Latest / Living Deeply with Markieta Carter / Why I Don't Co-Parent Anymore Part 2 — Choosing Parallel Parenting for Peace

Transcript

Why I Don't Co-Parent Anymore Part 2 — Choosing Parallel Parenting for Peace · Living Deeply with Markieta Carter

• 0:00
  I parent, I don't stay entangled anymore. Hey, it's Markita,
• 0:05
  and welcome back to the Living Deeply podcast.
• 0:07
  In part one, I talked about the difference between cooperative co-parenting
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  and parallel parenting.
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  I also talked about why parallel parenting makes the most sense for me.
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  Today, I want to go deeper into why I don't co-parent anymore.
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  When I say that, I mean I stepped away from trying to maintain a closely collaborative
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  parenting relationship.
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  I still fulfill my responsibilities. I still communicate necessary information
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  and I still show up for my daughter.
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  What has changed is how much interaction I participate in and what I make myself available for.
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  Because having a child together doesn't mean every part of my life needs to
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  remain connected to my former partner.
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  There is a difference between sharing parenting responsibilities and continuing
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  the emotional patterns of a relationship that's already ended and I want room to move forward.
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  I don't want a conversation about our daughter to require a conversation about
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  who I am, what I meant, or why I have a boundary.
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  I want to address the actual parenting issue. What does she need?
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  What information needs to be shared? What responsibility needs to be handled?
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  That's why I want the conversation to stay. One thing I've had to consider is
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  the emotional cost of interacting.
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  A conversation can be over while you're still carrying it.
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  You're replaying what was said, thinking about how you should have responded,
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  trying to explain yourself in your head long after you put down the phone.
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  And that takes energy. And as an emotionally sensitive person,
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  I pay attention to what leaves me unsettled and what helps me remain grounded.
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  I want to have energy left for my daughter. I want to be able to listen to her,
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  enjoy her company, and handle the everyday responsibilities of our life.
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  That means being intentional about the conversations. I continue.
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  A boundary can sound like I'll respond to that question about her schedule,
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  or please send the school information in writing, or I provided the information needed for pickup.
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  I don't need to add a personal explanation to every practical message,
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  and I don't need agreement with my feelings before I can communicate clearly.
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  Another reason I've stepped away from collaborative co-parenting is that I want
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  everyday parenting to have room to happen in my home.
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  I can make appropriate routine decisions during my parenting time within our
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  parenting arrangement.
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  I can establish expectations, support my daughter, and guide her through the
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  situations that come up.
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  That doesn't mean ignoring important information or refusing necessary coordination.
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  It means recognizing that separate households have their own daily rhythms.
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  We may approach a routine differently. We may have different preferences.
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  Every difference doesn't need an extended discussion about it.
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  My daughter is older now. She has opinions. She has interests.
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  And she has a growing understanding of what she wants for her own life.
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  I want to listen to that. I don't want to raise her to believe that every ordinary
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  personal choice requires everyone else's approval.
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  If she's exploring an interest, expressing a preference, or making an age-appropriate
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  everyday decision, I want to help her to think through it. What interests you about it?
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  What do you think your options are?
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  What might the outcome be? How can I support you?
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  Those conversations help her practice making decisions instead of waiting for
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  someone else to decide everything for her.
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  Her voice matters. And at the same time, she is still a child.
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  She still needs guidance, boundaries, and protection.
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  She doesn't need responsibility for resolving disagreements between her parents.
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  A major decision still, they still need to follow our parenting agreement and
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  any applicable court orders that we have.
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  Her growing independence doesn't change those responsibilities.
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  For me, supporting her means, paying attention to where she can make choices
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  on her own and where she still needs the adults to handle things.
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  I also don't want to spend my life proving that I'm a good parent through how
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  accessible I am to my former partner.
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  I want my parenting to show in how I care for my child. Do I listen? Do I follow through?
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  Do I pay attention when something changes? Do I help her feel comfortable asking
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  questions and telling me what's going on?
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  Those are the things that I want to keep working on.
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  A closely connected relationship between the adults isn't the only way to remain committed to a child.
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  I can share important information and keep personal boundaries.
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  I can respond to a genuine concern and decline a conversation that's moved away from parenting.
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  And I can be dependable without being available for every discussion someone wants me to have.
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  I can be honest with my daughter about our family.
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  I don't believe honesty requires pretending that everything is easy.
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  I can explain that her parents have different approaches and that we use structure
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  to handle our responsibilities.
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  I can answer her questions in a way that fits her age and understanding,
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  but I don't want her to feel responsible for my peace.
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  She doesn't need to deliver my messages. She doesn't need to defend me,
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  and she doesn't need to monitor how her parents feel either.
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  I want her to have room to be our child. There can be grief in accepting that
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  a cooperative parenting relationship isn't what you have.
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  Maybe you've hoped you could discuss everything calmly.
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  Maybe you've imagined sharing celebrations and easy flexibility.
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  You can acknowledge that hope without continuing to organize your life around
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  it. For me, moving forward means working with what is manageable now.
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  Clear communication, defined responsibilities, appropriate boundaries,
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  and attention to my daughter's needs.
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  And if something urgent happens, I still need to respond appropriately.
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  Parallel parenting cannot become an excuse to withhold essential information
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  or overlook a safety concern.
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  My boundaries need to support responsible parenting as well.
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  That's why when I say I don't co-parent anymore, I'm talking about stepping
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  away from the expectation of constant collaboration and communication and choosing
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  parallel parenting instead.
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  I'm choosing a structure that gives me room to parent, support my daughter's
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  growing independence, and live my own life.
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  I want to be present for the life happening right now in front of me.
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  If you're navigating something similar, consider what communication your child
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  actually needs, what your parenting arrangement requires, and where clear boundaries
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  can help you follow through with less unnecessary conflict.
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  You don't have to measure your family against someone else's picture.
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  Pay attention to what happens and what helps your child feel cared for and what
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  helps you remain steady and a responsible parent.
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  If this episode resonated with you, connect with me at itsmarkita.com to explore
• 7:24
  my women's empowerment coaching, including support with boundaries,
• 7:28
  emotional resilience, and life transitions.
• 7:31
  Listen for more episodes at livingdeeplypodcast.com and join our women-centered
• 7:37
  LGBTQ plus affirmative community at thrivenhumans.org.
• 7:42
  This is Markita, and you've been listening to the Living Deeply podcast.
• 7:47
  My parenting responsibilities continue and so does my right to build a life with clear boundaries.