Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #92 How to Not Spoil Kids this Christmas

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#92 How to Not Spoil Kids this Christmas · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Wilson,
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  Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie our husband and wife radio team
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  Speaker 1: with three young boys. This is the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants some answers now.
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  Speaker 2: Our next guest is a doctor of psychology who writes
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  Speaker 2: for The New York Times and is featured in Sydney's
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  Speaker 2: Daily Telegraph, The Project, The Today Show and of course
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  Speaker 2: the Look At Susie Radio show. A closet middle aged
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  Speaker 2: man in lycra and our family and parenting expert from
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  Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot Are you please welcome father
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  Speaker 2: of six daughters, Dr Justin Kilson.
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  Speaker 1: That gets me every time. Six daughters and we sit
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  Speaker 1: here with three boys.
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  Speaker 2: You are six daughters? He lost count after four though. Alright,
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  Speaker 2: Hello Justin, how are.
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  Speaker 3: You so good to be with you?
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  Speaker 1: Good to be with you too. I'm keen to know
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  Speaker 1: if you've got a dad joke for us.
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  Speaker 4: Well, Elton John's been touring Australia in recent times. Yes,
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  Speaker 4: and you know Elton's known for his dummy spits. Recently
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  Speaker 4: at dinner he had a big confrontation with the waiter
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  Speaker 4: and the chef.
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  Speaker 3: They put cos lettuce in his cell and he said,
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  Speaker 3: I don't eat cose lettuce. They said why, he said,
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  Speaker 3: because I'm a rocket man.
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  Speaker 1: It's going to be in my head for the rest
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  Speaker 1: of the day. Now, all right, doctor Justin Coleson, let's
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  Speaker 1: talk parenting.
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  Speaker 3: I'm so sorry, you're not at all.
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  Speaker 1: Don't be sorry.
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  Speaker 2: You keep coming back with them, so you're not sorry.
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  Speaker 2: If you were, you'd change your behavior.
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  Speaker 1: All right, Let's talk about making sure our kids aren't
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  Speaker 1: too spoil It is the season to be jolly and generous,
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  Speaker 1: and our children probably have expectations that they're going to
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  Speaker 1: have a full tree of presents.
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  Speaker 4: And the reality is even those of us who are
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  Speaker 4: not prosperous in Australia are still doing pretty well by
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  Speaker 4: world standards. We live in a remarkably prosperous and abundant society.
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  Speaker 4: So yeah, and children do have expectations. Plus they know
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  Speaker 4: what their friends are getting. All they hear about what
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  Speaker 4: their friends received, and Christmas for our children sometimes feels
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  Speaker 4: like it's all about me, me, me, me, me, what
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  Speaker 4: are you getting me?
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  Speaker 3: And look, you know, look what under the tree for me?
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  Speaker 4: So I've worked with a lot of families over the
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  Speaker 4: years who have tried to break through this cycle of
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  Speaker 4: entitlement and narcissism and selfishness. And let's face it, do
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  Speaker 4: you remember what you were like when you were Oh?
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  Speaker 3: I was the worst.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. I remember crying on my birthday because my presence
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  Speaker 2: weren't good enough?
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  Speaker 1: Is it a somber birthday?
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  Speaker 2: And I got so Mom went out and brought me
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  Speaker 2: a game Boy.
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  Speaker 3: Wow, So the tears worked.
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  Speaker 2: The tears worked a treat. Yeah, I mean I was
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  Speaker 2: genuinely devastated because I felt like on my birthday, everyone
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  Speaker 2: like this is what I felt that I was. No
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  Speaker 2: one cared they were getting to Christmas, and so I
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  Speaker 2: got these little token no thought into it, but I
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  Speaker 2: was brought off with a game Boy. So maybe it
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  Speaker 2: wasn't about the thoughts and feelings at all, just about
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  Speaker 2: the stuff.
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  Speaker 3: And that that's kind of what happens.
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  Speaker 2: You know.
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  Speaker 4: It's like as well, when the children when they see
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  Speaker 4: their aunties or their grandparents or you know, whatever person
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  Speaker 4: it is they walk in the door on Christmas Day.
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  Speaker 4: And the thing that your kids do, even though you've
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  Speaker 4: told them not to, as I say, have.
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  Speaker 3: You got any presents for me?
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  Speaker 4: And you're like to stop, And then what happens is
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  Speaker 4: there's this the gift giving process where it's just this
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  Speaker 4: flurry of paper going everywhere, and it's kind of like
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  Speaker 4: a procession of one gift after another after another. They
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  Speaker 4: look at it for four seconds and they chuck it
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  Speaker 4: on the floor so they can open up the next thing,
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  Speaker 4: and they just can't get enough. Yes, and when you're
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  Speaker 4: a child, this is the most exciting thing ever. But
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  Speaker 4: as parents, we kind of want our children to be
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  Speaker 4: a little more restrained and a little more grateful, a
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  Speaker 4: little more focused on others, more focused not on getting,
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  Speaker 4: but on giving. So I've got a handful of things
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  Speaker 4: that we can do to help our children to be
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  Speaker 4: more other oriented.
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  Speaker 1: All right, I'm ready to take notes.
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  Speaker 3: I love those literally just opened up.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's almost like she's got her typewriter, that little
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  Speaker 2: We've got the process.
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  Speaker 1: We've got a process with our boys at Christmas anyway,
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  Speaker 1: and they have to be quite patient before the presents
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  Speaker 1: even come out. In fact, two years ago, our son
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  Speaker 1: split in the open on Christmas morning and it was
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  Speaker 1: sort of mid to late morning before we even got
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  Speaker 1: back from the hospital for him to open presents.
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  Speaker 3: But I bet he's still open them.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, But they do it everybody in the family gets
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  Speaker 1: a present, so slow then everybody.
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  Speaker 2: And for us, the reason is simply with If it's rush,
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  Speaker 2: there is no thank you, there is no gratitude, there
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  Speaker 2: is no acknowledgment. But when it's one at a time,
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  Speaker 2: we do not open the next president until they've displayed
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  Speaker 2: gratitude and appreciation for the person.
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  Speaker 3: Give them the guests.
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  Speaker 4: Well, now that Susy has flexed her fingers and gotten
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  Speaker 4: them ready to keep had, I'm ready. Here's what I'm
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  Speaker 4: going to recommend. I think folks. You know this is
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  Speaker 4: before Christmas Day, in the lead up to Christmas. As
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  Speaker 4: a family, focus on service, focus more on giving than
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  Speaker 4: getting One family I know bakes cookies and takes them
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  Speaker 4: down to the local cop shop and out of the
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  Speaker 4: local lambos and down to the local fieries. When they
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  Speaker 4: walk in, there's this look of really and you know,
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  Speaker 4: is this poison?
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  Speaker 3: Especially at the police station. Are you sure this is okay?
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  Speaker 4: To week? But they did that so that they can
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  Speaker 4: help the children to recognize that there are people in
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  Speaker 4: the community who are literally putting their lives on the
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  Speaker 4: line to keep them safe, and Christmas is a nice
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  Speaker 4: time to acknowledge that and do that I thought it
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  Speaker 4: was beautiful. Another family that I know really focused just
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  Speaker 4: on their neighborhood. So there was an elderly lady just
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  Speaker 4: up the road who they went and looked after her
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  Speaker 4: yard in a few days leading up to Christmas because
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  Speaker 4: there were going to be some family members showing up
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  Speaker 4: in the yard.
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  Speaker 2: Was a really messt.
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  Speaker 4: Another family I know just down the street, a husband
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  Speaker 4: and wife had separated a couple of weeks before Christmas.
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  Speaker 4: The mum was at home with the three kids, absolutely devastated,
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  Speaker 4: and so this family put together a Christmas hamper and said,
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  Speaker 4: we know it's a really hard time, but we want
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  Speaker 4: you to know that we're thinking of you. And by
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  Speaker 4: the way, maybe you'd like to join us on Christmas
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  Speaker 4: afternoon as well. Bring the kids along and we'll swim
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  Speaker 4: in the pool.
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  Speaker 1: Lovely.
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  Speaker 3: So this kind of reaching out and helping.
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  Speaker 4: What it does is it teaches the children that Christmas
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  Speaker 4: is not actually about you, It's about giving joy to
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  Speaker 4: the world. There's a song about that.
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  Speaker 3: I'm pretty sure I think I've heard it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 4: The other one that I love when it comes to
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  Speaker 4: service to others is it's just secret Sandy drops. This
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  Speaker 4: is actually a family tradition in my family. We usually
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  Speaker 4: do some home baked goodies and we drive the car
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  Speaker 4: to the neighborhood where our friends are, and we park
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  Speaker 4: around the corner and sneak up and bang on the door,
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  Speaker 4: leave the goody, and then we rush to the bushes
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  Speaker 4: and hide as they open the door and go, oh, mommy, Daddy,
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  Speaker 4: look what someone. And it's very exciting. The kids just
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  Speaker 4: they love it. And every now and again we get caught,
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  Speaker 4: and that's kind of fun as well, because then we
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  Speaker 4: get to hug our friends and say Happy Christmas. But
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  Speaker 4: I want to share a couple of other ideas. I
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  Speaker 4: know we've really pushed for time, so I'll go fairly quickly.
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  Speaker 4: My next idea is that we should reduce the quantity
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  Speaker 4: of gifts. We don't really have to have a million
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  Speaker 4: billion gifts. The other thing that research tells us is
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  Speaker 4: that giving experiences is actually better than giving stuff. When
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  Speaker 4: you open it, it doesn't necessarily feel better. But when you
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  Speaker 4: go and have the experience and then you enjoy them memory,
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  Speaker 4: it builds happiness, It builds it builds relationships. And that's
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  Speaker 4: the other thing with experiences is you usually do them
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  Speaker 4: with other people, whereas you get some stuff, it's in
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  Speaker 4: a cardboard box. You can't play with it, and it
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  Speaker 4: just doesn't have the same kind of thing. So experience
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  Speaker 4: is better than things. There are a couple of other things,
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  Speaker 4: just quickly. I love this one. One year for Christmas,
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  Speaker 4: I contacted my siblings. I'm the oldest of six kids,
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  Speaker 4: and I said to them, can you just write out
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  Speaker 4: ten special memories with Dad, just on a piece of paper,
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  Speaker 4: a couple of lines each. You can be as elaborate
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  Speaker 4: in describing that experience as you want, but just ten
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  Speaker 4: special memories of Dad. That meant that once all six
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  Speaker 4: of us done it, there were sixty memories of Dad.
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  Speaker 3: I put it.
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  Speaker 4: I put it on the printer, nice colorful paper, different
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  Speaker 4: different color for each child, and then.
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  Speaker 3: I roll them up, sort of scroll like, and drop
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  Speaker 3: them into a jar. When Dad.
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  Speaker 4: Dad's one of those you know, he shakes the gift,
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  Speaker 4: tries to work out what was before he opens it.
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  Speaker 3: He couldn't figure it out. He said, it's a jar
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  Speaker 3: of something. Opened it up and.
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  Speaker 4: Saw all this colorful paper, and a jar looked at
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  Speaker 4: us quizzically opens the jar, reaches in, pulls out the
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  Speaker 4: first piece of paper, reads the little story on it
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  Speaker 4: has a bit of a chuckle.
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  Speaker 3: Then stops.
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  Speaker 4: He looks at us and looks at the jar, and
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  Speaker 4: then he realizes that in that jar is sixty of
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  Speaker 4: our favorite memories of time with him. And for the
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  Speaker 4: next two hours he sat on the couch while Christmas
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  Speaker 4: happened around him and pulled memories out and laughed and
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  Speaker 4: cried and just lived in his own little cocoons as
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  Speaker 4: we shared that experience with him. It cost us nothing
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  Speaker 4: except for a jar and a little bit of paper,
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  Speaker 4: but the memory was profound.
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  Speaker 2: Wow, that's beautiful.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, just joyful. And two other ideas just really quickly.
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  Speaker 4: Number one encouraged the children not just to say thank you,
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  Speaker 4: but write thank you notes. And lastly, give the gift
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  Speaker 4: of time. Because everyone that I talk to all the time,
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  Speaker 4: when I say hey, you're going, they say, oh, busy.
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  Speaker 4: Christmas is meant to be a time where we're not,
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  Speaker 4: even if it's just for the day, even if it's
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  Speaker 4: just for the morning or the afternoon, if you're doing
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  Speaker 4: shift work, whatever it is, Give the gift of time.
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  Speaker 4: Put your phone away, just concentrate on each other. It's
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  Speaker 4: such a special time. Focus on others, Focus on servers,
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  Speaker 4: focus on memories, focus on experiences, forget the stuff, just
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  Speaker 4: be together.
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  Speaker 2: Dr Justin Coulson. What an incredibly powerful session how to
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  Speaker 2: make sure that your child isn't spoiled this Christmas.
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  Speaker 3: I love how you're calling our conversation sessions. Now, what's
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  Speaker 3: going on here? Calling out the black leather.
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  Speaker 2: Couch and there's just not room for both of us
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  Speaker 2: on the same couch. That's the problem. Thanks so much,
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  Speaker 2: Mart for your time.
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  Speaker 3: Thank you.
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  Speaker 1: To find out more info on all of Justin's books, podcasts,
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  Speaker 1: and programs, you can go online to Happy Families dot
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  Speaker 1: com dot au. And to find out how to have
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  Speaker 1: Justin come and speak at your school, organization or event,
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  Speaker 1: go to Justin Coulson dot com