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Over Under Or Balanced Parenting Dr Siggie Cohen Embraces Modern Parenting · Arroe Collins Like It's Live

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  Speaker 1: It really is like going to Hulu or Netflix and
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  Speaker 1: you're trying to pick out which podcast you want to
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  Speaker 1: listen to. Well, what's the subject? Is it all-level sports?
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  Speaker 1: Is it play-by-play action? Is it something our parents would say?
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  Speaker 1: The Daily Mess? Beyond the Calling? Foodie Paradise? There's so
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  Speaker 1: much to choose from on Arrow.net and you're invited to explore.
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  Speaker 1: A-R-R-O-E dot net.
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  Speaker 2: Good morning, Doctor. How are you doing today?
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  Speaker 3: I'm good. Thank you so much. Good morning to you.
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  Speaker 3: How are you?
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  Speaker 1: Very excited to share a conversation with you because I
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  Speaker 1: am in the middle of all of these parents with
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  Speaker 1: all of these kids because I work at a grocery store.
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  Speaker 1: I see their everything and they're not afraid to share it.
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  Speaker 2: Wow.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, you're very right. So go ahead.
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  Speaker 1: Well, it's America. It sure is America because I sure
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  Speaker 1: see a lot of this in America. The thing is,
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  Speaker 1: is that it's amazing how I see every different level
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  Speaker 1: of parenting from the over parenting to the under parenting,
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  Speaker 1: which always gets my attention immediately. And then you've got
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  Speaker 1: those that do have balance. And that's where I want
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  Speaker 1: to be because you talk about it. And I want
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  Speaker 1: to find out how they're attaining that because I swear
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  Speaker 1: to God, my mom and dad never found that balance.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. So by the way, you know, it's very interesting
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  Speaker 3: that over parenting can so easily actually become exactly what
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  Speaker 3: you said under parenting, because it's the gentleness that becomes permissiveness.
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  Speaker 2: Yes. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: And that's kind of a dangerous walk, isn't it? Because
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  Speaker 1: doesn't that just serve as an open door of, well,
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  Speaker 1: mom and dad said it's okay.
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  Speaker 2: Did you ask them? No, but it's okay. They said so. When?
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  Speaker 2: I don't know. I just feel that it's okay.
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  Speaker 3: Um, Over-parenting and under-parenting leads to chaos. Gentleness and permissive
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  Speaker 3: parenting is actually chaotic for everyone in the family. And
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  Speaker 3: chaos is very scary, by the way. We cannot live
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  Speaker 3: in chaos. We need order and discipline, not because someone
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  Speaker 3: is on above us, constantly looking down on us and
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  Speaker 3: telling us what to do, oppression by oppression and control,
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  Speaker 3: but by management, but by allowing us to feel safe
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  Speaker 3: in an environment that grows a little bit at a
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  Speaker 3: time each and every day. And we can feel safe
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  Speaker 3: navigating that environment.
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  Speaker 1: That's a very interesting point about when you talk about safety,
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  Speaker 1: because I always thought that my dad was the meanest
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  Speaker 1: man on the planet. But in reading this book and
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  Speaker 1: in hearing it in your own words, I mean, I
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  Speaker 1: feel like that maybe I was really wrong. And all
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  Speaker 1: he was trying to do is just provide a very
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  Speaker 1: safe place for his eight kids.
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  Speaker 3: Oh, wow. Eight children. So, yes, he was scared for
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  Speaker 3: you guys. He was. And maybe it's not that he
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  Speaker 3: was mean. Maybe he was very, very firm, reactive possibly.
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  Speaker 3: But he felt that he needs to be in charge
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  Speaker 3: and in control because he was scared to send you
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  Speaker 3: out there into the world. And so fear can drive
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  Speaker 3: us sometimes to maybe misjudge what is going on. And
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  Speaker 3: for children to think that their parents are being mean.
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  Speaker 3: And by the way, kids say it to the nicest, kindest,
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  Speaker 3: most accommodating parents nowadays. You are mean. You are the
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  Speaker 3: worst mom ever. So it doesn't actually mean that that's
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  Speaker 3: what parents are being.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, I am still jealous of all the grandkids because
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  Speaker 1: the grandkids got to see the smile, the happy guy.
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  Speaker 2: Hey, let's go do this. And I'm going, but you're
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  Speaker 2: my dad. You didn't give me that. But you're giving
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  Speaker 2: the grandkids this. Come on, dude. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: But, you know, by then he was able to relax
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  Speaker 3: because you guys were already safe. and managing your own life.
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  Speaker 3: And he could just kind of sit back and go, whew, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: this was scary. But I'm not, I don't have to
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  Speaker 3: do this anymore. Someone else now is in charge. So
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  Speaker 3: I think what you see is the fact that grandparents
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  Speaker 3: can actually just really sit back and enjoy. And grandparenting
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  Speaker 3: is an amazing place to be for children as well.
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  Speaker 3: They they need that in their life.
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  Speaker 1: Well, let me ask you this question, and this cannot
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  Speaker 1: be a 2026 thing. If I'm freaked out at how
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  Speaker 1: fast life is moving, why didn't mom and dad showcase
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  Speaker 1: how freaked out they may have been? Because life, I mean,
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  Speaker 1: every tick on the clock has always been the same.
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  Speaker 1: There's still 60 of them per minute, still 60 of
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  Speaker 1: them to get an hour. But yet we are complaining
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  Speaker 1: about how fast life is moving today. Is that one
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  Speaker 1: of the reasons why parents can over-parent when we're kids?
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  Speaker 1: Because they know how fast time is moving.
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  Speaker 3: Maybe. And also there is potentially more to do. There's
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  Speaker 3: more to achieve, more to get, more to have, right?
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  Speaker 3: We definitely are in an age of more. And that
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  Speaker 3: creates definitely stress and tension because the more sometimes you're chasing,
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  Speaker 3: the less you feel you're actually getting, right? I think
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  Speaker 3: that your parents or parents in other generations didn't actually
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  Speaker 3: share much of what was going on internally. They learned
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  Speaker 3: to oppress it. They learned to keep it to themselves.
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  Speaker 3: There was that distance between children and parents. And some
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  Speaker 3: of that distance was actually okay.
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  Speaker 2: Wow.
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  Speaker 1: It's really interesting that you're talking like this because you're
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  Speaker 1: giving me answers. I've waited 50 or 60 years for
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  Speaker 1: these answers. And I mean that in a whole way.
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  Speaker 1: And when you said that, well, you know, parents didn't
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  Speaker 1: want kids to have too much. And again, we have
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  Speaker 1: so much more now. And I remember my dad said
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  Speaker 1: one thing, one thing only. And now I understand by
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  Speaker 1: way of your writing and your stories. It's like dad
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  Speaker 1: was just trying to make it simple for us. He
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  Speaker 1: wasn't trying to be evil or the dark overlord saying, no,
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  Speaker 1: you can't be Darth Vader. You can only be Yoda.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah. You know, having everything is really an illusion, right?
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  Speaker 3: And also a lot of times what we have is
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  Speaker 3: truly what we think and feel that we have. Because
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  Speaker 3: somebody can say to someone else, you have everything. And
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  Speaker 3: they're like, no, I have nothing.
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  Speaker 2: True.
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  Speaker 3: Such a personal, subjective perception. So what is having everything?
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  Speaker 3: There's no such thing. So first, let's just break that
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  Speaker 3: down and put it aside, actually, and then go, what
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  Speaker 3: is it that we need? And then some of what
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  Speaker 3: is it that we actually want? And can we learn
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  Speaker 3: to balance that as well?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: That makes me laugh because when you ask that question,
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  Speaker 1: what is it something we need? And the first thing
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  Speaker 1: that comes to my mind is give me that smartphone.
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  Speaker 1: You don't need that smartphone. Now I feel like I've
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  Speaker 1: become my dad. Just give me the phone. You don't
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  Speaker 1: need it anymore.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: So it's something that we want and children definitely have
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  Speaker 3: the right to want. You know, I need that. I
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  Speaker 3: can't be without it.
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  Speaker 2: Yes.
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  Speaker 3: You can. You can. And by the way, I'm not arguing.
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  Speaker 3: Notice my intonation is not. Yes, you can. No, I can't. No,
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  Speaker 3: it's not that. It's more like this is just a fact.
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  Speaker 3: You can't be without it. But I understand you don't
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  Speaker 3: want to be without it. That's not the same thing.
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  Speaker 1: Please don't move. There's more with Dr. Siggy Cohen coming
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  Speaker 1: up next. The name of the book, You Are the Parent,
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  Speaker 1: Move from Over-Parenting to Balanced Parenting.
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  Speaker 2: What? We are back with Dr. Siggy Cohen.
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  Speaker 1: You brought up something that is still sitting inside my heart,
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  Speaker 1: and if I don't bring it up, it's going to swell.
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  Speaker 1: And that was one of the things that you talked
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  Speaker 1: about was chaos, that there are families that create chaos.
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  Speaker 1: Can the adults have a chaotic life because of the
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  Speaker 1: chaos they had as a kid? And because they didn't
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  Speaker 1: understand it, they're carrying that chaos into their adulthood. And therefore,
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  Speaker 1: they're trying to create their own lives with this chaotic
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  Speaker 1: world still generating.
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  Speaker 3: So it's not so much the chaos that they had
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  Speaker 3: in their life, which is partially that, but it's what
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  Speaker 3: triggers them nowadays.
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  Speaker 2: It's my word. Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: That's what it is. It's the big one. Exactly. It's
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  Speaker 3: how they're not fully maybe healed and have repaired what
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  Speaker 3: happened to them. And that actually is the number one
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  Speaker 3: source of chaos. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: One of the things that I suffer from, and I
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  Speaker 1: do accuse myself of being an over-parent, and that is
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  Speaker 1: that I don't care how old my daughter is. She
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  Speaker 1: is 48. She's still my baby. She is my baby.
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  Speaker 1: I'm always going to love her as my baby, and
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  Speaker 1: her grandbabies are my babies, too. They are my babies.
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  Speaker 1: I'm over-parenting, aren't I?
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  Speaker 3: No, you're not. That is just your perception. And by
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  Speaker 3: the way, you're not telling your child you are a baby.
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  Speaker 2: No, I'm not.
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  Speaker 3: You're saying you are my baby. And actually just the
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  Speaker 3: connection and how you see your relationship, which is totally fine.
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  Speaker 3: And she knows she's not a baby and you're not
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  Speaker 3: treating her like a baby.
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  Speaker 2: Right.
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  Speaker 3: You know who she is and she knows who she is.
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  Speaker 3: But the connection is based on the fact that she
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  Speaker 3: is your baby. And that's actually wonderful.
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  Speaker 1: There's so much judgment inside the ranks. Like I said,
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  Speaker 1: I work at a grocery store because I love being
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  Speaker 1: with people and watching people. I can see the angst
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  Speaker 1: and the questions from those little ones and their parents.
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  Speaker 1: They give them that look. But still, we still have
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  Speaker 1: to deal with this judgmental world that we've got all
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  Speaker 1: around us. And we're taking it inside the four walls
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  Speaker 1: of our homes.
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  Speaker 3: It's true. It is very difficult to parent your child
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  Speaker 3: out in public when you feel like you are on
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  Speaker 3: display and other people are either judging you. And by
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  Speaker 3: the way, I want to say this. We feel more
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  Speaker 3: judgment than actually does exist. So it's true. Some people
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  Speaker 3: give us looks and some people are like, oh, no,
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  Speaker 3: not another kid that screams. But I can tell you this.
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  Speaker 3: More people actually sympathize and go, oh, boy, I so understand.
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  Speaker 3: I was there. I know what it feels like. Yes,
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  Speaker 3: there is judgment. It's like, well, my kid never does that. Or,
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  Speaker 3: you know, I'm not going to be this kind of parent.
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  Speaker 3: There is that as well. But I think that no
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  Speaker 3: matter what, you are the parent in public and at home.
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  Speaker 3: And you have to somewhat navigate these things. challenges as well,
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  Speaker 3: no matter where you are. And really stay grounded and
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  Speaker 3: confident that you are parenting your child because you know
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  Speaker 3: what it is that's going on and no one else does.
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  Speaker 3: And it's a moment in time that they're there in
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  Speaker 3: your life. And it's gone in a split second anyway.
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  Speaker 1: The millennials as well as Generation Alpha and Beta, they're
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  Speaker 1: not going to understand this. I don't even think Generation
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  Speaker 1: Z is going to understand this, but there used to
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  Speaker 1: be a time when parents trusted teachers. And I bring
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  Speaker 1: that up because Mrs. Vaggie loved to grab me by
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  Speaker 1: the arm. She loved to wrap my hands with a ruler.
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  Speaker 1: And my dad would say, what did you do? I mean, nowadays,
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  Speaker 1: if something like that were to happen, it would be
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  Speaker 1: headlines in the newspaper. But I have to go with
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  Speaker 1: my dad when he said, what did you do? Now,
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  Speaker 1: all of a sudden, I have to answer the question.
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  Speaker 1: And that was part of the discipline and why I'm
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  Speaker 1: more faithful to the cause today. Because what did I do?
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  Speaker 1: What is the solution? That one wasn't the solution, dude.
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  Speaker 1: You deserved it.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I don't know that you deserve to be handled
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  Speaker 3: that way. But the fact that something did happen between
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  Speaker 3: you and your teacher. So parents today, obviously, are not
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  Speaker 3: going to allow it. The law doesn't allow it. That's
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  Speaker 3: actually a good thing. We do need to protect children.
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  Speaker 3: But it's not, what did you do? And notice the
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  Speaker 3: accusation right there. It's more like, I wonder what happened
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  Speaker 3: between you and your teacher. I wonder what's going on.
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  Speaker 3: I wonder if, you know, how much of it not happened.
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  Speaker 3: It's your fault, but your responsibility. What do you think?
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  Speaker 3: There's a lot of self-reflection there and being inquisitive and
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  Speaker 3: curious as opposed to accusative and put somebody in the
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  Speaker 3: judgment chair and just point a finger at their wrongdoings.
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  Speaker 3: We are here to learn from mistakes, to know that
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  Speaker 3: we need to be accountable, but we fail many times.
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  Speaker 3: And it's not a reason to feel bad about it.
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  Speaker 3: It's more like a lesson to learn from.
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  Speaker 2: We got to go.
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  Speaker 1: I love you for what you're doing with this book.
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  Speaker 1: It is what parents need. Thank you so much for
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  Speaker 1: your time today and please come back to this show.
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  Speaker 3: I would love that. Thank you.