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Love at Midlife: Breaking the Attachment Cycle · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Welcome to the Diva Details, where bold,
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confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention,
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we keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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No filters, no limits, just fearless
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conversations to help you thrive. Let's dive in with
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Diva Mia.
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Well, hello, this is Diva Mia. And today we're going to talk a little bit
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about attachment styles. I think as more and more people date,
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attachment styles are becoming a bigger and bigger influence in
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who you want to date. And there's a strange thing that happens when we're dating
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in midlife. We tell ourselves that we're wiser now, that when
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we get into relationships, we know how to handle them because
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we've got experience. You may have experience from dating before,
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you were married. We think we know what we want, but do we really?
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We know that we won't tolerate certain things again, but what happens when
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somebody does something different? How much do you have a boundary for and how much
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do you tolerate? You may have survived a divorce, difficult marriage,
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betrayal, heartbreak in the past, raising children,
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career changes, and enough life experiences to believe we should
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be able to recognize a bad relationship when it walks through the door, but I'm
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here to tell you sometimes you don't and yet sometimes we find ourselves
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attracted to the same exact same emotional patterns. It's just
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wearing a different face. Sometimes a different person, different career, different background,
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but it's a similar relationship. Have you had a partner that cheated
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in the past and now you're finding yourself in the same situation with
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another partner that's cheating? Sometimes you keep choosing people who
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initially seem incredibly interested and then suddenly become distant. That's a
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possibility. It's called an avoidant. Maybe you become instantly
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attached to someone the moment they start pulling away because you
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like to chase them. Maybe you're attracted to people who need rescuing.
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Maybe you— everything is wonderful until the relationship starts
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to get serious and suddenly you're the one looking to exit.
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So what type of attachment style do you have? Or maybe you keep
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finding yourself in relationships that are incredibly passionate but emotionally
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exhausting and you feel drained. Or are you diminishing yourself just
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to keep the peace in order to keep the relationship going? If any of that
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sounds familiar, attachment theory can help explain why. Now, when we're going to talk about
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attachment style, Don't pigeonhole people into just one attachment style. They may
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lean to a specific way, but unless they're diagnosed by someone that says,
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this is your attachment style, you may find that they have different attachments in
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different situations. So today we're going to talk about attachment style in
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midlife, why, why certain attachment styles are drawn to one another as
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well. So you may be drawn to a specific type of person and
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also which combination tends to create the most destructive relationship.
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And most importantly, how you can break the pattern and hopefully find a relationship
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that's not destructive for you. Because attachment can explain your
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behavior and the reason why you're behaving a certain way. It should never become an
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excuse for your behavior though. We have our own integrity. We have our own morals,
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values, and standards. And if you're using attachment as an
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excuse for the reason you're cheating or the reason why you're getting distant,
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it's a choice. You get to choose. No one's forcing you into
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it. Although it does talk about how you may lean it's not a
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requirement that you lean that way. So attachment theory begins with the work
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of a psychiatrist named John Bowlby, and it was expanded through his
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research with Mary Ainsworth and others. And it simply states
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that attachment describes how we respond to emotional
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closeness, how we respond to separation, security,
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and perceived rejection. And our earliest relationships can
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influence these patterns, but childhood is not the whole story.
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Adult relationships matter too. You may have been a certain way in
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your childhood, but then you've gone through multiple betrayals
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and your attachment style changes. Divorce can definitely affect attachment style
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and betrayal is a huge indicator
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of attachment style. When they get betrayed on, they may pull away the
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next time something gets serious. There's also abandonment that can also affect
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attachment. If you had a parent that abandoned you, if you had a partner that
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abandoned you, emotional abusive relationships can also affect
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attachment. So it's not something you're born with, that it gets affected by what
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happens to us while we grow. Years of being with a stable trustworthy
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person can influence us in the opposite way too. This is important
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because sometimes people think attachment isn't necessarily a permanent personality
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sentence. So sometimes you have an attachment style, but you are with a secure person,
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so you can become secure, okay? You can change.
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Adult attachment is usually discussed using 4 general styles,
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okay? So we have secure. This is what we all hope for. If you're
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with a secure person, they're loving, they're giving, they're responsible,
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responsive to you. They talk to you, they ask questions,
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they express their feelings. Then there's the anxious preoccupied and
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the anxious or the preoccupied is someone that is anxious
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whenever you don't text back right away, or maybe they're
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distant, but then they get anxious if you're not doing things on their term.
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And then there's the dismissive avoidant. Dismissive avoidants are tough
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because as you get closer, they start to pull away. As you love them more,
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they decide they don't want to be in the relationship and they kind of shut
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down. And then there's the fearful avoidant,
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which is also sometimes called the disorganized attachment because
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sometimes they're avoidant and sometimes they're fearful and a little bit anxious
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trying to get to you. So most of us aren't, we're not talking about walking
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around as a perfect textbook. You may recognize yourself strongly
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in one category while occasionally you're going to display characteristics
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of another. You may slip into another. So don't pigeonhole people just into one because
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they can be multiple different types of attachment. And your behavior can
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change depending on the relationship. So if you're a fearful
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avoidant and you're with a secure person, it may make you feel more secure.
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It may make you feel more comfortable. You might feel perfectly secure
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with a consistent partner and suddenly discover an anxious
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side of yourself when dating someone that's more unpredictable.
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So you may get anxious when you're with a dismissive avoidant
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and you don't know why. And the distinction matters because sometimes
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what feels like an attachment problem is actually a perfectly reasonable reaction to
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an unhealthy relationship. So sometimes we don't, we think, oh my gosh,
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am I anxious about this relationship? Or is there something bad going
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on that my body's telling me, or my instincts are telling me something bad has
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happened? So don't read too much into it as it being an attachment,
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because it may just be that the relationship is faltering. So let's start
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with the easy one, the secure attachment style. This is where securely attached people,
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they're generally comfortable with both intimacy and independence.
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They tend to be more of an independent type of personality. And they're very
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comfortable with their intimacy. They're very comfortable with who they are sexually.
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They may be very comfortable with who they are emotionally, and they can love
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you without consuming you. They give you love. It doesn't feel overwhelming.
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They give you love, but they also know when to pull back. They can disagree
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with you without threatening the relationship. So there's, it's not like a fight.
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It's a nice, comfortable conversation. They don't usually need constant
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reassurance that you still care about them, but they also aren't afraid
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to ask for reassurance when they need it. So they're very communicative.
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A secure person can say something bothered me, can we talk?
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And they'll have a discussion. So this is a great type
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of person to be in a relationship with because it's going to be a nice,
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honest partnership. They're going to tell you the truth. They're going to explain how they
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feel. They want to listen to your feelings. It's a relationship
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style that it's hard to find, but when you do, if you're, if you
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can handle the relationship, it leads to more communication and
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a deeper, more fulfilling relationship. And secure doesn't mean it's perfect.
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Secure people still get jealous. They get scared and angry sometimes.
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And they can even feel hurt by the things that you do. The difference is
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what they do next. They tend to communicate. They wanna repair things.
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They wanna regulate themselves and return to that secure connection.
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They usually, if something happens, they usually don't get hostile.
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They usually talk it out and they're more willing to express their feelings
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and emotions. And here's something people keep coming back to out of the
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chaotic relationship. Sometimes secure love can initially
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feel almost boring. So some people get bored
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with people that have a secure attachment because there's not an emotional
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emergency every Tuesday. Someone is not going crazy. They're not flipping out.
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They'll make you feel safe, but sometimes people, when they
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feel safe, they get bored and nobody's disappearing for 3 days. When you text them,
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they text you back. When you call them, they call you back or they answer.
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You don't have to analyze whether a period at the end of a text message
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meant something in this type of relationship. And if you do overanalyze it,
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then that says something more about you because they tend to be
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very comfortable in who they are and they're very secure. This is an enormous dopamine
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rush when the person finally gives you affection again,
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because when someone's giving you avoidant type of personality,
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they're holding back in the first place. And some people are addicted to the chaos
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and you don't get that from a secure person. Peace can be
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unfamiliar to people that are addicted to the constant chaos.
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And when it's unfamiliar, they get bored with it because it's very steady and
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your nervous system may have in the past learned to associate uncertainty
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with attraction, like you needed the chaos,
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especially if you were in a narcissistic relationship. If you
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were in a relationship where they gaslit you a lot, they cheated on
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you, those types of things that can create unease
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and you may still be addicted to it if you haven't properly healed.
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It doesn't mean that there's no chemistry. It means that the chemistry and chaos
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are not the same thing. And some people actually miss the chaos when they're
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dating a secure person. The next type, That's why it's really best
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if you have a secure person to be in a secure relationship with another secure
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person. The anxious attachment style, someone with an anxious attachment
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style generally wants intimacy but fears losing it. So they're
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going to be anxious and they can be highly sensitive to changes in the partner's
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behavior. So if their partner gives a short text or a
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delayed response, or maybe comes back with a different tune,
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are they giving you less affection or are you freaking out about them giving you
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less affection? This can be a change in just a routine. Maybe they didn't have
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the time. Sometimes another person might barely notice something
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that can trigger you in a much larger internal response.
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You might say, oops, something's gotta be wrong. They only gave me a one-word
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response. What happened? And that can lead to what psychologists sometimes
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call protest behaviors like repeated texting. Why aren't
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you responding? Hello? Did you hear me? Did you get me? Or they,
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they see that you liked one of their things and then you didn't respond back
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or make a comment and they get upset about it. This is an anxious attachment
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style. You're constantly seeking reassurance. You're constantly
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checking social media. You're testing the relationship
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in ways that it shouldn't really be tested. And you're often becoming jealous
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over just little stuff. And sometimes this is
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more of a chaotic attachment style. Sometimes they'll start an argument just
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to get reassurance that everything's okay. Sometimes they're trying harder
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when the other person withdraws. And the underlying fear is
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often, please don't leave me. They're very scared of losing
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someone and they tend to like be very clingy. Not want to
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leave. So when you go through a breakup with an anxious attachment style,
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they tend to hang on. And the tragedy is that some of the behaviors used
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to prevent abandonment can actually create more distance, because if you're so
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clingy and you're constantly clinging to the other person, this type of
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attachment style can push the other person away. The next is the dismissive
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avoidant attachment style. Now, if you were ever with a narcissist,
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a lot of people that were with narcissists come to an avoidant attachment
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style after a narcissist. The dismissive avoidant pattern tends to move in
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the opposite direction. Instead of fearing distance, this person may become
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uncomfortable with too much emotional dependence or intimacy. So if you're
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a secure attachment and you're giving a dismissive avoidant
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love, they may pull back. They may value their independence higher
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than the love. They may minimize their emotional needs
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and struggle with being vulnerable. If you're dealing
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with a dismissive avoidant, when you try to have a discussion with them, they don't
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want to talk. They kind of go into a shell and when conflict becomes emotionally
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intense, Their instincts may be to withdraw rather than move closer
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to you. And they may stop communicating. They may go quiet. They may ghost you.
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And sometimes they may need significant space and you may need to give
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it to them. They're very difficult because the more love you give,
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the more they wanna pull back. And so if you're talking about getting married,
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they may be the ones that are the runaway brides or the runaway husbands,
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because becoming emotionally unavailable, they intellectualize the
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feeling instead of experiencing them, or they convince themselves that don't
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really, they don't really need the relationship. And a lot of times these are
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the people that really like long-distance relationships because their underlying message
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is often something closer to, I can take care of myself. I don't need
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anyone. I don't need you and I'm good. And they have internalized
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this to the point that this— it's an important distinction is that
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their independence itself, it isn't— it's avoidance
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and having boundaries they think is not avoidance
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and wanting time alone isn't avoidance. So they've internalized it so much that
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they think that this is normalized. The issue is whether emotional
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closeness repeatedly causes someone to disconnect or suppress their feelings
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or abandon communication. And sometimes they push the other
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person to connect just so they can pull back.
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So you have to be careful with dismissive avoidance because it's a little tricky
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to get their personality style. And then there's the fearful avoidant
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attachment style. And this is sometimes considered more of a chaotic attachment
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style. Sometimes they're very loving. Sometimes they pull back. It is
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the most complicated pattern and it's called the fearful
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avoidant. Its attachment combines characters of both anxiety and avoidance.
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So the person wants intimacy. They may be very emotional. They may cry.
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They may, the intimacy may also scare them. So it may be that
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sometimes when you get very serious, it scares them. And it may
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be that they were cheated on in the past that they've had in their relationships.
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They haven't gone very well. And so they become desperately wanting to connect
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and then become uncomfortable when they actually get to connect. So you can
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get in a relationship that looks like, come here, I love you, don't leave me.
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This feels too close. Go away. Go away. Why did you leave? Come back.
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And that push-pull pattern, it can be very frustrating. It kind
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of goes from a hot-cold type of pattern and the push-pull pattern, it becomes
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extremely intense for both people. Someone with fearful avoidant tendencies
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may be incredibly loving during periods of a connection and surprisingly
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distanced during periods of fear. And you don't know why. And it's,
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it's It's aggravating. I was actually in a relationship with a fearful avoidant,
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or at least I think he was a fearful avoidant. And the inconsistency can create
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powerful emotional attachments in the other person. And they
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may be really strong and in love with you, but at the same time,
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try to pull away. This is why you see a lot of men
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or women that get online and they, they're still dating while they're dating you,
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or they're still checking out other women, or they're still— because
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they're a fearful avoidant. They wanna be close, but they also don't wanna give
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up their online addiction. It brings us to one
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of the biggest misconceptions. Intensity doesn't necessarily equal
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intimacy. Sometimes intensity is simply instability
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because a fearful avoidant is an instability type of attachment style.
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If you are jading one of them, it even can run its
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course with a secure attachment. It can be aggravating. And you see, because a
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lot of people, when you go through breakups, and divorces,
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and if you were betrayed, you really need to work it out with therapy.
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It's not just a, ooh, you went to therapy 2 or 3 times. It's a
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process that you need to go through. You need to journal, you need to work
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it out, you need to go to therapy. The thing is, is a lot of
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people won't go. Then they end up getting into good relationships and they ruin the
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good relationships because they didn't work out their issues and they're still broken.
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They've still got issues. They've got problems. So which attachment
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styles work best together? Not surprising, secure secure relationship, it tends
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to be the easiest combination. So if you're a secure person and
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you don't want to go crazy, you don't want to be in a relationship where
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there's a lot of drama, it's best to be in a secure-secure relationship.
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It's very even-keeled. It may be a little boring, but both people
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generally tolerate intimacy and independence and are more likely to communicate and
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repair conflict. It's a great place to be. And you could be with a
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person that has a secure relationship around communication,
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but they're a fearful avoidant when it comes to intimacy or when
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it comes to talking about forever plans, those types of things,
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or they're, they could also have anxiety around it.
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So secure people can also pair successfully with anxious
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or avoidant partners, particularly when the insecure partner
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recognizes their patterns and actively works on them. So if you're,
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if you're a secure attachment and you're with an insecure person that's got
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a fearful avoidant or an anxious partner, they need to
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be to work on their issues and not go outside of the relationship.
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They have to work on their issues with the person that has the secure attachment.
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There's got to be lots of communication and they may also need
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therapy at the same time if they're not willing to work it out with their
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partner. But this needs to be a huge disclaimer. A secure
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person is, is a partner, not a rehabilitation program.
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So if you're getting into a relationship with a secure partner and you know you
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have attachment issues, you know, you're insecure, you know, you have issues around certain things.
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It's not your partner's job to rehabilitate you. That's why
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I say you need therapy. When you've gone through things that have changed the way
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you attach to people, you need therapy. Nobody should be expected to absorb
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mistreatment because someone's childhood explains why they behave badly,
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or someone went through a lot of bad relationships and so now they take it
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out on, on the secure partner. Attachment explains patterns, but it doesn't
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excuse lying, manipulation, cruelty, infidelity,
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controlling behaviors, emotional abuse, or repeated boundary violations.
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That's on the person that's insecure. So when they do those things,
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it's up to the secure partner to put their foot down or
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to move on. Because when you're in a secure relationship, if someone's completely
18:31
violating your boundaries or they're betraying you, it will lead
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to damage of the secure person and you don't want that. So remember,
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if you're going into a relationship and you haven't healed, Maybe you need to take
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the time to heal or you're going to keep blowing up your own relationships.
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The famous anxious avoidant trap is one of the most
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familiar difficult pairings in— it's an anxious plus an avoidant
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and ironically these 2 can feel enormously attracted to each other because
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the anxious partner is constantly seeking closeness. The avoidant partner
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experiences the closeness and pressure and withdraws, which makes the withdrawal
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even more exciting for the anxious partner and it frightens the anxious partner, so the
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anxious partner pushes harder, which makes the avoidant partner withdraw
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further. Now both people are accidentally triggering each other and
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the other person fears what the other person feels most. They just keep triggering each
19:23
other. And then once the fear of abandonment kicks in, the other
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fears engulfed in loss of autonomy. So one chases,
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one runs, and then it switches. Then occasionally the avoidant person
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reconnects and suddenly everything feels amazing again
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for the anxious person. And that relief can be mistaken
19:41
for extraordinary love. It can You see it when there's a lot of chaos
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in a relationship, but you see it when there's so much passion,
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but at the same time, it's so dramatic and chaotic,
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but psychology, sometimes they think something
19:57
else may be happening. It's the unpredictability itself that can strengthen this
20:00
attachment. They like the fact that there's always something new.
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It's chaos to both of them, but it's always new.
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So they don't get bored. And some people like the dopamine hit of
20:11
not getting bored, not having the same old thing. And so hot and
20:15
cold relationships can become very addictive.
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And think about a slot machine. If you pulled the lever and
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lost every single time, eventually you would stop playing. But if you won every single
20:25
time, then you wouldn't be much in suspense. You'd just be expecting it.
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But unpredictability, reward, keep pulling the lever
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and every once in a while you win. Relationships can sometimes
20:35
create a similar psychology, psychological pattern through intermittent
20:40
reinforcement. So that's why the avoidant and the anxious Sometimes
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it's a really passionate relationship because they like the constant
20:49
on and off. They might be bored with a secure relationship.
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Affection, withdrawal, affection, silence, amazing weekend,
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cold Monday. I've never felt this way about anyone. And then the distance and
21:00
then the reconciliation and then the fight and the fights are a lot.
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And then your brain starts waiting for the next emotional reward. That doesn't
21:08
mean every inconsistent relationship is intentionally manipulative,
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but sometimes 2 people are simply reenacting their own unresolved
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attachment patterns. Sometimes it starts in childhood, sometimes it was created
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from past relationships, but the effect can still be
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destructive. You can become deeply attached, not just to the person but to
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the cycle, and that helps explain one of the strangest experiences
21:31
after ending an unhealthy relationship. You can know someone
21:34
was wrong for you and still deeply miss them. Those two are not
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contradictory, and that's the thing is sometimes
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you don't get over the ones that are chaotic Because you still
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crave the chaos. So the most destructive attachment combination,
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there isn't a specific scientifically established ranking declaring
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one attachment pairing universally the worst, but certain dynamics tend
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to create more instability. Anxious plus strong avoidant
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can create chronic pursuit and withdraw. 2 highly avoidant
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people can coexist without developing much
22:07
emotional intimacy because 2 highly anxious people
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can potentially create excessive reassurance seeking jealousy or
22:15
emotional escalation. Fearful avoidant dynamics
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can become especially volatile when both partners
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repeatedly alternate between pursuit and withdrawal.
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So if you've got a fearful avoidant that's also gonna be anxious and
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avoidant, it's like a chaos. They're gonna constantly oscillate back
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and forth between anxious and avoidant. And the attachment style alone does
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not determine whether a friendship becomes destructive,
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the behavior does. So the most destructive relationship is the one where
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insecurity becomes an excuse for repeated harmful behavior
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and nobody takes responsibility for changing it and nobody puts
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down boundaries when it happens. And don't answer these questions based upon
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who you want to be. Think about who you actually are. So let's try to
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figure out what type of attachment style you have. I'm going to go slow so
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you think about it. All right. The first question is question 1: When someone
23:07
I love becomes distant, what is my first instinct?
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All right. That's your first question. So A, B, or C: ask what
23:16
happens and give them reasonable space. B, pursue them and try to resolve connection immediately.
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C, pull away and convince yourself that you
23:24
don't care. And then D, panic about losing them, but also
23:27
feel angry and want to push them away. Okay.
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Step 2, when someone becomes very emotionally
23:34
close to me. Number A, I generally enjoy it while maintaining
23:38
my independence. B, I want even more reassurance that
23:41
the relationship is safe. C, I start feeling trapped.
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Or uncomfortable, or D, I want the closeness but simultaneously
23:49
become suspicious or afraid of it. All right? These are good
23:53
ones. And then question 3, we're almost done. Question 3,
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during conflict, you either A, I want to solve the problem
24:01
without destroying the relationship, B, I need reassurance before I
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calm down, C, I need distance and may emotionally
24:08
shut down, or D, I alternate between wanting reassurance
24:12
and wanting to escape. Okay? If you had mostly
24:16
secure attachments, you picked A. Okay?
24:19
So A would've been you ask what happened and give them reasonable space.
24:23
I generally enjoy it while maintaining my independence when somebody is emotionally
24:27
close to me and I want to solve the problem without destroying the relationship.
24:30
Okay? During conflict. If you were a B, you have an anxious tendency.
24:34
That's I want even more reassurance that the relationship is safe.
24:38
I pursue them. And try to restore connection immediately, and I
24:42
need reassurance before I can calm down. And then C suggests a
24:46
dismissive avoidant. Okay? So that's a person that when love
24:50
becomes distant, you pull away too and convince yourself you don't care.
24:54
Or when someone becomes emotional, you start feeling trapped or uncomfortable,
24:58
or during conflict, you need distance and may emotionally shut down.
25:02
Okay? That's, that's more of a dismissive avoidant. And D Now
25:06
this one suggests fearful avoidance. So D is when someone I love
25:10
becomes distant, what is my first instinct? Panic about
25:13
losing them, but also feel angry and want to push them away.
25:17
That's a dismiss— or that's a fearful avoidant. Question 2 was
25:20
when someone becomes very emotional close to me, a fearful avoidant will
25:24
want the closeness, but simultaneously become suspicious or
25:27
afraid of it. And that happens a lot when people have been cheated on.
25:31
And then The third question was, during conflict, I alternate
25:35
between wanting reassurance and wanting to escape. So this is a fearful avoidant.
25:39
This isn't a clinical diagnosis. It's simply a starting point for
25:43
you to recognize patterns, patterns in your partner,
25:45
patterns in yourself, and recognize, you know, recognition matters
25:49
because you cannot change your relationship pattern you refuse to see.
25:53
If you think you're secure, but you get anxious every single time they don't call
25:56
you back right away, And you get anxious when they, you know,
25:59
something happens or you're anxious. You may have an anxious security attachment
26:04
style and not even realize it. Or maybe you're avoidant and you're constantly pulling
26:07
away from the relationship. The closer you get to them or the more loving they
26:11
get, you just pull back. So that could be a fearful avoidant or a,
26:15
or it can even be a dismissive avoidant, but dating at 45,
26:17
55, or 65, it's not the same as dating at 25. And we
26:21
try to convince ourselves it will be because people come into dating with a lot
26:25
of baggage. They've been married. They've had boyfriends and
26:29
girlfriends. They may have gone through a divorce. They've had children. They've had
26:33
financial independence. Some of them have gone bankrupt. There's career pressures.
26:36
They have parents to deal with. They've had a lot of past betrayals from friends,
26:40
from family, from ex-partners, and their former spouse
26:44
may have betrayed them or they betrayed their former spouse,
26:47
but there's grief associated with that. And a
26:51
lot of times they'll have established routines. They don't want to, you know, commit to
26:55
being in your lifestyle and it's difficult. It's not like
26:58
dating when you're 25 because when you're 25, you mold more
27:02
to each other. When you're in your 40s, 50s, and 60s, it's more difficult
27:07
to find someone that fits in your family. And sometimes it could take decades
27:11
of relationship conditioning to recondition them to fit.
27:14
It means that midlife dating requires something beyond chemistry. It requires discernment.
27:18
Instead of asking only, do I like this person? Start asking, who do I become
27:22
around this person? Do I, do I feel calmer, more confident?
27:25
Do they make me feel safe, more yourself? Or do you become suspicious,
27:29
obsessive, insecure, hypervigilant, or emotionally exhausted?
27:33
Because your emotional state inside a relationship is information. And I
27:37
will say, it may start off where it feels
27:40
like you're in a secure relationship, but within 3 to 6
27:44
months, you know, something's changing and you've got to constantly revisit how
27:48
you feel because how do you recover from a destructive
27:52
attachment? Because let's say they start off secure, but after a while they get comfortable
27:56
and you start to see that maybe they're a fearful avoidant, or maybe they're an
27:58
anxious attachment style, the closer you get, they change
28:02
a little bit. I think by the time somebody's 3 to 6 months in,
28:04
you can see most of their personality traits. And what happens is
28:08
if they're a fearful avoidant, you may tend to— even if you're secure,
28:12
you may constantly be questioning what's going on and not understand. So that's
28:16
why you really need to know your type of attachment style and where you're coming
28:19
from. But first, you need to stop romanticizing the best moments while
28:23
ignoring the complete relationship. And I have been guilty of this
28:27
myself. Where you remember the great times, but then you remember, oh my gosh,
28:31
they were checking out other chicks, or oh my gosh, they disrespected
28:35
me when we went for dinner, or oh my gosh, this happened. And if things
28:39
bother you, you need to raise them immediately. You should not be
28:42
letting them go. You need to talk to the person when it happens.
28:46
You shouldn't be waiting for it to boil over and build up.
28:49
The sooner you discuss it, the better. I'm not saying make a big scene if
28:53
you're out and something happens. But do talk to them because if
28:57
you let things go, it's gonna create more conflict in the relationship later on.
29:01
Because you're— and your brain, it loves the highlight reels of, oh, it was a
29:05
beautiful relationship, but was it really? Were there problems?
29:08
And the incredible vacation you went together on or the
29:12
amazing sex night, but was sex amazing every night?
29:15
You gotta ask yourself that. The night they told you they had never loved anyone
29:19
like this before, that maybe they wanted to marry you,
29:22
but relationships are not evaluated by their best 10%. They're evaluated
29:26
by the past. And ask yourself, how did the relationship function consistently?
29:30
Was it always loving or was there something that in the back of your head
29:33
you thought was off? And maybe you need to look at that. Are you feeling
29:37
the same level of comfort that you used to? Is there something that's
29:41
bothering you? Because I will tell you, a lot of times, ladies, we have intuition
29:45
about things and we're usually right. Ask yourself, how did this
29:49
relationship function consistently? Not occasionally, but consistently. Did you separate
29:53
missing someone from being compatible with them? Are you with them because you're
29:57
comfortable or you're with them because you love them. Are you compatible? Do you get
30:00
along? Do you finish each other's sentences? Do you like to snuggle together? Are you—
30:04
do you like to kiss? Are you still as close as you were? Do you
30:06
like the same types of things? Because we talked about love languages
30:10
before and some people have personal touch as a love language while other people don't
30:13
want to be touched. So you have to realize that can be an issue as
30:17
well. You can miss someone, but you should never date them again.
30:20
And you can love someone, but you should never marry them because if
30:23
they've got attachment wounds that are not healed and
30:27
are still traumatized from previous relationships or their childhood,
30:30
they're going to bring it into your relationship and it's going to destroy the
30:35
relationship, especially when a lot of people choose not to get help,
30:38
to not heal themselves. And you can understand someone's wounds and still
30:42
refuse to allow those wounds to injure you. Do not let them injure
30:46
you because those distinctions are enormously important. Third, remove the reinforcement loop.
30:50
I mean, if you ended a destructive relationship, but continue
30:54
checking their social media, rereading messages, looking at their pictures or waiting for
30:57
them to contact you, the relationship may be over physically while the attachment cycle
31:02
is still messing with you psychologically. Even checking becomes
31:05
tiny pull of a slot machine lover, or if you're looking for,
31:09
you know, them to call or text you. If the relationship is done
31:13
and both parties agree, you should move on. Because 4th, you need to identify
31:17
your triggers. Ask yourself, what exactly am I craving? Am I craving the person?
31:21
Am I craving validation or being chosen by them? The intensity,
31:24
the sex, the companionship, or the future you imagined with them?
31:28
Are you craving the feeling you experienced when they returned after withdrawing?
31:31
Are you craving are you grieving that person or are you grieving the possibilities
31:36
that that person had in them? Because I think a lot of times we
31:39
are with people that we see their potential and we love
31:43
their potential so much, and then they disappoint us.
31:46
And because we can still see their potential,
31:49
sometimes we override the disrespect. Sometimes we
31:53
override other things that happen in the relationship, even though it doesn't
31:56
feel comfortable, but know which one you're grieving. It will change
32:00
how you heal. You might be grieving several of these things. Maybe you thought they
32:04
were your soulmate, but then they showed you who they really were and you have
32:07
to move on. 5th, learn to tolerate consistency. It shouldn't
32:11
be boring. People that are secure people, they're consistent.
32:15
And if you're in a secure relationship, count yourself lucky because if
32:19
you have repeated experienced chaotic relationship, a healthy partner may not
32:23
immediately produce the emotional fireworks you're accustomed to because give
32:28
attraction enough time to distinguish if there is chemistry here and nervous system
32:32
time to see if it's being activated on uncertainty, but you gotta want
32:36
it. You gotta want a secure relationship. And if you're craving
32:40
a chaotic relationship, you're gonna run right over that secure relationship.
32:44
Each attachment style tries to move towards secure. If you're anxious,
32:48
the goal isn't to stop wanting intimacy. The goal is learning that
32:52
uncertainty doesn't always require immediate action
32:56
and pause before you pursue. Do? Start to control yourself.
32:59
If you're an anxious person and you have to text back 5
33:03
times when they text you once, maybe text them once and wait.
33:07
Learn to have patience. Learn emotional regulation of yourself.
33:11
Communicate your needs directly instead of testing people. Don't send them a test
33:15
and then say, well, you didn't respond back to me right away, and they don't
33:18
know what you're talking about. Learn to control your emotions, not theirs,
33:22
and choose consistent partners. Most importantly, stop trying to earn love
33:26
from people who repeatedly demonstrate that they cannot provide the relationship you need.
33:30
If you're an avoidant, the goal isn't to surrender your independence. It's learning
33:34
that vulnerability doesn't eliminate independence and it's not scary
33:39
and to get over the fear of emotional connection.
33:42
Practice staying emotionally present during uncomfortable conversations.
33:45
Stay in the moment and learn to communicate when you need space instead
33:49
of disappearing. Learn to identify feelings before automatically suppressing
33:53
them and stop confusing emotional detachment with strength.
33:57
This is a big one for men. It's not, it's not strength
34:00
to pull away and not communicate with your partner. And then
34:04
if you're a fearful avoidant, you may need to work on both sides
34:08
simultaneously. You need to recognize what triggers you when you're in pursuit and
34:12
recognize what triggers you when you withdraw, because you're going to cause a lot of
34:16
hot and cold for your partner and they're going to not understand what's going on.
34:19
And it's the slow relationship, slow the relationship down. You don't
34:23
have to speed it up. Because if it's consistent, if it's loving, if it's
34:27
giving you what you need and your partner's getting what they need, you will have
34:30
a good relationship. You just need to work on it. And they do really well
34:34
with secure partners and they tend to love them deeply.
34:37
And when significant trauma or longstanding patterns are involved,
34:40
like therapy needs to be utilized because it's especially
34:44
useful because insight alone doesn't always change deeply
34:48
conditioned responses. If you're one of those people addicted
34:52
to porn, if you're one of those people that can't stop flirting with everyone,
34:55
that's a conditioned response. It's a habit. You may have done it for decades.
34:59
You have to go to therapy to work that out. If you're secure, your job
35:02
isn't to rescue everyone else. It's to maintain your standards
35:06
and your boundaries, to not let other people walk all over you no matter how
35:10
much you care or love for them. You need to communicate clearly when you
35:13
have arguments. You need to tell them right away. When something bothers you.
35:17
Again, don't make a scene. There's most people that are secure won't,
35:20
they'll have a discussion in private, but you have to have empathy without
35:24
abandoning your boundaries. And this is where a lot of empaths are because we,
35:28
when we feel, we sometimes will let our boundaries down because we're
35:32
trying too hard. We're trying to give empathy to the person
35:36
and we'll let our boundaries down. And it's a very dangerous slope because once you
35:40
let your boundary down once, if you're with an anxious or an avoidant,
35:44
they're going to see it and they're going to know where to push your boundaries.
35:47
You need to recognize when someone's attachment difficulties are becoming your emotional
35:51
responsibility because they're not. They need to work out their issues. You need to support
35:56
them, but they need to work out their own issues. And then the dating rule
35:59
I want you to remember is there is one question I think
36:02
that becomes incredibly valuable in midlife. And it says,
36:05
am I evaluating this person's potential or am I evaluating
36:09
their patterns? So are you staying with them because of the potential
36:13
and ignoring their patterns? Or are you actually evaluating their patterns?
36:16
Because potential has kept people in bad relationships for years.
36:20
He could be an incredible partner if, if she would just do this,
36:23
or once he works through that, or when she finally realizes this,
36:27
or when she starts treating me better. No. Date patterns,
36:31
not potential. Pay attention to consistency because consistency honestly
36:36
is the best relationship to be in. Make sure the other partner is accountable when
36:39
they mess up and can communicate. And they have to be emotionally available,
36:43
and this is a big one, especially lately with all the social media media,
36:46
make sure they have integrity, make sure they have morals and values that match
36:50
your own. And it needs to be a match. If you're open to
36:54
different types of relationship, that's fine, but it needs to match. Then you
36:57
should keep your boundaries strong and repair any conflict as quickly
37:01
as you can. Whether someone's actions repeatedly match their words is a good
37:05
sign. If they say they're going to show up at 5 o'clock and they show
37:08
up at 6 or 6:30, or if they say they're going to meet you for
37:11
dinner and they're always That's actions not matching
37:14
their words. And it's every once in a while I get it, but it shouldn't
37:18
be a consistent pattern. And attachment theory can help you understand why someone
37:22
behaves the way they do, but understand someone does
37:25
not obligate you to stay with them just because you're in love with them if
37:29
the attachment style is not a match and they're not willing to change.
37:32
And here's the thing. The truth is you're not here to change anyone.
37:36
People can change themselves, but they have to want to. And most people don't.
37:40
By midlife, the goal shouldn't be to find someone who gives you
37:43
the biggest emotional high. The goal is finding someone with whom you can build something
37:47
real. We have in our 50s, 60s, 70s, you may
37:50
only have 20 or 30 Christmases left, 20 or 30
37:54
Thanksgivings if you're lucky. And so why are you wasting
37:57
it with people that are dysregulating you? When you're older,
38:01
you need to be more selective, not let your boundaries down and not
38:05
focus on people's potential. And the goal is to have passion when
38:08
it matters, attraction that matters. Sex is very important too,
38:12
and then have some adventure and fun, but it needs to be with a secure
38:16
attachment. And so especially if you're a secure attachment style person,
38:20
otherwise you're gonna, it's gonna be challenging. So do reliably,
38:24
but the other things is that this also matters: reliability,
38:28
emotional safety, honesty, respect,
38:31
integrity, communication, and peace.
38:34
And the healthiest relationship isn't necessarily the relationship that makes your heart race because
38:38
you're constantly afraid of losing the relationship. Sometimes the
38:42
strongest relationship is the one where you finally realize, I don't have to chase love.
38:46
I don't have to prove what I'm— that I'm worthy to stay
38:50
for. I don't have to tell someone over and over again to stop
38:54
treating me poorly, to stop disrespecting me. I don't
38:58
have to rescue someone so they'll choose me. I don't have to confuse emotional
39:02
chaos with passion because you can understand your attachment history without
39:07
allowing it to dictate your future. You get to choose. And maybe this
39:11
is one of the greatest advantages of finding love in midlife because
39:14
you finally have enough experience to stop asking,
39:18
do they want me? And start asking the far more important question, is this person
39:23
actually good for me? Is this person willing to work with
39:26
their issues and resolve things and become the person
39:30
that they say they're gonna be and their actions match, because those are
39:34
not always the same thing. I hope you find your person. I know it can
39:38
be challenging, but you know what? It may just be, again, your sample
39:41
size is too low. You're dating too few people. If you keep
39:45
running into the similar attachment styles, maybe you need to look at some discerning questions
39:49
to ask upfront and find out, because it does kind of suck getting 3 months
39:53
or 6 months or 9 months into a relationship and then realizing they're not
39:57
the right attachment style for you or they're dishonest or disloyal. So it's best
40:01
to find out this quickly. And I think the more you date, the more experience
40:05
you'll have. I wish you the best for a dating life and
40:09
I wish you the best as you go through. It is a challenge, but I
40:12
think you can be up to the challenge. This is Diva Mia. Stay strong,
40:16
stay loving, always be about love. And I
40:20
hope you have a wonderful time. Take care. Enjoy your
40:28
Subscribe and drop a comment. We'd love hearing from you.
40:31
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40:35
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