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Transcript

S1 Ep14: Hilarious Indian Husband Chronicles 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: But my husband, he's a great guy.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: You know, he went to a good college, has an amazing job.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_01: He's what you here would call a catch.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: I know this because his mother reminds me.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: Every day.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, and he has a superpower.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I shouldn't be so surprised because back in the day he was a chess champion.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: I know what you're all thinking, chess champion.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Sexy.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: So his superpower is logic.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: What do you do with logic?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe if you're stuck in an escape room someday.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: But otherwise, what do you do with logic?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's as if I'm married to Clark Kent, who never becomes Superman.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like if a big bookshelf falls on my head, do I really need him explaining to me that I put too much stuff in it?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Or if my check luggage is overweight at the airport, I need him pointing out that I took too many towels from the hotel.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody needs logic.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, when I first started doing this joke, he didn't like it.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, I don't like this joke.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: I said, but why?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: You are my Superman.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, how can I be Superman?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: They took out all the phone boots.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Where will I change into the costumes?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, what do you call an escape room in India?
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Arranged marriage.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: So my oldest is my daughter.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: She's a freshman this year at Stanford University.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: So when she got in, immediately I called my mother-in-law.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: Two flex! Like, wouldn't you do that?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: Wouldn't you brag about this?
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: And you know what she said to me, my mother-in-law?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: She said to me, how good can the college be if it's taking so many girls?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: You see, she is what you here would call a cunt.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: But I can't complain about her too much.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because without her, what would I get up here and say?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: What would I say?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: I would be like, I'm happy.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm fine.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: I too have self-esteem.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: Let's face it, without her, I would have no act.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: But now my kid is in college and it's all about making friends, making friends.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, why?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Make friends when you join Doctors Without Borders.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, mom, be serious.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: I have to make some friends.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: I said, okay, I'm gonna give you the guidelines on who you can be friends with.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: You cannot be friends with any communications majors.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: No sociology, no geology, no anthropology.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: What even is that?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's dead.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: No kids who play music, no kids who do drama, recruited athletes?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Do I even need to say the words?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, so I can't have any friends.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I didn't say that.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Did I say that?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: No, right?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Compsai is good.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: Engineering, pre-med, basically all the Indian kids.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, what if I meet an Indian kid who is an art major?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: I said, that doesn't exist.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: And if you meet that kid, get his mother's phone number.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: We might need to check on her.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: She might be about to jump in front of a train.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: So are we all familiar with the acronym STEM in education?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: We all know what it stands for.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: What does it stand for?
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: Science, technology, engineering, math.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: So have you heard about the controversy surrounding this acronym?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: They want to add art to it.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because the artists are feeling excluded.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: And they want to make it STEAM.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: What are they trying to do to us?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Do they realize that if you add art to STEM, there will be no STEAM?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: Do they think that the guy who invented the steam engine ran a puppet show on the side?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: They think they can just disrupt the world order like that?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: How would they like it if we added a spelling bee to the NFL?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: But let me tell you about my 16-year-old son, so handsome.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: I can show you a photo afterwards if you want.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: So I follow them.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: And my husband's been so impressed with me.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: He's like our son is walking to school with a white blonde girl.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: And you don't have a problem with that.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: I told him there's nothing to worry about.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's not like she's gonna get into a good college.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, whatever, cancel me, I don't care.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Besides, the blondes don't even get that joke.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: Now my daughter called me the other day and she's like, I just met a boy.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, why?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: You're born here, you don't need a green card.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, mom, he's really nice.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Nice.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Who needs nice?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: We need rich.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, mom, hear me out.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: He's an engineering major.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: I said, okay, I'm listening.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: He's from Connecticut.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: Fine, go on.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: His mom is the head of development at HPO.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: I said, he's got potential.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_01: So I have a third kid.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: I forget about him sometimes.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what to say about him.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I don't really know him.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, the nanny says he's perfect.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: But in our house, we don't use the word nanny.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: We call her auntie.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because this way she can sit in for us at parent teacher conferences, at doctor appointments, at college graduations.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: But speaking of college, I have to tell you, I have uncovered the world's biggest scam.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Did you guys know that in this country the parents don't get to decide what the kid's gonna study?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: You all knew this?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: I really thought when my kid goes to college, I will call the college up.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: And I will say, Com sci one, com sci two, go.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: She wants to have some fun.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: I understand that.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Give her one class in chemistry.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: It does not work that way.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're so rude, they'd hang up on me.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: So I had to call my kid and ask her.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, what are you enrolled in?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: What are you studying?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Are you guys ready for this?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Ceramics.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Eighty thousand dollars to learn how to make clay pots.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know who else makes clay pots?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: Villagers in India.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because they have nothing else to do.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: My kid is in Palo Alto, the epicenter of technology, making clay pots.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Why am I being punished, Ganesh?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Do you know how bad something has to be when the nice white guy in the audience is like, oh no?
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: And now I have an update on this situation, and you guys are gonna think I'm making it up.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not, I'm telling you the truth.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: I just found out that she's required to take a class in wellness.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: So she's enrolled in meditation.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Which costs extra.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: While she's meditating, I'm gonna go have a stroke.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I'm an immigrant parent in America.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: It's hard for me to raise my kids here.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you why.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: Because here, people like to do dangerous things just for fun.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Just for the thrill of it.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: They like to go sliding down mountains, fall out of airplanes, dive into oceans, just for the thrill of it.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: Back home, when I wanted to experience the thrill, I drank tap water.