Latest / Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis / 074:You Are More Than What You Produce: A Labor Day Weekend Reset

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074:You Are More Than What You Produce: A Labor Day Weekend Reset · Limitless Living with Fredricka Davis

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome back to the Limitless Living Podcast.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's great to have you here.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's Labor Day weekend here.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I have been really thinking about the meaning of labor, all the work that we as women do that nobody sees.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, all of the remembering, the planning and checking and the worrying that we do, and basically just anticipating everything for everyone around us and being the person who notices what everybody else needs all the time before they even usually have to ask for it.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I wonder if you've ever reached the end of the day when you're busy.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: You were busy all day from the moment your feet hit the floor, but you still feel as you get to this end, like it just wasn't enough.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like you still didn't get enough done, even though you were in constant motion and go mode the entire time.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: If you felt like that, I can tell you I have definitely had days like that.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it was a situation where you were working, you were taking care of your clients or coworkers or your team, or you're doing your job all day and taking care of things, and answering messages and emails and you know, all the stuff, and handling things for your family at the same time, or your pets, or your friends, and remembering appointments and ordering gifts that are for upcoming holidays or birthdays and picking up what's needed, groceries, changing the sheets, checking on the people who might need something, all the stuff.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, we could come up with at least six other things probably on that list, if not more.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: But because some of that work was unpaid or maybe unfinished at the end of the day, or even invisible, if you felt like at the end of the day, you look and you think to yourself, geez, what did I actually accomplish today?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: You are definitely not alone.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of women know this feeling.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something many of us have spent so much of our lives and our days experiencing.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: And we've equated that being useful is part of who we are and part of our value.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to talk about that today.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if you are the dependable one and the strong one, the person who figures things out and keeps on going, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being capable.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's amazing.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's something to value as part of yourself.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: I know I love my work and I love helping people.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I love creating.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: And at this stage of my life, as I approach 60, I have been in business for, well, I've been in the industry over 40 years, and I've been in the business I have currently for over 34.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm still building new chapters for what's next for me in my work and other places.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm growing this podcast, expanding my coaching work and my programs and experiences, and looking at how I can make a greater difference in the lives of everyone that I meet.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm not interested in pretending that ambition is something we should all have endless amounts of, or that it's a character flaw, or that the answer is for all of us to just, you know, give up our goals and go sit quietly on a yoga mat and meditate all day long or sit on the beach all day long.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Although I will say, honestly, an afternoon sitting quietly, just quietly in a garden or on the beach does sound pretty good sometimes.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: But the problem that I am seeing with so many of us, you are working so hard, caring so deeply, and wanting to create more.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: The problem begins when what you produce becomes the way that you prove that you matter.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And this will show up in those moments when we feel guilty just sitting down because we feel like there's something else we could be doing.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: It shows up when rest feels acceptable, but only after we have completely exhausted ourselves.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it shows up when you do not know what you enjoy anymore, because all of your choices have been based on what's practical or what somebody else needs for so long.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: I also see this show up when you can tell me what you do for everyone in your world, your job, your people, your family, your this, your that.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: But you struggle then to tell me who you are apart from all of the roles.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now that is what I want to talk about today.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not how to stop caring or how to remain a whole woman inside a life that asks probably a great deal of you, if not too much.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: But because you are more than what you produce, you are more than the service that you provide, the income you earn, the house you maintain, the problems you solve, the children that you raise, or parents that you care for, or all the people out there that make depend on you.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: You are more than that.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: All of those things may be meaningful parts of your life, but they're really not the whole of you.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if that sentence makes perfect sense intellectually, but still feels really, really uncomfortable in your body, pay attention to that.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: From a coaching perspective, I would ask you, what do you believe would happen if you stopped being useful for a little while?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: You took a week off and you just said, nope, I'm on strike.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I am not going to be useful or do anything for anybody for one week.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: What would happen?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Would everything fall apart?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Would you feel really lazy and selfish and unimportant or even out of control?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Would you have to sit quietly and face something that you maybe have been staying so busy to avoid?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not asking those questions to judge you.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm asking because our patterns usually serve a purpose, even when they're no longer serving us very well.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Being helpful might have been how you received praise as a child.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Being competent, maybe that was helping you feel safer in an unpredictable home, more valuable.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you learned that good women take care of everybody else first.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or your work, how about your work?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Has that given you an identity during a time maybe when you did not know who else you were, and now you're stuck in that identity and still disconnected from who you truly are?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And here's something I see a lot busyness.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: We keep ourselves so busy, staying endlessly busy, so that we don't have to deal sometimes with things like grief or loneliness or anger or uncertainty.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Life can simply demand so much from us, honestly, for so long.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you stop noticing how much you're carrying.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: We just, we just stop even noticing.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: We just keep carrying, keep adding, and we keep going.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: When I'm looking at a pattern, functionally speaking, I don't just ask, how do I stop doing this?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or how do you stop doing this?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: What I want to ask is, what is this doing for me?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: What need is this busyness or this belief or whatever?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: What is the need it is meeting?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: What belief is underneath it?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: And what might support me better now if I make a shift?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: That is a very different conversation from telling you to improve your time management.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Your body may also be trying to join this conversation.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've said this before, your body's always talking to you and it's it's trying to converse with you.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: We just aren't always listening because we're so stuck in the go mode and the do mode, do, do, and go, go, go, right?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, are you more tired than you used to be?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: What's your sleep like?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Is it restless?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Or is your digestion off?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or are your shoulders staying up around your ears, or your mind always busy where it just never really fully quiets and shuts down?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you feel irritable or foggy or anxious, any of these things, disconnected and simply just not like yourself.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying every one of those symptoms is caused by doing too much.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Your symptoms, of course, always deserve appropriate medical attention.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: But your body, your nervous system, emotions, and life are not separate departments that never speak to each other.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: When you live in this constant state of urgency, even when the urgency has become so normal that you no longer call it stress, it starts to affect the way you experience your entire life.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is where my holistic view comes in.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: I do not believe rest is only when the work is done or only in the absence of work to do.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Your body needs physical rest.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain needs fewer decisions sometimes.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And your nervous system needs quiet and safety.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Your heart also needs honest connection and conversation.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes your spirit needs prayer or reflection, nature's energies and healing abilities, music, time to remember what is really sacred to you.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes you need some play and laughter and creativity or just something beautiful.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Stop and smell the roses, kind of beautiful as you go about your day.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: These are things that you can do for no productive reason at all, but yet they do still have a purpose.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: You can sleep eight hours and still feel depleted if every waking hour you are required to perform, manage, or hold yourself together.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times where we think we are required, it's a requirement we've placed on ourselves.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: Human beings have understood for a very long time the need for rhythm.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: And this was long before modern wellness made rest and rhythm into another item that you would put on a checklist and made it more of a stressful thing to squeeze in.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's a result of our modern world.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: The Christian tradition of Sabbath says that rest is not merely a reward after all possible work is finished, because work is never completely finished.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, think about it.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Is it ever?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Never, never, never.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: Sabbath creates a boundary and reminds us that our worth and the turning of the world do not depend entirely on our labor.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And in Chinese philosophy, in the yin and yang, you've all seen that yin and yang sign in the circle where half of it's dark and half of it's light and the shapes fit together.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: That is the perfect marriage of opposites and balance.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: So think activity and stillness, light and darkness, giving and receiving.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: They're not enemies.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Health and wholeness involve relationship and balance between all of them.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: And in Ayurvedic traditions, some of the longest traditions on the planet, they pay attention to daily and seasonal rhythms, and they recognize that your needs and energy are not identical at every hour or every age or season of life or season throughout the year.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now, these traditions are not all saying the same thing.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't want to flatten them kind of as if they are or come over combine them, but each of them in its own way pushes back against the idea that a good life is one long stretch of uninterrupted output and level of doing.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: There should be rhythms.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: That means you have effort and then you have recovery, but it's not only recovery after all the effort is exercised.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's a balance of effort and recovery.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: There's speaking and listening, holding and releasing, doing and being.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot of balance there.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere along the lines, our Western culture has really just totally forgotten all of this.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: And even when we try to bring this back in, we make it an item on our to-do list.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Even nature does not bloom all year.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: It recognizes it needs a season of rest so it can begin to bloom again.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yet, we as women, we expect ourselves to keep going and we don't see it that way.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: But we are that way.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: That is how we thrive and how we are at our best.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: So on this Labor Day weekend, I don't want to give you another assignment that turns rest into something you need to perform correctly.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: What I really want to do is just invite you to notice where labor has taken over too much of your identity.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: And ask yourself, who am I when I'm not working, when I'm not producing or fixing or taking care of something else or someone else?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: If your first answer is, I have no idea.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I know a lot of you will have that as your first answer.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's not failure.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something you can't figure out.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's just useful information.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: You may need some time to get reacquainted with yourself.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know, at different points in my life, I've had to ask myself, okay, what's the next version of Freddie going to be?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: What's the next version of my work going to be?
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: My life gonna be, my family going to be.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: I have reinvented my business more than once, and I've raised stepchildren, foster children, daughter.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: I've cared about people deeply, took care of my mother.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I've gone through seasons where my own health changed and what I could do changed, and I had to approach that totally different.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And here I am at this age.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: I am still becoming.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: That side of me has built a great deal and survived a hell of a lot.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm incredibly grateful for that part of me.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I also do not want that part of me to be the only version of me that I am allowed to be.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: You see the distinction?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: I want room for the woman who creates because she's inspired, not only because something is due.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: I want room to be the woman who enjoys life while I'm building it.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: And to allow myself to receive support, not just be the only one providing it.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to be the woman who can change my mind occasionally.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Follow my curiosity, rest before I collapse, and make choices because they simply make me feel alive and true.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: Do you not want these things for yourself?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, maybe this is going to be part of your next chapter too.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've already figured this out and you're on this path with me.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Not becoming somebody completely different, of course, but becoming more fully yourself.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: So, what does that look like for you in real life?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: It might mean giving yourself one hour this weekend that does not have to accomplish anything.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not an hour to clean out a closet or listen to a podcast about self-care, not an hour to plan next week's meals or organize paperwork or photographs or catch up on messages, but just an hour that is for you, that does not require any justification whatsoever.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: You might sit outside with a cup of tea and just relax.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you, I miss my sitting outside right now with a cup of tea.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: My back, where I normally sit outside in the morning and get my bare feet in the grass and everything, is infested with wasps.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: I know this is totally unrelated, but this is just what's going on in my world.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Infested with wasps.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've had pesticide company come.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: They've been here four times, and I'm still looking right now as I look outside my office at at least 50 wasps that are coming in and out of my sighting.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Is that not crazy?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, sidebar.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: But if you have a great place to do that, I recommend it.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually going to go take a little hike and take time to just be in nature.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: No earbud in my ear, no podcast that I'm listening to, no anything, no audiobooks, no anything, just to go be.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: So what do you want to do?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want to take a slow walk or read something because you simply want to?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you going to listen to music and do nothing else or dance around the kitchen or draw, paint, pray, journal, whatever it is.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: Go somewhere beautiful or call someone whose voice lights you up and makes you feel more like yourself.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: If an hour feels impossible, begin with 15 minutes.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: And while you're doing it, start noticing what feelings this might evoke.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's not uncommon, if you're not used to this, to start to feel a little restless or immediately think of all the things that are on your list that you should be doing.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not uncommon to want to reach for your phone.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, I see people in my wellness center all the time.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: And no one picks up a magazine anymore.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: They come in, they sit down, and they are all on their phone, head down, chin down in their chest, looking at their phone.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I see this in restaurants, whether I go out and it's all ages from children, young children, all the way up to grandparents.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: It just quite honestly blows my mind.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Be present in the world.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: So if you start to do these things, take note of that.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe when you're trying to take a little time like this, it will bring up some feelings of either relief or sadness, grief, anger, pleasure, nothing at all, whatever it is, just take notice of it.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: There is no correct response here.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: You're just simply gathering some more information about your relationship with rest and your relationship, honestly, with yourself.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Then ask yourself one more question.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: What part of me has been waiting for more room?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: What part of me needs more of this?
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the creative part or the playful, or maybe it's your spiritual side or your sensual side.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: How about the curious part?
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself time to be curious.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of the most important things in life, in my opinion.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: And how about the ambitious part of you that really just wants to create something of your own rather than only helping everybody else create theirs?
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or that part of you that wants friendship.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: How about adventure, beauty, quiet, learning, movement, all the things?
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, anything that's a new experience.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to redesign your whole life this weekend.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to go down a list and try all these different things.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: But just listen for what comes up because it's going to be very individual for you.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: This week's reset is to practice one small period of being rather than producing.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: Choose just 15 minutes, an hour or half a day, whatever feels honest and possible for you.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Put it on the calendar if you need to, if that helps protect it.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Do not use it to catch up.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: And if you need to leave the house and go somewhere and sit quietly, like a park or a Starbucks or whatever, do it.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do not require yourself to come out of it with a breakthrough either.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: The whole goal here is to just be.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: Let being be enough.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let remembering that you are a person and not a production machine be enough.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: And afterwards, write down one sentence.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: When I stopped doing, I noticed.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now that sentence may tell you more than another list of goals ever could.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to hear this clearly before we finish.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Your ability to work hard is a strength.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's a good thing.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: Your care for other people is a strength and a beautiful thing.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: Your ambition, responsibility, resourcefulness, all of them, they're all strengths.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: But a strength used without rhythm, without balance, can become something that totally consumes you.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: And you do not have to abandon the woman you are that everyone can depend on, but you do really need to make sure that you, that woman, has a sense of self, a healthy body, a voice, and a life of her own.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: You are more than what you produce.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: You are worthy before the work is ever finished.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, you're worthy before the work is even started.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: And you are allowed to become a woman who can create and contribute and rest and receive, enjoy all in the same lifetime, all in the same day, all in the same hour.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you enjoyed this episode, please leave us a review.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: It helps other women find the show.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if it made you think of another woman who does everything for everyone else and really remembers to do something for herself, share it with her.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking for a place to begin reconnecting with yourself in a realistic whole life way, come join us in the Limitless Living for Women Who Are Becoming Community.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can find the information on my website, fredericadavis.com.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, be rooted, be resilient, and be limitless.