Latest / Beautifully Complex / 358: The Real Work of Parenting ND Young Adults (Part 4), with Debbie Reber

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358: The Real Work of Parenting ND Young Adults (Part 4), with Debbie Reber · Beautifully Complex

0:04
Speaker 1: And I realized, oh, I need to ask this kid
0:08
Speaker 1: if they want to go on the family vacation with us,
0:10
Speaker 1: Like I can't just assume, like, hey, we're doing this.
0:14
Speaker 1: And that was so hard for me to do because
0:17
Speaker 1: I would have been devastated if my child said, yeah,
0:20
Speaker 1: you know what, I'll sit this one out right. But
0:23
Speaker 1: I had to really put it out there, and I
0:25
Speaker 1: noticed my child was so surprised that I didn't assume
0:31
Speaker 1: that we'd all be going together.
0:34
Speaker 2: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really
0:38
Speaker 2: means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm
0:42
Speaker 2: Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative
0:46
Speaker 2: this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how
0:49
Speaker 2: to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh and
0:55
Speaker 2: if you want more support, join our free community at
0:58
Speaker 2: hub dot beautifully Complex dot life. Welcome back everyone. I
1:07
Speaker 2: am so excited to have DeBie Reever joining me again
1:12
Speaker 2: on the podcast. This is actually a continuation of a
1:16
Speaker 2: conversation we have had now in multiple parts on both
1:20
Speaker 2: of our podcasts around parenting neurodivergent young adults. So this
1:26
Speaker 2: is part four we did parts one and two early on,
1:31
Speaker 2: maybe five months ago, six months ago, something like that,
1:35
Speaker 2: and did not get to all of the material that
1:39
Speaker 2: we wanted to talk about, and so now we're here
1:42
Speaker 2: doing parts three and four. To listen to part three,
1:47
Speaker 2: you need to go over to Debbie's podcast ful Tilled
1:50
Speaker 2: Parenting and look for that episode. It will be labeled
1:55
Speaker 2: Part three, and then come back here and listen to
1:59
Speaker 2: part fio for In this part, we're going to talk
2:01
Speaker 2: about the relational and emotional layer, which I know relationship
2:08
Speaker 2: is everything, and it's even more so when we're talking
2:12
Speaker 2: about teens and young adults, and awesome, I'm really glad
2:17
Speaker 2: that we're going to get deeper into our own experience
2:21
Speaker 2: as the parent that emotional piece, because it's a lot,
2:27
Speaker 2: it's a whole lot. Debbie, let's start with this idea
2:33
Speaker 2: of consent language, supporting our kids without controlling our kids.
2:39
Speaker 2: I am a type afixer. I always wanted to just
2:42
Speaker 2: solve the problem or do the thing, and I had
2:45
Speaker 2: to really learn to pull back from that. And especially
2:49
Speaker 2: when we have young adults, they don't want us doing
2:51
Speaker 2: it for them. They don't want us telling them how
2:55
Speaker 2: to do things. So what does that look like what
2:58
Speaker 2: shifts have you maybe made as your ketto has gotten older.
3:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, we have fully embraced and leaned into declarative language,
3:07
Speaker 1: which your listeners are probably familiar with. But it is,
3:12
Speaker 1: you know, just very much kind of low demand statements
3:16
Speaker 1: that leave room for our kids to feel like we're
3:20
Speaker 1: not putting them on the spot or placing demands on them. Right,
3:23
Speaker 1: So it's starting things with like I notice or I
3:27
Speaker 1: wonder if this would be helpful, as opposed to I'm
3:31
Speaker 1: going to do this, or I'm gonna I want to
3:33
Speaker 1: help you, or what do you need? Right, It's very
3:35
Speaker 1: it's just got a completely different vibe and so that
3:39
Speaker 1: is something that we have really leaned into. I have
3:43
Speaker 1: to tell you a funny story because this has been
3:46
Speaker 1: something I've been doing for a couple of years now
3:48
Speaker 1: and I've explained it to my husband many times. And
3:53
Speaker 1: recently we were doing a course for parents of young
3:57
Speaker 1: adults and there was a module on declarative language, and
4:02
Speaker 1: my husband was downstairs and he was texting me this
4:06
Speaker 1: declarative language stuff is really interesting. I think it would
4:09
Speaker 1: make such a difference. And I was like, yeah, it's
4:13
Speaker 1: what I use all the time. And have for several
4:15
Speaker 1: years now. So that has really become our way of
4:20
Speaker 1: providing offers of support without like imposing ourselves on our child.
4:28
Speaker 1: And if listeners haven't listened to the other episodes, you know,
4:33
Speaker 1: just to say that my kid is in a university,
4:36
Speaker 1: not living at home and is out of the country
4:38
Speaker 1: right now. And this is the second year and it
4:42
Speaker 1: has been incredibly challenging to support a human who wants
4:47
Speaker 1: to do everything alone and without help. And I can
4:52
Speaker 1: do this, and you know, my husband and I see
4:56
Speaker 1: so many like potential pitfalls and you know, problems down
5:00
Speaker 1: the road. We can see them coming a mile away,
5:02
Speaker 1: and so we want to prevent that. You know, we
5:05
Speaker 1: talked about that in the last installment, like we want
5:08
Speaker 1: to prevent the bad things from happening. But this has
5:11
Speaker 1: become a real challenge. And also just to explain the dynamic,
5:16
Speaker 1: I am like the person who orders licorice from Amazon
5:20
Speaker 1: sometimes if my kid needs to pick me up right
5:23
Speaker 1: or like on a Saturday night, can you just get
5:26
Speaker 1: me some Papa John's sent to my place. I'm like, yeah,
5:29
Speaker 1: I got you. I'll get you some takeout tonight and
5:32
Speaker 1: I'll throw in like a treat you know along with that,
5:36
Speaker 1: So that's been my role. Darren has been the more
5:38
Speaker 1: hands on supportive. Are you on chalk with your assignments?
5:43
Speaker 1: Do you need help with us? That kind of thing.
5:45
Speaker 1: And what we've noticed is the more the demands go
5:50
Speaker 1: up for my kid and the pressure mounts, the more
5:53
Speaker 1: my husband also gets activated and then wants to really
5:57
Speaker 1: impose help. You need to be and we have to
6:01
Speaker 1: do this, and you know, and you know what happens
6:04
Speaker 1: when your kid is living. You know, I think it's
6:07
Speaker 1: four hundred and fourteen miles away, is what I can
6:10
Speaker 1: tell from my phone and across the North Sea is
6:15
Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, I'm gonna just do this on my
6:17
Speaker 1: own and I'm not going to respond to your discord messages, right,
6:21
Speaker 1: So trying to impose and not get consent for help
6:25
Speaker 1: and support has backfired. And that's when I step in, like, hey,
6:29
Speaker 1: do you need anything from the store? Can I get
6:31
Speaker 1: some groceries delivered too? So we've been kind of like
6:34
Speaker 1: almost tag teaming. It's not good cop, bad cop, but
6:37
Speaker 1: we've noticed we've gotten a lot of evidence now that
6:40
Speaker 1: the more we try to impose help and support, the
6:45
Speaker 1: more pushback we're getting. So we are learning to just
6:50
Speaker 1: hold steady, stay calm, offer help. I'm wondering if it
6:56
Speaker 1: would be helpful if we jumped on zoom and co
7:00
Speaker 1: work this afternoon. I'll be around all day, just let
7:02
Speaker 1: me know. Or I'm wondering if talking through this assignment
7:06
Speaker 1: would be helpful or whatever. And then we just have
7:09
Speaker 1: to like be like, Okay, we've hit the tennis ball
7:12
Speaker 1: to the other side. It's up to them to hit
7:15
Speaker 1: it back. And that's the practice that we have been
7:19
Speaker 1: living through for the past two years, and we're getting
7:21
Speaker 1: a little better at it. You know. I wrote about
7:23
Speaker 1: this in my newsletter recently that I was getting really
7:27
Speaker 1: good at hitting the tennis ball and then running to
7:28
Speaker 1: the other side and hitting it back to myself until
7:31
Speaker 1: my sister called me and said, deb you can't play
7:33
Speaker 1: tennis against yourself. So we're learning to just stay on
7:37
Speaker 1: our side of the court and know that nothing happens
7:41
Speaker 1: without consent, and especially again with the human who has
7:45
Speaker 1: a strong desire for autonomy, that's really important. It's just
7:50
Speaker 1: there's nothing that's going to happen without that consent.
7:53
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, what about you. I would be staying on
7:58
Speaker 2: my side of the tennis court but begging and pleading
8:01
Speaker 2: and desperation for him to engage and hind it back.
8:04
Speaker 2: That would be me like, please, I need you to
8:08
Speaker 2: do this.
8:09
Speaker 1: Yeah, can I just ask what does that look like?
8:12
Speaker 1: Because that I would get cut off if I did that?
8:15
Speaker 1: Like what does that look like when you do that? Yeah?
8:19
Speaker 2: I get cut off? Sure? Yeah? Or you know, I
8:23
Speaker 2: don't want to talk about this right now, or you know.
8:26
Speaker 2: It's that pressure thing. And this is probably the number
8:29
Speaker 2: one lesson that I have learned from my own kid.
8:33
Speaker 2: The more I pressure, the less willing he is. And
8:39
Speaker 2: he has said this to me in no uncertain terms
8:42
Speaker 2: and as a teen, probably in high school. Finally he
8:45
Speaker 2: just really vocalized it in a way that was like
8:48
Speaker 2: a smack in the face, you know, like hear me
8:51
Speaker 2: when I say this. And so I've had to really
8:56
Speaker 2: learn how to pull back, which is really hard for
8:59
Speaker 2: me because that's the way that I'm wired. And you know,
9:04
Speaker 2: I'm trying really hard not to be part of that
9:08
Speaker 2: tennis game anymore. You know, I want to be like
9:11
Speaker 2: the coach on the sideline and not an active part
9:17
Speaker 2: of what is happening because I can't impose my will.
9:23
Speaker 2: I can't even impose my support, right, which is what
9:25
Speaker 2: you were talking about at the beginning here is we
9:29
Speaker 2: can either offer support or we can try to impose support.
9:32
Speaker 2: And when we impose it, it comes with all that
9:34
Speaker 2: pressure that shuts down their nervous system, like it makes
9:39
Speaker 2: it physiologically less able to do the thing.
9:43
Speaker 1: Yeah a thousand percent.
9:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but that is so very difficult to not
9:50
Speaker 2: keep jumping in, to not keep trying to do for them,
9:53
Speaker 2: or to keep telling them what to do instead of
9:57
Speaker 2: guiding them to figure out what to do. And I'm curious,
10:01
Speaker 2: do you, with your kido try to sort of not
10:06
Speaker 2: lead but prompt that my guess in ways to support themselves.
10:12
Speaker 2: Does that make sense?
10:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, and yes I do. I think the trick is
10:20
Speaker 1: to do that without attachment. And we talked about that
10:24
Speaker 1: in the last conversation because I get really excited when
10:28
Speaker 1: my kid connects the dots on something. I was like, oh,
10:31
Speaker 1: I today went for a walk and it was really
10:35
Speaker 1: nice and I sat outside in this field for a
10:38
Speaker 1: little while and just kind of closed my eyes and
10:40
Speaker 1: it felt so good. And in my mind, I'm like, oh, yes,
10:44
Speaker 1: more of that.
10:45
Speaker 2: Do more of that?
10:46
Speaker 1: Your anxiety, your nervous system all of it needs that
10:49
Speaker 1: like take a moment for yourself, like get calm, be
10:52
Speaker 1: in nature, right, And so I try to encourage and
10:56
Speaker 1: be like, oh, that's great, and then you know, I'm
10:58
Speaker 1: so glad that you did that yourself. That feels so nice.
11:01
Speaker 1: And then you know, I might try to slip that
11:04
Speaker 1: in another time, like, oh, I'm wondering if you have
11:07
Speaker 1: time to sit in that field. That sounds like it
11:09
Speaker 1: really felt so nice for you, right, So I try
11:12
Speaker 1: to encourage the problem is if I do that encouragement
11:18
Speaker 1: feeling again like attached to that actually happening, then I'm
11:23
Speaker 1: setting myself up to get disappointed and it will still
11:25
Speaker 1: feel like pressure for my child. So it's just this
11:28
Speaker 1: like putting stuff out there and being and then just
11:32
Speaker 1: letting it go. It's like putting an idea out there
11:34
Speaker 1: and just saying see you later, and I really have
11:36
Speaker 1: to just turn away from it like it's not mine anymore.
11:41
Speaker 1: That is what I've been like leveling up the past
11:45
Speaker 1: couple of months, like actually embodying that feeling, probably even
11:48
Speaker 1: differently from when you and I talked and did the
11:51
Speaker 1: parts one and two. Yeah, I feel like I'm getting
11:55
Speaker 1: better at doing that doesn't mean I don't still have
11:58
Speaker 1: my moments or days where I can't let it go
12:02
Speaker 1: and I'm just like, do the thing, right. I don't
12:06
Speaker 1: understand why you're not doing the thing. So I'm definitely
12:10
Speaker 1: so many times, Yeah, I'm getting there with that. There's
12:15
Speaker 1: a little like side note that I just wanted to
12:18
Speaker 1: tag onto this idea of consent because I think what
12:22
Speaker 1: we're really talking about is that we have to retrain ourselves, right,
12:28
Speaker 1: And there's no no one says, Okay, when your child
12:32
Speaker 1: turns this age, your relationship with your child's going to change,
12:36
Speaker 1: and you're going to need to do X, y and
12:38
Speaker 1: Z in order to be able to navigate all the
12:42
Speaker 1: changes that your kids going through and what they're going
12:44
Speaker 1: to need as they grow up. Right, No one tells
12:48
Speaker 1: us how to do that, but we have to kind
12:51
Speaker 1: of change our approach. We have to completely change our
12:54
Speaker 1: relationship if we want to prioritize connection with our kids. Right.
12:58
Speaker 1: And one of those things for me that I found
13:00
Speaker 1: is really powerful. It's also not not making assumptions about
13:05
Speaker 1: what my child needs or wants. And this is like
13:08
Speaker 1: a little example of that. So we've always gone on
13:12
Speaker 1: a family vacation and I don't think I talked about
13:15
Speaker 1: this in the last episode, but last summer I was
13:18
Speaker 1: planning a family vacation and I realized, oh, I need
13:23
Speaker 1: to ask this kid if they want to go on
13:25
Speaker 1: the family vacation with us, Like I can't just assume, like, hey,
13:30
Speaker 1: we're doing this. And I was so proud of myself
13:33
Speaker 1: that I did it that I even said, so, you know,
13:36
Speaker 1: I've been planning this and this is what I'm thinking.
13:38
Speaker 1: Does that sound like something you'd be interested to do.
13:40
Speaker 1: We'd love to have you, but it's really up to you.
13:44
Speaker 1: That was so hard for me to do because I
13:47
Speaker 1: would have been devastated if my child said, yeah, you
13:50
Speaker 1: know what, I'll sit this one out right. But I
13:53
Speaker 1: had to really put it out there, and I noticed
13:56
Speaker 1: my child was so surprised that I didn't assume that
14:02
Speaker 1: we'd all be going together, and my kid was surprised
14:05
Speaker 1: that I extended that offer, and I did in a
14:09
Speaker 1: really calm way, and my child decided to go on
14:12
Speaker 1: holiday with us.
14:13
Speaker 2: But we can really shock them when we're not trying
14:15
Speaker 2: to control, right.
14:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was a big moment for all of us,
14:18
Speaker 1: and I feel like it kind of re set somehow
14:23
Speaker 1: the dynamic that we have. It kind of moved us
14:27
Speaker 1: into a different pathway almost, you know.
14:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that retraining takes a lot of time, a
14:35
Speaker 2: lot of awareness and effort, you know. It's not just
14:40
Speaker 2: like we can flip a switch and be a different
14:44
Speaker 2: or take on a different role right than we're used to.
14:48
Speaker 2: It's funny. My sister and I have been walking once
14:50
Speaker 2: a week after work here in my neighborhood, and just
14:54
Speaker 2: last week we were having the same conversation. Her kiddo
14:58
Speaker 2: is graduating college like a week from when we're recording this,
15:03
Speaker 2: and talking about how she was planning the family vacation,
15:05
Speaker 2: and she went, oh, I guess I need to ask
15:09
Speaker 2: if he wants to come along with us. You know.
15:13
Speaker 2: It's that transition of like we've had eighteen years of
15:18
Speaker 2: just making these assumptions and planning their schedule in their
15:22
Speaker 2: life right, and now suddenly we're supposed to do it
15:25
Speaker 2: completely differently, and it's hard. And I've been, you know,
15:29
Speaker 2: open with my kids about that. It has been hard
15:32
Speaker 2: for me to make this shift. I really am trying,
15:35
Speaker 2: right and just letting them know that earlier you said
15:39
Speaker 2: something about connection that I want to explore further because
15:45
Speaker 2: that relationship really guides so much for our kids, and
15:53
Speaker 2: we do have to show up differently if we want
15:56
Speaker 2: to continue to have connection with them at this age.
16:01
Speaker 2: What has that looked like for you?
16:03
Speaker 1: Yeah, this has been a moving target in some ways
16:08
Speaker 1: because I didn't know, again, because my kid isn't at home,
16:12
Speaker 1: I didn't know what our relationship was going to look like.
16:15
Speaker 1: And I only had, you know, examples from friends whose
16:19
Speaker 1: kids are like, oh, yeah, I talk to my kid
16:21
Speaker 1: every day or whatever. We're on text all the time.
16:23
Speaker 1: And my kid is not like that. So I was like, oh,
16:26
Speaker 1: I'm really not being communicated with very much, or I'm
16:29
Speaker 1: not getting responses to my text. What's going on? And
16:32
Speaker 1: so I really struggled with that, and I've had to
16:37
Speaker 1: think about how do I not feel personally hurt, you know,
16:42
Speaker 1: and take it personally that my child is not being
16:45
Speaker 1: as communicative. What does that mean? Maybe our relationship isn't
16:48
Speaker 1: as strong as I thought. And I've you know, homeschooled
16:50
Speaker 1: this kid for six years and we were so close,
16:53
Speaker 1: and so I really had to unpack all of it
16:56
Speaker 1: from me and what I was making it mean and
16:59
Speaker 1: then start to realize my kid is like busy like,
17:03
Speaker 1: you know, like living a life and trying to figure
17:06
Speaker 1: things out and trying to do college and all that stuff.
17:09
Speaker 1: It's not about me, but it's easier said than done.
17:12
Speaker 1: And so that has been what I've been really trying
17:15
Speaker 1: to to figure out. How do I stay connected and
17:19
Speaker 1: make sure that my child knows that I am thinking
17:24
Speaker 1: of them and you know, and I'm here and I'm
17:27
Speaker 1: still that safe person while also you know, managing my
17:32
Speaker 1: own expectations and not feeling disappointed. Right, So what that
17:37
Speaker 1: looks like now? And again we're now almost two full
17:40
Speaker 1: school years in, so it's been a work in progress
17:43
Speaker 1: and we're evolving. What it looks like now, is I
17:48
Speaker 1: just instead of like thinking, oh, I shouldn't bug my kid,
17:52
Speaker 1: or I'm going to be really strategic about when I
17:54
Speaker 1: send a message, and you know, like I had these
17:56
Speaker 1: weird rules around what communication should look like because I
17:59
Speaker 1: didn't want to be overbearing and I didn't want to.
18:01
Speaker 2: Be this or that.
18:03
Speaker 1: Now I'm like, you know, what if I'm laying in bed,
18:05
Speaker 1: which I shouldn't be on my phone at midnight, but
18:07
Speaker 1: yes i am. If I'm laying in my bed on
18:09
Speaker 1: my phone, and I'm like, ugh, I missed this kid.
18:12
Speaker 1: I might just shoot a quick text, miss you, love you,
18:15
Speaker 1: hope you had a great day. That's it, and then
18:17
Speaker 1: I just turn off my phone. I used to be like,
18:21
Speaker 1: it's been three days and I haven't even gotten a
18:23
Speaker 1: red response. Right now, just like I don't care. I'm
18:27
Speaker 1: just putting stuff out there, just like the you know
18:29
Speaker 1: we talked about earlier, putting the offers of support or
18:33
Speaker 1: things out there. I'm just putting my love out there
18:37
Speaker 1: for my child. And I collect stupid, ridiculous memes, and
18:41
Speaker 1: I'm very I'm very selective. I don't, like, you know,
18:46
Speaker 1: send memes unless I think they're really like gonna elicit
18:50
Speaker 1: an eye roll or like a good laugh, right, and
18:53
Speaker 1: they feel connected to our relationship. But I, you know,
18:55
Speaker 1: I'll pebble with a meme here or there, and I
18:58
Speaker 1: just kind of just stuff out again, staying detached from
19:02
Speaker 1: the outcome. And that has helped us feel closer because
19:06
Speaker 1: now when I communicate, there's not an agenda. Yeah, before
19:12
Speaker 1: there would be an agenda either that I needed my
19:16
Speaker 1: heart to be filled up by this kid, or I
19:20
Speaker 1: had an agenda like we need to touch base about
19:23
Speaker 1: your meds refill, we need to tell you know, like
19:25
Speaker 1: I had a list of things, and so that didn't
19:28
Speaker 1: foster connection, right, So now I'm just like, no, I'm
19:31
Speaker 1: just going to reach out. And now there's my kid
19:34
Speaker 1: also doesn't feel this like demand associated with my text,
19:39
Speaker 1: and so it feels so much better and I feel
19:42
Speaker 1: like it's keeping us close in a way that works
19:45
Speaker 1: for both of us.
19:46
Speaker 2: It does feel better. Yeah, when we're able to really
19:49
Speaker 2: fully make that shift in moments, we fully make it
19:53
Speaker 2: because I think you know it's a practice, so true,
19:56
Speaker 2: it does feel better. Before you said agenda, I had
20:00
Speaker 2: written down agenda because this is a big one. I
20:04
Speaker 2: was just having this conversation with another parent in coaching
20:08
Speaker 2: last week, Like I said, you've got to lean into connection.
20:11
Speaker 2: This was I think an older teen maybe sixteen, seventeen,
20:15
Speaker 2: something like that, who has just withdrawn from the family
20:18
Speaker 2: doesn't want to engage anymore. And it's because and this
20:21
Speaker 2: is not the first parent that I've spoken to in
20:24
Speaker 2: this exact situation, because every time they interact, there's an agenda. Yeah,
20:30
Speaker 2: and that feels totally different than just you know, saying hey,
20:36
Speaker 2: I hope you had a good day, right, That's received
20:40
Speaker 2: very differently by our kids' nervous systems, and so we're
20:45
Speaker 2: looking at like genuine connection, like human to human connection.
20:50
Speaker 2: Not I'm talking to them so I'm connecting, but the
20:56
Speaker 2: actual like nurturing of the relationship. Yes, And that can
21:00
Speaker 2: be really hard because we are anxious about their future, right,
21:05
Speaker 2: we want the best for them, We want to protect
21:08
Speaker 2: them from making the same mistakes we did in all
21:11
Speaker 2: of these things, and we end up coming into the
21:16
Speaker 2: relationship with the agenda and it can be really hard
21:20
Speaker 2: to pull it back. But if we don't pull it
21:22
Speaker 2: back on our side, we're actually pushing them away. We're
21:25
Speaker 2: pushing them further and further back. It's so true.
21:28
Speaker 1: And I just add one layer of complexity to that
21:31
Speaker 1: is that when you don't have much communication with your
21:34
Speaker 1: kid and there are very real things that have to happen,
21:37
Speaker 1: it's this type rope of like how do I maintain
21:41
Speaker 1: the connection and not have an agenda and there's still
21:44
Speaker 1: like a couple of things that have to get discussed
21:46
Speaker 1: or sorted right, And sometimes there's a cost to you know,
21:51
Speaker 1: to not pursuing the things that need to be discussed.
21:55
Speaker 1: It's like, well, I guess you're not going to get
21:57
Speaker 1: your ADHD meds for a week because I I didn't
22:00
Speaker 1: have an opening to remind you to go to boots and.
22:03
Speaker 2: Pick them up or whatever, you know what I mean.
22:05
Speaker 1: So it is this constant like you know, we're weighing
22:09
Speaker 1: our options, like you know, what's most important right now?
22:14
Speaker 1: Where is there an opportunity, And sometimes the opportunity isn't there,
22:18
Speaker 1: so we just have to default to the connection. I'm
22:22
Speaker 1: curious to know from what this looks like for you,
22:26
Speaker 1: maintaining connection.
22:28
Speaker 2: It's difficult. A lot of talk about music. You know.
22:33
Speaker 2: We have set this pattern with each other from way
22:37
Speaker 2: back in like middle school probably where you would get
22:42
Speaker 2: my crafter school and I would say, oh, how is
22:44
Speaker 2: your day? Tell me all the things, and he would,
22:47
Speaker 2: you know, and shut down and not want to talk
22:49
Speaker 2: about it. And I had to find another way in
22:54
Speaker 2: right because and again that was my agenda. My agenda
22:57
Speaker 2: was to see how things went because I care, but
23:00
Speaker 2: also to see if there's anything I needed to be
23:01
Speaker 2: advocating for, if there's anything I needed to take care
23:04
Speaker 2: of right to help him. And so it was loaded
23:08
Speaker 2: and he felt it, and I had to learn to
23:11
Speaker 2: shift into just something that he was interested in and
23:14
Speaker 2: super into music, or a whole family who enjoys music.
23:19
Speaker 2: Not all of us have any talent. I do, not
23:21
Speaker 2: they do. But I was interested, like genuinely interested. So
23:27
Speaker 2: I would just say, connect your phone, play a song
23:29
Speaker 2: you discovered this week, and then we would talk all
23:32
Speaker 2: the way home, Whereas if I just asked how the
23:35
Speaker 2: day was, I was a chauffeur and he was trying
23:39
Speaker 2: to get his needs met by not saying a word, right,
23:42
Speaker 2: not engaging. And we've continued that, like we still he'll
23:47
Speaker 2: just you know, come in and say hi to me
23:51
Speaker 2: and say, oh, I'm going to send you something. I
23:54
Speaker 2: just watch this video. I think you'll appreciate it, or
23:57
Speaker 2: you know, and we're into very different things like I
24:00
Speaker 2: don't really watch YouTube. Everyone in my house though non
24:06
Speaker 2: stop YouTube. I'm the only one, right, So it's like
24:10
Speaker 2: still being open to hearing and receiving what they're interested
24:17
Speaker 2: in and letting the conversations be that instead of being well,
24:23
Speaker 2: I need you to practice driving. When are we going
24:25
Speaker 2: to do that? What is your next? And believe me,
24:28
Speaker 2: these conversations happen because I can't help myself sometimes. But
24:32
Speaker 2: I have learned that there has to be this balance,
24:35
Speaker 2: and I think that's what you were really talking about there.
24:39
Speaker 2: But also if we sprinkle in those little bits of
24:43
Speaker 2: I'm just communicating with you because I love you, because
24:46
Speaker 2: I care about you, it helps the other pieces the agenda.
24:52
Speaker 2: There's really important things. We have to discuss stuff to
24:56
Speaker 2: land a little softer because they know we care, whereas
25:00
Speaker 2: if we just come in I think with the agenda
25:03
Speaker 2: it is because we care, but it doesn't really feel
25:07
Speaker 2: that way on the receiving end. Yeah, it feels more
25:09
Speaker 2: like nagging and being disappointed in them. And so, yeah,
25:15
Speaker 2: like just being really open and what are you watching
25:18
Speaker 2: these days, who are you hanging out with, what games
25:22
Speaker 2: are you playing? What you know? Just really trying to
25:25
Speaker 2: invite getting to know Yeah right.
25:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah that's nice. Yeah, getting to know who our
25:33
Speaker 1: kids are now because they're always changing, and yeah, we
25:38
Speaker 1: have to kind of keep up right or we're going
25:40
Speaker 1: to not know what they're into these days. And once
25:44
Speaker 1: you hit on something that they're into, it's like the
25:47
Speaker 1: flood gates open, and then with some of our kids,
25:50
Speaker 1: you won't be able to get them to stop talking
25:51
Speaker 1: about that particular thing. Yeah.
25:53
Speaker 2: Sometimes, yes, for sure, for sure. Let me pause for
26:01
Speaker 2: a second, because if you're listening to this podcast, I'm
26:05
Speaker 2: guessing you've had at least one moment recently where you thought,
26:09
Speaker 2: why is this so hard? And what am I supposed
26:13
Speaker 2: to do here? Maybe it was a meltdown that seemed
26:16
Speaker 2: to come out of nowhere, or a shutdown where your
26:18
Speaker 2: child just couldn't engage, or one of those moments where
26:23
Speaker 2: everything escalates so fast and you're just left trying to
26:28
Speaker 2: figure out what just happened. And most of us are
26:33
Speaker 2: taught to look at those moments as behavior problems, but
26:37
Speaker 2: they're not. They're signals, signals from a nervous system that's
26:41
Speaker 2: overwhelmed or out of capacity, or not feeling safe enough
26:45
Speaker 2: in that moment. They're disregulated, and when we miss that,
26:50
Speaker 2: we end up trying strategy after strategy, but nothing really changes.
26:56
Speaker 2: And that's exactly why I created the Unlocking Regulation Summit
27:01
Speaker 2: that's taking place May eighteenth through the twenty first. It's
27:06
Speaker 2: a completely free event where I'm bringing together incredible experts
27:10
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27:15
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27:20
Speaker 2: not more pressure, real usable support for your real life moments.
27:26
Speaker 2: And we're talking about what's really driving meltdowns and shutdowns,
27:30
Speaker 2: what helps in those hard moments, and how to support
27:35
Speaker 2: your kid in a way that actually builds capacity over time.
27:39
Speaker 2: You can join us free. It's for kids of all
27:42
Speaker 2: ages from four to twenty four plus. Just go to
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Speaker 2: regulated kids dot com and save your spot. That's Regulated
27:51
Speaker 2: kids dot com. If you're feeling stuck or second guessing yourself,
27:56
Speaker 2: or just exhausted from trying to figure it out, this
28:00
Speaker 2: is for you. So when we think about the future,
28:12
Speaker 2: and we're getting really keyed up, right, we're getting really
28:15
Speaker 2: anxious about their future. And I still fall into that
28:19
Speaker 2: trap myself because there isn't yet a clear path connecting
28:24
Speaker 2: where we are to future independence. We try to get
28:29
Speaker 2: our kids on board with like thinking about the future,
28:33
Speaker 2: setting their goals, all of these things. How do we
28:37
Speaker 2: talk about that in a way that isn't heavy, that
28:41
Speaker 2: doesn't give them a lot of emotion, right, that doesn't
28:46
Speaker 2: compact with a lot of emotion. How do we get
28:49
Speaker 2: them to start thinking about that? And I think, you know,
28:52
Speaker 2: like my kid has ADHD and it's super hard. It's
28:55
Speaker 2: either now or not now, and so we're really struggling
28:58
Speaker 2: with that. But I'm curious, how do you have these
29:00
Speaker 2: conversations with your keno when not just when they're successful,
29:05
Speaker 2: when they're not successful, to you tell us, tell us
29:07
Speaker 2: all the things.
29:08
Speaker 1: Well, we really don't talk about the future very often,
29:12
Speaker 1: I will say, because the anxiety responds to any conversation
29:19
Speaker 1: about the future is so high that it can shut
29:22
Speaker 1: everything down, gotcha. And it has been that way really,
29:27
Speaker 1: I'm thinking even since COVID. But like the thought of
29:30
Speaker 1: the future or getting old or all that stuff has
29:33
Speaker 1: just created so much anxiety that we've just had to
29:37
Speaker 1: proceed with a lot of caution. And so we very
29:41
Speaker 1: much talk about what can we do now to keep
29:44
Speaker 1: opportunities open, like you're you're always going to be changing
29:48
Speaker 1: and growing and learning, and how can we just kind
29:53
Speaker 1: of focus on where we are right now in a
29:56
Speaker 1: way that kind of can present potential opportu tunities in
30:00
Speaker 1: the future. And we ask it to a lot and
30:02
Speaker 1: we'll figure that out when we get there. So it's
30:05
Speaker 1: and I you know, I don't know if that's the
30:08
Speaker 1: right thing to do. What I do and what I
30:12
Speaker 1: know my husband does is we might read an article,
30:16
Speaker 1: write about something that we know our kid's going to
30:19
Speaker 1: be interested in or is that is tied to a
30:21
Speaker 1: specific area of focus, right, graphic design for example, Darren
30:26
Speaker 1: might send an article or you know, and we'll plant
30:29
Speaker 1: little seeds, like when there's something optics, for example, my
30:32
Speaker 1: kid's really into optics, and I don't know what that is,
30:35
Speaker 1: if I'm being honest.
30:36
Speaker 2: But it's a thing.
30:37
Speaker 1: And so you know, when there's a lot of passion
30:40
Speaker 1: around something, and then you know, Darren will be like, oh,
30:44
Speaker 1: you know, actually this is like a specialty that not
30:46
Speaker 1: a lot of people know how to do. Like it's
30:49
Speaker 1: possible to make a career out of doing this thing,
30:52
Speaker 1: and this is what it could look like. That's a
30:54
Speaker 1: pretty interesting thing, you know, to maybe think about down
30:57
Speaker 1: the road. So we'll kind of look for opportunities, but
31:00
Speaker 1: we move so slowly so that my child doesn't shut down.
31:04
Speaker 1: So we also kind of model our own kind of
31:07
Speaker 1: zig zagged path. I mean, I'm probably on career number
31:10
Speaker 1: like fifteen at this point, right, so just trying to
31:15
Speaker 1: model that experience of like you know, self discovery, just
31:20
Speaker 1: like you know you talked about in our part three. Listeners,
31:24
Speaker 1: you go back and listen to part three, but like
31:25
Speaker 1: really understanding what environments do I thrive and what kind
31:29
Speaker 1: of a work style would be good for me, Like
31:32
Speaker 1: who am I out in the world, because understanding that
31:36
Speaker 1: stuff will kind of narrow down or hone in on,
31:41
Speaker 1: you know, environments that might be a good fit down
31:45
Speaker 1: the road. So always looking at things as like, oh, good,
31:47
Speaker 1: good information. You're learning a lot about yourself and what
31:50
Speaker 1: you need and what kind of environments you might thrive in.
31:52
Speaker 1: But we are proceeding very slowly, so yeah, I'm curious
31:57
Speaker 1: to hear how you would answer that question.
31:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, slowly as well. I love that you're meeting your
32:02
Speaker 2: kid where they're at with that. If it does provoke anxiety,
32:07
Speaker 2: really trying to honor that because you know, the more
32:12
Speaker 2: anxiety there is, the less forward momentum there's going to
32:16
Speaker 2: be right again. Where we're making it less doable. It's
32:20
Speaker 2: interesting for us. It's been a lot around finances and money,
32:25
Speaker 2: the conversations about the future, because I feel so desperate
32:29
Speaker 2: in that with where he's at right now. But I
32:32
Speaker 2: try to otherwise just be goal oriented. His goal oriented,
32:38
Speaker 2: not my goal oriented, right, his goal oriented. It's interesting.
32:43
Speaker 2: Several months ago he said to me, if I'm still
32:46
Speaker 2: living at home at twenty five, I don't know he
32:50
Speaker 2: probably said. I know he didn't say I'm gonna kill myself,
32:52
Speaker 2: but like it will be the end of the world
32:54
Speaker 2: was basically what he was saying. And I was like, well,
32:59
Speaker 2: but you know you twenty three. Do you think you
33:02
Speaker 2: have time from where you are now to being fully
33:05
Speaker 2: independent at twenty five? And I think he changed the
33:09
Speaker 2: conversation at that point, but a couple days later he
33:13
Speaker 2: came back and he was like, you're right, I do
33:17
Speaker 2: need to be focusing on what I need to do
33:20
Speaker 2: to get there. And then crickets right. Like it wasn't like, oh,
33:26
Speaker 2: I'm I'm all in now, I'm gonna do something to
33:29
Speaker 2: make this happen. So you know, I think it ebbs
33:32
Speaker 2: and flows, like it comes up for them and we
33:37
Speaker 2: get an opportunity to talk about it a little bit,
33:41
Speaker 2: and then I have to let it simmer.
33:43
Speaker 1: Yeah.
33:44
Speaker 2: I have to be okay with it being whatever timeline
33:48
Speaker 2: it ends up being, because it can't be my timeline.
33:53
Speaker 2: You know, as you were talking about the anxiety piece,
33:56
Speaker 2: I was thinking, I'm probably putting somethingsiety on him, so
34:01
Speaker 2: my own anxieties about his future and I have to
34:06
Speaker 2: be really careful and mindful of that, but that you know,
34:10
Speaker 2: you talking about it really brought it to the forefront
34:12
Speaker 2: of my mind. Is something that I want to be
34:15
Speaker 2: cautious about. For sure. It's just hard. It's hard to
34:21
Speaker 2: think about. And I think we were talking about this
34:23
Speaker 2: before we started recording today. Is we were very different
34:27
Speaker 2: at that age. We were out there, work in multiple jobs,
34:31
Speaker 2: going to college, doing all the things, and that felt
34:36
Speaker 2: natural to me. And those are not the kids I have,
34:40
Speaker 2: And this is not that time. This is a different world.
34:43
Speaker 2: It's a different time, and it's very hard to sort
34:45
Speaker 2: of separate that a lot of times. Yeah, so many
34:49
Speaker 2: emotions to navigate with this parenting thing.
34:53
Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. I'm going to add one other thing
34:55
Speaker 1: because my friend Julie Lescott Jims just released her new
34:59
Speaker 1: ted ex but her work now is focused on her
35:03
Speaker 1: new book that she's working on is focused on having
35:07
Speaker 1: young adults living at home, like in kind of multi
35:11
Speaker 1: generational households, and that that is the reality for so
35:15
Speaker 1: many people, and that it used to be something that
35:18
Speaker 1: we think is a bad thing or a sign of
35:20
Speaker 1: failure or whatever. And because of the reality of the
35:23
Speaker 1: world we're living in now. And yeah, just the opportunities
35:27
Speaker 1: that are available, and you know, I think we're at
35:29
Speaker 1: this kind of you know, watershed moment where I think
35:33
Speaker 1: we're all being asked to look at independence launching differently.
35:39
Speaker 1: And yeah, so I just like that reframe too, that
35:43
Speaker 1: if we can design what would work for our family,
35:46
Speaker 1: what feels right for our unique dynamic and our family,
35:51
Speaker 1: what works for everybody and everyone's continuing to grow and
35:54
Speaker 1: things like that, that I think can also be helpful
35:58
Speaker 1: as opposed to thinking about, like, you know, by this age,
36:02
Speaker 1: this needs to happen. And I love what you said
36:03
Speaker 1: about tying it to your son's goals, like that's that's
36:07
Speaker 1: where the buy and that's for the motivation, and a
36:11
Speaker 1: lot of our kids need a lot of evidence, right,
36:14
Speaker 1: so he might need to be thinking about this multiple
36:17
Speaker 1: times until finally it's like, yeah, I think I'm gonna
36:20
Speaker 1: like take a step so that I can kind of
36:23
Speaker 1: move a little bit closer knowing that that's what my
36:26
Speaker 1: goal is. But yeah, I think just us being a
36:30
Speaker 1: little less kind of rigid about what that looks like
36:33
Speaker 1: also gives our kids more freedom potentially to figure it out.
36:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that doesn't just come from us though, And
36:41
Speaker 2: that's where we personally have struggled. Is there still getting
36:44
Speaker 2: the message like in school that they should be independent
36:49
Speaker 2: at eighteen?
36:49
Speaker 1: Yeah?
36:50
Speaker 2: And so you know, my kids are both at home
36:53
Speaker 2: twenty seven, twenty three, and my older child is beating
36:59
Speaker 2: themselves up on a daily basis about it, no matter
37:03
Speaker 2: how okay we are. I love having her at home. Like,
37:07
Speaker 2: I am not disappointed in her. I do not have
37:11
Speaker 2: a problem. I understand that if housing was affordable in
37:16
Speaker 2: our area, she would be doing it. That there's you know,
37:20
Speaker 2: there's a legitimate thing that's holding her back, but she
37:24
Speaker 2: is having a really hard time with accepting that it's okay,
37:30
Speaker 2: with not attaching a whole bunch of negative meaning to it.
37:34
Speaker 2: I just wanted to add that because we can make
37:36
Speaker 2: that shift, and we have, and then still they're getting
37:40
Speaker 2: other messaging that it's still this antiquated expectation that doesn't
37:45
Speaker 2: work in today's world. Yep.
37:47
Speaker 1: Yeah.
37:48
Speaker 2: I want to make sure that we talk about risk
37:51
Speaker 2: before we close, because this is a big one. I
37:53
Speaker 2: know I get tons of questions about it. I'm sure
37:56
Speaker 2: you do too. How do we mitigate all of these
38:00
Speaker 2: risk factors? I was just thinking about this last night. Actually,
38:04
Speaker 2: I was listening to a podcast called Narcos about the
38:10
Speaker 2: cocaine coming into the country in the seventies and eighties,
38:14
Speaker 2: and it had me thinking about how many more dangers
38:18
Speaker 2: there are now, extreme dangers than there were in even
38:24
Speaker 2: the eighties. And it can make a parent super super scared.
38:29
Speaker 2: I hate who it can be super anxious. How do
38:32
Speaker 2: we help them protect themselves?
38:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I think this also looks so different
38:38
Speaker 1: depending on who your kid is and how kind of
38:42
Speaker 1: where they are in terms of their desire to experience things. Right.
38:46
Speaker 1: So we have some probably parents who have kids who
38:50
Speaker 1: are kind of very like type A or what it,
38:52
Speaker 1: you know, very kind of rule followers by the book,
38:54
Speaker 1: and then we've got the kids who are like massive
38:57
Speaker 1: risk takers and like very impulse control. I mean, I
39:01
Speaker 1: think the way that we've navigated stuff, we've definitely had conversations,
39:06
Speaker 1: like important conversations about drinking. You know. I really love
39:11
Speaker 1: jess Leahy's book The Addiction Inoculation. I think she has
39:14
Speaker 1: really good guidance in there for talking about alcohol and
39:16
Speaker 1: drug use in a way that's very like matter of
39:19
Speaker 1: fact and like here are the facts, and here's what
39:21
Speaker 1: I want you to know, and here's what the risks are.
39:24
Speaker 1: So we've had some kind of explicit conversations about alcohol
39:28
Speaker 1: and drug use, and you know, we've obviously talked about
39:33
Speaker 1: you know, had the sex talk and all that kind
39:35
Speaker 1: of stuff. And I know that the sex talk isn't
39:37
Speaker 1: one talk, but you know, we've talked about those things.
39:41
Speaker 1: What I have found is that the best strategy for
39:45
Speaker 1: us has been surrounding like a news event, like something
39:49
Speaker 1: will happen in the world, or I'll be reading an
39:52
Speaker 1: article and it I'll be like, ooh, my kid is
39:56
Speaker 1: endlessly curious about everything and like interested, say in so
40:00
Speaker 1: many things. So I could be like, I was reading
40:03
Speaker 1: this article the other day about and I can whatever
40:05
Speaker 1: it is, and it'll open up this huge window for
40:09
Speaker 1: like a really nuanced, interesting conversation. So and within that
40:13
Speaker 1: I will insert all the little things that I want
40:16
Speaker 1: my kid to know in the kind of in disguised
40:19
Speaker 1: it's just like just very exploratory, open conversation about something.
40:23
Speaker 1: So that's been a really good strategy for me to
40:26
Speaker 1: talk about things that have been really hard for me
40:31
Speaker 1: to bring up, So kind of anchoring it in with
40:34
Speaker 1: a news story has been a big thing. And then
40:38
Speaker 1: also just knowing that there are some conversations that I
40:42
Speaker 1: have wanted to avoid because they felt too difficult to have,
40:46
Speaker 1: and I just like some of them. I'm like, Debbie,
40:48
Speaker 1: you just got to go there. It's too important to
40:50
Speaker 1: not have this conversation. And I will say that to
40:53
Speaker 1: my child. Listen, I know this is awkward, but I
40:57
Speaker 1: love you too much to not talk about this because
40:59
Speaker 1: it's really important, you know, So I just need to
41:03
Speaker 1: share this with you, or I just it's really important
41:06
Speaker 1: that we kind of talk about this, and we don't
41:09
Speaker 1: have to talk about it all now, but I want
41:10
Speaker 1: you to know this is something that I'm concerned about
41:12
Speaker 1: or something I'm thinking about. So I will just kind
41:15
Speaker 1: of like get my brave on and dive into that
41:19
Speaker 1: hard conversation and then look for windows of opportunity to
41:24
Speaker 1: continue to like check in on those things, right, and
41:27
Speaker 1: see if I can kind of continue the discussion, which
41:32
Speaker 1: my kid usually wants to end pretty quickly, but I
41:34
Speaker 1: will always be looking for little windows to go back
41:37
Speaker 1: in and follow up and check in.
41:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, planting seeds again. Yeah, you've talked about planting seeds
41:43
Speaker 2: a couple of times now, I've noticed, and yeah, I
41:46
Speaker 2: think that's a that's a good theme, yeah, for what
41:50
Speaker 2: we're doing ye as parents of young adults planning a
41:54
Speaker 2: lot of seeds. I made a lot of mistakes in
41:57
Speaker 2: this area and took a lot of risks as teenager
42:01
Speaker 2: and through college. I know now it was self medicating
42:06
Speaker 2: for social anxiety, but I didn't even know social anxiety
42:12
Speaker 2: was a thing. I just thought that, you know, I
42:15
Speaker 2: had a lot going on in my head in a
42:18
Speaker 2: lot of fears, and so yeah, I wanted to fit in.
42:22
Speaker 2: I wanted to be accepted. It was a strong, strong desire,
42:26
Speaker 2: like a core nervous system need to not be judged
42:31
Speaker 2: and to be accepted. And so I was doing whatever
42:33
Speaker 2: everybody else was doing because I thought that's what I
42:36
Speaker 2: needed to do, right And then, you know, it really
42:39
Speaker 2: did tampen down the anxiety, and so I continued to
42:42
Speaker 2: do it for a few years. And part of the
42:46
Speaker 2: reason that I sort of dove headfirst into that was
42:51
Speaker 2: because I was raised in a strict household, in a
42:55
Speaker 2: Christian household where all of these things are forbidden. And
43:01
Speaker 2: so I told myself as an adult, I was not
43:04
Speaker 2: going to forbid anything with my kids, because I didn't
43:08
Speaker 2: want to push them toward the thing that I feared them,
43:12
Speaker 2: you know, trying out. And so it's been a very
43:16
Speaker 2: different conversation in my house than it was for me
43:19
Speaker 2: as a kid growing up, and I feel like it's
43:23
Speaker 2: worked well for us. There's an understanding about moderation. There's
43:28
Speaker 2: an understanding about self medicating. You know, we've talked a
43:31
Speaker 2: lot about self medicating because it is a risk factor
43:35
Speaker 2: for neurodivergent individuals. And you know, I've just been really
43:41
Speaker 2: human and really open with my kids. Look, this is
43:46
Speaker 2: what I was doing, and I was doing it for
43:50
Speaker 2: reasons that weren't good reasons. They felt like good reasons, right,
43:54
Speaker 2: but with hindsight, they were not good reasons. They were
43:56
Speaker 2: not things that I should have been doing. They were very,
44:00
Speaker 2: very risky. And I think they've really appreciated the fact
44:06
Speaker 2: that I was very open and honest about my own
44:10
Speaker 2: experiences and it doesn't really have a lot of pressure
44:15
Speaker 2: behind it in that way, when we're just sharing a story,
44:19
Speaker 2: it feels different. It's received different than if I'm saying
44:24
Speaker 2: our goal is that do not try drugs, right, Like,
44:27
Speaker 2: it's just different. Yeah, Yeah, I think we all come
44:30
Speaker 2: into these things with some of our own experience, some
44:34
Speaker 2: of like being in our own head as we've been
44:37
Speaker 2: talking about today, and knowing what to do, our own
44:41
Speaker 2: fears for our kids. All these things create this complex
44:47
Speaker 2: pool that we're trying to learn how to swim.
44:50
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think to like, you know, I had
44:53
Speaker 1: a similar upbringing as you did, where everything was you know,
44:58
Speaker 1: forbidden it so of course I did everything that I
45:00
Speaker 1: could and so definitely wanted to do that differently as well.
45:05
Speaker 1: And I just want to add to that, Like doctor
45:07
Speaker 1: John Duffy would say that, you know, like a lot
45:10
Speaker 1: of parents are concerned that they're going to introduce an
45:14
Speaker 1: idea if they talk about something, or they don't want
45:16
Speaker 1: to again to plant seeds in their kids' head about
45:19
Speaker 1: doing certain things. And he would say, oh, no, they
45:22
Speaker 1: already know all the things, and you really want them
45:25
Speaker 1: to get the information from you as opposed to from
45:28
Speaker 1: their friends, right, And they want to know that they
45:30
Speaker 1: can come to you to talk about any of this
45:32
Speaker 1: stuff and that you're not going to judge them and
45:34
Speaker 1: you're just going to be curious and open and human
45:37
Speaker 1: and so you know, sharing your own experience and just
45:40
Speaker 1: kind of like holding space so that they do feel
45:43
Speaker 1: safe to explore this stuff with you and know they're
45:46
Speaker 1: not going to get in trouble or know that they
45:47
Speaker 1: can rely on you to be a source of good information.
45:50
Speaker 1: I think is the relationship that we want to have
45:53
Speaker 1: with them.
45:53
Speaker 2: Yeah. Absolutely, Yeah, we're out of time, Debbie. We could
45:58
Speaker 2: talk about young adults just forever and ever.
46:02
Speaker 1: I know we really could just keep talking.
46:04
Speaker 2: So this was part four of our series that crosses
46:09
Speaker 2: over both podcasts. So Part one and part three are
46:14
Speaker 2: on Debi's podcast Full Tilt Parenting. Parts two and four
46:19
Speaker 2: are here on Beautifully Complex. I know that both of
46:23
Speaker 2: us in the show notes will have all of the
46:25
Speaker 2: episodes linked for you, so it's really easy if you
46:28
Speaker 2: want to go all the way back to part one
46:29
Speaker 2: if you haven't listened to those yet, or to get
46:32
Speaker 2: parts three and four here. Any words of wisdom or
46:38
Speaker 2: kindness that you want to leave parents with after this conversation.
46:45
Speaker 1: I really just want to encourage listeners to be kind
46:48
Speaker 1: to themselves. This is really hard. Parenting a young adult
46:52
Speaker 1: and neurodivergent young adult is really difficult. It will test
46:56
Speaker 1: you in the ways you weren't probably anticipating. It is
47:00
Speaker 1: a wonderful time to really double down on taking care
47:04
Speaker 1: of yourself, and that can feel uncomfortable, like we're kind
47:08
Speaker 1: of you know, when we are breaking away from being
47:12
Speaker 1: so en meshed with our kid. That can feel almost like,
47:15
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, this is wrong. I should be more involved.
47:18
Speaker 1: But really it's the most compassionate thing you could do
47:20
Speaker 1: for yourself and for your child. So give yourself permission
47:23
Speaker 1: to really prioritize your own joy, your own peace. That
47:29
Speaker 1: is going to benefit the whole dynamic more than really
47:32
Speaker 1: anything else that you can do.
47:34
Speaker 2: Thank you for saying that. I needed to hear that today.
47:38
Speaker 2: I needed to hear this reminder that we do need
47:43
Speaker 2: to take care of ourselves. There's just this void right
47:47
Speaker 2: now for me between being so involved and doing all
47:51
Speaker 2: of the things and now they're mostly self sufficient, and
47:57
Speaker 2: there's this void in between. U's been really hard for
48:01
Speaker 2: me to navigate that. And I'm still in the pattern
48:05
Speaker 2: it's not necessarily of actually doing everything for them, but
48:09
Speaker 2: like putting myself on the back burner as though I
48:12
Speaker 2: was still there. Yeah, and it's been really hard, and
48:16
Speaker 2: I've been trying and working with my therapist and trying
48:20
Speaker 2: really hard to start really taking care of myself again
48:24
Speaker 2: in the way that I really should have been doing
48:25
Speaker 2: all along, but now like I have the time and
48:28
Speaker 2: space and I have to branch out and take up
48:32
Speaker 2: some of that time and space for myself, and it's
48:33
Speaker 2: okay to do that. So okay, thanks Debbie, You're so welcome. Yeah,
48:38
Speaker 2: thank you.
48:39
Speaker 1: Such a good conversation.
48:40
Speaker 2: I always, yeah, I always feel so much better about
48:44
Speaker 2: what I'm going through, and I get to talk to
48:46
Speaker 2: you who's on somewhat of a parallel journey, so I
48:50
Speaker 2: totally appreciate it. The show notes for everybody listening aren't
48:53
Speaker 2: PARENTINGADHD and autism dot com. Make sure you check out
48:57
Speaker 2: all the other three parts of this series, and I
49:01
Speaker 2: will see everyone next time. Take good care by everybody.
49:06
Speaker 2: I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and
49:10
Speaker 2: you don't have to do it alone. If you found
49:12
Speaker 2: this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it
49:16
Speaker 2: and leave a quick review so others can find this
49:18
Speaker 2: support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated
49:23
Speaker 2: Kids Project is here with the tools, coaching, and community
49:27
Speaker 2: to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get
49:31
Speaker 2: more info at regulated kids dot com