Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / I Smoke Weed, Finding Peace in Nature and Life's Simple Moments | Greer Barnes

Transcript

I Smoke Weed, Finding Peace in Nature and Life's Simple Moments | Greer Barnes · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hello everyone.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited to share my new podcast.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Meditation Podcast Relax Zone.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can find Meditation Podcast Relax Zone by clicking the link in this episode's description, or simply search Meditation Podcast Relax Zone on your favorite listening platform.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking for a peaceful space to relax, recharge, and improve your well-being, this podcast is designed for you.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode is created to help with stress relief, anxiety reduction, better sleep, a positive mindset, mindfulness, self-care, morning motivation, deep relaxation, and emotional healing.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to hear your thoughts about the podcast.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: After listening, please take a moment to leave a comment and share your review on any of the episodes.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Your feedback helps the podcast grow and allows me to create even better content for you.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Once again, you can find Meditation Podcast RelaxZone by clicking the link in this episode's description, or simply search Meditation Podcast RelaxZone on your favorite listening platform.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you enjoy the new podcast, please follow the show, rate it, and leave a review.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Every follow, rating, comment, and share makes a huge difference and helps more people discover the benefits of meditation and relaxation.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for your support.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I truly appreciate every listener, and I'm grateful to have you as part of the Relax Zone community.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: From New York City, Comedy Central presents Rear Barnes.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_05: How y'all doing?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_05: What y'all scared?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_05: What happened?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_05: So anyway, I was in the park last night chasing this white guy.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_05: You guys aren't too fast, but you run a really long time.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_05: I would have had to have been Kenyan to catch this cat.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_05: Run right next to him.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_05: What type of shoes are those?
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_05: So I smoke marijuana sometimes a lot every day, and I'll tell you.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_05: I really don't see the downside to marijuana.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_05: Doctors say like, well, if you smoke marijuana, it's known to cause you to forget things.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_05: Maybe some of us got some we need to forget.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_05: Marijuana's also known to increase your appetite.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_05: You mean the munchies?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_05: Like brothers are smoking joints getting the munchies and going out trying to stick up Keebla elf houses or something.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_05: See a bunch of brothers in the parks harassing trees.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_06: Yo, I know you in there, little elf man.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_06: Just tell us which tree y'all make the cookies in.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_05: So I have my knapsack on, and I'm high, so you know, I was a little nervous.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_05: And this officer's like, excuse me, sir, may I see your knapsack, please?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_05: You know whenever I get nervous, I try to be funny.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_05: Sometimes it don't work out.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_05: So this officer's like, excuse me, man.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_05: May I see your knapsack?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_05: So I took my knapsack off and I went like this.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_06: He ain't like that.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_05: And then you get on a train and you hear that ridiculous.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_05: This is a message from the MTA.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_05: Be on the lookout for suspicious looking packages andor activities.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_05: If you see something, don't do anything.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_05: Tell someone, like a police officer or an MTA employee.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_05: Really?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_05: An MTA employee?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_05: You mean like that brother over there messing with the trash, huh?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_05: Okay.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_05: Hey man.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_05: There's a suspicious looking package over there.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I know, I saw it.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_05: Go talk to that lady in the booth.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_05: Hey, lady in the booth.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_05: There's the suspicious looking package over there.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_05: I see a lot of stuff that could be considered suspicious looking.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_05: Like yesterday, I walked outside of my building and I saw two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping pong.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_06: Now that's a suspicious looking activity.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_06: Where the hell did they get that ping pong table from?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_05: I better alert the authorities.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_05: Hello, officer.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_05: I see two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping pong.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_05: Let me get this right.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_05: You see two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping pong.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_05: Like six of them.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_05: Just walking towards a brother.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_05: My first thought was plantation.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know why.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_05: I was expecting one of them to say something to me.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_05: Where you going, boy?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_05: So I could just look at him nowhere, sir.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_05: Mr.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_05: Lincoln says I was free.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_05: Hey fellas.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_05: Your girlfriend ever asks you a question that just makes you go, what?
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_05: A couple nights ago, I'm in the belt.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_05: My girlfriend, we just got to finish having sex.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_05: We sweating.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_05: Because we don't have no air conditioner.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_05: And we're sitting there smoking a joint, and she looks at me and she goes, baby.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_05: What would you do, right?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_02: If we woke up tomorrow and I had your penis and you had my vagina.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: What would you do?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_02: I wouldn't let you screw me.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_05: One time my girlfriend asked me, she was like, baby, if your penis could talk, right?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_02: What would it say?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_02: What would it say?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_05: I'm gonna take this opportunity to speak on behalf of all men on this mud ball we call Earth.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_05: If our penis could talk, it would probably say something like touch me.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_05: That's it.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_07: That's it.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_06: I'm going outside to get some cake.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_06: Touch me.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Touch me with the cake.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_05: If the vagina could talk, you know what it would say?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: We've been in this relationship three and a half years that we think all two of us are going to play on the same thing.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: We can fuck out of the week because we'dn't be two else and stick together because we literally find somebody with a five qua.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_05: So I sit home a lot and I watch um nature shows.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_05: That's what I I do.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_05: I smoke weed and I watch nature shows, you know.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_05: And I was watching one episode, they were talking about the bees.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_05: Now this the this the plight that the bees are going to on the on the planet right now is like really serious.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_05: Excuse my French.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_05: Like these bees are dying by the hundreds of thousands and uh all over the world.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_05: And then this narrator said that if all the bees on the planet died, that the birds would be next, and then us.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_05: And I'm sitting there with my boy, and I'm like, we gotta save the bees.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_05: I feel you, my dude.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_05: I like honey and my tea, you feel me?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_05: Then the narrat the narrator went on to say, um, the European bee is a much more kinder, gentler bee, as opposed to the Africanized bee, which is a much more aggressive, hostile bee.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_05: Really?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_05: You just gonna try to sneak racism into the bug world?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_05: Like European bees are just floating around like so what are we going to do today?
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know, maybe we can pollinate that flower.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_04: Look at the sun, yes, I love it.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_02: Like the African bees in his beehive, like who the f are we going to sting today?
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_05: You know, I I don't know how I come up with this stuff sometimes.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_05: Like I think crazy stuff, you know what I mean?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_05: Like, like, okay, like on my way down here, I I said to myself, I wish I could fly.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_05: And then I thought about it, and I was like, if I could fly, like I'd but I'd probably get arrested.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_05: You know what I mean?
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_05: Like I'd be flying along somewhere and somebody'd been, is that a n flying?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_05: What the f Hello officer?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, I just saw a black guy fly by my window.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_04: Um no, he didn't have a basketball.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_04: He was flying.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_05: I wanted to be an astronaut when I was younger.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_05: And then I just was like, hey, it's cheaper to smoke weed.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_05: I still get the space.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_05: I still get the space, baby.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_05: I always wanted to be the first man to make contact with another alien race.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_05: You know what I mean?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_05: Land on their planet.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_05: Walk up to 'em.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_05: Yo, my dude, what's good?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_05: Oh no, I'm human from the planet Earth.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_05: See that blue ball way out there?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, that's where I'm from.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_05: Nah, we ain't got no green people, but it's cool.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we'll probably call you n at first, but I was in Australia, went scuba diving.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_05: I see some of y'all looking at me like bullshit brothers don't swim.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_05: But hear me out.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_05: I don't know how to swim.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_05: And my dive master was like, don't worry about it.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_05: He'll be fine.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_05: Okay.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_05: We hopped on this boat and went so far out that we couldn't even see the shoreline anymore.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_05: Boat comes to a stop, start getting dressed, putting on our lead weight belt and flippers and goggles and air tank, checking the line.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_05: In the water.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_05: Can't talk underwater, so you gotta learn all these signals like let's go up, let's go down, stop.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_05: Ain't too cool.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_05: I'm paraphrasing.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_05: I'm okay.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_05: Out of air, blow on air.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_05: Wetsuit, too tight.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, fix that.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_05: You gotta get it out your butt.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_06: Don't want no wetsuit in the butt.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_05: You gotta take shark.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_05: That's important.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_05: You see this?
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_05: None of this.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_05: It's just out of here.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_05: That's it.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_05: Let's let's get the bill, let's do it.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_05: No more of that.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_05: It was interesting scuba diving.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_05: I remember the first fish I saw.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_05: I could have sworn he took a double take at me like, what the fellow?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_05: It was cool school to diving.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_05: Till my dive master led me to a cave fifty feet underwater.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_05: We're floating outside this cave, and he looks over at me and he's like, I got on the train earlier tonight and uh these young black kids were looking at me and I overheard them saying, Look at my man got on sandush.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_06: I'm sitting there trying to cover up my toes.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_06: Grown ass man, I gotta be fine.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_05: Then this old Jamaican dude walked on with a little mustache like this.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_05: And I overheard the kid, look at this mother, they got the eight off.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: And that old Jamaican man looked at him and said, What ya say?
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_01: Decent old aid off, boy.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_01: Me no goose step, see, me no goose step.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_01: Me a big fan of Charlie Chaplan, me on here, see down here.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: That is such a stupid joke.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_07: Oh man.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_05: Wish I had one of them cool European accents.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_05: Cause that's how you get the chicks.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_05: Walk up to them and say anything.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_05: Tell me something.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_05: What type of panties are you wearing?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_05: Get away from me.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_05: Tell me.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_05: They're blue.
• 21:03
  unknown: I like that.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: Take them off.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: Get away from me.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: Off.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_06: I can't believe that how in the cool European accent.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_06: You can't be American.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_06: Hey girl, we're gonna draw all you gonna take a little bit.