Latest / The Action Catalyst / REMASTERED: Managing Stress, Guilt and Overwhelm, with Carrie Wilkerson (Executive, Opportunity, Consulting, Business)

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REMASTERED: Managing Stress, Guilt and Overwhelm, with Carrie Wilkerson (Executive, Opportunity, Consulting, Business) · The Action Catalyst

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Host: Carrie Wilkerson, in the last several years or few years,
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she has become, you know, just one of the world's I think most
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popular thought leaders. I mean, she's a social media celebrity.
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She's been on CNN and Fox News and just a whole bunch of really
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awesome stuff. And she's the author of a book that is called
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the Barefoot Executive. And so, Carrie, welcome to the show.
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Carrie Wilkerson: Thanks for having me. I appreciate it.
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Host: So can you tell me your story a little bit like how you
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got started, and how you ended up where you are now?
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Carrie Wilkerson: Yeah, it's a long story. But the fact is,
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when I was in seventh grade, I had a teacher who was in Zig
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Ziglar, Sunday school class, believe it or not. And so she
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studied with him every week, he created a junior high
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curriculum, because that's when self esteem can be changed in
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kids. But it's typically solidified in kids. And he
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created a self esteem curriculum for junior High's it was not
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widely, widely adopted. So he was beta testing it with a few
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people in his Sunday school class. And I was blessed enough
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to be introduced to Zig Ziglar, the concept of stinking thinking
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and goal setting and creating your own life by what you think
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and changing your results by changing your mind. And that was
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seventh grade. So I remember that very distinctly. And then
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of course, I went through high school, I always was a little
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more positive than the average bear, I'd say. But then went to
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college after college started in my typical track, right, did
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some government work, did some corporate work taught in the
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education system, and then adopted two kids that changed my
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life literally overnight. And I said, I'm a smart girl, I have a
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lot of qualifications. I have these two kids that I've chosen
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to parent and I've chosen to bring into my house, they've had
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a rough start, I need to be here with them. However, there has
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got to be a way to make some money at home. And I started
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studying sales and guess whose name pops up again, Zig Ziglar,
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Zig Ziglar started studying leadership with John Maxwell. I
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started a Mary Kay career, which I was in Mary Kay sales for
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three years. And then I created a publishing company which
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served Mary Kay people on the leadership level, owned that for
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10 years before I sold it so that I could pursue the Barefoot
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executive. And I would say the way I know people and the way I
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get connected is very intentionally have a list of
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things to accomplish in a certain amount of time, I have a
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list of people I choose to intentionally have in my circle.
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And then because we know how the brain works, that the brain
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seeks to solve problems that you give it when we think negatively
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or think, Oh, that'll never happen, or I'll never meet them,
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then your brain doesn't look for reasons to make it happen. And
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so it believes you. But when you say I'm going to at some point
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work with Zig Ziglar, speak on stage with Zig Ziglar be
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endorsed by Dave Ramsey, you know, be noticed by John
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Maxwell, your brain goes to work to solve those things. And then
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when you physically and emotionally invest in
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opportunities to do so that's when you become lucky. And I use
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lucky sarcastically because I don't think anything I ever have
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done is lucky. But I've been very intentional. So that's how
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I got in those circles. I was published by Thomas Nelson who
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publishes those guys. So they became aware of my work. And now
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I was on Dave Ramsey's entre leadership show, he's endorsed
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my book, and we have a lot of the same mutual friends, which
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leads to other mutual friends. But that's how that happens. So
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I have intentional goals about places to speak, and companies
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to speak for and companies to work with sales forces, and then
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your mind goes to work, you know, in effective ways to make
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that happen.
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Host: So let's talk a little bit about productivity. What do you
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think are some of the mistakes that people are making when it
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comes to making the most out of their time every day?
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Carrie Wilkerson: That's a great question. I think we are too
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available. Bottom line is we are too available. Our ego insists
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that we be available at the touch of a text or Facebook or
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phone call or email. And we don't guard our time and energy
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and space as well as we would if we had a physical office with a
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door on it. We take the office home with us. And for some of us
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that's necessary at certain times. For some of us, we've
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sold ourselves the lie that that makes us more flexible. And
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that's certainly true. I have four kids. And so sometimes at
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the playground, you know, I'm one of the moms probably that
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people try to shame on Facebook, like there was a mom that had
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her kids at the playground and she was staring at her phone the
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whole time. Well, that may be because I'm homeschooling my
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kids three days a week and so we took a break and they know that
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because I've been so available to them all morning, that that's
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my like one hour that I'm going to need to answer emails and let
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them run off some energy so we can go back and get back to it,
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you know, so sometimes it does Let me be more flexible. But a
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lot of times we just feel like we have to be responding to the
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urgent because nobody can handle it like us. But unless you're in
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an Oregon Business, a transplant business, a blood supply
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business, most of us are not in a life urgent situation thing
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where we can't step away from availability for two or three
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hours. But what we're seeing in brain research is that
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availability and electron connection, so internet
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connectivity, phone connectivity, actually functions
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with many humans, much like a hit of an addictive substance.
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So we literally have addicted our self to where we have shakes
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and tremors, or shortness of breath, when we are not, like
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have you if you've lost your phone around your house and then
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had a panic attack because of that, that you might have a
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problem, right? So I think that that's part of it, we we are not
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guarding our availability, we are not turning selves off. And
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I'm not preaching and saying you're not available enough for
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your kids, or you're not available. And you know, I'm not
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saying there's any magical balance, I'm saying we have to
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get over ourselves a little bit and step away, and put up a few
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more boundaries to protect our health or wellness, our energy,
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our capacity.
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Host: There's two sides. One is the ego of like, I need to be
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available for people they need me right now, I'm more important
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if I'm more available. But the other part that you brought up
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that I don't think we talked as much about is, is kind of that
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guilt of like, you know, oh, you're a workaholic or you're
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never available. So how do you resolve that?
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Carrie Wilkerson: Well, first of all, you that you got to not
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care as much people that are putting that in their own
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context, or projecting their own thoughts onto that, that can't
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be my problem, that can't be my business. One thing I love to
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say about balance, and success, just in general, is is in the
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eye of the beholder, meaning me, I get to define what balance
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looks like, for me, my balance is going to look different than
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your balance, I have four kids ranging from age nine to 21. One
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with special needs. We do a combination of private school,
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college, homeschool, and public school, we're involved in
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theater arts and tumbling, and very active in our church life
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and immediate family, etc, etc. So mine is going to look
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different than yours. And that's okay, we've got to quit
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expecting everyone to fit into a formula and judging them. If
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they don't, we've got to worry more about the business and our
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own life than everybody else's business. And that is for stop
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worrying about them judging, but then it also means we've got to
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stop comparing comparison will steal your joy, it's suicide on
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the installment plan, it will defeat you every time, it will
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either defeat you or give you false pride. Period. So we've
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got to stop comparing where to stop looking at that woman on
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the playground and going well, at least I'm not checking my
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phone or playing Candy Crush while I'm on the playground. And
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then giving myself false pride because I'm more present and
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attentive. When the truth is, that woman might be working 50
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hours a week away from home. And that's the only time she has and
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that's great. This other woman might be with her kids 24/7. And
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this is her only break. So we just have to stop the comparison
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and the judging. And we have to have the conversation with our
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kids that conversation with our spouse, our business partner,
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our co workers and say, what works for us what looks like
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peace and balance and joy for us. What helps me bring value
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into the world with our clients, co workers, Team employers, what
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does that look like? And then you have to be okay being
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judged. You know, I mean, if I was worried about being judged,
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I wouldn't be online, I wouldn't have pictures or videos or posts
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online. Because I know, I get so many private messages and texts
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and emails, that I can only imagine what the people are not
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saying because there are enough of them that are bold enough to
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say it. Right? We've just got to stop especially women to be to
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be fair, we're judged even more than the men. And that's not a
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martyr statement. It just is what it is statement. So we have
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to quit worrying about what the woman at the playground thinks
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that if she does make a comment, you can respond with grace, and
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say, This is what works for our family. Thank you for being
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concerned. I can see them and we have to be okay with that. We
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have to quit defending. We have to just go thank you for your
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feedback. We do what works for us. And there's one more point
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that goes with that a lot of us are not doing something because
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we're afraid of the invisible audience. So the invisible
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audience is a concept that starts when we're preteens. So
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for instance, my nine year old could care less what other
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people think about how she dresses or what she does or what
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she eats or what she says she's in this really great state of
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that once you hit like 11 And there's this invisible audience
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of everybody will be laughing at me, Mom, don't kiss me in front
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of my friends, what will they say it's the invisible day. It's
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the everybody it's the everybody says When really, it was one kid
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that made some kind of snarky comment that may or may not even
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have been taken out of context. Well with social media and with
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our own self imposed narcissism and worry and fear of judgment
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because of how judgmental we are of everyone else. This is now
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carrying into adulthood, we I think we used to outgrow this,
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but now we carry around this invisible audience with us
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everywhere. And I think for a lot of us, it is sabotaging
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great work we can do or bold moves we can make or big asks,
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we can ask or creativity that we can express because we are pre
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judging, right? Those of us that have been in sales, or in
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ministry, we get that like, Oh, they're not going to be open to
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that, or they're not going to whatever we prejudge, so we're
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familiar on those terms. But we're like, Oh, nobody would
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like it, if I did that, or what would they say if I cut my hair
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that way or, and so we're not doing this big work or playing
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full out because we're so afraid of they have them. And so it
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kind of works both ways. Number one, we have to be okay with the
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fact that they're judging when we are making some moves. But we
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also have to not be afraid to take those steps to speak up at
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the meeting at work to where the different color than you
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normally do or go to lunch with somebody that you see being
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shunned or whatever that is, I think many of us are depriving
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ourselves of our gifting of our unique ability to serve because
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we're preemptively we're preemptively stopping that
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judgment that may or may not even exist, the fear is because
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you've heard the one voice or the one person that raised their
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eyebrow or gallery that your fear. And we used to outgrow it
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because we hung out with adults. But now we're online and people
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are so brave to be trolls and to be ugly and to to speak up that
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one negative book review out of 300 can sink you for days, like
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it invalidates all your work, you question yourself, I've got
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a one star that's so invalid and so rude and ugly. But that now I
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have to laugh at it because everybody else is four and five
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stars. But we obsess about the one and then it becomes the like
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the old pest control commercial. If there's one that you see,
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there are 1000s that you don't see. Well, the fact is, that's
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the same way about positive people, the one that's
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outspoken, there are probably 5000 that are not telling you
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how great you are, how valid you are, or how, you know XYZ you
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are. But we tend to magnify the and magnify the invisible
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audience of the critics, because of the one person that was that
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had that that toxicity that did speak up. So as a result before
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we hit publish your post or submit, we have that fear and we
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let them keep our good work from the world. And that's tragic.
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That's really, really tragic. You know, I don't remember the
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exact movie, but it was Bruce Willis. And he said quick,
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somebody called the way ambulance when you phrase it
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that way when somebody hurt my feelings. So I'm going to
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deprive other people of the gospel, or I'm going to deprive
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other people of this empowerment or these practical steps. What
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if somebody was afraid of being criticized because they found
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the key to cancer. And so they didn't speak up because of the
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critics and because of Big Pharma and because of the
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backlash. And so as a result, we had people still dying. I mean,
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that is it's a selfish act. We have been gifted. You know, it's
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the talent story. I told my best friend recently, I said, who if
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I never figured you for a digger. He said, What? I said,
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You're a digger. You're digging and hiding that talent. That's a
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shame. Hate to hear that, that surprises me. And that's all I
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had to say. Because he's familiar with the story, right?
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We can either multiply the talents, we can at least invest
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them and get a small return on the investment, or we can dig
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and hide and bury them, which does not behoove the master.
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Host: Carrie, this is so insightful. And I think there's
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some real deep rooted psychology that we're talking about here
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that really affects people. I have one random off the wall
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question that I want to ask you. Those are my favorite as we were
14:20
wrapping up. But before we do that, where can people go to get
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a copy of the Barefoot Executive, read more about you,
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etc, etc.
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Carrie Wilkerson: Yeah, so Amazon has my book, the audio
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version is actually an award winner. So if you'd like to, you
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know, Southern drawl, I do read it, but you can find it at any
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major online bookseller. It's also available in Kindle. My
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site is Carrie wilkerson.com I spoke carry the way Stephen King
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spelled it way back in the day the bloody prom queen. I'm there
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too.
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Host: All right. So here's my last question. This is my random
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question. What is something that you have changed your mind on
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recently? In other words, you had A definitive opinion about
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something, and then something happened to you and you no
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longer feel the way that you used to feel about whatever that
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thing was.
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Carrie Wilkerson: Hmm, that's a tough question. Because I
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probably would have said a couple of years ago that people
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don't really change their mind. But I do believe that the core
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of all personal development is just a matter of changing your
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mind. So, and this will sound very narcissistic, and selfish,
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but it is what it is. And I think everybody listening can
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relate to that. I have just recently changed my mind and
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decided that I'm beautiful. How's that? And I know that
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sounds weird. people that really know my story, know that I've
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lost a ton of weight. When I was in junior high. I remember a
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day, and I have a great family. I adore my family have all
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brothers. I asked my mom, Mom, do you think I'm pretty? I was
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getting out of the car to go into school? Do you think I'm
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pretty? And she said, Oh my goodness, I wouldn't give birth
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to a Warthog. Now get out and go to go into class. Well, that's
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not what I needed to hear. I needed to know that I was
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attractive, I needed to know, every preteen girl needs to know
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that she's got some features that are beautiful, or at least
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that she can work with them. And so, so my whole life, I've kind
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of functioned on the basis of Well, I'm not a warthog, so
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there's that. Right. So with that just recently, you know,
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after losing weight, and then learning how to work with some
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tools like 120 pounds 140. Now Yeah, I now have lost more than
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I am. Yeah. And I just had a photo shoot last week. And I'm
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looking at those photos. And I'm like, wow, they did so good.
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Look how pretty I look at and the feedback I'm getting is no
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carry that really is you that really is you you are that
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person. It's not just that you're not a warthog, you are
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that person. But let me give you another example. My daughter,
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she's a musical theater actress. She's pretty amazing. And she
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wants to be on Broadway. And she's always told herself, she
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was not an athlete. She was an artist, not an athlete. She's an
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artist, but she just changed schools. And she decided that
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being on the cheer team would put her in a leadership position
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would help her be more visible to new people, and would get her
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involved in a deeper level. She didn't just want to be in the
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crowd and trying to break her weight yet. And so she made a
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choice to be on the cheer team. She has changed her mind. It's
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been phenomenal to watch. Within the last two weeks, she has
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changed her mind that Yes, she is an athlete, she has started
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working out, she started eating differently. She started
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carrying herself differently. You know, her energy is
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different. It's been really phenomenal to watch someone
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change their core belief. And now she'll say she's an artist
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and an athlete. And so those are two examples. But I think we
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have to sometimes this is an old improv actor trick, but you
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sometimes have to believe as if before it can ever happen. So
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the Bible says As a Man Thinketh right as a man thinketh in his
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heart, so is he. And that's the core of all what people call
18:00
positive thinking. We have to believe it in order to fulfill
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it. Because if we don't believe it, it can never be fulfilled.
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And even if it is fulfilled, we cannot embrace it. And we
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sabotage it. Think of lottery winners and people that lose and
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regain and lose and regain weight or that divorce and they
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go through that same pattern over and over with the same kind
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of relationships, we have to believe at first, changing your
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mind about who you are or who you are, or what you can do or
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what you can't do or what you do deserve or don't deserve. That's
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the core of all personal development that leads to any
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kind of greatness in my opinion.
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Host: I love that that is such a powerful thing.
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Carrie Wilkerson: The difference it's made to how my girls
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believe about themselves has been really eye opening to me, I
18:44
really am kind of grieving all those years of me being so
18:48
critical of myself and selfish about what I was modeling. So
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you know, and it's also never too late. That's another thing
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everybody needs to know it's never too late. You can change
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your mind about who you are and who you can be even now.
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Host: Well, we wish you the best Carrie Wilkerson, thank you so much.
19:05
Carrie Wilkerson: Thanks!