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S3E30 - Parent Companion for Play Therapy: Understanding Aggression in Kids (What's Really Behind It) · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast
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  with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  we are continuing with the
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  seven most common behaviors
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  related to
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  child-centered play therapy.
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  And this is the Parent Companion series.
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  So,
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  a series within a series,
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  I suppose.
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  And we are talking about aggression today.
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  So,
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  one of the most consistent reasons that we get phone calls,
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  one of the most consistent concerns
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  from parents,
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  teachers,
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  principals,
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  school counselors,
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  sometimes pediatricians.
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  Nannies,
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  daycares,
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  the list goes long.
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  So,
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  what we're going to look at today is how
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  aggression presents itself and why.
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  And then how CCPT allows the child to process through that and work through it.
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  So I think one of the most important things to begin this discussion
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  is that
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  almost always aggression is
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  one of two things.
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  So I think it's easy to look at aggressive behavior
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  and
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  be irritated by it,
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  be concerned by it,
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  and want
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  it to stop,
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  understandably.
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  But I think we often miss the why.
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  And for those of you that have been hanging out with
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  me for a while or you listen to the clinical podcast,
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  the why Matters,
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  I say that all the time.
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  It's so important to recognize what's at the heart of a behavior.
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  So when we think about aggression in a child,
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  it is almost always one of two things.
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  The first option is,
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  it is dysregulation.
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  And lack of emotional vocabulary
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  in
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  conjunction with each other.
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  Because if you have lack of emotional vocabulary alone,
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  it does not necessarily manifest itself in aggression.
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  If you have lack of regulation alone,
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  it does not necessarily manifest itself in aggression.
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  But you combine those two things together in some
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  dose
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  and you almost always end up with aggression is one option.
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  Here's why.
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  Because the child
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  does not
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  have the ability to control.
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  Their behavior
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  and their emotions.
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  And they don't have the knowledge of what they're feeling.
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  So you put those two things together.
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  They have to show you.
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  How they feel
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  And they don't know how they feel,
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  but they have to show you that they're upset.
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  They have to show you that they are
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  intolerant.
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  They have to show you that they're angry.
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  They have to show you that they're disappointed.
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  And
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  most.
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  Negative
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  emotions
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  also require vulnerability.
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  We've talked about this before.
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  So when they are
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  really devastated that they
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  can't keep playing with their friends.
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  When they're really betrayed because a friend took their toy
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  out of their hand that they were playing with.
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  When you tell them no,
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  because it's not safe for them to do what they are asking to do.
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  And they become aggressive.
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  It is a physical demonstration.
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  Of how
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  negatively
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  driven their emotions are.
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  So that would be one option why we see aggression.
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  It's a swirl of lack of regulation,
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  lack of emotional vocabulary.
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  Other option is it's masking.
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  So let's go back to everything else requires vulnerability.
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  When you have.
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  Disappointment when you have irritation.
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  When you have.
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  Annoyance when you have frustration,
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  it doesn't matter what it is,
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  all of those also demand vulnerability
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  to be expressed.
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  You have to
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  admit
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  that this is negatively impacting you.
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  Humans are wired against vulnerability.
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  It's uncomfortable.
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  It's scary.
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  It's raw,
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  so we
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  try to safeguard ourselves against it.
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  The only way that kids can mask vulnerability
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  is to seem powerful.
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  So I'm actually feeling really betrayed.
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  But
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  I would never let someone know that they hurt me.
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  So I'm going to be really powerful
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  and I'm going to come across as angry and aggressive,
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  and that's a mask.
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  So typically when we see aggressive behavior in children,
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  actually adults too,
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  honestly,
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  but
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  so especially in children.
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  We realize it's usually one of those two root causes.
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  So then what does that look like in the playroom with a play therapist?
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  Well,
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  A child's going to come in and play aggressively.
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  And this is a conversation that I have to have with parents a lot.
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  And so I think it's warranted here as well.
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  I want to be very clear
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  because as clinicians,
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  we inherently understand this,
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  but I think sometimes we're we're not effective at communicating this to parents
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  and or other stakeholders in a child's life.
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  Aggressive behavior
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  is not a problem.
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  Aggressive play is not a problem.
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  Aggression in and of itself is not a problem.
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  That is a normal,
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  natural
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  behavior.
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  We are all wired
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  with a need to have a release of aggression.
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  I don't know how many of you are familiar with the book Wild at Heart,
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  but
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  that's
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  the whole premise of the book is that we've taken away the ability
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  in our society
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  for men who are wired
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  to have a release and an outlet for aggression.
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  We've taken it away.
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  Because we don't do anything that is aggressive
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  anymore because societally it has been frowned upon.
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  We are wired
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  to have a release of aggression.
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  I question whether I do CrossFit 6 days a week because I,
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  I release pent up aggression when I'm killing myself.
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  I don't know.
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  But
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  we are meant to have that.
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  So a child
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  that plays aggressively,
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  a child that demonstrates aggression,
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  it is not inherently a problem.
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  You do not need to be immediately concerned
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  because you have a child that is
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  prone
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  to be aggressive.
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  The aggression has to be controlled and tempered.
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  So the goal is never a child does not ever show any form of aggression.
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  It's just,
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  it's appropriate.
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  It doesn't get in the way of daily function.
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  It doesn't cause issues.
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  It's not maladaptive.
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  That's what we're working toward.
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  I want to make that really clear because
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  often parents will hear their child is aggressive and they're like,
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  Oh my gosh,
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  they're going to end up in jail.
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  That's a huge leap,
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  and we don't need to go there.
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  It's very normal,
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  appropriate behavior.
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  But sometimes it's taken too far,
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  and that's what CCPT is going to help with.
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  So a child's going to come in and play aggressively
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  as they should.
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  Please do not be concerned by that.
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  When your play therapist says to you,
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  your child is
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  in an aggressive theme,
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  don't go home and lose sleep.
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  You should be like,
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  Oh,
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  I'm so thrilled to hear that.
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  That means that they're working through their aggressive
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  issues.
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  OK,
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  so
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  what happens?
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  They come in and they play aggressively.
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  We actually have an entire category of toys.
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  In the playroom,
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  acting out aggressive toys.
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  If that doesn't give a child,
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  a child permission
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  to be aggressive when there's an entire category specifically for that,
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  you,
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  you should rest assured that it is a normal part of the process.
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  So they're going to come in and they're going
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  to play with aggressive toys in aggressive ways.
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  And what will happen is
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  they learn
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  how to regulate and temper and control
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  the aggression.
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  Because when the outcome is not what they had hoped,
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  when there are negative consequences
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  to their behaviors,
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  when they or the play therapist gets hurt
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  and they don't like the remorse that comes with that,
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  when there are limits that are set
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  and enforced.
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  They naturally learn.
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  To curb their need
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  to go too far with their aggression.
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  Coming in and beating the crap out of bobo,
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  for those of you that aren't familiar with the term bobo,
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  it's basically like a,
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  you can't knock it over punching bag.
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  And that's like the beloved item in a CCPT's playroom.
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  So
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  they come in and they beat the crap out of Bobo.
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  That is
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  An ideal scenario
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  for
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  aggressive release.
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  Every time a kid comes in and takes swings at Bobo for 20 minutes until they're
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  panting and they can't breathe and they're sweating
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  and they lay on the floor and they have to give themselves a 5 minute break,
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  I'm internally celebrating
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  because that is healthy release of aggression.
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  Now,
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  when they come in and they beat the crap out of me with foam swords,
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  that is not healthy release of aggression,
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  and we set limits.
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  So the child learns how to manage the aggression needs
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  and the aggression tendencies.
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  We all have them.
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  That's why people when they're stressed and when they're angry,
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  they like to go
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  like to a punching bag.
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  That's like a joke,
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  you know,
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  like you have so many people say I need to go,
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  you know,
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  like punch a punching bag.
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  Why do you think people say that?
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  Because they know they need to release all that pent up crap.
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  OK,
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  so kids are going to come in and work on that and here's what I want you to know.
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  They have proven in studies,
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  this is a parent's greatest fear often.
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  You're going to let my kid go in there and play as aggressively as they want.
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  They can do whatever they want.
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  They're in charge in there
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  and they're already aggressive.
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  It's going to make everything worse.
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  It's going to give them permission and they're going to have a ticket
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  that they think they can be aggressive whenever,
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  wherever,
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  to whomever they want.
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  The opposite is true,
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  y'all.
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  They have proven in studies
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  that aggressive children,
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  in other words,
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  one of the reasons they come into therapy is because of their aggression.
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  They have a reduction in aggression after CCPT,
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  not an increase.
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  Why?
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  Because they have the therapeutic relationship and the therapeutic environment.
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  That allows them to become a better version of themselves.
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  They don't want to be aggressive.
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  They don't want to hurt people.
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  They don't want to scare people.
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  They don't want to have negative repercussions
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  because of their actions.
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  That's maladaptive coping.
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  That's dysfunction.
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  Kids don't want to stay there.
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  They will naturally behave in more self-enhancing ways
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  if given the time,
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  the tools,
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  and the opportunity.
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  And so the therapeutic playroom,
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  the therapeutic relationship with the therapist.
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  Gives the child the opportunity to say,
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  yeah,
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  I don't really like it when I hurt people.
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  I don't like it when I hit someone and they get upset.
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  I feel bad when I scare people.
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  I don't want to be this version of myself,
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  and they correct it.
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  And they learn to control themselves and they learn to regulate themselves.
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  They also build emotional vocabulary.
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  So you can understand how all of the reasons they come in,
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  it naturally sorts itself out.
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  So we know based on data and studies
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  that aggressive children become less aggressive.
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  After they've participated in CCPT.
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  Not more
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  So I hope that that is helpful
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  to understand what's going to happen and how that that works.
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  If you are
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  not pursuing play therapy,
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  for example,
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  but you have a child that tends to be aggressive,
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  figure out the why
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  that will help you address the behavior differently as a parent,
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  and then also provide healthy outlets
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  for release.
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  And help build emotional vocabulary.
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  And help build regulation
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  because those will naturally
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  address
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  the tendency toward aggression.
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  You know,
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  some kids are born more aggressively than others.
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  That's why there are plenty of adults in this world.
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  That some you would say,
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  oh my goodness,
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  like they are the most
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  gentle,
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  meek.
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  Kind,
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  sweet,
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  soft-spoken people,
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  like they are not wired aggressively.
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  And then you have someone that you meet and you're like,
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  oh,
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  yeah,
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  you're,
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  you're kind of
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  intense,
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  you're kind of pushy,
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  you're kind of aggressive.
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  There are natural wirings that are a part of this.
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  There's nature and nurture.
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  So,
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  some kids are naturally going to be more aggressive.
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  Some kids are not naturally aggressive,
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  but that becomes their maladaptive coping
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  mechanism.
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  So what the goal in both scenarios is for all of us
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  is to help the child get to a point where wherever they
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  happen to be now,
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  they become more regulated,
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  more in control,
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  more tempered,
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  and whatever the tendency is,
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  whatever the behavior is,
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  it reduces enough
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  that they're able to function and be happy and healthy
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  in daily life.
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  All right y'all,
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  I hope that that's helpful.
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  Please email me if you have thoughts or questions or you'd
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  like me to answer something for you on the air.
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  I would love to do that.
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  Brenna at the kidcounselor.com.
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  I love y'all.
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  Keep loving on your kids.
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  We'll talk again soon.
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  Bye.
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  Thank you for listening to
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  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
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  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.