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How to Heal Trauma Through Mind Body Connection · Trauma Free Relationship

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Welcome to Trauma Free Relationship.
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On this episode we're going to discuss how the mind body
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connection actually helps us heal trauma.
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If you've ever felt like your body shuts down, or your heart
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races, or you can't seem to trust even when you want to,
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then this episode is for you. By the end, you'll understand
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one how the body stores relational trauma, that mind
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body connection. You'll understand how your
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nervous system shapes your attachment patterns.
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And most importantly, learn how reconnecting to your body helps
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rebuild trust and safety in the relationship.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
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I'm your host, Tom Phillip and I've worked for years with
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adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
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trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
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safe and secure relationship. Let's get started.
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OK, as I mentioned in the opening, we're going to talk
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about this mind body connection and how it helps us heal trauma.
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You've probably heard me mention a lot on this show how much
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meditation can be helpful and how it helps connect our mind to
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our body. This goes with something like
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Tai chi, yoga, anything like that.
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Results have shown over and over and over how important important
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it is that if you have passed relational complex or attachment
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trauma, being able to engage your body and your healing
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process is really important. And part of that is because
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attachment is not just an emotional process.
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Attachment is actually a neurobiological process.
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Our brain gets wired in and through our interactions.
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Obviously, this is most significant when we are
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youngest, the first two years of our life O having a family
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that's able to meet our attachment needs, that's
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available and responsive, that allows us to be in connection
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when we need it, but also have our autonomy and our distance
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when we need it, save for self play or to give us some space
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when we say no. As a child, those types of
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things are extremely important for wiring our brain and for
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allowing us to be able to regulate and learn how to
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regulate our own emotions. And so when we talk about
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attachment, we're not just talking about something that
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feels good when we feel close or connected to another person.
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We're talking literally about a neurobiological connection.
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And when that happens, that means it engages our entire
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body, not just our mind. It's not just a thought
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exercise. It's not just a conceptual thing
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that we understand. It literally engages our entire
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body, and our nervous system learns how to scan for safety,
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and it learns very quickly how to recognize danger.
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And this is part of the neurobiological process.
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We are wired for safety. We're not necessarily wired for
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happiness. We're not necessarily wired for
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success. We're wired for safety.
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And hands down, above anything else, our body and our brain
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strives to keep us safe. And so recognizing that and
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recognizing that when that safety has been compromised in
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our relationships, that that automatically that rewires our
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brain and it rewires it through a trauma response.
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So now we are much more hyper vigilant to ways that we might
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not be safe to environments, areas or people that might not
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be able to keep us safe. And so understanding the
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detachment is in neurobiological, it engages the
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body. So our brain, our nervous system
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and our central nervous system actually comes right down
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through our spine and it has these tentacles, if you will, to
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go into our legs and into our arms.
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And so our entire attachment system is embodied as we say
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it's, it's in our body. And that's really important to
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be able to understand when we talk about this mind body
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connection. So chronic stress from unsafe
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relationships keeps the body in survival mode.
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So when we have past attachment, relational complex trauma, what
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happens is it literally rewires our body so that we we are just
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sort of that on switch in survival mode is constantly on.
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In other words, we're kind of constantly in fight or flight.
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Our body never really learns how to go back to its resting state
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prior to trauma. What this means is that the body
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holds the memory of relational danger through the tension,
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numbness, shut down, or even hyper vigilance.
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So again, our body never learns to reset to where it was.
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It's rewired to keep us safe. And if you think your your way,
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if you think about safety, you can't think your way into
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safety. You actually have to feel it in
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your body. So we can think about, well,
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this person is safe for me. But how does your body respond?
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Does your body respond with a person being safe?
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Or does your body actually send you danger signals, but you're
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wanting to override that? You're wanting to feel safe.
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I had a colleague years ago that I took to an attachment training
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and afterwards it really changed very much the way she saw her
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relationship she was currently in.
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And she ended up getting out of that relationship.
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And my understanding of it was she just didn't feel completely
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safe with that person. And I'm not talking about she
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felt like she was in physical danger or that he was abusive or
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anything like that. There was just something about
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that relationship that never allowed her to feel completely
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safe. And she was able to recognize
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that, not because it was a thought experiment, not because
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she intellectualized it, but because she was able to feel
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that in and through her body. So our body is is very
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responsive to our trauma. It's very responsive to keeping
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us safe and to identifying us or giving us cues when we're not
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safe. And as I said, we can't think
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our way into safety. We have to feel it in our body.
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This is difficult at times for the more avoidance style of
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attachments. Why?
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Because often they are cut off from their body.
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Often they have shut down their attachment needs because there
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was nobody there to meet them in the first place, but primarily
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to because they turned off their attachment needs.
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They're not embodied anymore, so they don't often get the same
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kind of signals. The signal they get is the
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emotional cut off, and they need to be more aware of when they're
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not feeling something or when they feel numb or when they feel
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frozen in order to be able to respond.
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That's different than to say, and a more anxious attachment
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style is going to feel or get cues from their body that
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they're not safe. It's totally different.
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So a more anxious style is going to have maybe a flood of
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emotions and they are going to actually, it would be more
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difficult for them to be able to separate out what they're
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feeling to get to the root of the problem, to recognize the
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core, the core trauma that's been triggered in that situation
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because they can be so flooded or overwhelmed with so much
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emotion. And so those are two different
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ways of actually responding to this, this mind body connection
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when we have trauma. But let's let's pivot for a
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moment. Let's talk about when you're
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disconnected from your body. So what does that kind of feel
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like? How do you how might you know if
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you've been disconnected or you or you get dysregulated?
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Well, the first way is you might feel cut off, as I've mentioned,
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from your emotions or your body sensations.
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This happens a lot when I'm working with more avoidance
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styles where I will ask them, you know how?
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What do you feel? Well, I feel sad.
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OK, where do you feel that in your body?
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I don't feel it in my body. I feel it in my head.
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Well, that's not you're not really.
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How do you know you're feeling sad then?
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Well, I think I should be sad in this situation.
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OK, well, that makes sense. So you think you should be sad,
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but you're not actually feeling that sadness resonate in your
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body. So helping them be able to
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recognize those feelings that actually might show up.
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So when they say they're sad, it's because their heart might
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feel heavy or they might just feel like their whole bodies
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just pulling down maybe towards the floor.
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That kind of feeling a, a real warmness in the chest that,
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that, that feels morose or something along those lines.
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Being able for them to get in touch with their body that way
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is really important for them to be able to be more embodied in
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their feelings. Again, overthinking or analyzing
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instead of feeling. Feeling frozen or shut down
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during conflict. Difficulty trusting your
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instincts. This is huge.
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This is huge. This is why my little mantra
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that I talked about at the beginning of the show, you know,
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I've worked for decades helping adults who struggle with
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relational trauma to regain trust in themselves.
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Because one of the hallmarks is that it, it a trauma disconnects
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us from our body and we often don't be able to draw on our own
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instincts. Our gut betrays us.
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We begin to think, oh, well, that's my instinct, but I've
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been betrayed in the past. I don't know if I can trust
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that. And so we often don't trust our
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own body and our own feelings. And then finally, you know, how
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do we know we're disconnected from our body?
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We we feel unsafe even when there's nothing wrong.
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I remember a time specifically where I was talking to one of my
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patients and asking her, you know, do you feel safe in your
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body? And, and the speed at which this
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person replied was just a stunning to me.
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Oh, no, absolute. I never feel safe in my own
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body. I mean, it was so adamant for
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them to answer that question that they knew immediately what
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the answer was and they didn't hesitate.
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Oh no, I never feel safe in my body.
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And so not even being able to feel at rest, at peace or safe
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in your own body can be very difficult and often cue you into
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how you might be disconnected from from your body as well.
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So let's, let's pivot again. Let's talk about, OK, we've,
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we've outlined some ways that we might feel disconnected or
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disembodied, if you want to call it that.
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Now let's talk about what is the benefit of actually trying to
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get more in touch with our body and be able to feel our feelings
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in and through our body. What is the body's role in
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healing? Well, the the first role is that
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it helps us regulate and Co regulate when we can feel our
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emotions in and through our body, we're better able to
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identify what we're truly feeling.
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And secondly, we're better better able to regulate that and
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self soothe. Secondly, we can Co regulate
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better if I can communicate to my partner I'm feeling sad and I
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can hold that feeling in my body long enough that it actually
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comes through my tone of voice, eye contact, or my attuned
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presence with my partner. They're going to pick up the
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fact that I feel sad and they're not going to see my anger or a
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secondary emotion, or they're not going to see me laughing off
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my sadness of this as if it's no big deal and deflecting or
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denying that feeling. I'm able to hold that feeling in
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my body long enough that it shows up outwardly so that my
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partner can respond to it and help me regulate better.
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So self regulation as well as Co regulation are two extremely
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important roles that being embodied in our feelings plays
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in our life. Because self regulations all
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about being able to be grounded and, and and being able to be
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aware of what's happening and again, rebuilding that trust in
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ourselves. I can trust my own bodies
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responsive and if they're sending me queues of danger, I
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can trust that. I can also trust it when they're
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sending me queues that I'm safe. And I can differentiate between
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the two at times. And so regulation and Co
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regulation are extremely important in ways that our body
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helps us actually heal. Another reason?
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It helps us rebuild trust. Slow, mindful breathing to
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signal safety to the nervous system helps us build trust.
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Placing a hand on our heart and naming what we feel helps us
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rebuild trust. Tracking sensations instead of
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suppressing them helps us build trust.
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And movement or or shaking the release of stored energy in our
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body can help us rebuild trust in ourselves.
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It helps us rebuild that we are not a stranger in our own body.
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And those are vital in US eventually being able to rebuild
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trust with others as well. So how do we begin to rebuild
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trust in our body? How do we become more embodied
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or increase this mind body connection?
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Well, as we always start with anything, we've got to become
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aware. And so we have to be able to
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notice cues before we react. We have to be embodied, to put
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it another way. So awareness equals choice.
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When we become aware of something, we now are empowered
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to have a better choice. And when we feel that tension or
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anxiety in our stomach and we're aware of that, then now we've
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got a choice. We've got a choice to trace that
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anxiety back to something. Is this a cue that I'm feeling
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unsafe? Is this a danger cue?
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Is this a cue that I'm anxious about something bad happening
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but I don't know what it is? Which is the hallmark of of
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anxiety? It's a fear that's that is not
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founded, meaning you can't point to the origin of why you're
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scared. It's just sort of a global fear
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that something bad might happen. So am I able to resonate with
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that? Do I notice when I start getting
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angry and it's like a thermometer gauge and I can sort
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of feel the temperature rising? Can I feel it when it's low
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enough to stop and breathe and check in on myself and do
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something to help regulate myself better in that moment?
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Or do I go from zero to 100 and I completely miss it?
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And so I only recognize I'm angry when I'm actually
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screaming and yelling or raising my voice.
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And, and so being able to recognize and, and be aware of
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those cues our body is sending to us and trusting those cues
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that our body sends. One of the ways we can do this
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is we can we can learn techniques for staying grounded.
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So when we start to feel these cues in our body doing the the
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446 breathing techniques, breath work is very important.
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One of them that I really like, that always sort of helps me
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reset my body a little bit is the 446.
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You inhale for a count of four through your nose, you hold it
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for the count of four, and then you exhale for the count of 6.
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And what this does essentially is it turns on your sympathetic
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nervous system as you're breathing in, and it turns off
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your sympathetic nervous system and turns on your
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parasympathetic nervous system and helps your body actually
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relax when you're breathing out. And so if you do that a few
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times, you might even be able to pick up, oh, I can feel in my
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body this significant change. This actually feels really,
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really good. And so doing some breath work to
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stay grounded in those moments can help you actually get in
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better touch with your body. What does my body feel like when
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it's tense or anxious? And what does my body feel like
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when it's relaxed? Being able to understand those
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is really important. So here's a couple of exercises
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you can try, some actionable steps.
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So one is you can start your day with just doing somebody.
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Check insurance. What do I feel and what do I
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need? What am I feeling in my body
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right now? What is my body saying?
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You can journal from your body's perspective.
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Today during the situation my body felt blank.
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My body felt anxious, my body felt tense, my body felt sad or
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you know, low or my body felt blank.
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I felt nothing during this. I think I should have felt
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something in this situation. My partner was telling me I'm on
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thin ice and that they may divorce me and all of a sudden I
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just went completely numb. I think I should be feeling
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something other than numb in that situation or something
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along those lines so you could journal.
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My body is saying this to me after conflict.
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A soothing your nervous system before analyzing the situation
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can be really helpful. Being able to practice Co
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regulation daily. Can I reach out and touch my
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partner or give them a hug or make eye contact or let myself
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be fully present with my partner?
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And does that help my body calm down?
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You can treat your body as an ally in healing, not as an
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enemy. So your body is not something
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you're trying to defeat, get past, or get over or move on
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from. It is actually your ally in
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being able to heal trauma. And I want you to really try to
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shift your mindset about how your body plays a role in being
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able to help you heal your trauma.
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Some people would go so far as to say you can't heal trauma
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without engaging your body. And I think there's a lot of
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evidence to suggest that. There's a lot of evidence to
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suggest that being able to really heal trauma is a return
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to safety in your body. So there's just a couple of
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actionable next steps you could take and you could try yourself.
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Do somebody check insurance journal from your body's
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perspective? What is my body saying?
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How did my body react in this moment?
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How can I reach out and let others soothe me and comfort me?
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And do I notice that I feel that in my body?
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Or does that kind of an attempt to let others soothe me, soothe
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me actually create more danger? Because that is possible as
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well. It's possible that through your
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trauma, other soothing Co regulation actually feels
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dangerous. And so that's an obstacle that
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you're going to have to learn how to get over and and take
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some steps to be able to do that.
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And we'll maybe focus on some other time, not in this
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particular podcast, but that would be important to recognize
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that again, awareness here of your body is really going to be
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very important in being able to heal your trauma.
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OK, before we conclude, I want to point to a free resource that
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I've created. It's the relational trauma
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self-assessment. This is something that I've
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attached to the bottom of this podcast.
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You can find it in in the notes down below where I've posted it.
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It's a completely free resource. You can download it.
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It's a quick assessment that can help you learn more about where
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trauma shows up in your life and in your relationships across
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four different areas. 4 significant areas that I've seen
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in all my work with couples and individuals with a complex
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trauma. We also know that that some of
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you may want help implementing some of those changes.
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So there's a calendar attached to the link that you can click
22:53
on and we can have a little 30 minute call.
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We called a clarity call and I'm happy to walk you through the
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results of your assessment and help you focus on where you can
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put your time and energy to get the most out of the assessment.
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And we'll help you build a a three-point plan there as well.
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Now some of you may want further help and we can also discuss our
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coaching program and what that might look like for you.
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But either way, if you want one of those clarity calls, you'll
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walk away with some really actionable, helpful steps in in
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being able to take that assessment.
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So feel free to to download that free resource and I created it
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with you and mind as a way to sort of begin to help you on
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this journey. I want to thank you all for
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listening. Again, my name is Tom Phillip
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and I'm here to remind you to stay grounded, clear, and
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connected.