Latest / Play Therapy Podcast: A Master-Class in Child-Centered Play Therapy / 435 | When a Child Cheats Because They Have to Win: What's Really Happening in the Playroom?

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435 | When a Child Cheats Because They Have to Win: What's Really Happening in the Playroom? · Play Therapy Podcast: A Master-Class in Child-Centered Play Therapy

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.
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  Brenna Hicks,
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  your source for centered and focused play therapy coaching.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr.
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  Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Podcast where you get
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  a master class in child-centered play therapy
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  and practical support and application for your
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  work with children and their families.
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  Today's episode,
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  I'm answering a question from Tara in Toronto.
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  And
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  very excited about this because it's about
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  when a kid plays games in the playroom with us and insists on winning.
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  So,
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  raise your hand if you've had a kid that makes sure
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  that they always win when they're in the playroom with you.
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  Yes,
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  I know every hand is up.
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  So this is gonna be really helpful,
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  Tara.
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  Thank you for the email.
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  I'm excited about that.
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  Y'all,
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  I have a six-figure coaching group starting.
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  If you want to open a private practice or
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  you want to make your private practice run more effectively
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  and you want to specialize exclusively in child-centered play therapy,
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  please go to playtherapynow.com,
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  check that out.
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  I have a meetup coming up.
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  I have a VIP event.
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  I have a live event.
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  Y'all gotta get in the know.
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  So go to playtherapynow.com and you'll see everything that
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  you need to
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  take part in any of those things that you want to.
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  All right.
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  So,
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  let me read parts of this email
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  and then we will tackle this together.
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  You know,
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  it says a lot about a child when they come in and they feel compelled to cheat.
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  And so,
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  I think it's helpful for us to process this so that we can
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  mentally understand what's going on for the kid.
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  So,
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  here's parts of the email.
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  I've been working with an eight year old boy who has anger issues.
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  He does not have any formal diagnosis,
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  is quite bright,
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  has difficulty making friends,
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  and gets angry easily.
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  He loves to play all sorts of games,
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  but if he does not win,
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  he gets really upset and shuts down.
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  We've played many games together in the playroom,
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  and he does everything he can,
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  such as cheating or changing the rules so that he can win.
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  When I lose,
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  he says it's just a game,
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  but when he loses,
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  he gets angry and doesn't want to play anymore.
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  He often makes up the game we play based on books he reads or video games he plays.
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  And he always wins.
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  His family says that it is not fun
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  going,
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  such as bowling or playing board games at home
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  because it usually ends up with him having a meltdown.
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  What are your thoughts?
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  How can I help this child realize that not winning is OK?
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  All right,
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  I'm gonna start with the final question,
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  Tara,
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  because
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  This is a subtle drift and I want to just point it out because it happens all the time.
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  And these are one of
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  the moments where we realize we don't even
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  have awareness
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  that the question of itself takes us away from the model.
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  So,
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  how can I help this child?
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  Well,
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  we're not helping kids.
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  We're being adherent to the model so that they can help
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  their own issues.
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  There is nothing about our job
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  that we're helping a kid accomplish anything because if that's true,
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  then it's agenda driven.
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  And if we say,
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  well,
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  how do I help this kid see?
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  How do I help this kid see?
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  How do I help this kid realize?
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  How do I help this kid realize?
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  How do I help this kid understand?
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  How do I help this kid understand?
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  How do I help
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  this
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  kid,
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  you now have a purpose in what you're doing.
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  And it's no longer child-centered.
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  And then the follow
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  up to that is,
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  how can I help this child to realize that not winning is OK.
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  Well,
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  to a kid,
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  especially a low self-esteem
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  and or people pleasing and or perfectionistic and or firstborn
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  and or all kinds of other scenarios,
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  not winning is not OK.
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  So the goal is not that if you don't win it's OK.
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  I don't think,
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  well,
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  I mean,
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  I guess there are some people in the world that say,
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  oh,
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  it's just for the fun of playing,
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  said Brenda.
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  Never.
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  OK,
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  look,
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  y'all,
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  I mean,
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  if you're competitive at all,
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  if you have any competitive drive,
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  if you love to
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  conquer something,
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  not winning is not OK.
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  This whole notion that like when you're in Little League,
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  you know,
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  like,
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  oh,
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  we're just playing for fun.
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  No,
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  we're not.
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  No one likes to lose.
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  We're playing to win.
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  OK,
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  so a child is not going to embrace this notion.
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  That not winning is OK,
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  especially not a kid like this,
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  because it's driven by low self-esteem.
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  And so,
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  not winning is absolutely not OK.
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  That's not what we're trying to teach the child,
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  even if,
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  well,
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  we're not trying to teach the child anything.
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  But even if we did have an agenda,
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  it's not that not winning is OK.
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  It's that
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  you can handle not winning.
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  A child gets to a point where
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  they realize,
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  oh,
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  OK,
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  well,
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  I didn't win that one.
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  And they handle it.
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  They tolerate it.
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  They have coping and resilience.
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  So,
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  I think it's really important
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  to start with that question because we need to be asking CCPT questions.
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  And the second we start asking questions that are not aligned with CCPT
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  we're going in a totally different direction.
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  OK,
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  so now let's go back and talk about some of these other components.
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  So we have an 8 year old,
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  super bright,
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  doesn't make friends,
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  gets angry easily.
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  OK,
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  well,
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  that tells us a few things.
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  So
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  he's super bright,
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  doesn't
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  get along with peers.
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  It's probably because he doesn't have a sense of who he is.
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  When a child does not have a self-concept
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  and they don't have a formed identity,
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  it's hard for them to socialize
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  because kids want to be able to interact
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  with other children that they can understand.
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  Oh,
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  you're the smart one,
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  you're the funny one,
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  you're the funny one,
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  you're the athlete,
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  you're the musical one,
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  you're the artistic one.
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  It's easier to categorize.
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  So when a child does not have an identity,
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  it's difficult for peers to interact with them.
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  Now,
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  it could be
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  he doesn't make friends easily because
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  he gets so mad and he's so volatile if things don't go his way.
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  OK,
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  well,
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  that's a socialization issue.
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  That's a lack of regulation issue.
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  And we know that he gets angry.
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  Well,
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  likely he's angry
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  because he doesn't have a sense of self.
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  If you have a sense of self.
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  If you have a sense of who you are and you like and accept yourself,
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  things don't really bother you as much.
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  So I think this is all of this that you're describing,
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  Tara,
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  is very deep rooted low self-esteem stuff coming up.
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  Probably some anxiety and or people pleasing.
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  Also,
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  you know,
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  very much obviously low frustration tolerance.
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  But,
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  so we have this kid who's super smart,
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  doesn't get along well with peers and gets angry.
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  And he loves to play games.
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  Why does he love to play games?
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  Because that's self-esteem work.
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  He can prove what he's capable of.
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  He can engage in competence,
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  so he's going to prove
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  that he can win,
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  that he's smart,
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  that he's accomplished,
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  that he knows how to play this game.
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  All right,
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  now.
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  If we're going back to a low self-esteem and low self-concept
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  concern,
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  we know
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  that he's going
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  to associate losing
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  as being a loser.
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  He's going to associate failing
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  with being a failure.
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  And those are very different things,
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  but for a child that does not have a sense of who he is.
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  Then obviously if I lose,
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  I'm a loser.
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  That's devastating.
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  And conversely,
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  if I win,
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  I feel powerful,
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  I feel smart,
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  I feel accomplished,
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  I feel all these things.
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  So understandably,
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  a kid's going to want to gravitate toward that
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  rather than the former.
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  So of course he cheats.
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  Of course he cheats.
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  Of course he changes the rules.
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  Of course he's setting the
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  table
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  in his favor
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  because
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  that ensures that he doesn't have to face the notion
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  that
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  I failed.
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  This didn't go well.
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  Kids don't want to stay stuck
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  and he's in this state of dysregulation
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  and it's awful for him
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  to.
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  Feel like he has failed or is a loser
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  when the game doesn't work out the way that he wanted it to.
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  He also obviously doesn't have emotional vocabulary
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  and the ability to regulate.
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  So there's a lot of layers here.
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  And when family says it's not fun to go bowling or play board games because
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  he has a meltdown.
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  The
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  Really encouraging positive thing of this is he's
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  working that out with you in the playroom.
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  So when parents describe things that are going on at home or in other environments,
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  and we can say,
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  yeah,
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  he's working on that with me every single week.
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  That's encouraging,
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  he is.
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  He's purposely putting himself in a competitive situation
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  so that if he loses,
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  he has to wrestle with what it feels like to lose.
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  And he has to wrestle with his identity independent of success
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  and or outcome.
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  That's why encouragement is so important in the playroom,
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  because you can encourage regardless of the outcome.
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  So even if he loses the game,
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  you can still provide encouragement to him.
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  That's why there's so much power in that because it's not tied to success.
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  So he's actively working through this with you,
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  that bodes really positively,
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  and
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  he is constantly getting angry and doesn't want to play.
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  He doesn't have the tolerance yet.
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  But as all these things come together,
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  as his anxiety decreases,
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  as his need for power and control decreases,
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  as his self-esteem increases,
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  as his regulation increases.
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  Among other things,
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  all of a sudden now
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  he's going to get to a point where he goes.
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  OK,
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  let's play again.
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  Does he like losing?
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  No.
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  Is he ever going to celebrate not being the winner?
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  Probably not.
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  Do we understand that he's actually probably really ticked
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  and he's probably already figuring out how he's gonna
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  make sure that he wins the next game?
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  Yeah.
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  But when he gets to a point where he goes,
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  OK,
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  let's play again.
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  And he doesn't have the meltdown,
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  and he doesn't have the tantrum,
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  and he doesn't have the tantrum,
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  and he doesn't get super angry.
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  We know he has built frustration,
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  tolerance,
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  and all the other things we talked about.
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  So CCPT is going to absolutely address this.
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  We just remain adherent to the model
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  and we know that all of these components that this child actively needs
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  is already getting addressed
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  through child-centered play therapy.
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  So Tara,
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  continue to do what you're doing.
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  Continue to reflect his feelings.
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  Continue to
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  provide encouragement and esteem-building responses.
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  Continue to acknowledge that he's changing the rules neutrally.
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  Like,
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  oh.
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  You decided you were gonna go twice.
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  Neutral fact.
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  And what we're doing is
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  we're understanding that this is the child's junk
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  and he's going to work through it.
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  So I hope that's helpful,
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  Tara,
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  and I hope that
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  all of y'all feel a little bit more
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  prepared
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  for a child that acts like this in the playroom because it's a,
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  it's a pretty standard one for sure.
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  I appreciate the email.
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  If y'all wanna reach out,
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  please do,
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  Brenna at The Kid Counselor.
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  I love y'all.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to the Play Therapy Podcast with Dr.
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  Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and resources,
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  please go to www.playtherapypodcast.com.