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Transcript

Iron Throne · System Speak: Complex Trauma and Dissociation

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Over:
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Okay. I do not even know how to tell you about this dream that I had. It's kind of funny and kind of embarrassing, except it has just exploded in my brain with everything that it means. So it feels like a good example to share. So just so that we can even get started, I'm just going to read it.
• 1:26
  Please don't even laugh too hard yet. Okay? No. It's not even it's not even that it's funny. Nothing funny happens.
• 1:34
  But here's the funny part. President Biden and Jen Psaki were in my dream. That's the funny part. That's the funny part. But I'm just gonna I'm not even gonna talk about it yet.
• 1:47
  I'm just gonna read you the dream as I send it to my dream therapist right now. Okay? So in my dream, president Biden was sitting on the Game of Thrones throne. This has little meaning to me other than recognizing the image itself as I never watched the show. So any meaning will only be about the symbol, not the show.
• 2:11
  But he had that facial expression, so stern and serious and a bit scary, not at all like soft, sweet, and elderly Biden. It was endearing. It was an excuse me because I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but he was across the room further away like you would expect in a throne room. But the room was still small like the room of a house, not the throne room or a castle. So normal walls and a normal small room.
• 2:40
  So he was across from us and but aligned with us. So we were directly across from each other. Next to us was Jen Psaki. This is both hilarious and embarrassing to me, but here's what I know about Jen Psaki. I know she's fierce.
• 2:58
  I know she can throw down with anyone. She has good boundaries. She speaks truth. She's not afraid even when she's stressed, or at least she doesn't show it. And I know she's the mother of little ones.
• 3:12
  Randomly, I also know her mother was a therapist, and her father was Greek, Irish, but I've forgotten what his job was. So she is standing next to us in our dream. So in my dream, I am standing there with my youngest daughter and on the other side of my young who's like standing next to me holding my hand. And we are facing president Biden on the Game of Thrones throne. I know.
• 3:38
  I know. Okay, guys. Please just leave me alone about it. I don't even. I can't even.
• 3:46
  But next on the other side of our daughter is where Jen Saki was standing, okay, in this small room. For context with this dream, I told my therapist, I wrote this. We have had some Chromebook drama at school. The last week, one of the children accidentally found something inappropriate using Google Voice while doing schoolwork on a virtual day. They then taught all the others how to do it.
• 4:14
  I knew about this, and we told the therapist and the pediatrician, and the children talked about it with the pediatrician, with the therapist, and with the husband and us. We all reviewed Internet safety. They also did an Internet safety class at church. So we have discussed it and dealt with it as much as we could even though it was unfortunate that it happened. But then two other children tried it at school while on their school Chromebooks using Google Voice to look up body parts.
• 4:51
  Now oh my goodness, children. So for full context, nobody was technically acting out. Nobody was trying to look up anything naughty. They literally just had their science day at school, the body day where the girls go with the girls and the boys go with the boys, and they talk about bodies. Right?
• 5:13
  So it was entirely developmentally appropriate. No one was trying to look up anything inappropriate. This is all confirmed through the searches. But because they did it on the school Chromebooks, it automatically got flagged all the way to the principal who is required by law in our state to notify the police. So so just for clarification and context for this dream, this day, we got sent to the principal's office to talk about our children and their Chromebooks with the police.
• 5:51
  So the female vice principal and a male police officer, and it was terrifying. Not even getting to the layers of trigger, it was terrifying. Okay? So then it was that night, after the day where I thought we were gonna be arrested in the principal's office at school, it was that night that I had this dream. So it was almost like the female vice principal was now Jen Psaki, and the police officer was Biden, right, as far as authority figures.
• 6:26
  And so there's the male, female going on, the god, goddess going on, I mean, symbolically, right, in the dream as far as archetypes. So anyway, so I knew this dream was significant, and so we sent it to the dream therapist. So our dream therapist is a Jungian and talks about what the symbols mean to us and what we are telling ourselves through our dreams. That's why we keep her around. It's amazing.
• 6:52
  She does incredible work with this, and it was just fascinating. So, again, just going with stereotypes and archetypes and what symbols mean, we clearly have this god, goddess, prophet, prophetess that the male and female I don't mean binary as in externally. I mean both parts, all the parts of me for the first time in the same room. Like, that's what that represents, which is huge. And in fact, in my dream work with her before, I have never been able to get the mother and the father symbols there or the god and goddess or prophet and prophetess, like, whatever you wanna call them.
• 7:34
  I've never been able to get both of them in the room at the same time. So this is huge. And that was another reason I was like, okay, we have to tend this dream because there's so much in it. So she asked me about Biden. And what I said was, first of all, this is not about politics.
• 7:53
  Okay? That's not how this works. This is about that symbol and him on the throne and the faces he was making and how all of it works together. So there's, like, a lot of stuff we talked about to get to this point. But I said that Biden reminds me of Moses, like old school, old testament, in that he's older and weaker and kind of surprising sometimes.
• 8:18
  He's in leadership that has trouble speaking. He cares about the people deeply, but it's always a surprise and leadership and needing help and support to do what he's there to do. Right? So it makes me think of Moses having to have help, like, needing help to hold his arms up so that they can win that battle. Do you remember that story?
• 8:42
  Maybe some of you know that story. So so, anyway, this this image and this archetype layer going on. And then talking about Jinsaki as the archetype of the fierce woman warrior who's bold and speaks the truth and confronts bullies. She's the one who puts the bad guys down and and puts them in their place. Biden is soft but present, but it's Saket who is the boundary keeper and the deliverer of justice.
• 9:15
  Now, again, this is not actually what their roles are in real life. Right? It's not about that. It's about the symbols of the dream. So it's bizarre that though I can't tell you how bizarre it is that those two showed up in my dream, but we're going with it.
• 9:30
  So it's interesting because in that context, they kind of have some role reversal from traditional male, female, god, goddess roles. Because in this way, like, Jinzaki's all Wonder Woman. Right? And fierce and bold and fighting for truth and not stopping to deal with any nonsense. Like, she is focused and on a path.
• 9:54
  She knows what her mission is, and she does all the things consistent with that mission. Whereas Biden, who normally in a dream, a president or someone would be a very male and very aggressive, the warrior leader, military commander kind of presence is not at all what he's presenting in this dream. Right? So there's some role reversal. The reason that's interesting, because remember when we talked with doctor Lou Himes on the podcast about sex and gender and gender expression and gender identity and gender roles and things like that.
• 10:36
  In that conversation, and I can say this in this context because we've already talked about on the podcast. In that context, the husband and I actually have a lot of role reversal in our lives, just the way our lives are set up. But in the context of this dream, what it makes me think of is that sometimes sometimes it's the husband who has no boundaries and has been gone. And so when he comes, he spoils them and he visits them, and I have to be like the mean mom who's single parenting the rest of the time. But that's not always true because there are other times he's really good at holding his own, and I'm the softy who lets them do what they want.
• 11:21
  So it was really interesting to think about what was going on with the Biden character in the dream and the Jensaki character. But then in the dream, Biden asks my daughter if she knew who he was. She said he knew he was the president and that was his job. He asked her if she knew what his job was, and she started rattling off headlines that we've seen from CNN at breakfast in the morning, like the Russian drama waiting for vaccines for the youngest babies, and I can't even believe our daughter made the cut by a year. But all the other news, like another headline I don't even remember, but something about the Olympics.
• 12:06
  So she was finishing so our family, because the triplets are in seventh grade, they take a quiz about current events every day at school. And so to get them ready and help them understand what's going on, we watch just a little bit, not hours and hours and hours, but a little bit of the news every morning before they go to school, before they while we wait on their bus. From that, this plays into my dream somehow. But then, oh my goodness, I cannot even tell you. Like, I know that this piece came up in the book, but in the book is the only time I've ever acknowledged or addressed this at all.
• 12:48
  And I have not addressed it at all, but it happens in my dream. In my dream, my daughter throws her skirt up for just a minute to play with the hem of her skirt, and I was mortified. And I told her, put your dress down, which I know is an exact quote from my memory of my own childhood. So I know I need to talk about that in therapy, but never have I ever talked about it in therapy, and it came up in this dream. I can't even tell you.
• 13:21
  Like, I did not wanna send that to the therapist, but I need to send it and I need to talk about it in therapy. But it was shocking enough to me that that's actually what woke me up from my dream. And the shame of that and remembering what happened with their Chromebooks and not being able to stop it no matter how much we had tried to be safe, no matter how much we had taught them about internet safety, like that is the one of the primary reasons we homeschooled for the two years of the pandemic because we know our children cannot be on Chromebooks for six to eight hours a day. For, like, a 100 reasons, they cannot be on Chromebooks that much. Besides that, we even have all of the support people in place.
• 14:09
  And with all of that, it still happened. And so I just feel awful about it. Like, just feel sick that this happened on their Chromebooks or that they were exposed to anything. Even though also it's true, the Chromebooks had really good filters, so they weren't actually exposed to anything other than the piece of learning how to look it up, which is everything. And so, it's such a big piece, and it's so heavy on my heart.
• 14:37
  And I had this terrible dream, and that's how it all came out in my dream. And so after we read through the email I had sent that talked about the dream, the first thing our dream therapist did was ask how we were feeling, like in our body, what emotions we were having. And honestly, at that point, it had been two weeks since it had happened. And I was just, honestly, to be fully transparent, I was just relieved that we had not had to talk to the police again and that DHS had not come. And so I was really anxious about that.
• 15:13
  I was worried it was like an automatic referral or something, even though they said we didn't do anything wrong and that the children were safe and that everyone was paying attention. That's how we caught that it happened because everyone was paying attention. So it's hard, but also I think because of my childhood and also because of what's recently happened with my biological family of origin. Plus on top of that, some of the struggles in the community as as I ask for people to follow rules and and keep the community safe and be kind to one another. And people get mad at me when I set limits or try to protect that.
• 15:57
  And I I want to be there as a participator, as like an admin person, but also it has to be safe. And so it's this complicated experience where every area in my life right now, it feels like people are just circling around me. Even the Gossip and Healing Together, like everyone is just circling around me like sharks, and it is not very fun. That's what I told my dream therapist. And so it's been like the rug got pulled out from under me.
• 16:27
  I don't feel safe most of the time. I'm having to be extra cautious Right when I was learning to relax and let those walls come down, I've had to put walls back up and pull back a little bit because it isn't safe to participate. And if I can't know who I can trust, and if people don't tell me when there are problems or how they're feeling, I can't help sort it out and I don't know what's happening. And so it just makes it feel slippery instead of safe and makes me feel like a failure instead of confident. Like, the shame cycle goes so deep so quick.
• 17:05
  Right? So her metaphor about the shark in the water circling around me, that just fit perfectly for right now. And then on top of all that, we have everything happening with my work professionally because of what's happening in Ukraine. Right? And so regardless of your politics, that impacts what my daily life experiences of work, which is so privileged of a statement compared to what my colleagues and friends are enduring there right now.
• 17:37
  So I don't at all mean to whine about my own level of functioning when their lives are literally in danger. But it's a lot. Right? Like, it's a lot for my brain to process. It's a lot going on.
• 17:51
  And so my body and my brain were finally like, okay. We need to catch up things by getting some of this out through a dream and talking about it. So basically what she does when she tends to dream with us is kind of go through it step by step, literally symbol by symbol, and then it's our work, like homework after session, to kind of go through and look more deeply at all of these symbols we've identified and then look at the relationships between them and amongst them and what all of that means together. So she asked me first about Biden because that was the first part of the dream. And I said that, again, politics aside, just him as a person.
• 18:38
  He's a person who himself has sharks in the water. Like, there's bullies all around him, and he's just this guy, this sweet older man who is like, my son died and my wife is educated and I love her and I have some puppies and we're so happy, but there's all this drama happening around him and all the nastiness of politics. And so, again, this is not about real life. This is my dream. So try to stay with me.
• 19:10
  But thinking of him, not as the person that I know him, but as a person that he represents and what that means. And she connected that back to the throne from games of throne and asked me about that. And I said, well, that's part of what got my attention because Biden's face is so soft, but the face for game of thrones is so fierce. And so it was not congruent. Like, there was something not matching about how fierce his face was.
• 19:46
  And so I said it was not a gentle face. It was not a safe face, but not necessarily dangerous. But certainly someone depending on what they said or did could be scary, like their consequences would impact me. And so then we talked about how I feel like that's what's happening with the community, that not everywhere. And a lot of it is safe and good, and I'm grateful for those who are helping keep it safe and good.
• 20:12
  But I have zero interest, zero interest in running a Facebook group, whether it's on Facebook or another platform. So we need this community to remain safe and healthy so that it is congruent with the goals of what we set it up to do. And if we are not able to do that, we're going to have to make some serious adjustments or consider how to move forward because it is an experiment. And the only way it will work is if people are cooperating with that. And I don't at all mean that as a threat, but it sounds so harsh when I say that.
• 20:50
  And so that's what she's saying is that that's like in my dream where the fierceness of the Game of Thrones face does not match the softness of who I know of who we see Biden to be in real life. And so the same thing is that's, like, projecting what I'm feeling is that this is who I am. But because of all the sharks around me, I am having to be this fierce person that is not consistent with who I am and feeling like I have to defend myself all the time because there's sharks in the water means it's not a safe place for me even though I created it to be a safe place. And so we talked about that for a long time and what to do about it to make sure that I'm safe and people who want to be there are safe. And the people who just want, like, Facebook group drama, social trauma drama, like, don't even know how to say it.
• 21:50
  Like there are places for that where it's fine. That's that culture and that's what they do, but it doesn't need to be in this community because this community is focused on healing and therapy specifically. And because of the platform it's on, we still have to conform to the guidelines and especially legally and especially because I'm a therapist. And so I am not putting my license or the entire community or legal issues on the line for people who don't want to stay within the bounds that we agreed to create the community. And so we talked about that and how it played out in my dream.
• 22:31
  She asked me about my feelings about the fierceness and what I was thinking. And I told her that it was just a cognitive awareness. It was not like a feeling of fear. I did not feel threatened at all standing there. And so she said that's called neutral observer.
• 22:49
  I don't even know what that means. We're coming back to it another session later, but that's what she said. She asked about how I imagined my daughter felt in the dream because you know really in dreams, we play all the parts. Right? So the daughter even is actually me.
• 23:07
  And everything is me. The throne is me, which we'll talk about. Jinsaki is me. The president is me. And so she was asking, which is sneaky of her.
• 23:20
  I mean, not really. I asked for the appointment. Right? But she's asking about really how I feel as the little girl. I'm like, but there are no littles here.
• 23:30
  So how would I know? Right? There she is in my dream. There's a little girl. So she's asking, what would she feel?
• 23:37
  And I was like, well, my youngest daughter though, she's a fierce spirit. I don't think anything phases her. So that goes on our list of things to talk about later. So the next symbol to talk about was literally the throne. Right?
• 23:51
  So she asked about the game of thrones and that throne. And the throne I'm talking about is just like the throne that you see. Anytime there's something about game of thrones, there's always or Games of Throne I don't even know the right title. There's always that picture of someone sitting on this throne, right, with that fierce face. But what I'm saying is I have never read the books.
• 24:17
  I have never seen the show. So it's not really about Game of Thrones. It's about the visual image that's a part of our collective society now because anytime you're scrolling through stuff or whatever, it eventually comes up, or it did for a while. I don't know if it still does. So because of that, I recognize the symbol, but it's not at all about the actual book or the show because I've not read them or seen them.
• 24:44
  Does that make sense? So she asked me what I about the throne, and I said that I have no idea what the throne is other than it's important because it's in all the ads for the show. So I know it's important. I said, I know it looks spiky, and so I think it's meant to look scary, which is why it was weird to see the president in that space. So as a person who has not read the books or seen the movies, when I see a picture of the throne, I think to me, it is a symbol of the nasty, awful, hateful, aggressive politics of the last few years, like that environment we all endured.
• 25:26
  It was so traumatic and gaslighting. And she kind of interrupted to say, that's actually very congruent because you have this one image of the president sitting on the throne with this look on his face that is a contradictory experience about what he is in real life. Because in real life, he's actually pretty transparent. Even his own people have trouble keeping him on script. Right?
• 25:55
  So like him or not, he's very authentic. And that's why it was not congruent in the dream. It wasn't matching. And so we talked about that, like what is incongruent? What is an unfamiliar part of yourself that's having to come up because of all these issues that are happening around you?
• 26:14
  And so then I talked about, like, that's how I felt in the principal's office. Like, I felt like I was in so much trouble with the principal, even though I tried really hard to be a good mom. And even though safety is actually super important to me. And we do talk with the kids about online safety. And we have absolutely addressed pornography and trafficking and all kinds of things.
• 26:40
  So all of a sudden, I was cast as the bad guy. And it's like, that's what I feel like what's happened even in the group. So for example, people this I don't mean to make the drama worse by talking about it, but we also have to talk about it to fix it. Right? And so there was also a group that got flagged for being a bully and someone was removed by the platform for bullying.
• 27:10
  Right? And I had to investigate it, but there was nothing I could do to get them back on because it wasn't me that kicked them off. It was the platform for bullying. Well, it turns out the way they were measuring, and I'm sure, like, artificial intelligence comes in somehow here, which is kinda creepy. But, when I investigate the bullying, the bullying that they thought was happening was to me.
• 27:35
  And so it was thinking that I, as a user, was being bullied because people were DMing a big group outside of group, but not including me. So I got notified as admin of the community by the platform that someone was being bullied, and so someone had to be removed. They were removed. And then when I investigated, it was it turned out it was me getting bullied, but I didn't. I wasn't even aware because people aren't talking to me.
• 28:11
  They're just talking to each other. And part of that is because we have some people who are trying to be leaders, which is not the same as being helpful, and then people talk to them instead of talking to me. And so then I can't resolve it because no one's told me it's even going on. Like, I can't even. So that is like sharks in the water.
• 28:33
  That is like sitting in the principal's office. Because then other people have done stuff that I didn't even know about, but it's me who's in trouble for it. And that is triggering to childhood stuff of being the one to say, hey. This is not okay. And then me being the one in trouble for speaking up.
• 28:56
  Does that make sense? It feels like what's happening with my family when I'm saying, clearly things were hard because this and this and this is how things are now. So even if I don't have all the details right, things were not okay or we wouldn't be as we are. And so I'm gonna talk about it because I wanna get healing and I wanna get better, but then I'm in trouble for talking about it. So the same theme again.
• 29:23
  So then she tells me that the throne in game of thrones is called the iron throne. Like, it has a name. I think that's right. I hope I got it right. The throne of iron, the iron throne.
• 29:37
  I'm not sure. I haven't seen it or read it. I don't know. But she told me that it is called the iron throne and that the reason it is spiky is because it's actually made out of swords, which I did not know. So that's how well I'm paying attention.
• 29:54
  But she said it's made out of swords, like, basically, the literal swords of those they have had to conquer through blood and war and all of that to get on the throne where they sit now. And she said the throne was forged by or out of dragon fire, like the breath of a dragon or something. And so I'm like, well, that's really funny, except I didn't know any of that, so it doesn't count. But then she's like, except you do know because collective unconscious. Right?
• 30:34
  And I'm like, but what do I know about dragons? Nothing. And she says, oh, that's interesting and that's funny because look at this. And she pulls out you guys, I cannot believe therapists. Ugh.
• 30:47
  She pulls out this picture that is a virtual sand tray from, like, six months ago, and it is covered in dragons. Like, there's dragons at every corner. There's dragons protecting the far side. There's dragons protecting the gate. There's dragons protecting the walls.
• 31:13
  There's dragons everywhere. And I was like, oh my goodness. Okay. So dragons are a thing. Dragons are a thing.
• 31:23
  I don't know. So, basically, my homework we that's, like, as far as we even got in that whole entire hour. So, basically, my homework was to investigate and ponder and think about what those four symbols mean to me. President, throne, fire, and dragon. And I was like, listen.
• 31:49
  I know where fire goes. I know enough to know I'm not going there, but I will do your thing. Right? But it felt too scary. But then I was in group, which was feeling very safe.
• 32:07
  And as far as I know, things were going fine. So I'm that's part of my confusion. I don't know what's going wrong because I'm not seeing it. And I can't if no one tells me and I'm not seeing it, I don't know what's happening. And I'm just a human and I can't see everything.
• 32:28
  Like, if there are problems, need to know. If there are problems, it's okay to tell me. I think part of what's happening is that so many people are fawning that they're afraid to tell me because then they don't feel safe if I'm upset or concerned or something. Like, I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's happening.
• 32:50
  But if people are uncomfortable or if things are hard or not going well, then we just need to know and try it. I also think developmentally as a group, we're at a turning point and we're either going to have collectively this breakthrough like we did with Zoomies where we are able to increase our capacity for healing more than we ever have before, or things are gonna kind of fall apart. That's what happens in groups, especially at the six month mark, which is where we're at. So none of this surprises me, but I can't offer support and help navigating if I don't know what's going on. But I was in a group.
• 33:31
  I don't remember which one, but I was in a group. I was either a Friday the monthly meetup for Friday night or it was the weekly meetup on Saturday, and things were very safe as far as I could tell. And so I was sort of sketching in my bullet journal and just sort of letting come up what come up. And do you know what I did? This is when I drew my own throne made of swords.
• 34:03
  And I drew all these swords and made it spiky. Like, it doesn't look the same because I don't know I don't remember what that looks like other than, like, the vague symbol of it. Right? So I know it doesn't look exactly, and I'm not the artist. So it is not like the best drawing ever, but it was very powerful.
• 34:21
  Like, it just sort of came out of me and it was right there in my therapy notebook. And so while we were in group and I was feeling safe, I just sort of painted it, and I sat with it. I did add a little bit of fire at the top of the page. I thought maybe I could draw a dragon sometime, but I haven't done that yet. And I was just kind of looking at it.
• 34:45
  And as group went on, something in me settled enough that I started labeling my swords. Do you understand what I'm saying? Like, I, myself, being present with myself, selves, I don't even know, just let things come to the surface. This is what I'm learning. It's like a dance after eye movements.
• 35:14
  Things will just come and settle into place, and then it feels better and you have these insights, but you weren't trying at all. It's like I for the first time, I understand the whole point about the slower you go, the faster you get there. And the whole point about just calming down and those who need will get their needs met. Like, it's starting for the first time. I'm learning that language or learning how to drive that and let it happen, but stay present.
• 35:49
  I don't know how to describe it. I don't have good words yet, but pieces came up for me and I started putting them on the swords. So things that happened with my family, things that happened with my previous therapist, things that happened with my friends, things people have told me from haters who don't like the podcast, like all kinds of things that I have just carried that are the war zone I have had to conquer to sit on my throne. I just started labeling my swords. These swords that have hurt me, but that I have forged into who I am becoming.
• 36:36
  Again, it's so powerful, and it's so much bigger than I can even share right now, but it's a big, big deal. So I spent the rest of group just sketching that out and labeling stuff, and I think I was able to stay regulated because I had that support around me. So then I spent the rest of the week really thinking about those symbols. So like even the throne as a symbol, I don't know much. I don't know anything really about Game of Thrones.
• 37:09
  I just don't. I haven't read it. I haven't seen it. I don't know. But I do know a lot about, like, English and French history and monarchy in that sense.
• 37:20
  I know a lot of Middle Eastern history and monarchy in that sense. So I started thinking about those things. And I also studied some things that she sent about dream symbols and thrones and how it is about recognizing your own capacity and how you are left waiting for favor because you never know who you can really trust, who is your friend because they are your friend, and who is your friend because they need or want something, and yet you're also at the same time reliant on their help. It is about being willing to hear different perspectives, about giving guidance and direction and wanting unification. It's about the challenges of decision making for safety and security.
• 38:18
  It is about accepting what needs to be done that it just is and it needs to be done to be put to rest, and it is about the overwhelm of responsibilities. So, oh my goodness, that's a lot to unpack. For the dragon, literally the only dragon I know do not laugh at me. The only dragon I know is the never ending story dragon. And that was a good dragon, like a big puppy.
• 38:51
  Right? That's that's all I've got. So she sent me stuff about the dream symbols for dragons, and it's all about inner conflicts and the birthing of something that's never been there before but comes from all the parts of you. It's about death and rebirth. It's about becoming more aware of your surroundings.
• 39:14
  It's about overcoming challenges by defeating adversaries. It's about integrity and empowerment. And then the president symbol, again, not president Biden specifically, not about politics, just that symbol in a dream is about the traits of being vulnerable and wise, being familiar with grief and bumbling words, being kind, being aware of a new season of work, and that the work that needs doing is important. It is about your life being in danger based on the motives of others or your life being easier and better because of the motives of others. It means waiting on others to get on the same page so that you can consent or vote to be able to proceed and move forward with things in life.
• 40:22
  It's about leading through empowerment by modeling how to tackle life and its challenges and about giving yourself full function in ways that you weren't before. So that also sounds like a lot to unpack. Right? And then fire, which I don't wanna do anything with right now, that that symbol that symbol has so much to it. It's used in every ceremony or ritual, a sense of things that will go away without a trace to destroy or obliterate, a warning to be aware, the power to be who you want to be, protection and guidance.
• 41:11
  So that made me think this was not in what she sent, but when it said protection and guidance, that actually made me think Shekinah, like the pillar of fire by night and the pillar of cloud by day through the wilderness, with wilderness being a symbol of mortality. Right? So that gave me a lot to think about. Transformation, finding truth, hidden understanding, wisdom, needing to be yourself, a call to action, self renewal, new relationships, warnings of being consumed by what is not healthy relationships, which goes back to what I went through with the previous therapist and friends who turned out to not be friends. Right?
• 41:56
  Facing truth, being tested, and I don't wanna say the word, but also integration. And, again, not talking about making parts disappear, talking about integrating the experience, integrating time experience, integrating sensory and emotional and and lived experience altogether. So it was a lot. So I am going to work this week, and I'm telling you this so that I really do it as accountability. And maybe that needs to go to the workbook group that's starting.
• 42:35
  But I am saying that this week, my goal as I ponder all of these things and let these pieces fall into place is to draw a dragon. And I am not really a sci fi person other than Doctor Who. My children love Doctor Who. But I I just don't I I don't have skills to understand. I'm not smart enough for sci fi, but I just a dragon seems important at this point.
• 43:04
  So I am going to try and draw a dragon. And when I do, I will try to share it somewhere, somehow, or at least tell you that I did it. So it's a couple weeks before I see the dream therapist again because I have to see my regular therapist. But that gives me time and space to sort of work through this a little bit and see what else comes up because it's really, really packed full of stuff. But thank you for enjoying this, and maybe it gives you some things to think about.
• 43:38
  And maybe it helps you learn how to work your own dreams a little bit. Because after I figure out what these mean to me, then I have to go to figuring out what those relationships are with those symbols. What does a throne have to do with the president and Jinsaki or the pres or or the president has to do with the little girl or what you know, all these different layers. How do they interact? What do they mean to each other?
• 44:12
  Because all of the symbols are me. That's how dream work works. So I've got a lot to work on, but I needed to share those pieces. So thanks for listening.
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing. One of the ways we practice this is in community together. The link for the community is in the show notes.
• 45:25
  We look forward to seeing you there while we practice caring for ourselves, caring for our family, and participating with those who also care for community. And remember, I'm just a human, not a therapist for the community, and not there for dating, and not there to be shiny happy. Less shiny, actually. I'm there to heal too, being human together. So, yeah, sometimes we'll see you there.