Latest / Casually Crashing Out / Til Crashout Do Us Part

Transcript

Til Crashout Do Us Part · Casually Crashing Out

• TAYLOR JASON EP3: Welcome, welcome, my mentally unwell mama seetas. I'm Taylor Coker, and you're listening to Casually Crashing Out. Where every crash out deserves a microphone. Where we're saving the world one crash out at a time. Where every sip comes with a side of chaos. Where we're all just surviving adulthood one crash out at a time, am I right? Because life's too Because somebody had to say it. Where overthinking is an Olympic sport and your girl is a three time gold medalist. Where overthinking is an Olympic sport and we're all just competing for the gold. You may not I recently read a quote that read You may not be where you wanna be yet, but remember five years ago you prayed for the life you have today. And I don't know if that resonates with anyone else as much as it resonates with me, but it really just put a lot of things into perspective. I recently I recently read a quote that stated, You may not be where you want to be yet, but remember five years ago you prayed for the life you have today. I don't know about you guys, but that had me a little shook. ⁓ when I think about where I was five years ago, ten years ago, three years ago, I mean, when I think about where I was five years ago, when I think about where I was three years ago, I mean, I'm just it the growth that I have, the growth that I feel like I have. gone through is I mean worth noting, worth celebrating for sure. I'm trying to think of how to word this. I don't know if anyone really knows my story of how I ended up in Kentucky, because most of the time when people ask me, my answer is it's a long story because it truly is a long story. And it's not the kind of story that I can just spew off in casual, lighthearted conversation. So I just leave it at it is a long story. But since you guys are already here, since you guys chose to be here, I figured that I would give you guys the grace ⁓ and the privilege of hearing this long story that I'm gonna make not so long as I'm gonna make as entertaining and fun for you as possible in my Taylor Coker way. ⁓ I moved to Kentucky seven years ago, and I started with a Air mattress on the floor, what whatever would fit in my car and my cat, Kiki. Not many people know I have a cat, by the way. Yes, I have a cat. She exists. She's real. She has been through hell and back with me. she also is fat and she just really only likes me. Which I'm okay with that, but you know, I mean, other people just don't even know I have a cat because she never comes out. Anyways, moving forward. ⁓ so I moved to Kentucky with whatever would fit in my car, my cat, and an air mattress. Moved here and I had got an apartment. It was like six hundred bucks a month. I had gotten a job, serving wait bartending at a restaurant that had just opened downtown. I I knew nobody. I moved here on a whim. ⁓ people ask me why. Why did you do that? You know, what what would bring you here? Who do why would you move to Ashland, Kentucky? There's, you know, you don't know many people who move to Ashland unless you're from Ashland and you move back or, you know, you have family, but that is neither of the case for me. So when I tell them that it is ⁓ my I you know, I just say my husband brought me here, my my husband. And ⁓ is he from here? I'm like, nope, he's not from here. He's not from here either. And they're like, so did he, you know, was he working here? I'm like, nope. He wasn't. W hence why I just say it's a long story. So again, I so I moved to reason I moved to Kentucky was because ⁓ when I was in Florida ⁓ I have to to tell you guys the reason of why I moved moved to Kentucky, I would have to tell you ⁓ the story of me and my husband because my husband is the reason that I moved from Florida to Kentucky a hundred percent. I would never have ended up here if it was not for him. So the story of me and him is very quintessential to it is very important and relevant. So I'm Gonna go ahead and Tell you guys that story. As quickly as I can. I met my husband. I met my husband. Zoe, lay down, baby. I met my husband back when I was 25, standing in line for a beer at a dive bar that I eventually got a job at later on. But I had just gotten off work. I was cutting hair at the time because yes, your girl used to do hair. I did hair actually for a long time. I went to school for hair in Florida. I was a licensed cosmetologist, learning things you never knew about me. See, I was a licensed cosmetologist and I did hair for ⁓ quite a while and I worked at ⁓ a men's haircuttery down there. and I would mind you, I was twenty five. So I would get off work in my uniform because we had to wear like uniforms and we had to dress up as like it was like little referee outfits, you know, ⁓ 'cause it was like sports themed, or like jerseys and and I would get off work with my name tag on and all. And I would go down to the local dive bar on the water and I would just Because I was living my best 25 year old life, obviously. ⁓ and I was waiting in line one of these days and there was this man in front of me, and I remember looking at him and I just remember seeing this star tattoo on his neck, and it was there was like a there was like a guitar in the middle. And I was like looking at his tattoo, and I just remember thinking, Is that supposed to mean rock star? like if so it's brilliant brilliant nonetheless I thought he I thought he was handsome and I remember seeing like the gray in his hair and I just thought to myself because I was 25 at the time ⁓ he's you know he's obviously old Hello. Hello. Hey. Yes, I texted her. Okay. But I'm recording. So I'll call you back in a little bit. I love you. answering. I don't even know what that is. Okay. ⁓ what was I saying? So he was I remember he was very handsome nonetheless. ⁓ his he was very handsome nonetheless. I was young again. So I saw the gray hair and I just thought, ⁓ he's too old for me. There's you know, he's he's he's an old man. Again, I was twenty five. ⁓ but we actually ended up, I don't know how it happened, but we started talking while we were standing there. And then we like made our way out to the picnic table out front and we just sat there and talked for God, I don't even know two, three hours. Me and my husband have always had really good communication. I I don't know what it is about how we communicate, but we even if we're like we fight or we squabble, we don't really fight, we squabble. Even if we fight or we squabble, we are good at even if we can't talk about it right in that moment, later on it will get talked about and we will resolve it always. It always gets resolved. So now we just learn that when we squabble, we kind of just try to stop it because because we know we're just gonna talk about it later and say sorry. So like what's the point, you know? Anyways, so moving forward, we talked for two, three hours. We talked for two hours maybe. We talked for a long time. I mean, I remember we talked until it started getting dark, I felt like. I had to leave or he had to leave. I don't really remember. I think I had to leave, but I was leaving and I got his number or something, maybe. Speaking of the devil, he's texting me. I got his number maybe and ⁓ he He says we hung out again. I don't really remember where that was. He ⁓ but he says we hung out one more time and guys, I was a I was I was a f a wild child flower I was a wild child, okay? I was living my best life. I was, you know, young, adult, had what I thought was a career. I was like cutting hair, thinking, you know, I had my I had just finished cosmetology school. So I had just started working, cutting hair and actually making pretty decent money. Enough money to be able to like pay for my own apartment and stuff. And that's exciting when you're a young adult. So I was just living my best life, doing doing doing young adult things and wasn't really interested in being in any type of relationship, I think, at that point. But ⁓ t some time had gone on and I remember ⁓ I I was kind of in a little bit of a different point in my life at this time. I think I had actually just gotten out of like a a ⁓ somewhat of a relationship. I always I I ended up in a lot of relationships that I don't think were like actual relationships. Like I dated one guy that was in was with another girl for like a year and a half. And half the time I didn't even know it. So but that's not relevant. ⁓ but I I was in a different point in my life, a different era, if you will. And I had started working at that bar where I had met Jason. ⁓ and I was meeting new friends and I was just, you know, doing a lot of self discover, I guess you could call it. and I was hanging out with a different crowd, trying to just like expand my friend group. ⁓ and I was I mean, Again, just living my life. I was I was loving life. L living life and loving life. And we had gone to this place after work. ⁓ she had taken me to this was actually my first bartending job. Just want to say a shout out. But ⁓ I won't name it on here though, because I'm actually barred from there and I can't go there anymore. So they do not deserve a shout out. ⁓ so we go to this Bar, and she tells me that, you know, ⁓ let's go to this bar, so and so's playing music. And I didn't know who either of these people were that were playing. Again, this is a brand new, this is all new to me. But we drive out there and it's after work. It was like a Saturday night. And I get there and I immediately see this man on stage. And he's he's skinny and he's got like this straw cowboy hat on. ⁓ he looks I don't want to say dirty, that's not the word I'm looking for, but he looks like He just looks rough. We'll just say that. He just looks rough. So b very but again, very handsome nonetheless. I mean, he I looked, I I kept looking, if that tells you anything. So I sit down and I just keep kind of staring at him and he's playing this music and My husband has the ability and he's always had this ability and I think it's what makes him such a good musician is he can get he can get people, anyone to feel what he's playing. It takes you when he plays, you you go somewhere else. You feel feelings. He makes you feel things. And I think that's what makes any musician a good musician. Because music for all of us is Yeah. Okay. I'm just gonna hope that's still working. ⁓ so I see this man on stage and he ⁓ I I couldn't even tell you what he was wearing that day. I really let me look in my notes. I think I wrote it down actually. I want to so when it comes to the story, I'm not really good at stories like this because a story of how I met my husband is Okay. So a while back I wrote this and Okay. So we walk into this bar, this neighborhood bar, and there's a lot of neighborhood bars where I'm from, by the way. ⁓ hence why I moved away. It's it's this ⁓ for a such a for such a I just want to say, just because your town has more to do, it does not make it any smaller. It does not make it any bigger. In fact, it makes it smaller. So we ⁓ go into this neighborhood dive bar and we there's two musicians on stage. One I he one I think is like it's And one of them I just can not take my eyes off of from from the moment I walk in. I don't know what it is about him. ⁓ the the way my husband has the ability when he plays music to really make people feel things. And I think that's what makes him such a good musician is he is capable of doing that because a true musician makes you feel things. And that's that's what it's all about with music, I think. And he is that's that's he's so good at that. And I just remember walking in and seeing him and hearing him. And I mean it was almost like he was a siren. I know that sounds really gay, that sounds really cliche, but I mean he was like he captivated me. And I think it was with his music back then, it was even more captivating because There was so much pain wrapped up in that music at that time because he's good at putting his his emotions into his music, which is why people feel it. And I think at that time he was so just I mean, defeated and sad that all of that just went out and showed in his music. And and you could r you just felt that that sadness. You just you felt it and I don't know how else to describe it, but I mean I sat there and watched him play all night. And I asked my friend, I said, Who you know, who is that? And he she she told me who it was. And I was like, I think I know him. I think I've met him before. And he comes over and we start talking, and I'm just, ⁓ so my friend goes up and she's, you know, my friend over there likes you, you know, and I guess he remembers me. And he comes over, starts talking to me. I start realizing that I think I remember him. And, you know, of course, my husband is such a schmoozer. He schmoozed me and he he didn't even have to do anything, really. I was already, I was already. You know, he already had me. But yeah, we just we talked and we laughed. Just the same stuff we did. And we, we just we our our banter, like our our joking and our personalities, we're we're very similar in that aspect. So we both love to laugh. And I think that's what makes us, you know, a really solid found that gives us a solid foundation in our relationship as well, because we both really love to laugh and we both make each other laugh. So, you know, we're talking, hanging out, and I won't go too far into it, but, you know, we were hanging out for quite a while. ⁓ I knew that he was using. I didn't know how bad it was. I also knew that he ⁓ was like sort of homeless. He was he was living with this woman ⁓ who had rented rooms out to like a bunch of other people who were using. And ⁓ I don't know, I don't really know I didn't really understand the dynamic there, but it was just like a party house. And I mean it was one of those things that obviously I knew that this was not good. Obviously, I knew that I shouldn't be with somebody that's actively using. And I mean and it, I mean, if I'm being completely honest, I was being exposed to things that I had never been exposed to. And I think for those wondering, no, I never used with him. I never would use with him. That was n that's that's not my style. ⁓ If anything, he was always trying to hide it from me and he was always trying to cover it up. And ⁓ I think he just really wanted so bad to be normal and live in that normal. And I was reminding him of I think he was trying so hard to run away from anything that was like good for him or solid or stable because of where he was at. And I think when I came into his life it really scared him because we got along so well and I just loved him so hard and he didn't know what to do with that. I I'm I mean, I'm sp I don't want to speak on behalf of him. I'm just saying I think I that's kind of where I what I witnessed. and so yeah, we were together for like a year and a half down in Florida, off and on him using, not using. There was a he had had a job for a little bit and he was sober for a few months, ⁓ three or four months, I think, at one time, and and he just and it ⁓ He was there was one point where he was sober for like a long stretch of time and he had gotten a job, he had gotten a new Harley Davidson, he was doing so well. ⁓ and I mean we we were really I I was thinking, ⁓ this is it. You know, I I he's he's there where this is finally it. And I remember coming home one day and looking at him, and I always knew by his eyes, I always knew that when his like pupils were big. They would l literally cover his whole eye. And I just remember seeing it and I remember my heart just sank. Because I asked him and he said, No, of course not. But I always but I knew. I knew. And I don't even think I said anything to him that night because I was just like I I just wanted to enjoy being with him. But I knew after that night because you know I knew It's not like I didn't like being around him, you know. I when he was using, he was obviously always in a good mood because he was using. But when he wasn't using or when he didn't have it, it was anyways. So I just knew my my heart sank and I just I just knew from that point forward it was it was the beginning of the end for for that. era of our relationship and I Eventually told him to get all his stuff out. I kicked him out. ⁓ I kicked him out many times, but that time was was pretty serious. I kicked him out for real. And all his stuff was on the front porch. He was not allowed to allowed to come in. He ⁓ it was one of those things that I think I just kinda knew. And from that point forward I won't go very deep, but he and I won't go very deep, but next few months was just I mean, a downward spiral. I had kicked him out. He was, you know, had a job, didn't have a job. I I'm not really sure, but he was kinda just he had his Harley that he wasn't paying for and ⁓ I think his bike had gotten He had had his Harley and and at this point it was even worse because now he had his Harley that he wasn't paying for. So he was just doing whatever, everyone still thinking he was sober and I was looking like the crazy one for kicking him out. And that was really hard for me because I had to kinda I I didn't to me, it wasn't worth going around and like bashing him. Like I just wanted to to wipe my hands of it. I was like, I'm I'm just I don't even want to talk about it. I just want to move on. Which is very hard in a small town like that. Especially because we were no like we were very publicly known because of the situation, because of him using for so long, and then us getting together, and then him getting sober and and having this story of recovery and then relapsing again, and then you I mean, it was just it was it was a lot. So at that point I had made the decision. We had talked about him. Towards the end of our relationship after I had kicked him out, he would still try to come home is what he called it. And I I didn't want him there. Again, it was very toxic. And he was still using and you know, addiction is horrible. It's horrible, guys. It d it just totally transformed somebody. I can't even explain it. I mean, he was trying to he would try to come in in the middle of the night and and not to do anything. He just wanted to come in and like lay with me. But I didn't I didn't want him there. And, you know, I because that just messed with me. And I would tell him to get out, leave, you know. He would want to come in, lay with me, and then probably tr see if I'd give him twenty bucks. Like he just, you know, so I told so eventually it got to a point where I was just worried about his own safety. I mean, he was saying he was, you know, I I was I was so It was hard to move on when he was still coming over, still trying to talk to me, you know, and it was just hard because I still really cared about him and I wanted to forgive him and I wanted to just make everything work, but it just wasn't the case. So He had gone to jail a couple times. I I called the cops on him a couple times and he went to jail a couple times. and when he got out, we had had a plan set in place for him to go to rehab in Georgia or in Kentucky. So in Kentucky, there We I packed up all my stuff, my whole trailer, which at this point was destroyed because, you know, my husband who my you know, my Active my inactive addiction boyfriend at the time was essentially using it as a trap house when he was essentially had essentially trashed it and it was it was it was just a lot. And so, I moved out of my trailer and I packed up my whole trailer, ⁓ to the best of my ability, whatever would fit in my Kia. And I took my cat and I took Jason and told my family I was leaving. I told them I was moving to Pittsburgh. And I think I might have even lied to them now that I'm thinking about it. Like I think I told him I was going straight to Pittsburgh, but in reality, I went to Georgia first because I had to drop Jason off at his mom's house. Because the plan was always that I was going to drop him off at his mom's house in Georgia, who, mind you, he hadn't really had much of a relationship with up until that point because of him using because of his act of addiction. And so I was going to Drop him off there. I was gonna spend the holidays with them. And then I was gonna go to Pittsburgh because I didn't want to be alone in I didn't want to be alone for the holidays. What's in Pittsburgh, you ask? I had a best friend at the time who I was who I relied on a lot. She she was my sole support system really through this Jason thing. And she was one of my sole, she was one of my big support systems. And she had just found out that her dad. Had cancer, and so she was moving back to Pittsburgh. And she told me, Come with me. I have an apartment. You can stay there. You'll have a job. Get away from here just for a little bit. You know, start over. That way you don't have to be here. And honestly, it it I just I know me. And as terrifying as it was, I knew I could not stay there. I knew I could not stay in in Florida because of everything that had happened. I mean, my trailer that I had lived in at the time was trashed. You know, me and Jason had this toxic, toxic relationship where he was in and out of using and, you know, just it th th the trailer was trashed. I couldn't stay there. I couldn't, I could not stay in Florida. It mentally it would not have been good for me. The relationship I had with my family at that point was almost non-existent because they were so angry with me about the Jason situation. and then here I am taking him to rehab and helping him, and here I am moving away in attempts to get him into rehab. ⁓ and then here I am moving away. So I I say, okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna take you to rehab. I'm gonna okay, I'm gonna take you to your mom's. Your mom's gonna get you to rehab. And then I'm gonna be in Pittsburgh. The the program that he was going in was I think the it it went all the way up to like a year or something. It was like a year program, but that was kind of like our our plan was to Do that. And he, when we got to Georgia, somehow had found a way to start using again. And that's where he's originally from, by the way. I don't know why I didn't figure that he would, but he started using again. And I knew it. And I'm already stressed out. I'm having to literally lie to my family, acting like I'm in Pittsburgh when I'm not, telling, you know. Everyone the ⁓ I mean I I was having phone calls with my mom acting like I just went out to eat with Kylie when in reality I just had a huge argument with Jason because I found out that he's using again. And he's saying, I'm not, I'm not. And then on top of it, you know, his family doesn't believe me because they're like, How would he be using? He's, you know, he's here. I'm like, ⁓ my god. Like Whatever, don't believe me. I was like, whatever. And again, just wanted to wipe my hands clean. I said, you know what? He's y'all's problem now. I'm leaving. So I did not spend the holidays with him. I ended up packing up all of my stuff. I think I might have spent cr I might have spent Thanksgiving, I'm not sure, but I packed up all of my stuff and I went to Pittsburgh. And I was like, it it he's y'all's problem now. And I got to Pittsburgh. ⁓ It was what I needed in that moment. Yes, I needed a friend there to just be there for me. But I will say that I don't think that I realized that she was going through her own stuff with her dad. And and, you know, she had just left her whole life in Florida too, that she had built. So she was sad. She was trying to get over a breakup of her own. And it was just, you know, I think I just put a lot on her to like be there for me. And she was also working two jobs and it just wasn't fair for me to do that to her. So I felt very alone when I moved up there. And then on to you know, I didn't have a bed. I was sleeping on an air mattress. My cat couldn't come out of the bedroom because she had two cats and they just all just didn't get along. So my cat was literally like l just in her bedroom, in my bedroom all the time. And it was I mean, it it was depressed. Depressing. The fact that I made it through that, I mean, there were things that happened. ⁓ I I won't get too much into everything that happened there, but it was very, very, very, very depressing. Very depressing. ⁓ the fact that I survived that's one of the things that I look back at and think the fact that I got through that just shows how strong I am because I was it was depressing. I remember spending New Year's just like ⁓ god it was so depressing. ⁓ anyways, so after that So but then I re but I also remember that's the first place that I ever saw snow. And it was, I think it was like right might might have been Chris it I think it was like right before Christmas. And I just remember that it made me so happy that everything else that I was sad about or angry about, like I I was just like, ⁓ my God, it's snowing. Like I had never seen it before. It was it was majestic to me. And I don't know, I look at I remember times like that and I just think, God must have knew that I needed that. Like he must have been like, I'm gonna give her. Give her some give her ass some snow. Give her a little dopamine release. ⁓ yeah, so I ended up after that. tried to cut contact with Jason, obviously, did my best, but that's it's hard to do that with someone who you care about. And he would find random numbers to call me off of all the time. My husband is, he's he is persistent, okay? He will figure out a way. He is My husband is resilient. Okay. He will figure out a way. If there's a will, there's a way with him. So he would call me off all the numbers and I would answer. And he would just tell me how much he loves me and he misses me and he's gonna fix it and yada yada yada. ⁓ all the stuff. And I would just be like, okay, you know, whatever. I'm in Pittsburgh. Have fun. so There was one particular day, and then I started getting calls from his mom telling me he's using again. I'm like, ⁓ yeah, that's the one I told you. I told ya. and anyways, so time had rolled on. His mom had started figuring out he was using, obviously, because you can't hide that forever. And I guess I'm not really sure exactly what happened, but he called me one day while I was at work. ⁓ I worked used to work at a sandwich shop in Pittsburgh. And they I he had called me and he said, I'm going to rehab. Like, I'm going. He said, I'm going to rehab. And I was like, ⁓ are you? You know. Really? Which one is it this time? You know? He's like, No, I'm I'm going. He said, My mom's here, Alana's here. Alana is his daughter. And He said they're both here. And ⁓ this woman that he had been hanging out with, this interesting woman that he had been hanging out with, she I guess agreed to take him. I don't know, but ⁓ I told him, I said, Well, I'll meet you. So, anyways, so he said, I'm going. And I said, Well. I guess she had paid one of his friends that he was hanging out with to take him. And ⁓ I said, Well, how about this? I said, How about I meet you at this hotel? Because I knew if I said I would meet him, he would he would be there. I knew if I said, Well, I'll be I'll meet you at this hotel at this time, if which was I think it was the hotel right outside where the rehab was. It was like five hours away from where I was. And I didn't work that night. So I was like, when I get off work, I'm going to literally leave and I'm going to meet you at that hotel. Y'all, I drove five hours when I got off work, drove to this hotel. It was the first time I had seen him in a very long time. It was very sad because he just looked so defeated and so scared. And I just remember I it broke my heart to see him like that. ⁓ lots of emotions that day, honestly, because I knew that if he did this, if I went if I just drove five hours to get him into this rehab and he did it do it, like it was just gonna break me all over again. So I mean I was mad at myself that I even came, but I was like, I just I have to I have to at least see him through into this. Like this is he needs this. For him, not even for us, for him. He needs to get better. And The next morning we woke up. I took him to, I dropped him off. And it was like this beautiful white house and like all this land. There was dogs running around. And there was like this lake. And I just was I felt so good about leaving him there. And I said, ⁓ he's this this is it. I just I I don't know what the feeling was. I just knew I knew it was it. And he got out of the car again, so scared. He walked in. And I know he didn't want to stay. You know, you could tell he didn't want to stay, but he also wasn't asking me to take him with me. So I knew he I knew that he didn't want to stay, but I knew that he need I knew that he was knew that he needed to stay. So he stayed and The first I think week you're in rehab, you really can't talk to anybody. So you can write letters and you can receive letters, but you can't talk to anybody. And so you can write letters, but you can't obviously you're not gonna get a letter in seven days. They said you you don't have you cannot take phone you there's no phone calls, but you can write letters. So after so many days, but you can write letters. So for the first like month we wrote letters. I wrote ⁓ a letter every day, I wanna say. And he said where he stayed he would like pin up all the letters that I wrote him. Which that's how sweet, right? He pinned up all my letters in his rehab bunk. He said he did it when he was in jail too. That's my wife. That's my girl right there. ⁓ He, sorry. So he ⁓ you gotta make light of it sometimes. We wrote each other every single day. ⁓ I still have letters. We, I would go what once the time, I think it was like a month after he was there, I was allowed to go visit him. And or was it a week? I think it was like two weeks after he was there, I was allowed to go visit him or something. There was like a period of time that passed, and I and I went to go see him. And He I said I wanna say it was about a month after I dropped him off, I was allowed to go visit him. There was like visitation times or something. I think it was like two or three weeks after I dropped him off, but I went to go see him and he looked he looked terrible. He looked miserable. He looked like he didn't want to be there. I remember my husband has like this thing on his face or this like skin thing that he that he has when he when ⁓ it's like a like a seasonal like a seasonal change or stress and it's some type of like skin condition, but it flares up at certain times. And I remember at that time it was like flaring, like so his whole face was like red. He he he was ⁓ wearing a bunch of clothes that cause he didn't have any clothes when he got there, so he was wearing a bunch of clothes that the they had given him. He just looked so tired, so defeated. And he just looked, was looking at me. And you know what? I was never more attracted to him than I was in that moment because he was sober. And I knew he was sober and he was doing something about staying sober. And that made me so just like I I loved him more than anything in that moment. I loved him so much. Like I just I I was so happy. I just thought he was the sexiest thing ever that he was doing that. And That kind of same relationship dynamic carried over for the next few months. I would go visit him. We would write letters. We would call each other. I remember on my birthday, I was alone on my birthday, and my roommate had to work. Again, not her fault. We had our own things going on, and I was home alone, laying in bed, watching the office with my cat, and my And I sat on the phone with him all night on my birthday. And he just we watched the off and we fell asleep on the phone and we would wake up and you know, wait and we would still be on the phone and it just felt like we were together. That sounds so cheesy, I'm sorry, but we this were actually things that we did. And we would just I mean we we I was so proud of him. He had moved to so the program that he was in, he had like finished the first step and he was now on like the second step, about to go into the third step. Which the third step I think there is is called at the time you essentially you kind of like work for the rehab. You you kind of you're like a house leader, you know, like you kind of help lead the house and you get a little bit of a paycheck. So you're in rehab, but you're also getting a little bit of a paycheck. while you're there. just kind of getting you prepared for truly just the outside world, which again, it was a great program. ⁓ he started doing that and I told him that and they obviously provided him housing. He was still living there, so he didn't have to pay for rent or anything. ⁓ he he We had talked about I was miserable in Pittsburgh. I mean, I again wasn't my anyone's fault but my own. I moved somewhere in the middle of winter where it was just dreary and gray. And I I moved to the grayest city ever in the in the worst month to move there. It was just depressing, and I couldn't do it anymore. For my mental health, I knew I needed to get out of there. And every time that I had visited my husband in Kentucky, I just loved it so much. It was so beautiful. People were so friendly southern hospitality is a real thing. People were so friendly. They would I mean everything about being here, I just I I I I was so I I wanted to be here. I wanted to move here. ⁓ cost of living was cheap. I knew I could afford it. So one time when I came down here, I started looking around for apartments. I found one for $600 a month, which was a steal. And I took it. I took it, I moved in, I moved my cat in. ⁓ I, you know, I told Kylie that I I was sorry, but I said, you know, I'm just not happy here. She understood, obviously, she knew, ⁓ for a long time. And so I moved to Kentucky. ⁓ my husband at the time or my husband was living in like one of the houses, the rehab houses. And so we would see each other on the weekends because he did he couldn't go anywhere during the week, but on the weekends he could for like a certain amount of time. And so on the weekends we would hang out. And it was I mean, we just slowly built it was really awesome because we just slowly built our relationship back from square one, you know, and we couldn't rush anything really because I mean, again, he was it was hard to rush back into anything just because I couldn't see him during the week. I only saw him on the weekends. So we just were just relearning each other, this new dynamic to our relationship. You know, we're in a whole different city where we don't know anybody. You know, he's now ⁓ a hundred percent completely sober, you know, in school, learning things about himself, making friends that are actually genuine friendships and and and just learning a lot about himself and others and his emotions. And so we After a cer I think it's like six mo after you're in rehab, I think and I so after a certain amount of time, I think they give you the option that you can ⁓ I you can still work for the rehab, but you live at home, but you work for the rehab. So Jason at the time had So Jason was in this program for, I think it it it lasted like a year. You is you can go for the full term of it, which is like a year. And then after a year, you can choose to like work there, but you can choose to work there. But he did the whole program. He graduated, he got his graduation certificate. He ⁓ he got his certificate. They did a whole like he graduated, his whole family came up. It was seriously one of the most awesome things ever. At the time, so So going back to what I was saying about the apartment with the air mattress on the floor, when I had first moved here and I found this apartment, it was everything to me. I mean, it was perfect. I f I mean I I fell in love with this apartment. This apartment was everything I needed. It was two bedroom, two bathroom. I did not need anything more. It was just a you you it was like a you I mean, it was just like four units. It was like a house that they had made into like four apartments. And it's all I needed. I didn't need anything else. It was perfect. ⁓ with my air mattress on the floor and my cat. That's all I needed. It was perfect. It's all I needed. And I would I would go to the thrift store to like to and because I had no money and I was living off of what I had in savings, I was just ⁓ and trying to also pay my bills and everything. I was buying everything from the thrift store. Trying to furnish my home because again, I I came with what I had in my car. So I I didn't have much. I was just trying to furnish a home with pocket change. So it was thrifting every day, finding free things on Facebook Marketplace. ⁓ but eventually I did get my house looking, my little apartment looking like a little home. And the reason I say that is because. I now live in a, you know, me and Jason went from, you know, him and rehab living in a rehab house, me living me sleeping in an air mattress on an apartment floor, a six hundred an eight hundred square foot apart apartment floor. ⁓ I think Jason was making like twelve dollars an hour or something at that rehab at the time. We were was like twelve dollars an hour or something at the time. I don't really remember. And we And then I, you know, I sit here, I find myself sitting here sometimes. And then now I look around in my kitchen and I'm sitting in my beautiful home that I own. That's all mine. And my big fenced in backyard, my beautiful deck that my husband has completely made mine. We call it my she shed. I actually call it my prissy porch. My husband calls it my pussy porch. ⁓ but it's a prissy porch is what it is. It is a it it's my porch is what it is. Okay. It's my porch. ⁓ my husband has his man cave lounge downstairs where he smokes his cigars. I mean, the reason I'm saying all this is because I could never have imagined in that moment that this is where I would be right now. Never, never in a million years. And I sit here sometimes and I I catch myself thinking I don't have enough, or that ⁓ my God, this is, you know, I God, we I just need to get it together. Like I don't have it together. I'm ne first of all, we're never gonna have it all together. So that just just throw that. That concept, that's not a thing. No one has it all together, no matter how much they act like they do, they do not. We are constantly criticizing ourselves, critiquing ourselves. We are constantly thinking that what we have is not enough. And I want to share another quote that I also heard. And I so on that note, I want to share another quote that I also have heard recently that has made a big impact on me. If you were to take all of your problems and put them into a hat, okay, and and you got rid of them, they're gone, gone forever. But the only catch is you have to reach back into that hat and grab someone else's problems. You don't know who, it could be anything. But you're risking, you've lost all your problems, but you're taking on the problems of somebody else. Would you do it? Would you do it? How quickly I answered absolutely not to that question made me ⁓ put things into perspective for me. It's not that when you really sit back and think about it, there's always someone who has it worse. Always. And I don't like dwelling on things insignificant things. I know I have come so far. My husband has come so far. So proud of him. And I another thing that I want to say is there's always going to be minor setbacks in life too. I mean, if I could tell you how many times we were set back in this process of before we moved forward again, you it's that's part of life. That's a part of life. You you're gonna have little setbacks. That's that's how you get to where you need to be. That's what makes the jump from That's what makes that's what makes growth is the setback. That's how you grow. That's what stimulates growth is a setback. So you have to be set back to grow. Okay. Just remember that. Remember that. It takes change to grow. It takes change. I'm currently in the process of a lot of change. I'm finally understanding what Taylor Swift meant by her eras. Like I'm in I am in a totally different era in my life than I was, even I'm telling you, six months ago, totally different era. Totally. I I don't think of things the same. I don't view things the same. I would say like I am in an era of my life right now of self-discovery where I have recently just really been reflecting on what makes me me and what's gonna make my life worth being feeling fulfilled. Like I don't think it's important to waste time on things that don't make you happy. I don't I think it's very silly to worry about things you can't control. I think that you, I think we do not know how long we have left on this earth. No one can tell you that. No one knows. So why spend any time being sad or stressing or worrying? There's so many things in this world that are just waiting for you. They're waiting. I was recently talking with my husband, and he was talking about how he was stressed about his job. Again, me and my husband talk about a lot of stuff. And it's again, I'm just telling you, yes, I like to talk, but my husband will tell you, communication is so important. So he starts telling me of how he's he's worried about his job, you know, and I said, Jason, he starts telling me about how he's worried about, you know, this and that. And I said, well, if that doesn't work, then we'll we'll f you know. I said it doesn't mean that anything's gonna we're not gonna lose anything. I said, it's just we're just gonna try something different. Like if this route doesn't work, just because it doesn't work doesn't mean that we failed. It just means that we need to try a different route so that we can succe it just means that there's a road a little bit of a roadblock. Okay, well, mm, that's we can't keep going that way, so let's go this way. It does not mean that you're you're gonna crash and burn. It just means that there's a little roadblock. Just a little roadblock. Okay. Roadblock. All right. Well, detour then. You know? Just because something doesn't work out does not mean that you are going to crash and burn. It's just a little detour. Roadblock. Detour. Not crash and burn. Okay. You can figure it out. You've ⁓ made it this far. You've made it this far. I've made it this far. Okay. And if you knew, speaking of if you knew, I just wanna say if anyone has any type of ⁓ Like if I could tell you what hum the difference in my credit alone, my credit is it's ridiculous. Anyone who has no hope for their credit, let me just tell you, y if I can do it, you can do it. Anyways, I thought that that so reason I tell you all this is because starting this podcast was really important to me. So when I started, I tell you all this about my husband because number one, people always ask, but number two, I think it's really important that people understand the dynamic of our relationship when they meet us. Because a lot of people, if you don't, because it just helps them understand a little bit more. Of our of how we work and how we are. ⁓ and the jokes that we make. Sometimes we make jokes that people would think, what like that's weird. But it to us, like, we have to laugh about the times that we're shitty because I mean, what else can you do? What else can you do besides laugh through the trauma? You have to, you have to. It's all about perspective, guys. I keep trying to tell you. Romanticize your life, romanticize your life, romanticize your life. No one else is gonna do it for you. You need to do it. Every day needs to feel like you are lit up. Every day needs to feel like you are in a movie and you are the main character. Okay. Give them something to fucking shive them something to watch. Okay. Sorry, I'm feeling hyped this morning. I probably I probably shouldn't have drank a cotton candy Alani in 30 minutes. Love me someone. Zoe come. My dog's freaking out. ⁓ but yeah, I say all this. My husband and I are best friends. We love each other. I can hope that I can only hope that everyone else has that finds that same relationship, holds on to that same relationship, and finds someone who's just as willing to want to do it with you because that's very important. You need to have someone that's just as willing to put forth that effort. I got very lucky. ⁓ As for all the stuff that happened before, that's something that me and him work through daily together. ⁓ we've reached a point now where I think a lot of it is kind of water under the bridge. I I understand that there's things that he's never gonna be able to take back. He knows that, that he's never gonna be able to change. But I know that he would take it all back. But I don't really want him to, just because if But I have to just trust that everything happens for a reason and that I met him for a reason. And I went through all that for a reason. And he went through all that for a reason. And we went through all that for a reason. And now we are together for a reason. And here we are. Here we are. That being said, I ⁓ I wanted to have my husband on. I asked my husband the other day if he would like to be a co-host. I had asked all my girlfriends and I kind of looked over at him and I was like, you know, I had was thinking about who I should ask and I was like, who can I ask? And I I do have a list of people who I will be on this podcast, but this was kind of a week where we had a lot going on and I really needed to find somebody kind of like that I would be able to interview at weird times and probably couldn't sit down for like two hours and talk. I would have to like do a little bit at a time. So I've I just said, Hey, do you want to be my co-host? And he was like, sure. And I I mean, he's he's got a pretty cool story, you know. So I figured I would introduce you to him. He was a musician for most of his life. He's an incredible musician. If you have not heard his music, I'm not here to buy by the way, I'm not here to like promo. I'm not here here to like that's not why I'm bringing him on. My husband barely plays music anymore. It's sad because I wish he would play more, but he he actually hasn't been playing for a while just 'cause of his new job. ⁓ anyways, yeah, so I figured since you know an and honestly The more I thought about it, the more I thought, for these people to know me, they need to know my husband. Because you're not gonna know me until you know him. And you're not gonna know him until you know me. That's just how we are. That's kind of how marriage works, you know? He is me, me is him. He is me, me is he. He is me, me is he.