Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / DIVORCE IS HARD - a reminder to rest & reflect

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DIVORCE IS HARD - a reminder to rest & reflect · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Allen Hartel, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there in soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to a new episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to talk about the importance of reflection and rest when, well, in life in general, but particularly when we're navigating something big and something as significant as separation and divorce.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: This came up because in conversation with a client last week he was messaging me and speaking about how exhausted he was and how he really felt he wasn't getting enough done or making sufficient progress.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: He had in fact made some really big realizations, I guess, come to some really big realizations, and he'd also taken some pretty significant steps forward.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so in our conversation, I reminded him of that fact.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I reminded him of those.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then of recognizing that, you know, in making big decisions or coming to big realizations, it takes a lot of energy.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: And so we then went on to talk about small small steps and small steps being enough.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and if he felt that he wanted or needed to continue to be in action, to think about and do just one small thing each day, one small thing that moves the needle.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: But and here's the big thing: I also reminded him that rest and reflection are equally important, and that you can't just do, do, do yourself forward.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can't just continue to do, constantly be in action and and be doing.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: That you do need that time to rest, you need time to reflect on your progress, where you've been, where you are, where you're going, to integrate learning and changing, um, and to allow all of the big shifts that you're making to allow that all to settle and and I guess as I said to integrate.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: So in our world, and you know, at a time, a big life moment, a crash point in life like separation and divorce, we're we're encouraged to constantly be in action, to tick off the list, to get stuff done, and to be busy all the time.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, busyness is rewarded in our society, but we need also to remind ourselves that pausing is important too, that that pause is necessary, it allows our revelations, our change, our learning to be integrated.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: It allows the you know the dust to settle on big events or big emotions, it allows us to process and consolidate.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: So taking a breath and preparing for the next step is just as important.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And looking backwards and reflecting is just as important as being in action and being in motion, and the importance of rest and relaxation and especially sleep cannot be underestimated.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know, rest, relaxation help our nervous system to calm down and help us maintain a healthy balance in our body, in our life.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So rest and relaxation and sleep are important to everyday life, as I said at the top of the episode, but they're absolutely critical during times of great stress, big emotion, like moving through separation, navigating divorce.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: So finding ways to calm both your mind and your body are really, really important.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: I also reflected with this particular client that it's okay to allow divorce to be hard.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay for it to be hard because it is.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: There's no denying it.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now, whether you chose it, whether it was a mutual decision or you've been blindsided by your ex-partner, whether it's an amicable separation, it's cooperative and as respectful as it can be, or if it's higher conflict and potentially getting more challenging and a bit nasty, divorce is hard.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's really, really hard.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I am one for acknowledging that.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm all for naming it when things are hard, for not sugarcoating it or glossing over the hard bits of life, including relationship breakups, divorce, reorganising your family afterwards, co-parenting with someone that you've chosen not to have an ongoing intimate partner relationship with supporting your kids through the mess and making sure that they, as well as you, come out the other side as okay as possible.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's really hard.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I read recently Umia Pitt's post on I think it was on Facebook, where she wrote, Hard times are just that hard.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I know lots of people try to find lessons in the hard times, but I think that's a bit of a myth.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, learn stuff, but also it's okay to just feel shit sometimes.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You don't always have to find the silver lining or find the positive lesson in it.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's something that I believe deeply, and I wish I'd written that post myself.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: At times I find the whole, you know, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger mentality that there's a lesson from the universe here, all that positivity I find unhelpful at best and toxic or damaging at worst.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Allowing things to be hard without needing to find that lesson or see the positive or unraveling whatever it is the universe is trying to tell us is important.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes things, sometimes life is just hard and that can be shit.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: So here's to acknowledging that divorce is hard.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So what I wanted to do in the next part of this episode is really take you through some ways I know that can help you deal with the hard stuff.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, firstly, as Thuya said in her post, simply allowing it to be hard without judgment, without judgment of you, without judgment of the situation, without trying to shift or change it to be anything other than hard.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is hard, acknowledging that this is shitty and it's hard, dropping that facade.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to drop the I'm fine, everything's okay, I'm doing fine.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to drop that facade and just acknowledge, yep, this is hard.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here a while, if you've listened to some of my other episodes, you'll know that I talk about fierce independence being a trauma response.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so too can the I'm fine when you're clearly not.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's a trauma response, it's a protective response.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's a I don't want to feel like this, so I'm just gonna tell everyone I'm fine and I'm just gonna keep going and going and going and going.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a reminder: pausing, reflecting, resting is important, and so too is just simply acknowledging, yeah, this is hard and it's crap.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing that can help you get through the hard is water.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Water, a shower, a bath, a swim in the pool or the ocean, even just a good long drink of the stuff.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Water helps almost everything.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Water in the form of tears, a really big cry can help.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's a release and can help reset your nervous system.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So let it out in a big cry if that's what you need to do.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Get in the shower, wash it all off, go for a swim, even just put your feet in cold water, whatever.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Water is a really great way of bringing you back to where you are, allowing it to be hard, pausing, stopping the doing.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Another really great way to help process the hard, to allow it to be hard, to give yourself the time and space to reflect and rest is walking or time in nature, trying to just be wherever you are rather than focus on focusing on all the things you need to get done, fixing or solving the problem, dealing with the hard, just being where you are, even if it's bare feet on the grass in in your backyard, just focusing on being in nature and mindful of where you are rather than future tripping, worrying about what's coming and worrying about what you still have to do, even worrying about what you what you did, being mindful, nature can help.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: So too can something really frivolous a mindless happy movie or a TV show or a podcast, something that's not too deep, you don't have to think about it, you don't have to process it, it's it's not gonna bring up big emotions, it's just fluff.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself permission to just stop and enjoy something.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: A piece of music or a mindless happy movie or a TV show can really help shift you out of the constant need to be doing and in action.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and kids are great for this too, okay?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: A kids' movie is great.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Curl up on the couch with them and just watch something that's fluffy that you don't have to think about, it's not going to bring up big emotions, it just allows you to pause.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Meditation or mindfulness practices, of course, I'm going to say that, but sometimes when you're in the hard, that becomes hard.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: So don't force that if it's not something that is part of your practice already.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: But choose simple ways.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: It could be a guided meditation, try insight timer or calm one of the apps, go onto YouTube.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: There's thousands, you'll find something that works for you.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Mindfulness can be as simple as really focusing on your hands when you're washing your hands after the after going to the bathroom.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Something really simple like that.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: It just gives you a moment to pause, just to be where you are.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing that can help with the hard is connection.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: A hug with someone or a cuddle with your fairy your fairy friend, um, picking up the phone and calling someone and just saying, This is hard, I'm having I'm having a hard time today, I don't need you to fix it or solve the problem, I just needed to voice it.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, ask for help if that's what you need, but even just opening opening your mouth and saying, Hey, this is really hard.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Today is really hard, can help.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: If it feels like you need more to shift yourself out of the the hard, you can do something like a really hard gym session, a really hard run.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: It can take you completely away from out of your own head if you are focused on um powerful exercise.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: It could be a punching bag, but it could equally be just a run and a hard or a hard gym session, so that all you can focus on is your body.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can even just put your hands on the wall and push up really, really hard against the wall until your arms are tired, you're exhausted.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it takes, just to allow yourself to be in that in that zone, taking you out of your head and bring really dropping into your body.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Music, of course, is another great one.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Whether for you that's really loud, heavy metal, or rock, or it's soft and gentle and classical, whatever soothes you, whatever shifts you out of where you are, whatever can take you away and allow you to pause to rest.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Sleep, of course, and if that is something that you're struggling with when you're in hard, applying some of these other nervous system resets throughout the day can support your sleep at night, as can the classic of get off your screens, go to bed a bit earlier, um, you know, warm drink before bed, all those things.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: But try and focus on your sleep and your sleep health if you are in the middle of heart.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sleep is crucial in rest, reset, all of the things it is crucial for your health and well-being.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, whatever it takes for you to get decent sleep, do it.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever steps you need to take to get decent sleep, do it.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: And just before we deep dive into the second part of this podcast episode, I want to remind you that there's always the opportunity to have a conversation with me, to book a free intro call.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode is bringing up things for you and you feel like you're ready to take the next step towards working one-on-one with me, there's a link in the show notes to book your free intro call and to discuss coaching options, and I would love to be able to support you.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I really wanted to set circle back here to acceptance, just allowing it to be hard and not making the pause or the stopping in terms of doing, not making the pause wrong.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Accept that this is a really hard season and it's shitty right now, it's really hard.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: And to do the hard things, you need to stop, you need to pause, you need to give yourself time to not be in action, time to not be doing.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: And again, going back to what Cheeria Pitt wrote, not everything has a reason, not everything is sent to teach us something, so it's okay, it's perfectly okay if you can't find the lesson or see a reason.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes shitty hard things just happen around us.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: There doesn't have to be a silver lining, and there might not actually be much that much that is good about where you are right now, or good that comes from it, or the good might not be apparent or obvious to you right now.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: There might be learning, but you don't have to feel that if it's if that's not real for you.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to force the learning or force yourself to see the good or for force yourself to see the lesson if that's not where you're at or what you're really experiencing or feeling.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so pausing can just pausing and acknowledging can be as good as it gets right now, and pausing and acknowledging is perfectly, perfectly fine.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Another way that can support you to get through the heart is to shift where you're focusing.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um you know, to think about that one small step.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: What is one small thing I can do to make today a little better?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about making it great, it's not about getting all the stuff done, it's about what what is one small shift that I can make, one small way I can shift my focus to make me feel better in the hard.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: And while not sugarcoating it, not glossing over it, but trust that it is true when when you go through hard stuff, it does build resilience.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Each time you face the hard stuff, you do get stronger, you do get grittier, you do get more resilient, you do get more resourceful, you become more capable, and and it's also 100% perfectly okay to resent it, to not want to do any more hard stuff, to be tired of it, to really be exhausted by it.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: And when you feel that, that is your absolute indicator that you need to pause, you need to stop, you need to rest.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's also okay to shift your perspective.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I'm not one for that toxic positivity of well, things could be worse, and um that's not the type of perspective shift I'm talking about here.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's absolutely the antithesis of what this episode is about, and also someone else's story can help you, you know.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Cheeria Pitt's own story, that happiest man on earth.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Have a read of that book, um, reflect coaching client stories, and you can check some of that out, them out in my highlights on Instagram.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever or whoever you find inspiring can just help you shift your perspective, and again, it's not in that cheesy, oh, you should be grateful, it could be worse kind of way, but just in an opening and an expansion and in a you know cheering yourself on kind of way.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: I can do this, I have done hard stuff before, and there, you know, there probably is going to be a light at the end of at the end of this, and while I'm in the hard, while I'm in the hard right now, where I am is not the end.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, of course, I'm always going to say define your future, it's another way to shift you out of the hard.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Really get clear on where you want to be and how you want life to look and feel in two or five, ten, or even twenty years time and look towards that.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Nope, you're not there right now, you're in the hard, and where you and where you are right now is hard, and it's really crap.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And there's probably more hard and shitty stuff to go through before you get where you're going.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: But having a vision that's big enough to pull you forward can help you handle the hard of where you are just now.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: And taking the time to stop and pause and just be can actually help pull you forward, can motivate, not motivate you, that's the wrong word, can actually be a source of energy to carry you forward.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: So it's important to rest and pause.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Allow yourself to stop, allow yourself to pause, allow yourself to do nothing.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: I love the term sacred laziness, and it's a real thing because stopping is really important, not being in action, but just a being is perfectly healthy and normal and okay.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught that laziness is bad or wrong, but we need laziness.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: We need to stop, we need to pause to muster the energy to then keep going.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: So sacred laziness is a thing.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, not all of the time, but allowing time and allowing space for the pause will help you get through the hard stuff.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, reach out to your support system.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, friends, yes, family.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: Build your team to hold you in the hard moments, those ones that you can pick up the phone and say, Hey, today's really hard, so that they can help you carry the load and they can cheer you on, they can offer you hugs and cups of tea or a cooked meal, a glass of wine, a laugh, soft space to land and cry those big tears that you need to cry.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, I'm gonna say get your pressure, get your professional team built around you too.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Seek out the professional, specialized support you need to hold you in the hard and remind you to stop and pause.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's something you would like to explore with me, feel free to book a free intro call with me.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: So just to close out, it's important to get stuff done when you're in a hard season like separation and divorce.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to be in action and to move the needle forward.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's equally important to stop, to pause, to reflect, and to rest.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: So allow yourself a bit of both.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've got something from this episode.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know someone who needs a reminder to pause, a bit of sacred laziness, please share this episode with them.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.