Latest / Success Story with Scott Clary / Shauna Brittenham - Emotional Intelligence Expert | How to Transform Fear Into Your Greatest Business Advantage

Transcript

Shauna Brittenham - Emotional Intelligence Expert | How to Transform Fear Into Your Greatest Business Advantage · Success Story with Scott Clary

• 0:00
  I start from a place of passion and interest, and then generally speaking success follows.
• 0:05
  It's most fun in life to do the things you love because they end up being a service to others.
• 0:11
  She's not just a powerhouse in venture capital. She's the quiet force shaping the future of tech
• 0:16
  and innovation. Shawna Brittnum brings a unique blend of strategy, heart, and grit, helping founders
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  not just raise money but build companies that actually last. If we're not giving ourselves permission
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  to feel anxious, to feel trouble, to feel down, then we can't fully experience the flip side of that.
• 0:34
  Joy, emotional freedom, relief. They go hand in hand. If we use our worst moments to our advantage,
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  they're always a blessing. You have more authentic relationships with people when you're
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  authentically creating your boundaries. Protract record, backed industry shaping startups,
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  advised on billion-dollar growth and always shows up with clarity and conviction. She's proof
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  that you don't need to be loud to be powerful. You just need to know your worth and help others
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  realize theirs. So much of anxiety is our imagination. It's our imagination playing a mean game
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  and thinking about the worst possible case scenario. That's what creates anxiety. Anything that feels
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  hard will one day feel easier. I really believe that.
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  If you're going to have to describe what you do for a living, how would you describe your work?
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  Human, the umbrella is human. The umbrella is human. I'm in the wellness space in multiple
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  capacities with an emphasis in creativity. Where did, okay, so if we talk about the businesses
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  you've built, even some of the work that you do now, what would be a major inflection point,
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  something that pushed you into wellness and serving humans? Well, I have had a lot of autoimmune
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  issues since I was young and I've worked tirelessly to support my body and so my company,
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  Lyonachials, was born out of the desire in many ways to help myself and then to give other people
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  the tools to help them themselves physically. And when you started this, what was sort of the gap
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  in health and wellness? I mean, you said people to trust, quality, cleanliness, for myself,
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  not necessarily feeling like I was getting the results I wanted in terms of energy and just feeling
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  fully alive. No, I think that if I look at all the different things that you've done, what I love
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  about most entrepreneurs, but I think I really see this with you is you've solved your own problems,
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  and then you've made those solutions sort of available to the world. And I think it's most fun
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  in life to do the things you love because they end up being a service to others. Versus thinking
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  about how you can serve others and then reverse engineering it, I start from a place of passion
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  and interest and then generally speaking success follows, right? So I'm never pursuing success.
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  When you think about sort of your journey, even from a young age, so
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  at a young age, when you were 19, you ended up in a psychiatric ward. So all of these things,
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  and I want you to tell that story and sort of what it taught you and what happened there,
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  but all of these things impact how you operate today. Even before we press record, we're talking
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  about a lot of what drives people our events that have been early childhood. I mean, 19 is not so
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  young, but that informs the work you do, how you operate, how you function, the tasks you take on.
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  So what happened at 19? At 19, a lot of repressed trauma surfaced from childhood.
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  From childhood. And I think that all of us have incredible coping mechanisms to get us through
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  life. And I was an overachiever, I started college at 15, I graduated college at 19, moved to Boston,
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  got my first job, was working at 19. And at a certain point, we all crash and burn when we have an
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  address, the deeper layers that are fueling us. And in many times, you know, are fueling our
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  achievements, even. So sometimes we present positively, and you know, the way in which the world
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  receives us is with a lot of admiration and sort of with open arms based on what we've accomplished,
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  but beneath all of those achievements, what's fueling us is something so much deeper. And it's not
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  always positive, you know. And so in my case, if you were to look at my life on paper, you know, I
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  was, I graduated from college, magna cum laude, and I was, you know, working and living this really
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  sort of robust, you know, rich life, spiritually rich life. But there was a lot under the surface
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  that hadn't been addressed. And so it took a very long time for me, both to sort of accept the
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  nature of what I had been through and then to piece together a way to heal. And healing isn't linear
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  the way creating a career isn't linear. Like we were just talking about how there are so many
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  different unique paths to get to where we are. And every single thing we do informs that
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  that has been true for me in terms of psychological mental, you know, emotional facets of what was
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  required for me to get to where I am today, to a place where I integrated it, you know, in all
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  in all capacities, yeah, have a thriving family. Beautiful. You know, fun to business, all of it.
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  You know, but it took, I will say, it took a lot of time and a lot of very sort of creative
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  approaches. What are the personality traits that would lead you down this path to have to go into
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  the situation that were also the same personality traits that allowed you to be successful that I
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  think that there's an over achievement perspective. There's a, I don't know if you've ever thought
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  about this, but I feel like they're not such different traits. I think that somebody who
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  has all these neurodivergent, quote unquote, not normal traits, they can use it for good,
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  or it can be self-destructive to them if they're not careful. That was a percent. I mean, I think
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  for better or for worse, I'm a very authentic person. And so that level of authenticity that
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  occurred when I was 19 was not something I would have necessarily consciously chosen. And like I
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  said, I've never, since that moment in time, I have never been so honest in my entire life.
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  Explain that though, just, sorry, explain that. So it was, it was that you felt like you weren't
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  being honest that led you down this path or in terms of, yeah, in a sense, because when you're
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  not fully embodied and fully consciously integrating trauma, in a way you're living
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  not a line necessarily, but sort of like an almost partially true version of your life, right?
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  Like there was this huge part of my story that I didn't even have access to because I wasn't
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  willing to fully commit to and connect with it. And so to allow that to surface in a really radical
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  sort of overwhelming way that maybe was difficult to metabolize for other people is something
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  that occurred despite me. But it is my reference point now in the sense that I think many of us are
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  still striving to be palatable to society, to our friends, to our partners, to our colleagues,
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  to our customers. We want to be accepted. We want to be liked. We don't want to be rejected. It's
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  a very natural survival based sort of human instinct. And it can prevent us from behaving and
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  relating in a way that's fully authentic. So you stated that becoming the quote-unquote boss of
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  you, I guess ownership of your own life, it starts with confronting trauma. I believe that we all
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  have experienced certain levels of trauma. And in my personal opinion, we don't have to
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  relativize our trauma. It's okay to just look at your life and say, hey, I had a pretty wonderful
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  life. I had great grounding parents. But I'm prone to depression. Or an incident occurred where
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  someone made fun of me when I was a little kid. And it really affected my self-esteem. And because
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  of that, I've never been able to step into a leadership role. That could be considered a
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  form of trauma for a small child. Or I had a dad who was always comparing me to my older brother.
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  Never said I was good enough. You know, always made me feel like the underdog,
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  like all of these things inform how we approach the rest of our lives to some capacity,
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  unless we're awake and able to see it clearly. But so how do you, how do you recommend people,
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  that's where they start. Everyone has trauma to a degree. Where do they start looking?
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  And what is even relation, what do you meant? You mentioned relationizing.
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  Well, we all tend to relativize our experiences, right? Like you and I were talking before this
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  about how what I've been going through with someone else, it may not be as bad as what someone
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  else has gone through. We don't need to compare our lives and our life story to anyone else's.
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  What you've been through is what has shaped who you are. And in many ways has created the fabric
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  of your being that has influenced your decisions and how far you've allowed yourself to go in your
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  life. A lot of people even keep themselves from achieving because deep down inside, they believe
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  they're not worthy of great things. And so for me, it began with actually really listening to my body.
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  So in conversations and alone, really beginning to sense when I'm anxious or when I'm feeling down,
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  or when I'm lackluster or uninspired, and starting to understand the signals and messages
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  of my body, because the body is always communicating with us all the time.
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  You know, it's going like, this is safe. This is not safe. This is comfortable. This is not
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  comfortable. And we have to, in many cases, distinguish between fear that has served a purpose
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  at one stage of our lives, but is no longer truly relevant. And a true or system of knowing,
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  a true sort of intuitive knowing that is informing us from a highly intelligent place. So that's
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  a whole other, and I talk a lot about this in my book. You are the boss of you. It's distinguishing
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  between our true knowing, the deeper, higher guidance, you know, within our own minds, and fear.
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  Because as you may know, they're not the same. And oftentimes we get confused and we confuse
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  ourselves because we can't distinguish between the two. So there's going to be two
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  conflicting ideas here. So one, you want to make sure that you're not too selfish,
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  and you serve other people in everything that you do. But on the flip side, you also have to
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  serve yourself to a degree. So how do you balance that as you go through life? How do you balance
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  that successfully? How do you balance the concept of, I want to be a good person and serve the
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  world, but I also have to take care of myself in my business relationships and my personal
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  relationships, because sometimes those two things people find themselves at odd, right?
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  Well, I guess I've been very lucky in the sense that everything I pursue ultimately is
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  in service to others, and I happen to love it. So I write music and I sing. Other people hear
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  my stories through song and feel connected to their own experiences and emotions. They feel
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  freed in some way. We're not alone. You know, with Eli and naturals, I created nutrients that I
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  myself needed for my body to thrive and created a service to others. So I don't think they're
• 13:05
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  if you're hiring indeed is all you need. When you when you started, um,
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  ally and actuals was that was that the first thing that you tried to build and it was successful
• 15:22
  or did you sort of apply this framework to your own life? You tried multiple things. Nothing
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  really worked out. My initial idea because I was breastfeeding my second child at the time
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  and I was in early stages of mommy mode was I actually wanted the nutrition line to be
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  for pregnant and postpartum. I guess solving your own problem. Solving my own problem. I felt like
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  my second kid just took everything out of me. My kids are 24 months apart and I just felt like I
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  didn't have the capacity to live life on my own terms. And then, you know, I had a very
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  poignant conversation with my husband and he said, you know, Shauna, you're so passion driven.
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  I'm worried that in a few months or years, you're going to outgrow this phase and you may or may not
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  be as passionate about it. So why not create something that has more longevity? And what I've
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  always struggled with my whole life is this host of autoimmune, you know, issues that in many
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  ways have served the purpose of creating mindfulness and forcing me to be in a rhythm that works
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  in my body. Your body physically reacts. I am not a person who can get away with things. So to
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  speak, I crash if I'm not taking care of myself. The whole system crashes. It's like, you know,
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  the train comes to a very abrupt halt. Your worst moments, I think, are actually blessings in
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  disguise. And that may be true for most of us. I think if we use our worst moments to our advantage,
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  they are always a blessing. And nothing, no circumstance is empirically, well, that's not necessarily
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  true. This is what I'll say. We all go through very hard things. A lot of certain not most, but
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  many circumstances are not empirically good or bad. The meaning we assign to them dictate and
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  influence our experience of the world around us and of ourselves. So if I look at an experience
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  and say, wow, there are all these powerful tools I've learned from this, or I'm creatively
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  inspired by this now, or I have the ability to empathize with people on a significantly deeper
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  level because of what I've been through. Now this has become an advantage. Now this has become a
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  beautiful part of my life. I could also choose to view it as what a step back. Like nothing's
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  getting done, nothing's happening. I'm, you know, this was so hard. Or I can say, yeah, because
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  this was so hard, I'm now in a position to help other people more impactfully.
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  Listen, it takes a lot of maturity to look at life that way. Yeah, because I know what you've
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  been through even recently now. And to look at, to look at some of these step backs as a,
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  as a, you know, glass half full silver lining moment, that's, that's difficult.
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  It's a choice. We always have the choice about how we perceive things, right? Perspective is
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  always in our control. Circumstances out of our control. How other people react completely out
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  of our control. There's environmental factors. There's political factors, societal, familial.
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  There's so many factors that are out of our control, but we can always choose how we react to
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  them, how we respond to them, with intuition, with compassion for ourselves and for others,
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  with empathy, and with a sense of resilience that allows us to move forward with positivity.
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  That doesn't mean that we don't feel really crappy sometimes. Like, I'm a, I'm an entire chapter
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  in my book about feeling your feelings. I am a person who cries. I love to be in the, the deepest
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  part of my being. I want to feel things, because I know that when I do, and I know this a lot
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  based on my experience in 19, I know that when I, when I feel things in my guts and my soul,
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  I then move forward and powered. I then move forward stronger and more. It's not a weakness
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  to feel things and to be emotional and to be sensitive. It's a superpower. When we come from
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  that place of vulnerability, we can move forward with our whole selves, with our full being,
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  and activate everything else that needs to be on board to have a successful life.
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  I feel like, I feel like, especially with this audience and people that listen to this show,
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  I think sometimes we just turn off the emotion and focus on outcome.
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  Why I think that's a huge mistake is that our emotion can very successfully drive us.
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  Even in terms of our decision making, because think about how intuition plays a role in who you
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  choose to have on your team, who you choose to do your deals with, who you trust, who you don't,
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  if you're not fully accessing that deeper part of you, you're also disconnecting from the
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  intuition that can drive you to make very good decisions. I agree. I think that one thing, so there's
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  a couple, you mentioned a couple strategies. First of all, just having the awareness that you
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  should be into your internal dialogue, especially as a high performing individual, because it actually
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  will help drive outcomes, be mentioned something else about creating space or gap in your life,
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  so that you are not constantly doing, and you have a chance to be alone with your thoughts and
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  think, and just, I don't know, just have a finger on the pulse of your own internal dialogue,
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  and the only way to do that is to not always be on this hamster wheel.
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  It's also just to be in touch with your rhythm as it unfolds from day to day, because your needs
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  today, Scott, may be very different from your needs yesterday, they're different from your needs
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  tomorrow. So we can't apply a formula to this, we can't codify it. This is an organic day.
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  I'm not very different. You see how I think, right? But let me explain one thing.
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  Yes. So, and right, because formulas and calculations and data, you know, analysis and pulling
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  and, you know, analytics, like all of these are great strategies. Okay, and I want to present an
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  alternative reality, which is that I wrote four books in four years. My first book is coming out
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  February 4th. You are the boss of you. I did not follow any of the guidelines I was given by
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  writers to sit down every day at a certain time and write whatever comes out and then stop when
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  you stop, but, you know, make sure you write a certain number of pages every day. I collected all
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  of this wisdom from friends. I watched some master classes online about, you know, tools and tips
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  and strategies for writing. Guess what? None of them applied to me. The basic human experiences
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  are the same for many of us. A lot of us have similar needs, but we're all wired completely
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  differently. So, what works for me may not work for you. You need to establish your own rhythm.
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  You need to figure out what works for you. What works for me is listening to my body day to day.
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  There were days I didn't write at all. There were days that because I allowed myself to putter
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  for 45 minutes in a kitchen drawer, I had an idea that then fueled 45 pages of my book.
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  Sometimes for me, at least many of my most poignant, brilliant, imperative, impactful seeds that
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  create momentum and inform what I'm doing next come from moments of silence of what would look
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  to any outsider as playing, as puttering, as being sort of unencumbered in a sense. And because
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  I'm giving myself space to be creative, I then apply that creativity in a strategic way that's
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  impactful, right? So then I go write the book. I don't have the idea because I'm wandering through
• 23:30
  my garden and then just keep the idea bottled up inside. I then sit down at my computer and write
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  and write and write. And then at the end of that, I edit. And then I have to, you know, do all
• 23:41
  these things to publicize the book, right? So there are action steps that require a certain formula
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  and strategy, but the meat of it, like the heart of what I wrote, it came from a place that was
• 23:55
  completely uninformed by strategy. Like it was all inspired in moments that would look
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  completely ridiculous to an outsider. Why do you think, because even just listening to myself,
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  I'm realizing that I'm the case study for somebody that overindexes on formula and strategy
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  all the time, because it's comfortable and it feels safe, right? So I'm actually curious
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  why you think that we default to that. I think we don't trust ourselves. We don't trust in our
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  ability to do things organically. When I say organically, what I mean is to tune into what's
• 24:33
  happening in the moment in real time and respond to it accordingly, when really that's the most
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  brilliant solution anyway, right? Any problem is to deal with what's actually happening versus
• 24:44
  trying to troubleshoot and foreshadow. We can't control circumstances. You know, obviously,
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  there's a place for predictions. I go to the weather channel. I want to see what the forecast is,
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  right? But if I go outside and the weather forecaster didn't predict rain and it's raining,
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  I don't knock at my umbrella. I go, I respond to what's happening in real time, right? But if we don't
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  trust ourselves, because we've been conditioned by society and our parents and all of the adults,
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  it all comes, well, a lot of it comes back to the fact that when we were very young, we were told
• 25:22
  not to trust ourselves. I'm cold. You're not cold. It's hot outside. I'm tired. I want to go to
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  sleep. Now, you got to get up. It's time to go to school. So over and over again, we're taught in
• 25:33
  these insidious, microscopic ways, not to trust ourselves that become paramount when we're adults,
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  because then we're adults who are relying on structures. We're relying on the outside world to tell
• 25:45
  us what's right and wrong, what we feel and what we don't feel. We don't even trust how we feel.
• 25:49
  We're asking someone else, do I have a right to feel sad about this? Of course, you have a right to
• 25:54
  feel sad about it, because there are industries that are built on us, not trusting how we feel.
• 25:58
  Exactly. And in this moment in time, if there's no other takeaway, it's you will be significantly less
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  reliant on structures and outside data information. If you begin to cultivate a relationship of trust
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  within yourself, and step one is the internal dialogue, starting to question yourself, wow,
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  okay, I don't feel safe in this situation. Do I, you know, why? What's going on here? Where am I
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  feeling it? It's in my shoulders. Okay. Where is this coming from? You know, right today, I don't
• 26:32
  want to record a podcast. I want to do this and then where is that coming from? What's driving that?
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  And really to be in conversation with yourself. And then all of those other things become tools,
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  but they're not a crutch, right? It doesn't mean you're not pulling. It is one of the most important
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  and imperative aspects of my business is pulling my customers. I want to know what they want.
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  I want feedback. What's working? What's not? These are very real calculations. These are numbers.
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  But at the end of the day, they don't detract from my own intuition. And there are pieces
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  of the business that are driven entirely by that. I know that health and nutrition has impacted
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  your journey and how you sort of healed yourself with a lot of mental work that you've done as well.
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  And there's a lot of different frameworks in the book. These speak about that are healing frameworks.
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  So maybe speak about some of the more successful ones. The ones that have had the biggest impact on you.
• 27:36
  Things in defining boundaries, first of all, learning how to define boundaries,
• 27:43
  because that not only informs who you work with in business, but who you let into your life in
• 27:48
  general, being able to say no without feeling like you need to justify it. No is just no sometimes.
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  I am not available for that commitment. I'm not available for that networking event.
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  I'm not going to show up at this party. I don't need to explain why.
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  I might choose my whole life. Absolutely. I really struggled with that. But being able to trust
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  that my inner guidance and communication is true for me, not be true for you. It's true for me
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  and run my life based on what feels right in my body is absolutely paramount.
• 28:27
  Sleep. I wrote an entire chapter on sleep. I think sleep is huge. And I think part of this
• 28:33
  kind of overworking mentality of if we work longer hours and if we got in grind through it, it's like
• 28:41
  you know, for me, that isn't how I'm most productive. I am most productive when I sleep eight hours.
• 28:49
  And then I wake up energized and I actually have the capacity to recognize where my energy
• 28:55
  should go and where it should energy allocation in general is a huge conversation. Where are you
• 29:03
  channeling your energy? Where are you investing your emotions, your ideas, your time? These are
• 29:11
  huge. And sometimes we can't accurately navigate the answers to those questions if we're tired.
• 29:19
  We're coming from a place of deficit. So that is huge. Learning how to self-soothe. I talk a lot
• 29:26
  about this. It sounds like a babyish thing. And it is. As adults, many of us are children walking
• 29:33
  around in adult bodies. And so we're having tantrums. We're feeling unwanted. We're feeling of
• 29:41
  we're not feeling as successful as the other person in the room. You could be a self-made
• 29:46
  good-jillionaire with the most successful company in your city or town. And then you go to an
• 29:53
  event and you're on a panel with four other people who have accomplished more in quotes, you know,
• 29:59
  so to speak. And then suddenly feel like a loser. And it's like we're terrible sometimes to
• 30:04
  ourselves. Part of how I learned to soothe myself was by talking to my children. You're okay.
• 30:14
  Or I can see you're having a really hard time right now. That feels really tough.
• 30:21
  Are you sad? Is what you're feeling sad? You seem really angry. Like we sometimes
• 30:28
  help you. How does that help you? It seems like you're being a great parent and you're
• 30:31
  after that it's your kid. Because this is how I've learned to speak to myself. When I'm in a room
• 30:36
  full of very successful people who are expecting a lot of me, how I sometimes talk to myself
• 30:43
  is the way I would talk to my child in the simplest most efficient and not not convoluted terms.
• 30:51
  Which is like you're okay. You've got this. You're you're feeling scared. And wow, like all you
• 30:59
  need to do is show up and be yourself. I mean the things I tell my kids, they apply to us as
• 31:04
  it doesn't matter how much money you make. It doesn't matter how six of like we all need to
• 31:08
  be talking to ourselves this way, right? It's the simplest thing sometimes in terms of communication.
• 31:14
  I think that so true. Well, I think that sometimes we just overcomplicate lessons and ideas
• 31:21
  that we already knew we already knew. I see a lot of I see a lot of that. I feel like we're always
• 31:29
  right now I feel like everybody is always seeking new ideas and new wisdom to help improve their
• 31:34
  life, help improve their relationships, whatever. But at the end of the day, I think we all know what
• 31:39
  we have to do. We almost look, we almost accumulate information as a crutch to not actually do the
• 31:47
  work that should be so much over research. So much. Yeah. And what I'll say is like there's a
• 31:53
  perfectionistic sort of thing that can like and I have an entire book on softening perfectionism
• 31:58
  because I'm a perfectionist. And perfection isn't a real thing. It doesn't exist. It's created
• 32:06
  by us to make ourselves not feel worthy and valuable. There is no perfect thing or perfect
• 32:13
  person out there. It's not real. So what we can do is our best at any given moment in time with
• 32:21
  the information we have. And then as you begin to move into the reality of what you're trying and
• 32:28
  what you're experimenting with and what you're discovering, you adapt, you amend, you reformulate,
• 32:38
  you rethink, right? So you need to sometimes take action to even know what the problems are that
• 32:43
  you need to solve for yourself and your customers. If you're, you could do all the research in the
• 32:48
  world. And then you jump in there and the real life way that this plays out is so different from
• 32:54
  the theoretical thing that you envisioned, right? Or you're, you have new data, right? So you're
• 33:00
  constantly having to recalibrate what's, you know, what your approach is based on what's happening
• 33:06
  in a real time. And you just have to get your hands dirty. And to do that, you need to give yourself
• 33:12
  permission to make mistakes and to fail. Because that's just information. Like to me failing doesn't even
• 33:18
  exist. It's just more information about what's working and what's not so you can recalibrate.
• 33:26
  Sometimes I have a lot of friends in different businesses, very, very successful businesses and
• 33:31
  businesses that have been incredibly unsuccessful in the ways that we tend to measure success in a
• 33:38
  quantifiable, you know, way. And by the way, some of my friends who had the businesses that flopped
• 33:46
  because they flopped had the idea to do the next great thing or learn something that was like
• 33:51
  the pivotal key in how they now live their entire lives. But, you know, if we're not willing to
• 33:58
  get in there and figure it out in a way that feels really messy, like we probably won't get as far
• 34:05
  as we could. You might get very far, but you might not get as far as you would. And I think we were
• 34:11
  talking about this earlier, Scott, before you press record. But trusting in your resilience and
• 34:16
  trusting that your identity, who you are fundamentally in your being, your value, your worth, it has
• 34:24
  nothing to do with the outcome of your business or of your success. Like those are two completely
• 34:29
  separate independent things. You're 100% worthy and valuable because you're a human who exists
• 34:37
  period. The moment you were born, you had 100% of your value. You can't add to that. You can't
• 34:43
  subtract from it. The rest is icing on the cake. The rest are just the ways in which we're playing
• 34:48
  on a line. You know, you know, it's easy to say, but you know, how hard it is for especially for
• 34:53
  an entrepreneur, somebody to remove their self worth from the business and understand that if they're
• 34:59
  business doesn't succeed, it's not a hit on their self worth as a human being. That is such an
• 35:05
  incredibly hard concept. It's not a hard concept to understand. It's a hard concept to live.
• 35:11
  But the word concept is also cerebral and it's also left hemisphere. It's not even a concept. It's
• 35:16
  it's an internalization. It's an emotional scaffolding and construct that our worth is contingent
• 35:25
  on what we produce and how people perceive us and the levels of success that we define based on
• 35:31
  these really arbitrary standards. Like I don't care how much money you make Scott. Like I don't
• 35:36
  care how many from father yet. Like it's amazing. I'm connecting with you as a human. I think you're
• 35:41
  an amazing priceless individual who has a lot to offer in your being as a human as a soul. And what
• 35:48
  motivates us to create I believe ideally would be just desire to do something like completely
• 35:57
  wonderful and amazing. And as a consequence of that other people benefit. Success sometimes
• 36:04
  happens because our motivation isn't to prove that we're enough or that we're worthy. It's to just
• 36:12
  create from a very pure place for the love of creating. I think that there's an idea that I love
• 36:21
  and it's sort of very simple idea but whatever it is that you're trying to build. Give it minimum
• 36:29
  10 years of your life. And the reason why I like that idea first of all because it increases
• 36:33
  the chances of success significantly. But second of all if you can commit 10 years of your life to
• 36:38
  something not only will you most likely be financially successful by some quantifiable metric and
• 36:44
  how we how we interpret and define success as society to some degree. But also
• 36:51
  when you can commit to something that long it just means that you're in it for reasons outside
• 36:54
  of money which ironically will end up leading to money. That's the thing. I can't not write books
• 37:00
  right? Like no period. Like no one maybe no one will read them. That's okay with me. It's not
• 37:07
  going to keep me from writing exactly. I sing to myself. No one is listening to me at this point.
• 37:12
  I used to be on a stage. I had a band. I recorded music. People came. I had there was an audience.
• 37:18
  No one is hearing me in the shower and I will never stop singing because it lights up my soul.
• 37:24
  I'm not doing it for anyone else. Because what? Because I'm singing for the love of it in my house.
• 37:30
  My daughter has absorbed my music and now she's a singer herself. I love that. It's amazing how
• 37:35
  when we're energized by what we love we set the people around us on fire. Yeah, and you can tell
• 37:41
  too. You can tell when somebody is actually living the life that they want to live. It's an
• 37:46
  inspiration. We all want to feel good. That's a thing. Like what you're looking for isn't really
• 37:52
  success. It's a feeling. It's an experience, right? So like if you can identify what that is your
• 37:58
  one step closer I think to living a meaningful and purposeful life. I think so too. I want to feel
• 38:03
  authentically expressed. I want to feel a creative freedom and passion. Like there are these
• 38:09
  things I want to feel and as a consequence of that I create and I continue to broaden the
• 38:18
  base of what I'm doing and what I'm pursuing professionally and entrepreneurially but it's
• 38:22
  really motivated by this deeper place. I've thought about this a lot even with the podcast because
• 38:28
  this has probably been the quote unquote hardest thing that I've ever built in terms of revenue.
• 38:37
  It's much easier. I could go and launch a new product tomorrow and spin up a Shopify store or I could
• 38:43
  partner with a developer and spin up an app and I like I know how to build a business from scratch.
• 38:48
  So I could make a lot more money doing that in the first six months than I probably done with the
• 38:53
  podcast but the podcast I really enjoy because for me I get to meet some of the coolest people in
• 38:59
  the world who get to have great conversations and it's much more fulfilling than watching numbers in
• 39:04
  a stripe account. Right. I don't give you love doing it. People are listening exactly and don't
• 39:09
  get me wrong. Like there's some podcasts that have hundred million dollar Spotify contracts and
• 39:15
  there's like there's money in this game too but for me I rather make money and spend a little bit
• 39:21
  more time building something that I actually enjoy doing then just doing something just from now.
• 39:27
  I get that that's a a place of privilege that I come from and that's that's something that not
• 39:32
  everybody can afford. So people have to worry about rent next month and food to like this afternoon
• 39:37
  but I'm just saying that there's ways to structure your life that if you play this long game with
• 39:43
  something that you enjoy and it doesn't doesn't mean you're quitting your job. It doesn't mean you're
• 39:48
  putting your life at risk. It doesn't mean you're putting your your livelihood at risk but if
• 39:52
  you can find a way to work your nine to five and to build something on the side even for the
• 39:58
  couple hours if you put enough time and energy into that thing over a period of time and if you
• 40:02
  love it enough you'll find a way to become successful. If you love it enough you can't not do it
• 40:06
  and that's kind of how you know I think if something is your calling or one of your callings because
• 40:11
  many of us have many callings. Yeah. There are different stages of our lives. If you can't let it go
• 40:15
  if you're relentless about it you're probably meant to do it. It may just not be the right time.
• 40:20
  Yeah. At timing is everything. I mean when when I when I when I was starting to write by the way
• 40:27
  I didn't have any time. I had when I wrote my first book I my son was four months old. This was a
• 40:35
  book that I didn't even include in the other books because no one will I hope it never sees the light
• 40:39
  of time. It was a passive project for sure. But I was literally writing while I was cooking dinner
• 40:49
  while I was holding him and he was taking a two-hour nap in my arms I was doing little voice
• 40:54
  memos into my phone. I was accessing I was I was touching the dream right like in these my new
• 41:03
  small ways at the time maybe felt insignificant but five months later I had a novel and I didn't
• 41:09
  I never sat at that time I did not have the luxury of sitting down and just writing okay so like
• 41:16
  people with full-time jobs have to pay the bills where can you touch the other dream in what capacity
• 41:23
  can you make contact with it doesn't have to be every day if that if that's not within grasp
• 41:29
  don't wait until you can do it every day if people are saying well you need this many hours a day
• 41:33
  and there's much time like then don't don't make that you know a requirement just but begin to
• 41:40
  think about where in your life can you take advantage of and seize opportunities to connect with
• 41:46
  that bigger dream and that bigger purpose it doesn't have to look perfect you don't have to have a
• 41:50
  room with a view it can be very scrappy and very resourceful and and and very organic we're talking
• 41:57
  about a lot of a lot of mindset and a lot of things that can heal you and heal your mind and some
• 42:04
  sort of more I guess that's a great word I was I'm curious because I'm sure that you have
• 42:15
  opinion on this because you're so into like physical health and wellness and the products you consume
• 42:21
  and the environment you interact with so maybe just give people some some insight as to you know
• 42:28
  what you put into your body on your body surround yourself with how does that impact your health your
• 42:32
  wellness your wellness your mind any of that yeah I mean I do try to eat organically I drink a ton of
• 42:40
  water I take my supplements I mean I have a supplement company I I create what I want to take
• 42:46
  for myself and I think movements really important I think movements also very important for
• 42:52
  creativity in the mind I don't have a set exercise routine I don't go to a gym I'm not super
• 42:59
  and just wet and steel I think if you watch the blue zone documentary on Netflix it's so fascinating
• 43:06
  there's only one left now I think because I'm not mistaken that's really sad and there's only one
• 43:12
  yeah I said blue zone actually I meant to say blue zones but maybe like intuitively I was tapping
• 43:17
  the fact yeah no I'm not I think it's in California I think there's one left in the world oh yes
• 43:22
  it's a religious right environment right it's interesting um what they find or what they found
• 43:29
  with the blue zones is that the areas of the world where people live the longest they're moving
• 43:35
  quite a bit throughout the day right they're not as stationary as we tend to be in our society and
• 43:41
  it's a problem for people sitting at desks all day and not moving and also like a lot of my best
• 43:47
  ideas come when I'm not at my computer so I'll be writing or working I'll step away from my computer
• 43:54
  to peel an apple and it's like boom there's the answer right and it's not that I'm not working on
• 43:59
  finding a solution to the problem it's just that I find that when I stop overthinking it usually
• 44:06
  the answers come to me I just want to take a second and thank cornbread ham for supporting
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• 44:26
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• 45:39
  the most useful business podcast trust me go do yourself a favor and listen to i digress wherever
• 45:43
  you get your podcasts i want to i want to talk a little bit about your family motherhood because
• 45:50
  you bring that up a little bit in the book as well as how that's impacted you and it's influenced
• 45:55
  your approach to healing but speak to me about i mean you just you had a daughter i say just
• 46:04
  you look you look 35 i said you had a daughter at 35 you look younger than that but you had a
• 46:09
  daughter at 35 and some trauma memory surfaced when you had your daughter at 35
• 46:21
  so speak to me about that part of your life why that even happened because that if that happens
• 46:28
  to someone else who's listening that could be like why are these memories from my past coming up
• 46:33
  when i'm having a kid what do i do with this feeling of this emotion but yeah i just want to
• 46:39
  understand how that particular moment shaped your approach to healing how motherhood shaped your
• 46:43
  approach to healing what it forced you to to understand about yourself all of it right well i think
• 46:51
  you know patterns can be intergenerational so if we're not aware of how we're living our lives
• 46:58
  or why we're making certain decisions we pass that ignorance down to our children right like
• 47:04
  everything we do they're watching so i could say to my child you're safe you know everything's fine
• 47:12
  and then if i'm in a chronic state of anxiety or highly overwhelmed all the time and she sees
• 47:18
  that i'm unsettled and that i don't have the ability to calm myself down doesn't really matter
• 47:23
  what i tell her she's not going to believe me because she's she is absorbing the message that
• 47:28
  fundamentally she's unsafe because she can see that i don't feel unsafe even if i'm telling her
• 47:34
  words that should on some level inform herself sense of safety and i hate to say it but when you have
• 47:43
  kids a lot of your unprocessed trauma even things that you thought you had worked through surfaces
• 47:49
  because i believe because you see how vulnerable they are and the most vulnerable parts of
• 47:56
  you surface so the times in your life where you felt the most helpless and out of control and
• 48:00
  powerless tend to rise to consciousness and it could be something as simple as and this it's
• 48:08
  not simple and i i don't like that i use that word but it could be something as uh you know as
• 48:14
  every day as a mother who when you were crying said you know you're fine get over it right
• 48:21
  because like that informs how you parent yourself you then grow up to be a person who isn't
• 48:28
  feeling fine and says i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine until you're not fine and that's what happened
• 48:33
  to me in nineteen right like i was fine yeah because i was telling her when i was fine until i
• 48:37
  wasn't fine right so i i feel like the vulnerability of our children in many ways is an access point
• 48:45
  almost like a portal in a sense and can take us back in time to the parts of our lives or we felt
• 48:51
  the most out of control and that's what happened with you and it's about happened with me and it's
• 48:55
  as my children continue to grow and evolved i am learning all of these other access points
• 49:03
  right like so for instance my son who is so massively creative and just he's like an absolute genius
• 49:12
  in a lot of ways but very honest in how he presents so he doesn't care what people think of him he's
• 49:20
  it's the idea it's the movement it's the energy he's just out there with everything with his feelings
• 49:26
  with his thoughts his ideas his creativity and there's some piece there's still some unhealed piece
• 49:33
  of me that for all the work i've done with honesty is like oh you shouldn't say that in front of
• 49:40
  that person or oh i don't like that they're seeing you have this tantrum right like it's embarrassing
• 49:48
  to me that's how i feel and i i don't like that i don't like that i'm looking at my son have a
• 49:53
  danger in going like oh goodness what will people think right because what i want more than
• 49:59
  anything is to is for him to have access to the freedom that comes with that level of honesty
• 50:06
  that we suffocate as we get older and learn to cope and learn to behave and and present
• 50:12
  um but you know at different ages you realize where you still have some
• 50:19
  areas uh where growth is definitely possible one idea that i really want to unpack is
• 50:26
  you've spoken a lot about setting boundaries which is very important
• 50:30
  and even setting boundaries and miss something your own family to a degree because that's also
• 50:34
  important but with anybody your family your business partners you still have to have an
• 50:40
  authentic relationship with them so how do you manage setting boundaries plus still building a
• 50:46
  deep oh i think i think actually you've juxtaposed things that are on the same team on the same side
• 50:53
  explain you have more authentic relationships with people when you're authentically creating your
• 50:59
  boundaries so when i'm honest about my needs and trust that you can receive them not personalize
• 51:06
  them and implement them in a way that's healthy for both of us everyone wins right and there's
• 51:13
  reciprocity there so if you create your boundary with first of all i trust if you're a person
• 51:19
  who's creating boundaries and in the habit and routine of creating boundaries i trust that you mean
• 51:23
  what you say when i trust that you mean what you say and believe you there's freedom for both of us
• 51:31
  right i'm not guessing i'm not walking on eggshells i'm not tiptoeing i'm not having to ask you three
• 51:36
  times i understand that you're a person who is speaking and communicating your truth based on
• 51:44
  your real-time needs and desires so first and foremost there's that then there's this thing of
• 51:50
  how do we fully connect with others when we're not being honest we can't right so i will say to
• 51:58
  my husband often i am afraid of disappointing you right now i know that so first i just kind of
• 52:06
  name the thing that i'm afraid of because that helps me clear the air for myself more than him even
• 52:11
  i say i want to be the fun wife right now and i want to go out and party with you and go to the hot
• 52:17
  new restaurant and do the thing and feel alive and be the way we were you know when we were dating
• 52:25
  and right now i can't do that and here's why what i need is to be in bed watching alian make
• 52:32
  the alian's at eight p.m. so that i can wake up and feel okay tomorrow right and because i've
• 52:40
  like named my fear and i'm also like aware of his expectations and desires and i'm not like
• 52:47
  not even interested in them i'm i'm deeply aware of them but also able to state what i really need
• 52:54
  were then in conversation and working as a team to first meet our own needs and then meet the
• 53:00
  needs of the other person right and there is a certain level as we know of compromise and sacrifice
• 53:04
  in any relationship right like if i want to stay in bed every single night which i do
• 53:10
  same same same maybe at some point i will have to surrender to going out on a night where i don't
• 53:20
  feel like you know that's the thing that i would love most to do but it's not every night and most
• 53:26
  of the time i'm taking care of myself you know and then when we do go out and have that intimate
• 53:31
  quality time it's really meaningful and i'm really present so the thing about not creating boundaries
• 53:38
  is that when you show up because you feel like you have to or you're obligated to or you're
• 53:41
  afraid of disappointing or angering someone else or you fear the reaction you're not even showing
• 53:47
  up as the version of yourself they want you to be so nobody would they're ironic isn't that right
• 53:52
  like when i show up because i'm excited to be there i'm a lot more fun when we do go on dates
• 53:57
  like i'm a riot you know like you want to be pleasurable to be around you're not you're not
• 54:04
  you haven't built up all this resentment and your actions and i'm not exhausted and feeling like
• 54:09
  i'm doing this for you and i never take care of myself and where am i in the equation
• 54:15
  right like like i said in any relationship they're going to be like i'm a mother of two children
• 54:20
  i spend a lot of time doing things i don't want to do so again like this isn't a surgery i'm not
• 54:25
  creating a boundary that says i will not slice your apple or take you to school right there's a lot
• 54:30
  of rinse and repeat to life that is just kind of outside of the bounds of choice in family but
• 54:37
  there's a lot that actually is a choice like for instance you know me coming here today i have my
• 54:43
  in-laws watching my daughter she wanted me to take her out and i said you know mommy has this really
• 54:49
  exciting opportunity and i explained what i was doing and what's so interesting is that she was
• 54:55
  disappointed at first that i wasn't going to be with her and then she got really excited for me
• 55:01
  and now i get to go home and tell her about this incredible experience i had with you scott so
• 55:06
  in a way it's like other people ultimately benefit when we're living our best lives as well
• 55:12
  and so creating that boundary in the short term while it might feel uncomfortable
• 55:17
  also inspires everyone around us to live their best lives what do you think causes people pleasing
• 55:24
  is it fear i think it's fear of being rejected not accepted or having people withdraw
• 55:32
  love attention support material resources i mean think about how the exchanges go as children
• 55:39
  i do x i get z i do you well on the test i get an a i drop my ice cream mommy yells you know we
• 55:47
  have in so many ways internalized you know action and reward speech and reward speech and punishment
• 55:55
  you know if i say this i'll get in trouble but if i say that i won't and there's safety associated
• 56:02
  you know with all of this so the thing that i ask myself when i'm afraid of creating a
• 56:07
  boundary is what am i afraid of losing and often it's respect it's if people thinking that
• 56:16
  i'm x y or z thing i want them to think of me and i frankly am wanting to control how other people
• 56:26
  perceive me so if i if i'm in the space of wanting to control what other people think i'm not making
• 56:33
  an authentic decision for myself right i'm a prisoner to this paradigm of trying to please but
• 56:40
  it starts very young like if i do x y or z i'll get in trouble and then attention is withdrawn
• 56:48
  love is withdrawn admiration is withdrawn right so even again as an adult talking to myself the way
• 56:55
  i would a child wow i i really don't want my sister to think i'm x y or z if i do say this or
• 57:02
  don't do that and then comforting myself but i know that i'm lovable likeable and worthy of attention
• 57:13
  and good things even if i don't make other people happy or even if they think whatever thing they're
• 57:19
  going to think that's outside of my control and it all is anyway it's all an illusion that we can
• 57:24
  control what other people think anyway right so it's it's really i think very primal when you
• 57:31
  boil it all down those initial roots that grow into us and and plant you know are planted at such a
• 57:40
  young age and grow into these trees of like if we say the right things and do the right things will
• 57:47
  be safe because we can guarantee that the people around us will behave this way they'll be nice to
• 57:53
  the like us they'll give us stuff they'll invite us to the party it's so young you know it's so
• 57:58
  primal but listen if if you can if you can sort of reconcile all these thoughts that first of all you
• 58:06
  are enough and the worst case scenario that you envision happening will most likely not even happen
• 58:12
  and it's very freeing because then you don't you don't operate you don't operate with fear going
• 58:19
  through life you can take control of of what you actually want to achieve so much of anxiety is
• 58:25
  our imagination it's our imagination playing a mean game and thinking about the worst possible case
• 58:32
  scenario that's what creates anxiety right it's wanting to control the unknown and feeling like if
• 58:39
  we can micromanage everything will stay safe in the opposite is true what gives us access to
• 58:47
  emotional freedom and peace is letting go of trying to control and micromanage anything
• 58:55
  and everyone around us and just trusting that if even the worst case scenario happens let's say it
• 59:01
  does yeah you're still lovable you'll be okay you know you you will be able to give yourself
• 59:09
  the nourishment internally and the guidance you need and require to pick yourself up and move on
• 59:16
  what would be we spoke about a lot of different ideas and be your embossing just in your life as
• 59:21
  well what would be an idea that we haven't gone into or a question that I should have asked that I
• 59:25
  didn't well you've asked a lot of questions um I think the question that a lot of people have
• 59:35
  is fundamentally like am I okay and it's the simplest question like we're wandering around
• 59:44
  at the end of the day just wanting to know we're going to be okay right so I think that when
• 59:52
  push comes to shove I provide all of these tools I there are so many practical strategies in my
• 59:59
  book and I have an entire workbook on my personal site hello shana.com that will give you more
• 1:00:07
  application than you ever would want possible and at the end of the day we all just want to hear
• 1:00:14
  that we're okay and the truth is we are we don't have to be perfect moving into anything we don't
• 1:00:22
  have to have the right answers most of the time we don't have the right answers so the question
• 1:00:29
  you can ask me is how do we know that we're okay and how we know is that we believe that we are
• 1:00:38
  100% valuable at birth as I said before and nothing can add to or subtract from our value if we
• 1:00:47
  really not just know that in our conscious minds but feel it in our bodies it's okay to fail
• 1:00:53
  it's okay in business for things not to go your way you will make another way there will be a
• 1:00:59
  brand new light an idea something will come into mind someone will approach you right and also
• 1:01:06
  just kind of making ourselves available for opportunity is something else that I would love to
• 1:01:11
  pass along to your listeners I was here in Miami because I was displaced from my home by the fire
• 1:01:19
  and had this opportunity to meet you because of that right and I was available for that opportunity
• 1:01:26
  and you so generously it is crazy how it's all came together it is and it really the root of this
• 1:01:31
  was a catastrophe an actual crisis and and and there's this little piece of gold in it right like
• 1:01:40
  this beautiful conversation well now now I would I made a connection that I would have never made
• 1:01:45
  before yes and I'm here to help you with your and I appreciate and your life for suit I mean it is
• 1:01:51
  it is wild sometimes how how life works out it's I mean I have no idea now I'm going to meet
• 1:02:01
  your husband and you'll meet not my network and and I'll meet your network you're going to come
• 1:02:06
  over for dinner and life is strange life is very strange how how it all works out and it's so
• 1:02:13
  important to be open yes to opportunity some of the most pivotal conversations I've ever had in my
• 1:02:19
  life where people who don't even know they've changed my life it happened in a taxi once this guy
• 1:02:24
  changed my life like indefinitely right this this taxi driver in New York City and guess what like
• 1:02:31
  I was there in that moment in time this is the one you're talking about before you no that was
• 1:02:37
  the Uber driver who took me here to see you today oh today yeah no this was years ago years ago I
• 1:02:43
  had gone through this breakup that felt like the end of my life because I was in my 20s I was super
• 1:02:47
  alive this guy and and I was I got into a car sniveling you know drenched with my own tears and
• 1:02:56
  completely inconsolable just gushing in the backseat of this of this taxi driver and kind of was
• 1:03:03
  like tentatively peeking at me through the mirror really not knowing how to respond and he goes are
• 1:03:09
  you okay I was like yes but I want to do this you know breakup and I'm just now I don't know if
• 1:03:15
  I'll ever meet someone I love as much again and he goes oh he let you go it was liberation you were
• 1:03:23
  liberated and I just stopped in my track and said what he goes this was liberation he let you go he
• 1:03:31
  doesn't deserve you and I thought to myself oh my goodness I was thinking of this as even though I
• 1:03:38
  did the breaking up you know I convinced myself that ultimately I broke up with him because of this
• 1:03:42
  is you know because of his rejecting me in this other way and whatever point is he reframed it for me
• 1:03:49
  same situation a breakup felt catastrophic suddenly I went from being rejected to being
• 1:03:55
  liberated and this was actually a very powerful day guess what six weeks later I met my husband
• 1:04:04
  okay I would not have met my husband I don't think if it were not for that taxi driver because
• 1:04:09
  I was very close to going back and just making it all work again like had I not gotten into that cab
• 1:04:15
  I don't think I would have met my husband so we never know where sources of inspiration will come
• 1:04:24
  from I wish I had this man's name I want so badly to tell him how the story ended but just being
• 1:04:30
  available in life for people to support you influence you give you the right listening to yeah
• 1:04:38
  you know next introduction or idea it's invaluable I love it if you wanted to actually I'll ask you
• 1:04:48
  this first and then we can then I'll ask a couple last questions to close it out but where do you
• 1:04:53
  want people to go you mentioned the website other social that you want to send people to
• 1:04:58
  so the book you are the boss of you can be found on amazon.com and I've created this
• 1:05:06
  workbook that's my gift to you at my website my personal website hello shana
• 1:05:12
  h-e-l-l-o-s-h-a-u-n-a dot com hello shana i'll put that in the shana yes thank you
• 1:05:19
  I spelling this faulty even with my own name apparently it's lunchtime there's a caloric deficit
• 1:05:24
  my brain is dwindling rapidly and my personal instagram is at shana britain ham writer and my
• 1:05:34
  business insta is at alaya dot naturals perfect okay so put that on the show notes if you wanted to
• 1:05:43
  if you know you mentioned I guess the the one question that I didn't ask you was you know
• 1:05:50
  am I am I enough and but would be a one last bit of wisdom that you want to leave the audience with
• 1:05:56
  I want the audience to know that anything that feels hard will one day feel easier I really believe
• 1:06:07
  that I believe deeply that we can be on a path to experiencing a level of emotional freedom
• 1:06:17
  that even when hard things come up in life make life feel really exciting and really joyful and
• 1:06:24
  really abundant and really inspired and so if you're devastated because your startup didn't work
• 1:06:32
  out and maybe you invested all your funds in this one way or your team got dismantled or you
• 1:06:39
  don't even know what you want to pursue next and you're feeling like what's wrong with me that
• 1:06:43
  I don't know we even what I want to do in my life like all of that's okay it's all human it's
• 1:06:50
  all natural and there is a way forward and there are tools that can help and support you
• 1:06:58
  and life will get better and better and better I do deeply believe that in my heart and that's
• 1:07:06
  a huge part of why I wrote this book is because my life has continued to evolve as I've worked
• 1:07:13
  the tools that I share as I've questioned myself like if I'm having a moment of self doubt
• 1:07:19
  just questioning that like every thought I think isn't necessarily true right it's real but it
• 1:07:26
  may not be true like these small ways of sort of finessing and maneuvering our mindset and our
• 1:07:32
  mind fam they can impact our lives substantially and wherever you are today in your life emotionally
• 1:07:39
  fiscally you know mentally I know in my heart that you will be at an even better place in five
• 1:07:49
  years from now if you just continue to give yourself permission to access your feelings come for
• 1:07:56
  yourself in moments where you feel like you're not enough and be ignited by passion
• 1:08:02
  out of all the things that you've learned in your life and all the different things you've accomplished
• 1:08:08
  say you could only pass on one lesson to your kids the most important lesson what would that
• 1:08:13
  lesson be be gentle with yourself be kind with yourself you know forgive yourself quickly
• 1:08:20
  don't dwell on mistakes things you should have said should have known could have done better
• 1:08:25
  that compassion that we have for ourselves drives our ability to support and hold space for
• 1:08:33
  other people and their vulnerability and their humanity and how raw and weird it is to be on this
• 1:08:40
  planet it's very hard to be human or doesn't you know regardless of your circumstances it's just
• 1:08:45
  we're all really fumbling and trying to figure it out day by day and so what I would want most
• 1:08:52
  deeply for my children and what I try to instill them now is just a sense of self love and self
• 1:08:57
  care which is like it's okay to be human it's okay to be messy you get to be raw be kind to yourself