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Transcript

Responsibility-Romance · Brewing Better Marriages

• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I've been looking for you.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I've been looking for you.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Brewing Better Marriages from T South Dakota with Philip and Debbie Sanders.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: If these podcasts are a help to you, pass it on to others.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Also let us know with an email and include any questions that you would have about the subjects that we are covering.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: One word you're going to hear constantly in this is honorable.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that word means Honored, esteemed, precious, costly.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because we live in such an age.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: We are trying to push against the spirit of the age, which is noncommittal.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: We have a commitment to each other.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: We have a commitment to God, and we have a commitment to our society and our families to stay committed to our marriage.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: This leads us into the last subject that we had covered, which is responsibility.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And responsibility comes from us to God.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And one thing we've got to understand is this is not a 50-50 game.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's 100-100.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that Emerson Eggrich says in his book that is called Love and Respect, it's not wrong.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's just different.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say it together.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's not wrong.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's just different.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Men see it from the way that God created them, and women They see it from the way God created them.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: So Egridge kind of calls that blue eyes and pink eyes or blue glasses and pink glasses.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: We see it from the perspective that God made us.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Then we talked about the chain of command.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: That chain of command is Christ or God.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath that comes the husband, and then comes the wife, and then comes the children.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if either one of us, any of us, get out of that perspective, then it opens a door for the enemy to come in and wreak havoc in our home.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: So we have an umbrella of protection that starts with God.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: Also, we discuss the leave and cleave issue, how that so many times when we leave father and mother and we start cleaving to each other, then uh sometimes we don't unpack the luggage that we carry.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: We bring in habits, we bring in uh just uh idiosyncrasies, uh, we bring in traditions that that is going to create conflicts.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we just need to unpack them outside the door of the home and leave them there and learn each other.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Take what, Deb?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: Take what's best from what your home life was, and him take what's best from what his home life was and build on that foundation, your new foundation in your marriage.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: This will lead when you fulfill these principles, this will lead to a romance.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't just get married to exist.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: We got married so that we can uh stay in love.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, first of all, let's step out here and say, you know, the society today says I fell in love.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Is that right, Deb?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_02: No, you don't fall in love, you choose to love.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's a choice you make.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that controls your will.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: You will to love.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: There are some things about, well, I don't know if there's much about me that Debbie doesn't like that she has to will herself to love.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_02: Do you think we won't make comments about all that.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_02: We take too long.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: But there are times that you have to will.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know, he doesn't always pick up his underwear and put them in the laundry.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't always pick up his laundry and put them in the basket.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: For sure.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, there are some things that I've picked up from you.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um, not I mean, not picked up your laundry or anything, but uh I've learned how to vacuum, right?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: I've learned how to take the trash out.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do I have to put the bag in when I come back?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: That would be nice.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: But romance, how do you do this?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: What is it?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: How do you keep the romance in your life?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the Bible gives us some principles in Hebrews 13 and 4.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: Hebrews 13 4 says, Marriage is honorable in awe, and the bed undefiled.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_02: Psalm 23 says, The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if God puts you together, then you can associate with each other, even in a romantic way.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why how do you do that?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Who comes first, Deb?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: As a w wife, you always remember your husband is first.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: After your relationship with the Lord, your husband is first.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: He's above the children.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, there are times, and we'll talk about that later, in the stages of a woman's life, there's times that she has to prioritize to the point the children's needs may have to be met sometimes.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_02: But it when she loves her husband and they have an understanding relationship, he still knows that he's first.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: And she shows that in her actions to her children.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_02: And um still she needs to remember that he's first, even though there are times when other things have to be taken care of.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Boy, I like that when you say those things and you're looking at across this uh table at me in my eyes.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Move first.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_02: Move on.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, even above the housekeeping, even above grocery shopping, all of these things need to fall.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that you become a slave, no, but it just it just becomes the fact that he is first.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if you keep that in that direction, that always works.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Then you must learn your spouse what pleases him, what pleases her.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: Right.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_02: And it and and you don't compare yourselves among yourselves because this day and hour, and well, it's been that way probably throughout all of time.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_02: But the world tries to make us think that romance is something completely different from what God You can use that word sexual.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that too.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_02: That word too.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: But we we have to look at it the biblical way, the way God wants us to, to for it to succeed and to be lasting and to be um the way God planned for it to be.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_02: So when you think of your spouse, you're not just uh, you know, you get married and then you go about life and do your thing.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: No, you get married and everything about your spouse consumes you all the time throughout the day, whether you're at work or you're at home with the kids or you're out in in town doing whatever's necessary, you're thinking, okay, I wonder what he's doing.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: I wonder where he's at.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: You might send a text or an an um a message to him, you know.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: I years ago before the time of texting, before the time of cell phones even, I would send notes in his in his lunchbox to work, or when he went on a missions trip, I filled his suitcase with notes.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yes.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and and I always worried about when you'd go with another preacher, and if those notes were to fall out of your suitcase, I would be humiliated.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_02: But I mean, nothing bad, you know, just just letting him know how I missed him and how much I loved him.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_02: And and you know, that is romance.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_02: So you don't it's not what's in the Grace Livingston Hills books or any of the others, for that matter, even the Christian books.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_02: You know, you have to see what pleases him, find that out, and that's what you want to your goal.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: That's what you want to strive for to please him.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Since we have moved to South Dakota, we've changed uh the big grocery store is Hive.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so I turn, I I let Debbie out at the door and I go park the car, and this is our habit.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: I go in and there is a Starbucks there in Hive.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: So I order a Starbucks coffee, and probably most of the time I'll either chase her down or else I'll go out to the car and sit, do emails, uh, et cetera, uh, make some phone calls, but I always save a half, if not a third, of my coffee that I got for her when she gets done shopping.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have learned her, and I've learned that that's what she loves.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: She likes it.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: So, uh guys, there's ways you can do that.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: How often?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: How many times to the day?
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Are you thinking about that business deal all day long?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Are you thinking about the next place that you're going to work?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, in between those times, shoot a text and say, I sure love you, or I'm looking forward to coming home, or where do you want to go to supper tonight?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: All of that is romance.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now, personally, I am not a real romantic person, okay?
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I've got some friends that do some stuff that they'll tell me about, and I just choke, okay?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm more of a guy that just uh instantaneous.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't plan that out.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I'll say he has romanticism in him.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: I've seen it many times when he'd go on missions trips.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, tell me more.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: Especially one time in particular, he went to the Philippines.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_02: So he brings me back this beautiful handmade basket.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_02: I'm talking about it was so big they he couldn't put it overhead in the luggage rack.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_02: He didn't want to put it underneath because it had been crushed.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_02: So halfway around the world, he carries this basket in his lap.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_02: Now, that was romance to me when he brings that home to me.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: I knew that he was had his thoughts for me, was thinking about me he when he purchased that, and then I I hope he thought about how he had to get it home.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_02: But anyway, that that's romance.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: See, I'm instantaneous.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I just bought it, not thinking about how to get it home.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if I can get a good aw from the ladies out there.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh oh, yeah, okay.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: That would help my romantic part uh that I have.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: But take the initiative.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: You want her to show you love or romance, then you show her romance.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: If you want him to show you romance, then what?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: You show him romance.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, just little things.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be the big major mega, uh, you know, let's go to uh let's see, Ruth Chris.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: I want to take you to Ruth Chris.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: How about let's just go to Sonic if that's what she likes.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so those things take the initiative in it.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: Be what she wants to be, not just what you want to be.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: And vice versa.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, man, here bumpin' 70, Debbie, you know, we look back over when we first got married, I was 19 and you were 21.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And we have changed a whole lot.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: There's a whole lot about us that has changed.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: For sure.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And and life uh brings those changes.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Is all this going to start right off?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: No, my goodness, there were such struggles in the beginning, and we don't have time.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, attend one of our marriage conferences, you'll learn more about us.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: But we don't have time to share all of our uh, what would you say, bumps in the road that we had?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: But changes come to our lives, they come to our bodies, they come to our seasons come.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Debs preparing to uh do a mother-daughter banquet in Indiana, and she's kind of been rehearsing some of this to me.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: She says, Have I got too much material?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: I think I need to concise this.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: How should I pull this out?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: What should I say here?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, that's all part of romance, I guess.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: But let me say that we all change.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Matter of fact, you remember when the angels came down and talked to Abraham and Sarah?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: We always pinpoint out that Sarah laughed.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: But if you go the chapter previous, Abraham laughed too and said, I'm a hundred years old and she's 90 years old, and can we have children now?
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is the romance, in other words, he's saying, Is the romance still alive?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now it didn't just come to him.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: She said the same thing.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: She kind of chuckled about it and said, How could this happen?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: How could this be?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: How could I find pleasure?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so in the seasons of our life, but as we grow closer to God, I always typify this as the triangle.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: God is at the very top, and stemming from him is the two lines.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: And one side is man and on the other side is woman, or can we say, the husband and the wife?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: And across the bottom is a line.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: So as we grow closer to God, we start out down here at the bottom, apart with all of these differences.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: But as we grow closer to God, we grow closer to each other.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so, therefore, that's what makes all of this matter.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, we want to say we thank you for tuning in, downloading, whatever you do.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Please send questions that you have about what we're saying, and then uh we'll try and respond to them as you send them.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, we'd like to say thank you for listening and download these sessions and go back over them, uh, possibly with your spouse and uh read the scriptures.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: But if you have questions, we would encourage you that to send them to sandersministries at gmail.com.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or get on our website sanders-ministries.org.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: That is sanders-ministries.org.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: We have a drop down that will link you to every one of these podcasts.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if you missed something, go back, download it, and do it again.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, from T South Dakota, this is Philip and Debbie Sanders.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Thanking you for tuning in.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: May God bless you.