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347. Advice you Didn't Know you Needed · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:00
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful bans, and welcome to the episode of today.
0:04
Speaker 1: So in today's episode, I decided that I would do
0:07
Speaker 1: this is different to a head noise. It is a
0:10
Speaker 1: question episode, but it is an advice episode. This is
0:13
Speaker 1: the advice that you didn't know you needed. These are
0:16
Speaker 1: rapid fire questions where I give you my advice. And
0:21
Speaker 1: there's many reasons why I thought I really wanted to
0:23
Speaker 1: do an episode like this. So one of the reasons
0:26
Speaker 1: is because I was recently listening to an episode that
0:29
Speaker 1: I did where I was interviewed on my friends podcast,
0:32
Speaker 1: and I really loved the format where I get asked
0:34
Speaker 1: these questions that I haven't really prepped or prepared. Because
0:38
Speaker 1: when I do my podcast, I obviously prep the episode.
0:42
Speaker 2: There's planning to it. I don't script it, but I
0:44
Speaker 2: have my dot points down and there's like an element
0:47
Speaker 2: of planning to it.
0:48
Speaker 1: But what I really like about the interview podcast when
0:51
Speaker 1: I get asked questions is that it gets me answering
0:54
Speaker 1: questions that I maybe haven't thought about.
0:55
Speaker 2: For a little bit, or topics that I haven't really
0:57
Speaker 2: doved into for a while.
0:58
Speaker 1: And I really loved that format, So I thought, why
1:01
Speaker 1: not bring that into this episode.
1:04
Speaker 2: A couple of weeks back, I didn't kind of like ask.
1:07
Speaker 1: Me anything on my Instagram page, just on my personal Instagram,
1:11
Speaker 1: and so many great questions came through and I answered
1:13
Speaker 1: heapes on my Instagram stories, but there were so many
1:16
Speaker 1: that were unanswered, and some of them the reason I
1:18
Speaker 1: didn't answer it is because I was thinking, maybe I
1:21
Speaker 1: can answer.
1:21
Speaker 2: This later on the podcast.
1:22
Speaker 1: So here we are and I was talking to Shanaya
1:25
Speaker 1: and I was like, I feel like this is a
1:27
Speaker 1: whole episode that we could do, Like I don't know,
1:30
Speaker 1: It's my way of like chatting to you guys in
1:33
Speaker 1: a more personal way. So I'm really pumped for this episode.
1:36
Speaker 1: There's a lot of questions that I get through. The
1:39
Speaker 1: difference between the Head Noise episode is that I delve
1:42
Speaker 1: deeper into a story and I give more personalized advice
1:46
Speaker 1: based on these situations.
1:47
Speaker 2: This is a lot broader.
1:48
Speaker 1: Some of the questions are quite deep, some of the
1:50
Speaker 1: questions are really relaxed and casual. So that is what
1:55
Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about today, and I really
1:57
Speaker 1: hope that most of you will be able to like
2:00
Speaker 1: pull out of this episode what is relevant for you.
2:04
Speaker 1: We're talking about things about obviously there's stuff about dealing
2:07
Speaker 1: with painful people in your life. We're talking about what
2:09
Speaker 1: to do when you don't know what you're doing with
2:11
Speaker 1: your life, what to do when you're overwhelmed, when you're feeling.
2:14
Speaker 2: Flat, how to deal with man explainers.
2:17
Speaker 1: There's all sorts of things that we're going to be
2:19
Speaker 1: talking about, so I reckon we can kind of get
2:22
Speaker 1: into it.
2:23
Speaker 2: I was going to do a bit of a life update,
2:26
Speaker 2: but there's.
2:27
Speaker 1: Not much to say, oh other than I'm really really
2:30
Speaker 1: I had the best weekend. I went to Annabe. If
2:32
Speaker 1: you guys haven't been to Annabe, if you live in
2:33
Speaker 1: New South Wales, highly recommend you go to Annabe. My
2:36
Speaker 1: auntie and uncle have a holiday home there and I
2:38
Speaker 1: went for the weekend. Took Habib. The beach is off
2:42
Speaker 1: leash before nine am. Barubi beach is the name of
2:46
Speaker 1: the beach. We just had a ball. It was really
2:48
Speaker 1: really nice to just sit and do puzzles and cook
2:50
Speaker 1: and eat and talk and just the best. And if
2:55
Speaker 1: you want like a life reset, just go to Annabey
2:58
Speaker 1: and reset your life. Although I fucking pros to death
3:01
Speaker 1: there but it was divine.
3:04
Speaker 2: Anyway, we're gonna get straight into the episode of today.
3:06
Speaker 1: I don't have a brain fact for you because I
3:08
Speaker 1: want to get through as many pieces of advice or
3:12
Speaker 1: just answers in general as possible. Okay, the first question
3:17
Speaker 1: is I want to study neuroscience, but I am thirty five.
3:21
Speaker 2: Do you think it's too late to start? Is it feasible? Okay? Firstly,
3:26
Speaker 2: definitely not too late to start.
3:29
Speaker 1: There are so many things you can do with just
3:31
Speaker 1: an undergrad and if you want to go ahead and
3:32
Speaker 1: do your postgrad research.
3:34
Speaker 2: Or study, you can.
3:36
Speaker 1: Also, it's still not too late to enter a workforce
3:39
Speaker 1: that you were passionate about.
3:41
Speaker 2: By the time you get through.
3:42
Speaker 1: With it, you'll probably be, you know, forty early forties,
3:45
Speaker 1: you will be still so hungry and fresh and excited
3:48
Speaker 1: and young. Better to enter a workforce after studying the
3:53
Speaker 1: years that you need to study feeling excited and pumped
3:58
Speaker 1: and fresh and really care and happy at forty, then
4:02
Speaker 1: feeling flat and over it and like, oh my god,
4:05
Speaker 1: I've got decades of this shit ahead of me at
4:09
Speaker 1: twenty five. Okay, So I don't think it's ever too
4:11
Speaker 1: late if you have the means to be able to
4:13
Speaker 1: be studying at thirty five and support yourself one hundred
4:18
Speaker 1: percent do it. There's no question in my mind that
4:21
Speaker 1: I think you should be doing it. And of course
4:23
Speaker 1: it's feasible so many industries. You know, it's not really
4:27
Speaker 1: about age, It's about what do you have to bring
4:29
Speaker 1: to the table. What can you bring to the table,
4:31
Speaker 1: What idea is, what passion?
4:33
Speaker 2: What energy?
4:34
Speaker 1: More energy or footwork, that kind of stuff. Okay, next question,
4:38
Speaker 1: how would you deal if you are stuck living with
4:42
Speaker 1: a family member who bullies you, but you have to
4:45
Speaker 1: deal with them just to keep a roof over the
4:47
Speaker 1: head over your head? I think, Okay, look, I'm going
4:50
Speaker 1: to presume you're in a situation where you absolutely cannot leave,
4:53
Speaker 1: because obviously the obvious answer is to remove yourself from
4:56
Speaker 1: that situation.
4:57
Speaker 2: And blah blah blah blah blah.
5:00
Speaker 1: So if you're with somebody that bullies you, I don't
5:02
Speaker 1: know the details of the bullying, but always remind yourself
5:06
Speaker 1: less is more when it comes to dealing with people
5:10
Speaker 1: that bully you, that emotionally manipulate you, that try and
5:13
Speaker 1: you know, like force you to do things, twist your
5:16
Speaker 1: arm into doing things, make you feel guilty.
5:17
Speaker 2: Use emotional blackmail are a narcissist.
5:20
Speaker 1: All these people, the best way to deal with them
5:23
Speaker 1: is less is more.
5:25
Speaker 2: Don't engage when they're trying to get you to engage.
5:28
Speaker 1: Look at what they see as bait and look at
5:31
Speaker 1: how often they're trying to bait you. A bully wants
5:34
Speaker 1: a reaction, And the reason they want a reaction is
5:37
Speaker 1: because bullies operate on power. That is how they get
5:41
Speaker 1: their fix. The moment they feel empowered or powerful. In
5:46
Speaker 1: that moment, they're satisfied. Okay, If they get no sense
5:50
Speaker 1: of power repeatedly from that person, they will move on
5:54
Speaker 1: to the next target. This is how bullies operate. This
5:56
Speaker 1: is how narcissists operate. They want power. How do they
5:59
Speaker 1: get power? It varies from person to person, So you
6:02
Speaker 1: have to find a pattern in their behavior.
6:05
Speaker 2: What are they doing that makes them feel satisfied? Is
6:08
Speaker 2: it when I snap?
6:10
Speaker 1: Is it when they're able to control me and get
6:12
Speaker 1: me to do things for them? Is it when I
6:14
Speaker 1: have an emotional reaction and cry. Is it when they
6:17
Speaker 1: get me to apologize because they've made me feel bad
6:19
Speaker 1: about something. Is it when they put me down and
6:22
Speaker 1: then I have to play little and so then I
6:25
Speaker 1: panned it to their needs? What is their poison of choice?
6:29
Speaker 1: And when you can identify it based on a pattern
6:32
Speaker 1: of their behavior, Because everyone's got a pattern of behavior,
6:35
Speaker 1: unless they're absolutely everyone's got a pattern of behavior. Identify
6:38
Speaker 1: that pattern. Look at what kind of bait are they
6:41
Speaker 1: laying down? Is it that they're trying to get me
6:43
Speaker 1: to feel bad? Is it that they're trying to stir me?
6:46
Speaker 1: Is it that they try to argue on something that
6:47
Speaker 1: they know I'm passionate about and then.
6:49
Speaker 2: They get me to crack? What is it?
6:52
Speaker 1: Is it that they try and like hide things from
6:54
Speaker 1: me or move things around the house just to infuriate me.
6:56
Speaker 1: What do they want? What kind of reaction do they
6:59
Speaker 1: want from men? Identify that kind of reaction. Then you
7:02
Speaker 1: can decide, Okay, how can I not give into that
7:06
Speaker 1: reaction in front of this person? How can I make
7:10
Speaker 1: it look like this I'm unaffected by it, or I
7:13
Speaker 1: can And I'm referring to if you this particular scenario,
7:16
Speaker 1: normally I'd be like leave, I would remove myself from
7:19
Speaker 1: that situation.
7:19
Speaker 2: I wouldn't deal with it.
7:20
Speaker 1: But if you can't leave, then identify the behavior. Identify
7:24
Speaker 1: what it is that they want from me, and what
7:26
Speaker 1: is the bait that they're laying down. What is the
7:28
Speaker 1: way that they're trying to get that reaction from me?
7:31
Speaker 1: Then you're going to It's so much easier once you
7:33
Speaker 1: can see it coming a mile away, because then you
7:35
Speaker 1: can prep yourself to be a lot more relaxed.
7:37
Speaker 2: To not react the first few times is going to
7:40
Speaker 2: be really difficult.
7:40
Speaker 1: But a bully does not operate well. When they're not
7:43
Speaker 1: getting the desired reaction that they want. They will move
7:46
Speaker 1: on to the next target. They cannot be bothered if
7:48
Speaker 1: you are boring to them as far as getting what
7:52
Speaker 1: they want, they move on. Okay, not straight away, especially
7:56
Speaker 1: when they've had a pattern of success with you before
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Speaker 1: and they're able to manipulate you and it makes them
8:01
Speaker 1: feel more powerful and in control.
8:03
Speaker 2: They love to control.
8:04
Speaker 1: Once you've done it a few times, they're like, oh,
8:06
Speaker 1: this is really fucking annoying and really fucking difficult.
8:09
Speaker 2: Less, there's more, less, theres more.
8:10
Speaker 1: Do not give into the bait, do not give into
8:13
Speaker 1: what they like, the reaction that they want, and then
8:16
Speaker 1: they will move on next one. How to heal from
8:20
Speaker 1: the person who betrayed you whilst still living with them
8:24
Speaker 1: for the kids. So I think the way I would
8:30
Speaker 1: look at a situation. Let's say that I was with Tyrone,
8:32
Speaker 1: we had kids, and then he betrayed me, and we
8:35
Speaker 1: decided to stay together for whatever period of time.
8:37
Speaker 2: For the sake of the children.
8:39
Speaker 1: I would Number one, you start to feel a lot
8:44
Speaker 1: happier within yourself when you can take back control of
8:47
Speaker 1: the direction of your life. When you feel betrayed, it
8:49
Speaker 1: feels like the rug has been ripped out underneath you.
8:52
Speaker 1: You feel powerless in that situation, and it's very along
8:56
Speaker 1: alongside the emotional pain that.
8:58
Speaker 2: You feel because you've been let down by somebody that
9:00
Speaker 2: you loved. So what are ways that you can take
9:03
Speaker 2: back your power and feel like you're in charge of
9:06
Speaker 2: the direction of where your life is headed.
9:07
Speaker 1: You could look at your situation as more of an
9:09
Speaker 1: empowered situation. You can kind of look at at your
9:12
Speaker 1: situation being like, I'm in this situation by choice. I'm
9:15
Speaker 1: in this situation because I want this dynamic at the
9:20
Speaker 1: moment for where we are at in our lives. For example,
9:23
Speaker 1: I've got a good friend of mine who went through
9:26
Speaker 1: a divorce and she the kids. She's got two young kids,
9:30
Speaker 1: and they really struggled initially because she was like I've
9:32
Speaker 1: got to get out of this fucking household.
9:34
Speaker 2: I've got to leave.
9:35
Speaker 1: So she left with the kids, but the kids were
9:36
Speaker 1: really struggling because there was quite it was quite a
9:40
Speaker 1: tense situation. It was very tense the relationship with her
9:42
Speaker 1: and the father, and it wasn't going down well. So
9:45
Speaker 1: then what what they ended up deciding is until the
9:48
Speaker 1: kids kind of mind you. This is very different for
9:50
Speaker 1: every person has a different situation, so I'm talking about
9:52
Speaker 1: a specific situation. They moved back in together until the
9:56
Speaker 1: kids were able to feel that there was love all
9:58
Speaker 1: around them and they were comfortable and they were happy
10:01
Speaker 1: at school again, because they were really unhappy at school.
10:03
Speaker 2: So they moved in together.
10:04
Speaker 1: But my friend looked at this returning as this is
10:08
Speaker 1: a short term b I'm in control of the situation now. See,
10:12
Speaker 1: I'm very much in control with how I treat my ex.
10:16
Speaker 1: And she actually was able to not only get the
10:19
Speaker 1: kids to a point where they're really happy, but she
10:21
Speaker 1: herself was able to be like, I never want to
10:23
Speaker 1: be with you again with her ex because he had
10:25
Speaker 1: heard her, I never want to be with you again.
10:27
Speaker 1: But I'm noticing that we can really form a great
10:30
Speaker 1: team as parents. So then they genuinely formed a friendship
10:34
Speaker 1: to the extent that he wanted her back, and she's like, no,
10:36
Speaker 1: thank you very much, love you so much as the
10:38
Speaker 1: father of my children, but not interested. And then the
10:41
Speaker 1: kids saw this great relationship that they had that when
10:45
Speaker 1: she moved out again, the kids were perfectly fine. So
10:48
Speaker 1: what I mean is she took back control of her situation,
10:51
Speaker 1: and she turned that situation around in a way that
10:53
Speaker 1: empowered her, and she became so empowered and so in
10:56
Speaker 1: control of what she was doing that when it turned
10:58
Speaker 1: around where he's like, I'm so sorry, I want you back,
11:00
Speaker 1: She's like no, and I'm not even saying no to
11:02
Speaker 1: punish you.
11:03
Speaker 2: I've just moved on.
11:04
Speaker 1: I feel really good. I'm feeling excited about my future.
11:06
Speaker 1: I feel fucking good. Okay, So, hopefully that maybe gave
11:09
Speaker 1: you some insight into maybe how you can turn it
11:13
Speaker 1: around so it works for you. How do you deal
11:15
Speaker 1: with man'splainers is the next question. Ah, there's so many
11:21
Speaker 1: ways that you can deal with man's plainers. It depends
11:23
Speaker 1: on the scenario and the situation obviously, because there's many
11:26
Speaker 1: different situations.
11:27
Speaker 2: But basically, for those of you playing at home, that
11:29
Speaker 2: haven't heard of this term.
11:30
Speaker 1: Man's plaining is where a man comes in and tries
11:33
Speaker 1: to explain something that you already know or in a
11:37
Speaker 1: way that's slightly different to how you just explained it,
11:40
Speaker 1: because they don't think that you're gonna be able to
11:42
Speaker 1: explain it because you're a woman. Now, this is very
11:44
Speaker 1: different to you genuinely not knowing something and a man
11:48
Speaker 1: explaining it to you. That's not man's plaining.
11:49
Speaker 2: That's just two people.
11:51
Speaker 1: One not knowing something, one knowing something, and the person
11:53
Speaker 1: that knows that explaining it.
11:54
Speaker 2: So let's be clear on man's plaining is when you.
11:57
Speaker 1: Don't need something explained to you, but it's being explain
12:00
Speaker 1: to you because they are a man and you are
12:01
Speaker 1: a woman, and they think that you don't get it,
12:03
Speaker 1: so they now have to explain it to the group
12:05
Speaker 1: or to you. Okay, So when someone is man's plaining,
12:10
Speaker 1: I personally would So there's a million ways.
12:16
Speaker 2: There's a million ways you can go about it.
12:17
Speaker 1: So when someone's man's plaining, I would either look at
12:19
Speaker 1: them and say are you done? And then I would
12:24
Speaker 1: continue exactly what I was saying. Right, I would say
12:29
Speaker 1: thank you for sharing your thoughts. Can I continue, I
12:33
Speaker 1: would just stare at them. I would There's a million
12:36
Speaker 1: ways that you can do it. I've got a whole
12:38
Speaker 1: thing on how to deal with unsolicited interruptions and comments.
12:42
Speaker 1: I would personally, once they finished explaining, I would never
12:45
Speaker 1: interrupt them. Never interrupt a man's plainer. Let them go
12:48
Speaker 1: on and do what they need to do, because I'm
12:50
Speaker 1: not here to battle with somebody. I'm not going to
12:52
Speaker 1: stoop down to this ridiculous I'm cutting you off and
12:55
Speaker 1: you're cutting me off. So if they're going to cut
12:56
Speaker 1: me off, go for gold. I don't need to fight
12:59
Speaker 1: to be heard, especially by you. And then when they finish,
13:04
Speaker 1: I would say, thank you for that unnecessary interruption.
13:08
Speaker 2: May I continue? Okay? You want to, if possible, make
13:13
Speaker 2: them know.
13:14
Speaker 1: That what they did was completely unnecessary and make them
13:17
Speaker 1: feel a little bit awkward about it, okay, because ideally
13:21
Speaker 1: you want them to not do it repeatedly. Now, if
13:25
Speaker 1: it's somebody that you don't want to be absolutely pulling
13:28
Speaker 1: them up and doing that stuff, and they've gone in
13:30
Speaker 1: and man'splained, I just completely stopped talking all together. I
13:32
Speaker 1: stopped talking all together. And then they finish saying what
13:35
Speaker 1: they need to say. And they're waiting for your reaction
13:37
Speaker 1: and I'm just not talking, and then they'll probably ask
13:39
Speaker 1: and say, oh, well, sorry, I'm sorry for interrupting. Continue
13:42
Speaker 1: or they say whatever, And then I would then say,
13:46
Speaker 1: you seem to want to explain it.
13:48
Speaker 2: You seem to need to explain it. That's perfectly fine.
13:51
Speaker 1: Like I just don't give them anything, and I won't
13:53
Speaker 1: continue the conversation. And I would just like be like
13:56
Speaker 1: the ball has fallen on the ground, this has fallen flat.
13:58
Speaker 1: I'm not going to continue this conversation if you're going
14:00
Speaker 1: to completely cut me off to tell me how you
14:03
Speaker 1: would do it, or like, especially in front of a group, Okay,
14:06
Speaker 1: that's what I would do next one. I'm struggling to
14:08
Speaker 1: get over this scarcity mindset after a breakup with a
14:11
Speaker 1: good guy. Okay, this is a really really really good
14:15
Speaker 1: question or whatever statement.
14:18
Speaker 2: Because instead of looking at.
14:20
Speaker 1: It as wow, I'm not going to ever get that
14:24
Speaker 1: again because I've had it and now it's gone.
14:26
Speaker 2: It's really easy to have.
14:27
Speaker 1: That scarcity mindset, especially in the early stages of entering
14:30
Speaker 1: the dating scene again, where you might have some a
14:34
Speaker 1: few experiences where you're like, oh, everyone I've met as
14:36
Speaker 1: a dud or you know, the people that are reaching
14:39
Speaker 1: out to me, it's just not my vibe at all,
14:41
Speaker 1: or I'm getting played or I'm getting ghosted. So it's
14:44
Speaker 1: easy to feel that way. But what you want to
14:46
Speaker 1: do is you want to remind yourself off. And what
14:48
Speaker 1: I do is I want to find examples of what
14:52
Speaker 1: it is that I'm looking for as often as possible.
14:55
Speaker 1: So if I'm trying to enter the dating scene and
14:58
Speaker 1: all my focus and awareness is on the people that
15:01
Speaker 1: have stood me up, or the people that are ghosting me,
15:03
Speaker 1: or the people that are message on a dating app
15:05
Speaker 1: and then don't message me back, and then I'm going
15:07
Speaker 1: to start to feel like there's no good guys out there.
15:10
Speaker 1: All the good guys are taken. Notice the language that
15:12
Speaker 1: you have. All the good guys are taken. There's nothing out.
15:14
Speaker 2: There for me.
15:15
Speaker 1: They're all, you know, either taken or divorced or with
15:17
Speaker 1: baggage around. Or you can turn it around and say,
15:21
Speaker 1: while it didn't work out with my ex, there's a
15:23
Speaker 1: prime example that I am, you know, capable of having
15:27
Speaker 1: such a healthy, good relationship with a good guy like that.
15:30
Speaker 1: You know I was deserving of that relationship, and therefore
15:34
Speaker 1: I had that relationship.
15:35
Speaker 2: The same thing.
15:36
Speaker 1: You can look at other people who have great you know,
15:38
Speaker 1: I look at my friends and their partners, say, there's
15:41
Speaker 1: a great example of a healthy relationship.
15:42
Speaker 2: There's another one. There's another one, there's another one.
15:44
Speaker 1: I look at the relationships in my family, and then
15:46
Speaker 1: before you know it, you're mentioning so many good people,
15:49
Speaker 1: so many good guys or good people that are in
15:54
Speaker 1: your awareness, and then you start to think, wow, they
15:56
Speaker 1: really are everywhere. It's not that rare to find a
15:59
Speaker 1: great person. It's just takes a little bit longer to
16:02
Speaker 1: find a great match. Okay, And that just takes a
16:05
Speaker 1: little bit of time, and it's not gonna be forever.
16:08
Speaker 1: It's just a bit of a numbers game. I'm just
16:09
Speaker 1: gonna meet some people and we either match or we don't.
16:12
Speaker 1: So then you start changing your opinion around what is
16:16
Speaker 1: available for you. And I can guarantee you just by
16:20
Speaker 1: changing that way of thinking, the way you interact with
16:24
Speaker 1: people changes. The way people interact with you changes, because
16:28
Speaker 1: if you have this abundance mindset of there are good
16:31
Speaker 1: people out there, I am trusting that they are good
16:33
Speaker 1: people out there. I feel comfortable, I feel relaxed, I
16:36
Speaker 1: don't feel desperate to try and track down all the
16:38
Speaker 1: good ones or where are they? People are attracted to
16:41
Speaker 1: that energy, and then you will meet more of the
16:44
Speaker 1: right people. They feel that energy, You reciprocate that energy,
16:47
Speaker 1: and it's a lot easier to feel comfortable in dating.
16:51
Speaker 1: And then you don't look at it as so personal
16:52
Speaker 1: either you look at it it's like are we a
16:55
Speaker 1: good match or not?
16:56
Speaker 2: You don't start dating being like are they gonna like me?
16:59
Speaker 1: Am I gonna like that? Are we gonna mesh well?
17:02
Speaker 1: And that's a really good way. I find a feeling
17:05
Speaker 1: a lot more relaxed. When I was in this scarcity
17:08
Speaker 1: mindset after I'd been heartbroken, the multiple times I had
17:11
Speaker 1: been in my twenties, I would go through this jaded phase,
17:15
Speaker 1: this like jaded, like damaged goods phase where I was like,
17:20
Speaker 1: I don't know, I was like rubbing off.
17:23
Speaker 2: I feel like I.
17:23
Speaker 1: Brought this really negative energy when it came to relationships
17:26
Speaker 1: to the table, even when just talking to my friends
17:28
Speaker 1: about it. Only when I changed how I felt about relationships,
17:31
Speaker 1: where I felt that I was really ready for it,
17:33
Speaker 1: that it was.
17:34
Speaker 2: Such a beautiful thing to have, that there.
17:35
Speaker 1: Were actually really good people around did things start to
17:37
Speaker 1: turn around for me? And was I attracting a lot
17:40
Speaker 1: more good people into my life and not just romantically
17:43
Speaker 1: but just in general.
17:44
Speaker 2: And then that's of course, then soon after I then
17:47
Speaker 2: started dating Tyrone.
17:48
Speaker 1: Okay, next one, what is your advice for someone who
17:52
Speaker 1: feels like they have more potential and want more from life?
17:56
Speaker 2: Okay, this is such a good position to be in.
17:59
Speaker 1: If you do you feel that you have more potential
18:02
Speaker 1: and that you want more in life, that is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.
18:06
Speaker 1: We want to be here, we want to know what
18:08
Speaker 1: to do with it. But I just want to let
18:10
Speaker 1: you know that when, if, and when you feel that way,
18:12
Speaker 1: celebrate it because it means that there's a part of
18:15
Speaker 1: you that is very ready, very ready for the next step,
18:19
Speaker 1: for more growth, for more change, for learning, and also
18:24
Speaker 1: for discomfort. When you know that you there's more, you're
18:27
Speaker 1: willing to then step up to the table to experience more.
18:30
Speaker 2: The opposite of that is sitting in your arss being like, oh, yeah,
18:33
Speaker 2: well I could.
18:34
Speaker 1: Do more, but nothing's really cold, I don't know, and
18:35
Speaker 1: nothing's you know, just kind of being a bit complacent
18:38
Speaker 1: and not really thinking that there's anything better on the
18:40
Speaker 1: other side of you know that difficult. So what I
18:42
Speaker 1: would do if I were you, if you feel that
18:45
Speaker 1: you have more potential and that you want more from life,
18:47
Speaker 1: is start to get more more specific on what is
18:49
Speaker 1: it that you value and how can you extract more from.
18:52
Speaker 2: That thing that you value.
18:53
Speaker 1: So, for example, I value learning, okay, great, I value
18:57
Speaker 1: learning that's good. Do I want to study at UNI
19:00
Speaker 1: again university? Do I want to do a short course?
19:02
Speaker 1: Do I want to learn something that's totally random? But
19:05
Speaker 1: I can really challenge myself, like something more of a hobby.
19:08
Speaker 1: And when you start doing that, you start to unlock
19:10
Speaker 1: a lot of your potential and you realize, wow, if
19:12
Speaker 1: I were to stick this one thing out, I could
19:14
Speaker 1: get really fucking good at it. Whether it's a physical skill,
19:17
Speaker 1: a sport, something that you're learning academically, it doesn't matter.
19:20
Speaker 1: But you're starting to untap all this potential and you
19:23
Speaker 1: start realizing, wow, only when I focus my energies on
19:27
Speaker 1: one thing repeatedly, is that potential worth anything? Because we
19:31
Speaker 1: all have potential, but potential that is undirected is useless.
19:37
Speaker 1: Potential that is directed and repeated and consistent, and that
19:41
Speaker 1: and you know where you're putting in your energy, where
19:43
Speaker 1: you're putting in your time that is extremely useful, and
19:46
Speaker 1: that is where you grow, adapt, change, evolve into that
19:49
Speaker 1: next version of yourself. So everyone has potential, but potential
19:54
Speaker 1: on its own gives you nothing.
19:56
Speaker 2: So what are you going to do with that? And
19:59
Speaker 2: that is where you die rect your focus. Okay.
20:01
Speaker 1: The next thing that you could do is so other
20:04
Speaker 1: things that you value. You could be like, well, I
20:05
Speaker 1: really value time with people that I love. For me,
20:10
Speaker 1: it's just like get through the nine to five and
20:12
Speaker 1: then it's you know, the afternoons or the weekends. That's
20:14
Speaker 1: that's what I really value. Okay, So you value your relationships,
20:17
Speaker 1: you value connection. I can either look at can I
20:20
Speaker 1: start doing a weekly thing with this group of people
20:22
Speaker 1: where we really have a great time. Can we start
20:24
Speaker 1: doing weekly trivia things? Can we do rock climbing? What's
20:27
Speaker 1: a fortnite? Can we do a monthly adventure with the
20:29
Speaker 1: whole family? Like?
20:30
Speaker 2: What can I do that's really going to make me
20:33
Speaker 2: have something to.
20:34
Speaker 1: Really look forward to? I can kind of be the
20:36
Speaker 1: organizer of it. I can bring people together. People come
20:39
Speaker 1: to me because I am a great like I'm the
20:42
Speaker 1: glue that holds people together and I feel really fulfilled
20:45
Speaker 1: doing that. So notice that for you, it doesn't always
20:48
Speaker 1: have to be around career. It can be about anything
20:51
Speaker 1: that you really value that you can expand on. And
20:54
Speaker 1: if it is your career, then you want to ask yourself,
20:58
Speaker 1: does my career or can my career offer things that
21:04
Speaker 1: align with what I value? And it doesn't have to
21:08
Speaker 1: be your purpose, because there's a lot of people out
21:10
Speaker 1: there that have a great purpose, but it's not a
21:12
Speaker 1: purpose where they can make money, and you shouldn't have
21:14
Speaker 1: to feel that your purpose also has to make you money.
21:16
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is does it align with things
21:18
Speaker 1: that I value? Like if I'm social, am I getting
21:22
Speaker 1: my social battery fed? Or am I a social person?
21:24
Speaker 1: But I'm feeling really depressed because I'm sitting alone working
21:28
Speaker 1: from home every day and I feel like shit in
21:30
Speaker 1: the afternoon because it's not it doesn't align with my value. Okay,
21:34
Speaker 1: so that's not that has nothing to do with purpose,
21:37
Speaker 1: but it does align with your values. And then when
21:39
Speaker 1: you start really thinking, Okay, what I'm okay social, I
21:42
Speaker 1: want to be challenged, I want something different all the time,
21:44
Speaker 1: or I really like I like structure. I like monotony,
21:48
Speaker 1: I like the same, I like control.
21:51
Speaker 2: You know, every.
21:52
Speaker 1: Person is different, and thank fuck for that, because we've
21:55
Speaker 1: got so many different careers and opportunities in this world
21:58
Speaker 1: that everyone needs to feel.
21:59
Speaker 2: So it's a blessing that we're all different.
22:02
Speaker 1: So know what you value and know what you can
22:05
Speaker 1: do with what you value, and then once you understand
22:08
Speaker 1: what your value, then it's easy for you to be
22:10
Speaker 1: like I can be in this career. I can stay
22:11
Speaker 1: in this career, but I can maximize this, I can
22:14
Speaker 1: milk it. I can there's so many more things I
22:15
Speaker 1: could do within this industry. Or you can realize, Wow,
22:19
Speaker 1: the reason I feel so fucking flat is because no
22:20
Speaker 1: matter how hard I work at this, it doesn't align
22:23
Speaker 1: with my core values. Like I could work my ass off,
22:27
Speaker 1: but I still feel shit because I feel isolated, or
22:29
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm not going anywhere, I'm not growing
22:32
Speaker 1: or whatever it is. So that is what I would
22:35
Speaker 1: do if I were you, I'd look at it from
22:36
Speaker 1: two perspectives. Look at areas that you can grow in consistently,
22:39
Speaker 1: where you can funnel potential into, and also look at
22:42
Speaker 1: if what you're doing actually aligns with what you value
22:45
Speaker 1: and what you value is going to change for everyone.
22:47
Speaker 2: But the values come in all these all different ways.
22:51
Speaker 1: But get clear on what it is that you value
22:53
Speaker 1: and is that cropping up every single day in your
22:55
Speaker 1: life in what you do next? One, how do you
22:58
Speaker 1: deal with the blow to say esteem that rejection sometimes
23:02
Speaker 1: elicits Okay, rejection is one of those things that absolutely,
23:07
Speaker 1: initially it's gonna hurt. It's painful, it's abandonment at times,
23:11
Speaker 1: especially if you've been with that person and then they
23:13
Speaker 1: turn around and say no, I'm not interested, versus the
23:16
Speaker 1: rejection of when you reach out to someone that you
23:18
Speaker 1: like and then they say no straight up.
23:19
Speaker 2: So there's abandonment. There's a rejection.
23:21
Speaker 1: Of course, it's going to hurt because you put yourself
23:24
Speaker 1: out on the line and then you get rejected. But
23:28
Speaker 1: one of the best ways that I would deal with
23:30
Speaker 1: rejection is to although it is, although it feels personal,
23:36
Speaker 1: to try and flip it around and put yourself in
23:40
Speaker 1: the other person's position and to understand why you were rejected.
23:44
Speaker 1: What I mean by that is I look at my
23:47
Speaker 1: past where I have rejected people, and none of that
23:52
Speaker 1: rejection had to do with me thinking that that person
23:55
Speaker 1: wasn't good enough as a person, or that person was
23:58
Speaker 1: a dud. And if I thought that that and walked
24:00
Speaker 1: away feeling shit about themselves, I'd feel really sad.
24:05
Speaker 2: You know.
24:06
Speaker 1: Doesn't mean that i'd force myself to stay with him,
24:08
Speaker 1: because that's not what it's about. But I'd feel really
24:10
Speaker 1: sad that they would feel that way, because that would
24:12
Speaker 1: not be what I want at all. Most of the time,
24:15
Speaker 1: if not all of the time. Rejection comes down to
24:19
Speaker 1: does this work for me? It's not about punishing the
24:23
Speaker 1: individual or hurting the individual.
24:25
Speaker 2: It's about does it work for my life and for
24:28
Speaker 2: who I am.
24:29
Speaker 1: So when someone rejects you, it feels personal. It feels
24:32
Speaker 1: like you are not good enough for me. But you've
24:34
Speaker 1: got to look at it as do you fit in
24:37
Speaker 1: with my needs? And sometimes people's needs might be healthy
24:44
Speaker 1: needs or unhealthy needs. Sometimes people be like I need
24:49
Speaker 1: a codependent relationship, which ultimately is not healthy, but that's
24:52
Speaker 1: what they need, right or that's what they think that
24:54
Speaker 1: they need, so they're only going to gravitate to people
24:57
Speaker 1: like that. Sometimes people are going to need someone who's
25:00
Speaker 1: really depending on them. I want to be with someone
25:03
Speaker 1: who needs me, and that would never work for me
25:07
Speaker 1: because I never want to depend on somebody, so then
25:09
Speaker 1: it just wouldn't be a right match.
25:11
Speaker 2: Or I want someone who's really.
25:12
Speaker 1: Soft and affectionate, and it's all the softer sides of
25:15
Speaker 1: someone's energy.
25:17
Speaker 2: I don't want any hard, independent energy. So you could
25:19
Speaker 2: be the.
25:21
Speaker 1: You know, you could be the hardest working person who's
25:22
Speaker 1: got your shit together. You're the biggest catch, and someone
25:25
Speaker 1: just wants someone who depends on them all the time,
25:27
Speaker 1: you know, So do you align with that person's needs?
25:30
Speaker 1: And when you can look at it from that perspective,
25:32
Speaker 1: it becomes a whole lot easier to make it less
25:34
Speaker 1: about you and more about the alignment.
25:38
Speaker 2: I wish I had learned that lesson a long, long, long,
25:43
Speaker 2: long time ago.
25:44
Speaker 1: That is one lesson that I wish I learned from
25:46
Speaker 1: the beginning of time, because there's many lessons that you
25:48
Speaker 1: learn at the right time in your life. But God,
25:50
Speaker 1: this would have saved me so many tears thinking that
25:54
Speaker 1: there was a personal reason why I got rejected and
25:57
Speaker 1: I need to change, and then that might change that
25:59
Speaker 1: person's mind instead of being like I would never align
26:02
Speaker 1: with their needs. And it's not my job to convince
26:04
Speaker 1: that person because they're not doing this out of malice.
26:07
Speaker 1: They're not doing it because they don't think'm good enough.
26:09
Speaker 1: They're doing it because I'm not aligning with their needs.
26:12
Speaker 1: It's got nothing to do with me as an individual.
26:14
Speaker 1: It's got to do with what they need. It's got
26:16
Speaker 1: to do with them.
26:17
Speaker 2: It's the whole. It's not you, it's me. That's a thing.
26:19
Speaker 2: It really is not you, it is me.
26:21
Speaker 1: That is genuinely what almost almost all breakups are about.
26:27
Speaker 1: Not all sometimes it is the toxic person or someone else,
26:30
Speaker 1: but a lot of the time it's about the individual's needs.
26:33
Speaker 2: This is a great question that I got.
26:34
Speaker 1: This next one, someone said, can you please share a
26:37
Speaker 1: few specific topics that you discuss.
26:40
Speaker 2: With your friends randomly? I think that's a really good question.
26:43
Speaker 1: I discuss everything with my friends, everything, I mean, within reason, Like,
26:50
Speaker 1: for example, I'm not someone that airs my dirty laundry
26:54
Speaker 1: with my romantic like, you know, if I've got a
26:57
Speaker 1: personal issue with tyrone and we are working through personally,
27:00
Speaker 1: I don't think it's fair to then tell every friend
27:03
Speaker 1: of mine, left, right and center what I'm going through,
27:06
Speaker 1: you know, Like, we respect the privacy of our relationship,
27:10
Speaker 1: but in general, we pretty much discuss everything. We talk
27:13
Speaker 1: about politics, We talk about current events that are occurring.
27:18
Speaker 1: We talk about the dynamic of our relationships versus other relationships.
27:23
Speaker 1: We talk about feminism, We talk about anything that is
27:28
Speaker 1: currently happening in the media landscape.
27:32
Speaker 2: We all kinds of topics.
27:33
Speaker 1: We talk about our feelings, We talk about menstrual cycles,
27:37
Speaker 1: we talk about obviously events that we've got coming up.
27:39
Speaker 1: Who's you know, obviously the ones in our group that
27:43
Speaker 1: are single, where you know, constantly getting updated on what's
27:45
Speaker 1: going on there. Some of our friends are now becoming mums,
27:48
Speaker 1: so we're talking a lot about that. So it's really
27:51
Speaker 1: it's a really well rounded kind of conversations that we
27:53
Speaker 1: have because we talk about personal things, we talk about relationships,
27:57
Speaker 1: but then we also talk about external things that are
27:59
Speaker 1: occurring in the world, like hot topics in the.
28:01
Speaker 2: World that we speak about. And I think that.
28:05
Speaker 1: Getting your friend's opinions on those big topics and why
28:09
Speaker 1: they feel that way.
28:10
Speaker 2: We can even disagree, which is really cool.
28:12
Speaker 1: I really enjoy talking to my friends when we're coming
28:16
Speaker 1: from two different angles, and I love hearing what they
28:18
Speaker 1: have to say, and then I talk about what I
28:20
Speaker 1: have to say, and then we look at it from
28:21
Speaker 1: two different angles and we're like, that's really cool. I
28:23
Speaker 1: wouldn't have seen it in that way, or vice versa.
28:26
Speaker 1: The more you talk about topics that you disagree with
28:28
Speaker 1: in a healthy environment, the more you get to know
28:32
Speaker 1: the people around you, and the better you become at
28:35
Speaker 1: debating and having conversation.
28:37
Speaker 2: I really really do enjoy when.
28:40
Speaker 1: It's respectful talking about opposing opinions on certain topics. I
28:44
Speaker 1: think it's like, really enjoyable. I think a lot of
28:47
Speaker 1: people they attach their identity to their opinion, so when
28:51
Speaker 1: someone disagrees with their opinion, they feel that they're being
28:53
Speaker 1: personally attacked. But if you don't attach your identity to
28:57
Speaker 1: your opinion, then it becomes really fun to be able
29:01
Speaker 1: to discuss certain topics and hear it from other perspectives, and.
29:05
Speaker 2: It really broadens.
29:08
Speaker 1: Your awareness of what is out there and what is around.
29:11
Speaker 1: I think that if we all looked at politics in
29:13
Speaker 1: that way, the world would be a lot more of
29:16
Speaker 1: a peaceful place. If you didn't so heavily align your
29:19
Speaker 1: personality with a political party, but if you just thought,
29:21
Speaker 1: I can just look at what's there and agree with
29:24
Speaker 1: certain things and disagree with certain things.
29:26
Speaker 2: I can look at who I voted for and think, well,
29:28
Speaker 2: now I don't agree with that anymore, and I actually
29:31
Speaker 2: agree with that.
29:31
Speaker 1: You know, like be more fluid with what you believe
29:34
Speaker 1: and allow yourself to open your mind to other ideas
29:39
Speaker 1: and other perspectives. So I think that when you have
29:45
Speaker 1: a group of close friends who are respectful, talk about
29:47
Speaker 1: things that you disagree on, and it makes you closer.
29:50
Speaker 1: Someone said, I'm studying pharmacy, but I'm struggling to remember
29:54
Speaker 1: all the information. Do you have any tips? So I've
29:57
Speaker 1: got a couple of tips. One of the tips is
30:00
Speaker 1: change your location when you are studying. There's there's a
30:05
Speaker 1: few studies that have come out that say that when
30:08
Speaker 1: you go to a different location to study, your awareness
30:11
Speaker 1: is slightly heightened because you are in a new environment,
30:14
Speaker 1: and because you're also trying to block out mild distractions
30:19
Speaker 1: like being in a cafe at a restaurant, it actually
30:21
Speaker 1: helps you zone into that thing a little bit more.
30:23
Speaker 2: If you're in a place with zero zero zero zero
30:26
Speaker 2: zero distractions, like in.
30:27
Speaker 1: A quiet home, you might get too relaxed and too
30:30
Speaker 1: like blase about it and not retain the information as easily.
30:33
Speaker 2: Another thing that I've.
30:34
Speaker 1: Noticed is if I listen to a podcast, for example,
30:39
Speaker 1: when I'm at home, I won't retain the stuff that
30:43
Speaker 1: I've heard, versus if I go for a walk and
30:45
Speaker 1: I'm listening to that podcast. And sometimes when I go
30:48
Speaker 1: for a walk not listening to that podcast, I'll remember
30:51
Speaker 1: specific things that were said in the podcast when I
30:53
Speaker 1: turn down the street at the time that that sentence
30:57
Speaker 1: was being said. So this is how memory a fleetes work.
31:01
Speaker 1: They link imagery with words, or with numbers, or with
31:06
Speaker 1: whatever it is that they're trying to remember. I'm not
31:08
Speaker 1: a gun at memory being a memory athlete, but there
31:12
Speaker 1: is on Netflix, the Netflix Explained, and there's one on
31:15
Speaker 1: memory and they do this whole thing about memory athletes.
31:17
Speaker 1: It's really interesting, so check it out or just YouTube
31:20
Speaker 1: memory athletes. But what they do is if they need
31:22
Speaker 1: to remember a whole sequence of numbers or an entire
31:25
Speaker 1: shuffled deck of cards just flipped out, so they're able
31:29
Speaker 1: to remember the sequence of a whole fifty two deck
31:31
Speaker 1: of cards shuffled, what they do is they put the
31:33
Speaker 1: imagery in their mind of that card at a location
31:38
Speaker 1: of like a suburb that they know really well, and
31:40
Speaker 1: they imagine this imagery of them walking through that suburb
31:43
Speaker 1: and they're linking those images of the cards in sequence
31:46
Speaker 1: to where they are, so you'll be able to really
31:49
Speaker 1: you'll be able to find ways of linking terminology with
31:51
Speaker 1: pharmacology and trying to put meaning behind each word. One
31:55
Speaker 1: of the best lecturers at my university, she was unbelievable
32:00
Speaker 1: and I retained to the most information from her lectures.
32:02
Speaker 2: She did pharmacology.
32:03
Speaker 1: She would always in her lectures link imagery with terminology, always,
32:10
Speaker 1: and she'd always make it really funny. And the way
32:13
Speaker 1: she would bring in like clips or cartoons or memes
32:17
Speaker 1: to make you remember pharmacology, it stays in your mind forever.
32:21
Speaker 1: So linking imagery, linking stories to what you're learning, even
32:25
Speaker 1: if it seems unrelated, will help you consolidate the information
32:28
Speaker 1: better because you're adding emotion. The moment something is painted
32:32
Speaker 1: with emotion, you will remember it a lot easier than
32:35
Speaker 1: the other way around. And then, of course, sleep properly.
32:38
Speaker 1: Make sure you're get in quality sleep because memory gets
32:40
Speaker 1: consolidated from short term into mid and long term only
32:44
Speaker 1: when you sleep. Okay, next question, how to not blame
32:49
Speaker 1: yourself after someone cheated on you? How to not feel
32:52
Speaker 1: inadequate This is kind of similar to the rejection thing
32:56
Speaker 1: that I spoke about earlier. When someone cheats on you,
32:59
Speaker 1: it's their way of kind of rejecting you, but they
33:03
Speaker 1: don't really have the balls to do it to your face.
33:06
Speaker 1: So they're like, I'm not happy with with my dynamic
33:09
Speaker 1: right now, or I'm you know, or certain aspects of
33:12
Speaker 1: this dynamic, but I don't.
33:13
Speaker 2: Have the balls to talk about it.
33:15
Speaker 1: So what I'm going to do is I'm just going
33:17
Speaker 1: to go and you know, meet my needs behind your back.
33:21
Speaker 2: That's what an affair is.
33:22
Speaker 1: Whether it's an emotional affair, whether it's a physical affair,
33:24
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. And I believe that a lot of
33:27
Speaker 1: people would be a lot better off just not being monogamous.
33:31
Speaker 1: But I don't think it's fair that someone who's non
33:34
Speaker 1: monogamous wants to be in a monogamous relationship and just
33:37
Speaker 1: do it behind your back. That is fucked, Okay, just
33:40
Speaker 1: be non monogamous. How hard can it be just find
33:43
Speaker 1: someone who agrees with you on that? So I think
33:47
Speaker 1: for you look at it in the same way as
33:49
Speaker 1: the rejection thing, that again, it's got to do with
33:52
Speaker 1: them their problems, their needs, their inability to communicate the
33:55
Speaker 1: inability to tell you what they're lacking, or maybe they
33:59
Speaker 1: have tried to tell you and you've shut them down.
34:01
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe not, but ultimately you guys are not aligning
34:06
Speaker 1: with the needs in the relationship.
34:07
Speaker 2: Can that be mended, Absolutely it can.
34:10
Speaker 1: But if someone's cheated and then left, then that's very
34:13
Speaker 1: clear answer that their needs just weren't being met and
34:16
Speaker 1: they were not able to communicate with you. And honestly,
34:21
Speaker 1: that's sometimes a blessing because I've been cheated on in
34:24
Speaker 1: the past, and then when things broke up, you can
34:28
Speaker 1: look back, and initially it's really painful because you think,
34:31
Speaker 1: I'm hurt, Why did this not work?
34:33
Speaker 2: They've chosen someone over me, someone is better than me.
34:35
Speaker 1: But you've got to turn around and think instead of that,
34:38
Speaker 1: just think this person was unable to tell it to
34:40
Speaker 1: my face. But really it's just got to do with
34:43
Speaker 1: where their needs being met. And sometimes, like for me specifically,
34:48
Speaker 1: they were needy as fuck. They wanted to be basically
34:52
Speaker 1: like needed and wanted and they needed.
34:54
Speaker 2: This power and I couldn't provide that for them.
34:57
Speaker 1: So in hindsight, while I was so hurt and feeling
34:59
Speaker 1: like I' good enough, then I look back and be
35:01
Speaker 1: like no, no, no, no, no. We just didn't align at
35:03
Speaker 1: all because what I had to offer is not what
35:05
Speaker 1: he wanted. And I think that I've got a lot
35:06
Speaker 1: to offer, But there's going to be people like that
35:08
Speaker 1: that are like, no, I'm not remotely interested in that
35:12
Speaker 1: kind of energy. Okay, So that is the best way
35:14
Speaker 1: to not make it personal. Ideally they would have spoken
35:17
Speaker 1: to you about it. But if they don't, sucks. But
35:20
Speaker 1: that's just life. Next question, I found out that my
35:23
Speaker 1: ex was cheating for months and was in another relationship.
35:28
Speaker 2: Fuck, we've all been there, haven't we.
35:29
Speaker 1: Well, maybe not all of us, but yeah, How to
35:31
Speaker 1: stop feeling like she must be better like this new
35:34
Speaker 1: person I'm guessing must be better. How to stop feeling disgusted?
35:38
Speaker 1: And how to stop ruminating on messages? Okay, how to
35:42
Speaker 1: stop ruminating on messages when you break up with an ex.
35:46
Speaker 1: Delete the messages, Get rid of the messages, especially if
35:49
Speaker 1: it's on bad terms. Get rid off the messages, get
35:53
Speaker 1: unfollow them, block them, make them unfollow you like, remove
35:57
Speaker 1: them as a follower.
35:57
Speaker 2: You've got to go cold turkey. You have to go
36:00
Speaker 2: cold turkey.
36:02
Speaker 1: That is imperative and a lot of people think that
36:05
Speaker 1: it helps them because they're going insane thinking about it.
36:08
Speaker 1: I can guarantee you the moment you start digging and
36:11
Speaker 1: fueling yourself with new imagery, new information about this person,
36:14
Speaker 1: new questions to ask yourself, new things that you need
36:16
Speaker 1: to figure out and resolve, it's going to take you
36:19
Speaker 1: so much longer to get over. Okay, you need to
36:22
Speaker 1: distance yourself from your ex as much as possible. Now
36:25
Speaker 1: you are obviously comparing yourself to this person because you
36:29
Speaker 1: this person left you while they were with someone else.
36:32
Speaker 2: They you know, they were. You know, it's like the
36:34
Speaker 2: whole monkey swinging.
36:34
Speaker 1: They don't let go of one branch when they until
36:36
Speaker 1: they grab onto the next branch, and a lot of
36:38
Speaker 1: people do that in relationships, and that causes a lot
36:40
Speaker 1: of infidelity.
36:41
Speaker 2: It causes a lot of cheating when you've got that mentality.
36:43
Speaker 1: But again, just like the other questions that I just
36:46
Speaker 1: answered about, like rejection, all that it comes down to
36:49
Speaker 1: that of the reason you don't feel good enough is
36:51
Speaker 1: because you're feeling that they are saying you are not
36:53
Speaker 1: good enough, but they're not They're saying, my needs are
36:56
Speaker 1: not being mad. My needs are important, and I need
36:59
Speaker 1: to get my needs for that's what they're saying.
37:01
Speaker 2: Okay, so whether.
37:02
Speaker 1: You're epic or not, that's just how they're going to feel.
37:06
Speaker 1: But yeah, absolutely, God a cold turkey. If your best
37:09
Speaker 1: friend was going through a horrible breakup, would you be
37:12
Speaker 1: pulling up their ex's Instagram and being like.
37:14
Speaker 2: Oh my god, oh my god, look at what they're
37:17
Speaker 2: doing to it? No, so why the fuck do you
37:19
Speaker 2: do it?
37:20
Speaker 1: It sounds like a crazy idea when you would think
37:22
Speaker 1: about it doing that to your best friend, but we
37:24
Speaker 1: do it to ourselves all the time. Don't just stop? Okay,
37:29
Speaker 1: it's never beneficial. When have you ever stalked your ex and.
37:32
Speaker 2: Thought, oh, I feel really good?
37:35
Speaker 1: And the only time you do feel really good is
37:37
Speaker 1: if you stalk your ex and see that they've run
37:39
Speaker 1: into bad luck. And then the only reason you feel
37:41
Speaker 1: good is because you needed to pull someone below you
37:43
Speaker 1: in order for you to feel good. That is not
37:44
Speaker 1: a good way of feeling good about yourself. You should
37:47
Speaker 1: not have to feel good and the only reason you
37:49
Speaker 1: feel good is because you've seen someone get dragged down.
37:52
Speaker 1: You want to feel good on your own merit, and
37:54
Speaker 1: the only way you do that is by earning it,
37:56
Speaker 1: by focusing on yourself by working on yourself, not by
37:59
Speaker 1: watching other people and saying, oh, well, if they do shit,
38:01
Speaker 1: then haha, then I can finally feel good, because that's
38:04
Speaker 1: very short lived. That kind of good feeling very short lived.
38:06
Speaker 1: It's kind of that revenge good and that does not last.
38:09
Speaker 1: Next question, I've got just a couple more. What should
38:12
Speaker 1: emergency service workers be doing to help prevent long term effects?
38:17
Speaker 1: I'm guessing that we're talking about stress, possibly sleep, like
38:24
Speaker 1: lack of sleep. I mean, there's a lot of things
38:28
Speaker 1: that can be going on with emergency service workers. That's like,
38:30
Speaker 1: there's a lot that they have to do that you know,
38:33
Speaker 1: the general population probably never has to see your experience.
38:36
Speaker 1: My sister is an emergency service worker. She's a firefighter,
38:39
Speaker 1: and so I hear a lot about what she has.
38:41
Speaker 2: To go through.
38:43
Speaker 1: I think one of the most important things is number one,
38:47
Speaker 1: really pay attention to your how you are offloading the
38:53
Speaker 1: emotional load that you're getting at work. Do you have
38:56
Speaker 1: a support network at work? Do you have a therapist
38:58
Speaker 1: that you're talking to. Do you have really close group
39:01
Speaker 1: of friends that you can like bounce off, you know,
39:04
Speaker 1: stories that happen that you can really speak to, or
39:06
Speaker 1: do you feel like you're bottling things up.
39:08
Speaker 2: That's number one.
39:09
Speaker 1: You should feel that you can talk about these things.
39:11
Speaker 1: Talking about intense events that you've experienced and problems and
39:17
Speaker 1: emotions is one of the best ways to manage your
39:21
Speaker 1: emotions and to be at easy with your emotions. Bottling
39:24
Speaker 1: them up and holding it and not talking about it
39:27
Speaker 1: is what then causes issues later down the line in ten,
39:31
Speaker 1: twenty thirty years time. So make sure that number one,
39:33
Speaker 1: you've got a really healthy support network. Number two, pay
39:35
Speaker 1: attention to your sleep. When you can control your sleep.
39:38
Speaker 1: If you're someone that works shift work, then the times
39:42
Speaker 1: that you can sleep, you need to be working harder
39:45
Speaker 1: than the general population to get quality sleep because sleep
39:47
Speaker 1: is crucial, and studies have shown that shift workers have
39:51
Speaker 1: poorer health overall because of their fucked sleep patterns. Shift
39:57
Speaker 1: workers or you know, emergency service workers that work late
40:00
Speaker 1: night shifts and things like that. So when you are
40:02
Speaker 1: in control if you're sleep, you've got to make it
40:04
Speaker 1: as good as possible. You're making sure that you've got
40:06
Speaker 1: good sleep hygiene. Coming into the night, you're not on
40:09
Speaker 1: your devices, You've got you know, when you wake up,
40:11
Speaker 1: you're in the sunlight, all of these things, and I've
40:13
Speaker 1: got episodes and episodes around sleep health, so definitely go
40:16
Speaker 1: check that out.
40:17
Speaker 2: But your support network.
40:19
Speaker 1: Your sleep, and then make sure that you're overall paying
40:22
Speaker 1: attention to your physical health as well. If you're exercising,
40:25
Speaker 1: that's a really good way to help regulate your Cicadian rhythm,
40:27
Speaker 1: to help regulate your sleep, to help regulate your hormones,
40:29
Speaker 1: to make sure that you are exercising your body significantly
40:33
Speaker 1: if you are an emergency service worker, because that is
40:36
Speaker 1: very good not only for your mental health, but your
40:37
Speaker 1: physical health and your sleep health and your brain health
40:39
Speaker 1: and all those things.
40:40
Speaker 2: So that's just in a nutshell, what I would recommend.
40:43
Speaker 1: Next question when to know if you are sexually and
40:47
Speaker 1: intimately incompatible with someone. Okay, I think that you can
40:52
Speaker 1: pick up pretty quickly if there's incompatibility sexually, but I
40:56
Speaker 1: guess in the sense of like I'm not in the moment,
40:58
Speaker 1: I don't feel like I needs being met or vice versa.
41:02
Speaker 2: I don't feel like I can meet their needs.
41:05
Speaker 1: In your head about it, it doesn't feel like this
41:07
Speaker 1: free flowing whatever. And then your next question is is
41:10
Speaker 1: sexual compatibility enough to or yet incompatibility enough to warrant
41:18
Speaker 1: not being with this person. For some people that is
41:22
Speaker 1: one of the most important things in a relationship, and
41:25
Speaker 1: they have to be sexually compatible and if they're not,
41:27
Speaker 1: it's game over.
41:28
Speaker 2: And for other people.
41:29
Speaker 1: They're like, look, we're not completely compatible sexually. However I
41:34
Speaker 1: get all my needs met in this relationship. Everything else
41:38
Speaker 1: works and so for me, I'm able to have average
41:43
Speaker 1: compatibility sexually, but like epic compatibility in every other area,
41:48
Speaker 1: and for other people it's not so.
41:49
Speaker 2: I guess what you've got to ask yourself.
41:50
Speaker 1: Is you know pretty quickly when you're not compatible because
41:53
Speaker 1: of how you feel in the moment. It just feels clunky,
41:56
Speaker 1: doesn't feel right, You don't feel like you're lost in
41:58
Speaker 1: the moment, you don't feel like it's this you know,
42:01
Speaker 1: So then you have to ask yourself what am I
42:03
Speaker 1: going to do about it as far as the relationship
42:06
Speaker 1: with this person, Because if it's something that affects you
42:09
Speaker 1: constantly on a regular basis, then this is a discussion
42:12
Speaker 1: that you need to have with your partner.
42:14
Speaker 2: Now. It's either breaking up.
42:16
Speaker 1: It's either saying, you know, are we going to be
42:19
Speaker 1: more adventurous with our sex life and try something different?
42:22
Speaker 1: And whatever and see if we can take it to
42:23
Speaker 1: the next level. Is that are we going to go
42:26
Speaker 1: non magnogamous. Everyone is going to approach it from a
42:28
Speaker 1: different angle, but it is a conversation that needs to
42:30
Speaker 1: be had with your partner about genuinely how you're feeling.
42:32
Speaker 1: But it's going to be a two way conversation on
42:34
Speaker 1: how to end a friendship when you're just not interested
42:37
Speaker 1: in their energy any longer. I feel like if there's
42:41
Speaker 1: no actual drama or toxicity in that friendship, personally, I
42:46
Speaker 1: think you don't need to be like, I'm not going
42:48
Speaker 1: to be your friend anymore.
42:49
Speaker 2: I don't want to be your friend anymore.
42:51
Speaker 1: I think you just can start to gently phase out
42:55
Speaker 1: the friendship. If this person does not pick up on
42:58
Speaker 1: the fact that you're not giving an anything, You're not initiating,
43:01
Speaker 1: you're not inviting, you're not whatever.
43:03
Speaker 2: Then you can say something.
43:05
Speaker 1: You can go in and say, look, I feel like
43:07
Speaker 1: I am needing different things at the moment. I'm not
43:11
Speaker 1: aligning with you know, this friendship at the moment, So
43:14
Speaker 1: I'm just going to take some time out. But I
43:16
Speaker 1: think for the most part, people do pick up on
43:18
Speaker 1: the energy, and in my time when I've phased out
43:22
Speaker 1: friendships that it's never been a conversation. It's just we've
43:25
Speaker 1: we've just drifted apart, we've grown in different directions, and
43:28
Speaker 1: there's never been the need to be like, I don't
43:30
Speaker 1: want to be a friend anymore, because for the most part,
43:32
Speaker 1: it's not that I I can't handle this person that
43:35
Speaker 1: cannot be in my life.
43:35
Speaker 2: I just don't want to hang out with the one
43:37
Speaker 2: on one anymore because we've grown.
43:38
Speaker 1: Apart, and normally, in most cases, the other person will
43:41
Speaker 1: pick up on that relatively quickly. What is your why?
43:44
Speaker 1: Someone asks me, what my why is? I feel like
43:49
Speaker 1: I've got a few.
43:51
Speaker 2: One of them.
43:52
Speaker 1: My why with my work is to help people change
43:56
Speaker 1: their relationship with themselves.
43:58
Speaker 2: That is my clear, clear, clear, clear purpose.
44:00
Speaker 1: My why is to help people change their relationships with themselves.
44:04
Speaker 1: If I can do anything, it's to make someone feel
44:06
Speaker 1: that they can love themselves more, or to make someone
44:08
Speaker 1: feel that they are worth putting in the work for themselves,
44:11
Speaker 1: or that they don't need that other person, or that
44:13
Speaker 1: that breakup was the best thing that happened to them,
44:15
Speaker 1: not the worst thing that happened to them. All these
44:17
Speaker 1: things on how to get people passionate about their brain
44:19
Speaker 1: health because they're worth that. And then another one of
44:23
Speaker 1: my whys is to make the people around me feel
44:26
Speaker 1: that they loved.
44:27
Speaker 2: I really really value the people around me so much.
44:31
Speaker 1: Whenever possible, I want to go to every family event
44:34
Speaker 1: that I can go to like my you know, and
44:36
Speaker 1: really make my family know that I love them. So
44:39
Speaker 1: that's another big and you know, my friends and tyrone
44:42
Speaker 1: included in that, so they're probably my two whys and
44:46
Speaker 1: it's very fulfilling.
44:47
Speaker 2: I feel like when you know.
44:48
Speaker 1: Your why, especially like I like having a why that's
44:51
Speaker 1: not remotely related to money and income because then it's
44:56
Speaker 1: you can always fit into that and it's always really
44:58
Speaker 1: true to you and it doesn't get muddy up with
45:00
Speaker 1: the financial stress. Next question, how to properly communicate to
45:04
Speaker 1: someone that their selfish behavior is hurting you. I think
45:08
Speaker 1: that firstly, a conversation obviously has to be done, and
45:11
Speaker 1: you guys know me, I'm very big on if you
45:14
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable saying it face to face verbally, then writing
45:19
Speaker 1: it can be a lot easier and sometimes a much
45:22
Speaker 1: better way of getting your point across and getting your
45:23
Speaker 1: feelings across. But what I would say is when you're
45:27
Speaker 1: talking about how someone's hurting you, try your very best
45:30
Speaker 1: to isolate the behavior that is hurting you, and try
45:34
Speaker 1: not to say your selfish behavior, because if you want
45:38
Speaker 1: actual change from that person, if you want repair, then
45:43
Speaker 1: look at how it's coming across with how you're saying it.
45:45
Speaker 1: If you approach something in an open, warm, welcoming I'm
45:51
Speaker 1: welcoming a conversation or a discussion here, then people are
45:54
Speaker 1: more likely to want to listen, and they're way more
45:57
Speaker 1: likely to accept feedback. If you say you're being selfish
46:00
Speaker 1: and that selfish behavior hurts me, they're gonna shut off
46:03
Speaker 1: because they feel like they've just been attacked and just
46:05
Speaker 1: been called selfish. So what I would do is I
46:07
Speaker 1: would say, there's a certain behavior that you do that
46:10
Speaker 1: I don't know if you realize or not, but it
46:12
Speaker 1: really affects me.
46:12
Speaker 2: Is there a way that we could discuss this, because.
46:15
Speaker 1: You know, we're friends or wear whatever, and I want
46:17
Speaker 1: to be able to like have a good relationship, well,
46:19
Speaker 1: I want to be able.
46:19
Speaker 2: To get along. You know, I've noticed that when you
46:22
Speaker 2: do this thing, it has this effect on me. Have
46:25
Speaker 2: you noticed that yourself? Have you noticed a change in
46:27
Speaker 2: me when you do that? So then you flip the
46:29
Speaker 2: question back to them. You make it a conversation.
46:31
Speaker 1: If you try and initially berate them, they're gonna shut down,
46:35
Speaker 1: they're gonna get defensive, they're gonna get angry or shitty,
46:38
Speaker 1: or they go the other way. Okay, well that's fine.
46:41
Speaker 1: I'll never I'll never do that again. I'll never try
46:43
Speaker 1: and be nice to you again. I'll never joke around
46:45
Speaker 1: with you and get take it to the other extreme.
46:47
Speaker 1: So try and make it a warm conversation. If that
46:50
Speaker 1: then doesn't work, that's when you then just put boundaries
46:52
Speaker 1: into place. That's where you then have a parameter of
46:55
Speaker 1: being like, all right, I've tried to speak to you
46:57
Speaker 1: about this nicely. I understand that that didn't work for
47:00
Speaker 1: whatever reason. So next time you speak to me like that,
47:02
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna remove myself from the conversation. Or next
47:05
Speaker 1: time you do something like that, I'm going to remove myself.
47:07
Speaker 1: But if you're saying, oh, but Alexis, it's not about
47:09
Speaker 1: how they treat me, it's about just their behaviors in general, well,
47:11
Speaker 1: then you can't change someone's behavior. You either choose to
47:14
Speaker 1: have a relationship with someone where your morals aligned, or
47:18
Speaker 1: you don't. And if you're in a relationship with someone
47:20
Speaker 1: who where your morals don't align, but their actions annoy you,
47:23
Speaker 1: but they're not directly impacting you, there's nothing you can
47:26
Speaker 1: do about it. You either put up with it or
47:27
Speaker 1: you say, I cannot have this person in my life
47:29
Speaker 1: because it's so far alne from what I want. Okay,
47:32
Speaker 1: you can only do things around how people directly are
47:36
Speaker 1: impacting you. Someone said what motivates you to get up early?
47:41
Speaker 1: I spoke about this a lot, like at More around
47:46
Speaker 1: the start of when I started my podcast. But my
47:48
Speaker 1: mantra has always been, and I've got it on my
47:51
Speaker 1: merch as well, I've got on my beanies. My mantra
47:53
Speaker 1: has always been I live for this feeling. Well, not always,
47:56
Speaker 1: probably for the last five years. I live for this
47:58
Speaker 1: feeling when it's good good, and when it's bad, when
48:01
Speaker 1: it's difficult, when it's whatever. And I find that when
48:05
Speaker 1: I wake up in the morning, if I am a
48:09
Speaker 1: bit like, oh I want to stand better, I want
48:10
Speaker 1: to whatever, I remind myself of how fucking good it feels.
48:15
Speaker 1: When I've already done the first hour or two and
48:17
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I could have still been sleeping but
48:19
Speaker 1: I really maximize this morning and I was able to
48:21
Speaker 1: take the dog for a walk and do this and
48:22
Speaker 1: do that.
48:22
Speaker 2: I live for this feeling. I live for that.
48:25
Speaker 1: You know, when I'm doing something difficult and I'm able
48:27
Speaker 1: to overcome a challenge, I live for that. When I
48:29
Speaker 1: come across something that's a challenge and I don't know
48:32
Speaker 1: how I'm gonna get through it, I live for that
48:34
Speaker 1: feeling because I'm like, this is so cool, because eventually
48:38
Speaker 1: I will work this out. Eventually I will hit the deadline.
48:41
Speaker 1: Eventually I will I will put the puzzle pieces together.
48:44
Speaker 1: So I live for that feeling. Same as in a workout,
48:46
Speaker 1: when I'm about to collapse out of a position that
48:48
Speaker 1: I'm holding, I live for that feeling because that's when
48:51
Speaker 1: I can feel my blood pumping, that's when I can
48:52
Speaker 1: feel my lung.
48:53
Speaker 2: We're all going to be dead one day. We're going
48:54
Speaker 2: to be dead.
48:56
Speaker 1: So it's either living for that or what what else
49:00
Speaker 1: are you doing with your life? Okay, So that's what
49:01
Speaker 1: kind of motivates me in the morning. I don't leap
49:04
Speaker 1: out of bed every morning being like, oh my god,
49:06
Speaker 1: I feel it basing, but.
49:07
Speaker 2: I do remind myself as like this is what it's about.
49:09
Speaker 2: So let's go. Let's fucking go.
49:11
Speaker 1: And then it makes me feel more excited to then
49:14
Speaker 1: get back into bed that night because I'm like, oh,
49:17
Speaker 1: I've got like I love my bed so much, but
49:18
Speaker 1: I'm getting out of it and I've got something that
49:19
Speaker 1: I can return to that I love. But I also
49:21
Speaker 1: love my every day because one day we're not going
49:23
Speaker 1: to be able to get out of bed, which is
49:25
Speaker 1: going to be tragic.
49:27
Speaker 2: Trugy, Okay, two more questions. Fuck, this is a long episode.
49:32
Speaker 1: I've gone through so many. What is your current workout routine?
49:36
Speaker 1: So it's a bit sporadic at the moment. I change
49:38
Speaker 1: it up a lot, but I go to the gym
49:40
Speaker 1: in the mornings, so I walk the dog early, taking
49:43
Speaker 1: to the park to play. Then I go to the
49:45
Speaker 1: gym and I do weights, and I do so I
49:50
Speaker 1: do like lower body weights.
49:51
Speaker 2: I always just use free weights. I rarely, rarely, rarely,
49:54
Speaker 2: if ever.
49:54
Speaker 1: Use the machines in the gym. I love just dumb bells,
49:57
Speaker 1: bar bells. That's my jam. I also I do body
50:00
Speaker 1: weight workouts a lot, like pilarates, body weights, I do
50:03
Speaker 1: reformer pilates. I love to run, I do around At
50:06
Speaker 1: the moment, I'm only doing around two runs a week,
50:08
Speaker 1: but I ideally do three and then yoga love yoga again.
50:15
Speaker 1: I haven't done it in a couple of weeks because
50:16
Speaker 1: I put my membership on hold, but now it's back.
50:18
Speaker 2: I'm going to do it tonight. Love yoga, hot yoga
50:21
Speaker 2: if possible, And.
50:24
Speaker 1: Of course, part of my workout regime includes saunas, saunat
50:28
Speaker 1: saunaut sauna. If you're someone who has a sauna in
50:31
Speaker 1: your gym, go even just to sauna.
50:34
Speaker 2: The benefits that you will get, that your brain will get.
50:37
Speaker 1: If you're someone that's like, oh, I can't fathom a workout, fine,
50:41
Speaker 1: get to the gym, do a sauna and leave. It's
50:43
Speaker 1: so good for you if you can get your hands
50:46
Speaker 1: on a sauna. I'm talking about a dry sauna here,
50:48
Speaker 1: but infrared is also great as well, but just a dry,
50:51
Speaker 1: finished traditional sauna do it.
50:53
Speaker 2: So that's my current workout routine. Okay.
50:55
Speaker 1: Someone asked is knowing how to read people a gift
50:59
Speaker 1: or a curse? This is such a good question and
51:01
Speaker 1: my answer to that it is absolutely a gift. If
51:05
Speaker 1: you can genuinely read people, you can save yourself so
51:09
Speaker 1: much time like you will save yourself so much time
51:12
Speaker 1: in the way of you know, what is this person's intentions?
51:16
Speaker 1: How does this person value our relationship, our friendship?
51:20
Speaker 2: Do I feel like.
51:21
Speaker 1: This person has my best interest at heart? Is there
51:23
Speaker 1: a second agenda here? You know, you can see toxic
51:27
Speaker 1: people or narcissists coming a mile away. There's so much
51:30
Speaker 1: that you can get out of really knowing how to
51:33
Speaker 1: read somebody. I just don't think there's any downside. The
51:36
Speaker 1: only downside is that you can realize, well, it's not
51:39
Speaker 1: even a downside, But the only thing that you might
51:41
Speaker 1: be avoiding is that you might realize someone's negative traits
51:45
Speaker 1: early on, and then you think you're like, oh, I'd
51:49
Speaker 1: rather not know so I don't have to deal with
51:51
Speaker 1: the pain of them being an unhealthy person or at
51:53
Speaker 1: being an unhealthy relationship. But it is never a loss.
51:56
Speaker 1: It is always good to know where you stand with people.
51:58
Speaker 1: And if you can read people, you know where you
52:00
Speaker 1: stand with that person. I would that would be like
52:03
Speaker 1: a magic power that you could give to people if
52:05
Speaker 1: you could always read someone. So it's always a gift.
52:09
Speaker 1: If that is you, that's epic and use it to
52:11
Speaker 1: your advantage. Don't look at it as it not being
52:13
Speaker 1: a good thing because you can read when someone doesn't.
52:15
Speaker 2: Like you, that's a blessing.
52:17
Speaker 1: Okay, if someone doesn't like me, or if someone's just
52:18
Speaker 1: being polite, whatever, then I can then the powers in
52:21
Speaker 1: my hand and I can decide what to do about it.
52:23
Speaker 1: All right, guys, thank you so much for listening to
52:25
Speaker 1: today's episode. If you have any longer questions for the
52:29
Speaker 1: head noise and for all that kind of stuff, you
52:31
Speaker 1: can email info at dyfmpod dot com. We are going
52:35
Speaker 1: to start something very soon where people send in actual
52:39
Speaker 1: voice messages that get played out on the podcast. So
52:42
Speaker 1: your voice will be played out on the podcast, so
52:44
Speaker 1: it's like a phone call but not. That's going to
52:46
Speaker 1: be really cool, So I'll let you know when that
52:47
Speaker 1: is happening. And of course there's a little question box
52:50
Speaker 1: in at the website that you can submit your questions
52:52
Speaker 1: through as well.
52:53
Speaker 2: Guys, shout out to all my beans around the world.
52:55
Speaker 2: I love you so much. As always, remember be kind
52:57
Speaker 2: to yourself.
52:58
Speaker 1: Be kind to your brain, don't text it from anyone,
53:00
Speaker 1: and especially don't take shit from yourself.
53:02
Speaker 2: Don't it