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The Most Powerful Relationship You Can Build with Your Teen · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Speaker: I'm Ben Pugh, and you're listening to Impact Parenting with Perspective, episode 224.
• 0:09
  Speaker: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens.
• 0:18
  Speaker: So they can focus on what's most important building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their team's life Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your team Turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:36
  Speaker: Hello.
• 0:37
  Speaker: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:39
  Speaker: Thank you for being here Thank you for being on this parenting journey.
• 0:43
  Speaker: And if you're like me And probably like most of the parents that I know, your teen probably isn't going to come and tell you, Hey mom, or Hey dad, thank you for being such a fantastic parent, thank you for learning about parenting and really connecting with yourself, probably no teen ever is going to say that, but I want to for your team because believe it or not, all the work that you are doing on yourself, that is the most.
• 1:13
  Speaker: impactful thing that you can do to have a deep, powerful, loving relationship with your team.
• 1:23
  Speaker: So today we are going to be talking about the most powerful relationship that you can build with your team.
• 1:34
  Speaker: And I'm going to tell you about some of the problems that I see in today's world with the relationship.
• 1:42
  Speaker: The parent and teen relationship.
• 1:45
  Speaker: And so this'll be a really good podcast.
• 1:47
  Speaker: If you are the type of parent who wants a stronger relationship with your teen, this episode is for you.
• 1:56
  Speaker: Is for you.
• 1:57
  Speaker: If you are the type of parent that maybe you feel like your relationship is too far gone.
• 2:05
  Speaker: Maybe you feel like, no, me and my team, we have nothing in common.
• 2:10
  Speaker: This episode is for you.
• 2:13
  Speaker: And if you're the type of parent where you're like, no, me and my team have a great relationship.
• 2:19
  Speaker: But.
• 2:19
  Speaker: I really want to learn how to take it to the next level.
• 2:22
  Speaker: How do I ensure that we continue having a great relationship?
• 2:27
  Speaker: This podcast episode is also for you.
• 2:30
  Speaker: Basically the only people this episode is not for would be like parents who don't even like their teens and don't want to improve their relationship with their teens.
• 2:40
  Speaker: So if that sounds like you, you can.
• 2:42
  Speaker: Turn off this episode now, but for the rest of you that I know are here because you want to improve your relationship with your team, keep listening, because we're going to talk about something powerful and that thing is building values based relationships.
• 3:02
  Speaker: So let's dive in.
• 3:04
  Speaker: Let's start.
• 3:08
  Speaker: Disconnected parents and teens.
• 3:11
  Speaker: And this is honestly one of the biggest problems that I often hear from parents of teenagers.
• 3:19
  Speaker: And parents of teens, they talk about this lack of Of connection with their team.
• 3:24
  Speaker: And I actually hear about this from teens as well.
• 3:29
  Speaker: The difference is your teen will just use different words than the average parent will.
• 3:36
  Speaker: For example, a parent will come out and say, I don't feel like me and my teen have a good relationship, or I don't feel like me.
• 3:45
  Speaker: And my team have a good team's on the other hand, we'll say something like my parents don't get me or my parents don't even care about me or my parents don't even like me.
• 3:59
  Speaker: So when you experience this lack of connection, don't fall into the trap of thinking that.
• 4:07
  Speaker: You as the parent are the only one who's noticing your teen notices to the truth is both parents and teens are feeling the disconnection in today's world, and it's not just you.
• 4:25
  Speaker: It's not just your teen.
• 4:27
  Speaker: It's not just us here in the U.
• 4:29
  Speaker: S.
• 4:31
  Speaker: This is a problem that parents and teens are facing all over the world.
• 4:36
  Speaker: I have had clients in Canada, Australia, Africa, Europe, South America, the U.
• 4:47
  Speaker: S.
• 4:48
  Speaker: Like everyone is facing this.
• 4:51
  Speaker: A disconnect between parents and teens.
• 4:55
  Speaker: So let's just explore what's causing this disconnect.
• 5:01
  Speaker: It's important to explore this question because if you want to help me fix this problem that exists in the world, you need to understand what's causing the disconnect.
• 5:12
  Speaker: And when I say, if you want to help me fix this problem, I'm working on fixing this problem in my own home.
• 5:21
  Speaker: And I'm working on telling as many parents as I can through this podcast.
• 5:25
  Speaker: And I believe that you can help me fix this global problem by addressing it in your home.
• 5:32
  Speaker: So really take this invitation seriously.
• 5:36
  Speaker: I am inviting you to help me.
• 5:39
  Speaker: Fix this problem.
• 5:41
  Speaker: And when you can understand what's causing the disconnect, it actually starts to make a lot of sense.
• 5:48
  Speaker: You start to understand, well, geez, of course, the parents and teens are experiencing this disconnect because of how we're taught because of what we see.
• 5:59
  Speaker: So I'll give you three reasons that I believe parents and teens are experiencing this disconnect.
• 6:07
  Speaker: Number one is that often the only.
• 6:11
  Speaker: Message, or maybe more accurately, the main message that we get from media when it comes to the parent teen relationship is that parents and teens are disconnected, that they have nothing in common, that the relationship between parents and teens is too far gone.
• 6:31
  Speaker: We can't fix it.
• 6:32
  Speaker: We see this on TV.
• 6:35
  Speaker: In movies, on social media, they often portray this sense of parents versus teens.
• 6:46
  Speaker: The second reason this makes sense that parents might believe that they have nothing in common with their teens, or that they can't fix their relationship, is that parents and teens do in fact have different values.
• 7:01
  Speaker: And most parents and most teens make the mistake of focusing more on their different and conflicting values than they focus on the values that they actually have in common.
• 7:15
  Speaker: And the third reason that I believe it makes sense that a lot of parents believe that, man, me and my teens just have too much that's not in common.
• 7:26
  Speaker: And we can't fix our relationship.
• 7:28
  Speaker: It's because a lot of parents were raised by parents who focused on the differences between the parents and the teens values.
• 7:39
  Speaker: And as a result, a lot of parents were raised with a disconnected relationship.
• 7:46
  Speaker: And so it turns out that's the only way.
• 7:50
  Speaker: Relationship that they know how to have with teams because that's what they themselves saw with their parents.
• 7:59
  Speaker: So if you are one of the many parents who believes that no, me and my team, we have nothing in common, nothing to do with me, we're too far gone.
• 8:12
  Speaker: I'm here to tell you that that's an old way of parenting.
• 8:17
  Speaker: It's built on old beliefs, and the parent connection does not have to be your reality.
• 8:29
  Speaker: If it were true that all parents and all teens had nothing in common, there would be no parents who have great relationships.
• 8:40
  Speaker: And I can tell you, there are parents who have fantastic relationships with their teens.
• 8:45
  Speaker: I personally believe that I have a great relationship with my teen.
• 8:50
  Speaker: I, I guess I have two teens.
• 8:52
  Speaker: I have a great relationship with both of them, but one of them tells me all the time, Dad, I am so glad that you and mom aren't like blank.
• 9:00
  Speaker: And he's usually referring to other parents that they're constantly fighting, or the parents are trying to control and manipulate their teen.
• 9:09
  Speaker: Along with this disconnection, if it were true that parents couldn't repair their relationship with their teens, there wouldn't be countless parents who have improved and completely fixed their relationships with their teens.
• 9:27
  Speaker: I can't tell you how many parents, I guess I could go back and count, how many I've worked with over the years, that After a few weeks, they're like, Oh my goodness, things are so much better.
• 9:38
  Speaker: We actually talk, we actually get along.
• 9:40
  Speaker: We haven't fought with each other in like three weeks.
• 9:45
  Speaker: The truth is there are parents all over the world who have found ways to connect with their teens and to have found ways to improve their relationship with their teens, even when they don't agree with everything that their teen values or everything that their team believes.
• 10:02
  Speaker: So there's a better way, I promise you, and fortunately you and your teen have way more in common than you realize.
• 10:14
  Speaker: There's a process that I teach inside of my membership called building values based relationships.
• 10:24
  Speaker: And if you're like the parents that I work with, or if you're like me, when you start building values based relationships with your team, you'll be surprised how quickly you'll be able to repair and improve any relationship with your team.
• 10:41
  Speaker: And you'll be surprised just how much You and your teen actually have in common, you guys have way more in common than you believe.
• 10:50
  Speaker: So, let's talk about building values based relationships for a minute.
• 10:54
  Speaker: In my membership, I teach a simple step by step process.
• 11:00
  Speaker: For how to connect with your teen on their values.
• 11:07
  Speaker: And what I do is I take you through this simple process.
• 11:11
  Speaker: We start with identifying and understanding your own values.
• 11:17
  Speaker: One of the biggest mistakes that I see parents make is they just want to start with their teen's values.
• 11:23
  Speaker: No! Tell me what my teen values so I can then connect with them.
• 11:27
  Speaker: The way I teach it, I believe it's important for you to identify and understand your own values first, which then helps you better identify and understand your teen's values.
• 11:41
  Speaker: And then, I help you find ways to start connecting with your teen.
• 11:45
  Speaker: Based on their values.
• 11:48
  Speaker: And if you look around, one of the biggest problems that parents and teens are having, one of the biggest reasons that there is this big disconnect is because parents want their teens to connect with a parent over the parent's values.
• 12:04
  Speaker: For example, grades.
• 12:06
  Speaker: That's one of the things that I see all the time.
• 12:08
  Speaker: Parents are like, Hey, grades are important.
• 12:11
  Speaker: And subconsciously the teenagers thinking not to me, they're not.
• 12:15
  Speaker: And the parents like, if you don't get good grades, you'll be grounded.
• 12:19
  Speaker: If you do get good grades, I'll take you to dinner.
• 12:22
  Speaker: I'll pay you a hundred bucks, like whatever.
• 12:24
  Speaker: Those are all efforts to get their teens to connect with them over their own parent values of having good grades.
• 12:35
  Speaker: There are other examples that I see where parents are trying to connect with their teen over church when their teen doesn't value church.
• 12:45
  Speaker: That might be your highest value, but not your teen's.
• 12:48
  Speaker: And gosh, I have so many examples that I can share with you.
• 12:52
  Speaker: For now, I want you to think about this from a different perspective.
• 13:00
  Speaker: I'll give you an example, because if you think about it, connecting with people on their values, it's actually something that children do naturally.
• 13:11
  Speaker: I'll give you this example.
• 13:13
  Speaker: I remember sitting down to watch college football when my oldest son was just a toddler, super, super young.
• 13:21
  Speaker: In fact, I remember having to pause.
• 13:24
  Speaker: Back when you could like, well, I guess you can still do it, but we used to like record the game and we'd pause it and sometimes we'd have to step away and go change my son's diaper.
• 13:35
  Speaker: Now, here's the thing.
• 13:37
  Speaker: He's super young.
• 13:38
  Speaker: He's a toddler.
• 13:39
  Speaker: He doesn't value football, but I remember him hopping on my lap, cuddling with me and watching the football game.
• 13:48
  Speaker: I even remember him yelling at the TV because of a bad call.
• 13:53
  Speaker: Or celebrating a good play because that's what he had seen me do.
• 13:59
  Speaker: Now it's important to understand this little boy, this toddler didn't value football at the time.
• 14:06
  Speaker: He does now because I brainwashed him really good.
• 14:08
  Speaker: But back when he was like, one, two, three, four, he didn't value football.
• 14:15
  Speaker: He simply noticed that I valued football.
• 14:19
  Speaker: That was something very high on my list of values.
• 14:23
  Speaker: And he made an effort to connect with me Over my value of football.
• 14:29
  Speaker: He didn't care about football.
• 14:30
  Speaker: He just cared about getting loved by dad and hanging out with that.
• 14:35
  Speaker: The same principle can be applied as a parent.
• 14:40
  Speaker: You don't have to say your teen's top value is smoking weed.
• 14:46
  Speaker: Doing drugs and having sex, maybe you don't have to connect on any of those values, but find the next highest value and start connecting there.
• 14:58
  Speaker: So, do you want a better relationship with your teen?
• 15:04
  Speaker: I want you to ask yourself, actually, first, I want you to understand the power of powerful questions.
• 15:14
  Speaker: When you take the time to ask powerful questions, it will change the way that you think.
• 15:21
  Speaker: So, I want you to ask yourself this question.
• 15:25
  Speaker: Sorry, apparently I've got drainage going on in my throat.
• 15:29
  Speaker: Here's the question I want you to ask yourself.
• 15:33
  Speaker: Do you want to keep feeling disconnected from your teen, or do you want to start building values based relationships so you and your teen can deeply Connect and actually field feel pulled closer together than torn apart now Here's the truth if you want to keep feeling disconnected from routine Well, first of all, this probably isn't the podcast for you But also if you want to keep feeling disconnected from routine, that's easy keep doing what you're doing But if you are the type of parent who wants to create a deep connection Loving, caring relationship with your team, and you want to find ways to empower your team and connect with them right where they are, as they are.
• 16:25
  Speaker: Now is the time to start building that connection, to start building that connection.
• 16:33
  Speaker: Values based relationships.
• 16:37
  Speaker: If you answered, yes, I do want a better connection with my team.
• 16:41
  Speaker: I do want values based relationships.
• 16:44
  Speaker: What I want to do is I want to invite you to go take the parent trap quiz.
• 16:49
  Speaker: It's amazing.
• 16:51
  Speaker: It will help you identify three of the most common parenting traps that most parents get caught in.
• 16:58
  Speaker: And once you identify that parenting trap, you can start identifying the simple and easy ways to get out.
• 17:06
  Speaker: You can go take that quiz at benpwcoaching.
• 17:09
  Speaker: com slash parent trap quiz.
• 17:13
  Speaker: And what that will do is that will get you in connection with me where I can start teaching you how to repair your relationship with your teen by building values based relationships.
• 17:27
  Speaker: It all starts by you taking the Parenting Trap Quiz.
• 17:32
  Speaker: Again, go to BenPughCoaching.
• 17:35
  Speaker: com slash Parent Trap Quiz.
• 17:39
  Speaker: I'll talk to you soon.