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What If Self-Care Is Learning To Fly · The Spiritual Shitshow Podcast

• 0:00
  Welcome back to the Spiritual Shit Show podcast.
• 0:02
  My name is Julie Nguyen, and I'm recording this, it's Wednesday morning.
• 0:08
  I just finished meditating, and I'm sitting here quietly outside drinking my coffee and thinking,"Okay, what now?" Because for the last couple of months, I had something to focus on.
• 0:25
  A few months ago, I got this whisper.
• 0:26
  It was a really clear, undeniable call from somewhere deep inside to create an event, to gather women together in a space.
• 0:35
  Part of it was I have been in my cocoon, my spiritual shit show, for 10 years, and the way I described it was I'm getting kicked out.
• 0:44
  I've graduated from college, and now I need to go get a job.
• 0:47
  And what does that require?
• 0:48
  It requires me to get out there, to put my resume out again, to go and get the job, to show up, to get out of the house A date came to me, August 23rd, and I named it Remembering You.
• 1:06
  And once I said yes to that call, I had a container.
• 1:09
  I had somewhere to put all of the restless searching energy.
• 1:13
  There was something to build, and it was exciting and terrifying all at the same time.
• 1:19
  I was able to build and create something, but give it enough space because I had enough conscious awareness of when the fear was popping in, when the self-doubt was popping in, when the old habits were creeping in the night before the event, I had an awareness of, I am so good at future planning, and this is a practice of me stepping into it.
• 1:42
  It's so easy to dream and to feel the feeling of a dream, but when the dream is actually here, it's manifested, how am I gonna step into it?
• 1:52
  So Sunday came, and it happened, and so many people showed up.
• 2:01
  It felt like this strange, initiation.
• 2:03
  It was literally a closing of a loop And an opening of a new one.
• 2:08
  And the people who blessed the first half of my journey when I was in my 20s showed up, and it felt like they were blessing the second chapter of my life, this new thing that I'm stepping into.
• 2:22
  And again, I don't know what is to come.
• 2:24
  I don't know what I'm stepping into.
• 2:27
  And that's where this really beautiful divine curiosity comes in, because I'm not scared of it.
• 2:32
  I'm more excited and I'm more curious, and I am really grateful that I've had the experience again of what it feels like to hear something deep inside of you to say,"You need to do this," and then you do it Spiritual traditions talk about this thin place, these moments and spaces where the veil between the physical world and the divine is so thin that you can just feel it.
• 3:00
  And Sunday was one of those places for me.
• 3:01
  It just felt like It was a swirl that I couldn't name, and yes, at moments I got lost in the swirl But the bigger opportunity here is that I've got to experience so when it happens again, I can ground.
• 3:16
  And when it happens again, I can ground.
• 3:18
  And when it happens again, I can ground.
• 3:20
  I can continue to ground deeper and deeper and deeper into the magic The morning started with my daughter and I driving to the space, windows down, and when my dad and/or my dog Jack shows up, they show up as feathers.
• 3:37
  And literally, a feather flew in my window, swirled around my head, flew past my daughter, and then out her window.
• 3:50
  And my daughter was like,"Whoa.
• 3:52
  Mom, did you see that?" And I was like,"Yes, I did.
• 3:55
  I did.
• 3:57
  Thank you, Dad.
• 3:58
  Thank you, Jack." And then we pulled up to the space, and the very first song that was playing through the speakers was Fleetwood Mac Dreams.
• 4:04
  And if you know me, Fleetwood Mac is one of those sacred signals I associate with my dad.
• 4:10
  It's how he taps me on the shoulder from the other side and says,"I'm here.
• 4:14
  Have some fun.
• 4:16
  Dance." and then that night before we all went to bed, a praying mantis flew out of my plant and landed on my altar.
• 4:28
  And again, my daughter was like,"Whoa, what is that?" And I was like,"I know."'Cause we both saw something fly and I was like,"Whoa, what was that?" And she was like,"It's a praying mantis." And there's literally a praying mantis on the altar.
• 4:41
  And she was like,"What is going on?" And I was like,"I have no idea." Today felt like one of the most magical, mystical days I've experienced in a really long time.
• 4:52
  And these are the beautiful sacred bookends, and in between them was a room full of women moving, laughing, showing up, connecting, being human together, and it was breathtaking.
• 5:07
  and then my brain got involved.
• 5:10
  You know that voice the moment the sacred portal closes and the ego stands up, dusts itself off and starts demanding a line-by-line audit.
• 5:20
  Was it actually good?
• 5:22
  Did people just show up out of obligation?
• 5:25
  Did I oversell and underdeliver?
• 5:28
  Should I have danced that much?
• 5:29
  Why did I do that move?
• 5:32
  Did I talk too much?
• 5:33
  why did I say that thing?
• 5:35
  Did I not do enough?
• 5:37
  I didn't plan that well.
• 5:39
  Is that what people expected?
• 5:41
  Did people leave saying,"Why did I just do that?
• 5:43
  That was weird.
• 5:45
  What was she doing?" And of course, the ultimate exhausting question is, could it have been better?
• 5:51
  And absolutely.
• 5:54
  Anything can be better.
• 5:56
  Perfection is a mirage we chase so we don't have to look at the beauty of what is actually right in front of us.
• 6:04
  And my intention for the event was to be present and to let the magic unfold.
• 6:10
  And the parts of the event that got messy for me personally is the parts that I was trying to control, demand, or show up in a different way And on Monday people started reaching out I feel so happy today.
• 6:24
  Thank you so much for yesterday." Or,"I didn't realize how badly I needed that.
• 6:28
  Thank you." Or,"Thank you for creating that space.
• 6:30
  It was really beautiful.
• 6:31
  It was really fun." And instead of just letting those words land in my chest, instead of letting them nourish these parts of me that work so hard and allow these words to honor what I wanted to honor within myself, which is I showed up, and instead I was catching myself saying,"Yeah, but not everybody loved it," or,"Yeah, but did they love it?" Or,"Was that compliment authentic?" And I could have transitioned a little bit better, and I didn't give enough time and space for the things that I wanted to give time and space to, and yeah, but...
• 7:05
  And it made me stop.
• 7:08
  And I had to ask myself, why is it sometimes so much easier to believe criticism than it is to believe love?
• 7:17
  why can someone look us in the eye and tell us something profoundly beautiful about who we are, and we immediately discount it?
• 7:24
  And we say,"Oh, they're just being nice," or,"They don't really know me," or,"They don't really mean it." But let someone say something hurtful to us 15 years ago, whether that's a passing comment from a teacher, a shitty comment from an ex-partner, a parent, a friend, and somehow that becomes gospel.
• 7:45
  We carry that heavy toxic weight around like it was handed down to us on a stone tablet and like it's true Psychologically, we know why this happens.
• 7:54
  We have a negativity bias.
• 7:56
  Our ancestral nervous systems are wired to scan for threats because back on the savannah, ignoring a threat meant death.
• 8:05
  If you have spent years of your life needing to pay attention to other people's micro-expressions, that's me.
• 8:11
  Reading rooms, yep, that's me too.
• 8:13
  Anticipating disappointment, ugh, me again.
• 8:17
  Walking on eggshells to make sure everyone else is okay.
• 8:21
  Your nervous system becomes a world-class detective for what went wrong.
• 8:28
  And so when 10 people tell you something beautiful and one person looks slightly distracted, guess who gets the microphone in your head?
• 8:36
  The distracted person every single time.
• 8:39
  and sitting in my meditation this morning, I realized I don't think my practice right now is to create the next big thing.
• 8:46
  I think my practice is actually receiving what already happened, simultaneously not overthinking it, but really noticing how do I receive joy?
• 9:01
  How do I receive compliments?
• 9:04
  Receiving the fact that people showed up and they showed up in such an overwhelming way.
• 9:10
  Like I literally cried, like a cry that I haven't really experienced probably since my wedding, that people showed up because they love you.
• 9:20
  And then again, noticing that I was like, it's not truthful, or it's not authentic, or again, they just want something from me.
• 9:27
  That I think is something back from the dance days of having a need for relationships and to believe in authenticity.
• 9:36
  But at the end of the day, these people in the dance space really just wanted a part of me.
• 9:41
  They wanted to be friends with me so they can get the inside scoop or the tea on what's happening at the dance studio, or they wanted to get in with me so I would like their kid, so their kid would get, extra opportunity.
• 9:53
  And so now receiving the truth that I did something incredibly courageous, receiving the possibility that when someone looks at me and tells me something beautiful and says it was good, that they mean it While I was in my meditation this morning, this vivid image came to me, and I saw myself as a bird, and I felt this ache in my chest as I realized, shit, I think I've spent a large portion of my life with clipped wings.
• 10:26
  Life clipped one of them, painful experiences clipped the other, a lifelong narcissistic relationship Probably clipped the rest.
• 10:34
  And eventually, without even realizing, I just stopped trying to fly, and I got really good at being a cute little bird who's just hopping around on the land, grateful that I'm closer to the flowers, grateful that I'm closer to the earth.
• 10:48
  But I forgot that I was meant to fly And I wanna be clear, I built a beautiful life down here.
• 10:56
  I learned how to function beautifully.
• 10:58
  I learned how to work hard.
• 11:00
  I learned how to anticipate needs, how to take care of everyone around me, how to build a business, how to survive, how to heal, how to pray, how to squeeze every single drop of joy out of the limited gravity I was bound by.
• 11:15
  and I made the absolute most out of the wings I had left.
• 11:20
  And remembering you, this event, this space, it gave me one of my wings back.
• 11:28
  When I walked into that studio Friday night to set it up, my husband was like,"Wow, I see it." And I said,"What?" And he was like,"You miss this." And I was like,"Oh my God," and here comes the tears.
• 11:39
  I miss having a space.
• 11:40
  I miss building spaces for people to come to.
• 11:43
  more importantly, I miss my own joy.
• 11:45
  I miss my light.
• 11:46
  I miss my smile.
• 11:48
  I miss moving in spaces with people.
• 11:50
  I miss feeling like I am important and that I matter, and I miss inspiring people in real time, in community, not just on Zoom.
• 12:01
  I miss having a place that feels like home, that is outside of my home.
• 12:07
  And for so long, that was the dance studio space.
• 12:09
  I loved turning the key to open a place that felt like mine, that I could be proud of, that I built.
• 12:16
  So the remembering you gave me a wing for a brief shining moment on Sunday.
• 12:22
  I stretched it all the way out and I danced and I created and I let myself be seen in all of my messy magic and shit showiness.
• 12:33
  And as I sit here today, I realize I still have another wing that needs tending to.
• 12:39
  And maybe I'm not supposed to immediately turn Sunday's magic into a new business strategy or do this again even.
• 12:46
  It's not the question of what I'm supposed to do next.
• 12:50
  What I received very clearly today is what would happen if I tended to my wings long enough to actually learn how to fly.
• 13:00
  It's almost have you ever been sick for a couple of weeks, but you can't just lay in bed, so you function.
• 13:05
  You just keep pushing through and you're making dinner and and you're still driving the kids around and you're still going to work and you're still answering emails and you're still folding laundry and you're just functioning.
• 13:13
  You're still doing your day, but you're sick.
• 13:15
  And then one day you finally feel better and you're not sick anymore and you wake up with energy in your limbs and you're like,"Oh my God, I can't believe I was doing all of that while feeling that bad." I wonder how many of us are doing that emotionally every single day.
• 13:31
  how many of us have become Olympic-level athletes at functioning with clipped wings?
• 13:37
  We are getting things done.
• 13:38
  We are raising beautiful families, leading companies, helping others show up, and doing a really great job at walking around on the dirt.
• 13:48
  But what if we could fly?
• 13:50
  Now here's where it gets really uncomfortable for me, and this is where personal awareness comes in, because the moment I decide to turn inward and tend to myself, I hit a wall.
• 13:58
  I bump right up against an old voice from my past.
• 14:03
  "You're selfish." For so long, that was what I was told, that I was the most selfish person ever.
• 14:10
  And those words don't just vanish because you disconnect from that relationship.
• 14:17
  When you are told certain things for a really long time, you begin to believe them, and that's what this 10-year spiritual shitshow for me has been, is unraveling these things that I've been told over and over and over and over again that in my soul I didn't believe, but my mind began to question So when my soul whispers, Julie, tend to yourself, rest, receive, stop trying to turn this magic into a transaction, that little echo still pipes up from the corner of my mind of you're going to tend to your wings?
• 14:49
  You're so selfish.
• 14:52
  And I'm starting to wonder how many of us have confused self-abandonment with generosity How many of us learned that being a good woman, a good mother, a good partner, a good leader, a good friend means constantly tending to everyone else's wings, making sure everyone else can fly while we sit quietly in the grass just being grateful that we can still walk?
• 15:20
  that is not holy.
• 15:22
  That is not love.
• 15:24
  That is self-abandonment, and that is depletion I was really trying to invite in a space of reciprocity for the Remembering You event, and reciprocity has to exist inside of us.
• 15:38
  I have to be able to receive the compliments, to receive the event as is.
• 15:44
  Realizing I can give and I can receive.
• 15:47
  I can create something beautiful for me, for you, and I can let your gratitude flow back into my heart without battling it in any way.
• 16:00
  So that is my sacred practice for the rest of the week And if any of this resonated with you, It might be some soul food for thought to receive When someone tells me I made an impact, receive it.
• 16:16
  Don't minimize it.
• 16:17
  Don't say,"Oh, it's nothing," or,"It could've been better," or it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to be." Don't search for the person who didn't get it.
• 16:27
  Just let them.
• 16:29
  Just look them in the eye and say,"Thank you," and let it land.
• 16:32
  Because maybe receiving is the water and the sunlight that grows our feathers back.
• 16:36
  Maybe every time we allow ourselves to take in love, and I'm underlining the word rest here, pleasure, and joy, we are reclaiming our sky Remembering who we are isn't always some explosive, dramatic spiritual awakening where suddenly we are soaring effortlessly through the clouds.
• 17:02
  Maybe it's much quieter than that.
• 17:04
  Maybe it's just looking down and noticing, I've been walking around smiling, loving with clipped wings.
• 17:15
  And instead of judging yourself for not flying yet, just start tending to them.
• 17:20
  Nourish them.
• 17:22
  Wrap them in your warmth.
• 17:24
  Let them heal you.
• 17:26
  And stop demanding that they perform before they are ready.
• 17:31
  And eventually, you realize you don't have to spend your whole life on the ground.
• 17:36
  So my beloved friend, that is the question for you, for me, for us today.
• 17:42
  Where have you gotten really, really good at functioning?
• 17:46
  And underneath all that productivity, all that doing, all that surviving, is there a part of you that doesn't want to just function anymore?
• 17:56
  Is there a wing asking to be tended to?
• 17:59
  And what would it look like?
• 18:00
  Not to force yourself to fly today, but simply to give the wing what it needs.
• 18:05
  Maybe today it looks like rest.
• 18:08
  Maybe it's movement.
• 18:09
  Maybe it's finally asking for help or saying a hard no.
• 18:14
  Maybe it's just letting someone love you without trying to earn it.
• 18:17
  For me, this week, it is beautifully simple.
• 18:22
  I am tending to my wings.
• 18:25
  I am practicing the art of receiving highlighting the word practicing.
• 18:31
  And when someone tells me something beautiful, I am going to practice the radical act of believing them.
• 18:39
  I've gotten pretty damn good at living on the ground, and I'm ready to find out what happens when I finally let myself fly.
• 18:49
  Thank you for being here with me.
• 18:51
  Take care of your wings today, and I'll see you next time