Latest / Fartmouth / 340 - Skeeter Parker

Transcript

340 - Skeeter Parker · Fartmouth

0:00
SPEAKER_00: You know what's uh I I've it's pretty well established that I hate kids.
0:05
SPEAKER_00: I've never been a kids person.
0:06
SPEAKER_00: I can handle them pretty well for short bursts.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
0:10
SPEAKER_00: Um and then after a while, especially when they're talking or existing near me.
0:16
SPEAKER_00: Right.
0:17
SPEAKER_00: Um in any capacity that's not sleeping or just completely distracted by something.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: Right.
0:23
SPEAKER_00: Uh it gets old very quickly for me.
0:26
SPEAKER_00: But there are those there's things that hap can happen in those short bursts that are very fun.
0:31
SPEAKER_00: And I've just discovered today a really fun game to play with a small child is to pretend like you don't know anything at all.
0:42
SPEAKER_00: Uh I was gonna go pee out in your backyard, and the child was like uh I said I had to pee.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: And uh she was like, Are you gonna pee outside?
0:52
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Yeah, that's where I always pee.
0:55
SPEAKER_00: She said that that's inappropriate.
0:57
SPEAKER_00: That's what she said?
0:58
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
0:59
SPEAKER_00: Nice.
0:59
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Okay, well, like do I have to pee in the bathroom?
1:02
SPEAKER_00: She was like, Yeah.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Well, I don't know where it is, and she's like, You know where the bathroom is?
1:07
SPEAKER_00: I was like, I forgot.
1:09
SPEAKER_00: So I made her lead me to the bathroom.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: She's like, here it is, and I was like, Oh yeah.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: And she goes, This is the sink, and I was like, Oh, I'm just gonna pretend I don't know anything.
1:18
SPEAKER_00: And she's like, Uh, this is the sink where I brush my teeth and wash my face.
1:22
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Oh, okay, where's the toilet?
1:25
SPEAKER_00: She's like, right here.
1:27
SPEAKER_00: I was like, Oh, okay, how's it work?
1:29
SPEAKER_00: She's like, Well, you lift the lid and then you pee in it, and then you flush it.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Oh.
1:37
SPEAKER_00: That just made me laugh a lot.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: I thought that was really fun.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: Nice.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: So do that.
1:41
SPEAKER_00: But you know, if you listen to the show, probably don't go near kids like ever.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: So don't even have the phone.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
1:51
SPEAKER_03: Well, minds can find sleep.
1:55
SPEAKER_03: Fart Meth University.
1:58
SPEAKER_03: The intro song was phoned in this week.
2:02
SPEAKER_03: It's Fart Myth University.
2:05
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
2:06
SPEAKER_01: Was it?
2:07
SPEAKER_01: It was literally phoned in.
2:08
SPEAKER_01: Someone called me and told me to sing that.
2:10
SPEAKER_01: Really?
2:10
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
2:11
SPEAKER_00: That's crazy because I was sitting right here and uh I'm just no-anding you right now.
2:16
SPEAKER_00: I was sitting here the whole time.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: That never happened.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: Fuck.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: I really love to play the bit where uh somebody says something, and then I go, that person just texted me right now and said the exact opposite thing.
2:30
SPEAKER_00: That's a really fun bit.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast.
2:35
SPEAKER_00: A show whose hosts.
2:37
SPEAKER_00: I I wrote it.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: Hang on.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: Let me start over.
2:40
SPEAKER_00: Okay?
2:42
SPEAKER_00: Welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast, a show whose hosts think women should be paid more than men.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: We are 100% on board with whatever it takes to get them to stop complaining.
2:57
SPEAKER_00: Give them 40 cents more.
2:58
SPEAKER_00: I don't care.
2:59
SPEAKER_00: Just shut them up.
3:00
SPEAKER_00: Every week we do a few rotating segments of make each other laugh.
3:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm Tyler.
3:03
SPEAKER_00: I'm Jake.
3:05
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna get right on into the show, boys.
3:10
SPEAKER_00: Coming in hot after a slick, sweaty, spurgy spooks episode.
3:16
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
3:17
SPEAKER_00: Back to the good old fashioned.
3:21
SPEAKER_00: Would you rather we'll have guests on soon?
3:27
SPEAKER_00: It's been a while.
3:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
3:29
SPEAKER_00: I miss talking to the boys.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: We haven't talked to Nick in forever, dude.
3:33
SPEAKER_00: It's been a while.
3:34
SPEAKER_00: We haven't talked to Andrew in forever, dude.
3:36
SPEAKER_02: Since we've heard Jodie B say something racist.
3:41
SPEAKER_00: It hasn't been that long for me.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: It hasn't been that long for me.
3:45
SPEAKER_00: Like on the air, you know.
3:46
SPEAKER_00: Nah, I went on fucking shakes over the week.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: Not that long ago.
3:51
SPEAKER_01: That's true, yeah.
3:52
SPEAKER_01: I remember the genre now, too.
3:54
SPEAKER_01: So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
3:55
SPEAKER_00: It was mostly about Jews, ironically.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: Still racism.
3:59
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, big time.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: Love it.
4:00
SPEAKER_00: Good stuff.
4:02
SPEAKER_00: Uh, all right.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: Uh, would you rather?
4:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm doing your topic from last time, and then I have a new topic.
4:09
SPEAKER_00: Your topic from last time, as I discovered this morning at work, because I had to go back and listen, was cum.
4:16
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, boy.
4:18
SPEAKER_00: Cum was your topic.
4:19
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
4:20
SPEAKER_00: So I had to come up with something that maybe I'd never done before.
4:23
SPEAKER_00: And uh, by the grace of God, I think I came up with a couple of options that we have uh not shot our loads upon yet.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
4:32
SPEAKER_00: All right, so Jake, would you rather soak in a hot tub full of cum once a month for a year?
4:41
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
4:42
SPEAKER_00: Or for the next five years, at least once a week, you have to sneak a freshly jerked load into a new random person that you know in your life's drink.
4:57
SPEAKER_03: Oh.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
4:59
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
5:00
SPEAKER_00: So hot tub full of Jesus.
5:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, which is I at first I was like just a bathtub, but then I thought about how the jets would interact with cum, and I could not stop laughing to myself about just thick and soupy.
5:18
SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's gonna be gelatinous in a hot tub, you would think.
5:21
SPEAKER_01: Well, no, that might keep it liquidy a little bit.
5:24
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
5:25
SPEAKER_01: Um, just full of cum.
5:28
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
5:29
SPEAKER_01: And it's not AIDS cum necessarily.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: Just regular, you know, off-the-street guy cum.
5:35
SPEAKER_01: Run of the mill, cum.
5:38
SPEAKER_01: Cum of the mill.
5:40
SPEAKER_01: Uh Cumberland Gap.
5:44
SPEAKER_01: Um, I should I should use cum as my uh uh interstitial there.
5:52
SPEAKER_01: Um cum.
5:54
SPEAKER_01: Uh I I think I don't know.
5:56
SPEAKER_01: That doesn't other than the fact that it's cum.
6:00
SPEAKER_01: Like if you didn't know it was cum, that might be fantastic.
6:05
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
6:06
SPEAKER_01: You think it's gonna do wonders for your skin?
6:08
SPEAKER_01: No, I just mean like it might be comfy.
6:11
SPEAKER_01: Comfy.
6:12
SPEAKER_01: Comfy.
6:12
SPEAKER_01: Uh it might be comfortable.
6:15
SPEAKER_00: I think that everything about it is gonna be uncomfortable for you mentally and maybe even physically, because it's not like a comfortable substance to be drenched in.
6:27
SPEAKER_01: No.
6:28
SPEAKER_01: I mean, the after is gonna be the worst part.
6:31
SPEAKER_01: Like, I mean, well, I guess you just shower it out.
6:33
SPEAKER_01: The smell might be horrific, dude.
6:34
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, the smell's gonna be pretty bad.
6:36
SPEAKER_01: That's a lot of cum.
6:37
SPEAKER_01: Sensory overload.
6:39
SPEAKER_01: A little bit of cum coming out of you, like right out the tap, doesn't smell bad.
6:44
SPEAKER_01: It it has a smell, but it's not like you gotta get right up on it to smell it, you know?
6:49
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
6:49
SPEAKER_01: But if you got a bunch of cum just sitting.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: And anything that's heated up smells strong.
6:55
SPEAKER_01: You activate the fucking the the aromatic um nature of it for sure.
7:02
SPEAKER_01: I think the sneakiness of trying to get a a a load into people's drinks is fun.
7:20
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
7:21
SPEAKER_01: But I'm I'm not very sneaky.
7:27
SPEAKER_01: Right.
7:27
SPEAKER_01: Like I'm not, I would never be a spy.
7:30
SPEAKER_01: You're very not very nonchalant.
7:32
SPEAKER_01: Right.
7:32
SPEAKER_01: You're quite chalant.
7:33
SPEAKER_01: I'm pretty chalant.
7:35
SPEAKER_01: So I think I I I just think that option just doesn't work for me and my personality very well.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: Um I mean, the anxiety that you would feel that you're gonna get caught would be a nightmare.
7:50
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
7:51
SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna be shaken and I'm probably gonna drop the cum on multiple occasions uh across these five years that I have to do this.
7:58
SPEAKER_01: Uh and and I'm just thinking, like, who's the the best candidate for this surprise?
8:05
SPEAKER_01: I mean it's obviously my chick.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: Your list of enemies is gonna get crossed off pretty early, I feel like, too.
8:11
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm saying my chick's the best because you know has to be a new person each time.
8:15
SPEAKER_01: Oh fuck.
8:17
SPEAKER_01: But but I could like go between two just back and forth.
8:20
SPEAKER_00: No, it has to be it's uh fifty-two new people.
8:24
SPEAKER_01: Each year.
8:24
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
8:25
SPEAKER_01: But that's 260 people.
8:30
SPEAKER_01: I don't know that many people.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: Well, it doesn't have to be somebody that you are well acquainted with.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: It's like, you know, you could hit your boss, and then you could hit like your boss's cousin or something.
8:42
SPEAKER_00: So here's what I would do in this scenario.
8:46
SPEAKER_01: I'm going out to the bar each week.
8:49
SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna meet my next victim.
8:54
SPEAKER_00: He's out stalking like a serial killer.
8:57
SPEAKER_01: It's just gonna be a dude, probably.
8:58
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
8:59
SPEAKER_01: You know, chicks don't talk to you out at bars anyway.
9:02
SPEAKER_00: It's not really assault if it's a guy.
9:04
SPEAKER_01: And I don't really want to talk to women like that anyway.
9:08
SPEAKER_01: So like bar bar bar skanks are really annoying.
9:12
SPEAKER_01: That's what I'm saying.
9:13
SPEAKER_01: So like I wouldn't even, even if I'm single, no.
9:16
SPEAKER_01: Like, I wouldn't be going out to bars just talking to the skanks anyway.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: So, like, uh, I'm just gonna try to meet.
9:24
SPEAKER_01: Here's what I'll do go to a fucking sports bar, do you?
9:28
SPEAKER_01: Talk to some bros about football.
9:30
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
9:30
SPEAKER_01: And then as soon as a motherfucker goes, Oh, you like the Raiders?
9:35
SPEAKER_01: I like the Chiefs.
9:37
SPEAKER_01: That's my victim.
9:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
9:39
SPEAKER_01: Or, oh man, I like the Chargers.
9:41
SPEAKER_01: Buddy, that guy's already drinking cum.
9:44
SPEAKER_01: Well, he's used to it.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: He won't know then.
9:47
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
9:47
SPEAKER_00: You're just gonna be putting loads on loads at that point.
9:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dude.
9:51
SPEAKER_01: He won't know.
9:52
SPEAKER_01: He won't have he won't suspect me from the taste of his beer.
9:56
SPEAKER_01: Because he his his tongue is used to cum being on it.
10:00
SPEAKER_01: Uh so I think that's what I'm gonna do.
10:03
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna go out to sports bars, I'm gonna go out to B dubs, I'm gonna hit up spots like that and just meet the worst person.
10:10
SPEAKER_01: Because you're gonna see a wasted dude who just leaves his beer sitting there for anyone to do whatever with.
10:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
10:17
SPEAKER_01: And I'm just gonna drop my little cum roofies in it, and he's gonna he's gonna get some extra protein that he's not planning on.
10:25
SPEAKER_01: Damn, roofing ball.
10:27
SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm also gonna keep straws.
10:29
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm gonna get cargo shorts specifically for this.
10:33
SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna get bendy straws, and I'm gonna get like, you know, probably a box of like 300 of them for the whole experience.
10:41
SPEAKER_01: So then for the whole five years, I'm I'm set.
10:43
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
10:44
SPEAKER_01: And then I'm gonna take those bendy straws, I'm gonna take one each time I do it, and I'm gonna put the cum in there, take the bendy straw, drop it in there, fucking whisk it around real good for like three to five seconds to get the cum to like be a solution within the beer so that it's not just a gloppy load right there.
11:02
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because they have to drink it, right?
11:04
SPEAKER_00: There's a suspended heterogeneous mixture.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
11:06
SPEAKER_01: That's what they call in chemistry class.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: Like, yes, like the ocean with the salt water.
11:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
11:12
SPEAKER_01: So that's homogenous because you can't, well, sure, but you you can't you can't see the the salt in the water, right?
11:20
SPEAKER_01: But you can taste the salt in the water, and that's how this cum's gonna be.
11:23
SPEAKER_00: And you're hoping they don't they don't taste the cum in the morning.
11:26
SPEAKER_01: If they're a Chiefs fan, they won't, like you're saying.
11:28
SPEAKER_01: You're right.
11:29
SPEAKER_01: That they are all cum guzzlers for sure.
11:32
SPEAKER_01: They they gargle with cum in the morning, dude.
11:35
SPEAKER_01: They're bunch of mohomos.
11:36
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dog.
11:39
SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah.
11:41
SPEAKER_01: So um, you know, and they're just they're totally checked out of life anyway.
11:46
SPEAKER_01: Because their wife, like their wife's blasting Taylor Swift in the house every day.
11:50
SPEAKER_01: Oh gosh.
11:51
SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, uh, which I got I got major problems with Taylor Swift, more than I used to have.
11:59
SPEAKER_01: Major problems.
12:00
SPEAKER_01: New developments.
12:01
SPEAKER_01: Well, the child's grandmother turned her on to Taylor Swift.
12:09
SPEAKER_01: And she was having a problem for a while where she would stay up super late and be watching YouTube slop well into the night.
12:18
SPEAKER_01: So we had to take away her TV privileges because you can't just let a four-year-old do that.
12:24
SPEAKER_01: So we in in preparation for kindergarten, we were like, hey, you're gonna be a big girl now, can't be watching TV every night.
12:31
SPEAKER_01: So I got her a CD player.
12:34
SPEAKER_01: Because at the time, the only CD I had to like worry about being on repeat in the house was the K-pop Demon Hunters soundtrack, which I was fine with.
12:43
SPEAKER_01: It's a it's a fine family film, and uh the songs are not complete dog shit, they're actually well written by like really cool like Korean people who know what the fuck they're doing writing a song, unlike Taylor Swift.
12:58
SPEAKER_01: And but Nana got her to Taylor Swift CDs.
13:05
SPEAKER_01: So now, Tyler, I have Taylor Swift songs stuck in my fucking head like 40% of my life.
13:14
SPEAKER_01: Like what?
13:16
SPEAKER_01: Mostly from the new album, which is the worst.
13:20
SPEAKER_01: It's the worst.
13:21
SPEAKER_01: Ophelia, dude.
13:23
SPEAKER_01: That song is chief among them, dude.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: It's so bad.
13:27
SPEAKER_01: She says, buy land, buy what is it, buy, buy land, buy air, buy sea, or whatever.
13:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, buy land, buy air, buy sea, your hands, your team, your vibe, or whatever it is.
13:43
SPEAKER_01: Land seed sky.
13:44
SPEAKER_01: That's what it is.
13:44
SPEAKER_01: Land, see, sky, and then hands team vibe.
13:49
SPEAKER_01: Because, because football.
13:52
SPEAKER_01: And I hate, I fucking hate that Taylor Swift is referencing football.
13:59
SPEAKER_01: I hate that.
14:01
SPEAKER_01: I hate it.
14:02
SPEAKER_01: Because it's something I like and something I absolutely fucking hate converging, and I hate that.
14:08
SPEAKER_00: So funny, dude.
14:09
SPEAKER_01: This is like, like, not only is it terrible that I have to see this bitch on my television twice a year because the Raiders and Chiefs are in the same division, but now I have to hear this bitch in my house talking about one of the dudes that's on that rival team.
14:25
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
14:26
SPEAKER_01: It's the worst.
14:27
SPEAKER_01: As a Raiders fan, it's the fucking worst.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: That's so funny.
14:30
SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I didn't even mean to get into a Taylor Smith fuck you piece of shit, but fuck her, dude.
14:35
SPEAKER_01: She's ducked.
14:37
SPEAKER_01: I've been, dude.
14:39
SPEAKER_01: And actually, the big development is she dropped these four new songs or whatever as her encore to the album, which is it's all just capitalism.
14:48
SPEAKER_01: It's all just to get wine moms to fucking buy the vinyl that they're never gonna fucking spin.
14:52
SPEAKER_01: That's all it's for.
14:54
SPEAKER_01: It's just so Target can sell a million copies of her vinyl and she can bog down the fucking vinyl industry again.
15:01
SPEAKER_01: Anyway.
15:02
SPEAKER_01: So I, you know, I have more problems with the Chiefs than I used to, is is the point.
15:10
SPEAKER_01: So Chiefs fans, fuck you.
15:12
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
15:12
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna put cum in your drinks.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
15:15
SPEAKER_00: That's that's the point.
15:16
SPEAKER_00: Can I detail my strategy for the cum extraction?
15:20
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
15:21
SPEAKER_00: So here's my plan, okay?
15:24
SPEAKER_00: Hoodies.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: Hoodies are chief to my plan.
15:30
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
15:31
SPEAKER_00: They make hoodies where they like kind of they have like a little hole where you can like put your say back in the day before AirPods took over, right?
15:41
SPEAKER_00: You would have your phone in your hoodie pocket, and then you'd have your headphones with the wire going up, right?
15:47
SPEAKER_00: And it would get caught and snagged.
15:48
SPEAKER_00: So they made hoodies that have like the little rubber thing where you can pop your headphone thing through and run it up the hoodie into your ear.
15:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, inside the hoodie, yeah, yeah.
15:58
SPEAKER_00: So I got a hoodie, I'm gonna carve a hole.
16:01
SPEAKER_00: I've got like a little squeezy tube, like something you can like a I guess.
16:07
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it this sounds incredibly inappropriate and completely fucked up in this context, but something like a baby bottle.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
16:14
SPEAKER_00: Full of jizz that I just freshly squeezed.
16:17
SPEAKER_00: Basically the opposite of well, no, no, no.
16:19
SPEAKER_01: It's like a douche.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, a douche is a better example.
16:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then you know, attach a rubber tube to it, run it through, up my sleeve, boom, down, and I'm Spider-Manning that shit right into those beers.
16:32
SPEAKER_01: Sure, dude.
16:32
SPEAKER_01: Good.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna I'm shooting the web.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: No one will ever know.
16:37
SPEAKER_00: I'm just protecting my friend's drink while he's in the bathroom, squirt squirt.
16:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm Miles Moralgies.
16:44
SPEAKER_00: Yes, exactly.
16:46
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, Toby come guire, bro.
16:50
SPEAKER_01: Exactly, dude.
16:52
SPEAKER_01: Um, yeah.
16:53
SPEAKER_01: Uh I was trying to think of a Peter Parker, but there's really not one.
16:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
16:57
SPEAKER_01: Like Seaman Parker, but not as well.
16:59
SPEAKER_01: That's all right.
16:59
SPEAKER_01: I mean, yeah.
17:00
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I uh verb-wise, that is what you're doing, but uh, but yeah, no.
17:06
SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah, that's a good idea.
17:08
SPEAKER_01: I like I like that strat.
17:09
SPEAKER_01: Um, I would steal it if I had to do this.
17:12
SPEAKER_01: Andrew Goofield.
17:13
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
17:14
SPEAKER_01: Nice, dude.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: Trying to make one for him.
17:20
SPEAKER_01: And Goo Garfield.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: That works too.
17:23
SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah, cool.
17:25
SPEAKER_01: We got him.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: We got all the Spider-Man guys.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: I couldn't think of who else played Spider-Man at some point.
17:30
SPEAKER_01: Tom, what's that?
17:31
SPEAKER_01: What's that fuck's name?
17:33
SPEAKER_01: You know, Tom.
17:35
SPEAKER_01: You know, the new one, the newest Spider-Man.
17:37
SPEAKER_01: Is it Tom Holland?
17:38
SPEAKER_01: That's it.
17:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
17:39
SPEAKER_01: Tom Bolland.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: Tom Bolland, yeah.
17:41
SPEAKER_00: I was thinking, for some reason my brain went to Jake Gillenhall and I was like, Jake Jisenballs, obviously.
17:46
SPEAKER_01: Cum Holland.
17:48
SPEAKER_01: Not bad.
17:48
SPEAKER_01: That's what it is.
17:49
SPEAKER_01: Not bad.
17:49
SPEAKER_01: That's better than Tom Bolland because the ball doesn't really tell you that it's cum happening.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: Right.
17:55
SPEAKER_00: That's where it lives.
17:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: But also P lives there.
17:58
SPEAKER_00: So for sure now.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for sure.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: Little mixture.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: Some uh lemon meringue pie.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: Dude, Skeeter Parker.
18:04
SPEAKER_00: Skeeter Parker.
18:05
SPEAKER_00: That's beautiful.
18:06
SPEAKER_00: That's it, right there.
18:08
SPEAKER_01: Skeeter Parker, dude.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: Love it.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: All right.
18:11
SPEAKER_00: All right, cool.
18:12
SPEAKER_00: I would also pick that option because I don't want to bathe in Jiz at all.
18:14
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: Uh, and being sneaky and it would make me feel weird probably the first dozen times.
18:21
SPEAKER_00: After that, I'm just doing my job, dude.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: That's what I would tell the call.
18:25
SPEAKER_00: I'm just doing my job.
18:27
SPEAKER_00: I was hired to do this.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, uh, so my topic for would you rather for this week, and one that you will have to remember and probably should write down as I say it.
18:34
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
18:34
SPEAKER_00: So you don't forget and have to do what I do and listen to our gay show.
18:37
SPEAKER_02: Sure, sure.
18:39
SPEAKER_00: But everyone else should uh is worms.
18:44
SPEAKER_00: The topic is worms.
18:46
SPEAKER_00: And I kept it simple but effective, I think.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
18:50
SPEAKER_00: So would you rather, Jake, yeah, eat a whole cereal bowl full of earthworms?
18:57
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
18:58
SPEAKER_00: Simple and effective.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: Not something you want to do.
19:01
SPEAKER_00: Kind of a fear factor type deal.
19:02
SPEAKER_00: Right.
19:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: Or dig a tapeworm out of your dad's ass barehanded.
19:11
SPEAKER_00: Little system of a down influence there.
19:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:15
SPEAKER_00: Pull the tapeworm out of your dad's ass.
19:17
SPEAKER_00: Hey.
19:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, dude.
19:19
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:20
SPEAKER_00: Track two.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: Track two on toxicity.
19:22
SPEAKER_00: Catch the head.
19:23
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: I guess it's the tail.
19:25
SPEAKER_00: Probably.
19:26
SPEAKER_00: I think they bury their head in the intestine.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the head is eating, right?
19:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: Eating all your food.
19:31
SPEAKER_00: So you gotta like gotta dig up, you gotta get up in there, pinch the tail, and delicately pull it out.
19:38
SPEAKER_01: Oh, dude.
19:39
SPEAKER_00: I don't think gapeworm was ever thought of.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: I definitely said that at some point.
19:44
SPEAKER_00: You did?
19:44
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
19:45
SPEAKER_00: A year ago, probably.
19:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, probably.
19:46
SPEAKER_00: Pull the gapeworm out of your ass.
19:48
SPEAKER_01: Okay, you might have said that now that you're saying the whole thing.
19:51
SPEAKER_01: I think that probably was said, actually.
19:53
SPEAKER_00: Uh I almost wore my system of a down shirt over here, but then as I was putting it on, I was like, I think I'm gonna wear this to our show.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: Nice.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: Fucking wolves.
20:01
SPEAKER_00: This is uh King of the Hill Unsolved Mysteries mashup shirt that I'm wearing.
20:06
SPEAKER_01: Um yeah, I'm just wearing a work shirt, so uh not not exciting.
20:10
SPEAKER_00: Um I can wear whatever I want because I have a fucking washer and dryer now, bitch.
20:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, dude.
20:15
SPEAKER_00: I can wash my clothes today, tomorrow.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: Fucking I could even do it on, I don't know, like a Sunday if I wanted to.
20:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
20:22
SPEAKER_00: And I don't even need to break into your house, dude.
20:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
20:25
SPEAKER_00: Everybody can suck it.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah, no, I can uh freedom.
20:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
20:30
SPEAKER_00: Freedom Richie Havens.
20:33
SPEAKER_01: Uh so uh Did you forget?
20:38
SPEAKER_01: Eat a bowl of earthworms?
20:39
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no.
20:40
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm just uh I'm just thinking like eating the bowl of earthworms is not like it's bad.
20:46
SPEAKER_01: Don't get me wrong, it's gonna be gross, it's gonna be the worst thing ever.
20:50
SPEAKER_01: But it's just not nearly as bad as digging a tapeworm out of my dad's raw asshole.
20:56
SPEAKER_01: Raw with my raw fingies.
20:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
20:59
SPEAKER_00: Um I wanna I wanted to ask you this because I was conflicted when writing it.
21:04
SPEAKER_00: I didn't know which would be worse if you had to dig the tapeworm out of your dad's ass or your mom's ass.
21:10
SPEAKER_00: I think dad's would be worse.
21:12
SPEAKER_01: I thought so too.
21:13
SPEAKER_01: Just for the just the social aspect of it, the fact that he's vehemently not gay, you know?
21:22
SPEAKER_01: Right, right.
21:23
SPEAKER_01: Uh like he doesn't even joke about gay shit, and and like you can barely get him to smirk off a gay joke usually if it involves him or anyone he knows that's not gay.
21:35
SPEAKER_01: Um yeah.
21:39
SPEAKER_01: Um I think maybe the modifier of if the earthworms were soaked in if if like the milk of the earthworm cereal was jizz, maybe that would sweeten the pot on it just because if it's the dirt that they come in.
21:59
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: I gotta eat a bowl full of dirt and earthworms.
22:02
SPEAKER_01: That that's mutt.
22:03
SPEAKER_01: Like you go to that's more even.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: Go to the bake shop, you buy like three of the little blue, like the thinnest, shittiest plastic ever made, by the way.
22:14
SPEAKER_00: If you've ever bought earthworms, that blue thing with all the holes.
22:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:18
SPEAKER_00: What plastic is that?
22:19
SPEAKER_00: Where did that come from?
22:21
SPEAKER_00: It's the only thing in the world made of that material.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: It's gotta be a byproduct of something else that's actually useful.
22:27
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: It's like runoff.
22:29
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:30
SPEAKER_00: They just scooped it up out of a ditch and they're like, I mean, there's worms in it already.
22:35
SPEAKER_01: Let's just use it for the worms.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, you go, you go by like three of those and you dump the whole thing in the bowl.
22:41
SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: That's what you gotta eat.
22:43
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
22:44
SPEAKER_00: Or you got like a fucking three and a half foot long tapeworm to pull out of your dad.
22:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I th mmm.
22:55
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
22:57
SPEAKER_01: So I did recently listen to the Ovan's podcast.
23:05
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
23:05
SPEAKER_01: For the first time in probably five years.
23:08
SPEAKER_01: Nice.
23:08
SPEAKER_01: I haven't listened to it in a long time.
23:10
SPEAKER_01: Uh but actually scratch that.
23:13
SPEAKER_01: I listened to the Trump episode two years ago.
23:15
SPEAKER_01: But before that, it was three years.
23:17
SPEAKER_01: So it feels like five years that I've listened to.
23:19
SPEAKER_01: Uh and he had Neil deGrasse Tyson on.
23:21
SPEAKER_01: The only reason I listened, obviously.
23:24
SPEAKER_01: Uh because Neil drops hot fire science facts all the time.
23:28
SPEAKER_00: It's also yin and yang.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: You got the dumbest guy.
23:31
SPEAKER_01: Exactly, dude.
23:32
SPEAKER_01: So he's explaining shit to Theo like he's five, because he has the brain of a five-year-old.
23:37
SPEAKER_01: And then I have the brain of like a 12-year-old.
23:40
SPEAKER_01: So I'm like a little, it makes me feel smart, you know?
23:43
SPEAKER_01: So I listened to that.
23:45
SPEAKER_01: And Neil was talking about substances that you can't digest that literally come out of your asshole in the exact same chemical form that they entered your mouth.
23:56
SPEAKER_00: Right.
23:57
SPEAKER_01: And I feel like dirt is probably one of those.
23:59
SPEAKER_00: I would say so.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: It's just dirt is just tiny rocks and decayed plants.
24:04
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
24:05
SPEAKER_01: So what I'm thinking is I'm still gonna eat the worms and the dirt because the dirt will just go through me, probably cause some digestive discomfort.
24:15
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
24:16
SPEAKER_01: And probably cause some digestive discomfort, but it won't be like the end of the fucking world.
24:21
SPEAKER_01: Like it'll it would suck.
24:23
SPEAKER_01: It would be terrible.
24:24
SPEAKER_01: The fact is, my dad is a 70-year-old man, and he uh well, next year he'll be 70.
24:33
SPEAKER_00: And dude, he's 69, and you never told me.
24:35
SPEAKER_00: Oh shit.
24:36
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, he is the year of our lord.
24:37
SPEAKER_01: He's the age of our lord, 69.
24:39
SPEAKER_01: And uh he, you know, I I don't want to put him through that, man.
24:44
SPEAKER_01: He's already got a pacemaker, like he's been through a lot.
24:46
SPEAKER_01: I don't, you know, I don't want to put the old man through that.
24:50
SPEAKER_01: You know, I don't even argue politics with him anymore because I don't want to put him through that.
24:54
SPEAKER_01: Uh the last time I did, it was like a year and a half ago, and he was trying to argue like Trump's benefit, you know, and I was like, dude, I was knocking every point of his down, dude.
25:05
SPEAKER_01: I was ready.
25:06
SPEAKER_01: I knew he was just gonna hit me with the usual talking points because all he does is listen to Damn Bongino every goddamn day.
25:12
SPEAKER_01: And then and he's hitting me with all the all the shit I'd done seen on Twitter two weeks ago.
25:17
SPEAKER_01: And so I was prepped and I hit him with, dude, I I fucking shot down every assertion he made for like two minutes straight.
25:27
SPEAKER_01: And he goes, You just got an answer for everything, don't you?
25:31
SPEAKER_01: And that moment, what that I I realized, I was like, oh, I need to stop talking politics with my pops.
25:39
SPEAKER_00: Like it's like you're playing one-on-one with a little kid and you're Keiko Jordan over here.
25:43
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dude.
25:43
SPEAKER_01: I mean, it just ain't gonna happen.
25:45
SPEAKER_01: He's he's trying to he's hitting me with all this shit I done hurt.
25:49
SPEAKER_01: It's like when you s when when someone shows you a meme from Instagram, and that shit was on Twitter a week ago.
25:55
SPEAKER_01: Those are the talking points he's hitting me with.
25:57
SPEAKER_01: And I just, dude, I've already seen this argued a million times.
26:02
SPEAKER_00: So I'm just i funny out of here, dude.
26:04
SPEAKER_00: I got a Reddit account.
26:05
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
26:05
SPEAKER_01: I got multiple angles to hit you from with this, and I'm not even hitting him with like any kind of like super heady shit.
26:13
SPEAKER_01: I'm just like, that doesn't logically make sense, dad.
26:16
SPEAKER_01: But you know what?
26:18
SPEAKER_01: At the end of the day, it doesn't fucking matter, and I'm not arguing politics with him anymore.
26:22
SPEAKER_01: And I'm not pulling tapeworms out of his ass.
26:25
SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna eat, I'm gonna take the L on this.
26:27
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna, I'm gonna fucking take the digestive punishment.
26:32
SPEAKER_00: What a hero.
26:33
SPEAKER_01: And uh yeah, I'm gonna eat the dirt and the worms, and uh we'll see.
26:36
SPEAKER_01: We'll see what happens.
26:37
SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I think the worst part about it, obviously, besides I think, okay, so number one, the worst thing is the worms.
26:44
SPEAKER_00: Because like, I don't know if I ever told you this story or not.
26:47
SPEAKER_00: I feel like maybe I did.
26:48
SPEAKER_01: I feel like you have, but it's ringing a bell already.
26:51
SPEAKER_00: Uh there was this kid that I went to school with, his name is Mason, and he had a birthday party, and his grandma like went all the fuck out.
27:00
SPEAKER_00: And she like planned this crazy birthday party where it was survivor themed.
27:04
SPEAKER_00: And we had like How old?
27:06
SPEAKER_00: Hold on, how old?
27:07
SPEAKER_00: I think maybe 12.
27:08
SPEAKER_01: Okay, alright.
27:09
SPEAKER_01: 10 or 12.
27:10
SPEAKER_01: Middle school's the age where a survivor-themed birthday party becomes viable.
27:14
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be honest with you if he was eight.
27:15
SPEAKER_01: I was gonna be like, Did you beat the fuck out of him at this birthday party?
27:19
SPEAKER_01: Because that's the weirdest fucking thing.
27:21
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, 12 is like, ah, alright.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: It was like Survivor Season 3 had just come out.
27:26
SPEAKER_00: Right.
27:27
SPEAKER_00: It was as popular as it ever been.
27:29
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:30
SPEAKER_00: Um, but I'm gonna be for it was fucking sick.
27:33
SPEAKER_00: It was badass, dude.
27:34
SPEAKER_00: We had tribal council meetings.
27:36
SPEAKER_01: Challenges and shit.
27:37
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they lived in an apartment building and this bitch pulled off a campfire.
27:40
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
27:41
SPEAKER_01: I know.
27:42
SPEAKER_01: And you had you all had bandanas, I'm assuming, with colors and shit.
27:46
SPEAKER_00: It was sick.
27:48
SPEAKER_01: Well, he was 12.
27:49
SPEAKER_01: That's fine.
27:49
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's fine middle school and up.
27:52
SPEAKER_01: But if he if he was a super turbo nerd at eight and wanted that, that's weird.
27:56
SPEAKER_01: I don't like that.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:58
SPEAKER_00: Well, one of the challenges we had to do was we had to eat a worm.
28:04
SPEAKER_00: Um now that I think about it, this grandma was wildly irresponsible.
28:09
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
28:09
SPEAKER_00: We had to eat a worm.
28:11
SPEAKER_01: What is this queer factor shit all of a sudden?
28:13
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
28:13
SPEAKER_01: They didn't have to do anything like that on Survivor, did they?
28:16
SPEAKER_01: I'm just telling you.
28:17
SPEAKER_01: Well, they they ate weird shit to survive.
28:20
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
28:21
SPEAKER_01: I guess is the point.
28:21
SPEAKER_01: Okay, I guess.
28:22
SPEAKER_01: Never mind.
28:22
SPEAKER_01: Sorry, I'll stop interrupting.
28:24
SPEAKER_00: Well, so I played baseball, uh, and the pitcher for our team's name's Josh.
28:30
SPEAKER_00: And he and I were the only ones of the whole group that were like, I'll do it.
28:36
SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, you know me.
28:37
SPEAKER_00: I'm like ball hair.
28:39
SPEAKER_00: I'll do whatever, bro.
28:40
SPEAKER_00: So me and Josh were like, uh actually, the thing was, whoever eats a worm gets like immunity from tribal council.
28:49
SPEAKER_00: I think I that's what it was.
28:51
SPEAKER_00: That makes sense.
28:51
SPEAKER_00: And nobody else would do it.
28:53
SPEAKER_00: And then I wanted to do it and Josh wanted to do it.
28:56
SPEAKER_00: And we were like, why don't we just cut this worm in half and we'll both do it and we'll both be immune in tribal council because we were the only ones that wanted to.
29:05
SPEAKER_00: It's more gnarly.
29:06
SPEAKER_01: More gnarly than a severed worm?
29:08
SPEAKER_01: Eating the severed worm is more gnarly than just a regular worm.
29:12
SPEAKER_01: I don't think so.
29:12
SPEAKER_01: Well, if you Well, that's because you have logic that you applied to it in the moment, and you were like, well, it's gonna be severed when I chew through it the first time anyway.
29:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
29:23
SPEAKER_01: But think about it.
29:25
SPEAKER_01: As a kid, a fucking worm, a half a worm, I don't know.
29:30
SPEAKER_01: My brain is like firing off of it.
29:32
SPEAKER_01: Now you got no no no no no.
29:33
SPEAKER_00: And just looking at it, you've got the shit oozing out of the that's what I'm saying.
29:37
SPEAKER_01: It's bleeding.
29:38
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like that seems worse.
29:39
SPEAKER_01: It should only begin bleeding after I am eating it.
29:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and by then it's too late, I'll just swallow all the blood.
29:45
SPEAKER_00: If you're eating a whole entire worm, your only options are chew it up or just swallow it whole.
29:51
SPEAKER_00: And I feel like having it wiggling around in your tummy is gonna be way worse.
29:56
SPEAKER_00: Because it's gonna when it hits that stomach acid, it is gonna go ballistic.
29:59
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, dude.
30:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
30:01
SPEAKER_00: I don't want to eat anything alive at all.
30:04
SPEAKER_00: That's why I watch these fucking Japs eating fucking live octopus and shit.
30:08
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, it's suckering to the inside of your stomach lining.
30:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's weird.
30:11
SPEAKER_00: What are you doing?
30:13
SPEAKER_00: That's what protects your acid from eating through your stomach and giving you ulcers and shit.
30:17
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, got it suckers on there ripping fucking enzymes off your shit, bro.
30:22
SPEAKER_00: What are y'all doing?
30:24
SPEAKER_00: It's weird.
30:24
SPEAKER_00: Just kill the fucking thing.
30:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
30:26
SPEAKER_00: Have you heard of cooking?
30:27
SPEAKER_00: It's awesome.
30:28
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dude.
30:29
SPEAKER_01: We've been doing it for like, I don't know, 10,000 years or something.
30:32
SPEAKER_01: Fire rules.
30:32
SPEAKER_01: That was like the first thing people ever invented.
30:35
SPEAKER_01: 100,000, actually.
30:36
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
30:36
SPEAKER_01: I think I I uh undercut it a bit.
30:39
SPEAKER_00: It's been at least four.
30:41
SPEAKER_00: Anyway.
30:44
SPEAKER_01: We know that.
30:45
SPEAKER_00: Right.
30:45
SPEAKER_01: Not well, but they did bake it.
30:47
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they've been yeasting it up, dog.
30:51
SPEAKER_00: Uh, so we cut the worm in half, we both hold it up, and I'm like, we'll do it on three and eat the worm.
30:59
SPEAKER_00: And he's like, Alright.
31:01
SPEAKER_00: So we hold it up.
31:03
SPEAKER_00: One, two, three, and I watched him drop the worm in his mouth, and I threw mine on the ground, and I was like, You're a fucking idiot, dude.
31:11
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
31:12
SPEAKER_01: I do remember the story.
31:13
SPEAKER_00: He fucking threw up everywhere, and I'm like, You're such a fucking idiot.
31:16
SPEAKER_01: I think the first time you told the story, you told a brief just that you didn't tell about the the survivor party.
31:23
SPEAKER_01: I feel like I would have remembered that.
31:25
SPEAKER_00: I wasn't as seasoned of a podcaster back then, and I didn't realize I could waste an extra 10 minutes with all the lead up bullshit that no one cares about.
31:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and force people to be invested in the story.
31:35
SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to plug CBS and shit.
31:37
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
31:38
SPEAKER_01: Uh which is the channel it was on.
31:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
31:42
SPEAKER_01: He fucking threw up everywhere.
31:43
SPEAKER_01: Still is, by the way.
31:45
SPEAKER_01: Still, still on there.
31:46
SPEAKER_01: They still run seasons of it.
31:48
SPEAKER_00: That's crazy.
31:49
SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's pretty much like the only reality game show.
31:53
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I know they rebooted Big Brother, but it's like the only those two are the only ones that survived over the years.
32:01
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
32:03
SPEAKER_01: I mean Survivor is one of the only reality shows that did not completely succumb to vapid pieces of shit being the only contestants.
32:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
32:19
SPEAKER_01: Big Brother, that's who you're getting.
32:21
SPEAKER_01: You're getting vapid shitlords.
32:24
SPEAKER_01: That's the only people they want on that show because they cause drama and that's what they want.
32:29
SPEAKER_01: And that's what sells.
32:30
SPEAKER_01: And even the celebrity ones.
32:32
SPEAKER_01: They had fucking Mickey Rourke and Jojo Siwa in the same house.
32:37
SPEAKER_00: That's insane.
32:38
SPEAKER_01: And then he made a gay joke, obviously, because he's fucking Mickey Rourke and his brain is scrambled.
32:43
SPEAKER_01: He's 400 years old.
32:44
SPEAKER_01: And they kicked him off the show.
32:47
SPEAKER_01: And then he said something to her about making her straight or something.
32:52
SPEAKER_01: Something to that effect, right?
32:53
SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
32:54
SPEAKER_01: Because he's an old man, and of course he's gonna say misogynistic shit.
32:57
SPEAKER_01: And then she promptly after Big Brother fucking gets a boyfriend, and there's a picture online of her sleeping next to him.
33:08
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
33:09
SPEAKER_01: After they fucked.
33:10
SPEAKER_00: She was gay for pay.
33:12
SPEAKER_01: Apparently, because it was, you know, uh it was season in season at the time, I guess, for her.
33:18
SPEAKER_01: But anyway, uh, I'm gonna eat the bowl of earthworms and dirt.
33:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so the second worst thing, I don't know if you've ever like had a snack on the beach, but a little bit getting sand in your mouth.
33:30
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
33:31
SPEAKER_00: Fuck me, dude.
33:32
SPEAKER_00: Uh I bet.
33:33
SPEAKER_00: And that you're chewing through a lot of dirt.
33:36
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, true.
33:37
SPEAKER_01: Oh no, it'll be horrific, but way less horrific than honestly, way less horrific than seeing my dad's asshole.
33:46
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
33:46
SPEAKER_01: Let alone pulling uh a creature that does not want to be pulled out of it, out of it.
33:53
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
33:53
SPEAKER_00: You know, like his ass hairs are gonna be all like salt and pepper.
33:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for sure, dog.
34:00
SPEAKER_00: Gray.
34:00
SPEAKER_00: For sure.
34:01
SPEAKER_00: Just fucking like a full beard.
34:04
SPEAKER_01: Probably like a foo man poo.
34:06
SPEAKER_01: Looking like nice.
34:08
SPEAKER_01: Looking like Osama bin Laden down there, dude.
34:11
SPEAKER_01: Osama bin shitting down there, dude.
34:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
34:15
SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah.
34:16
SPEAKER_00: I don't, I don't disagree.
34:17
SPEAKER_00: It would that's that's a tough one for me because they're both like horrific.
34:22
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
34:23
SPEAKER_00: But yeah.
34:24
SPEAKER_00: Osama bin Laden now, by the way.
34:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
34:28
SPEAKER_00: Dead and buried.
34:29
SPEAKER_00: Not in his prime.
34:31
SPEAKER_00: On to our next segment.
34:32
SPEAKER_00: Jake's got a little something for you, boys and girls.
34:34
SPEAKER_00: I do.
34:35
SPEAKER_00: I have two things.
34:36
SPEAKER_03: Fuck you, you peace up sh.
34:39
SPEAKER_01: So I got I got one quick one.
34:41
SPEAKER_01: One little quick hitter, and then an actual story.
34:44
SPEAKER_01: Well, two stories, really, but I don't know what's up with me today, but I'd be pissing like a motherfucker.
34:49
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the uh the quick hitter is uh it probably shouldn't be the quick hitter, but uh I told the full full actual story with all the embarrassing details on the Patreon, uh fartmouth.com slash Patreon, or just go to Patreon.
35:04
SPEAKER_01: It's patreon.com slash fartmouth, whichever one it is, just try both and see which one works.
35:09
SPEAKER_01: Uh so I told the whole thing, but I'm gonna tell the actual, you know, the crux of it right here.
35:17
SPEAKER_01: So what had happened was we take the kid on walks sometimes.
35:24
SPEAKER_01: She has a red, Chevy, Silverado Power Wheels car, right?
35:32
SPEAKER_01: Pretty sick.
35:33
SPEAKER_01: So we me and my chick walk and she drives the car down the street and back.
35:40
SPEAKER_01: We have a very uh uh it's not a very busy street, and uh seldom is there a car, and when there is, we're like, go over to the side, and she does.
35:49
SPEAKER_01: It's fine.
35:50
SPEAKER_01: So we go down to the to the end of the street and we come back.
35:55
SPEAKER_01: She's kind of being a shithead, so we're like, all right, well, let's just go home.
35:59
SPEAKER_01: And uh uh she was a shithead on the way out the door with the car.
36:04
SPEAKER_01: She's a shit, she's just just being a five-year-old, you know?
36:08
SPEAKER_01: And uh I you know we're we're getting kind of tired of it.
36:12
SPEAKER_01: By the time we get back, I open the fucking gate.
36:15
SPEAKER_01: This kid will not go through the gate with her car.
36:18
SPEAKER_01: She is like, she is just being hard to handle on purpose.
36:24
SPEAKER_01: And uh we're trying to negotiate, we're trying to, you know, haggle with her to get her to come through the fucking gate with the car.
36:31
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, your wheels are turned fine, just hit the gas.
36:34
SPEAKER_00: Negotiate.
36:35
SPEAKER_01: We literally said hit the gas probably 70 times, and she would just not do it.
36:41
SPEAKER_01: So then eventually, finally, gotta get a toad.
36:45
SPEAKER_01: We get the car in into the gate, right?
36:47
SPEAKER_01: And I eventually I just had to hit the gas while while she was otherwise distracted.
36:52
SPEAKER_01: I fucking I hit the gas with my own foot.
36:55
SPEAKER_01: I I like reached over with my foot, put it in the car, and hit the gas to get it through the fucking gate and squeeze my skinny ass between the car and the gate.
37:05
SPEAKER_01: Uh got it in the fucking yard, closed the gate, so then we can let the dogs out, right?
37:09
SPEAKER_01: Then we do that.
37:10
SPEAKER_01: We let the dogs out.
37:12
SPEAKER_01: We're and then now she's back to normal.
37:15
SPEAKER_01: We're having fun.
37:15
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, cool, we're gonna chase each other around the yard a little bit.
37:19
SPEAKER_01: Well, it's getting dark because this whole negotiation process took like 12 minutes, dude, to get her through the gate.
37:27
SPEAKER_01: Crazy.
37:28
SPEAKER_01: She's just being being a shithead.
37:30
SPEAKER_01: And uh, and uh uh, you know, normal for a five-year-old.
37:35
SPEAKER_01: But when you're going through it, it's like, god damn it, bitch.
37:38
SPEAKER_01: Like fucking do what I'm saying, please.
37:40
SPEAKER_01: And uh, so anyway, she finally gets through the gate.
37:43
SPEAKER_01: Well, it's getting dark by this time.
37:46
SPEAKER_01: Uh it was like beginning, you know, the beginning stages of getting dark when we started on the walk.
37:53
SPEAKER_01: And by now it's getting fucking dark, dude.
37:56
SPEAKER_01: And uh I'm you know, we're chasing each other around the yard.
38:01
SPEAKER_01: And uh she is chasing me at this point.
38:04
SPEAKER_01: I'm I've hidden behind the stumps over here, and I'm hidden, and uh I start to juke around the stumps, and I juke around my girlfriend too, because I'm thinking, oh, she's gonna run this way.
38:17
SPEAKER_01: I want to get around my chick and then get to the other end of the yard.
38:22
SPEAKER_01: Old Patrick's stump over here is about to go down.
38:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dude.
38:27
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dog.
38:28
SPEAKER_01: I did, and not swinging either.
38:31
SPEAKER_01: Definitely not swinging.
38:32
SPEAKER_01: Uh flipping and flopping.
38:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dude.
38:36
SPEAKER_01: Uh, so I juke around my girlfriend, and before I know it, I'm on the ground.
38:40
SPEAKER_01: Like, just like that.
38:42
SPEAKER_01: And I heard a sound.
38:44
SPEAKER_01: I had on flip-flops, by the way.
38:46
SPEAKER_01: And there's a hole in the ground that my foot has perfectly fit in sideways.
38:52
SPEAKER_01: I've rolled my ankle and I hit the ground.
38:56
SPEAKER_01: I heard a I heard a noise, which they say when you roll your ankle badly enough, the noise you hear is your fucking tendon snapping or your ligament whatever snapping in your fucking foot.
39:10
SPEAKER_01: The thing that connects your foot to your fucking ankle bone, right?
39:15
SPEAKER_01: Well, I don't think that happened.
39:18
SPEAKER_01: I think what happened was I had on a fucking underarmor slide, and that's that weird rubbery plastic material.
39:26
SPEAKER_01: I think what happened was my heel slid against that and made like the most intense fart noise that sounded like a pap-pap, you know?
39:38
SPEAKER_01: And I thought it was my ankle, but it wasn't, luckily.
39:43
SPEAKER_01: Uh, but I did fuck my ankle up.
39:46
SPEAKER_01: And uh I, you know, I didn't see the hole because it was dark.
39:50
SPEAKER_01: Well, this is a relatively new hole that the fucking German shepherd.
39:56
SPEAKER_01: So fuck you, you peace piece of shit to dogs.
40:03
SPEAKER_01: Why do you need to dig holes?
40:04
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you don't need to do that.
40:06
SPEAKER_01: No, you're not a fucking squirrel.
40:08
SPEAKER_01: You don't, you're not, it's not like you're you're burying nuts that eventually become trees.
40:14
SPEAKER_01: Nothing like that at all.
40:16
SPEAKER_01: You what what they do is they bury their dead to then come back and get it later and eat more of it later.
40:23
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's what they're they're hiding their fucking shit from other things.
40:27
SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
40:28
SPEAKER_01: This German Shepherd we have never has dead animals to fucking hide.
40:34
SPEAKER_01: She's just bury she's just digging because she's bored.
40:37
SPEAKER_01: But anyway, it was a confluence of factors, it was a perfect storm.
40:41
SPEAKER_01: It's not all her fault, but still, fuck her.
40:43
SPEAKER_00: You ever seen those videos of uh Jack Russell Terriers going out and digging up moles?
40:50
SPEAKER_01: Yes, and then and then rattling them to kill them.
40:54
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's nuts.
40:55
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
40:55
SPEAKER_01: Uh anyway, uh, you know, she's a great dog.
41:00
SPEAKER_01: I love her, but uh, you know, this this habit uh almost broke my fucking ankle.
41:05
SPEAKER_01: Uh so uh she's actually getting fixed right now, or she did earlier, and uh she's um sitting in a kennel at the at the place where she got fixed.
41:15
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, when uh I was out here solo, the kid came out here and mentioned it.
41:19
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
41:20
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, uh, was she sleepy?
41:23
SPEAKER_00: And she said, no, it was like a 10-hour drive.
41:26
SPEAKER_00: No, she said it was literally like a 10-hour drive.
41:31
SPEAKER_00: I was like, it was not.
41:33
SPEAKER_00: She's like, wait, no, it was like 20 or 30 hours.
41:37
SPEAKER_00: I said, Do you know how many hours are in a day?
41:39
SPEAKER_00: And she said, No, I said 24.
41:42
SPEAKER_00: So that would be like an entire day of driving.
41:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
41:46
SPEAKER_00: Do you mean minutes?
41:47
SPEAKER_00: And she's like, Yeah.
41:50
SPEAKER_00: It's like, okay.
41:52
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
41:52
SPEAKER_00: I get I get where your head's at now.
41:54
SPEAKER_01: Yes, this is the creature that I that I, you know, we had to negotiate with to get into the gate.
41:59
SPEAKER_00: I just thought, like, I see, I think her logic was the dog wouldn't be sleepy because it was only like a 10 or 20 minute drive.
42:06
SPEAKER_00: Right, yeah.
42:06
SPEAKER_00: I see.
42:07
SPEAKER_00: But I I don't I was referring to maybe like being put under for the operation of the room.
42:13
SPEAKER_00: Right.
42:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
42:14
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure she was.
42:14
SPEAKER_00: Girls get fixed.
42:16
SPEAKER_01: I'm sure she was put under, uh, especially such a like big breed, you know.
42:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
42:21
SPEAKER_01: Um, so so fuck you piece of shit to uh to really in general, all dogs, because that is evolutionary baggage.
42:31
SPEAKER_01: You don't need to do that anymore.
42:32
SPEAKER_01: So just stop.
42:33
SPEAKER_00: All dogs go to heaven and that's up.
42:34
SPEAKER_00: Why are you digging?
42:35
SPEAKER_00: That's where heck is, dude.
42:36
SPEAKER_00: Right, dude.
42:37
SPEAKER_01: What the fuck are you doing?
42:38
SPEAKER_01: So anyway, this this other this this other story, this is like, dude, I I never believed this was going to happen.
42:46
SPEAKER_01: Like, much like the Raiders season right now, I just could never have foreseen that a good thing could happen in this universe, you know?
42:56
SPEAKER_00: So Are we doing a love you, you beautiful bitch?
42:59
SPEAKER_01: Yes, we are.
43:01
SPEAKER_01: We're doing love you, you beautiful bitch.
43:04
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
43:05
SPEAKER_01: A little bit of a uh a curveball for you guys.
43:07
SPEAKER_01: Departure from the fuck you universe.
43:10
SPEAKER_01: So there was on Reddit there was an inquiry about having to pay for a this dude he posted about having to pay for a$60 steak for his girlfriend while he got a$20 lunch plate off the menu, right?
43:29
SPEAKER_01: Sure.
43:29
SPEAKER_01: At a restaurant.
43:31
SPEAKER_01: He was complaining, he he was basically complaining that she had ordered the$60 steak, and he was kind of pissed because he made his order first, so he felt like she should have like kind of fallen in line at at around the same price point of his.
43:45
SPEAKER_01: And he was kind of pissed that she had she wanted a steak, and I I was kind of like, dude, you're like the way he made it sound like they hadn't been together very long.
43:57
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, you're still in the impress stage.
44:00
SPEAKER_01: Like, what the fuck, dude?
44:01
SPEAKER_01: It's is last time I checked, pussy's worth sixty dollars.
44:09
SPEAKER_00: I was gonna say the la I haven't checked up on the prices lately, but I feel like a good piece of pussy is worth a few hundred.
44:15
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
44:16
SPEAKER_01: A girlfriend pussy early in the relationship.
44:21
SPEAKER_01: Girlfriend pussy's worth were way worth sixty bucks, dude.
44:25
SPEAKER_01: What the fuck are you talking about?
44:26
SPEAKER_01: Being a bit fruit.
44:27
SPEAKER_01: What the fuck are we doing?
44:29
SPEAKER_01: Like, you break up with this woman.
44:32
SPEAKER_01: If you argue, you be so to this guy.
44:37
SPEAKER_01: To this guy, yeah, for sure.
44:39
SPEAKER_01: Is actually very relevant.
44:40
SPEAKER_01: Uh so fuck you, my nose right now.
44:45
SPEAKER_01: That it keeps getting blocked up.
44:47
SPEAKER_01: Dude, the weather trying to talk.
44:48
SPEAKER_00: The weather's been yo-yoing so hard, my allergies have been shitty.
44:52
SPEAKER_00: Same, dude, same.
44:53
SPEAKER_01: So I say, and I'm okay.
44:58
SPEAKER_01: Full disclosure, I'm at work.
45:00
SPEAKER_01: So I have to make my comments quick.
45:03
SPEAKER_01: Because I'm I'm just like looking at Reddit for five minutes, and then I move on to my next thing I'm doing at work.
45:09
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
45:09
SPEAKER_01: I'm waiting on something to get done, waiting on one of the machines to get done with what I need it to, you know?
45:15
SPEAKER_01: And so I'm just fucking around for a sec.
45:17
SPEAKER_01: So I was like, and this was one of those occasions where I needed to get in and get out quick.
45:23
SPEAKER_00: Leave my phone in my locker thing.
45:25
SPEAKER_01: Uh well, I was on the computer.
45:27
SPEAKER_01: So desktop uh Reddit.
45:30
SPEAKER_01: So, or you know, browser Reddit.
45:32
SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I I said, uh, so I said, I just hit her with the stake, man.
45:37
SPEAKER_01: Something like that.
45:39
SPEAKER_01: I don't I I don't know the exact wording, but it was very close to that.
45:43
SPEAKER_01: I just hit her with the steak.
45:46
SPEAKER_01: I think I said man.
45:48
SPEAKER_01: Meaning, why wouldn't you get your girlfriend what she wants?
45:52
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dude.
45:52
SPEAKER_01: At this point.
45:53
SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't understand why you would be haggling.
45:57
SPEAKER_01: Like, what the fuck, dude?
45:59
SPEAKER_01: And it didn't, it didn't say I'm me and my girlfriend are from Israel, so I don't understand.
46:05
SPEAKER_01: Uh um, you know, Jew, Ju jokes.
46:08
SPEAKER_00: I'd have hit her with the uh, why don't you just order their salad, babe?
46:11
SPEAKER_00: Getting kind of thick.
46:13
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but yeah, you think you need a Rebbe?
46:17
SPEAKER_00: Really?
46:17
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
46:18
SPEAKER_01: And uh So I I hit that, I I hit enter, I get up, I go do my I I hobble over to the machine to get the whatever off of it, put the you know, get it started back again, I get back on Reddit, and as soon as I hit the uh fucking refresh logo to get the feed to refresh, or the Reddit logo to get the feed to refresh, right?
46:44
SPEAKER_01: Which is probably a fucking boomer way of doing it, but I I do it that way.
46:48
SPEAKER_01: And uh, and uh as soon as it refreshes, I get this fucking horrific, like just like terrible surprise of a red line at the top of my screen, and it says, your account has been banned for three days.
47:12
SPEAKER_01: Go to your inbox to fucking find out more.
47:17
SPEAKER_01: So I go into my inbox, and Reddit's AI has flagged my comment because it thinks that I just told this man to assault his girlfriend with her food.
47:29
SPEAKER_01: And like it thinks that I said, grab that steak and slap this bitch over the face with it.
47:36
SPEAKER_00: Black eye with a ribeye, bitch.
47:39
SPEAKER_00: Like in the scenario.
47:40
SPEAKER_00: That was a big T-bone mistake you made.
47:45
SPEAKER_01: In the scenario, yeah, I'm about to tomahawk this bitch.
47:48
SPEAKER_01: Uh yeah, in the scenario, the steak hasn't arrived yet.
47:52
SPEAKER_01: There is no this is Strodinger steak, dog.
47:55
SPEAKER_01: Like the steak has not arrived.
47:57
SPEAKER_01: The whole inquiry was about the ordering of the steak, right?
48:01
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
48:01
SPEAKER_01: So I I was like, what the fuck?
48:05
SPEAKER_01: And I was pissed.
48:06
SPEAKER_01: So I was like, you know what?
48:08
SPEAKER_01: Cooler heads surely will prevail when a human sees this, and they will see that the verb hit can be used for many things, and that clearly I'm using millennial old school language to just I'm using hit as a as a hooker up with.
48:26
SPEAKER_01: Right.
48:27
SPEAKER_01: Like get the bitch a steak, bro.
48:29
SPEAKER_01: What the fuck are you doing?
48:30
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
48:30
SPEAKER_01: Is what my comment meant in general.
48:32
SPEAKER_01: And uh so I did.
48:35
SPEAKER_01: That's what I said.
48:36
SPEAKER_01: I said, uh, I know what it looks like.
48:37
SPEAKER_01: I said something like that, dude.
48:39
SPEAKER_01: I was like trying to appeal to it.
48:42
SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm not angry, like I'm trying not to come off as angry.
48:45
SPEAKER_01: So when the person reads this, they're like, oh, this very peaceful man clearly didn't mean his comment as violent.
48:53
SPEAKER_01: So that's what I did.
48:54
SPEAKER_01: I was like, uh, hey man, I didn't, you know, I I see what my comment could sound like, but I just meant in general, like to give her the stake.
49:03
SPEAKER_01: Like I didn't, I meant like order her the stake.
49:05
SPEAKER_01: I was actually being positive.
49:07
SPEAKER_01: I I'm, you know, and and to their credit, Reddit fucking rescinded the ban.
49:17
SPEAKER_00: There you go.
49:20
SPEAKER_01: And Crisis averted.
49:22
SPEAKER_00: Love you.
49:23
SPEAKER_00: Continue to comment.
49:24
SPEAKER_01: Love you, you beautiful bitch, to reddit.com.
49:28
SPEAKER_01: Because most of the time W mod on YouTube or Twitter or wherever the fuck ever else, when you get a ban, they stick with it.
49:39
SPEAKER_01: They will not undo it.
49:40
SPEAKER_01: No matter what.
49:41
SPEAKER_00: If they give you a three-day ban on any of those platforms, it's gonna take them eight days to see your fucking appeal.
49:46
SPEAKER_00: That's true.
49:46
SPEAKER_00: You just take the fucking L.
49:48
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the like the the just the the global reach of those websites is so fucking big.
49:58
SPEAKER_01: I get it.
49:58
SPEAKER_01: Like, you can't possibly staff that enough people to read all of the racist comments on Twitter and decide what's banable.
50:06
SPEAKER_01: Like, yeah, so but somehow Reddit figured it out, man, and they fucking rescinded my ban like within an hour.
50:13
SPEAKER_01: Like it was quick, bro.
50:15
SPEAKER_01: And I couldn't believe it.
50:16
SPEAKER_01: I couldn't believe they actually saw reason.
50:19
SPEAKER_01: I couldn't believe it.
50:20
SPEAKER_01: Like, I've you actually have to get like a uh you have to make it become national news that you got wrongfully banned for them to unban you.
50:29
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, generally.
50:31
SPEAKER_01: Like that's the case.
50:32
SPEAKER_01: It it has to hit your feed on another website that hey, this asshole got banned for something he didn't really even say.
50:38
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know what I mean?
50:40
SPEAKER_01: So uh it also works on that with like copyright strikes.
50:44
SPEAKER_01: That shit's over.
50:45
SPEAKER_01: Your account's done.
50:46
SPEAKER_01: They will never undo that, even if they did it by mistake.
50:50
SPEAKER_01: Like uh, which is very funny how the inefficiency of government is often like often people who are super capitalistic, they're like, dude, fucking uh capitalist society, like everything works perfect because people complain about something being bad, and then the the company will lose money if they don't fix it, so they fix it.
51:11
SPEAKER_01: Well, guess the fuck what they don't.
51:13
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't actually fucking work like that.
51:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, guess why?
51:17
SPEAKER_01: Because the people who live by your philosophy of letting monopolies just fucking tower over everything and become monoliths, though that shit keeps them from having any accountability because they have no fucking actual competition.
51:33
SPEAKER_01: So your whole thing of like, well, I think billionaires are great because maybe one day I'll be a billionaire.
51:40
SPEAKER_01: No, Jethro, you won't.
51:41
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be a mechanic forever, you fucking idiot.
51:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
51:45
SPEAKER_00: You want a good example?
51:46
SPEAKER_00: Complain about how much you have to pay for your electricity bill and see how that works out for you.
51:50
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
51:51
SPEAKER_00: You fucking twat.
51:52
SPEAKER_01: You know what they do?
51:53
SPEAKER_01: You know what they do?
51:53
SPEAKER_01: They just nickel and dime you in a different way that looks slightly better.
51:57
SPEAKER_01: That's all they do.
51:59
SPEAKER_01: They just go, oh, well, we'll we'll just do this new program where we just average out your monthly bill over the course of the year so it hits you less in the winter and in the summer, but you're still paying way more than you used to pay somehow.
52:17
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
52:18
SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, they still get more of your money.
52:20
SPEAKER_00: You're welcome for the service that we're providing you.
52:22
SPEAKER_00: Thank you for the service fee that you paid for us providing it to you.
52:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
52:26
SPEAKER_00: So you're actually paying more.
52:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
52:29
SPEAKER_00: But thank you.
52:30
SPEAKER_01: Idiot, loser, dumbass.
52:32
SPEAKER_01: Very similar situation as far as accountability goes for a YouTube or a Twitter or even a Reddit.
52:38
SPEAKER_01: But to their credit, and I wanted to make those rhyme at some point, but it doesn't seem like it's gonna happen.
52:43
SPEAKER_01: To their credit, they fucking stepped up over at Reddit.
52:47
SPEAKER_01: Okay, C.
52:48
SPEAKER_01: There it is, got it.
52:49
SPEAKER_01: Capital R.
52:49
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
52:50
SPEAKER_01: Uh they they stepped up and they did the right thing because I did not mean to physically hit her with the stake.
52:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
52:57
SPEAKER_01: Uh that would be weird.
52:58
SPEAKER_01: I I mean, that wouldn't even be an effective way to handle the situation.
53:03
SPEAKER_00: It's something like a an eight-year-old would say, like, well, I'd wait for the stake to come in and I'd hit her in the face with it.
53:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
53:09
SPEAKER_01: Had I said hit her in the face with it, I deserve the ban.
53:13
SPEAKER_01: But I didn't deserve the ban, and they fucking saw reason, and I I like I can't say enough good about it.
53:20
SPEAKER_01: That's such a good experience with a website that you're like, hey, you made a mistake, and then they actually do right by you.
53:27
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
53:27
SPEAKER_01: That's crazy, dude.
53:28
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, and I love you.
53:29
SPEAKER_01: Good job.
53:30
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
53:30
SPEAKER_01: You're the best.
53:31
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Reddit.
53:32
SPEAKER_01: I know that wasn't that funny, but it did happen.
53:34
SPEAKER_01: It's an interesting story.
53:35
SPEAKER_01: It was worth it.
53:36
SPEAKER_01: Worth it to mention just because that's so rare nowadays.
53:39
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
53:40
SPEAKER_00: Good job, W mod.
53:43
SPEAKER_00: Yay, yay! One last thing, and then we're gonna get the fuck out of here.
53:47
SPEAKER_00: Ladies and gentlemen, here's Tyler's top 10 list.
53:49
SPEAKER_00: Let's go.
53:52
SPEAKER_00: A little whimsical end to the show, I'll say.
53:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm ready, dude.
53:56
SPEAKER_00: I wrote out uh my top five video games things that I wish were real.
54:04
SPEAKER_00: With asterisk within reason, obviously superpowers notwithstanding.
54:10
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
54:10
SPEAKER_00: That kind of thing.
54:12
SPEAKER_00: Practical.
54:13
SPEAKER_00: Practical video game things that would be cool if sometimes these lists get a little convoluted.
54:19
SPEAKER_01: Convoluted.
54:20
SPEAKER_00: Just stick with me, okay?
54:22
SPEAKER_00: If you're thinking to yourself, like, oh I want to fly.
54:26
SPEAKER_00: Shut up.
54:26
SPEAKER_00: You're gay.
54:27
SPEAKER_00: That's not what we're going for.
54:28
SPEAKER_00: We're going for things that would have practical uses in my real life that aren't related to being a superhero.
54:36
SPEAKER_00: Okay?
54:37
SPEAKER_00: Show.
54:38
SPEAKER_00: Number five.
54:39
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
54:40
SPEAKER_00: Having virtually no consequences for your actions.
54:45
SPEAKER_00: Nice.
54:45
SPEAKER_00: It's kind of sick, dude.
54:47
SPEAKER_00: And it's kind of like the gimme, because it's like you could just do whatever the fuck you want in any video game universe, and there's no consequences.
54:53
SPEAKER_00: And I think that would be pretty cool because sometimes people make mistakes and you just don't have to worry about that.
54:59
SPEAKER_01: Are you asking for like cheat codes?
55:01
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no.
55:02
SPEAKER_01: To be able to undo things?
55:04
SPEAKER_00: No, we'll get to that later.
55:05
SPEAKER_00: Okay, alright, alright.
55:06
SPEAKER_00: I'm just talking about like load up, hop in.
55:11
SPEAKER_00: You fuck, hey, maybe you were you're you're running through a level and you accidentally punched a fucking lady in the head.
55:20
SPEAKER_00: There's no consequences.
55:21
SPEAKER_00: You just keep playing the game.
55:22
SPEAKER_00: It's fine.
55:23
SPEAKER_01: Right.
55:24
SPEAKER_00: You know?
55:24
SPEAKER_00: There's no ramifications.
55:26
SPEAKER_00: Sure, maybe like someone will be like, hey, you shouldn't do that, and then you move on.
55:30
SPEAKER_00: It's everything, everything's a slap on the wrist.
55:33
SPEAKER_00: That's true.
55:33
SPEAKER_00: Good point.
55:34
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
55:34
SPEAKER_00: Uh right.
55:36
SPEAKER_00: Number four.
55:38
SPEAKER_00: Never needing to sleep.
55:41
SPEAKER_00: Right.
55:41
SPEAKER_00: Bro.
55:43
SPEAKER_00: Well, that's kind that's kind of what saving's for in a lot of games, but yeah.
55:47
SPEAKER_00: But like your character.
55:48
SPEAKER_00: Just imagine you're actually in the video game.
55:51
SPEAKER_00: Not like I'm playing a video game as yourself.
55:54
SPEAKER_00: Like you're in it.
55:55
SPEAKER_00: And the game's just running 24-7.
55:57
SPEAKER_00: You your character never has to sleep.
56:00
SPEAKER_04: True.
56:01
SPEAKER_00: You only ever sleep to save, and you don't wake up like it's very rare that you wake up well rested.
56:06
SPEAKER_00: True.
56:07
SPEAKER_00: I almost said never, but then I remembered in Fallout.
56:10
SPEAKER_00: When you sleep, you wake up well rested.
56:12
SPEAKER_00: If you're in hardcore mode, you do need to sleep.
56:14
SPEAKER_00: But you can sleep for like two hours and you're perfectly rested.
56:18
SPEAKER_00: That's the kind of thing I'm talking about.
56:19
SPEAKER_00: Is you always feel as alert and awake as always.
56:24
SPEAKER_00: Right.
56:25
SPEAKER_00: And that I would like that because sleep is, you know, it's an it's a battle that you never really end.
56:31
SPEAKER_00: That's a hot commodity for you.
56:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
56:34
SPEAKER_00: Number three.
56:36
SPEAKER_00: This one's a little specific, and it's one I've thought about for as long as I can remember.
56:42
SPEAKER_00: Well, as long as the first time I played Grand Theft Auto 3.
56:46
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
56:47
SPEAKER_00: A thing that I thought would be really fucking dope would be able, like when you pause a Grand Theft Auto game, sometimes you can like bumper over to one of the pages that shows all your stats.
57:00
SPEAKER_00: Like every car you've stolen, how many miles you've driven, all the people, the money you've stolen from people, all that, all your stats.
57:11
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
57:12
SPEAKER_00: I remember when I was a little kid and there was still an inkling of me that maybe sort of believed in heaven.
57:18
SPEAKER_00: I thought when I die and I go to heaven, obviously, because I'm the main character in real life, I want there to be a stat pay.
57:26
SPEAKER_00: I want God to hand me a spreadsheet.
57:28
unknown: Yeah.
57:29
SPEAKER_00: So you you thought of the meme before the meme.
57:31
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
57:31
SPEAKER_00: Basically, yeah.
57:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for real.
57:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
57:33
SPEAKER_00: I thought it'd be sick to just see like all of the stuff this is how many girls you've kissed.
57:38
SPEAKER_00: This is how many f times you fingered a pussy, like every fucking stat that I care about.
57:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
57:44
SPEAKER_01: Times you had sex.
57:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, all the all just to be able to see like the the raw stats.
57:49
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
57:50
SPEAKER_00: And just go like that's my fucking life, dude.
57:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
57:54
SPEAKER_00: 850,000 beers drink.
57:56
SPEAKER_00: You know, like all that shit.
57:59
SPEAKER_00: I just feel like that would be so dope, dude.
58:01
SPEAKER_00: And there's just not a word.
58:03
SPEAKER_00: Like, we're getting closer to like having a lot of uh ability to track our, you know, people have the fucking heart rate monitors and all that bullshit.
58:12
SPEAKER_00: You can look at your life through a statistical lens in a lot of capacities, but yeah, unless you're keeping a fucking diligent journal from the first time you laid hand on Puss, you're just not gonna you're never really gonna know that.
58:26
SPEAKER_00: I have confusion a lot of the times about how many chicks I've fucked.
58:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
58:31
SPEAKER_00: Not everybody has that problem, and it's not a humble brag on purpose.
58:36
SPEAKER_00: It's just like there's times I forget I touched that girl's boob.
58:40
SPEAKER_00: There's times I forgot that that one girl let me, you know, finger her on the bus on the way to school.
58:45
SPEAKER_00: I forget about this shit because it's inconsequential, really.
58:49
SPEAKER_00: But you still got sleep in your eye and you're fucking banger banger.
58:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
58:56
SPEAKER_00: Damn, dude.
58:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I used to wake up a little more chipper than I do these days.
59:01
SPEAKER_01: God damn.
59:03
SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
59:04
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
59:06
SPEAKER_01: The bus on the way to school is crazy.
59:09
SPEAKER_01: After school, all bets are off, but on the way?
59:13
SPEAKER_01: Like, god damn, bro.
59:15
SPEAKER_00: I still I mean, to this day, I wake up horny like half a mom.
59:18
SPEAKER_01: Come here, girl.
59:19
SPEAKER_01: Oh, god damn.
59:21
SPEAKER_00: As if my mom would ever like wave me off to school.
59:24
SPEAKER_00: I know, but it was the image.
59:26
SPEAKER_00: She was such a bitch.
59:27
SPEAKER_01: My mom didn't even wave me off to school.
59:30
SPEAKER_01: Mostly because by the time I started riding the bus, we had like a quarter mile driveway.
59:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
59:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
59:36
SPEAKER_01: She ain't walking her ass down there, dog.
59:39
SPEAKER_01: She in the it when it was super cold, she did drive me down there.
59:43
SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's nice.
59:44
SPEAKER_01: And you know, I sat in her van or whatever.
59:46
SPEAKER_03: Have a great day, Jay.
59:48
SPEAKER_01: Hope you have a good day at school.
59:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
59:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
59:52
SPEAKER_01: It was that then I guess I guess I did get a little bit of that, but uh, you know.
59:57
SPEAKER_01: That is the the imagery of that is very funny.
1:00:00
SPEAKER_01: Just your hand goes from the motion of waving to your mom, and then two of your fingers go down and they go inside.
1:00:08
SPEAKER_01: Just the claw.
1:00:11
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:00:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:00:13
SPEAKER_00: It was only one time, you know.
1:00:16
SPEAKER_00: Girl, dude, when a girl, like, it doesn't matter how tired you are, how bad of a day.
1:00:21
SPEAKER_00: When a girl like rubs up against you on the bus.
1:00:23
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, dog.
1:00:24
SPEAKER_00: That morning boner comes right back.
1:00:27
SPEAKER_00: Immediately.
1:00:28
SPEAKER_00: You're busting zippers, dog.
1:00:31
SPEAKER_01: Dude, those Lee's never had such strain.
1:00:35
SPEAKER_01: It's Wranglers for me.
1:00:38
SPEAKER_01: I'm a Walmart kid.
1:00:39
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, yeah.
1:00:40
SPEAKER_01: I think uh Coles maybe.
1:00:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure who carried Lee.
1:00:44
SPEAKER_00: I don't remember.
1:00:44
SPEAKER_00: I don't think I've ever owned a pair of Lee jeans.
1:00:47
SPEAKER_01: I definitely, once I was like high school and later, it was Wrangler Wrangler dudes for me as well.
1:00:52
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, Wrangler Danglers.
1:00:53
SPEAKER_01: They just they were the best uh jeans that had like a fucking cowboy ass logo.
1:01:01
SPEAKER_01: But their fucking trim, like the the the slim fucking jeans were great for like emo-ish years, you know.
1:01:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, me and all my friends would buy women's pants to do that.
1:01:19
SPEAKER_00: We liked that they were stretchy.
1:01:20
SPEAKER_00: They didn't make stretchy men's jeans.
1:01:22
SPEAKER_01: I didn't have to do that, but my scrawny ass, what I had to do was I had to pray.
1:01:27
SPEAKER_01: I didn't believe in God anymore, but I had to pray that when I got to Kohl's, there would be at least one pair of 2930s in the style I wanted.
1:01:41
SPEAKER_01: And that they were hard to come by, brother.
1:01:44
SPEAKER_01: I I think it was a combo of two things.
1:01:47
SPEAKER_01: I think skinny boys' moms took them to Coles i in the season, like like earlier in the season than my mom took me.
1:01:58
SPEAKER_01: And also, they don't carry as as many of those pants because most people aren't that small.
1:02:05
SPEAKER_00: It's a bell curve.
1:02:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:02:06
SPEAKER_00: They keep like two or three pairs of the tiny and two or three pairs of the giant.
1:02:10
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:02:11
SPEAKER_00: And then most in the 32 to 36 or something.
1:02:14
SPEAKER_01: I was gonna say, dude, you can find any style of 3434 that you fucking want.
1:02:20
SPEAKER_01: They're all there.
1:02:21
SPEAKER_01: Or 3430s, I guess, is probably more common.
1:02:24
SPEAKER_01: 343 is probably the most short and thick in the Midwest, dude.
1:02:28
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
1:02:28
SPEAKER_01: For the most part.
1:02:30
SPEAKER_01: Corn bread and bread.
1:02:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:02:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:02:33
SPEAKER_00: I want to see that stat page.
1:02:35
SPEAKER_00: I think that would be sick as hell, dude.
1:02:36
SPEAKER_00: Be like, fuck, dude, look at all those, look at all those fucking tongues I've touched.
1:02:42
SPEAKER_00: And such.
1:02:43
SPEAKER_00: Napoleon boner part.
1:02:44
SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to not say that.
1:02:45
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
1:02:46
SPEAKER_01: Short, short and thick, Napoleon boner part.
1:02:49
SPEAKER_01: Why?
1:02:49
SPEAKER_01: We're talking about middle school kids.
1:02:51
SPEAKER_01: Anyway.
1:02:52
SPEAKER_00: I feel you.
1:02:52
SPEAKER_01: Anyway.
1:02:54
SPEAKER_01: Just want to get that in.
1:02:55
SPEAKER_01: If I if at that point it was late, but you still remember what what it was about.
1:03:00
SPEAKER_01: But if I had waited, you're not gonna remember.
1:03:04
SPEAKER_01: Anyway, just keep going.
1:03:05
SPEAKER_01: Don't let me sit in this anymore.
1:03:08
SPEAKER_01: Bail me out of this right now, please.
1:03:10
SPEAKER_00: Sprained your ankle and your confidence.
1:03:13
SPEAKER_00: Number two on the top five list of video game things that I wish were real, but well within reason, you know, because it's not superhero fantasy.
1:03:22
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
1:03:23
SPEAKER_00: Save scumming.
1:03:25
SPEAKER_00: Do you know what you know what this refers to?
1:03:27
SPEAKER_01: Is that where?
1:03:29
SPEAKER_01: Oh, a thing I didn't want to happen happened.
1:03:32
SPEAKER_01: Let me go to the beginning of this save file.
1:03:35
SPEAKER_01: Sort of.
1:03:36
SPEAKER_01: And then you try to play it out again.
1:03:38
SPEAKER_00: Predicting that something might happen.
1:03:41
SPEAKER_00: So you save before it happens.
1:03:43
SPEAKER_00: Oh, sure.
1:03:43
SPEAKER_00: And then the thing that you predicted would happen happened, and then you just reload right back.
1:03:48
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
1:03:49
SPEAKER_00: Yours is more basic than mine.
1:03:50
SPEAKER_00: Kind of like the the click rewind buttons, sort of in a way.
1:03:54
SPEAKER_00: Um, but yeah, like you said, but with more preparation involved.
1:03:58
SPEAKER_01: I mean, dude, you're speaking my language.
1:04:01
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
1:04:02
SPEAKER_01: Because you you have to save, and the game prompts you to save Metal Gear Solid before the torture scene.
1:04:10
SPEAKER_01: Because you can't get out of that.
1:04:13
SPEAKER_01: Whichever way it goes is the way it goes for the rest of the game.
1:04:17
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:04:18
SPEAKER_00: Well, uh, a lot of the games I play, I don't know about Metal Gear Solid, but like Fallout, Skyrim, those kind of games, they have quick save buttons.
1:04:28
SPEAKER_00: So you can like hit a button to you don't even have to pause, go down, save, pick your file.
1:04:33
SPEAKER_00: Like you can just hit a button and it does like a quick save.
1:04:36
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:04:36
SPEAKER_00: So then like you're saying you're about to fight the dragon.
1:04:39
SPEAKER_00: You hit quick save, you fight the dragon, whoopsie daisies, I'm on fire, I'm dying.
1:04:44
SPEAKER_00: Never mind.
1:04:46
SPEAKER_00: Quick load button.
1:04:48
SPEAKER_00: Try again.
1:04:49
SPEAKER_00: That kind of deal in real life.
1:04:51
SPEAKER_00: I honestly, bro, I would I would abuse the sc save scumming to just see what happens if I were to like slap the fucking shit out of somebody that annoys me.
1:05:00
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
1:05:01
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:05:02
SPEAKER_00: That would be so OP, bro.
1:05:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:05:04
SPEAKER_00: Just being able to be like, shut the fuck up, you fucking retard at work to a guy you hate or something.
1:05:10
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:05:11
SPEAKER_00: And then you're like, you just I'll just see what happens for a while.
1:05:15
SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, I'm fired, I'm at the breadline, that kind of deal.
1:05:18
SPEAKER_00: I'll just reload back to before I said that and I'll be like, yeah, it's a good point.
1:05:22
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:05:22
SPEAKER_00: Real salient point, you genius.
1:05:26
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
1:05:26
SPEAKER_00: You know, that kind of deal.
1:05:28
SPEAKER_01: Like the like the boys at the end of uh Funny Games.
1:05:31
SPEAKER_01: You remember that movie?
1:05:32
SPEAKER_01: No.
1:05:33
SPEAKER_01: Funny games?
1:05:33
SPEAKER_01: The horror movie?
1:05:35
SPEAKER_01: Oh, you would love it.
1:05:35
SPEAKER_01: You need to watch it.
1:05:36
SPEAKER_01: Don't know that I ever saw it.
1:05:37
SPEAKER_01: Uh, you need to watch it.
1:05:38
SPEAKER_01: Uh uh well, god damn it.
1:05:40
SPEAKER_01: Now I'm gonna spoil it for you.
1:05:41
SPEAKER_01: Well, fuck it.
1:05:42
SPEAKER_01: It's a 20 year old movie.
1:05:44
SPEAKER_01: So uh at the end of the movie, toward the end of the movie, I'm I'm not even gonna tell you what happens at the actual end.
1:05:49
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
1:05:50
SPEAKER_01: Uh toward the end of the movie, the serial killers who have taken a family hostage are uh uh uh outsmarted by one of the one of the Mm members of the family andor a a cursory character and the main killer guy gets shot and he dies.
1:06:11
SPEAKER_01: But he doesn't because the movie literally stops and rewinds to before he gets shot and then he circumvents getting shot.
1:06:23
SPEAKER_01: So you would want that in real life.
1:06:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:06:26
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think the movie example that I used earlier, Click, where you have a remote that can rewind things, was more apt.
1:06:32
SPEAKER_00: It was, but I I wanted you, we like horror movies.
1:06:36
SPEAKER_00: I also wanted to provide an example.
1:06:38
SPEAKER_01: Yes, I wanted to be, I wanted to participate in the thing.
1:06:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I dude, I'm here for it.
1:06:45
SPEAKER_01: I want to display to our audience that I understand what you were saying.
1:06:48
SPEAKER_01: My boy name's game.
1:06:50
SPEAKER_01: I also have an example of that to prove that I know what you're saying.
1:06:54
SPEAKER_01: Word.
1:06:55
SPEAKER_01: No, you're for real though, earlier you uh you said uh or your thing is is like the first version of what I'm talking about, where you like uh you save uh like at various times in a game to be able to go back and do things differently and have a different save file that goes different ways.
1:07:17
SPEAKER_01: It's so like in the Metal Gear is a more complex version.
1:07:20
SPEAKER_00: The Metal Gear solid example, I think that you used, if I if I'm understanding the mechanics of the game correctly, is you're prompted to save.
1:07:27
SPEAKER_00: You're like you beat a chapter and it's like, would you like to save?
1:07:32
SPEAKER_00: That's more like the Dark Souls mechanic, where like you can save in certain spots, and if you know the game already, you know, like, oh, I should save because I'm about to fight a really hard boss.
1:07:44
SPEAKER_00: But save scumming is more like anytime you can save whenever the fuck you want.
1:07:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:07:50
SPEAKER_00: Because like if we were to live by Metal Gear Solid mechanics and it's like I can only save at milestones.
1:07:56
SPEAKER_01: Well, no, no, no.
1:07:57
SPEAKER_01: So here's the thing you can save wherever you want.
1:08:00
SPEAKER_01: Um, you you have the codec, you know, the little thing you call other characters on, and then they tell you or they give you all kinds of information about what's coming, you know, so that you you're prepped, right?
1:08:13
SPEAKER_01: So there's one chick named Mae Ling that you call, and she is your save.
1:08:17
SPEAKER_01: Like you call her and she asks you if you want to save or not.
1:08:20
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
1:08:21
SPEAKER_01: And then you save.
1:08:22
SPEAKER_01: So at a certain point in the game, those codec calls are like a lot of the dialogue of the game because it's a PlayStation 1 game.
1:08:30
SPEAKER_01: So when the characters talk, their heads bounce, you know, like it doesn't, there is no mouth-moving animation.
1:08:36
SPEAKER_01: Yes, right.
1:08:38
SPEAKER_01: So they uh so uh the fucking codec calls, the characters are talking, like it's a cartoon, you know, it's like a uh almost looks like an anime or something, and the the characters are talking.
1:08:50
SPEAKER_01: And Colonel Campbell tells you, he's like, uh uh, whenever they take you into the torture room, uh you're you know, whatever, you might you might want to save right now.
1:09:00
SPEAKER_01: And then Revolver Ocelot, who is torturing you, tells you you're probably gonna want to save right now because you won't get the chance later.
1:09:09
SPEAKER_00: That's so fourth wall breaking.
1:09:11
SPEAKER_01: So what happens is yeah, he does.
1:09:12
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, right.
1:09:13
SPEAKER_01: It is.
1:09:13
SPEAKER_01: And the game does that many times.
1:09:15
SPEAKER_01: Uh it was one of the first of its kind of like this kind of like linear game, like it was, that actually had the voice acting and everything in it.
1:09:22
SPEAKER_01: Uh, so they got away with it.
1:09:24
SPEAKER_01: But he he tells you to save because you're getting tortured.
1:09:28
SPEAKER_01: What you have to do is you have to hit, I think it's the X button.
1:09:33
SPEAKER_01: I think you hit the X button as fast as you fucking can, and you're getting this bar to your life bar to go back up, you know?
1:09:40
SPEAKER_01: And it's constantly coming down because you're getting shocked.
1:09:43
SPEAKER_01: So you're you're and he's screaming the entire time.
1:09:45
SPEAKER_01: Like I can hear it in my mind's ear.
1:09:47
SPEAKER_01: I've played it so many times.
1:09:48
SPEAKER_01: And it you're like hitting X and trying so fucking hard, your arm is hurting.
1:09:53
SPEAKER_01: And uh it's tough, dude.
1:09:55
SPEAKER_01: Like, especially as an eight-year-old, oh yeah, that shit is fucking tough.
1:09:59
SPEAKER_01: So the first time I played the game, I lost.
1:10:01
SPEAKER_01: So there's three ways it can go.
1:10:04
SPEAKER_01: If you win and you actually keep your life bar up to the end of the game torturing you, which it does in two cycles, mind you, then you save the girl at the end of the game, Meryl.
1:10:17
SPEAKER_01: If if you succumb to the torture, which means you hit the circle button, at any point during the torture, you base you call Uncle, you know, and then uh and then it's over.
1:10:28
SPEAKER_01: But if you do that, you save Audon, the fucking nerd, right?
1:10:33
SPEAKER_01: The scientist who helps you out, right?
1:10:35
SPEAKER_01: And uh he gives you the stealth suit that you get in like the new game plus of it all.
1:10:40
SPEAKER_01: So it's kind of cool.
1:10:41
SPEAKER_01: But anyway, and if and if you save Meryl, you get the unlimited ammo bandana, which in which case you you have to equip that, you know, to have it to you know what I mean?
1:10:51
SPEAKER_01: So you can't like have your fucking key card out while you have your gun with the all the ammo, you know what I mean?
1:10:57
SPEAKER_01: So it is kind of annoying, but it's still kind of sick to have an unlimited ammo bandana, you know.
1:11:02
SPEAKER_01: Anyway, uh, and then if you lose, meaning your life bar runs out and you don't succumb, it it's game over.
1:11:10
SPEAKER_01: You have to go back to your last save.
1:11:12
SPEAKER_01: You have to.
1:11:13
SPEAKER_01: So if you saved the last time you saved was two fucking hours ago, you know?
1:11:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:11:20
SPEAKER_01: Which I I remembering that I annoyingly didn't save on one of my playthroughs as a child, you just ignored all the warnings they gave you.
1:11:30
SPEAKER_01: I think I had enough anxiety brain already that the first time I played the game, I saved it like when it told me to, you know.
1:11:38
SPEAKER_01: But I want to say that later on, you know, in childhood, I did it again and I was like pompous.
1:11:45
SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh, I got this dog.
1:11:47
SPEAKER_01: I I'm saving Meryl, dog.
1:11:48
SPEAKER_00: Like, it's not fucking eight anymore, dude.
1:11:50
SPEAKER_01: I can press I'm nine and a half, I can do this, and uh and I lost, and I had to go back two hours or whatever.
1:11:59
SPEAKER_01: And in that save, and it was like one of the uh because if you do a certain thing, you get a James Bond tuxedo for your next playthrough.
1:12:07
SPEAKER_01: And I think it was one of those where I wanted to get to a certain point with the special item, you know?
1:12:13
SPEAKER_01: Maybe it was the the invisibility cloak, so then, or well, that's Harry Potter, but you know what I mean.
1:12:18
SPEAKER_01: And uh the the fucking the fucking jacket that's invisible.
1:12:22
SPEAKER_01: If uh if I could do that in a certain part of the thing, anyway, uh I don't need to explain myself to you people.
1:12:29
SPEAKER_00: Do you think that uh what's his name?
1:12:31
SPEAKER_00: Master Chief Solid sit Solid Chief Solid Snake?
1:12:34
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I messed it up on purpose to annoy you and it didn't really work.
1:12:39
SPEAKER_00: Uh do you think that whenever he put the stealth suit on, he goes, Look, guys, I'm Splinter Cell.
1:12:46
SPEAKER_01: Call back to several weeks ago.
1:12:48
SPEAKER_01: Maybe.
1:12:48
SPEAKER_01: Um, anyway, I didn't I know I didn't have to explain that, but that the game is like, come on, man, like we're giving you every chance to say.
1:12:56
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure all the Metal Gear people out there are like, Yeah, dude, he's talking about my thing I like.
1:13:01
SPEAKER_01: That is how it is.
1:13:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:13:03
SPEAKER_01: Actually, Jake, it's uh I'm sure that Nick right now is like, yeah.
1:13:08
SPEAKER_01: Wait, but if you do this glitch, then I don't know if he's watched all the YouTube videos.
1:13:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm sure he has, dude.
1:13:16
SPEAKER_00: He's a fucking dork, bro.
1:13:18
SPEAKER_01: Dude, dude, there's a way that the game is so primitive, and we're in the fucking twilight of this.
1:13:22
SPEAKER_01: You got number one left though, right?
1:13:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:13:24
SPEAKER_01: But uh, if you go into a fucking because there's uh everywhere there's like fucking air vents, you know, that you can just go through.
1:13:30
SPEAKER_01: You can c crawl through the ventilation to to get to certain spots, and you fucking if you get into the vent and you stand up in a weird button mash, you're in the wall now.
1:13:43
SPEAKER_01: Oh.
1:13:43
SPEAKER_01: And the way this the game is designed.
1:13:46
SPEAKER_01: No clipped.
1:13:47
SPEAKER_01: The way the game is designed, you have to have the card to get through the door, you know, and on the other side of the door is where the trigger is for a certain mission, right?
1:13:58
SPEAKER_01: Or for a certain animation that then will send the game to that point, right?
1:14:04
SPEAKER_01: Well, maps back in PlayStation 1 times had to be pretty small to fit all the data on a disc, or in this case, two discs, but still, there were vastly, you know, the limitations were quite numerous, right?
1:14:16
SPEAKER_01: So uh they fucking there are certain places in the game where, especially on the communications tower, where you can do this glitch that you hit the trigger from the other side of the door because of a certain animation.
1:14:35
SPEAKER_01: When you ah fuck, I can't remember what the thing is that causes you to do this, but you're there's two different animations that Snake does, and the game cycles them.
1:14:45
SPEAKER_01: So you have to basically pray, it's a coin toss, whether he's gonna do the right one, but the right one sends his hitbox far enough through the door that he hits the trigger.
1:14:58
SPEAKER_01: And that's the same principle for the vent.
1:15:00
SPEAKER_01: You get you get into the vent and you you stand up, and now you're behind the wall.
1:15:05
SPEAKER_01: Well, if there's a door on that same wall that has a trigger behind it for later in the game, you just skip to that part of the game.
1:15:11
SPEAKER_00: Oh, so it's like an any any percent speedrun clip.
1:15:15
SPEAKER_01: And they've gotten it down to like eight minutes to play like the longest PlayStation game.
1:15:20
SPEAKER_00: Uh I like that you have you had like the mechanical principles to explain what I had like the nomenclature to understand.
1:15:31
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:15:32
SPEAKER_00: That was that was a fun mashup there.
1:15:35
SPEAKER_01: Well, yeah, we're in the twilight of the episode.
1:15:37
SPEAKER_01: I figure why not, why not go a little off beat for maybe the seven people who give a fuck?
1:15:41
SPEAKER_01: Sure.
1:15:42
SPEAKER_01: Uh, but but yeah, that so that I think would be on my list to actually make it relevant to be able to noclip.
1:15:50
SPEAKER_01: To be able to like, okay, I know that for the next two hours I'm gonna have to sit and and be in this thing, whatever it is.
1:16:00
SPEAKER_01: Like, let's say I get drugged to a movie I don't want to see.
1:16:03
SPEAKER_01: Let's say I, you know, whatever.
1:16:05
SPEAKER_01: Uh like, okay, like on Sunday when I had to watch all those dog shit fucking noon games before the Raiders game came out.
1:16:11
SPEAKER_00: You wanted you basically wanted to fast forward.
1:16:13
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:16:13
SPEAKER_01: Let's noclip that shit.
1:16:15
SPEAKER_00: Nice.
1:16:15
SPEAKER_00: You know?
1:16:16
SPEAKER_00: I see.
1:16:16
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
1:16:17
SPEAKER_00: You want a level skip?
1:16:18
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that would be on my list.
1:16:19
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like Mario.
1:16:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:16:21
SPEAKER_01: And level skip with the flute.
1:16:23
SPEAKER_01: Mario 3, yeah.
1:16:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:16:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, dog.
1:16:25
SPEAKER_01: Worried.
1:16:25
SPEAKER_01: I want to do that.
1:16:26
SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, in a similar vein, my number one is quite related to that.
1:16:31
SPEAKER_00: Fuck yeah.
1:16:31
SPEAKER_00: Not one-to-one, but pretty close.
1:16:33
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
1:16:34
SPEAKER_00: Number one on my top five list of video game real life.
1:16:39
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:16:40
SPEAKER_00: Fast travel.
1:16:41
SPEAKER_00: Ah, cool.
1:16:43
SPEAKER_00: Fast traveling would be fucking sick, dude.
1:16:46
SPEAKER_00: You aren't your own Timmy.
1:16:49
SPEAKER_00: Is this another Metal Gear thing?
1:16:50
SPEAKER_00: No.
1:16:51
SPEAKER_00: South Park.
1:16:51
SPEAKER_00: Oh.
1:16:52
SPEAKER_01: Timmy is the first one.
1:16:53
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
1:16:53
SPEAKER_01: It's been so long since I yeah.
1:16:55
SPEAKER_01: I mean Dude, seven autists just got hard when I said that.
1:16:59
SPEAKER_01: They were like, I fucking lost.
1:17:01
SPEAKER_01: I remember the stick of tree.
1:17:02
SPEAKER_01: Dude, those games are so fucking good.
1:17:04
SPEAKER_00: They are very good.
1:17:05
SPEAKER_00: I played the stick of truth.
1:17:06
SPEAKER_00: I just don't remember that mechanic per se.
1:17:09
SPEAKER_01: It's a South Park episode that you control.
1:17:13
SPEAKER_01: It's so fucking good.
1:17:14
SPEAKER_00: I mean, just like any RPG where you can open the map and pick the town you want to be in.
1:17:21
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:17:21
SPEAKER_00: And you just basically teleport there.
1:17:24
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:17:24
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
1:17:25
SPEAKER_00: The same thing, but in real life, in a in the sense that like I don't I don't like driving to work.
1:17:32
SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like dealing with traffic.
1:17:34
SPEAKER_00: I don't, you know, we're going on vacation.
1:17:36
SPEAKER_00: It's a six-hour drive.
1:17:38
SPEAKER_00: Right.
1:17:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:17:39
SPEAKER_00: Boom, you're there.
1:17:40
SPEAKER_00: Right.
1:17:40
SPEAKER_00: You want your own Mewtwo, is what I should have said.
1:17:42
SPEAKER_00: Or uh Pidgeotto with Fly.
1:17:45
SPEAKER_01: Well, yeah.
1:17:45
SPEAKER_01: I was gonna say Charizard, but then I was like, wait, you want to be there instantly.
1:17:50
SPEAKER_01: Teleport.
1:17:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:17:52
SPEAKER_00: Mewtwo.
1:17:52
SPEAKER_00: Alakazam.
1:17:53
SPEAKER_00: Teleport was the original thing I wrote down, but then I was like, that's a little too like magical.
1:17:59
SPEAKER_00: Fast travel is more video game nomenclature.
1:18:02
SPEAKER_01: True, true.
1:18:03
SPEAKER_01: But it is the name of the move in Pokemon.
1:18:06
SPEAKER_01: That's that's why I said it.
1:18:08
SPEAKER_01: So I did not fall into the normie bullshit that you're talking about.
1:18:11
SPEAKER_01: That's not why I said teleport.
1:18:13
SPEAKER_00: I thought teleport in the game was more like you can get out of battle.
1:18:17
SPEAKER_00: It is like an escape room.
1:18:19
SPEAKER_01: It is, but also in Pokopia, you use Mewtwo to teleport to a Pokemon you're searching for.
1:18:28
SPEAKER_01: I see.
1:18:29
SPEAKER_01: So it it's kinda it's not really fast travel, but it's it's getting there.
1:18:33
SPEAKER_01: I see.
1:18:34
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:18:35
SPEAKER_00: I mean fast travel in the sense of like Fallout, Skyrim, that kind of deal, where like I need to be I'm in the southwest corner of the map, and I need to be all the way in the northeast corner in this other town.
1:18:47
SPEAKER_00: Right.
1:18:47
SPEAKER_00: So I just open the map, click on it, and boom, I'm there.
1:18:50
SPEAKER_00: I don't have to fucking walk for a half an hour.
1:18:54
SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm talking about.
1:18:56
SPEAKER_00: And to the point where like if I have to walk far.
1:19:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for sure.
1:19:01
SPEAKER_00: You know, like I'm down at the fucking uh the festival and I have a place to go and it's really far to walk, I just teleport there essentially.
1:19:10
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:19:10
SPEAKER_00: I think that would be so sick.
1:19:13
SPEAKER_01: By the way, I this is kinda this is just I don't know, this is gonna be funny for you, hopefully.
1:19:20
SPEAKER_01: So when I said I get drugged to a movie that I don't want to see, it sounded like I had a movie in mind.
1:19:29
SPEAKER_01: I did not actually.
1:19:31
SPEAKER_01: I just I was just really hemming and hawing for an example, and I said that, and I realized if my chick overheard me saying that, she thinks I meant the vampire movie that she took me to that she wanted to see and we went and saw a few months ago.
1:19:48
SPEAKER_01: What was it called?
1:19:50
SPEAKER_01: I can't remember because you didn't want to see it.
1:19:52
SPEAKER_01: Something vampire, something Dracula, something.
1:19:56
SPEAKER_01: Uh and Osferatu?
1:19:58
SPEAKER_01: No, no.
1:19:59
SPEAKER_00: Because that was sick.
1:20:00
SPEAKER_01: No, no, I would have been down for that more than this.
1:20:02
SPEAKER_00: But fucking the dude, the dude that played per uh that it, that guy.
1:20:06
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:20:07
SPEAKER_00: Fucking so good.
1:20:09
SPEAKER_01: But in her defense, if she did think that, that's not what I was thinking.
1:20:14
SPEAKER_01: The movie was actually pretty good.
1:20:16
SPEAKER_01: It was not bad.
1:20:17
SPEAKER_01: Uh Dracula, something Dracula, and it's got the dude, he's in a bunch of shit.
1:20:22
SPEAKER_01: He's just a white guy who's usually playing like a middle American fella, but he's of whatever Vlad the Impaler, whoever Dracula is, he's him.
1:20:32
SPEAKER_01: And uh but with all of the you know, supernatural bullshit, you know.
1:20:36
SPEAKER_01: Right.
1:20:36
SPEAKER_01: And it's actually good.
1:20:37
SPEAKER_01: It was a it's kind of a love story, but it's uh it's got gore and shit.
1:20:40
SPEAKER_01: It was pretty good.
1:20:41
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
1:20:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:20:43
SPEAKER_01: Love and gore.
1:20:44
SPEAKER_01: I didn't hate it.
1:20:44
SPEAKER_00: Said Vlad.
1:20:46
SPEAKER_00: Word.
1:20:47
SPEAKER_00: All right, we did it.
1:20:49
SPEAKER_00: Show's over, go home.
1:20:51
SPEAKER_00: What are y'all doing here?
1:20:52
SPEAKER_00: What are you gonna fucking pick up solo cups off the ground?
1:20:55
SPEAKER_00: Get the fuck out of here.
1:20:56
SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah.
1:20:57
SPEAKER_01: So we're still doing Madden, guys.
1:20:59
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, fucking tune in.
1:21:01
SPEAKER_01: I actually accidentally made the third week's uh episode for everyone, so even the one dollar people got that.
1:21:07
SPEAKER_01: Good.
1:21:07
SPEAKER_01: So I accidentally didn't click that box.
1:21:09
SPEAKER_01: Rope didn't click it or whatever.
1:21:11
SPEAKER_00: Ropamended.
1:21:12
SPEAKER_01: So hopefully you saw that and you were like, wait a minute, I gotta see Tyler's redemption next week.
1:21:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because I did win last week, but surely only by one score, not a super decisive win to be.
1:21:24
SPEAKER_00: I forgot to mention this on the one dollar because we did talk about football.
1:21:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:21:28
SPEAKER_00: But in Mad News, I did play two quarters of a game against the CPU the other day when I was bored.
1:21:37
SPEAKER_00: Hell yeah.
1:21:37
SPEAKER_00: And then I got bored halfway through it because I accidentally left it on six or seven minute quarters, and I was like, this game is taking forever.
1:21:44
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, dude.
1:21:45
SPEAKER_00: Um you gotta go down to four at least.
1:21:47
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but I learned one new principle that I'm going to apply this week in the Madden.
1:21:52
SPEAKER_00: It's just one little small thing that I don't even know if it's gonna work or not.
1:21:56
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
1:21:56
SPEAKER_00: All right.
1:21:57
SPEAKER_00: We'll see.
1:21:58
SPEAKER_00: But Madden on the Patreon.
1:22:00
SPEAKER_00: We're about to go play here in about five minutes.
1:22:02
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
1:22:03
SPEAKER_00: I gotta piss first though, because apparently I'm I'm old and my bladder's gay.
1:22:08
SPEAKER_00: Same.
1:22:08
SPEAKER_00: Uh, if you want to check out the Madden, if you want to listen to more content, we've got lots of it.
1:22:13
SPEAKER_00: Patreon.com slash fartmouth.
1:22:15
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:22:15
SPEAKER_00: I won't fucking buzz your ears too much with it, but it is pretty cool over there.
1:22:19
SPEAKER_00: We have a good time and you hear more about our real lives.
1:22:23
SPEAKER_00: Check it out or don't.
1:22:25
SPEAKER_00: See you!