicating, my definition of fairness, my expectations met.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: My way or the highway, Bucko, right?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: But Jesus says, follow me.
• 5:08
  unknown: Right?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's like we come into marriage like the rich young ruler who, when he's told how to enter the kingdom of heaven and he needs to sell all of his possessions, he goes away sad.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why we're all so sad in marriage, because that's what we're doing.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're like, but but but but but Luke 9, 23 tells us if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me daily.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's marriage.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's why you always hear me say that marriage is ground zero for the gospel applied.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are hundreds of tiny opportunities to choose self or to choose Christ.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's not losing your God-given personhood or becoming voiceless or tolerating sin.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: I've said it a million times.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's not it.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's continually surrendering the demand that everything must revolve around me.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And Philippians 2, 3 through 8 gives us the right posture.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: It says, do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Count others more significant than yourselves.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And Paul points us directly to Christ.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Christ humbled himself, right?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: He did not consider himself to be on the level of God, right?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: But he humbled himself by leaving heaven, by being born in the helpless form of a baby, to live a life of preparation and ministry, to then die on the cross for our sins that he didn't commit, right?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: He humbled himself, he took the form of a servant, he became obedient and laid himself down.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: So this is not merely a marriage strategy, this is Christian discipleship.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Marriage happens to give us an incredibly intimate place to practice it.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: But this is where the stalemate enters, and this is where so many marriages get stuck.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because she says, I'll open up when he pursues me, and he says, I'll pursue when she stops rejecting me.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Where she says, I'll respect him when he leads, and he says, I'll lead when she stops criticizing everything.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And both people may have legitimate hurt, but both are now waiting.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And each person's obedience has become conditional upon the other person's behavior.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a stalemate, my friend.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody's moving, everything becomes stagnant, and it becomes toxic.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Think about water that sits and has nothing added to it, and nothing is there's no movement.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes stagnant and stale and gross.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what we're experiencing in marriage as a whole, and that's why everyone's unhappy, right?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: But my obedience belongs to God.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this is huge.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: My husband does not determine whether I obey Jesus or not, and your wife doesn't determine whether you obey Jesus or not.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Your spouse's failure does not give you permission to abandon your own discipleship.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: John 14, 15, Jesus says, If you love me, you will keep my commandments.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: My obedience flows vertically first from love for Christ, which means I can ask, Lord, what does obedience look like for me right now?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not what should my husband be doing, not what should my wife be doing, but me.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Period.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: End of story.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's where freedom starts.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's not contingent, it doesn't hinge upon the obedience or disobedience of someone else.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus went first.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Romans 5.8 tells us while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus didn't wait for us to deserve pursuit, he didn't wait until we got ourselves together.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Praise him, because it would never happen, right?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Grace moved first.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: And now when we read in 1 John 4.19, we love because he first loved us, we are able to notice not because our spouse loved us correctly, but because he first loved us, and that's our source.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and this doesn't mean keeping no boundaries.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's an important distinction here.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Biblical selflessness is not enabling destructive behavior, ignoring sin, refusing necessary confrontation, abandoning wisdom, remaining physically unsafe, right?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus was sacrificial, Jesus was also truthful.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Love does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but even in boundaries, can be motivated by love rather than revenge.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: So the question remains, Lord, what does obedience to you require of me?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: So what happens when we stop keeping score?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: So imagine removing the invisible ledger, right?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: I initiated the last three times, or I apologized last time.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I always planned a date night.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I did this, so now he owes me that.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Also in the same passage, it says love does not to be in its own way.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Covenant cannot flourish when every act of love becomes an invoice.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if everything I give creates a debt you must repay, I am not giving, I'm trading.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where marriage becomes mission again.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because remember where the series is going.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's this the series is all about marriage has kingdom pulling power, but consumer marriages are constantly asking, what's in it for me?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: Kingdom marriages begin asking, what is God entrusted to us?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Two or one flesh, and we move from that point.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: So it means we stop spending all our time and energy calculating what we're missing, and instead we become available to notice who can we serve, who can we disciple, who needs encouragement, what can we give?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Where is God sending us?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Self-focus shrinks our field of vision, right?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's like we get too close to the image to be able to see anything, and all we see are a bunch of pixels.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: But it's it's laying down of self that helps us to step back and expand our field of vision to see the whole picture and surrender specifically, expands it.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: So a better question to ask tomorrow morning, instead of asking what am I getting from this marriage, instead ask what can I give today because of what I've already received from Christ.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: You have already received grace and mercy, forgiveness, patience, compassion, kindness, steadfast love.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: That steadfast love endures forever.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: So you're not giving from an empty take, hoping that your husband fills it.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: You are receiving from Christ and allowing his love to overflow through you.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: So read Philippians 2, 1 through 11.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Slowly.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Don't read it thinking about your spouse.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Read it looking at Jesus and then ask, where is self-interest become the governing posture of my marriage?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Where am I still keeping score?
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Where have I made my obedience conditionable conditional upon someone else's?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus, what would it look like to have your mind in me today, to have the mind of Christ?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because culture is saying and asking, what am I getting?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: But Jesus is asking, will you follow me?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes following him looks like incredibly ordinary, right?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Making the coffee, putting down the phone, listening, initiating affection, apologizing, forgiving, speaking encouragement, right?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Speaking to the man that your husband is becoming, right?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Not who you see right in front of you today.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Serving when nobody applauds, going first, not because your spouse earned it, but because Jesus already gave himself to you.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Marriage changes when we stop standing across from one another, demanding, give me what I deserve.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And instead, we begin standing before Christ, saying, Everything I have already belongs to you.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Show me how to love today.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Stop asking, what am I getting?
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: You are already loved.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're already chosen, you are already received grace upon grace.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what can God give through you?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you on the next episode.