Latest / The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast / Why Insecure Attachment is Silently Ruining Your Sex Life

Transcript

Why Insecure Attachment is Silently Ruining Your Sex Life · The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast

• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sex porn love addiction is all about self-soothing to manage your emotions.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: It got set up back in the childhood development years.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not about sex, it's not about porn.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's all about the repeated use to set up the physiology to crave those dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, self-manufactured drugs in the body.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's impacting women, men, children, age 10 to 75 across all the age ranges, the sexes, the cultures, the professions.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: It increased exponentially during COVID lockdown and impacting so many lives.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: The Kairos Center has created the first online comprehensive sex porn love addiction.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's a video on demand recovery program which you can access from anywhere in the world and begin to see identifiable changes just within six weeks of beginning this weekly program.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Kairos means your appointed time.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Isn't it your time to reclaim your life?
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: Bring colour back to life without shame.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Click the link below and begin your journey.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: You owe it to yourself and to others.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: A secure attachment cycle.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: What it looks like on a cycle when there is secure attachment, and another diagram of what it looks like when there is disturbed attachment in the cycle of development in those first two years.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Take a look at those diagrams.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: We can't understand sexual well-being without first acknowledging and understanding our sexual style because it will be impacting even sex.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: You see, great sex means being out of control, vulnerable, exposed, letting go.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Those with attachment styles are always those with insecure attachment styles are always on guard.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you don't think you are, your brain is, because the brain never wants that impactful trauma back there in the childhood years that it experienced to ever happen again.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: So it's on guard even if you're not on guard.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And one of those areas that is constantly impacted is sex.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Those who have the best sex are those with secure attachment styles.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Is this an incentive to look at your attachment style and get you to secure attachment?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can shift out of those in secure attachment styles.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: You can change and move into secure attachment styles.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I did it.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Born in Jamaica.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: No criticism of my parents at all.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: But within 18 months of my birth, my parents came to England to give us a better start in life, a better quality of life, a better upbringing as they perceived it, and left all family, friends, everything in Jamaica to come to England to give the children a better start in life.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: The bravest of the brave is how I see my parents.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: How can I be critical of that?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yet I didn't see those parents again until I was age six, nearly going on seven.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't recognise that there was somebody called a mum, a dad that wasn't around because I experienced the extended family being brought up, aunts, grandparents, wherever I lay my head was my bed.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even know I had sisters around me.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was content.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Until put on a plane, age six, nearly seven, came to England, and there were these people.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Call the mum, call the dad.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: You see, it's not until in my forties when I realize I don't know the real me.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: I know there's a Gary in there somewhere, but and every now and then I get a glimpse of him.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then he pops back in again.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: I knew there was an inner child in there that I didn't really know.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I was on a quest to find him because I knew I could like him.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Why was I doing life that meant I didn't really share me with anyone?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't let anyone get too close.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I certainly wasn't gonna get married.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because marriage means you fall in love.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And let somebody in close.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's not gonna happen.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's for those nice people over there.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And yet, of course, I wanted to be married.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: In the sense that, well, maybe not married, I wanted to have somebody close just for me that owned me and I owned them.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Owning is important because they won't leave you.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: But therein is the problem.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: If you give your heart to someone and they leave, like my parents did, it's not safe.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And so the caught in relationship can be quite turbulent where you're actually testing the other person.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: I often view it a bit like the bucking horse in the westerns, the unridden horse where you gotta get on.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: No sexual connotation in this.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: But if you can ride me, I'll put a ring on it.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's a buck in and a shove-in.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: I call it the push me pull you, push me pull you.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I love you, I want you to come close.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I really want somebody for me, and then when you get too close, it's oh I need to push you away because this is dangerous, you might get too close.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I have to test you with my heart and see, can you hold me?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna buck and give you a hard time.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can stay in there, I'll put a ring on it because I've tested you.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Don't you dare ever leave.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Those dynamics are not in the conscious.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: But they're played out constantly.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Look at the early days of the two of you coming together.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Testing the other to see if they can hold your love.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Some stuff of attachment may still be playing itself out, and it will be impacting the quality of sex, even if sex is good.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sex can be good because in the conflict the makeup is lush.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: But the consistently good where you're vulnerable is what we're talking about.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: And all the research will tell us those with the most enjoyable and fulfilling sex life are those with secure attachments.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's worth looking at.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Shall we look at that?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Send me a message.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to get your relationship back onto a better footing for your future.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do some work without shame and bring colour back to life.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Send the email, send the message to me, Gary McFarlane at the Kairos Center.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: And let's begin to reclaim your quality of life.