Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 392. The Spark Dilemma - Should you Settle or Move on? (and other Head Noise questions)

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392. The Spark Dilemma - Should you Settle or Move on? (and other Head Noise questions) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans. Welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:14
Speaker 1: So this is a listener question head Noise podcast episode.
0:18
Speaker 1: So I'm answering four of your questions, and they we
0:21
Speaker 1: talk about, you know, having career confusion. We talk about
0:25
Speaker 1: limerens and getting over somebody. We talk about how to
0:29
Speaker 1: deal with family members that don't want to be motivated
0:32
Speaker 1: when you're trying to like help them live a better
0:33
Speaker 1: life and they're just not.
0:34
Speaker 2: Receptive to it, and what do you do.
0:36
Speaker 1: We talk about not knowing if someone's the right person
0:39
Speaker 1: because they're perfect on paper, but it's there isn't a
0:42
Speaker 1: spark there.
0:42
Speaker 2: So there's four.
0:44
Speaker 1: Completely different topics and they're just such great questions that
0:47
Speaker 1: I think are very, very very relatable for so.
0:49
Speaker 2: Much of my audience.
0:50
Speaker 1: So I'm really excited for you guys to listen to
0:52
Speaker 1: this episode. I do go a little bit in depth
0:54
Speaker 1: with all these questions in today's episode, So fucking grab
0:58
Speaker 1: yourself a much and get comfortable and settle in and
1:01
Speaker 1: see if any of these applied to you or to
1:04
Speaker 1: your friends and enjoy. Also, before I get into the episode,
1:08
Speaker 1: my live show is coming up in like two months time,
1:14
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1:17
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1:22
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1:24
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1:28
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1:31
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1:33
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1:34
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1:41
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1:51
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1:57
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1:59
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2:00
Speaker 2: It was just like Sydney was unreal.
2:01
Speaker 1: And to be able to do five shows in May,
2:03
Speaker 1: I'm fucking pumped. And then just another quick little plug
2:09
Speaker 1: if you haven't already, go download my Hotel Mindset app.
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2:44
Speaker 1: to everyone that's been trying it for the last seven
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Speaker 1: days and been giving me your feedback.
2:49
Speaker 2: I love hearing it. And I did get feedback from
2:51
Speaker 2: someone saying that.
2:52
Speaker 1: In one of the affirmation things, I need to give
2:55
Speaker 1: a little bit more time for you to repeat the
2:58
Speaker 1: affirmation because sometimes the same And this is a long
3:00
Speaker 1: so thank you. I love all feedback, constructive and obviously
3:03
Speaker 1: positive as well, but I love all your feedback, so
3:05
Speaker 1: thank you so much. And yes, let's settle into the
3:09
Speaker 1: episode of today. I love you God so much. First question, Hi,
3:13
Speaker 1: alexis I recently met and have been seeing a guy
3:16
Speaker 1: for the first time in a while. For context, the
3:18
Speaker 1: only relationship slash situation I've experienced have been wildly unhealthy,
3:23
Speaker 1: and I've been focusing my time and energy on growing
3:25
Speaker 1: out of the attraction I had to shitty men and
3:28
Speaker 1: breaking my toxic habits. This new man is virtually perfect
3:32
Speaker 1: on paper. He is so loving, genuine, and pure, which
3:36
Speaker 1: seems like everything I've been asking for from the universe
3:39
Speaker 1: to send me someone that just really appreciates me for me,
3:43
Speaker 1: where I don't have to go through the chase for
3:44
Speaker 1: their attention and acceptance. What is stumping me is that
3:48
Speaker 1: something feels like it's missing. I can't tell if it's
3:51
Speaker 1: me mistaking the lack of chase for the lack of spark,
3:55
Speaker 1: or if he just isn't my person. The only thing
3:57
Speaker 1: that I can think of is that it feels like
3:59
Speaker 1: he lacks a little bit of understanding of a few things.
4:02
Speaker 1: Nothing harmful, just naivety. We're both young and have so
4:05
Speaker 1: much to learn about the world, but I want him
4:07
Speaker 1: to be able to shape his own experiences without the
4:09
Speaker 1: subconscious influence of who I want him to be. The
4:12
Speaker 1: last thing I want to do is to string him
4:14
Speaker 1: along while I figure out what this nagging feeling is.
4:17
Speaker 1: I have been quite open with him about how I feel,
4:19
Speaker 1: but I just don't know what it would take to
4:21
Speaker 1: be able to make my decision. Currently, I'm listening to
4:24
Speaker 1: episode two hundred and fifty three as I write this.
4:26
Speaker 1: Ha ha ha. I appreciate everything that I've learned through
4:28
Speaker 1: the years of listening to DYFM so much and would
4:31
Speaker 1: love to hear your opinion on the situation.
4:34
Speaker 2: Okay, So, I feel like there's two separate things going
4:36
Speaker 2: on here.
4:36
Speaker 1: One of the things is that you are not loving
4:40
Speaker 1: his lack of understanding on a few things.
4:42
Speaker 2: It's just a bit of naivety.
4:43
Speaker 1: You feel like he needs to have his own experiences
4:46
Speaker 1: to shape who he is. That's one independent thing. But
4:49
Speaker 1: then the other thing is that you are feeling like
4:54
Speaker 1: the fact that you didn't have the chase and that
4:56
Speaker 1: he's so available makes you lack the spark.
5:00
Speaker 2: There's one thing that for a lot of people who
5:01
Speaker 2: are used to.
5:02
Speaker 1: So I'm going to address the spark thing first, then
5:03
Speaker 1: I'm going to address the second thing that you mentioned. So,
5:06
Speaker 1: one thing that is really common in people that are
5:10
Speaker 1: used to the crazy butterflies, which you know, is when
5:14
Speaker 1: the butterflies are that being can go for that long
5:17
Speaker 1: to a crazy extent, it's anxiety. So you've got these
5:20
Speaker 1: crazy butterflies, you've got this unavailability. It's the chase. The
5:25
Speaker 1: chase comes down to one of the two people being unavailable,
5:29
Speaker 1: whether it's intentional because they're trying to play a game,
5:31
Speaker 1: they're trying to be more mysterious, they're trying to keep
5:33
Speaker 1: someone on their toes, or whether it's not intentional because
5:37
Speaker 1: they're actually just not that interested and so they're you know,
5:39
Speaker 1: either casting their net wide or they're just not giving
5:41
Speaker 1: the person the time of day because they just don't
5:43
Speaker 1: really care that much. They don't value that person's time enough. Okay,
5:47
Speaker 1: But the chase occurs because and another reason someone might
5:51
Speaker 1: be doing that. The whole chase thing could also come
5:53
Speaker 1: down to the fact that they are not willing to
5:56
Speaker 1: be vulnerable, so it's kind of this push pull push
5:58
Speaker 1: pull of the chase, okay, or or if they prefer
6:01
Speaker 1: to be chased. A lot of people want to be chased,
6:05
Speaker 1: or they really enjoy this unattainable person that they can
6:09
Speaker 1: then make attainable. But either way, it doesn't matter which
6:12
Speaker 1: end of the chase you're sitting on. It's extremely exciting
6:15
Speaker 1: because you're going through this entire rollercoaster of emotions, and
6:18
Speaker 1: people mistake the excitement.
6:21
Speaker 2: Of the relief that they feel.
6:23
Speaker 1: When the highs are high with love. Okay, so a
6:28
Speaker 1: lot of people will think, but I felt stronger feelings
6:31
Speaker 1: with these other people, but unfortunately they were toxic. But
6:34
Speaker 1: these stronger feelings that they were feeling were not love.
6:37
Speaker 1: You're mistaking relief for love. You're a mistaking relief and butterflies, anxiety, relief,
6:43
Speaker 1: anxiety relief, that cycle of like, oh my god, oh
6:46
Speaker 1: my god, they messaged me, oh my god, oh my god,
6:48
Speaker 1: they messaged me because someone's not available. When they message you,
6:51
Speaker 1: it's actually a shock, it's a surprise.
6:54
Speaker 2: Okay.
6:55
Speaker 1: People that know how to play the game in the
6:57
Speaker 1: dating scene act like a poke ke machine.
7:00
Speaker 2: Okay.
7:01
Speaker 1: It's intermittent reinforcement. If someone were to reinforce you every
7:06
Speaker 1: single time, I e. A secure person who every time
7:09
Speaker 1: you reach out, they respond, every time you ask.
7:12
Speaker 2: Them a question, they open up and talk to you.
7:14
Speaker 1: About whatever it is that you want to talk about.
7:15
Speaker 1: When someone's available, that is consistent reinforcement. So you know,
7:20
Speaker 1: if I want this, I'm going to get this. That's
7:22
Speaker 1: called stability, that's called available.
7:25
Speaker 2: Okay.
7:25
Speaker 1: Then the opposite of that is an unhealthy, toxic relationship,
7:28
Speaker 1: and that's where you it's like nothing nothing, Oh I
7:32
Speaker 1: gotta win nothing nothing, I gotta win. And that's addiction.
7:35
Speaker 1: That's addictive.
7:36
Speaker 2: That is the pokey is.
7:37
Speaker 1: That's how pokes operate, and that's how people who know
7:39
Speaker 1: how to play the game, who know how to extring
7:41
Speaker 1: people along, who know how to have multiple people want them.
7:44
Speaker 2: That is how they operate.
7:45
Speaker 1: Okay, So now that I've kind of broken down that mentality,
7:48
Speaker 1: I want you to realize that the spark is often mistaken.
7:52
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying you can't have a spark when
7:53
Speaker 1: you're in love, but often people mistake the relief and
7:57
Speaker 1: the high and the win on the Pokey machine from
7:59
Speaker 1: them responding to you as love, as a deeper feeling,
8:04
Speaker 1: a deeper connection. It is not that, Okay, True love
8:10
Speaker 1: can only be and I don't care what any cunt
8:12
Speaker 1: tells you or tells me for a fact, love can
8:17
Speaker 1: only be determined after a significant period of time where
8:20
Speaker 1: you really get to know that other individual, and you
8:23
Speaker 1: get to know layers off that person. You get to
8:25
Speaker 1: know parts of their character, parts of you know their
8:27
Speaker 1: biggest fears and how they respond to situations, how they
8:30
Speaker 1: behave under pressure, how they treat you when you're in
8:33
Speaker 1: your ara of need, and all these different things. Okay,
8:35
Speaker 1: that's where love comes from. Love should not real, Love
8:38
Speaker 1: should not feel like a crazy roller coaster. Okay, you
8:42
Speaker 1: can then layer romance and flirtation and spontaneity on top
8:46
Speaker 1: of that, but the foundations of love should be stable, calm, available,
8:52
Speaker 1: That is the foundations of love. Then you pepper on
8:54
Speaker 1: the fund shit on top. Most people only have the
8:57
Speaker 1: fun shit and they don't have the stability, so it's
8:59
Speaker 1: a roller coaster and that's what they're feeling. So that's
9:01
Speaker 1: established said what I needed to say about that. So
9:04
Speaker 1: now we're looking at you comparing this available person with
9:09
Speaker 1: the roller coasters that you've had before.
9:11
Speaker 2: I want you to ask yourself.
9:13
Speaker 1: Were the relationships that I've had before actually love? Okay,
9:16
Speaker 1: now this might not be love either, which is fine,
9:19
Speaker 1: but I want you to ask yourself, was it actually
9:21
Speaker 1: because don't confuse yourself and don't set yourself up for
9:25
Speaker 1: disappointment for the rest of your life. I have a
9:27
Speaker 1: couple of friends, more than a couple, actually, I've got
9:30
Speaker 1: a significant number of friends who have gone through a
9:33
Speaker 1: similar pattern where they've had all this excitement quote unquote.
9:39
Speaker 2: Excitement in the relationships and then they've met someone.
9:41
Speaker 1: Really stable, really secure, really available, and they're like, ah,
9:45
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm feeling it.
9:46
Speaker 2: I don't know if I'm feeling it.
9:47
Speaker 1: And it ultimately comes down to the fact that this
9:49
Speaker 1: person is just available and there's no chance of losing them.
9:53
Speaker 1: They're saying, I'm here for you, I'm here if you
9:55
Speaker 1: need I'm here. And because there's no chance of losing them,
9:58
Speaker 1: you don't have this crazy excitement. So I want you
10:00
Speaker 1: to ask yourself, really, what is it that you value
10:03
Speaker 1: in a long term relationship?
10:05
Speaker 2: Truly value what do you.
10:07
Speaker 1: Want in a partner, because firstly, it is very unlikely
10:11
Speaker 1: that you're going to get everything from that partner. One
10:13
Speaker 1: thing that people need to stop doing is expecting their
10:16
Speaker 1: romantic partner to tick all their social needs boxes. Okay,
10:21
Speaker 1: you just need your partner to tick the main non
10:25
Speaker 1: negotial things in a relationship, right I For example, take me, Yes,
10:29
Speaker 1: I have an amazing relationship with my partner.
10:31
Speaker 2: I'm very grateful for my relationship. It's great.
10:33
Speaker 1: But I don't expect Tyrone to tick every single box
10:36
Speaker 1: as far as what I need in relationships, because I've
10:39
Speaker 1: got a whole array of friends that also tick all
10:44
Speaker 1: these other needs for me. You know, if you're craving spontaneity,
10:48
Speaker 1: you can have the fun, spontaneous friends and your partner
10:50
Speaker 1: can be the stable one. You can still have all
10:53
Speaker 1: these other things across, you know, the plethora of relationships
10:58
Speaker 1: that you have in your life, and you just have
11:00
Speaker 1: to make sure that your partner is the one that
11:02
Speaker 1: has the qualities that you value the most. You know,
11:05
Speaker 1: that mean the most to you, That equal what you
11:08
Speaker 1: value the most. And for most people, they're going to
11:11
Speaker 1: value someone who makes them safe, someone who makes them
11:14
Speaker 1: feel secure. And I'm not talking about someone who's always
11:18
Speaker 1: reinforcing you when you're feeling you know, like someone who's
11:21
Speaker 1: always basically like if you're insecure and they're like, oh no,
11:24
Speaker 1: it's not this, it's not that, and going back and forth.
11:26
Speaker 2: I'm not talking about that.
11:27
Speaker 1: I'm talking about someone who offers you a safe space
11:29
Speaker 1: to be who you are without feeling like you're walking
11:32
Speaker 1: on eggshells. All these things are kind of like the
11:34
Speaker 1: main thing you got to ask yourself, what do I
11:36
Speaker 1: value the most?
11:37
Speaker 2: Is this person providing that? Okay?
11:39
Speaker 1: Because if the answer is this, yeah, they're a great person,
11:42
Speaker 1: but they're actually not providing that, then maybe he's not
11:44
Speaker 1: the one for you. But if the answer is, wow,
11:46
Speaker 1: the only thing I'm missing is the spark, but there's
11:48
Speaker 1: a lot that can be built on this, then I
11:50
Speaker 1: would give it more time and I would try to
11:52
Speaker 1: lean in further.
11:53
Speaker 2: Now, so that's that.
11:55
Speaker 1: The next thing is you're talking about that, Yeah, okay,
11:59
Speaker 1: So the thing that you're missing, that spark thing that
12:03
Speaker 1: I think is like a fallacy that we fool ourselves
12:05
Speaker 1: with and we throw away some potentially great relationships because
12:08
Speaker 1: we're expecting this spark.
12:09
Speaker 2: When the spark will.
12:10
Speaker 1: Eventually make or break you, it's going to like break
12:13
Speaker 1: down or it's going to fade away anyway, all right.
12:16
Speaker 2: Now, the other thing that you're.
12:19
Speaker 1: Talking about, which is that he's lacking understanding of a
12:22
Speaker 1: few things he said. It's nothing harmful, but it's just naivety.
12:24
Speaker 1: One big thing that might be a deal breaker for
12:27
Speaker 1: you is if you find that someone is not on
12:29
Speaker 1: the emotional maturity level that you are at. That is
12:33
Speaker 1: really really hard to push past that, especially for women. Okay,
12:38
Speaker 1: women find it really difficult to push past this. And
12:43
Speaker 1: I'm going to explain why, especially for women over men,
12:45
Speaker 1: but in general, women find it really difficult to be
12:48
Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone who emotionally is not at
12:51
Speaker 1: their level because we are the way we discuss things,
12:56
Speaker 1: the way we talk about things with our friends and
12:58
Speaker 1: people around us. We want someone who can carry their
13:01
Speaker 1: own you know, isn't easily swayed, isn't easily influenced. We
13:04
Speaker 1: want someone who's independent but works together in a relationship.
13:07
Speaker 2: The difference with a lot of men, and.
13:09
Speaker 1: I'm going to fucking drop the line not all men,
13:11
Speaker 1: because it's not all men. But the difference with a
13:13
Speaker 1: lot of men is a lot of men, especially ones
13:15
Speaker 1: that prefer to control other than love in a relationship,
13:19
Speaker 1: is that they're not too concerned about the difference in
13:22
Speaker 1: emotional maturity because as long as they have power, that's
13:25
Speaker 1: enough to make them feel needed and wanted, and that
13:27
Speaker 1: services a lot of their needs or their presumed needs. Okay,
13:32
Speaker 1: but for women it's really hard. So you have to
13:33
Speaker 1: ask yourself, really.
13:35
Speaker 2: Break it down.
13:36
Speaker 1: Is this guy emotionally mature enough for me? Because if
13:41
Speaker 1: you're saying, oh, it's naive, it's this he needs to
13:43
Speaker 1: learn about.
13:44
Speaker 2: The world, no offense.
13:46
Speaker 1: But if I was saying that about my partner, I'd
13:48
Speaker 1: be pretty turned off if I need someone.
13:49
Speaker 2: To like, oh, you know, you're really naive. You need
13:51
Speaker 2: to learn about the world near.
13:53
Speaker 1: This, Like if you feel like you're going to be
13:54
Speaker 1: holding his hand through the journey, then maybe that's actually
13:56
Speaker 1: what's turning you off. Maybe the fact that he's a
13:58
Speaker 1: good person there's a lack of a spuck is not
13:59
Speaker 1: the Maybe you just think that you know, this person
14:03
Speaker 1: doesn't have enough life experience. They don't have enough to
14:05
Speaker 1: like hold their owner, being dependent and like back themselves
14:08
Speaker 1: and have their own opinions. And that's enough to be
14:10
Speaker 1: turned off. So ask yourself, are we on the same
14:12
Speaker 1: level from an emotional maturity standpoint?
14:15
Speaker 2: Because if the answer is no, then that.
14:17
Speaker 1: That is hard to deal with and to work through.
14:19
Speaker 1: That's probably where you want them to go off and
14:21
Speaker 1: live their life for a little bit. And the second
14:23
Speaker 1: thing is you know, am am I needing a spark
14:27
Speaker 1: because I think that that equals love Because the answer
14:29
Speaker 1: is absolutely not. As long as this person is like
14:31
Speaker 1: hitting all the main pillars of your needs in a relationship,
14:33
Speaker 1: then that spark. Instead of a spark, you want to
14:35
Speaker 1: replace that for joined like fun and exciting things that
14:39
Speaker 1: you guys can do together as a couple where you're
14:41
Speaker 1: really having a great time with you, really sharing an
14:43
Speaker 1: experience together, not where one person is providing you highs
14:45
Speaker 1: and lows because they're not available. All right, Hopefully that
14:49
Speaker 1: answered the question in a roundabout way. It's most of
14:52
Speaker 1: my questions. I'm just like giving you different angles to
14:55
Speaker 1: look for. I don't often give a straight up blanket
15:00
Speaker 1: statement or a yes or a no, just because I
15:02
Speaker 1: try and get you to ask yourself the questions to
15:04
Speaker 1: figure out.
15:04
Speaker 2: How you want to navigate this.
15:06
Speaker 1: Okay, the next question, Hi, alexis I want to start
15:09
Speaker 1: off by saying how much I love the podcast and
15:11
Speaker 1: appreciate all of your wisdom. It has really helped me
15:13
Speaker 1: with my personal growth and I can't thank you enough
15:15
Speaker 1: for it. My question is how can you support loved
15:18
Speaker 1: ones who seem to merely be surviving rather than truly living.
15:22
Speaker 1: They go through the motions waking up, working, coming home,
15:25
Speaker 1: watching TV, sleeping, and repeating the same cycle. Over the
15:29
Speaker 1: past year, I've observed my parents and now my brother
15:32
Speaker 1: falling into a similar routine, and I've noticed that they
15:35
Speaker 1: rarely make time for themselves or for quality family interaction.
15:39
Speaker 1: I worry that my parents are spending their time on
15:41
Speaker 1: this earth simply existing, rather than taking the necessary steps
15:45
Speaker 1: to care for their physical and mental well being, which
15:47
Speaker 1: has visibly declined over the years as they've been become
15:50
Speaker 1: increasingly inactive. I'm attempted to have conversations with them, suggesting
15:54
Speaker 1: that change is needed, but they seem to be unwilling
15:56
Speaker 1: to open up or share what's truly going on in
15:58
Speaker 1: their lives. That their work and routine are taking a
16:02
Speaker 1: significant toll on their mental health, which is distressing to watch,
16:05
Speaker 1: and I feel powerless because I'm unsure how to approach
16:08
Speaker 1: or address the situation. Despite multiple attempts to explain that
16:12
Speaker 1: their health and by extension, the well being of the
16:14
Speaker 1: family is being affected, our discussions often devolve into arguments
16:20
Speaker 1: that lead nowhere. I want to help them come to
16:23
Speaker 1: the realization that life is meant to be lived and experienced,
16:26
Speaker 1: not spent mindlessly in front of a screen. Is there
16:28
Speaker 1: something I can do or say to encourage positive change
16:31
Speaker 1: without it sounding like criticism or making them feel attacked?
16:35
Speaker 1: Is it ultimately beyond my control since it's their decision
16:38
Speaker 1: to make regarding their own behavior. Thanks again, this is
16:42
Speaker 1: a very, very very good question. There are many people
16:46
Speaker 1: who are in that similar position, especially when it comes
16:48
Speaker 1: to you know, parents and you know, not even just parents,
16:52
Speaker 1: but I think family members in general. And when it
16:55
Speaker 1: comes to I feel like a lot of this is
16:58
Speaker 1: linked to, you know, addiction to devices like being on
17:02
Speaker 1: their phones a lot, of being on the TV a lot,
17:04
Speaker 1: or exactly what you just said, Like you're kind of
17:06
Speaker 1: going around the same routine day and day out. But
17:09
Speaker 1: even you know, routine is absolutely fine if you're feeling
17:12
Speaker 1: fulfilled and if you're feeling like it's it's you know,
17:16
Speaker 1: blossom in your mind or something, or you're doing like hobbies.
17:19
Speaker 1: But this idea of like I've like gone to work,
17:22
Speaker 1: which is not for me. Now I come home and
17:23
Speaker 1: then I just absorb content from the TV on my
17:26
Speaker 1: phone for the rest of the day. Like that's you know,
17:27
Speaker 1: you look at that and it feels like, oh my god,
17:29
Speaker 1: this person is wasting their life away.
17:31
Speaker 2: Now Ultimately, can you control it?
17:34
Speaker 1: No, the answer is no, as we know that you
17:37
Speaker 1: can't force someone to do something, But what can you
17:41
Speaker 1: do to try and help? Because are there things that
17:43
Speaker 1: you can do to try and help. Absolutely, yes, there's
17:45
Speaker 1: many things you can.
17:46
Speaker 2: Try and do.
17:46
Speaker 1: But I want you to realize that if none of
17:49
Speaker 1: the things that you try to do work, this is
17:52
Speaker 1: not on you, and it is also not your fault.
17:55
Speaker 2: If you just you know, you're going to feel like
17:58
Speaker 2: I've tried this, I've tried that, I've tried that.
18:00
Speaker 1: It's not your fault. If things don't work, you haven't
18:02
Speaker 1: done something wrong. You haven't you know, chosen the wrong
18:05
Speaker 1: technique to use or chose. You're trying your best. But
18:08
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, the only way someone
18:11
Speaker 1: can cause permanent change is if they want it for themselves.
18:15
Speaker 1: Because someone might temporarily start something and temporarily change something,
18:18
Speaker 1: but as hard as it is, they're going to have
18:21
Speaker 1: to want it for themselves. Having said that, there are
18:25
Speaker 1: several things that you can do to put into practice
18:27
Speaker 1: to try and inspire change in the other person. You've
18:32
Speaker 1: already sat them down and had talks with them, and
18:35
Speaker 1: you've done it several times, and I know.
18:40
Speaker 2: Exactly what you're talking about.
18:41
Speaker 1: And I've been in a position as well with people
18:43
Speaker 1: that I love in the same realm where I've spoken
18:46
Speaker 1: to them and you know about multiple things, not just
18:49
Speaker 1: specifically this, but about other things and what they're doing
18:51
Speaker 1: with their life and I try and talk to them,
18:53
Speaker 1: and I pour my heart out and I do it
18:54
Speaker 1: in a non judgmental way, and I give them ideas
18:57
Speaker 1: and I do this, you know, and you do it
18:59
Speaker 1: so warmly in whatever and even for me, it's been
19:03
Speaker 1: well received. But then they don't action anything after like
19:06
Speaker 1: it's been well received. I promise, I'll do this, I'll promise,
19:09
Speaker 1: I'll do that. I'm gonna, I'm gonna yep, you're right,
19:10
Speaker 1: you're right, actually change, but then nothing happens, or they
19:13
Speaker 1: start actioning something for a little bit, and then they
19:15
Speaker 1: go back to the old ways, being on the screen
19:17
Speaker 1: the whole time, or not really doing anything with their
19:19
Speaker 1: lives and just feeling unfulfilled or potentially even a little
19:21
Speaker 1: bit depressed.
19:22
Speaker 2: Right.
19:23
Speaker 1: So it's really frustrating from the position of the person
19:25
Speaker 1: that loves them, because you feel like, what the fuck
19:27
Speaker 1: I thought that I got through to you, or I'm
19:29
Speaker 1: trying to get through to you and you're choosing to
19:31
Speaker 1: be offended by what I'm saying when I'm actually just
19:34
Speaker 1: trying to help you. So the talks have been done,
19:37
Speaker 1: You've tried your best with the talks.
19:38
Speaker 2: The next thing that you can.
19:39
Speaker 1: Do is now try and inspire them through action. So
19:44
Speaker 1: this is where you're thinking, all right, guys, I've organized
19:48
Speaker 1: this thing for us.
19:49
Speaker 2: We're all, you know, make.
19:50
Speaker 1: Yourselves available at seven pm. We're going to do this
19:53
Speaker 1: fun thing. And you start to show them things that
19:56
Speaker 1: you can do without directly being like, I need to
19:59
Speaker 1: get you you away from your phone, I need to
20:01
Speaker 1: this aren't because at the end of the day, obviously
20:03
Speaker 1: they're not taking that kind of advice. Well, they feel berated,
20:05
Speaker 1: they feel attacked, maybe because they deep down know that
20:09
Speaker 1: that's what they're doing and they don't like that about themselves.
20:12
Speaker 1: But either way, they don't like it and they get
20:14
Speaker 1: the defenses up. So without bringing it up to say
20:16
Speaker 1: I've organized this activity for us, we're going to do this.
20:19
Speaker 1: The more you start to do that, like say, say
20:21
Speaker 1: you do it once and it could be anything. We're
20:23
Speaker 1: all gonna go for a walk on Thursday afternoon, We're
20:25
Speaker 1: all gonna whatever it is, whatever it is, then they're
20:29
Speaker 1: likely going to be like, oh, that was actually a
20:31
Speaker 1: refreshing change, that was actually quite nice to instead of
20:33
Speaker 1: going home straight away, we actually went for a walk
20:34
Speaker 1: and that was quite nice.
20:35
Speaker 2: Okay, great, why don't we do it every fortnight. Why
20:37
Speaker 2: don't we do it every week?
20:38
Speaker 1: These are ways that you can try to inspire change.
20:42
Speaker 1: You can't force change on anyone. The best you can
20:45
Speaker 1: hope for is that they start to absorb what it
20:49
Speaker 1: is that you're doing. They get a taste of it,
20:51
Speaker 1: and they're like, yeah, Wow, I actually feel so much better.
20:54
Speaker 1: I probably got home in a much better mood. And
20:56
Speaker 1: I didn't even need to scroll on my phone when
20:58
Speaker 1: I got home because I felt so good. Like for
21:01
Speaker 1: me personally, the times that I'm really connected and relaxed
21:04
Speaker 1: and feeling good and I'm like hitting all the pillars,
21:06
Speaker 1: I'm barely on my phone, barely on my phone to
21:09
Speaker 1: the extent that it's actually a little bit detrimental for
21:11
Speaker 1: the podcast and for things because I'm not sharing things
21:13
Speaker 1: when I'm supposed to be sharing them and all of
21:14
Speaker 1: that because I'm so you know, a good way like
21:16
Speaker 1: distracted away from the phone.
21:17
Speaker 2: Okay.
21:18
Speaker 1: So you start to teach them that this is possible
21:21
Speaker 1: for them, and they're going to start to hopefully think,
21:24
Speaker 1: ye Okay, I could do this more often, I could
21:26
Speaker 1: try this, I could try that. You just need to
21:28
Speaker 1: get My mom always says, you've got to just all
21:30
Speaker 1: it takes is starting to scratch, and then it's then
21:33
Speaker 1: you're itching, itching so in the sense of like you've
21:36
Speaker 1: just got to get find the start of that string.
21:39
Speaker 1: And then it gets them hopefully interested in joining you
21:43
Speaker 1: for more things, feeling more involved, feeling like they're part of,
21:48
Speaker 1: you know, another group of you know, within the family,
21:50
Speaker 1: but feeling like they're part of something, feeling like they're needed,
21:52
Speaker 1: feeling like they're wanted, and it's really fulfilling, and then
21:55
Speaker 1: they want to be involved more.
21:56
Speaker 2: If you've tried that.
21:58
Speaker 1: And they're like, nah, we don't want to go so, no,
22:00
Speaker 1: we don't want to do this, No, we don't want
22:01
Speaker 1: to do that, then it's really hard, but you've done
22:05
Speaker 1: what you can do.
22:06
Speaker 2: It's not to say stop trying. You can still try
22:08
Speaker 2: maybe once.
22:09
Speaker 1: A month, reach it out, but you can't beat yourself
22:12
Speaker 1: up because at the end of the day, you can't
22:15
Speaker 1: be dragged down by other people. Choosing a lifestyle and
22:19
Speaker 1: it is an active decision, especially if you've spoken to it.
22:22
Speaker 1: And then if you physically tried to invite them out,
22:24
Speaker 1: you've literally led them to water, and if they don't
22:27
Speaker 1: want to drink, you've done what you can do.
22:29
Speaker 2: There's nothing you can do.
22:31
Speaker 1: I want you it's natural to feel upset on their behalf.
22:34
Speaker 1: It is natural to be hurt, but I don't want
22:36
Speaker 1: you to carry any responsibility or guilt around it, because
22:39
Speaker 1: you've got to find a way to be like I know,
22:41
Speaker 1: deep in my heart, I did everything I could do
22:43
Speaker 1: everything I could do, and at this point, it is
22:45
Speaker 1: a choice, and it's really hard, and it's not necessarily
22:49
Speaker 1: like an active choice. A lot of people take it
22:52
Speaker 1: as a passive choice, but you've got to be like,
22:54
Speaker 1: I'm always going to be there for them if they
22:57
Speaker 1: do want to change, but I can't consume my self
23:00
Speaker 1: feeling hurt and upset because they're not having this change. Okay, cool,
23:05
Speaker 1: next question, since hi, alexis your podcast has been my
23:13
Speaker 1: lifeline through so many big life changes in the past
23:15
Speaker 1: few years, and I'm eternally grateful. I'm twenty three and
23:18
Speaker 1: I just started my first corporate job. A little bit
23:20
Speaker 1: of background. I have a degree in information sciences. Though
23:23
Speaker 1: I would not consider myself passionate about technology, I was
23:26
Speaker 1: always very confused about what I wanted to do, especially
23:29
Speaker 1: in college. I changed what I was studying probably twenty times,
23:32
Speaker 1: and seem to end up choosing the logical and safe options.
23:35
Speaker 1: Fast forward today, I'm now working a boring job at
23:38
Speaker 1: a company I do not feel aligns with my values,
23:40
Speaker 1: which I know can be typical for just starting, but
23:43
Speaker 1: I'm scared of getting stuck. I do not even know
23:45
Speaker 1: what my specific passions are to pursue something else, but
23:48
Speaker 1: I do know that I love to learn about nature, sciences,
23:51
Speaker 1: and psychology. I do not particularly care about it, and
23:55
Speaker 1: I want my career to have a positive impact on society.
23:57
Speaker 1: I feel good helping others and the planet, and I
24:00
Speaker 1: could see myself going in so many different career, so
24:04
Speaker 1: many different careers regarding that, but they feel far away
24:06
Speaker 1: and not related to my current background. I'm also in
24:09
Speaker 1: debt from college, so to go back to school when
24:11
Speaker 1: I do not even know what to go back to
24:15
Speaker 1: seems like a bad option. I consider myself intelligent and
24:18
Speaker 1: school has always come easy to me, so it's frustrating
24:21
Speaker 1: not knowing what to focus this energy on as I'm
24:24
Speaker 1: craving to learn more, but I don't know where to
24:26
Speaker 1: focus on how to go about it. Any advice on
24:28
Speaker 1: how to navigate discovering meaningful work at an early stage
24:31
Speaker 1: in my career I would greatly appreciate.
24:33
Speaker 2: Okay, I feel like a lot.
24:34
Speaker 1: Of people are in a similar boat to you, where
24:36
Speaker 1: you know, they've done, they finished their studies, and now
24:38
Speaker 1: they're like, this is absolutely not what I want, and
24:40
Speaker 1: I'm scared that I'll be feeling this way in five
24:42
Speaker 1: ten years. But you also are an adult. You have responsibilities,
24:45
Speaker 1: you've got debt, you've got shit to do. So I'm
24:48
Speaker 1: not going to advise that you quit right now and
24:49
Speaker 1: then un change something else. However, what I will advise
24:52
Speaker 1: and what I want to really remind people off as
24:55
Speaker 1: if you don't already know you guys know this, but
24:57
Speaker 1: I need to really drive this point home. You do
25:00
Speaker 1: not have to go to university to educate yourself on
25:05
Speaker 1: certain topics. You have to go to university for particular qualifications.
25:09
Speaker 1: But a lot of people are like, yeah, but I
25:11
Speaker 1: don't know if I wanted it, and then I'm gonna
25:12
Speaker 1: have to go back and study. You do realize that
25:15
Speaker 1: you could start reading up on psychology, listening to lectures online.
25:20
Speaker 1: Do you have any free lectures that are on psychology?
25:22
Speaker 1: You can start delving deep. And I'm using psychology because
25:25
Speaker 1: you you said that as an example, but on whatever
25:27
Speaker 1: thing that you're like, I think I might be interested.
25:30
Speaker 2: Test yourself.
25:31
Speaker 1: See how serious am I? Because if I'm serious, it
25:34
Speaker 1: means that I'm willing to dedicate my free time, my
25:37
Speaker 1: spare time when I'm not at work to this topic.
25:41
Speaker 1: If you listen to this podcast and my advice today
25:43
Speaker 1: and then it's one month, three month, six months and
25:46
Speaker 1: you've not dedicated any time towards actually studying psychology off
25:49
Speaker 1: your own back where it's self driven, then you're just
25:52
Speaker 1: not that interested. Okay, how bad do you want?
25:55
Speaker 2: Change?
25:55
Speaker 1: Is what you have to ask yourself every single morning,
25:57
Speaker 1: because if you're going to get up and go to
25:59
Speaker 1: bed and get up and just wishful thinking, that just
26:01
Speaker 1: means that you're always thinking that the grass is going
26:02
Speaker 1: to be greiner. On the other side, it's always going
26:04
Speaker 1: to feel like that no matter what career you choose.
26:06
Speaker 1: So my advice is stay what you're doing right now
26:08
Speaker 1: so you don't freak yourself out financially. Then you're going
26:10
Speaker 1: to start to in the afternoons or on the weekends.
26:13
Speaker 1: I want you to dedicate a few hours a week, Okay,
26:17
Speaker 1: delving deep into we're using psychology as an example, but
26:20
Speaker 1: any other career thing that you think could be of interest,
26:22
Speaker 1: and start really learning. Okay, start doing research, start learning,
26:27
Speaker 1: go on ted talk, start delving deep in psychology. And
26:30
Speaker 1: if you find that it's something that you're like, oh,
26:33
Speaker 1: this is like ignited a fire in me. I want
26:35
Speaker 1: to know more and more interested or more interested than
26:37
Speaker 1: keep doing it, Keep doing it, keep doing it, and
26:39
Speaker 1: then you're going.
26:40
Speaker 2: To feel like you have certainty.
26:42
Speaker 1: You're going to feel like you know what I actually
26:44
Speaker 1: know for a fact that psychology is what I want.
26:47
Speaker 1: I can't stop thinking about it. I'm loving what I'm learning.
26:50
Speaker 1: I'm now willing to do a degree for it. I'm
26:52
Speaker 1: now willing to study. And that's when you come up
26:55
Speaker 1: with a game plan. That's where you're like, at what
26:56
Speaker 1: point will this become affordable for me and for some
27:00
Speaker 1: for you? It might be like, I'm going to need
27:02
Speaker 1: to just wait another couple of years. I can still
27:05
Speaker 1: you know, be learning things along the side, but at
27:08
Speaker 1: the end of the day, we still have to be realistic.
27:11
Speaker 2: With our finances, you know. I also, I'm not going
27:13
Speaker 2: to say.
27:13
Speaker 1: Go into debt yet again with another degree. You've got
27:16
Speaker 1: to decide when is the right time. But what I'm
27:17
Speaker 1: saying is regardless of what career option you are choosing.
27:20
Speaker 1: If you're interested in something where you can, you know,
27:24
Speaker 1: have an impact in other people's well being and other
27:26
Speaker 1: people's health, this is something that you need to be
27:29
Speaker 1: dedicating significant amount of time. Most people have no idea
27:33
Speaker 1: what they want to do. The fact that you've got
27:35
Speaker 1: something that is like kind of niggling at you you
27:37
Speaker 1: should look as a great thing. I know it doesn't
27:40
Speaker 1: feel that great right now because you're in a job
27:41
Speaker 1: that you've already spent all this money studying to get there,
27:44
Speaker 1: and it's not great. But trust me, you are already
27:47
Speaker 1: a leg up from a lot of people because you're
27:48
Speaker 1: feeling like you can you know, you can actually dig
27:52
Speaker 1: deep into this topic. So that would be my advice
27:54
Speaker 1: to you, and I can guarantee you right now you've
27:56
Speaker 1: got to You've got to.
27:57
Speaker 2: Ask yourself how bad do I want chain? I do.
28:01
Speaker 2: I ask myself that question all the time.
28:02
Speaker 1: If I ever I'm like, oh, I really need to
28:05
Speaker 1: do this, but then I start procrastinating, I say, Alexi,
28:07
Speaker 1: is how bad do you want change? Because if you're
28:08
Speaker 1: not willing to do this right now, you just don't
28:10
Speaker 1: really value it.
28:12
Speaker 2: That much.
28:13
Speaker 1: And that gets me out of bed straight away, because
28:14
Speaker 1: I'm like, bullshit, this is fucking bullshit, Like what else
28:16
Speaker 1: am I going to do with my time on this earth?
28:18
Speaker 2: The time is now. The fucking time is now.
28:21
Speaker 1: Okay, So if you're gonna if you're actually serious about change,
28:25
Speaker 1: put in the groundwork. Now, use your spare time. When
28:28
Speaker 1: you go for a walk, you're listening to educational podcasts.
28:31
Speaker 1: You're listening to someone interviewing a psychologist.
28:34
Speaker 2: You're listening to that.
28:35
Speaker 1: Do you know how many educational ted talks are as
28:37
Speaker 1: podcasts that you can listen to. You can start educating
28:39
Speaker 1: yourself on that kind of stuff. There are free short
28:42
Speaker 1: courses around psychology that universities offer internationally. It doesn't give
28:46
Speaker 1: you a qualification at all, but it's it's like a
28:49
Speaker 1: like a intro course. You can start doing those, you
28:52
Speaker 1: start learning what you're gonna learn, and you'll either be
28:56
Speaker 1: really inspired or you'll be like, you know what, not
28:58
Speaker 1: for me, which is a blessing because then you didn't
29:01
Speaker 1: have to quit and whatever. And a closed door is
29:03
Speaker 1: a redirection in a good way. Okay, So that would
29:06
Speaker 1: be my advice to you, And yeah, I think that
29:10
Speaker 1: you'll start to feel a lot more empowered. Even if
29:12
Speaker 1: it means that you have to stay in this job
29:13
Speaker 1: for another year, maybe two years, there's nothing wrong with that.
29:17
Speaker 1: And also you could also change into a job that's
29:20
Speaker 1: similar to the psychology sector or similar to a sector
29:23
Speaker 1: where you're helping out. Because a lot of jobs, so
29:26
Speaker 1: many of my friends have careers in things that are
29:30
Speaker 1: completely relevant to their degree.
29:32
Speaker 2: But their degree taught them staying power.
29:34
Speaker 1: It taught them how to stick something out, how to
29:36
Speaker 1: work through something, how to submit things on time, how
29:38
Speaker 1: to whatever. People will still value the fact that you
29:40
Speaker 1: studied something as long as you know your skill set
29:43
Speaker 1: is semi transferable, you'd be surprised at how easily it
29:47
Speaker 1: is transferred.
29:48
Speaker 2: Okay, So I think that's.
29:50
Speaker 1: Really important for you to keep your feelers out there,
29:53
Speaker 1: look at other possible avenues in those industries, even if
29:56
Speaker 1: you're not directly.
29:57
Speaker 2: Doing that job that you want to be doing. Hope
30:00
Speaker 2: that helped.
30:01
Speaker 1: That is hopefully advice that you can take on board
30:05
Speaker 1: and start making some changes right now to feel a
30:07
Speaker 1: little bit more empowered about your future. All right, final coestion,
30:12
Speaker 1: Hi Alex says, I love and I'm impressed by all
30:15
Speaker 1: of your podcast episodes. I've listened to almost every single
30:17
Speaker 1: one of the episodes. I do have one question that
30:19
Speaker 1: I'd like to share that I would like you to
30:21
Speaker 1: share tips and help me go through some past love trauma.
30:25
Speaker 1: I broke up with my boyfriend two years ago. Now,
30:28
Speaker 1: we only dated six months, but the feeling that we
30:30
Speaker 1: had for each other was made it feel like a
30:31
Speaker 1: three year relationship. At first, it felt okay, and I
30:34
Speaker 1: seem to be able to move on, but when time
30:36
Speaker 1: goes by. But as time's gone by, I've missed him
30:40
Speaker 1: very much and I'm stuck with all the old memories.
30:43
Speaker 1: Though I've deleted everything and cut off the contact, it
30:46
Speaker 1: still doesn't help.
30:47
Speaker 2: This trauma repeats and repeats itself.
30:49
Speaker 1: How do I deal with these feelings that I seem
30:52
Speaker 1: to not be able to open up to anyone again.
30:54
Speaker 1: Hopefully you can share some of the good tips and
30:56
Speaker 1: get over this overwhelmed trauma. Okay, I am going to
30:58
Speaker 1: slightly love you. I'm going to call you out. This
31:00
Speaker 1: is not trauma. You need to be very careful about
31:02
Speaker 1: how you label trauma because you've mentioned trauma many many
31:06
Speaker 1: times through this, and a traumatic experience is not where
31:10
Speaker 1: you miss an ex partner and where.
31:12
Speaker 2: You are heartbroken heartbreak.
31:13
Speaker 1: Heartbreak is very painful and it's a very difficult emotional experience,
31:17
Speaker 1: but trauma is not that. And I think if we
31:19
Speaker 1: tell ourselves that we're experiencing trauma when trauma is like
31:22
Speaker 1: a very life altering, impactful event that anyway, I've done
31:27
Speaker 1: a whole episodes of trauma. But anyway, what I am
31:30
Speaker 1: saying to you is, I feel like what you might
31:32
Speaker 1: be going through is a mix between dissatisfaction with where
31:37
Speaker 1: things have headed since the breakup and also a bit
31:40
Speaker 1: of Limerens as well, you said you only dated for
31:43
Speaker 1: six months, it felt like the intensity of a three
31:45
Speaker 1: year relationship after At the beginning it was fine, and
31:50
Speaker 1: then after the fact, you've started feeling like this crazy heartbreak.
31:54
Speaker 1: You can't open up to anyone else again. It's feeling really,
31:56
Speaker 1: really painful. We sometimes when we when things don't go
32:00
Speaker 1: the way we thought it would after a breakup, but
32:02
Speaker 1: we thought we'd move on and things would be different,
32:04
Speaker 1: we find ourselves missing what represented safety and security. And
32:08
Speaker 1: then the issue is that we then romanticize this individual.
32:13
Speaker 1: We make it like, oh my god, maybe they were perfect,
32:17
Speaker 1: Oh my god, maybe we could have had this amazing life,
32:19
Speaker 1: and I can guarantee you, I can guarantee you that
32:22
Speaker 1: so many of the emotions of the feelings that you
32:24
Speaker 1: are feeling, you have added a bit of tax on
32:28
Speaker 1: top of that, a bit of gst in the sense
32:30
Speaker 1: of like you've then imagined what could have been. You've imagined,
32:34
Speaker 1: like you know, a lot of what we miss in
32:36
Speaker 1: a person is the potential of what could have been together.
32:40
Speaker 1: It's not actually the ins and outs of the relationship, okay,
32:44
Speaker 1: because we love to fill in the gaps. The brain
32:48
Speaker 1: loves to fill in the gaps. Okay, So if we
32:50
Speaker 1: tell ourselves, fuck, did we make a mistake?
32:52
Speaker 2: Was this the right person?
32:54
Speaker 1: And if we're not finding any alternative for the right person,
32:57
Speaker 1: then we start saying it must have been the right person.
32:59
Speaker 1: It must have been because had anything like that sense
33:01
Speaker 1: maybe I threw it away too soon, Maybe I should
33:04
Speaker 1: have fought for this thing. Actually they were really good.
33:06
Speaker 1: And then you start to really cherry pick all the
33:10
Speaker 1: good moments you had, cherry picking all the good moments,
33:12
Speaker 1: and you're thinking, see, remember that moment, and remember that
33:14
Speaker 1: time and that date and that din oh my god
33:15
Speaker 1: it was and then you paint the entire relationship with
33:19
Speaker 1: the same brush of just the highlight reel. So what
33:22
Speaker 1: I recommend you do is you take a reality check
33:24
Speaker 1: and you think there was a reason that after we
33:27
Speaker 1: broke up I felt fine. Now I don't feel fine,
33:30
Speaker 1: but initially I felt fine and there was a reason
33:32
Speaker 1: for that. It's because of certain things that weren't working
33:34
Speaker 1: for me, that just didn't feel right. I need you
33:36
Speaker 1: to remind for every good memory you have, I want
33:39
Speaker 1: you to think of three boring or mundane memories about
33:42
Speaker 1: that relationship. You need to give yourself a reality check
33:45
Speaker 1: and think there was a reason why this ended. Okay,
33:49
Speaker 1: there was a reason why it ended, and there was
33:51
Speaker 1: a reason why I was actually okay with that ending initially.
33:54
Speaker 1: I've now gone and psyched myself out and romanticized the
33:58
Speaker 1: past and romanticized what I like, all these add on
34:02
Speaker 1: things that I've imagined for what could have been, and
34:04
Speaker 1: I'm now in love with this imagined idea of what
34:08
Speaker 1: could have been instead of the actual person and the
34:10
Speaker 1: actual relationship. Okay, it's okay to miss someone, but when
34:13
Speaker 1: you go on and on and think, oh my god,
34:15
Speaker 1: why is it getting harder and harder the further I'm
34:17
Speaker 1: getting away from the relationship is because you have romanticized
34:20
Speaker 1: this thing, okay, and you're really struggling to you know,
34:25
Speaker 1: snap out of these emotions that you're reliving again and
34:28
Speaker 1: again and again.
34:29
Speaker 2: In your head.
34:30
Speaker 1: Okay, so you need to try and cancel it any
34:32
Speaker 1: good memory you have. You're like, yeah, but what about
34:34
Speaker 1: that time that they were actually quite boring? What about
34:36
Speaker 1: the time that well I was in the relationship and
34:37
Speaker 1: I thought, oh, is this the be all end all?
34:39
Speaker 1: What about all these examples where I actually wasn't loving
34:43
Speaker 1: it that much? Okay, because there are going to be
34:46
Speaker 1: times like that, and there are going to be times
34:48
Speaker 1: where you can be like, oh, yeah, true, for sure,
34:49
Speaker 1: I'm just glorifying this thing when it doesn't.
34:53
Speaker 2: Really need to be glorified.
34:55
Speaker 1: Separate to that, I actually I've interviewed this person on
34:58
Speaker 1: my podcast before.
34:59
Speaker 2: Her name is Sabrina Zoha.
35:01
Speaker 1: She has a podcast called The Sabrina Zoha Show, and
35:04
Speaker 1: I actually am going to encourage you to go listen
35:06
Speaker 1: to her podcast because she talks a lot about limerens
35:10
Speaker 1: a lot about this like deep struggle to move on
35:14
Speaker 1: from an ex where you like kind of fall in
35:15
Speaker 1: love with that idea of who they were, and why
35:18
Speaker 1: it's really hard to get over the idea.
35:19
Speaker 2: It's harder for a lot of people.
35:21
Speaker 1: It's actually harder to get over the idea of someone
35:24
Speaker 1: than it is.
35:24
Speaker 2: To get over that person.
35:26
Speaker 1: Okay, that's why a lot of people who go through
35:27
Speaker 1: a ten year relationship and then break up actually can
35:30
Speaker 1: move through it with a bit more understanding. And I
35:33
Speaker 1: wouldn't say ease, but they're like, oh, yep, you kin'd
35:35
Speaker 1: if it's more logical, I can work through it than
35:37
Speaker 1: a short relationship, because the ten year relationship, you're like,
35:39
Speaker 1: I knew this person inside out, and as painful as
35:42
Speaker 1: it is, I just know ultimately just wasn't working for
35:44
Speaker 1: them or may or both of us, And as sad
35:46
Speaker 1: as it is, I understand why it's come to an end.
35:49
Speaker 2: Versus six months.
35:50
Speaker 1: You've got all these ideas, you don't know them one
35:52
Speaker 1: hundred percent, Yet six months is still not the longest
35:54
Speaker 1: amount of time to really know someone, And so then
35:56
Speaker 1: you feel like, but.
35:57
Speaker 2: What could have been?
35:58
Speaker 1: But this?
35:58
Speaker 2: But that?
35:58
Speaker 1: And you fall in fill in the gaps with your head.
36:01
Speaker 1: So then it becomes so painful to let go of that.
36:04
Speaker 1: So listen to Sabrina z OHA's Limerens episodes. I think
36:08
Speaker 1: that that will be really really helpful and just shout
36:11
Speaker 1: out to another kind of like mindset podcaster. She's not
36:14
Speaker 1: a therapist, but she's really like spot on with you know,
36:17
Speaker 1: her advice around relationships and stuff, so you know she's great.
36:20
Speaker 1: And listen to the podcast episode that where I interview
36:23
Speaker 1: Sabrina on do your Fucking Mind, because I think this
36:26
Speaker 1: will hopefully make you think, oh, yeah, okay, that's me.
36:30
Speaker 1: That's me, this is what I can do about it,
36:31
Speaker 1: this is what I can.
36:32
Speaker 2: Do all right.
36:33
Speaker 1: So hopefully that helps and hopefully those resources help you
36:35
Speaker 1: as well, because you deserve to be able to like
36:40
Speaker 1: you want to give yourself a chance. You want to
36:42
Speaker 1: be able to be like this is not something that's
36:44
Speaker 1: going to weigh me down forever. It's not something that
36:46
Speaker 1: I'm not going.
36:47
Speaker 2: To be able to get over.
36:48
Speaker 1: You have to be careful with your language as well,
36:51
Speaker 1: like give yourself a chance, give yourself a fighting chance,
36:53
Speaker 1: and don't be catastrophic with your language around it.
36:56
Speaker 2: You've got to look at it as this is.
36:58
Speaker 1: A hurdle that I'm going through, but I will be
37:00
Speaker 1: able to access the tools to be able to move
37:02
Speaker 1: on from this. If you say that you're stuck and
37:04
Speaker 1: you can't get over this overwhelming trauma, then you're going
37:07
Speaker 1: to exacerbate that problem in your head and it's going
37:09
Speaker 1: to feel like something that you're going to keep avoiding
37:11
Speaker 1: and it's going to be a big source.
37:13
Speaker 2: Of emotional pain for you. So I want you.
37:15
Speaker 1: To really dig deep, look into all those episodes and
37:18
Speaker 1: do that little exercise that.
37:19
Speaker 2: I told you. I like canceling app for every good memory.
37:22
Speaker 1: Remind yourself of what bored you about the person at
37:23
Speaker 1: an ike or whatever, and it's going to help like
37:26
Speaker 1: even the playing field where you have a little.
37:28
Speaker 2: Bit more power. Hopefully that helped.
37:30
Speaker 1: Guys, Thank you so much for sending in your questions.
37:33
Speaker 2: I really really appreciate it.
37:35
Speaker 1: Again, if you do want to email your questions through,
37:37
Speaker 1: just email info at dayfmpod dot com and I will
37:42
Speaker 1: aim to get through as many as possible. As always,
37:45
Speaker 1: remember becind to yourself, becunt to your brain, don't take
37:48
Speaker 1: shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself.
37:51
Speaker 1: Don't it and don't forget to download the Hotel mindset app.
37:55
Speaker 2: Love you guys so much.
37:56
Speaker 1: Both