Latest / The Cyclical Doula Podcast: Fertility Awareness, Charting Cycles, and Reproductive Health Education / Finding Your Voice Through Loss: Motherhood, Resilience & the Power of Vulnerability with Nicole
Transcript
- emmamma: I'm so excited to have Nicole here with us today. And Nicole, would you be willing to share a little bit about who you are outside of or just like as a person as a human being? Emmamma: Thanks so much for being here today on the cyclical doula podcast. If this episode resonated with you, the most powerful thing that you can do is to share it, send it to a friend, text it to your sister, forward it to that group chat. This is how conversations about our bodies start changing, quietly, organically, woman to woman. you are listening and thinking, ⁓ ⁓ want help applying this to my Nicole Recker: Yeah, a little bit about me. I'm originally from Ontario. I actually currently live in Alberta, Canada. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for seven years now. We've been together for like 18. I have a son whose name is Wyatt and he's six. I run four businesses from home. So I'm an entrepreneur of many things. And I think one of the emmamma: Nice. Nicole Recker: greatest pieces that I have come to understand is by saying yes to things that makes me feel so uncomfy and so nervous that there's this beautiful thing on this other side of growth. And I think that this is one of the most exciting things that I love is coming in on and sharing things that is dear to my heart because I understand like how much of a ripple effect that can create in the world. And I've had the opportunity of being an author two times. And I think that that has really created this Emmamma: I offer free cycle clarity calls. It's a relaxed conversation over Zoom we talk through your goals, your charting practices, and kind of support that would actually make sense for you. can book one at emmamma.com / free. And if you already, make sure you're following or subscribe to the Cyclical Doula - podcast so that you don't miss future episodes. And if you feel called to leave a rating or review, it genuinely helps more women find this work. So thank you. You deserve to understand body. You deserve to feel confident in your reproductive choices. And you ⁓ have to figure it out alone. I'll see you next week. Thanks for being here. Nicole Recker: understanding, deeper understanding of understanding that how our voice truly matters. And sometimes there's things that's told between the years that prevents us. But ⁓ I think that when we do lean into what guides us and what feels best to us and the passions that kind of lead us and the way that it feels the most authentic to us, that we get beautiful opportunities to connect with people all over the world. And I think that, yeah, that's kind of ⁓ me in a nutshell really really um yeah yeah emmamma: I love that. That's so good. Amazing. I love asking people what a rhythm or ritual that they're like loving in their current season is. What's one of them ones for you? Nicole Recker: ⁓ Mine is, I have literally so many crystals laid out right in this space. ⁓ So I think like being mindful of my energy and what creates me to feel safe in those environments of feeling nervous. ⁓ So I have these little buffalos ⁓ that I was given when I gave birth to my son. I had two losses in pregnancy and I think that ⁓ in those types of moments and in those moments when like you feel a little bit heightened in nerves, emmamma: Hehehehe Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: I definitely tend to lean to like more crystals, wrapping myself in white ribbon, listening to high vibrational sounds in the background of things. I am massive on gratitude. So I have like a gratitude journal that I will write in. And then one of the other things that really helps me with my rituals is I actually did a mindset course in 2021. And one of the questions was, emmamma: Yeah. Nicole Recker: How do you want to show up as your future self with everything achieved? And you wrote all of these positive affirmations ⁓ in the now that it's already happened and into the physical world already. And I recorded it and I actually listen to that ⁓ daily or try to do it daily. ⁓ And it just gets you in this momentum of understanding like, yes, real life stuff happens, but... emmamma: Yeah. Nicole Recker: you also have to be in control of like what you allow to get to you. And I mean, I'm also human. There are certain things that get to me and I'm like, why did I that bother me? Yeah, so I think just adapting some of those things that I've been taught ⁓ into my regular life has really helped me gather those like positive rituals in life. emmamma: Mm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You're right, right? Absolutely. Yeah, that's awesome. I love that. That's so cool. I feel like I was actually just talking with somebody else, I think it was yesterday about ⁓ gratitude and how much like they feel like that's one of their like big, I just like, I feel like it's one of those things that like, when we get into this mindset of, of changing that mindset about it and bringing in those that gratitude aspect of it, it really, it really can change our everyday aspect of just like flipping. Nicole Recker: Yeah. Emmamma: Welcome to the Cyclical Doula podcast. I'm Emma, a certified fertility awareness educator, miscarriage doula and the founder of Emmamma emmamma: how we look at everything. Nicole Recker: Yeah, it's a very fast pivot of the brain when you go to grad school. emmamma: Yeah. Absolutely. Well, I'd love for you to just like share a little bit about your story that you'd like that you want to start with. I think there can be I know there's so much to your story, but I'd love to hear like where you want to start with telling us about your story. Nicole Recker: No. Um, I think, um, to kind of continue it along the lines of like, where I kind of think like what your, um, channel is really about, like just that very vulnerable feel, all the things, um, I don't know, there's so many different things that I could really talk about. Um, I, I feel like, sometimes understanding that like, emmamma: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: life actually is happening for us and not to us. I think in a lot of my scenarios is something that I really tried to understand. And in certain moments in life, ⁓ we may not understand why they're happening to us. And maybe there's a time in life where we may not ever know, but there are certain moments ⁓ when you really try to hone in and like almost like bird's eye view, understand some of these really hard moments in life. think that emmamma: Yeah. Yeah. Emmamma: This space is for women who want to understand their bodies deeply, not just memorize information, but actually feel confident in interpreting their cycles. Here we talk about ovulation, hormones, cervical mucus, basal body temperature, and all that's messy in between emotional layers that come with being woman. We talk about trying to conceive, avoiding pregnancy ⁓ hormones. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: it can kind of deepen understand you as a human being. And I have had lots of things happen like most human beings living this life. ⁓ But I think some of the hard things for me is ⁓ a lot of the trauma that I've experienced from an earlier age and then can kind of continued ⁓ into my early teens and whatnot. ⁓ But there was just like certain things. And I don't think that that emmamma: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Emmamma: postpartum transitions, pregnancy loss, perimenopause, and everything in between. Because body literacy isn't just about charting. It's about the autonomy. It's about informed consent. It's about not outsourcing your reproductive decisions to guesswork or fear. Each week, you'll hear conversations with women's health professionals, ⁓ workers, ⁓ Nicole Recker: I think understanding that that sometimes will always be there and learning to live through those moments. think that I am one of the biggest advocate for understanding like it's okay to talk about really hard things because these beautiful moments come of it. ⁓ So I think I kind of want to start mainly just where like my motherhood journey. think that that's kind of what created this beautiful space for me. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Emmamma: and researchers along with solo episodes where I teach practical skills you can apply to your own cycle right away. if you have ever felt like you should have learned this information sooner, if you have ever felt disconnected from your cycle, emmamma: Yeah. Absolutely. Nicole Recker: to be able to share and use my voice because I never did before. And it was interesting enough, I ended up meeting Ashley-Ann who referred me to connect with you through, I run an Arbonne network marketing business. And one of my connections through that had introduced me to Ashley-Ann who runs StudioPress. And they had said, you should join this class. It was like a workshop, understanding how to storytell. It's really great in business. So I joined. Emmamma: If you want to raise the next generation without shame around their bodies, you are in the right place. So grab your tea, open up your notes app, and let's build a cycle confidence together. Nicole Recker: The topic was about motherhood and it was to share voluntarily about ⁓ your journey through motherhood. So I did. And it was a very difficult ⁓ journey for me. ⁓ I had two losses in pregnancy. And the first was difficult, obviously. It's not to say one is more difficult than the other. It's difficult all around. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: ⁓ but I had two different, very different experiences. One was like very quick and easy in a sense of, ⁓ the passing of things. The second one was not, it was very traumatic. and I didn't know then, but I know now that it was like a full on labor experience and all the things, ⁓ and to leave places with nothing, with the expectation that you were going to have everything once in your life is extremely hard to move through. so I never spoke about this stuff prior to this workshop in a sense of like, spoke about it to my closest family and friends, but I didn't ever speak about it in a public setting. And what I learned from doing that is that so many people in this world are just genuinely looking for connection and on topics that are not generally spoken about. ⁓ and I think that. emmamma: Yeah. Nicole Recker: that just created that entire space for me to understand that I know that it's very hard for me to talk about these things, but there is somebody else that doesn't understand that their voice matters. And sometimes we have to be that in order for that ripple effect to continue on. ⁓ So that's kinda why I thought about leaning into that side first. Yeah, and it wasn't easy. We did fertility stuff. ⁓ I thought that that was going to be a... emmamma: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nicole Recker: good thing because I had one doctor say that I had to have another third loss before I would even be allowed to kind of do more testings. And it didn't feel right in the belly to trust in that. So I ended up getting a new doctor and she heard mine and my husband's story and was like, no, we don't have to do that. You can just lean into trying to dive in and understand what's going on. So I thought, emmamma: Mm-hmm. No. Nicole Recker: that by doing that, there would be answers and there wasn't any answers. I think that it kind of puts your expectations like maybe you'll find something, maybe you'll deepen understand it, maybe there will be a reason. And I kind of held on to that hope of thinking that maybe it would be different or maybe that I would have understood and I didn't. Yeah, so then when I actually got pregnant with my son, who I have now, emmamma: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: ⁓ I was the biggest anxious pregnant person that I come to come to meet so far. ⁓ And it was very challenging. There's a reason why I only have one living child. I cannot bring myself to do it again. And I admire the bravery and courage that other women do have to do that and are able to move past it and work through it. ⁓ I just however know that I'm not strong enough to do that. ⁓ emmamma: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: Yeah, so I'm grateful for the child that I have. And certain things that I shared in Leave With Love through, that's the one co-authored book that I was a part of in studio press. There are certain things that I wrote about. when people read the chapter, they ended up contacting me and was like, I cannot believe how much vulnerable things you shared. ⁓ And I didn't hold back because I knew that if I did, I'm doing myself and the reader. ⁓ the, what is the word that I'm trying to say? ⁓ I'm not doing myself or them any good ⁓ because I'm holding back the nitty gritty. So ⁓ one of the things though that I will vulnerably share on here that is in both that and my own individual book is that one night I was talking about how like sometimes you understand and sometimes emmamma: Hmm. Nicole Recker: There certain things that you may not know and sometimes you may understand. one of the things that is always around and always very, ⁓ I'm always aware of is that the babies that I lost are still very close. ⁓ Some people don't believe in spiritual world. I am definitely one of those who do. ⁓ But there was one evening where my son was sleeping and he woke up and he was like, mama, goes, ⁓ there was a baby in your belly and then it came out. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: And then there was a baby in your belly and then it came out. And he's like, then there was a baby in your belly and then you had me. And I just remember like crying so hard because I have obviously never shared with him. And I think that if you come to lean into certain things that happen, whether you believe that they're beautiful moments or hard moments or whatever you want to read into them, I think that that's shown to me that like, yes, those things were hard, but I wouldn't have the child that I have today if it wasn't for those. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: experiences. ⁓ It doesn't mean it's easy though. emmamma: No, Well, thanks for sharing all of that. feel like that so many women go through similar experiences and it's not talked about very often. And I think we can all... Just talking about it more in general and hearing each other's stories can really bring light and support to everybody, whether they experience a loss or experience a hard time with achieving a pregnancy and all of those things. And so thanks for taking the time to share that. Nicole Recker: Yeah, I was actually scared when I to be honest, when I when I was going to share my story. ⁓ And I almost let the voices within my head like of the reasons why I shouldn't win. ⁓ Because I never wanted my story to create a fear impact in somebody else. ⁓ And when I understood that ⁓ everybody's story is everybody's story and emmamma: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. Nicole Recker: it's okay that sometimes they're really hard to hear. But yeah, once I believed and understood that my voice needed to be heard and my story needed to be heard and yeah, I just kind of leaned into it and hoped that everything would work out. And it's actually so interesting to me because I was a person who believed that my voice didn't matter. And what I had to say, people didn't want to hear mainly because I was told that by a grade 11 English teacher. And I didn't think that what I had to say, anybody really wanted to listen to. And then that's kind of what prevented me from jumping into the collective voices story with Zee with Love first. And then when I published that book with the studio press, a stranger found me on Instagram and she was like, I wanted to message you because I read your story and I decided to not commit suicide. And ⁓ that still gets me every time because being on the side where I didn't believe in my voice and then having it impact somebody in such a positive way to decide not to commit suicide, ⁓ that's when I realized that, my motherhood journey is hard, and it was very hard, ⁓ but other things that I have endured in my life was even harder. And that's when I decided emmamma: Yeah. Nicole Recker: Literally a month after the book was published, I decided to write my own manuscript of everything that happened in my life up until the date that it was published. So I kind of leaned in and I ended up writing my manuscript within a year and I wanted it published before Christmas. I wanted my manuscript finished before Christmas of 2021 and I finished it December 23rd. emmamma: Nice. Nicole Recker: There's certain things that I share in that book that I never spoke about to anyone. And it's just real life trauma that I tried to cover up so much. I think that that's another thing is you really just, if you want to become the most authentic version of you, you don't get to pick and choose what you get to heal from. You just have to work through all of it. And yeah, I just have a lot of things that I have worked through and I'm working, continue to working through. So yeah. emmamma: think like, there's so much power in just like, admitting to that we're all still working through stuff. Like it's not like, even the people who look the most put together or like feel like they've been through a lot of it, like we're still all working through all of those things. Do you have, as you've like, worked on all of this, and as you've been sharing your story with people, Nicole Recker: Boom. Yeah. emmamma: What do you feel like comes up the most for you in learning about your ⁓ like personal growth and your self trust? Nicole Recker: ⁓ I think honestly understanding and leaning into the things that make you the most uncomfy is this like internal ⁓ like pull that you're meant to do it and I think that recognizing and becoming so self-aware of understanding that like yes, I feel nervous. Yes, I feel all of these things but on the other side of that I will feel so so brave, so courageous and understand that like it's really not about me as much as it as much as it's about my stories and as much as it's about me it's really not about me it's about this bigger picture of like helping whoever decides to listen for example on this whoever decides to read either of my ⁓ stories in Leave With Love or The Greater Plan it's just you really just don't understand how much of an impact you can have. And I think it's because of what I've seen, because of my ⁓ leaning into the heart and leaning into the things that make me feel really uncomfy, the beautiful things that I have endured because of those yes moments when I really just didn't know what to say, when I was like shaking in my boots type things. ⁓ Yeah, I was terrified in a lot of those moments. And I think that ⁓ Yeah, when you become aware that those sensations is not a bad thing and you don't have to run away from those moments. ⁓ Yeah, I think that beautiful things can happen from that and you can create these massive changing moments of these beautiful things that will forever change you as a human. I don't know if I really answered the question all that well. ⁓ emmamma: That's okay. I don't think there's a right or a wrong way to answer a question like that. yeah. Do you have, it seemed like when I was reading through some of your stuff that you're navigating like working on... ⁓ Nicole Recker: No. No. No. Yeah. emmamma: different types of nervous system regulation. How do you juggle all of that when you're doing all of this entrepreneurial stuff and being a mom and all of that too? Nicole Recker: Yeah, so I actually get asked this question a lot in like different terms and being with different people being asked. One of the things that I learned through writing in Leave With Love, my book coach said to me, if you do things from a place of should, it's not going to feel very good. But if you do things from a place of being called to do it, the energy is very different. emmamma: Yeah. Yo. Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: She said that to me one time and I literally it has changed my life because I try my best to do things from a place of when I feel called to do it, um, rather than a place of should because of how different that energy feels. Um, and really it's just balance. It's my 20 year old self. Um, you know, even, you know, 29 year old self sort of thing. Um, before I had my son, I think it was 28. I don't know. emmamma: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nicole Recker: ⁓ when I had my son. The version that I was then was like this mindset of you always have to hustle. ⁓ Nothing comes easy. And I think having a child really puts life into perspective. ⁓ There's a lot of things that I don't give my energy to anymore. ⁓ Protecting my peace as a human is really important to me. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: And I think that through learning that I've understood that like I was failing at juggling before. ⁓ I dropped a lot of balls and did a lot of things ⁓ and I put things first that I shouldn't have. And I think that ⁓ understanding that you really just have to do things that feel so good to you and at the time that it feels right, ⁓ it's a completely different energy. And yes, there's things that I've missed out of. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nicole Recker: yes, there's things that I wish I could have been a part of and all it's, goes, it goes both ways. ⁓ there's clients I wish I could have seen, but I had family things. There's client, there's family things that I wish, you know, like it's, it's, it's just a balancing act really. And sometimes I suck at it and other times. Yeah. Yeah. but yeah, so one of the things that I find that has really helped my nervous system in a sense is just finding peace in that. emmamma: Yeah, right. Nicole Recker: and like surrendering to that and understanding that I will not stretch myself thin when it comes to my family. And that that is the most important thing at the end of the day. So there will always be money to be made another day. There will always be another client that you can squeeze in at the end of the day. will always, you know, there's that stuff will always be there. But those special moments with my family. ⁓ emmamma: Yeah. Yeah. Nicole Recker: That is a massive priority to me. And something actually somebody said really helped me create this understanding is just as much as you put in your calendar that you have a dentist appointment or a doctor's appointment and how you show up and you don't want to get that fine of the missed appointment, you sometimes have to live your personal life like that. ⁓ So I literally, some people make fun of me for my calendar and my sister even said to me the other day, Nick, I can't believe I have to. ⁓ emmamma: Yup. Nicole Recker: book you in in January ⁓ just to get a dinner with you. But ⁓ that is how my life is balanced. My calendar is scheduled and I have strict moments of going to the mountains with my family. And that is that. And nothing else gets scheduled there, no matter how much or how many things could have been scheduled in other spaces. And I think that I just really hold strong to that. And I think that that was something that I was so grateful that was told to me because it's easy to get lost in all the things that I do. Yeah. emmamma: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, for sure. I feel like that's... it's not something that a lot of people put a huge value on right now just because life can be so crazy. ⁓ But yeah, I'm all for it. Blocking time and calendars can be really great to just be able to have that blocked off for so many different reasons. And taking the time in the season that you're in and being able to do that is awesome. Nicole Recker: Yeah. Give it a look. And also, I guess one of the other things that I forgot to mention is like, I remember learning about human design and understanding that there are certain things that you feel most aligned in as a human in the being that you are. And I think when I've understood that, like, sometimes I would say yes to things, but my body wasn't really saying yes. Like, I really didn't want to go. I think that emmamma: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: when I come to understand that I don't have to say yes to everything and I don't have to put myself in places where I don't energetically want to be. I think when I've come to the understanding of that and learning that, I was much more okay to say no to certain things. Yeah. emmamma: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. For sure, absolutely. That's very true. I do feel like that's something that we're not great at doing as a society. I feel like it shows up a lot with, since I am talking about menstrual cycles all the time, I love the idea of when people are making plans, when they're around ovulation and they're super excited to go do stuff and then they get to the luteal phase and they just wanna be in pajamas. Nicole Recker: Yeah. Thank you. emmamma: on the couch eating a cookie by themselves. And like, that's okay. I think like that's one of those things of like, we can, we can A change our mind and B also just like, be able to be vulnerable in those parts and protect, protect our space well. Nicole Recker: Yeah. emmamma: ⁓ Do you feel like you see any type of like cyclical cycles of what this looks like for you emotionally, physically, seasonally showing up in your life in your work? Nicole Recker: Um, I don't know. Yeah, I don't, I don't really know. Um, I think I think being a mom, think... ⁓ there's mirrors that are shown back to me that are not always the prettiest. And I think that, ⁓ emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: I think that if you are self-aware of understanding that like that is coming from somewhere and you have to take that hard pill sometimes and swallow it and understand that like, I can understand that ⁓ from a deep level. ⁓ I think that any of that has always ⁓ created those spaces for me really. ⁓ emmamma: Yeah. For sure. Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: It's not easy. Yeah. emmamma: for sure. Do you, you had like mentioned in your, when you were filling out the form that I had, you fill out in the very beginning stuff about fertility awareness. Do you have anything that you want to share around that? Nicole Recker: ⁓ Yeah, I think that ⁓ one of the things that I kind of wish I had more of is this network of people that did vulnerably share and this community of understanding that like it's okay to talk about loss and it's okay to talk about the really hard moments because there was times where I felt so alone and I put so much blame on me. I remember my first loss. I was like, maybe I vacuumed. the floor too hard or maybe I slept weird and such intense, drastic things that the mind can create in so many moments of uncertainty. It's almost like you have to find something to blame. And I think if I could go back to my younger version, I would tell her that it's okay and you don't have to have an answer. emmamma: Mm. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: you don't have to be the thing that's But I would also say because I was so blindsided, I didn't realize how hard the fertility things actually are. I was picked and poked and brought in. Anybody who's gone through the experience understands. And I think that emmamma: Mm. here. Nicole Recker: It's not to say that sometimes certain moments don't happen where you get answers or sometimes you do get this beautiful moment of understanding. But I think that going into the experience or maybe having the awareness of sometimes it doesn't go your way and sometimes there's no answers. I almost wish I was told that. ⁓ And I wish that I was told that it's such a lonely space. ⁓ emmamma: Mm. Nicole Recker: like you're not a bad person for that. It's not you. Like just it's a hard space to sit in. And it's really this moment of like, I believe in the idea of the buffalo because I was told it when I had my son. And when I was pregnant with him, I remember my midwife saying that the buffalo are the only animals in the wild that will run towards the storm and all the other animals will run away from it. And I think that story really changed the entire view that I view my life. And so I have so many buffaloes. My son has one, my husband has one. ⁓ My cover of the greater plan is literally two buffaloes. And I think why it means so much to me is like, I wish I knew that idea when I was going through fertility stuff, because just when you think it's the hardest moment or just when you think emmamma: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nicole Recker: you can't go any further. If you dig those feet in ⁓ so deep in the ground and like really plant yourself, you will get through it even though there's moments of like so much uncertainty. ⁓ emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: Yeah, and it's okay to feel scared and it's okay to not know what's going to happen. ⁓ But I think one of the things that I would tell anybody walking into it is like, have your support system and create that space and understand that like, even on the hard days, it's okay and you are supported and loved by and then find your circle. Yeah, I think if I was to tell anybody, I think that those would be the things. emmamma: Yeah, that's awesome. I, I feel like that's something to to sit well with. And it makes me think is there something that as somebody who's experienced loss and walked through this journey, is there something that comes up? Obviously, it's going to be different for every like individual. But is there something that comes up that you think that most people would appreciate if they're walking through that. like if somebody's listening and is like a friend to somebody who's experiencing walk or loss or walking through that infertility, like, do you have a something to like help give hope or support? Nicole Recker: Yeah, so I feel like I bounce around so many spectrums when it comes to this type of question. ⁓ I think as the person, if you are the supporter, emmamma: Yeah. Nicole Recker: you don't have to fix anything. You don't have to say things that you think are right in a sense of they're not easy to hear. ⁓ It just wasn't meant to be or... emmamma: Of course. Yeah. Nicole Recker: I don't know, it's so hard sometimes because I find somebody who has experienced lots of trauma in a sense of a very broad spectrum. Sometimes people say things out of their thinking they're helping and then that one thing sticks in the brain of the person who's the receiver. And I think sometimes just creating space, there's no fixing moment, there's no... trying to make the person feel better. It's just creating this space where they feel safe coming to. And I think sometimes we want to make people feel better. And sometimes we hope that we say the right things. And let's be honest, like we're human beings, we're going to make mistakes sometimes. And there's probably a bazillion times that I have said something to somebody that didn't help them. ⁓ So like meet yourself with grace with that also. But I think knowing that they're not alone is one of the biggest pieces. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nicole Recker: and just having that safe space. I also think ⁓ being vulnerable and sharing so much of our own heart ⁓ to make them understand that they're not alone ⁓ is another thing. And I think, I don't know, the more we talk about this topic, the more that people will feel that ⁓ so-and-so went through this and I'm not by myself. And it doesn't even have to be emmamma: Mm-hmm. right. Nicole Recker: It doesn't even have to be anything close to the similar story or the exact same way or whatever. just that somebody else is also brave to say that they've endured X, Y, Z. And that is an immediate connection. And I remember saying to people when I would go to pregnancy loss counseling and they had a Christmas event where if you were pregnant and experiencing ⁓ emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: a healthy pregnancy that you can go and it what you didn't even have to be pregnant at the time to be honest you could just go and it was a ceremony that you got to light a candle and place an ornament on the Christmas tree to remember the ones that you've lost and I remember going to that and just feeling so seen so like creating moments that feel right to you to make you feel those healing moments. emmamma: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: Sometimes it's lonely and sometimes you have to do things that you never really thought or like lean into organizations or people that you do have to be so vulnerable with. And I think that you just have to find, if you don't have your tribe, you just have to find it. And it could be a total stranger and maybe that's the best thing that's for you. emmamma: Mm hmm. I love that. That's so good. Yeah, there's so much so much power and just being able to find that community to support even if it's just one person that you don't know yet. Absolutely. Do you ⁓ Nicole Recker: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. emmamma: Do you feel like you define success or what you expected your family to look like? Maybe those are two very different things than you did earlier on in your journey of personal growth and all of those things. Nicole Recker: ⁓ that is, that's honestly, I struggle with this sometimes because when I was younger, I envisioned like a small soccer team as a family. and it didn't happen that way for me. and I think, honestly, I grieving through a loss in pregnancy. ⁓ my son is just turned six in May. emmamma: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right. Nicole Recker: And I still have moments of such intense struggle when it comes to the mental brain of healing those parts ⁓ on many different spectrums, like what I once saw my life to be, ⁓ what it is and what I know it will never be. And I think that you cannot put a timeline on that. You just have to feel everything. And sometimes it hits you out of nowhere. ⁓ emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: You know, I run a day home during the day. My husband was injured in a dirt bike accident three years ago. And my other businesses, had just recently was a new author. I was just launching my, I just literally launched my own individual book. ⁓ I run a spa business from home. It used to be mobile in town, but then COVID kind of derailed that one. And then I work with Arbonne as well as a network marketer and nothing replaced. emmamma: Yeah. Nicole Recker: my husband's income that fast because of the accident. So I took on being a day home provider ⁓ because I need something from home. We don't have a lot of family here. And one of the things that I have come to understand is I always wanted five children or more. And life gifts you with things that maybe you never saw. So I do have those children, but they're not all mine. And I think ⁓ emmamma: Yeah. Yeah. Nicole Recker: Truly when you just trust in the process and it makes me feel so emotional because when I started that journey, Wyatt just knew of his circle of people. And then you have people that have siblings. And the question is asked, why I don't have siblings. And I think that that is something that's hard for me. And I still grieve that part of my life that I will never be able to gift my son with those moments. emmamma: Right. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: And ⁓ it's hard, it's really hard because I feel selfish for not giving him those things. But one of my really good friends who also has one child for similar reasons ⁓ said to me that your child that is living needs you as the happy mom that you choose to show up as. and your child will never know what they didn't have, they will always know what they have. And I think that that really grounds me in moments even still today that I still question and I wonder, is it me holding back these beautiful moments for my family? And I think honestly, you have to go so inwards and you have to find things that kind of... that challenge you in a sense of personal growth that creates these moments to like really listen to you and quiet the noises around us and decide what is the best thing for you. And I know there's a lot of noise sometimes there's family members that question you, there's family members that pressure you, there's things that have said by total strangers that you don't even know the person's name but you still replay the sentence that they said to you. ⁓ emmamma: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: There's a lot of things that can happen, but I think one of the other things that really grounds me is I know one of my dear friends who never had the opportunity to be a mom. And I am truly so grateful that I get to say that I am a mom and I know it wasn't easy and I know not everybody's journey ends up with that end result of being called mom. And I know that it's really hard, ⁓ but it is not lost on me. the amount of gratitude that I have just because I have one living son. And I understand that that's not everybody's story. And I know that that's, you know, a lifelong thing that they have to heal from. but yeah, kind of rambled on that, but, but yeah, it's hard. emmamma: No, but that's so good. yeah, I think there's so many things that you said that I was just like, yes, absolutely. I think someone needs to hear like that said it in a specific way. Because I think like there's a phrases that just sometimes can like stick with people of being able to just accept or feel at peace with their decisions that they're making and not feel alone in it. Nicole Recker: And it's also okay if you question those feelings. mean, it doesn't make you a terrible person. Being unsure is a part of life. And I think that that's why I shared you have to find those moments of growth. I go to sound baths very frequently. ⁓ And I think that community has shown me because every time that I go there, you get yourself on such a emmamma: ⁓ for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Nicole Recker: opened energy, spiritual things can come to you. And like I said, not everybody believes in that, but ⁓ I definitely do. And I have had so many moments of like communicating with my babies that I've had prior to. And ⁓ I think finding closure in certain moments in life also helps. And if you're not open to those things, that's totally fine. But I think that if you're not getting answers and you're not getting healing moments in certain ways. You have to open yourself up in different ideas or different spectrums of things that maybe you would have never said yes to before. Yeah. emmamma: Yeah. That's awesome. That's so good. think that, yeah, if people want some healing in those spaces of they have to be open and willing to have those conversations and look into other things and find that space that's really helping. Nicole Recker: Yeah. Yeah. And also understanding that nobody can do it for you other than you. Sometimes I just wanted somebody to give me the answers. I wanted to know now. I didn't want to wait so many years later. But I also think too is, ⁓ think sometimes people think that there will be a moment in time where it doesn't bother you. And I think that when you come to the understanding that I have, this will be a lifelong thing that I am healing from. emmamma: Mm. Nicole Recker: And once you accept that and don't push away from it, ⁓ I think that, yeah, you just, really have to surrender and there's no right or wrong and you can't, yeah, there's really, there's no right or wrong ⁓ in how somebody moves through it and what works for one person can be total opposite for the other. And there's no, there's no judgment in it. It's just different. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nicole Recker: Yeah. emmamma: Yeah, I think there's, it's, it's really powerful to be able to just come to terms with the fact that like, whatever our personal journey and experiences like is not right or wrong based on other people's experiences. Nicole Recker: Yeah. emmamma: ⁓ What else do you want to share or what else do you want like somebody to hear as we're wrapping up today? Nicole Recker: Bye. I think ⁓ one of the things that I learned from writing my own individual book is one of the parts that I had written in there when we were talking earlier is like you don't get to choose the things that you have to heal from. ⁓ I remember sharing in parts of it that if you were to draw a connect the dot star and those were the things that you had to heal from if or maybe they're not. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: things you had to heal from. Maybe they're just beautiful moments that happened in your life. ⁓ They can be like a very different variety of things, but if you were to remove one of those dots, the image wouldn't actually be complete. And I think that when you take a moment to look at the things that have happened for you in your life, ⁓ that they do create who you are today. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: and they create the life that you're meant to be living. And I think sometimes we can play in our mind about wishing that things were so different, that we actually live so much in the past that it actually steals the beauty of what is in front of us in the present. And I think that ⁓ understanding that everything that happens to us is emmamma: Hmm. Nicole Recker: this and this is how my book ended up being called The Greater Plan. I had no intentions of calling it that, but what I ended up finding out through writing every chapter was there was this. To try to find the beautiful lesson, there was this greater plan for us, or I guess for me. The book takes people through understanding that ⁓ the exact same thing is for your life and for anybody else who's listening. And if you choose to remove something just because it's hard, ⁓ you're doing yourself the disservice of understanding the deeper parts of you. ⁓ And I think that my other thing that I would lean into is like, I think the best thing I ever did was to say yes to the things that were really hard and beautiful things that transpired because of that. I think that truly, if you listened to emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: what feels the best to you despite quieting all the things, all the opinions, all the statistics of certain things. You just have to go inwards and listen to what feels right to you. And like I said, what worked for one person may not work for you. And I think that that's one of the deepest learning lessons for me. You really just have to learn to trust in you and you have to learn to pay attention to... more things that have happened or that are happening. And when you do trust in you and listen to that intuitive feel, you are shown these moments of like, am exactly where I'm meant to be. And I know that I maybe thought of it differently, but this is my life and you just have to accept it and just feel so perfect being so imperfectly you and show up as like that most authentic version of you because the world truly needs just that. Yeah. emmamma: Absolutely. I love that. Nicole Recker: And I honestly think that if you, is listening, feels that moment of like having those hard conversations or maybe being the first one to be vulnerable in your network, I, somebody has to go first. And I just hope that from listening to this, that you feel inspired to be able to do that or understand that your voice matters. And I think that ⁓ even in really scary spaces. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Nicole Recker: even if your voice trembles a little bit or you cry or you're not really sure what to say, I think that you do, I hope that you do understand that your voice matters and your story deserves to be told despite the fact of how scary, terrifying, beautiful, happy, on top of the world moments, they all deserve to be told. emmamma: Amazing. love that. Thanks so much for sharing all of the things. How can people connect with you? Nicole Recker: Yep. haha ⁓ Yeah, so they can either follow me on Instagram. It's Nicole Racker's Journey. And then ⁓ Facebook is Nicole C. Racker. Racker is R-E-C-K-E-R. And Nicole is N-I-C-O-L-E. ⁓ And yeah, you can just follow me along there if you wanted to connect with me. I would truly love the messages ⁓ because this is the part that I always love is not only do I get these brief moments to be able to share my story? But I also love the connection that comes from having somebody create the space and then them voluntarily sharing with me. And I think that that's the beautiful part about it is that if you don't have somebody that's in your network that has experienced loss or any of the other things that I've shared about, you can most definitely reach out to me because I am so much of a bigger believer of understanding that you don't have to do this life alone. emmamma: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Awesome. Sounds good. Well, thanks so much for being here. We'll put all of those things in the show notes as long as well as your like book titles and all of that. ⁓ I really appreciate you being here and sharing your story ⁓ to just hopefully help somebody else feel a little less alone today. Nicole Recker: Yeah. Soon. Thank you for creating the space because that also came from you and thank you for having me on your podcast. really appreciate it. It's honestly an honor. emmamma: Yeah. ⁓ Awesome. I'm so glad you're here and I'm so glad we were able to do this. ⁓ Nicole Recker: Thank you so much.