Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / How to Trust Again When You Have Been Burnt (Headnoise)

Transcript

How to Trust Again When You Have Been Burnt (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, Welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:17
Speaker 1: Yes this is a head noise episode. Yes this is
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Speaker 1: a voice note episode where we hear you beautiful voices
0:23
Speaker 1: from locally and around the world. And yes, you guys
0:26
Speaker 1: have come through with great topic like titles. We've got
0:30
Speaker 1: intellectual conversations in a relationship, question two, how can I
0:33
Speaker 1: stay consistent without feeling overwhelmed? And question three moving forward
0:38
Speaker 1: and relearning to trust myself. So these are going to
0:40
Speaker 1: be great. We've got a nice array of topics that
0:43
Speaker 1: we can work through and talk about. And as usual
0:47
Speaker 1: being a head Noise episode, I just want to dive
0:49
Speaker 1: straight in with little to know life updates. So let's
0:53
Speaker 1: get into the first one.
0:55
Speaker 2: Hi, Alexis, first and foremost, just want to say I
0:59
Speaker 2: appreciate your podcasts so much. It has impacted not only
1:03
Speaker 2: my life, but the lives of so many people that
1:05
Speaker 2: I love. Me and all my best girlfriends listen to you,
1:08
Speaker 2: and one of my oldest best friends. We always when
1:10
Speaker 2: we need some tough love, we text each other like
1:12
Speaker 2: I need an Alexis moment. So it's been such a blessing.
1:16
Speaker 2: Also to witness your motherhood journey, and it's just been
1:19
Speaker 2: really inspiring to me as someone who's a little unsure
1:23
Speaker 2: if they want to have kids, so appreciate you. And
1:26
Speaker 2: into the question, I was wondering if intellectual chemistry is
1:30
Speaker 2: something that you can cultivate in a relationship. I have
1:34
Speaker 2: an amazing, amazing partner. We've been together for almost two
1:38
Speaker 2: years now, but we were friends before that as well,
1:42
Speaker 2: and sometimes I feel like this spark is kind of
1:44
Speaker 2: missing from our conversations and just like connecting on a
1:49
Speaker 2: mental level. And they're not a huge talker, so and
1:52
Speaker 2: I'm definitely a yapper, so there's that. But I'm also
1:55
Speaker 2: just wondering, like, am I not asking the right questions?
1:58
Speaker 2: I feel like I do ask them all questions. They
2:01
Speaker 2: are at the beginning of their kind of inner journey
2:05
Speaker 2: and like spiritual journey, I feel like, So I don't
2:07
Speaker 2: know if it's that, but I kind of am craving
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Speaker 2: this like flow in electricity that I feel like, I
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Speaker 2: worry is it just never gonna happen? Is that something
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Speaker 2: we could cultivate or is that an unrealistic expectation? So
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Speaker 2: I would just really love some insight on that.
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Speaker 1: Awesome Quoese, Firstly, thank you for everything you said at
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Speaker 1: the start, that was really really beautiful. And I love
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Speaker 1: that your friends and you message each other that that's
2:33
Speaker 1: fucking unreal and thank you that it's yeah, with the
2:37
Speaker 1: whole mothering journey and all of that. I really appreciate
2:39
Speaker 1: beautiful words. Great question. Is it possible? Yes? Yes, So
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Speaker 1: number one, it is possible absolutely to cultivate. You can
2:49
Speaker 1: have a lot of growth as an individual, especially saying
2:52
Speaker 1: that your partner's coming into this kind of new stage
2:55
Speaker 1: in their life where they're you know, going through all
2:57
Speaker 1: this like you know, personal spiritual changes and stuff, so
3:02
Speaker 1: I feel like there might be a lot of unraveling
3:05
Speaker 1: there for them as well. Number one. Of course, what
3:08
Speaker 1: has to be said, and you might have already done this,
3:11
Speaker 1: is you want to communicate across that that's what you're
3:13
Speaker 1: craving in the relationship. You might say, I know that
3:18
Speaker 1: you know that I know that you feel this way
3:20
Speaker 1: and that you love me and all these things. But
3:22
Speaker 1: what I crave in a relationship that I think would
3:25
Speaker 1: bring us even closer and make me feel even more
3:28
Speaker 1: connected to you and make me feel like I get
3:30
Speaker 1: you even more, is if we had these kinds of
3:33
Speaker 1: deeper conversations and I think, I know what you mean
3:35
Speaker 1: about deeper conversations. It's not just about hashing over the
3:39
Speaker 1: relationship and this and that. It's other topics, broader topics,
3:42
Speaker 1: like any topic, you know, Like sometimes you have these crazy,
3:48
Speaker 1: in depth deep conversations with your friends and then you think,
3:51
Speaker 1: I wish I was having that with my partner as well.
3:54
Speaker 1: And you don't have to, but it's nice to have
3:56
Speaker 1: a bit of it in your relationship, especially with the
3:58
Speaker 1: partner who might be some one who's like a person
4:00
Speaker 1: of not many words, okay, which seems like that's the
4:03
Speaker 1: case for you. So firstly you want to have that.
4:08
Speaker 1: You need to communicate your desire, where that comes from,
4:12
Speaker 1: and why it's important to you, okay, And you do
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Speaker 1: it in a way if this is what I would
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Speaker 1: love for us, this is what I would love us
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Speaker 1: to be able to do. You don't want it to
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Speaker 1: be I want you to do this.
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Speaker 3: You you.
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Speaker 1: It's the way you communicate this across determines if someone's
4:26
Speaker 1: going to feel comfortable and willing to at least explore
4:30
Speaker 1: and look into that, versus feeling like they've done something
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Speaker 1: wrong or they're being attacked or they're being criticized and
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Speaker 1: they bring the walls up. So very be very selective
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Speaker 1: about how you approach something that you're wanting to get
4:41
Speaker 1: out of your partner, especially if it's something quite positive,
4:44
Speaker 1: then you're gonna look into is your partner ever having
4:49
Speaker 1: these conversations with anyone? Because sometimes people fall into roles
4:54
Speaker 1: that they play where they're you know, person a few
4:59
Speaker 1: word it's in their relationship, but maybe with their sibling
5:02
Speaker 1: they're the ones that they can talk keeps to, or
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Speaker 1: maybe with their friends, like you know what I mean,
5:06
Speaker 1: there's certain people that are able to get something out
5:10
Speaker 1: of them that other people can't, or are they the
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Speaker 1: same person across the board with everyone? They just don't
5:16
Speaker 1: have these deep conversations. You know that they're really you know, important, caring,
5:21
Speaker 1: loving person, but it's all mainly through the actions, and
5:24
Speaker 1: you're not having these conversations. Okay, that's another thing you've
5:27
Speaker 1: got to ask, because if you are seeing this somewhere else,
5:29
Speaker 1: then that's obviously makes your life a whole lot easier
5:32
Speaker 1: because you know that it's in them to have these nice, deep,
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Speaker 1: you know, emotionally intellectual conversations, and then you think, well,
5:39
Speaker 1: I can be that person for you as well, it's
5:42
Speaker 1: not just this this category of sibling or friend or whatever.
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Speaker 1: And I want to start having these conversations regardless if
5:49
Speaker 1: your partner is open to it, if they say, you
5:51
Speaker 1: know what, it'd be awkward, it's a bit rusty. It's
5:55
Speaker 1: not really my thing. But if that's what you want,
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Speaker 1: I'd like to try. Then it sounds, it sounds it's
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Speaker 1: like it's too simplistic. But things that are conversation starters
6:03
Speaker 1: a really good way of getting people to open up
6:07
Speaker 1: without all the pressure being on you now have to
6:09
Speaker 1: tell me this, So you now have to like just
6:11
Speaker 1: just start getting them to open up about topics. And
6:13
Speaker 1: it doesn't even have to be insanely personal topics, but
6:16
Speaker 1: conversation starters. It could be you could just google them.
6:19
Speaker 1: You could find I mean, I've got a card game,
6:21
Speaker 1: but google it, you know, and it comes up with
6:23
Speaker 1: a whole bunch of questions to get to know someone better.
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Speaker 1: And it's not as if you don't know your partner,
6:28
Speaker 1: but it's sometimes it's a question that's been framed in
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Speaker 1: a way that really requires that individual to open up
6:35
Speaker 1: with a story behind it. It's not a yes or
6:36
Speaker 1: no answer, and that's a really good way of getting
6:39
Speaker 1: someone to just like you're warming them up to be
6:41
Speaker 1: comfortable to just express themselves. Okay, And the first few
6:45
Speaker 1: times I'd be clunky and awkward. And then the more
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Speaker 1: they do it, the more they realize that it's a
6:48
Speaker 1: safe space with you, the more they're going to be
6:50
Speaker 1: able to express themselves. It's a journey. It's a journey
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Speaker 1: of learning because they might have it all up here
6:54
Speaker 1: in their head. I know how I feel like and
6:57
Speaker 1: but communicating that across and talking about that is going
7:00
Speaker 1: to be difficult. So I think that's another really really
7:03
Speaker 1: really important thing to talk about. And then lastly, I
7:07
Speaker 1: want you to ask yourself, if my partner never came
7:12
Speaker 1: around to having these intellectual intellectual conversations emotionally intellectual conversations
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Speaker 1: with me, would that be enough for me? Can I
7:21
Speaker 1: get that bucket filled in my friendships alone? Because another
7:26
Speaker 1: thing that I think is important to note is that
7:29
Speaker 1: your partner can't be everyone and everything to you, as
7:34
Speaker 1: much as we'd love them to be. There might be
7:36
Speaker 1: the occasional like absolute unicorn out there, but in general,
7:39
Speaker 1: and it doesn't make them less than It doesn't make
7:41
Speaker 1: them that they're not enough or that they're not good enough,
7:43
Speaker 1: or it would be perfect if they're just human. Okay,
7:46
Speaker 1: so sometimes you might think, but you know what, they're
7:48
Speaker 1: just brilliant in every other aspect and there's such a legend.
7:52
Speaker 1: And maybe if I had more of these intellectually, you know,
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Speaker 1: in these emotional conversations outside of the relationship, I could
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Speaker 1: still feel like I have that part of my cup.
8:00
Speaker 1: Like for example, some people their partner is this monotonous
8:03
Speaker 1: I don't want to say boring, but like just monotonous
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Speaker 1: person in their life. But they're stable, secure, a legend.
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Speaker 1: They make you feel like really good in your own skin,
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Speaker 1: and then you have adventure with your friends, or adventure
8:13
Speaker 1: with your sister or event, you know what I mean,
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Speaker 1: Like you don't have to get everything ticked off the
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Speaker 1: box with your partner. So I want you to ask yourself,
8:21
Speaker 1: if they never were to change, is that enough for me?
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Speaker 1: And if the answer is no, then I think it
8:27
Speaker 1: will then maybe have a bit of a if you
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Speaker 1: think no, no, no, no, it's a non negotiable. I've come
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Speaker 1: this far in my life, I've done all this work,
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Speaker 1: and I really want my partner to meet me here.
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Speaker 1: If they don't meet me here, I still care for them,
8:37
Speaker 1: but I'm just going to resent them otherwise, So I
8:40
Speaker 1: need them to meet me here. So if that's the case,
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Speaker 1: I'm going to do everything I can to get them
8:44
Speaker 1: to open up, to get them to come to the table.
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Speaker 1: But it really has to be a desire on their
8:48
Speaker 1: end as well. I can just lead them to the water,
8:49
Speaker 1: I can't force them to drink. Are they going to
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Speaker 1: do it? And then if that's the case, then give
8:53
Speaker 1: yourself a healthy timeframe and then if you answer no,
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Speaker 1: they I need this in order to progress further. That's
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Speaker 1: what Then you ask yourself, Okay, well what does that
9:03
Speaker 1: look like then? Because I can't have a full one
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Speaker 1: to eighty change because people it takes time for people
9:08
Speaker 1: to change. So what would it need to look like
9:10
Speaker 1: in six months or in a year if I was
9:13
Speaker 1: to then revisit this and decide is this working for
9:15
Speaker 1: me or not? Okay, but you might also say, you
9:17
Speaker 1: know what, if I can get this from my friends
9:20
Speaker 1: and the partner that they continue to be, I'm still
9:23
Speaker 1: going to love them regardless. It's fine. I can get
9:25
Speaker 1: these needs met elsewhere. But I think all those questions,
9:27
Speaker 1: I think it's really important for you to understand where
9:30
Speaker 1: you sit in the relationship and how you can hopefully
9:33
Speaker 1: encourage them for change. But it requires a conversation one
9:35
Speaker 1: hundred percent. You can't just keep bringing up these deep
9:38
Speaker 1: conversations and they're like, why all of a sudden, every
9:40
Speaker 1: time we sit down for dinner, You're like, let's fucking
9:43
Speaker 1: talk about fucking and then you bring up this random topic.
9:46
Speaker 1: Definitely talk to them about it and see how they
9:48
Speaker 1: feel about it. See if they're open and willing, if
9:51
Speaker 1: do they feel awkward? Why do they feel awkward? All
9:52
Speaker 1: of the above. But that's a really good question. So
9:54
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Loved it? Loved it?
9:57
Speaker 4: Okay, Next high Alexis. I love the pod so much
10:02
Speaker 4: wisdom in it. I have the following issue. So basically,
10:07
Speaker 4: I struggle to turn my ideas and dreams into action.
10:11
Speaker 4: For years, I've wanted to start a small business and
10:14
Speaker 4: start content creation on social media. I do research and
10:18
Speaker 4: I feel excited when I'm mentally in a good place,
10:21
Speaker 4: but it doesn't last long. I'm never able to take
10:24
Speaker 4: the actual steps, and the main reason for that is
10:28
Speaker 4: when I see others online with similar ideas succeeding, I
10:32
Speaker 4: feel overwhelmed and intimidated, Like I'll never reach that level,
10:36
Speaker 4: and that they're already doing what I want on a
10:39
Speaker 4: perfect level. The amount of planning and steps I need
10:43
Speaker 4: to take feel so big that I end up doing
10:45
Speaker 4: nothing and feel even worse about myself in the end.
10:49
Speaker 4: And when I do manage to put in the first
10:51
Speaker 4: steps of what I'm trying to do, I also tend
10:54
Speaker 4: to give up really quickly if I don't see immediate
10:56
Speaker 4: positive results, which makes it incredibly hard to stay assistance,
11:00
Speaker 4: and I just give up on everything. So my question is,
11:04
Speaker 4: how can I start taking actual steps necessary and stay
11:08
Speaker 4: consistent without feeling overwhelmed or discouraged when I see others
11:13
Speaker 4: doing the thing I dream of? Thank you so much.
11:17
Speaker 1: Okay, the first thing I have a great question, obviously.
11:20
Speaker 1: The first thing that I would like to address is
11:22
Speaker 1: the idea of when people are doing something you feel
11:26
Speaker 1: discouraged and overwhelmed. Sometimes they might feel like maybe it's saturated.
11:30
Speaker 1: There's people are already doing it and they're doing it well,
11:32
Speaker 1: and here I am, as an oviser entering this field.
11:34
Speaker 1: How do we turn that? Because that's a really important
11:37
Speaker 1: thing to tackle that I'm going to tackle other things
11:38
Speaker 1: in a second, but that one's really important because your
11:41
Speaker 1: attitude coming into this is really going to determine the
11:44
Speaker 1: quality of the output. Because when you feel really good,
11:47
Speaker 1: when you feel really when you're backing yourself, you get
11:49
Speaker 1: into a really nice flow state, and the content and
11:52
Speaker 1: the quality of the work that you put out is
11:53
Speaker 1: going to be good. If you feel absolutely shit about yourself,
11:56
Speaker 1: you're doubting yourself, you're this, you're that, you're you're a
11:58
Speaker 1: bit not hereing all that. You know that the output's
12:01
Speaker 1: going to be shit. We all know it when we're
12:02
Speaker 1: in the worst headspace. We just know that we could
12:05
Speaker 1: have done better. So I want you to try and
12:07
Speaker 1: reframe that. When you see other people out there doing
12:11
Speaker 1: what you want to be doing similar ideas that you
12:14
Speaker 1: want to be executing and succeeding, you have to reframe that.
12:18
Speaker 1: There's a reframing that needs to occur. One of the
12:21
Speaker 1: things is this just proves that there's a market out
12:23
Speaker 1: there for what I want to do. This just proves
12:24
Speaker 1: it there is demand. That's great when a market is saturated.
12:27
Speaker 1: Instead of thinking, oh, everyone's doing it, I want to
12:30
Speaker 1: do it, but now everyone's doing it, instead you say
12:32
Speaker 1: that just proves there is demand. That just proves there
12:35
Speaker 1: is demand. The only way you're going to get good
12:37
Speaker 1: is by starting. You also have to come to You
12:40
Speaker 1: have to face the fact that at the start it's
12:44
Speaker 1: no way near as good as what you're going to
12:46
Speaker 1: be one year down the line. So you might as
12:48
Speaker 1: well start now because we want to hurry out that
12:51
Speaker 1: fucking year, because the longer you take to start, the
12:53
Speaker 1: longer it's going to take for you to get good.
12:55
Speaker 1: And it's a good thing that in a year your
12:57
Speaker 1: work is going to be better than what it is now.
12:59
Speaker 1: There is no way in hell or in heaven or
13:02
Speaker 1: whatever entity or whatever in this planet. I'm not even religious,
13:05
Speaker 1: but there you go that you can get better without
13:08
Speaker 1: actual practice on the job. Okay, as much as we
13:12
Speaker 1: want to start and our work be absolutely perfect, it
13:16
Speaker 1: can't be because how can you perfect something without trial
13:19
Speaker 1: and error, without knowing what works, without learning from our mistakes.
13:22
Speaker 1: So it takes it requires us getting better and better
13:25
Speaker 1: and better at it. Okay, that's where your fear is.
13:28
Speaker 1: You're thinking, there are people out there already doing what
13:30
Speaker 1: I want to do, but doing it well, and I
13:33
Speaker 1: need to go through the novice stages and then you know,
13:35
Speaker 1: so then you're blocking yourself. That's where you start to
13:37
Speaker 1: cock block yourself. You shut yourself down being like it's
13:40
Speaker 1: going to be a shit I might as well not
13:41
Speaker 1: bother every single person that you're looking at comparing that's
13:45
Speaker 1: making you feel shit about it because you're framing it
13:48
Speaker 1: in that way where you feel bad about it. It
13:50
Speaker 1: was exactly where you are right now. Maybe they didn't
13:52
Speaker 1: doubt themselves, but their initial content wasn't the best in
13:55
Speaker 1: the world. Was good enough, but it wasn't amazing. And
13:58
Speaker 1: the reason that where there are right now is because
14:00
Speaker 1: they've learned from their errors, They've done some tweaking, some changing,
14:04
Speaker 1: and now not only are they doing it that probably
14:06
Speaker 1: can do it quite like efficiently as well, and they
14:09
Speaker 1: can charge good money for it, and they're quite comfortable
14:11
Speaker 1: and confident in their own abilities. The only way you
14:14
Speaker 1: can become confident in your own abilities is through a
14:16
Speaker 1: body of evidence. That's what confidence is. Confidence is a
14:19
Speaker 1: body of evidence. Evidence of I'm lovable, evidence off, I
14:24
Speaker 1: can do the work, evidence off I have happy clients,
14:27
Speaker 1: whatever it is, it's your evidence that makes you feel
14:32
Speaker 1: capable and confident in that field that we are talking about. Okay,
14:36
Speaker 1: so it's impossible you're you and not just you. So
14:40
Speaker 1: many people in your position are waiting to feel confident
14:43
Speaker 1: enough to take that next step. But it's the other
14:46
Speaker 1: way around, annoyingly, so fucking annoying. But you have to
14:50
Speaker 1: take that step to then begin to feel confident. Action
14:54
Speaker 1: precedes it every time, always, it always has been, it
14:57
Speaker 1: always will be. Now, another thing that I want you
15:00
Speaker 1: to think about is you're getting too you're complicating it
15:05
Speaker 1: too much. You need to think of one thing, or
15:07
Speaker 1: like one aspect of things that you're going to focus on.
15:09
Speaker 1: You're thinking, maybe i'll work on this, maybe i'll do this,
15:11
Speaker 1: maybe I do this. You need to listen to my
15:13
Speaker 1: episode on soft action versus hard action. The reason it
15:16
Speaker 1: feels good when you're in that brain storming phase is
15:18
Speaker 1: because you're in this gentle soft action area, which is
15:21
Speaker 1: very important and necessary. So you need to be doing it.
15:24
Speaker 1: So it's important. But the issue is when we spend
15:26
Speaker 1: spend too much time in soft action and we never
15:27
Speaker 1: take hard action, then that's the difference between a day
15:30
Speaker 1: dreamer and a person of action. Okay, so listen to
15:33
Speaker 1: that episode. Just type in soft action versus bold action
15:37
Speaker 1: or herd action. I can't remember what I titled it
15:39
Speaker 1: it's really going to help you, and I kind of
15:42
Speaker 1: give you a percentage split of what needs to be done.
15:46
Speaker 1: If you're going to spend x amount of time on
15:47
Speaker 1: soft action, which is your vision boards, your brainstorming, you're
15:50
Speaker 1: like looking at different branding content, how would I do
15:52
Speaker 1: my personal brand? Basically, anything that feels safe and flowing,
15:56
Speaker 1: relaxed effort versus things that feel uncomfortable, unsafe if vulnerable,
16:01
Speaker 1: and you know something that you'd rather delay. That's the
16:03
Speaker 1: hard stuff versus the soft stuff, and you need a
16:05
Speaker 1: healthy balance of the two. A good way to reward
16:08
Speaker 1: yourself is if I can do X amount of hard
16:11
Speaker 1: stuff today, then I'm gonna allow myself to spend another
16:14
Speaker 1: hour or two on, you know, my mood boards and
16:17
Speaker 1: the creative, flowing stuff that makes you feel really good
16:19
Speaker 1: in what I'm working on. You need to strike the balance.
16:22
Speaker 1: Without that balance, you're going to be too much in
16:24
Speaker 1: soft action and then doubting yourself, and then you're gonna
16:25
Speaker 1: start not even enjoying the soft action, and then the
16:28
Speaker 1: herd action is going to seem like a bigger and
16:30
Speaker 1: bigger and bigger and bigger mountain that you have to
16:32
Speaker 1: climb instead of just starting something now, So write down
16:36
Speaker 1: a whole list. Part of the soft action today today
16:39
Speaker 1: before you go to bed is you're going to write
16:41
Speaker 1: down a list of hard actions that you could take.
16:43
Speaker 1: What is it. You're gonna get the website, you're gonna
16:45
Speaker 1: launch the website. You're gonna do this, You're gonna do that.
16:47
Speaker 1: You're gonna have your social media, you're gonna have an
16:49
Speaker 1: idea for the first few posts. You're gonna deal with
16:51
Speaker 1: the fact that it might be cringey to put it
16:52
Speaker 1: up when this and that. Write it all down, all
16:55
Speaker 1: the hard action stuff that you're avoiding, and that's what
16:58
Speaker 1: you're going to then come up with a strategy of
17:00
Speaker 1: how many hard action things do I need to have
17:02
Speaker 1: executed per week? Obviously some will take longer than others,
17:06
Speaker 1: but I have to do at least let's say, two
17:09
Speaker 1: heart action things a week, and then in the next
17:12
Speaker 1: six months I would have done x amount of heart
17:14
Speaker 1: action things. And that's how you're going to go about it.
17:17
Speaker 1: You need the balance. If you don't get that balance,
17:19
Speaker 1: so the whole thing my advice to you is reframe.
17:22
Speaker 1: How do I look at these people as proof that
17:24
Speaker 1: I'm on the right track, instead of telling me that
17:26
Speaker 1: I need to stop doing what I'm doing because at
17:28
Speaker 1: the moment you're looking at this, people like what do
17:29
Speaker 1: I bother? Instead of saying this is the perfect example
17:32
Speaker 1: as to why I need to be doing it. There
17:34
Speaker 1: are people out there right now that are probably about
17:37
Speaker 1: to launch a fitness app that will probably do really
17:39
Speaker 1: well and make them millions, while at the same time,
17:41
Speaker 1: there are other people out there being like, there are
17:43
Speaker 1: so many fucking fitness apps out there, there's no way
17:45
Speaker 1: that I could make money on a fitness app because
17:48
Speaker 1: it's such saturated and everyone's doing it. See the two
17:51
Speaker 1: different mindsets. It is like the fashion industry. You'd think, oh, well,
17:55
Speaker 1: there's so many brands out there, why bother because it's
17:57
Speaker 1: so saturated, how could I ever? And it's true, it's
18:00
Speaker 1: fucking saturated, But what does that mean that there's no
18:02
Speaker 1: new fashion brands ever? Again, there's people starting out, and
18:05
Speaker 1: there's ones that succeed and ones that don't. You have
18:07
Speaker 1: to be in it to win it. It's not gonna
18:08
Speaker 1: say it's one hundred percent gonna work, but it's definitely
18:11
Speaker 1: not gonna work if you don't put yourself in the arena.
18:14
Speaker 1: So you turn it around. You look at these people
18:16
Speaker 1: and say, they're an example of what I could do.
18:19
Speaker 1: They've shown me a it's possible, and they shouldn't be
18:20
Speaker 1: that there is demand in the market because one thing
18:24
Speaker 1: is number one. You've got to get good and you've
18:26
Speaker 1: got to be doing it in order to get good.
18:28
Speaker 1: And there is no matter how saturated a market is,
18:33
Speaker 1: there will always be demand for people that are skilled
18:36
Speaker 1: that people that are really good at the top of
18:37
Speaker 1: the game. Look at personal trainers for example. There are
18:40
Speaker 1: a dime a dozen at least here in Australia. But
18:42
Speaker 1: to get a good fucking trainer who's switched on on
18:45
Speaker 1: the ball, great with their clients, that is a more
18:49
Speaker 1: you know, more in demand. Those people are in demand.
18:51
Speaker 1: Those people can ask for more, They can ask for
18:53
Speaker 1: what they want because they've earned it. So you've got
18:55
Speaker 1: to get like, how do I get to the point
18:57
Speaker 1: where I'm there? It's by entering, not tomorrow, not in
19:01
Speaker 1: a month, not in ten, It's now okay, and I'm
19:04
Speaker 1: not gonna like it, and it is going to be uncomfortable.
19:06
Speaker 1: And if I'm not prepared to be uncomfortable doing it,
19:08
Speaker 1: I might as well just give up on every single
19:09
Speaker 1: one of my dreams right now. Okay, you have to.
19:12
Speaker 1: You have to be willing to go through the uncomfortable
19:15
Speaker 1: stages and you will thank yourself so much later down
19:17
Speaker 1: the line. They don't even have to be big steps,
19:20
Speaker 1: little incremental steps, but you're doing those hard action things.
19:23
Speaker 1: Two a week, three a week, whatever it is, and
19:25
Speaker 1: before you know it, you will start first client pays
19:27
Speaker 1: you second client. Now you've got ten clients on the books,
19:30
Speaker 1: and then you get better and better and better. You
19:31
Speaker 1: can start charging more, you can start offering more services.
19:34
Speaker 1: But streamline it, be simple, and do the hard action.
19:38
Speaker 1: I really hope that helped. If anything, I just hope
19:40
Speaker 1: it got you into a bit more of a motivated
19:42
Speaker 1: mindset that you are capable of doing it, okay, because
19:45
Speaker 1: if you don't do it, someone else is going to
19:46
Speaker 1: start today same day as you and actually be succeeding
19:49
Speaker 1: in twelve months time. While you're like, ah, I should
19:52
Speaker 1: have started twelve months ago. You don't want to do that.
19:53
Speaker 1: You don't want to be in that position. So go forth,
19:56
Speaker 1: my friend, and good luck with that. That's very exciting.
20:00
Speaker 1: I think you. I think you'll kill him, since.
20:09
Speaker 3: Since last one Hi, Alexis. I'm calling in from the
20:15
Speaker 3: United States. I just want to say I love your
20:17
Speaker 3: podcast so much. You are such an inspiration. I recently
20:20
Speaker 3: had the weirdest situation happen my ex boyfriend who was
20:26
Speaker 3: my first love. Like so, I loved and cared for
20:29
Speaker 3: this man so much, but he has we broke up
20:34
Speaker 3: last year, and earlier this year, he slept with my
20:36
Speaker 3: best friend at the time back in April. They I
20:41
Speaker 3: had been hanging out with this girl for months and
20:44
Speaker 3: we knew everything about each other, and they slept together.
20:48
Speaker 3: And I just found out yesterday we had been Me
20:50
Speaker 3: and the boy had been on and off talking like
20:53
Speaker 3: since earlier this year. And I always just cared so
20:57
Speaker 3: much for both of these people. And it's just like
21:00
Speaker 3: I just need help understanding what to do next. Like
21:02
Speaker 3: I sent them a long message of how I feel
21:05
Speaker 3: so disrespected and I already blocked them on everything. I
21:07
Speaker 3: don't want them to be a part of my life.
21:09
Speaker 3: I know that they're not good for me. It's taken
21:11
Speaker 3: me a long time to get there, but I finally
21:13
Speaker 3: realized and I just need help, like moving forward, what
21:16
Speaker 3: do I what should I look for in the world,
21:19
Speaker 3: Like how should I start like changing my perspective because
21:23
Speaker 3: I love how caring and kind I am to other
21:25
Speaker 3: people and trusting and that's a part of me that
21:27
Speaker 3: I never want to give up. It's just like I
21:29
Speaker 3: need to relearn how to trust that after these two.
21:31
Speaker 1: People took advantage of me.
21:33
Speaker 3: So if you have any words of advice, I would
21:35
Speaker 3: love to hear them. And yeah, just thank you so
21:37
Speaker 3: much again. I hope you have an amazing rest of
21:40
Speaker 3: your day.
21:41
Speaker 1: Bye bye. Great question. Great question, because it's kind of like,
21:45
Speaker 1: how do I not let myself become jaded based on
21:48
Speaker 1: something that was not in my control, based on people
21:50
Speaker 1: that kind of yeah, like disrespected me and kind of
21:54
Speaker 1: took advantage of my trust and went behind my back
21:56
Speaker 1: and did this you know, like one hundred percent. Okay,
21:59
Speaker 1: So you've made a decision, which is great. We love clarity.
22:02
Speaker 1: We love clarity, and you've pretty much said, I don't
22:07
Speaker 1: want these people in my life. I know they're not
22:09
Speaker 1: good for me. It will do me no good to
22:10
Speaker 1: have them in my life. I'm not interested in having
22:12
Speaker 1: them as friends. You're not interested. So that's great. You've
22:14
Speaker 1: made a call, and that already is a big sign
22:16
Speaker 1: of confidence within yourself. If you're able to make a
22:18
Speaker 1: decision like that, it shows that you can back yourself,
22:21
Speaker 1: which is awesome. So tick done. You've made that call,
22:25
Speaker 1: and that is a call that you're happy with, and
22:27
Speaker 1: we love that. The next thing we're going to look
22:30
Speaker 1: at is, don't allow one bad example to paint other
22:35
Speaker 1: people like to paint the brush of other relationships, because
22:38
Speaker 1: right now that's what's starting to happen. And it's easy
22:41
Speaker 1: because negative things can bleed into so many other positive
22:45
Speaker 1: things because it's such an intense feeling. Anything that represents
22:49
Speaker 1: such an intense, overwhelming feeling like I can't believe this
22:52
Speaker 1: has just happened. They literally let me down. I trusted
22:54
Speaker 1: them and I was, you know, blindsided, and all of
22:58
Speaker 1: the above. You need to finding examples to kind of
23:02
Speaker 1: prove the opposite. Okay, it's easy to be like, these
23:05
Speaker 1: people did this to me and now they've broken my trust,
23:08
Speaker 1: But you're forgetting all the people in your life right
23:11
Speaker 1: now that you do trust that are trustworthy. Maybe not
23:13
Speaker 1: romantic connections, but think of for the people in your
23:16
Speaker 1: life that are trustworthy. You know, you obviously are a warm, loving, vulnerable,
23:22
Speaker 1: open person, so I would imagine that there would be
23:25
Speaker 1: many great relationships in your life. And it's easy to again,
23:30
Speaker 1: like I said, really focus on what happened when it
23:33
Speaker 1: takes up so much if your awareness, that's human nature,
23:36
Speaker 1: isn't it. But that's what reframing is all about. It's
23:41
Speaker 1: consciously being like, all right, and I'm aware this is happening,
23:44
Speaker 1: shedding the light on this, and now I'm going to
23:45
Speaker 1: pull my awareness because two people have broken your trust
23:48
Speaker 1: and hurt your feelings. But then there's probably another twenty
23:51
Speaker 1: people or ten people or however many that are really
23:55
Speaker 1: trustworthy and have your back. Why are the two people
23:58
Speaker 1: going to now set the time for anyone else that
24:00
Speaker 1: you meet moving forward versus all the other good people
24:03
Speaker 1: that you've earned these good relationships and healthy relationships in
24:06
Speaker 1: your life. You know, when we look at healthy relationships,
24:10
Speaker 1: that's two sided, goes both ways. That's something you've earned.
24:14
Speaker 1: It's not a miracle that it's happened. It takes two
24:17
Speaker 1: good characters to create that together. And you've done that
24:20
Speaker 1: with other people in your life. I'm sure you have.
24:22
Speaker 1: I mean, can you can write again and say, Alexis,
24:25
Speaker 1: you're wrong. I have nobody in my life, absolutely nobody,
24:27
Speaker 1: But I doubt that. So I want you to look
24:29
Speaker 1: at these really positive examples and being like, see, wait
24:31
Speaker 1: a minute, just because these two dogs did this to me,
24:36
Speaker 1: that's the trash taking themselves out, okay, and thank you
24:39
Speaker 1: very much all the best. So yeah, now let's look
24:42
Speaker 1: at all these examples that represent actual trust and relationships, friendships,
24:46
Speaker 1: family members where I can be vulnerable and comfortable and
24:50
Speaker 1: laugh and it's not like a switch like oh I
24:52
Speaker 1: just trust it from moving forward, but it does help
24:54
Speaker 1: talk you down off that ledge. Okay. Doing this reframing
24:58
Speaker 1: does help you come reason a bit better with yourself.
25:01
Speaker 1: We don't want our emotional side of the brain to
25:05
Speaker 1: just take this concept and run with it and make
25:08
Speaker 1: us feel like we can't ever drop our walls and
25:10
Speaker 1: we've got to like protect ourselves and that which in
25:12
Speaker 1: turn only ever pushes people away and you're not actually
25:15
Speaker 1: ever protecting yourself when you have your walls up like that.
25:18
Speaker 1: So what we want to do is when we have
25:19
Speaker 1: this feeling come up being like like how do I trust? That? Really?
25:22
Speaker 1: Really hurt? Number one exactly what I told you, we reframe.
25:27
Speaker 1: But number two, we think that trusting like if we
25:33
Speaker 1: trust someone and they hurt us, we won't be able
25:37
Speaker 1: to handle it. But that's not true because look at
25:40
Speaker 1: you right now, you're alive and you've handled it. It sucks,
25:43
Speaker 1: but you've handled it okay. And you have to remember
25:48
Speaker 1: that when someone breaks your trust, as hard as it is,
25:53
Speaker 1: it was then letting you know who they were. And
25:58
Speaker 1: sometimes you have to go through a couple of bad
26:00
Speaker 1: apples before you get to the good one, and that sucks,
26:03
Speaker 1: but that's also life. No one said that everything was
26:05
Speaker 1: going to be completely fair for everyone. That's just navigating life.
26:08
Speaker 1: So the best thing that you can do for yourself
26:11
Speaker 1: is try and find a way to be as resilient
26:14
Speaker 1: as possible in this life, because the more resilient you are,
26:17
Speaker 1: the easy it's going to be for you to pick
26:18
Speaker 1: yourself back up and be vulnerable and open yourself up
26:22
Speaker 1: and love people, friends and relationships, romantic relationships again, because
26:27
Speaker 1: without that vulnerability, you only experience one shard of what
26:31
Speaker 1: there is to experience in relationships. You need vulnerability to
26:34
Speaker 1: experience and the whole thing. And when you cut yourself
26:37
Speaker 1: off from relationships, you punish yourself and the people that
26:41
Speaker 1: hurt you in the past still hold power over you
26:44
Speaker 1: because directly or indirectly. You're behaving this way because of
26:48
Speaker 1: what they did to you. They're no longer in your life,
26:50
Speaker 1: and you're still punishing yourself. You're still cutting yourself off
26:54
Speaker 1: from experiencing all these other things with other people. And
26:57
Speaker 1: if these other new people in your future were to
27:00
Speaker 1: also break your trust, and it would be very unfortunate
27:03
Speaker 1: and really unfair. But if it was to happen, you
27:05
Speaker 1: are the example already that you would survive and you
27:08
Speaker 1: would pick yourself back up, you would learn more about yourself,
27:12
Speaker 1: you would be resilient, and you could press on. Okay,
27:15
Speaker 1: So as much as we don't want to experience it,
27:17
Speaker 1: you're capable of getting over it. Do not ever tell
27:21
Speaker 1: yourself that you can't handle being lied to again, because
27:25
Speaker 1: that's going to make you be jaded, scorned and have
27:29
Speaker 1: your walls up, and you're not going to be vulnerable,
27:30
Speaker 1: and you're not going to experience the beauty of what
27:32
Speaker 1: it is to experience. You know, this whole plethora of
27:35
Speaker 1: amazing relationships that exist in your future right now that
27:38
Speaker 1: you don't even can't even fathom who this person is
27:41
Speaker 1: right now, who this friend, and who this romantic partner is.
27:44
Speaker 1: But they are there, and when you meet these people,
27:48
Speaker 1: you want to be feeling like ready and open and vulnerable,
27:51
Speaker 1: ready to experience the whole everything there is to experience. Okay,
27:54
Speaker 1: don't let what these people in the past did to you.
27:59
Speaker 1: Know what you've all about trust and how you trust
28:01
Speaker 1: people to paint your future. You can only do that,
28:05
Speaker 1: and it has to be a conscious decision. So we're
28:06
Speaker 1: going to be doing that reframing. We're going to be
28:08
Speaker 1: doing that, like top myself down off the ledge, get
28:11
Speaker 1: the logical process into it. Say it out loud if
28:13
Speaker 1: you need to stop yourself, stop your track. And then
28:16
Speaker 1: that's how you retrain your brain to approach a situation
28:19
Speaker 1: and it can go from being fear based and like
28:21
Speaker 1: kind I can't be like yep, I know I feel
28:23
Speaker 1: that way and it fucking sucked. But I got over
28:25
Speaker 1: it and I did this, and I did that. These
28:26
Speaker 1: are new people and then and before you know it,
28:28
Speaker 1: that's going to be your initial thought approaching things. It's
28:31
Speaker 1: not right now, but you'll get your mind and your
28:34
Speaker 1: brain to get there. Amazing. That is all for today's episode.
28:38
Speaker 1: Hopefully that was helpful. Hopefully even if I wasn't answering
28:41
Speaker 1: your question. Hopefully you were able to listen to that
28:43
Speaker 1: and be like, I can apply that to my fucking life.
28:45
Speaker 1: Thank you very much. That is all. Love you so
28:49
Speaker 1: much and I will see you guys next Monday or
28:52
Speaker 1: head Noise next Friday. As always, remember be can't yourself
28:55
Speaker 1: you counting your brain not? Don't take shit from anyone,
28:58
Speaker 1: and especially don't detect it from yourself Donca