Latest / Beautifully Complex / 258: What to Do When Your Kid Isn’t Listening, with Penny Williams

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258: What to Do When Your Kid Isn’t Listening, with Penny Williams · Beautifully Complex

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  Very often they are listening, they are processing, and we just don't recognize
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  that because they're not doing it in those traditional ways that we often expect.
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  So your kid may be listening and processing what you're saying, while they are
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  also turned their body away from you and building with legos. Welcome to the
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  Beautifully Complex Podcast, where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight
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  from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach,
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  author and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey of raising
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  your atypical kid. Let's get started. Welcome back to the Beautifully Complex Podcast.
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  I'm so happy to have you here. I want to talk to you
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  a little bit today about what to do when you feel like your kid isn't
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  listening. And I say you feel like because sometimes they are listening, they
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  are processing what they're saying, what we're saying. They are paying attention,
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  but they're not showing it in those traditional ways that we expect, like eye
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  contact, like turning and looking toward us at least, like responding to us
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  in a somewhat meaningful timeframe. Right, And there are so many reasons why
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  this might be happening, and we have some really good tools and strategies that
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  we can use in these cases. So when you feel like your kid isn't
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  listening, don't continue to repeat yourself because honestly, that makes people tune out
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  and they're going to be sure that they're not listening and responding to you.
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  Right, That feeling of nagging doesn't feel good and it creates a lot of
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  pressure. And for a lot of our kids, pressure makes them shut down.
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  So the more you ramp up that pressure, the less doable things become
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  for them. It's really important to recognize that because then you have to step
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  back from repeating, from nagging and find another way to sort of break through
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  to help them to be able to pay attention, listen to what you're saying,
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  and succeed at processing that and following through. Right. We want to
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  often give our kids instructions, and we don't realize that we are creating moments
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  where no matter what we do, they can't succeed. We are not making
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  it doable. You know, I talk so much here on the podcast and
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  all the work that I do with parents about making things doable for our kids.
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  We're meeting them where they are. We're understanding what works and doesn't work
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  for them, and we are putting into place tools and strategies that help them
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  to succeed and in the future be able to use them without us. And
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  I'm going to talk a little bit more about that in just a minute,
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  but I want to start with, you know, understanding what is really happening.
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  Why are they not listening? That can be for many different reasons.
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  And first again I want to reiterate that very often they are listening, they
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  are processing, and we just don't recognize that because they're not doing it in
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  those traditional ways that we often expect. So your kid may be listening and
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  processing what you're saying while they are also turned their body away from you and
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  building with legos or watching a YouTube video EVN. You know, my kids
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  have YouTube videos running in the background, and they can also hear me and
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  process and respond, which sort of blows my mind because I can't do that,
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  but they can. And so we have to recognize that sometimes our kids
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  are listening, they are processing. They are going to respond if a response
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  is required, but they're doing it in a different way than we expect.
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  And it's really just important to learn that about your child, if that's true
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  for your child, and recognize that when it's happening. So you're not saying
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  to your kid, you're not listening to me, when actually they are listening
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  to you. They're just not showing it in a way that you're picking up
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  on. Another reason why it may feel like a kid isn't listening to you
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  is that they are just too distracted in the environment and so they're not either
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  able to hone in and focus on what you're saying, or they're not able
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  to process it and respond. And you know, we're going to talk about
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  some strategies for that, but again, you need to be aware as the
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  parent, educator, caregiver, you know, the adult in the room,
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  that sometimes the environment is going to keep a kid from hearing you, from
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  listening to you because it is not conducive for that kid to be able to
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  do that. Again, it's not doable for them in that environment. Another
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  thing is slow processing speed. Your kid could be listening, they could be
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  processing, they could be intending to respond to you, but they're unable to
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  do it in that quick timeframe that you expect. This is something that was
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  very true for my own kid, and he didn't immediately respond to me when
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  I talked to him and me the super quick let's fired off, get a
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  ton, you know, fix everything right away. I didn't have the patience
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  because I didn't recognize that I needed it. It felt to me, you
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  know, it felt in my car like he just wasn't listening to me,
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  but actually he was. He just needed more time to process and respond.
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  And when I started counting to five in my own head when I said something
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  to my kid that I needed a response from, he was responding to me.
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  I didn't have to keep repeating myself. I didn't have to nag.
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  I just needed to give him more time. And I wasn't counting out loud.
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  Don't mistake me here. I was not counting down to him to give
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  me a response. I was just counting internally to make sure that I was
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  providing enough time for him to process before I said anything else. And piled
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  on because if I keep repeating myself when my kid is still processing, then
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  it disrupts that processing and now they're not able to respond to me. And
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  I've removed that do ability, right, I've made it not doable to process.
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  And respond. So be sure that you are giving that kid enough time.
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  And this goes for teens and young adults any age. If someone has
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  a slower processing speed, they just need more time. Another reason it may
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  feel like a kid isn't listening to you is because they are disregulated. When
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  we, as human beings of any age, get disregulated, our thinking brain
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  becomes less and less and less available to us, and eventually becomes completely unavailable
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  and it is completely not accessible. When we get super disregulated, what happens
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  is our emotional brain or our survival brain or both takeover. We get flooded
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  in those areas and we can no longer access any of the things that our
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  thinking brain does. No rational thought, no logic, no processing language.
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  Hello. That means they cannot respond to you when you talk to them.
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  Okay, So sometimes your kid is so dysregulated that they cannot access the part
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  of their brain they need to process language and formulate a response. You need
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  to be able to be aware of when that's happening, because that requires something
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  different from you. And I'm going to go into the strategies here for you
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  and talk about what can you do in these different instances. So, sometimes
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  your kid is hearing you and you don't know it. You can't tell in
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  traditional ways. So something you can do to ensure that you have their focus
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  and attention before you start speaking to them. It's just to walk over and
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  maybe, you know, rest your hand on their shoulder. This is all
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  just gentle physical actions to engage your kid. I'm not talking about grabbing their
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  shoulders and forcing them to look you in the eye. I'm just saying,
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  walk over, put a gentle hand on their shoulder, something very gentle and
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  physical that helps them to take note that you're looking for their attention. Right
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  with younger kids, kneel down, bend down, get on their eye level,
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  get eye to eye with them. Now this doesn't mean that we're expecting
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  eye contact from them. We are just trying to come into their field of
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  view to get their attention. So if you do that and it's uncomfortable they're
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  turning away, it's okay. It's okay because when you knelt down, you
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  got their attention. If the eye contact is uncomfortable for them, you know,
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  you can look down, you can turn your head. They can also
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  look down or turn their head. You can also even back up some you
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  know, be aware of what their comfort level is with you being right there
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  in front of them, right, be very mindful of that as well.
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  But again, they don't have to look you in the eye when you kneel
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  down. Just the act of that of getting on their eye level on that
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  sort of same plane, is going to grab their attention, and then you'll
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  have their attention to speak to them, to give them instructions whatever you're trying
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  to do. Right, you'll know that they are going to be to hear
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  you in process that you have just gained their attention right, their focus.
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  Another thing when you're giving instructions is to write it down. Write it down.
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  So many of our kids have struggles with executive functioning, working memory.
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  Right. If you tell your kid to go do A, B and C
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  and they walk away, do they often get lost before they do B or
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  C or even maybe a. Right. Write things down, put it on
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  a note card, put it on a post it note, hand it to
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  them. If they struggle with multiple steps, write down the first step,
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  hand it to them and have them go and take care of that and come
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  back. You can even write on the bottom of it, come back to
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  me when you finish this, right. That helps because if you're giving verbal
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  instruction and it's not working, then it's not doable. If it's not doable,
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  we need to insert some sort of strategy or tool to make it doable.
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  That's what writing instructions down can do for your kid. And then eventually
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  you're wanting to find a way to remove yourself from that. So are there
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  apps where your kid might engage more in something technological electronic? There are habit
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  tracking apps. I use one for myself to build routines for things that I'm
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  working on for myself. You can support your kid using that and eventually remove
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  yourself so that they are independent with these things. But also, if you're
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  writing something down, you're removing yourself further from that process because you have made
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  it doable where you don't need to continue to repeat verbal instructions. That's what
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  I mean by that. So if your kid is disregulated and they're thinking brain
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  is offline, then you need to wait. Now. If this is a
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  safety shh you and you need to get information into them right away because they
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  are in danger or creating danger for others, then that goes out the window.
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  You need to do what you need to do to keep people safe.
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  But you know, if they're disregulated and they are safe, there's not a
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  physical danger, then you need to wait to speak to them until they are
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  regulated. You need to wait to ask them to do something. You need
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  to wait to give instructions, You need to wait to teach skills. That
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  time when they're disregulating is not the time for talking. It is the time
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  for being present, being a calm anchor, letting your kid know that you're
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  there and you want to help them when they're ready, and then you wait.
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  So sometimes yes, your kid isn't listening, but it's because they can't.
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  They just can't, and we need to know that, and we need
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  to honor that. The only way forward successfully is to honor what our kids
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  need in those moments. But I promise you just focusing a little bit on
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  putting a hand on their shoulder, giving them verbal instructions, understanding that they
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  can be listening to you without making eye contact is super, super helpful and
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  it will move you forward. So if you feel like your kid is not
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  listening to you, ask yourself, is that really true? Could it be
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  something else? And if you're answered it could it be something else? Is
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  yes? Your next question is what else. Could it be Could it be
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  a distraction, Could it be the environment. Could it be poor executive functioning
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  skills. Could it be that they have slow processing speed. Could it be
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  that they need written instruction right? Could it be that they're dysregulated and they
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  need help or time or both to calm down and get their thinking brain back
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  online. That's what I want you to ask yourself in these moments, and
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  I think that you will find that you will feel more and more like your
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  kid actually is listening to you when you are mindfully aware of these different potential
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  hurdles and you are meeting your kid where they are. For the show notes
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  for this episode, you can visit Parenting ADHD and Autism dot com Slash two
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  five eight for episode two hundred and fifty eight. I will see you on
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  the next episode. Take good care. Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully
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  Complex podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and
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  don't forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching at PARENTINGADHD and Autism
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  dot com and at The Behavior Revolution dot com. A