Latest / The Living Freed Podcast / When its time to Break up: Friends

Transcript

When its time to Break up: Friends · The Living Freed Podcast

0:20
Hey girlypops, thank you for tuning in for the
0:22
Living Freed Podcast. I hope you're having an
0:25
amazing week so far. I know that I sure am. I've
0:28
gotten to spend a lot of time in the last week
0:31
or so catching up with friends. I've been doing
0:33
long -distance phone calls with people over in
0:35
Europe. I've missed some long -distance phone
0:37
calls with people here in the States. Cough cough,
0:41
Serena. And I've gotten to just spend some quality
0:46
time with some really quality people, and I've
0:48
enjoyed every minute of it. The other day, I
0:50
went over to my best friend Nikki's house, and
0:52
we just laid on the sofa and watched a movie.
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And I could not be mad about it. Not one bit.
0:57
Now. Let's switch gears for just a second and
0:59
talk about what's in. You know, it might still
1:02
be 80 degrees out and the sun might be shining
1:05
nice and bright just as I speak as I look through
1:08
the window thinking I should be by the pool at
1:10
this very moment. But I am really enjoying everything
1:14
that comes with a colder season so I'm escalating
1:18
it a little bit. Do I wish that the warmth would
1:19
go away? Absolutely no. But do I have cinnamon
1:23
rolls sitting on my counter at this moment? Yes.
1:26
Definitely do and did I go out and purchase my
1:30
warm cozy scented body wash oil and deodorant
1:34
Yeah, I did and it's being shipped to me right
1:37
now. No shame in the game All that being said
1:39
though. I'm not wishing for the warmth before
1:42
the warmth to go away I actually am self -diagnosed
1:46
allergic to the cold. I just love all the things
1:48
that come with the cool season I'm not a pumpkin
1:50
spice girl though. Wish I was wish I could enjoy
1:53
it. I just am NOT I don't like pumpkin bread.
1:57
I don't like pumpkin pie and I am not getting
1:58
a pumpkin spice latte. I don't know how pumpkin
2:02
took over the whole world. Um, I think pumpkins
2:04
are cute, but I'm just not gonna eat or drink
2:07
anything with that flavor. Anyways, that's not
2:11
what's out, but I am gonna jump into that right
2:14
now. So what's out? This is my quick rant, even
2:17
though I just went on a quick rant about pumpkins.
2:21
Cybertrucks. Sorry if you own one, but truly
2:24
I just think that I can't trust that a single
2:26
southern person should or would own one. They
2:29
have to be like the ugliest thing I've ever seen.
2:32
Now, if they flew through the air like Cars and
2:34
the Jets did, then I would reconsider my judgment.
2:38
But they don't. I've actually never even seen
2:40
one pull a trailer, so it's kind of useless too.
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I also just find them unattractive. I've never
2:46
looked at one and thought, that's a cute car.
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I know people who do find them cool and cute
2:50
and I think those people are crazy. I do. I'm
2:53
so glad though that none of my friends drive
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one of those. I can't imagine trying to get in
2:58
it with them. I would be happy to drive every
3:01
single time. Every single time. And we all know
3:03
I hate driving. So yeah, I'd be like, you know
3:05
what? Forget about it. Let's take my car instead
3:06
because I would not want to be seen in public
3:08
in a Cybertruck. Honestly, if my friends did
3:11
own one, I would have to consider ending that
3:13
friendship based on bad taste and poor decisions.
3:17
Speaking of ending friendships, I think I have
3:20
to break up with a friend y 'all. Sometimes,
3:23
I think friend breakups are worse than relationship
3:25
breakups. Ugh. Like, I really just don't even
3:29
know what to do. Here's the thing. I'm loyal
3:31
to a fault, which I'm sure many of us could say
3:33
the same. And when I love, I love deeply. Romantic
3:37
partners, families, friends. And I think that's
3:40
just why it takes me a while to let people in,
3:42
because once I do, you better be around for the
3:45
long call. But breakups do happen, unfortunately.
3:49
Life would be so much easier if we all could
3:51
just be good humans, but alas, we're just humans
3:54
by nature. I used to be a big fan of sticking
3:58
it out, thick or thin. You're in the valley,
4:00
I'm in the valley with you. You're on top of
4:02
the mountain, I'm cheering you on. But when is
4:05
enough enough? Whenever I think about my friendships,
4:08
I hear my mom's voice in the back of my head
4:10
saying, show me your friends and I'll show you
4:13
who you are. Like, do I want to be known or associated
4:16
with that person I'm friends with? Do I want
4:18
to be known as an extension of them or them being
4:22
known as an extension of myself? Am I overthinking
4:25
this? Probably. I overthink most things. I don't
4:29
know what's harder, being broken up with though
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or the one doing the breaking up. How do we know
4:34
if we need to break up with a friend? Now, you
4:36
might think I'm being dramatic with this conversation
4:39
and maybe you've never been through a friend
4:41
breakup, even though, statistically speaking,
4:43
you should have. By the time you graduate college,
4:46
the average person only keeps up to 35 % of their
4:49
previous friendships going all the way back to
4:52
childhood. And I think I have kept only one person
4:55
going all the way back to childhood. Truly. That's
4:57
it. I got the one. So, why do I think I need
5:00
to break up with my friend? Actually, a very
5:03
long time, often referred to as one of my closest
5:06
and oldest friends. Unfortunately, this friend
5:09
made a life choice that not only do I not agree
5:12
with, but goes against my core values as a person.
5:15
On top of that, I don't even know if what they
5:18
confess to me is the truth or a lie, or all the
5:21
other stories that followed that confession as
5:23
well. I got dumped on, y 'all. The truth supposedly
5:28
came out and not only the truth, but everything
5:31
else that could possibly follow it. I won't go
5:33
too into the details, but what they confessed
5:36
to me is that they've been having an affair with
5:38
a married man. But here's the thing, when they
5:40
told me this, I quickly assured them that I don't
5:43
judge them for it, but that they had to break
5:45
it off ASAP. They said that they would and that
5:49
they did, but something in my gut just tells
5:51
me it wasn't the truth. In fact, a lot has not
5:54
been adding up to the truth, and one thing's
5:57
for sure is you can never trust a liar. As my
5:59
friend Caitlin with the C says, a murderer will
6:02
murder you, a thief will steal from you, and
6:05
a cheater will cheat you, but you can never trust
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a liar. As much as I believe in carrying each
6:10
other's burdens, as Paul says in Galatians 6
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-2, I don't think he meant it in this way. Sure,
6:16
I, or better yet, we, can show up for each other,
6:19
and encourage each other in our walk of faith,
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but that's if we have repentance. We need help
6:24
carrying a heavy load, or maybe a helping hand,
6:27
to pull you along or push you forward, or maybe
6:29
lower you through a roof to get healed. Then
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that's what we do, we show up. But, what if your
6:34
friend isn't repentive? What if your friend lies,
6:38
just wants the shock value, wants pity, just
6:40
wants attention, is purposely messy, aka toxic?
6:45
Now, I don't fully blame my friend for the affair.
6:48
At the end of the day, they aren't married, and
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the married man is, so he is the one who should
6:53
and will be held accountable. But I do think
6:56
an affair is sinning and hurting other people,
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and if you participate in that, then you're participating
7:02
in sin. And you know our culture loves to give
7:05
out participation trophies, but we aren't meant
7:07
for this culture or this world. You can end a
7:10
friendship in one of two ways. Ghosting, which
7:12
is our generation's preferred way of doing things,
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or let them know you're ending it and why. Truthfully,
7:19
I've never found anything in the bible saying
7:21
what and how we should end friendships, so I
7:24
try to do it based on the person, our relationship,
7:27
and the why. In a situation like this though...
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especially them being a Christian, I've tried
7:33
to handle it how the Bible says, which is call
7:35
out the sin. If they don't repent, bring a trusted
7:38
friend into it. If they still don't repent, bring
7:40
a church leader into it. I've done one, two,
7:43
and now it's time for step three, but I don't
7:45
feel like I can do step three without proof of
7:48
them lying to me. Ugh, these are messy bits of
7:51
life and I, for one, so do not enjoy them. Anyways,
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this is a weight I didn't offer to carry. And
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I wasn't asked. It was just thrusted upon me.
8:01
Sharing burdens is to make the burden easier
8:04
on the person originally carrying the full weight,
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with the intention to ease it and release it
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one day. Not for you to take on the same amount
8:11
of weight and just carry it around for the rest
8:13
of your life. And I am not the type of person
8:16
to carry around something for the rest of my
8:19
life. Jesus did that for me with the cross. Can
8:22
I get an amen? Anyways, back on track. I think
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We all have friends or should have friends that
8:28
help lighten our burdens. The things that weigh
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us down and hold us back. We have friends that
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ask to take on challenges with you, offer to
8:35
walk through valleys with you, speak truth and
8:37
life into you, and I hope that you do the same
8:40
for them. But what about the friends that might
8:44
be a good friend? A decent friend, but not a
8:46
great friend. The friends that we love or have
8:49
history with, maybe trauma bonded with over a
8:52
job, but they aren't necessarily someone you
8:55
would want to be seen as an extension of you.
8:57
Last year, I did have to end a friendship. It
9:00
was a girl I thought I vibed with well. Whenever
9:02
I wanted to do something, she was always down.
9:05
She was cool and had what I thought was chill
9:08
vibes. Turns out, I was wrong. This girl was
9:11
a liar and conniving. She lied about everything
9:14
and anything. She'd say anything to get you on
9:17
her side or to have you feel bad for her. She
9:20
tried to turn every one of my friends that she
9:22
met against me in just the short few months I
9:25
knew her, but thankfully I have some really good
9:28
friends. She did turn one friend against me and
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I have not spoken to him since, but I think that
9:35
if you don't see my character and you believe
9:37
someone you just met a few months prior about
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who I am, then that says a lot more about you
9:42
than me. Now, this girl though, she even started
9:45
to dress like me and told me she would say things
9:47
to other people or handle situations how she
9:50
thought I would handle it. Needless to say, after
9:53
talking to my therapist, I learned she was trying
9:56
to be me. I felt like she was trying to take
9:58
over my life and I really thought I was going
10:01
crazy. I though, as an empathetic person, felt
10:06
sympathy for everything she told me. I told her
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I was here for her. I'd walk with her through
10:10
the hard parts. I'd help her carry her weight.
10:13
Then I went to see her on the mountaintop, overcoming
10:16
everything she'd been through. But little did
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I know that almost everything she had told me
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had been a lie. Little did I know she saw a life
10:24
she wanted and it was mine, and she thought it
10:27
was hers for the taking. Never in my life did
10:30
I think I was that cool. Cool enough for someone
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to want to be me so bad that they dress like
10:34
me, talk like me, and try and turn my own friends
10:37
against me. But, for a while, I excused all of
10:42
that. Until I found out what a liar she was,
10:45
and unfortunately for her, I knew by then you
10:47
could never trust a liar. So what did I do? I
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cut her out. Adios. Goodbye. I didn't need that
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in my life, and I wouldn't continue to put my
10:56
friends in that situation either. But again,
10:58
by then, we had already lost one friend to her
11:01
lies, and as much as we tried to recover that
11:03
friendship, all of us decided to just let it
11:05
be. I've cut people out of my life for less.
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Best believe. For the disrespect they show me,
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through their words or their actions, or because
11:13
of how they treat other people. I swear, most
11:16
of my non -Jesus knowing friends live by higher
11:19
morals than my believing friends do. Look. I
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know we have control over our own emotions and
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no one can make us feel any certain type of way.
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I basically just preached about it slash ranted
11:30
about it in the boundaries episode of this podcast.
11:33
But I also know that I'm someone who likes to
11:36
live my life in light. I like for all to see
11:39
my cracks and flaws. And I feel when I'm asked
11:42
to keep secrets or watch people I'm associated
11:45
associated with treated poorly or treat others
11:48
poorly, that I'm proclaiming that I accept that.
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I'm okay with that. That I have no issue with
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it. But for me, the truth is, I don't accept
11:57
it. I'm not okay with it and I very much have
12:00
an issue with it. I knew a guy, wasn't friends
12:03
with him, and made that very clear to everyone
12:05
around me that I was not friends with him and
12:08
did not ever want to be seen as friends with
12:11
him when we were out at the same bars and the
12:15
same group of people because I was really scared,
12:18
not like not like scary scared, but like fearful
12:21
that people would think that I was okay with
12:23
him and how he worked through life. This guy
12:27
would talk poorly about women and to women. He
12:30
would talk poorly to his friends and about his
12:32
own friends. And he would say the n -word. And
12:35
he was a bald white man. So like calm down, dude.
12:39
You're bald. Even your hair doesn't want to be
12:41
around you. I couldn't stand the idea of someone
12:44
mistaking me as being friends with him and it's
12:47
because I was against who he was as a person
12:49
and his morals. So, if I can hold an acquaintance
12:53
to my standards of what I'm willing to be around,
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how could I not do the same with some of my closest
12:58
friends? That guy is out of my life officially
13:02
as of this year. My friend is no longer friends
13:05
with him or roommates with him. Thank you, Jesus.
13:08
That girl is out of my life as of last year.
13:11
And any weight or burden I chose to carry through
13:15
those two relationships because of their public
13:17
or personal behavior and how it affected those
13:20
around me and myself is now lifted. I felt like
13:23
I could breathe again. Have you ever had a friendship
13:26
suck the life out of you? The problem didn't
13:28
lie with the lack of boundaries. It lied with
13:30
how they affected your mental, emotional, or
13:33
spiritual health. Maybe they were always competing
13:35
with you. They always have to one up you. Maybe
13:38
they don't respect your religion or core values.
13:41
Maybe they lie to you. Maybe they only use you
13:44
to trauma dump on. Whatever it is, is that friendship
13:47
serving you? Is history holding you together
13:50
or are you trauma bonded? Do you feel guilty
13:53
about the idea of breaking up with them or relieved
13:55
at the thought of it? Maybe both. Do you feel
13:58
like you owe them your friendship? If so, I'm
14:01
just curious. Why? I've been friend dumped before.
14:05
At the time, I was in disbelief as to why. And
14:09
now I still find the reason why funny, but I'm
14:13
no longer hurt by it. Let me tell you the story.
14:16
When I lived in SoCal, I met a girl through my
14:18
church and she was a few years older than me,
14:20
but I thought she was so cool and wanted to be
14:23
friends with her. And I was already friends with
14:25
almost everyone else she was friends with in
14:27
the group. We hung out when the group would get
14:29
together, crack jokes, have the most random conversations.
14:33
Now mind you, this was an OC girl, born and raised,
14:37
so when I tell you this was the most SoCal conversation
14:39
I ever had, it really was. Okay, so she asked
14:43
me to get coffee to talk and I was at the time
14:45
so down and excited. I even told my best friend
14:48
Krista, I'm getting coffee with her. I can't
14:50
wait. This is the first time we've hung out one
14:52
on one. I hope it goes well. We met at one of
14:54
my favorite coffee shops in OC. It's called Daydream.
14:58
Wait, side note, Daydream is the cutest coffee
15:01
shop ever. If you're ever in Orange County, California,
15:04
you have to go. It is like coffee shop goals.
15:08
It's light, modern, meets beachy surfer vibes.
15:11
The staff are always the nicest people. They
15:13
have like this little vintage market and surfboard
15:16
shop in the back where they sell things and the
15:19
coffee, ugh. Amazing. Every time I go back to
15:23
Orange County, I always buy a bag of beans and
15:26
I get a coffee there every single day. Sorry,
15:29
back to the story. So we met at Daydream and
15:32
she says, Thanks for meeting me today. And I
15:34
was like, yeah, girl, I'm so excited. I've been
15:37
wanting to hang out with you. She's like, yeah,
15:40
I really prayed before coming in because I just
15:43
don't know how to tell you this. I just feel
15:46
like our Myers -Briggs just don't align. I've
15:49
done some research and your letters or numbers,
15:53
whatever it was at the time, because she was
15:55
obsessed with personality tests, they just don't
15:57
align with mine. And it just shows that we're
15:59
bound to not be friends. Like we're bound to
16:01
have a lot of conflict and it's just not, I just
16:04
don't think it's a good move if we stay friends.
16:05
So I wanted to meet with you to kind of just
16:08
end the friendship here so we can end on a good
16:10
note. I was shooketh, shooketh. I said, oh, okay,
16:16
interesting. Do you feel like I've done anything
16:19
personal to you? And she's like, no, no, no,
16:21
actually, like you're a much deeper person than
16:24
I thought you were. Like you have a lot more
16:25
depth to you than I originally thought. And I
16:29
admire you a lot. I really enjoy our conversations.
16:32
And when we hang out, I feel like we have a good
16:33
time in the group. But again, like our letters
16:36
just don't align and we aren't really like destined
16:39
to be friends. It's just we're expecting a lot
16:42
of conflict, so I just wanted to go ahead and
16:44
cut it off now so that we don't have that issue
16:46
in the future. When I got home to Krista, she
16:51
asked me and I said, you will not believe what
16:52
just happened. She ended our friendship. She
16:55
just ended our friendship like that over the
16:58
fact that whatever my letter or number was did
17:02
not, was not supposed to align with hers and
17:05
make a good friendship. I... Couldn't believe
17:08
it. I was in disbelief. But again now we laugh
17:11
We all laugh when we think back on it cuz it
17:13
was so funny. It was the most Orange County conversation
17:17
I'd ever had with somebody and I think I'd only
17:20
been there for a year at that point when she
17:23
did this Anyways, it was a wild time So, um,
17:29
did it hurt when she ended our friendship? Yeah,
17:32
it sucked cuz I thought she was this cool older
17:35
girl I really wanted to be friends with um was
17:38
i in disbelief as to why also yes but that's
17:43
okay i have no hard feelings towards her and
17:47
i wish her the best in life and now it's just
17:49
a funny story to tell my clients when i'm in
17:52
the salon if they ask me what it was like living
17:55
in california so not that you asked but do i
17:59
think we should end any friendship that's not
18:01
serving us absolutely not Sometimes our friendships
18:05
might be as dry as the desert for a season, but
18:07
it doesn't mean you should dump that friend.
18:09
We all go through growing pains and seasons of
18:12
stillness. I do think that in 1 Corinthians 15
18:16
33 when it says do not be deceived, bad company
18:19
ruins good morals, it's making a good case in
18:22
point as to why you should end a friendship.
18:25
If the person you're hanging out with affects
18:27
your morals at the end of the day in a negative
18:30
manner, then why would you stay friends with
18:32
them if it's changing the way you believe in
18:35
your core values for the negative why would you
18:38
stay friends with them and i also can't help
18:42
but agree with proverbs 27 17 when it says as
18:46
iron sharpens iron so a man sharpens the countenance
18:49
of a friend if a friend can sharpen your countenance
18:52
then they can sharpen your character too I think
18:56
friend breakups suck, no matter which end you're
18:59
on and why. It could be for a good reason or
19:02
a kind of silly reason, like your numbers in
19:06
the, what is it called, Myers -Briggs, I'm not
19:09
sure. I'm gonna make someone really angry by
19:11
not knowing and I'm so sorry. But yeah, it could
19:15
be for that type of silly -ish reason. I think
19:19
that we work through a lot in friendships. We
19:22
help each other grow, but I think we also can
19:25
cheer each other on from a distance. You don't
19:27
have to be holding their hand up tight and close
19:30
in a relationship to cheer someone on. You can
19:33
do that from a loving space and a very good distance
19:38
as well. That we, I don't think we have to have
19:41
such close personal ties, even if we have years
19:44
of history. I think if a friendship is holding
19:47
you down or back, emotionally, mentally, morally,
19:51
or spiritually, then it's time to let it go.
19:53
And I hope that if you've been looking for a
19:55
sign, that this is it. Dear Jesus, I ask that
19:59
if someone needs to end a friendship, that is
20:02
stalling their character and giving them bad
20:05
morals, that you would give them the strength
20:07
to do so. If they're unsure and they're looking
20:10
for a sign that this friendship isn't bringing
20:13
them closer to closer to you and it's not serving
20:17
them well and that it won't be serving them well
20:20
in the future, that you would give them discernment
20:22
and wisdom in that situation and how to handle
20:25
it that will bring honor and glory to you. I
20:28
ask that we seek friends, actually. I ask that
20:31
you remind us that when we empty a space, a space
20:33
will be filled with someone new. I thank you
20:36
for the friends that we have and the encouragement
20:38
that we have. I thank you for the verses in the
20:40
Bible you give us when it comes to handling friendships
20:43
and what to look for in friends, and I ask that
20:46
whoever is listening to this, that this is their
20:48
sign to end their friendship, or this is their
20:51
encouragement to not end their friendship and
20:53
keep going. That they see that their friend on
20:55
the other end is so worth holding onto, and that
20:59
there's an outcome for them and for you out of
21:02
love at the end of this. I thank you for walking
21:05
with us in our journey every day. leading and
21:08
guiding us, and that we are never alone when
21:11
we're with you. And in Jesus' name, amen. Okay,
21:24
so I know this was a heavy episode. I hope that
21:26
it gave you clarity if you're struggling with
21:29
the idea of letting go of a friendship or if
21:31
you need to keep it. I also hope you found some
21:34
laughs in there or maybe some aha moments to
21:37
get you through the day. Well, that's all I have
21:40
for you. Thank you so much for listening to the
21:42
Living Freed podcast. Let's get connected on
21:45
Instagram at HannahLizD or email me at livingfreedpod
21:48
at gmail .com. If you're loving the podcast,
21:51
I'd be so honored if you go ahead and hit that
21:54
subscribe button and leave me a review. If you
21:57
have any feedback or a subject you'd like me
21:59
to cover, please go ahead and email or DM me
22:02
on Instagram. Again, thank you so much for listening.
22:05
I hope you feel encouraged and lighter today.
22:07
Bye y 'all.