Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 49, Season 2: The Habits of Secure Couples: Psychology-Backed Traits of Healthy & Lasting Relationships

Transcript

Episode 49, Season 2: The Habits of Secure Couples: Psychology-Backed Traits of Healthy & Lasting Relationships · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

0:11
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dog Podcast. I am your co
0:14
Speaker 1: host Raynan Butcher here with Doctor Sarah Hensley. Obviously, guys,
0:19
Speaker 1: as we announced before, the Love Dog Podcast will officially
0:23
Speaker 1: be as we go into season three, The Doctor Sarah
0:26
Speaker 1: Hensley Show, I realized that not everybody is going. I
0:29
Speaker 1: got some feedback. We've gotten some feedback on it. Look, guys,
0:33
Speaker 1: we appreciate your feedback. We love it. Actually keep it coming.
0:37
Speaker 1: But it is the Doctor Sarah Hensley Show. It is final.
0:40
Speaker 1: We have decided on that. I love it. It makes sense.
0:43
Speaker 1: It's easy.
0:44
Speaker 2: Who didn't like it? It was just this way. It's not
0:47
Speaker 2: that she didn't like it. She actually just it was
0:49
Speaker 2: a very nice email. She was like, I think she
0:51
Speaker 2: was just giving us feedback. She's like, I think it
0:52
Speaker 2: needs to be and I'll be honest, thank you for
0:57
Speaker 2: writing in. I don't remember your name, but I did
1:02
Speaker 2: not like your situation.
1:04
Speaker 1: It was Doctor Sarah Hensley's love intentions or something. Okay,
1:10
Speaker 1: I mean it. I can't remember exactly what she said.
1:13
Speaker 1: It was constructive feedback. It wasn't like ugly or anything.
1:16
Speaker 1: It was very sweet and like.
1:18
Speaker 3: Well, the reason that we're doing it is because we
1:20
Speaker 3: don't want any phrasing in there that could be a
1:25
Speaker 3: trademark violation because trademark law takes forever and the knockout
1:32
Speaker 3: searches that they do don't always show like what the
1:36
Speaker 3: us PTO has access to in their searches. And that's
1:39
Speaker 3: how we got basically screwed this time exactly. And guys,
1:42
Speaker 3: so they can't make me not use my name, right.
1:45
Speaker 1: And it's it's not just for it's really for you
1:50
Speaker 1: because we want to be here for a long time time.
1:52
Speaker 3: We don't want to get shut down and soon.
1:54
Speaker 1: And this is you know, sometimes the safe route is
1:59
Speaker 1: the right route, and in this case, I feel confident
2:03
Speaker 1: that that is the right decision.
2:05
Speaker 3: We've already had to do this twice. Yeah, we can't
2:07
Speaker 3: do it again.
2:07
Speaker 1: It's too exhausting.
2:08
Speaker 3: And then we just the brand just can't be you know,
2:11
Speaker 3: people won't trust it if we rebrand three times.
2:13
Speaker 1: And it makes sense at the end of the day,
2:15
Speaker 1: it makes perfect sense when you think about big names
2:19
Speaker 1: in the space right whatever space there is, the intranet space,
2:24
Speaker 1: like it's they're branding is their name. They are the brand,
2:29
Speaker 1: and that's what this is. That's who you are.
2:32
Speaker 3: And I just don't want to ever like have a
2:35
Speaker 3: trademark violation and have to do this again. Yeah, so
2:37
Speaker 3: I'm just we're just going to safe out. Yeah, we're
2:39
Speaker 3: just going to safe out. Yep. It is what it is.
2:42
Speaker 3: It is what it is. I've accepted it. I've made
2:45
Speaker 3: my peace with it.
2:46
Speaker 1: I love it. I think it's I think it has
2:48
Speaker 1: more credibility than like the Love Doc. Like I love
2:53
Speaker 1: the Love Doc and it's catchy and it kind of
2:55
Speaker 1: allows things to to be more widespread, but so does
2:58
Speaker 1: the Doctor Sarah Hensley Show. Like we can do a
3:01
Speaker 1: lot with that.
3:02
Speaker 3: We just don't want to lose. You. Just don't leave
3:03
Speaker 3: us because we changed our name, yeah, and the logos coming.
3:06
Speaker 1: Everything's staying the same. It's just the name is changing.
3:09
Speaker 3: Yeah. And we have our own studio and my husband
3:11
Speaker 3: has done an amazing job of working his butt off
3:15
Speaker 3: contracting getting it all organized. We got the drywallers coming in,
3:21
Speaker 3: so still a lot to do, but it'll get done
3:25
Speaker 3: fast though. We are downhill slide.
3:27
Speaker 1: We are definitely you know, at least the studio portion,
3:31
Speaker 1: it should be done, yeah, fairly soon. And we're so excited.
3:35
Speaker 1: We are so excited for that. So stay tuned because
3:38
Speaker 1: it's going to be a lot of fun to take
3:40
Speaker 1: you guys on that journey. So today we want to
3:43
Speaker 1: talk about, obviously something that's very important, which is what
3:48
Speaker 1: a secure relationship looks like.
3:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, people ask me all the time, Okay, what does
3:53
Speaker 3: a secure relationship really look like? Then tell me what
3:56
Speaker 3: it looks like. Well, of course there's going to be
4:00
Speaker 3: some variation among secure couples, but the science really shows
4:05
Speaker 3: that the happiest and most secure couples have quite a
4:08
Speaker 3: few things in common with each other. So I just
4:11
Speaker 3: kind of wanted to go through those main ones. So
4:17
Speaker 3: Number one, they have shared routines every day. So it
4:23
Speaker 3: could be having coffee together in the morning, it could
4:26
Speaker 3: be brushing your teeth and getting ready for bed and
4:28
Speaker 3: going to bed at the same time every day. It
4:30
Speaker 3: could be eating breakfast together. There's shared routines every day,
4:34
Speaker 3: at least one shared routine every day. So Donald and
4:37
Speaker 3: I we shower together every night, brush our teeth together,
4:40
Speaker 3: and get in the bed together every night, and we
4:42
Speaker 3: watch a serious show and we fall asleep to whatever
4:45
Speaker 3: show we're watching at that time, So we always have that.
4:48
Speaker 3: No matter what, I wait for him, he waits for me,
4:51
Speaker 3: you know. We do our best. Like if I'm.
4:54
Speaker 1: Teaching, the shower is little, is it Like, isn't one
4:56
Speaker 1: person always cold?
4:58
Speaker 3: It's no, because basically you're getting water boarded the whole
5:02
Speaker 3: time you're in there. But we're your dad. Is we
5:05
Speaker 3: our bathroom Forward construction showed out. Is we're doing a
5:08
Speaker 3: gigantic bathroom remodel it. I've picked out everything. I'm so excited.
5:14
Speaker 3: I'm so happy with what I picked out. I think
5:16
Speaker 3: I picked out the bougiest, most amazing palette.
5:21
Speaker 1: You have good taste.
5:22
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's really really beautiful what I picked out good,
5:25
Speaker 3: really really beautiful. So I'm excited. Yes, we're gonna have
5:28
Speaker 3: a giant shower because right now and our we have
5:31
Speaker 3: this like giant bathtub that just takes up everything. It's
5:33
Speaker 3: old and the jets are old.
5:35
Speaker 1: It's one of those like eightythb like eighties bathtubs that
5:37
Speaker 1: are like enclosed and all like.
5:39
Speaker 3: Yeah, huh, yeah, no, I'm getting a claw foot tub. Good.
5:42
Speaker 3: So I was super excited about that. But yeah, are
5:44
Speaker 3: our nightly shower is our thing. And it was interesting
5:47
Speaker 3: when we first got together. I was like, I don't
5:49
Speaker 3: know about you, but I just can't go to bed
5:51
Speaker 3: unless it take a shower. I just feel gross, like
5:53
Speaker 3: I have to get in the bed clean and he's
5:55
Speaker 3: like me too. So we just that was our thing,
5:59
Speaker 3: and then it's just it's one of those things where
6:02
Speaker 3: it's like we just bond in the evening, the kids
6:04
Speaker 3: are finally in bed, and it's just us and we
6:08
Speaker 3: just cherish that time so much. So happy couples have
6:12
Speaker 3: a daily shared routine, And that's actually one of the
6:16
Speaker 3: interventions that I give a lot of my couples, especially
6:18
Speaker 3: with the DA partner, find a shared routine. Yeah, you
6:22
Speaker 3: have to do something together every day.
6:24
Speaker 1: It makes sense.
6:25
Speaker 3: What is it? What are you gonna do? Is it
6:27
Speaker 3: just brushing your teeth? Okay, if that's all you got,
6:29
Speaker 3: that's all you got. Yeah, it's coffee. It's coffee.
6:32
Speaker 1: If it's so important, like maybe you know, Josh and
6:35
Speaker 1: I kind of alternate. Who makes the coffee for you?
6:37
Speaker 3: Donald and I do that too. Yeah, it's mostly Donald.
6:39
Speaker 3: It's like a seventy thirty.
6:40
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's fifty fifty with Josh and me.
6:42
Speaker 3: That's nice. I know my husband spoils me rotten. I try.
6:46
Speaker 3: I give him lots of respect and lots of appreciation.
6:49
Speaker 1: I mean everybody's really he's very.
6:51
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's very very servant hearted as a husband. And
6:54
Speaker 3: my like the way that I want to receive love
6:56
Speaker 3: is through acts of service. So he's like really really
6:59
Speaker 3: good that.
7:00
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm the same way. I'm an acts of service,
7:02
Speaker 1: Like that's how I want to receive love, and that's
7:04
Speaker 1: how I want to give love.
7:05
Speaker 3: Yeah, I like gifts. I like to give people gifts.
7:07
Speaker 1: Oh, I do like gifts too.
7:09
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love gifts.
7:10
Speaker 1: I love giving gifts too.
7:11
Speaker 3: I'm a little bit of that gift person. Yeah, I'm
7:14
Speaker 3: just like I found this for you, even if it's little. Yeah,
7:16
Speaker 3: I do love gifts. So any who, number two, and
7:22
Speaker 3: this is a really really big one. And I would
7:26
Speaker 3: say out of all the attachment styles, the fearful of
7:29
Speaker 3: avoidant is worse at this one. Just giving your partner
7:32
Speaker 3: the benefit of the doubt. So, and we just the
7:37
Speaker 3: last episode we talked about human biases, and so you
7:39
Speaker 3: might want to go back and listen to that episode
7:41
Speaker 3: if you haven't, because this one will make more sense.
7:43
Speaker 3: When our partner does something and we don't like it,
7:47
Speaker 3: secure couples usually default too, well, I'm going to give
7:52
Speaker 3: them the benefit of doubt. They probably just had a
7:54
Speaker 3: hard day where they had something outside of themselves going on.
7:58
Speaker 3: So they are not as victim to the fundamental attribution
8:01
Speaker 3: error as insecure people are, which means that like if
8:05
Speaker 3: their partner's late, they're like, oh, well, they must have
8:07
Speaker 3: hit a traffic jam. Not well, they're selfish and they
8:11
Speaker 3: just aren't managing their time well and they should have
8:13
Speaker 3: been home when I expected them to be. So they
8:17
Speaker 3: tend to just give them a benefit of the doubt, right,
8:20
Speaker 3: instead of like, well, you, where were you? What were
8:23
Speaker 3: you doing? I assume you must have been doing something shady.
8:26
Speaker 1: Yeah.
8:28
Speaker 3: I tend to believe you if you tell me, oh,
8:30
Speaker 3: I just I got in this traffic jam. Yeah, I
8:32
Speaker 3: don't know everybody's on life three sixty now, I don't
8:34
Speaker 3: know how much.
8:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I think trust that example trust a huge
8:37
Speaker 1: rold there too, because I mean, yeah, you know, in
8:40
Speaker 1: my past relationship, I mean I probably really struggled with
8:47
Speaker 1: that specifically because there was no trust. Yeah, But like
8:50
Speaker 1: I don't do that to Josh now because there's there's
8:52
Speaker 1: one hundred percent trust.
8:53
Speaker 3: Exactly, so exactly or even just in conversations, you said
8:58
Speaker 3: that to hurt me. You tried to hurt me. Yeah right,
9:00
Speaker 3: We just give partners the benefit of the doubt, assuming
9:03
Speaker 3: first there might be some external circumstances that's affecting their
9:07
Speaker 3: mood versus their just being an a hole. Yeah right, Yeah,
9:11
Speaker 3: And it's a big one. It is a big one.
9:13
Speaker 3: It's it's one that predicts success as well as something
9:17
Speaker 3: that is sort of a result of the relationship being
9:21
Speaker 3: a success. So it has like this reverse causality.
9:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it builds, it builds.
9:26
Speaker 3: True, it does. Right, So if your partner is always
9:31
Speaker 3: questioning you, where were you, what were you doing? Why,
9:35
Speaker 3: why did you do it that way? What is this?
9:36
Speaker 3: What is that? Then of course it doesn't feel good
9:40
Speaker 3: to always feel like you're under the microscope. Yeah, it
9:42
Speaker 3: feels really bad. Yeah, fear fullivents will always put their
9:46
Speaker 3: partner under a microscope and always find the worst things
9:49
Speaker 3: that they did or interpret it in the worst way.
9:52
Speaker 3: If you're just gonna have to work with me, you
9:54
Speaker 3: gotta get together. I get it, get it because we
9:57
Speaker 3: used to be that. So that's a really big one.
10:02
Speaker 3: Let's see what else. They're having good sex, they're having
10:06
Speaker 3: good sex, they're having frequent sex. Don't shoot the messenger,
10:11
Speaker 3: but it tends to be on average one to two
10:14
Speaker 3: times a week. That's what the literature shows. And it's
10:18
Speaker 3: mutually satisfactory. So it is like everybody is happy. Nobody
10:24
Speaker 3: is like doing it out of obligation. When they are
10:27
Speaker 3: doing it, they're actually enjoying it. So it's not just
10:30
Speaker 3: about frequency, it's about enjoyment and satisfaction as well. And
10:35
Speaker 3: I see all the time couples when things start going downhill,
10:41
Speaker 3: so does their sex life. It's most of the time
10:45
Speaker 3: i'd say seventy percent of the time female partners starts
10:48
Speaker 3: with drawing sexually first, it's because they haven't felt emotionally
10:52
Speaker 3: safe and their fundamental attachment needs haven't been met. And
10:55
Speaker 3: this is definitely attachment style dependent. So if it's a
10:59
Speaker 3: dismissive avoidant women, it's because they feel over criticized. It's
11:01
Speaker 3: a fearful avoidant woman, it's because they don't feel seen
11:04
Speaker 3: and heard and deeply understood. If it's an AP woman
11:08
Speaker 3: anxious preoccupied, it's usually I feel like my partner's just
11:11
Speaker 3: too distant or isn't giving me enough in the relationship.
11:15
Speaker 1: They're the ones most likely to just give in, though yeah,
11:19
Speaker 1: they'll just give it.
11:19
Speaker 3: Aps are more likely to have sex when they don't
11:22
Speaker 3: want to have sex. But when you're having sex when
11:25
Speaker 3: you don't want to, it builds resentment. I've been there,
11:28
Speaker 3: and in my first marriage, absolutely did it out of obligation.
11:31
Speaker 3: If I did it at all, it was totally out
11:33
Speaker 3: of obligation because I didn't want to be cheated on again.
11:37
Speaker 3: Didn't work, didn't matter.
11:39
Speaker 1: Yeah, it didn't matter.
11:40
Speaker 3: And what I think I want women to really understand
11:44
Speaker 3: is your husband doesn't want you to do it out
11:46
Speaker 3: of obligation. That makes them feel like dirty.
11:51
Speaker 1: If my husband fell out way, he wouldn't do it. No,
11:53
Speaker 1: he wouldn't do it.
11:54
Speaker 3: Oh, they don't want charity sex.
11:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, some men will do it either way.
11:57
Speaker 3: Yeah, my ex would do it. You call it charity.
12:00
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm yeah.
12:03
Speaker 3: But I'm doing it anyway.
12:04
Speaker 1: Yeah.
12:05
Speaker 3: Now Donald would be like absolute, Josh would reject that
12:07
Speaker 3: out absolutely. I know and want to be desired to absolutely.
12:12
Speaker 3: And sometimes it is the male that shuts down I
12:14
Speaker 3: would say, I see it in some dismissive, avoidant men
12:18
Speaker 3: where they're just especially if they're a little older, you know,
12:21
Speaker 3: testosterones dropped, which is really the hormonal driver of libido,
12:31
Speaker 3: and then they just they've deactivated, they've kind of got
12:34
Speaker 3: the ick about their partner and they just don't want
12:38
Speaker 3: to do it.
12:38
Speaker 1: It's just like.
12:39
Speaker 3: One more expectation. And so when I talk to those men,
12:42
Speaker 3: usually they say, it just feels like one more expectation
12:45
Speaker 3: and she already has so many expectations of me, and
12:47
Speaker 3: I just feel like I'm always failing and losing and
12:50
Speaker 3: never living up to them. And it's like that I
12:52
Speaker 3: can take that off the plate.
12:54
Speaker 1: Yeah, I could see where physically it would really like
12:57
Speaker 1: alter their ability too.
12:59
Speaker 3: Yes, Yeah, because they don't feel emotionally safe, right, because
13:04
Speaker 3: they feel usually very over criticized. Yeah, and it's hard
13:07
Speaker 3: to be close to somebody who criticizes you. And I
13:09
Speaker 3: would try to tell my exat all the time. I
13:11
Speaker 3: would try to say, you don't realize that when you
13:15
Speaker 3: criticize me so much, it does not make me turned on.
13:20
Speaker 3: How can I get turned on when every other time
13:23
Speaker 3: we're talking you're telling me that I'm doing something wrong
13:26
Speaker 3: or how bad I am, or how much of a
13:27
Speaker 3: disappointing wife I am to you? How can I be
13:31
Speaker 3: attracted to you? And he's like, it doesn't bother me.
13:33
Speaker 3: I can do it anytime and I'm like, well, that's you,
13:36
Speaker 3: it's not me, And I guess he just had that
13:40
Speaker 3: dissociative ability to just.
13:41
Speaker 1: I think about some of the things that my ex
13:43
Speaker 1: said to me and I still did it, and it
13:46
Speaker 1: gives me the he be gebis.
13:47
Speaker 3: Yeah, seriously, like.
13:49
Speaker 1: Things about my physical body. Oh for sure, that he
13:52
Speaker 1: would you know, say mean things about Yeah. So I'm
13:57
Speaker 1: just like, what was that thinking? He would put me
14:01
Speaker 1: down so much? Yeah, so much? Get it?
14:04
Speaker 3: Oh honey, I get it. I remember those.
14:06
Speaker 1: Days and like if I even I mean, I like
14:08
Speaker 1: just had a baby, yeah, and he had a comment
14:11
Speaker 1: about my breast, you know, and like, oh, it just
14:18
Speaker 1: sometimes there's so much I've blocked out. There's so much
14:22
Speaker 1: I've blocked out from that relationship.
14:24
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's I mean, healing from narcissistic abuse is really tough.
14:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm still on that journey for sure.
14:33
Speaker 3: I feel like I finally put it behind me a
14:35
Speaker 3: lot in a lot of ways, and maybe it's easier
14:38
Speaker 3: for me because he's gone. Yeah, and there's the death
14:41
Speaker 3: positivity bias. Going back to last episode, given biases, the
14:45
Speaker 3: death positivity bias, it's like you don't speak ill of
14:47
Speaker 3: the dead, and you tend to kind of forget. Yeah,
14:49
Speaker 3: and it's it's like more appropriate to like more and
14:52
Speaker 3: people positively.
14:53
Speaker 1: Yeah, it makes sense when we're not here.
14:55
Speaker 3: To defend themselves and I always want to be careful
14:57
Speaker 3: of that.
14:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that would really make sense. I do that
15:03
Speaker 1: with my mom.
15:03
Speaker 3: Too, Yeah. Absolutely. Well what else do secure couples do.
15:08
Speaker 3: I think they have shared emotional intimacy.
15:11
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think that they have a sense of interdependence. Interdependence, yes, yeah,
15:17
Speaker 1: that's a big piece where you feel really secure in
15:20
Speaker 1: just being like doing your own thing, having friends. You know,
15:24
Speaker 1: you don't always have to do things as a couple.
15:26
Speaker 3: Everything can be together exactly. You have your own life
15:29
Speaker 3: apart from your partner, but you also have an equally
15:33
Speaker 3: satisfying life together. Yes, And so, like dismissive avoidance, are
15:38
Speaker 3: hyper independent. Their partner is just last on the totem
15:43
Speaker 3: pole in their relationship, and they keep themselves super busy,
15:46
Speaker 3: and then they use their busyness as an excuse as
15:49
Speaker 3: to why they can't give their partner enough. But you
15:51
Speaker 3: create the life you want to create. They don't realize
15:55
Speaker 3: they're creating a busy life to stay suppressed from their
15:57
Speaker 3: emotions and distanced from their partner. They don't realize that,
16:00
Speaker 3: just like aps don't realize that they're trying to take
16:03
Speaker 3: on their partner's identity and have everything be a shared experience. Yeah,
16:08
Speaker 3: they don't realize it.
16:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I gotta get Jessica and JP in.
16:13
Speaker 3: Your group, bring them on it. In charge is free.
16:17
Speaker 1: They need it. They need it, just JP definitely. But yeah,
16:22
Speaker 1: back to I think, you know a good balance of interdependence,
16:26
Speaker 1: and I mean it goes back to self regulation and coregulation.
16:28
Speaker 1: You have things that you know you have. This specifically
16:33
Speaker 1: for Josh and me, was very easy to do just
16:36
Speaker 1: because we got married later on in life and we
16:38
Speaker 1: were both single for a long time, very healthily single,
16:43
Speaker 1: and so when we came together, it's something we've really honored,
16:47
Speaker 1: always honored and respected, was each other's life outside of
16:51
Speaker 1: each other. And I think it's always it's been beautiful
16:54
Speaker 1: because it really brings us closer together. So that's where
16:56
Speaker 1: the balance comes in. You have to have this, you know,
16:59
Speaker 1: this healthy interdependence that really brings health to coming back together.
17:06
Speaker 3: And it gives you things to talk about. Yeah, you know,
17:09
Speaker 3: Donald likes to talk about golf. I like to talk
17:11
Speaker 3: about work. All right, Wait, hold on, what do I
17:15
Speaker 3: do besides work? I need to go back to jazzer
17:18
Speaker 3: size anyway.
17:19
Speaker 1: Yeah, I have to. I have. Like I know, we
17:23
Speaker 1: talked about this at the beginning of the year. I
17:24
Speaker 1: thought about stuffing away totally from jazzer size, and I'm
17:27
Speaker 1: so glad that I didn't because it does a few
17:29
Speaker 1: things for me. It's community, and community is very important.
17:33
Speaker 1: They've I mean, there's been tons of research on the
17:35
Speaker 1: importance of community in terms of longevity and better mental health.
17:39
Speaker 3: We're social beings, yes, As a social psychologist, I can
17:44
Speaker 3: tell you we are meant to live among others and
17:47
Speaker 3: we're meant to pair bonds.
17:48
Speaker 1: Yeah, and it does like meeting new people and like
17:51
Speaker 1: it gives you new experiences and new things to talk about.
17:57
Speaker 1: Where was that going my brain just totally That's okay.
18:01
Speaker 3: I was going to talk about. They have emotional intimacy
18:05
Speaker 3: every day, so they talk about not just what happened
18:08
Speaker 3: to them, but how they feel about what happened to them.
18:11
Speaker 3: And that's the difference between transparency and intimacy and vulnerability.
18:17
Speaker 3: Intimacy and vulnerability is like, this thing happened to me,
18:20
Speaker 3: and here's how I feel about it. Transparency is this
18:23
Speaker 3: thing happened to me. And so this is often the
18:26
Speaker 3: red flag that people miss for dismissive avoidance. In the
18:29
Speaker 3: dating phase, they are very transparent, and you mistake that
18:32
Speaker 3: for vulnerability because all they told you about this really
18:35
Speaker 3: hard thing that happened to them. Yeah, they told you
18:37
Speaker 3: what happened. They didn't tell you how they felt about it. Yeah,
18:40
Speaker 3: there's a big difference, huge difference. And when you talk
18:44
Speaker 3: about your feelings, that builds intimacy and trust because you're
18:48
Speaker 3: sharing your inner world. People can know what happened to
18:51
Speaker 3: you based at look looking at your calendar maybe or
18:55
Speaker 3: you know, you can say, oh, this happened to me,
18:58
Speaker 3: but your neighbor can tell you about something that happened
19:00
Speaker 3: to them. But we trust the people closest to us
19:03
Speaker 3: to hold our feelings about what happened to us. And
19:07
Speaker 3: that is really really important, so important. And that's and
19:12
Speaker 3: I made a video. I've yet to post it. It'll
19:14
Speaker 3: probably be posted by the time this podcast comes out.
19:17
Speaker 3: Where it was like, that was where I ended with
19:18
Speaker 3: It was like the top five things and secure relationships,
19:21
Speaker 3: and it was like, and if you need me to
19:22
Speaker 3: define emotional intimacy, then you might be the problem and
19:25
Speaker 3: you need to come bas because for a lot of
19:29
Speaker 3: clients that are more avoidant, they're like, I don't understand
19:33
Speaker 3: what you mean by emotional intimacy, Like what does that
19:35
Speaker 3: even mean? They cannot wrap their head around it.
19:37
Speaker 1: Yeah, they can't even define it.
19:39
Speaker 3: And even when I do define it, they struggle.
19:42
Speaker 1: I can't like and I can't even I can't wrap
19:44
Speaker 1: my head around that, Like.
19:45
Speaker 3: Why do I have to tell you if I felt
19:47
Speaker 3: good or bad about it? Like what does that serve?
19:48
Speaker 3: What purpose does that serve? Like they can't understand why,
19:53
Speaker 3: And it's kind of brutal, yeah, for their partner because
19:56
Speaker 3: their partner's like what.
19:58
Speaker 1: I mean just the self reflection and peace alone, I
20:01
Speaker 1: would think, like that's why I can't wrap my head
20:02
Speaker 1: around it, because I'm always trying to like self reflect
20:05
Speaker 1: and like where could I have done better? What could
20:07
Speaker 1: I have done different? Like, you know, how can I
20:09
Speaker 1: be What can I learn from this experience about myself?
20:12
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, not everybody's like that, but a piece to
20:17
Speaker 3: a little bit. They struggle with emotional intimacy. They don't
20:21
Speaker 3: think that they do. See, they're the people that think
20:23
Speaker 3: that they're super vulnerable, but they're not. They have curated vulnerability. Yes,
20:31
Speaker 3: so they have. They sort of put a mask on
20:34
Speaker 3: and tell the best version of things.
20:37
Speaker 1: It's almost even worse.
20:39
Speaker 3: Yeah, why do you think that?
20:41
Speaker 1: I think it's just because it feels inauthentic. Yeah, why
20:45
Speaker 1: do you? But why do I think that they do it?
20:47
Speaker 3: No? Why do you think it's worse?
20:49
Speaker 1: I think because it's it just shows a level of authenticity.
20:54
Speaker 1: But they don't know that. So I'm not like shaming
20:56
Speaker 1: them for that, right, So they.
20:58
Speaker 3: Might tell you like I felt like if say you're
21:04
Speaker 3: the AP and you go home and there was a
21:06
Speaker 3: bad experience at work where you felt rejected, I'd be like, well,
21:10
Speaker 3: I felt a little bit rejected, but I really I
21:12
Speaker 3: really don't, because you know, And so they'll backpedal it, right,
21:15
Speaker 3: or they'll be like, but it's fine because blah blah
21:18
Speaker 3: blah to not show weakness. So it's like they will
21:22
Speaker 3: give you a little bit, but then they'll either soften it,
21:24
Speaker 3: backpedal it, talk around it, and reframe it. So it's
21:28
Speaker 3: like they give you just a little bit, but then
21:31
Speaker 3: they excuse.
21:32
Speaker 1: It or they can't be excuse makers.
21:35
Speaker 3: Yes, they make a lot, a lot, a lot of excuses,
21:38
Speaker 3: and I've been seeing a lot more FAAP couples interesting,
21:43
Speaker 3: which is it's sort of like the fada but in
21:46
Speaker 3: reverse in a lot of ways, where the AP is
21:49
Speaker 3: like smothering and like demanding, and then the FA backs
21:53
Speaker 3: away and then the fas like, you don't really see me,
21:56
Speaker 3: so instead of the like the dismissi avoidant doesn't really
21:58
Speaker 3: want to be seen, but they just back away right
22:01
Speaker 3: and they feel like it's too much, But the FA's
22:04
Speaker 3: kind of pissed because they're like, you don't really see me,
22:06
Speaker 3: and then the AP fawnds a lot I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
22:08
Speaker 3: I'm sorry, and the FA's like, what are you even
22:10
Speaker 3: sorry for? And so you know their deep need to
22:14
Speaker 3: be understood close. It's interesting and so aps give this
22:22
Speaker 3: really like generic love, but they think that they're like
22:26
Speaker 3: really open and vulnerable, but they always choose partners that
22:29
Speaker 3: are not, and then they always curate their own vulnerability.
22:35
Speaker 3: So das give no vulnerability, aps give it very curated,
22:38
Speaker 3: and then fas have diarrhea of the mouth, and maybe
22:42
Speaker 3: they're a little bit too uncontained sometimes where it's just
22:51
Speaker 3: there's no self regulatory ability when they do let it loose,
22:57
Speaker 3: so it can almost like kind of be toxic vulnerability. Yeah, yeah, right,
23:05
Speaker 3: where they've done no self regulation or no perspective seeking.
23:09
Speaker 1: Definitely been guilty, and it's just like, yeah, definitely.
23:12
Speaker 3: Just like vomiting. But at the end of the day,
23:16
Speaker 3: we might all have moments like that, and it's good
23:18
Speaker 3: to know that if you do have one of those,
23:20
Speaker 3: like truly fall apart vomit moments, that your partner can
23:23
Speaker 3: withstand it. It's just that fas tend to do it
23:25
Speaker 3: over and over and over and over and over again,
23:28
Speaker 3: where instead of it's a while, I'm having this exceptionally
23:31
Speaker 3: hard time, so I kind of break down and fall apart,
23:34
Speaker 3: they're falling apart of all time yep. Yeah, and that
23:37
Speaker 3: can become, yeah, where your partner feels like they always
23:41
Speaker 3: have to hold you up because you can't hold yourself up.
23:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's too hard. That's too hard. That actually brings
23:48
Speaker 1: me to another thing that I think secure couples do,
23:50
Speaker 1: which is I think secure couples are unapologetically honest with
23:54
Speaker 1: each other. Yeah, because they don't fear the rejection of
23:56
Speaker 1: the other.
23:57
Speaker 3: Yeah, they're gonna because they're secure. Yeah, I mean, if
24:01
Speaker 3: you feel like you have to lie to your partner
24:03
Speaker 3: all the time to keep them from shutting down or
24:05
Speaker 3: getting reactive, it's intimacy. It's not intimacy. It's fake intimacy.
24:09
Speaker 3: It's not really it's not intimacy. It's not healthy. I
24:13
Speaker 3: want people to tell me the truth.
24:14
Speaker 1: Yes, if you're not telling me the truth, I don't
24:17
Speaker 1: want to have anything to do with you. And if
24:19
Speaker 1: I can't handle it, then that's my problem exactly.
24:22
Speaker 3: And that's a question. I get a lot, which is,
24:24
Speaker 3: well what do I do? Because it's no matter how
24:26
Speaker 3: I say it, they're going to get mad. I'm like,
24:28
Speaker 3: let them be mad, say it respectfully, trying to say
24:31
Speaker 3: it kindly, right, Like your delivery does matter absolutely, but
24:36
Speaker 3: the heart of the message has to be there for sure.
24:40
Speaker 3: And I teach people how to change their.
24:41
Speaker 1: Delivery, Yeah, with more compassion.
24:44
Speaker 3: And starting with you know, what I think I really
24:46
Speaker 3: need or what I really like to see is blah
24:49
Speaker 3: blah blah instead of like you did this and it
24:51
Speaker 3: is wrong and it's bad and it hurt me and
24:52
Speaker 3: blah blah blah. What I think I need more in
24:55
Speaker 3: this relationship is this, And that feels a lot better
24:57
Speaker 3: to me then this other thing right, right, And so
25:02
Speaker 3: we can soften it and make it more respectful, but
25:06
Speaker 3: the heart of the message has to be there. You
25:08
Speaker 3: can't deny your own needs. Then we're self abandoning. Then
25:12
Speaker 3: you're gonna get resemble, right. So that is a big thing,
25:17
Speaker 3: is emotional intimacy. And I would say that is the
25:19
Speaker 3: biggest problem I see, is that there's some degree of
25:22
Speaker 3: problem with emotional intimacy. And das are not the only
25:24
Speaker 3: reactive partners. Fas are extremely reactive. It's because they don't
25:29
Speaker 3: necessarily feel defective. They feel misunderstood. They feel like, Okay,
25:32
Speaker 3: my partner perceives me in a way I don't perceive myself,
25:34
Speaker 3: and that's a betrayal because the deep need to be
25:37
Speaker 3: understood is not being fulfilled.
25:39
Speaker 1: So, and I guess I think too with honesty. If
25:43
Speaker 1: you can't be honest with your partner, who can you
25:46
Speaker 1: be honest with? Because I've always thought of marriage is
25:49
Speaker 1: the is the largest reflection we have in our life
25:54
Speaker 1: of ourself.
25:54
Speaker 3: Partner's a mirror for sure.
25:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, And if we can't look at that person and
26:00
Speaker 1: say even really hard truths because it listen, the truth
26:04
Speaker 1: isn't always gonna feel good.
26:05
Speaker 3: Now it doesn't feel good.
26:07
Speaker 1: It feels bad.
26:08
Speaker 3: But you're an adult and it's your responsibility to learn
26:11
Speaker 3: how to freaking take it.
26:12
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then and and you know, and it's okay,
26:15
Speaker 1: I think too, because this this is some things that
26:18
Speaker 1: I have to check myself on sometimes. You know, somebody
26:20
Speaker 1: might tell me a hard truth and I might sort of,
26:24
Speaker 1: you know, push back on it at first, but then
26:27
Speaker 1: once I walk away and really start to think about it,
26:31
Speaker 1: and you know, the brain pot starts to stir. Then
26:34
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, yeah, you know what they were kind
26:37
Speaker 1: of right about that. Yeah, I could have done something
26:40
Speaker 1: a little bit differently there, or you know, it makes
26:43
Speaker 1: me think of my girlfriend Lauren, who've been friends with
26:47
Speaker 1: since you know, we were in the eighth grade. And
26:50
Speaker 1: you know, Lauren is the type of person where she's
26:55
Speaker 1: gonna make you feeluncomfortable, like it's just who she is. Like,
26:58
Speaker 1: she's gonna make you feel comfortable. She's going to say
27:01
Speaker 1: things that are hard truths. Some of it's not always
27:06
Speaker 1: spot on, you know, but there's been a lot of
27:10
Speaker 1: things that she said to me over the years that
27:13
Speaker 1: frankly I didn't want to hear. And it wasn't until
27:18
Speaker 1: you know, and I have to be careful too, because
27:21
Speaker 1: I have a tendency to take a lot of people
27:25
Speaker 1: that I really respect and love and honor like things
27:28
Speaker 1: that they say is you know, it's like the Bible,
27:31
Speaker 1: right like, and so I have to kind of use
27:34
Speaker 1: discernment there. And but she did. She said some hard
27:38
Speaker 1: truths when I approached her about something that made me
27:44
Speaker 1: kind of take a step back and look at some
27:46
Speaker 1: things that maybe I was doing wrong or that she
27:50
Speaker 1: was doing that was really truly just triggering me, right,
27:53
Speaker 1: And and then I wasn't self reflecting on it. And
27:56
Speaker 1: I think that that's where it translates in all of
27:59
Speaker 1: our relationship where we have to be able to take
28:02
Speaker 1: a moment and the truth may suck, but how can
28:06
Speaker 1: I take it, absorb it self, reflect on it, and
28:08
Speaker 1: do things differently.
28:09
Speaker 3: Yep, yep, yep, yep.
28:12
Speaker 1: That's what secure people do, guys.
28:13
Speaker 3: That is what secure people do.
28:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're not one hundred percent secure one hundred percent
28:18
Speaker 1: of the time. But yeah, it takes time, but.
28:21
Speaker 3: You again, catch it, correct it, back up, redo it,
28:28
Speaker 3: admit it, do it over yeah, repair it, Yeah for sure. Yeah,
28:36
Speaker 3: So I'm trying to think of other things, but those
28:39
Speaker 3: were the big ones that I wanted to talk about.
28:43
Speaker 3: Oh there's another one. They respond to each other's bids
28:45
Speaker 3: for connection. Yeah, so throughout the day, you're gonna have
28:48
Speaker 3: like little bids for connection, Like you're riding in the
28:50
Speaker 3: car with your spouse and they're like, oh, look at
28:52
Speaker 3: that cool car, look at the Lambeau or something like.
28:55
Speaker 3: Not receiving the bid would just be like uh, and
28:57
Speaker 3: you don't look, you don't really respond. D horrible about that,
29:01
Speaker 3: and it makes our partners feel like crap if you're like,
29:04
Speaker 3: oh wait, let me see, that's just a bid, right,
29:07
Speaker 3: It's just a shared connective experience. It might be fleeting,
29:11
Speaker 3: but those moments really add up in a relationship, and
29:14
Speaker 3: so it's really important that we take our partners' bids.
29:16
Speaker 1: That's such a good example too, because most people wouldn't
29:19
Speaker 1: think of like when you think of bids for connection,
29:22
Speaker 1: you think of like physical affection. But it is those
29:25
Speaker 1: small micro moments that really matter more.
29:27
Speaker 3: It is because maybe you really don't care about cars,
29:30
Speaker 3: like I don't really care if I see Lamborghini. I
29:32
Speaker 3: couldn't care about sports, right, But if if Donald thinks
29:36
Speaker 3: it's cool I care because he cares, right, I care
29:39
Speaker 3: because he cares.
29:40
Speaker 1: Yeap, And that is so important. Yeah, it's so important.
29:44
Speaker 1: I mean, this is Josh and I've had this conversation
29:46
Speaker 1: a few times because again back to Coachella, you know,
29:49
Speaker 1: he was just like, why do you need so many
29:51
Speaker 1: outfits for Coachella? And I'm like, first off, I need options,
29:54
Speaker 1: and secondly, this is a fashion show and I will
29:57
Speaker 1: not be left behind. And you have to understand the
29:59
Speaker 1: way that I creatively express myself is through fashion. It's
30:03
Speaker 1: important to me. It's very important to me. It's been
30:06
Speaker 1: important to me since I was a little girl, like
30:08
Speaker 1: literally since I could dress myself. And I mean it
30:12
Speaker 1: really goes down.
30:12
Speaker 3: You're very far old and your fashion like your rainbow suit.
30:15
Speaker 1: Today, my rainbow pj's. Yes, if you don't have to
30:20
Speaker 1: go to YouTube if you want to see them guys,
30:22
Speaker 1: and I got it from La La if you've ever
30:24
Speaker 1: I love their stuff. It's so unique and different. It's
30:28
Speaker 1: very like Billy Elish type clothes. Eilish Elish, Eilish Tomato
30:33
Speaker 1: Tomato which we got to see her too at Coachella.
30:37
Speaker 3: We did. She was broad on stage as a special
30:40
Speaker 3: guest with Justin Biebern.
30:42
Speaker 1: I loved that whole story.
30:43
Speaker 3: Yeah.
30:43
Speaker 1: Again, not to get too.
30:44
Speaker 3: Much off track, guys, but we always planned it.
30:47
Speaker 1: Yeah, we always get off track. So you're either here
30:49
Speaker 1: for it or art. But I loved the whole story
30:52
Speaker 1: of like, you know, she was like this super fan, yeah,
30:55
Speaker 1: justin like since she was a little girl. Yeah, and
30:57
Speaker 1: like it just came full circle for her and it
30:59
Speaker 1: was so beauty. I thought it was really really sweet. Yeah,
31:02
Speaker 1: absolutely really sweet. So sure, I'm trying to think of
31:06
Speaker 1: anything else that I can think of that makes, you know,
31:10
Speaker 1: I mean really just things that I can think about
31:11
Speaker 1: in my own relationship that I value and I think
31:15
Speaker 1: bring Josh and me closer to each other. I mean,
31:19
Speaker 1: obviously the obvious things like respect, honoring one another's time.
31:25
Speaker 3: Appreciation they express appreciation secure couples do.
31:29
Speaker 1: Yeah, and recognizing the way that you know, we talked
31:32
Speaker 1: a little bit about the ways that we prefer to
31:34
Speaker 1: be loved, and there's so many different needs in terms
31:37
Speaker 1: of relationships, but when it comes to like the five
31:39
Speaker 1: love languages, really acknowledging that taking inventory of those things
31:44
Speaker 1: and even though it may not be the way that
31:46
Speaker 1: you prefer to be loved acknowledging that that's the way
31:49
Speaker 1: your partner prefers to be loved.
31:50
Speaker 3: Yeah, Donald's is definitely physical touch. So I always try
31:53
Speaker 3: to like scratch us back, like grab his hand if
31:56
Speaker 3: I'm walking, like even if we're just passing, because we're
31:59
Speaker 3: going too different directions, it's just like touching his arm,
32:01
Speaker 3: getting a quick hug, like giving him a kiss every
32:03
Speaker 3: time before I leave. Like, yes, those are things that
32:05
Speaker 3: I know are so meaningful to him, and I enjoy them,
32:09
Speaker 3: but it doesn't impact me as much as like acts
32:11
Speaker 3: of service too. Like acts of service. I guess I
32:14
Speaker 3: grew up because my mom was very active service and
32:17
Speaker 3: it was just like, if you can do something that
32:18
Speaker 3: makes my life easier than I know, you love me well.
32:20
Speaker 3: And I had none of that in my first marriage.
32:22
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think women are a lot like that,
32:24
Speaker 1: just because women carry so much and we are, you know, multitaskers.
32:29
Speaker 1: You know, we do multiple tasks at once. So to
32:32
Speaker 1: have your partner come in and be like, let me
32:34
Speaker 1: take that off your plate, baby, that is so sexy.
32:39
Speaker 3: It's so sexy.
32:40
Speaker 1: I'm like, that's why I love what's the it's the
32:44
Speaker 1: Sabrina Carboner song. Now I can't think of it. But
32:46
Speaker 1: where she talks about like she says a really naughty
32:50
Speaker 1: statement in the song that I will not repeat because
32:54
Speaker 1: it's very r rated, but she basically says, you know
32:57
Speaker 1: when you do things like wash the dishes and you
33:00
Speaker 1: act like a responsible man, like, that's what turns me on.
33:04
Speaker 3: Yeah, Donald's very responsible. Yeah, it's very He was a
33:07
Speaker 3: single dad forever, so it helps you can cook, claim
33:10
Speaker 3: do all the things. Yeah, the domestic part, he's very domesticated. Yeah, yeah,
33:16
Speaker 3: but yeah, I think that's a good place to wrap up.
33:17
Speaker 1: And yes, so guys, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
33:21
Speaker 3: Speaking of your partner, this podcast is partially brought to
33:25
Speaker 3: you by the Verified app, the app that makes cheating impossible.
33:29
Speaker 3: It is the world's first relationship registry where you can
33:32
Speaker 3: register your partner and be sure that if they are
33:35
Speaker 3: doing something they are not supposed to, the person on
33:38
Speaker 3: the end of that indiscretion can look up your partner
33:41
Speaker 3: and securely message you and let you know that your
33:44
Speaker 3: partner is up to no good. And this is not
33:45
Speaker 3: a gotcha app. It is not like a public shout out.
33:48
Speaker 3: It's not like the t app. It is very streamlined,
33:52
Speaker 3: very private, and you can search people by image, by email,
33:57
Speaker 3: by phone, by other details, and it'll allows you to
34:01
Speaker 3: check to see if somebody that is approaching you is
34:04
Speaker 3: already matched and in a relationship with somebody else. So
34:07
Speaker 3: you can register your partner if you are having some
34:10
Speaker 3: trust issues in your relationship, or if you meet someone,
34:13
Speaker 3: you can check the registry and see if they are
34:15
Speaker 3: on there and attached and registered by someone else. So
34:18
Speaker 3: check out the Verified app today.
34:20
Speaker 1: I love that too. And you know what I love
34:22
Speaker 1: about that app. The guy who founded it and created it,
34:26
Speaker 1: Rob Vera. Rob Vera, He created it actually guys for
34:30
Speaker 1: his sisters, which is so sweet.
34:32
Speaker 3: And he's a really great guy. Is such a and
34:34
Speaker 3: it's so it's spelled v r A fied And so
34:39
Speaker 3: the founder's name is Rob Vera with an A on
34:41
Speaker 3: the end. So that's where the name Verified came from.
34:45
Speaker 3: Fantastic app. I am so anti cheating. Everybody that knows
34:48
Speaker 3: me knows I am and tie cheating to the nth degree.
34:52
Speaker 3: And so I'm very happy to have them as a
34:55
Speaker 3: partial sponsor of this podcast.
34:56
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it, so thank you guys
34:59
Speaker 1: for tuning in. Please continue to tune in, like leave
35:01
Speaker 1: us a review, reach out to us, let us know
35:05
Speaker 1: what you want to hear from us. That will help
35:07
Speaker 1: us tremendously as we move and let us know, yeah,
35:09
Speaker 1: we're moving into season three guys like, we need your feedback.
35:12
Speaker 1: It would help us so much because to a degree,
35:16
Speaker 1: you know, I mean past guests and things like that,
35:19
Speaker 1: there's you know, sometimes we're like, Okay, what are we
35:21
Speaker 1: going to talk about today, So we want to hear
35:23
Speaker 1: from you. Let us know what you want to hear
35:25
Speaker 1: about because that will really help us. You can reach
35:27
Speaker 1: out to me directly at Raina at thelovedoc dot com. Again,
35:31
Speaker 1: continue to tune in, bear with us as we transition into.
35:34
Speaker 3: This bring in our new studio soon, Yes.
35:37
Speaker 1: Under the Doctor Sarah Hensley Show. So continue to tune
35:40
Speaker 1: in and until next time, peace, love and perspective