Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Raising Girls Who Like Themselves & Feel Good in Their Own Skin

Transcript

Raising Girls Who Like Themselves & Feel Good in Their Own Skin · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, where you get
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  Speaker 1: real parenting solutions every single day. Here are some stats
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  Speaker 1: that highlight a problem that most parents, especially parents of
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  Speaker 1: young girls, worry about. If your daughter is between the
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  Speaker 1: age of five and twelve, forty to sixty percent of
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  Speaker 1: girls her age worry about their weight. By the age
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  Speaker 1: of nine, more than fifty percent of girls express concerns
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  Speaker 1: about their body shape. Children as young as five start
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  Speaker 1: expressing concerns about their weight or shape, invariably girls, and
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  Speaker 1: more than fifty percent of girls age six to eight
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  Speaker 1: report being unhappy with their body weight. Today, it's a
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  Speaker 1: tricky question that we're answering from one of our listeners
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  Speaker 1: about body image and helping girls to feel good about
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  Speaker 1: their bodies. Stay with us. Hello, and welcome to the
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast, where you get we help parenting solutions
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  Speaker 1: every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: We are Justin and Clyde Colson, and every Tuesday on
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  Speaker 1: the Happy Families Pod, we answer your tricky questions. It
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  Speaker 1: doesn't matter what it's about, well pretty much answer any
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: question and if it's a really short one, we'll do
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  Speaker 1: two or even three family, Relationships, wellbeing, screens discipline. Today,
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  Speaker 1: we've got a tricky question about kids and body image.
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  Speaker 1: If you would like to submit your question so that
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: we can answer them next time, We've got a really
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  Speaker 1: super simple system at happy families dot com dot You
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  Speaker 1: just scroll out to podcasts, click the record button and
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  Speaker 1: start talking. Alternatively, you can send us a voice note
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  Speaker 1: to podcasts at happy families dot com dot au. Today,
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  Speaker 1: an anonymous listener asks this question.
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  Speaker 2: Hi, doctor Justin and Kylie, I need some help. My Nellie,
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  Speaker 2: nine year old daughter has started to repeatedly come home
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  Speaker 2: and complain about certain parts of her body and say
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  Speaker 2: negative thoughts about her body, questioning issue pretty enough, skinny enough, etc.
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  Speaker 2: And it's very concerning to me. We have done everything
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  Speaker 2: we could since she was little to ensure that she
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  Speaker 2: felt confident and positive about her body, valuing what her
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  Speaker 2: body does rather than what it looks like. Although we
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  Speaker 2: are in this position now and I am looking for
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  Speaker 2: some advice on how to best navigate these insecurities and
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  Speaker 2: questions and hopefully avoid it becoming a bigger issue as
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  Speaker 2: she gets older and into her teen years.
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  Speaker 3: And being a mother of six girls, this is something
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  Speaker 3: that we have experienced with all of our girls in
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  Speaker 3: different ways. Line Ye, and it's so tricky, but what
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  Speaker 3: we've experienced as we've gone through our family is that
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  Speaker 3: it's happening younger and younger.
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  Speaker 1: I would agree with that when I wrote Misconnection, while
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  Speaker 1: your teenage daughter hates to expect, the world needs to
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  Speaker 1: talk Misconnection, which is available online. The chapter that I
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  Speaker 1: was most happy with, the chapter where I felt I
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  Speaker 1: did the best job, was the chapter in response to
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  Speaker 1: this kind of a question, how do we help our
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  Speaker 1: daughters with the way that they feel about themselves? You know,
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  Speaker 1: girls above the fiftieth percentile for weight report the greatest
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  Speaker 1: body dissatisfaction seventy one percent seventy one Nearly three quarters
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  Speaker 1: of girls who are normal weight report being dissatisfied with
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  Speaker 1: their appearance, and the overwhelming majority of girls at every
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  Speaker 1: age will tell you I want this to change. And
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  Speaker 1: I hate to say this, but grade nine, sorry not
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  Speaker 1: grade nine. Age nine is right in the middle of
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  Speaker 1: this critical window where this stuff really starts to boom.
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  Speaker 1: Like I said in the intro, from the age of five.
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  Speaker 1: The data shows that girls are aware of how they
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  Speaker 1: look and as starting to talk about wanting to change things.
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  Speaker 3: It's curious to me that we're even really surprised by
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  Speaker 3: that data, considering that everywhere they look, any magazine, any.
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  Speaker 1: Billboard, TV shows, social media, on their parents' phones.
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  Speaker 3: Or literally they've got the personification of the perfect body
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  Speaker 3: in front of them every day.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. So one of the things that I wrote about
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  Speaker 1: in my book, and I really think it's worthy of
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  Speaker 1: emphasis right now, is everywhere you go. And there are
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  Speaker 1: certainly a lot of experts who will argue this, and
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  Speaker 1: there's some data to supporter as well, so I recognize
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  Speaker 1: what I'm going to say is provocative. Everywhere you go,
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  Speaker 1: people say, teach your kids media literacy. Teach them that
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  Speaker 1: it's not real. Teach them that there's lighting, and there's
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  Speaker 1: hair and there's makeup. And I mean, I just think
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  Speaker 1: about all the TV appearances that I've done, and I'll
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  Speaker 1: walk in ten minutes before my TV appearance, They'll they'll
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  Speaker 1: look at me and maybe pop something on my face.
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  Speaker 1: But other than that, I'm in and out right. And
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  Speaker 1: the women who are on the TV, even if it's
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  Speaker 1: only for a five minute segment, will sometimes spend as
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  Speaker 1: much as two hours in the chair getting their hair
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  Speaker 1: and makeup done, and so The idea is talk about
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  Speaker 1: photoshop and teach kids to be media literate and that
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  Speaker 1: will help. And my pushback against that is, no matter
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  Speaker 1: how much you say, here's what they're doing, the kids
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  Speaker 1: can understand that logically, but it doesn't stop the emotional
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  Speaker 1: and cognitive desire to one day look like that. It
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  Speaker 1: doesn't stop the aspiration medialy matter.
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  Speaker 3: How many times you tell them that sugar is bad
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  Speaker 3: for you. Right, you look at every day? Right, it's desirable?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, so we want it in your life.
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  Speaker 1: The aspiration is there. I don't think teaching media literacy
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  Speaker 1: is the most effective thing. Should it be in the talkit? Yeah?
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  Speaker 1: Probably the evidence suggests so. But let's crack on with
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  Speaker 1: a bunch of other solutions.
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  Speaker 3: I think the first one. I love this one just
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  Speaker 3: it's so powerful if we can kind of curb our
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  Speaker 3: natural reaction to kind of get a little bit frustrated.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, this is more of a do not rather than
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  Speaker 1: a do Because what you want to say to your daughter,
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  Speaker 1: what do you mean?
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  Speaker 3: I can't believe you'd say that about yourself. You're so beautiful.
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  Speaker 3: Look at how skinny you are. You're never going to
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  Speaker 3: be this skinny again.
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  Speaker 1: For the rest of your life.
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  Speaker 3: Just appreciate it.
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  Speaker 1: You'll never have again.
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  Speaker 3: All those things, but the idea that we would get
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  Speaker 3: curious when our kids come to us with their challenges,
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  Speaker 3: with their challenging thinking, instead of getting furious.
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  Speaker 1: So, as a parent who writes books about this, I
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  Speaker 1: struggle so much to do this because I know so
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  Speaker 1: much about it and I just want to jump in
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  Speaker 1: and give my kids all the solutions. So let me
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  Speaker 1: be really, really really clear about this. If your daughter
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  Speaker 1: comes home, or you signed for that matter, but we
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  Speaker 1: are talking specifically to this, this person has the question
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  Speaker 1: if your daughter comes home and says, am I pretty enough?
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  Speaker 1: Am I skinny enough? Don't rush in with reassurance because
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  Speaker 1: the most effective response as a first response is going
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  Speaker 1: to be curiosity.
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  Speaker 3: But those are all labels as well, right, But everybody's
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  Speaker 3: perception is different to what is beautiful? What is skinny?
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  Speaker 3: What is that? What is big?
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  Speaker 1: Like the there is a better response. I just think
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  Speaker 1: if our kids were to say it, I would hope
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  Speaker 1: that I would step in and say, that's really interesting
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  Speaker 1: that you've said that, or that's a really interesting question
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  Speaker 1: you've asked me. Where did that come from? What made
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  Speaker 1: you think about that today, Why is that on your
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  Speaker 1: mind at the moment? And then listen, don't fix, don't reassure,
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  Speaker 1: not yet anyway, just gathered the information, who was talking
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  Speaker 1: about it? What did you notice that made you wonder?
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  Speaker 1: Oh you saw that? Like slightly different topic, but one
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  Speaker 1: of our daughters said something extremely provocative not too long ago,
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  Speaker 1: and I just wanted to say, what are you talking?
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  Speaker 1: I really wanted to blow up because it was not okay,
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  Speaker 1: And instead I was like.
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  Speaker 3: Where did you?
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  Speaker 1: Where'd you come up with that idea? And she said,
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  Speaker 1: I walked past a sign when we were walking through
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  Speaker 1: town and it was one of those adult shops and
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  Speaker 1: it set it on there and I was like, ah,
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  Speaker 1: right now, we've got to have a real conversation. But
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  Speaker 1: by getting curious, not furious, by not rushing to reassure,
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  Speaker 1: by saying, oh, had that made up.
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  Speaker 3: Judging this situation, not thinking you've got all the details exactly.
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  Speaker 1: Body image concerns at age nine are going to be
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  Speaker 1: socially driven, whether it's something from a peer, whether it's
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  Speaker 1: comparison and a peer group, whether it's the media planning
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  Speaker 1: a seed and you need another source before you can
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  Speaker 1: address it, and then then you validate. Oh it sounds
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  Speaker 1: like this person, or it sounds like what you saw
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  Speaker 1: made you feel like your body wasn't good enough. That
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  Speaker 1: must have felt really crummy. That must have felt horrible.
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  Speaker 1: I'm so glad you told me. So you're not saying
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  Speaker 1: that they're right or wrong. You're saying, oh, here's what
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  Speaker 1: it sounds like. Oh that's what it made you feel.
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  Speaker 1: Oh that's horrible. I'm so glad you told me that.
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  Speaker 1: One statement. It just normalizes everything and makes your child go, oh,
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  Speaker 1: so everything's okay. And then the last thing to do
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  Speaker 1: is to reframe by saying this, here's what I know.
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  Speaker 1: Your body, your body, your body is doing an incredible job.
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  Speaker 1: Let's you run, unless you dance, unless you swim, unless
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  Speaker 1: you play. The people who matter most don't care about
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  Speaker 1: pretty or skinny. They care about kind and funny and
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  Speaker 1: brave and smart, and you are all of those things.
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  Speaker 3: I remember reading somewhere once that are the people's opinions
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  Speaker 3: and none of our business.
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  Speaker 1: I love that, and yeah, your opinion of me is
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  Speaker 1: none of my businesses.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, but the really big kick of for me was
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  Speaker 3: the acknowledgment these people that are saying these bad things
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  Speaker 3: about me, or mocking me or you know, kind of
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  Speaker 3: giving me a hard time? Are they the people that
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  Speaker 3: I would go to for advice?
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  Speaker 1: I love this.
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  Speaker 3: If I was struggling, are they the people that I'd go.
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  Speaker 1: And the answer is invariably no, No.
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  Speaker 3: So why is it that if they're not somebody I
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  Speaker 3: would go to when I needed help? Why is it
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  Speaker 3: that they get so much weight in how if feel
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  Speaker 3: about myself?
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  Speaker 1: Pardon the pun, It just yeah, brilliant.
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  Speaker 3: It's really powerful if we can help our kids to
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  Speaker 3: understand that.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so get curious, not furious, and then have that
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  Speaker 1: conversation with them after the break. The two other big
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  Speaker 1: ideas that will help as you try to move the
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  Speaker 1: needle on body image issues. Stay with us. We're back.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Famili's podcast, answering the question about what
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  Speaker 1: to do when your nine year old shows up saying
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  Speaker 1: I'm fat, not skinny, I'm not pretty and has body
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  Speaker 1: image concerns.
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  Speaker 3: I love that our listener has acknowledged this is something
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  Speaker 3: that she clearly is really doing well. The idea that
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  Speaker 3: we would build body functionality awareness for our children, that
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  Speaker 3: we would you point out all of the amazing things
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  Speaker 3: their body allows them to do is such an important
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  Speaker 3: part of this process.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, wrote that in my book just what can your
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  Speaker 1: Body do? Rather than what does your body look like?
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  Speaker 1: Matt is so much more. Research is pretty clear on this.
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  Speaker 1: Girls with what you would call body appreciation, they have
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  Speaker 1: better mental health, they engage in less dieting and other
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  Speaker 1: destructive habits. They're less likely to use substances as they
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  Speaker 1: get older. Across the board, When we can just appreciate
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  Speaker 1: what our body can do, it feels better. Life feels better.
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  Speaker 3: This feels to me like the power of gratitude. Right
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  Speaker 3: when I tap into what I'm grateful for, I hold
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  Speaker 3: it a little bit closer.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: So, and if I have gratitude for the amazing gift
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  Speaker 3: my physical body is and all the things that allows
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  Speaker 3: me to do, then I'm going to take care of it.
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  Speaker 1: So our eleven centy twelve year old daughter might say,
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  Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that my arms and shoulders helped me
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  Speaker 1: to paddle out in the waves, and that my legs
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  Speaker 1: let me stand up on a surfboard, or.
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  Speaker 3: That I can hug you.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, that's I mean. I'm thinking surfing is awesome,
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  Speaker 1: but as simple.
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  Speaker 3: As that, when I feel alone, when I feel disconnected.
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  Speaker 3: The gift of a hug is so powerful.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, because what this does is shifts the focus from appearance,
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  Speaker 1: the externalities, the judgment based stuff to function, right, So
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  Speaker 1: it's internal and it's gratitude based. And the data, again,
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  Speaker 1: like I said, it's clear it reduces body dissatisfaction, specifically
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  Speaker 1: in children aged eight to twelve. So trying to move
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  Speaker 1: away from looking at how the body appears and instead
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  Speaker 1: talking about how it works is just such a big win.
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  Speaker 3: And our last solution model it by not talking about.
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  Speaker 1: It, right. Yeah, this is the hardest one, and it's
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  Speaker 1: also backed by the strongest research. Here's what daughters absorbed
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  Speaker 1: from mother's I'm so sorry to put this on mums, but.
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  Speaker 3: Well you know what their role model.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, dads can say hurtful things and daughters will absorb that.
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  Speaker 1: And there's data that shows that if your child between
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  Speaker 1: nine and twelve is hearing those hurtful things, they're far
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  Speaker 1: more likely to have body image issues and eating challenges
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  Speaker 1: in their teens like sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.
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  Speaker 3: But as a daughter, they're watching the way you.
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  Speaker 1: Try your own body exactly, so.
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  Speaker 3: You're modeling exactly how they will in turn respond.
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  Speaker 1: There was an experimental study that found that when mothers
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  Speaker 1: made negative comments about their own weight and shape and
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  Speaker 1: diet in front of their eight twelve year old daughters,
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  Speaker 1: daughter's body esteem and eating attitudes immediately declined. Boom. Daughters
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  Speaker 1: and mothers who diet or engage in negative self talk
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  Speaker 1: are more likely to develop poor body image and disordered eating,
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  Speaker 1: and mother's comments about their own bodies predict their daughter's
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  Speaker 1: body related comments. That's what the research points to.
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  Speaker 3: So I remember when I was younger, I had this
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  Speaker 3: beautiful body that I never appreciated right, and I loved
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  Speaker 3: junk food and I would eat it till the cows
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  Speaker 3: come home. And my mom would constantly say to me,
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  Speaker 3: you'll be sorry you ate that one day you'll have
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  Speaker 3: a bum like me. And as I have grown and
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  Speaker 3: gotten older, I have looked in the mirror and seen
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  Speaker 3: the bum of my mom and been sad. And it's
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  Speaker 3: only been a reframe for me where I have stepped
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  Speaker 3: into that gratitude and the acknowledgment that this body has
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  Speaker 3: created six other human beings, and it has morphed in
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  Speaker 3: so many different ways, but it has allowed me to
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  Speaker 3: live a beautiful, full life. And I want to continue
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  Speaker 3: living that beautiful, full life. And if that's what I want,
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  Speaker 3: then I need to treat it with care.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. I just love the way he said that. The
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  Speaker 1: research pretty much says that even well meaning mums who
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  Speaker 1: think that they're hiding bodied dissatisfaction, they're still going to
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  Speaker 1: transmit it through subtle behaviors like avoiding certain clothes, sort
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  Speaker 1: of declining to be in photos, or comparing themselves to others.
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  Speaker 1: Kids pick up on everything. So I think the most
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  Speaker 1: powerful intervention that you can offer is modeling a neutral
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  Speaker 1: at minimum, but ideally a positive relationship to your body,
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  Speaker 1: like you've just described. It's just so important. I remember
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  Speaker 1: the conversation that we had with the kids one time
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  Speaker 1: where I don't know the exact context, but there was
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  Speaker 1: a discussion about your body, and maybe it was you
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  Speaker 1: that made a negative comment, maybe it was one of
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  Speaker 1: the kids, and I just said, I didn't marry mum
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  Speaker 1: because she looked a certain way. I didn't marry mum
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  Speaker 1: for her body.
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  Speaker 3: A married Oh, let's be realized, smoking hotback man, I.
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  Speaker 1: Married you for you, and just because your body changes
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  Speaker 1: doesn't mean that my feelings for you change. Kids need
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: to hear that they need to understand that that's the
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  Speaker 1: way it works. I mean, there's so much more we
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: could talk about. This could turn into a seventeen hour podcast.
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  Speaker 1: We need to wrap it up.
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  Speaker 3: You know. I love that your daughter has come to
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  Speaker 3: you and that she's sharing the feelings that she's having
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  Speaker 3: and the experience you're having. Like, what a gift.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, she trusts you.
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  Speaker 3: What a gift?
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  Speaker 1: Doors open. And the other thing that I got from
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  Speaker 1: that voice note was our listener is already doing the
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: right thing by taking it seriously, keeping the conversation going,
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  Speaker 1: and the things that we've talked about today are going
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: to be some really powerful protective factors against body dissatisfaction.
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  Speaker 1: It's almost inevitable, by the way, Like it's pretty much
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  Speaker 1: inevitable if you're female, and even more and more boys
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  Speaker 1: are struggling with this. But these conversations are the things
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  Speaker 1: that can turn it around and make it less damaging,
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: make it less impactful. Thank you so much for listening.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: If you've got a question for us, and you'd like
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: to hit us up with one of those tricky ones,
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: let us know via Happy Families dot com dot you,
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: where our super simple system requires you to simply press
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: the button and start talking, or send us a voice
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: note to podcasts at happy families dot com dot you.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media. Mimhammonds provides research, admin and a whole lot
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: of other support. If you'd like additional information and resources,
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: specifically about what we've talked about today, check out the website.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: We're going to make it a website blog because we
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: think the information is too important for you to not
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: have access to in the written form. Have you families
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: dot com dot au.