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Dr. Carla Caturia - Raising Resilient Teens · She’s Smart

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Hey, everybody. Welcome to She's Smart. I'm your host, Maria Robotham.
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Today, I'm joined by someone who has dedicated her life to helping teens and families thrive.
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Dr. Carla Couturio is an elite mindset and peak performance coach specializing
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in emotional intelligence.
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She's the CEO of The House of Rise, a global coaching and training company.
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And for over 20 years, she's worked with more than 10,000 tweens,
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teens, young adults, and their families.
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Carla's approach combines research, experience, and her own unique frameworks
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to get to the root of emotional pressures while offering practical strategies
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for parents and kids to show up as their best selves.
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She's spoken to thousands of parents, students, and educators,
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and her work is all about creating harmony, resilience, and independence within families.
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In our conversation, we talk about what today's teens are really going through,
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how parents can support them without being snowplow parents,
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the role of emotional intelligence in raising strong and self-aware kids,
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and why letting our children stumble can actually be one of the greatest gifts we can give them.
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So get cozy as we connect, learn, and laugh together on She's Smart. She's Smart.
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Music.
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Carla, thank you for coming on She's Smart. We have to tell the story of how we met.
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I was moving out of my old studio, and Carla's cousin, Rosa,
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lives in the cottage next door.
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And I was moving out, and it was like 90 degrees. I was pouring sweat, drenched.
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And all of a sudden, this woman walks out of the cottage, and she's like,
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hey, do you need help? And I'm like, yes, I won't say no.
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I'm like, normally don't let people help me. This was one of those moments where I'm like, please?
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And then she's like, oh, I'm Rosa's cousin. I'm like, this is amazing.
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She goes, I'm also a life coach for teens. And we just started talking.
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And I'm like, this is when the universe does the things.
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This is awesome. So and then I was like, you need to come on the podcast.
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And then we did. I think you were wearing like a dress in some sort of heels
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too. I just came from a luncheon. And I had no time.
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We were moving out. I was moving out of the studio. I was moving out of our house.
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And I was just drenched. I didn't even care. I should have offered you some, like beer or something.
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I think I came home and definitely had a margarita or something.
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But I'd love to start with how you found your way into this work that you're
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doing. Life coach for teens and families.
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How did that come about for you? So I think if I go way back,
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I had a third grade teacher that I loved and I was like, I want to be a teacher.
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And then I was in college undecided and then went into teaching.
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I feel like I probably have been a coach most of my adult life.
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It just wasn't called a coach.
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So you were a teacher, a mentor, whatever you want to call it.
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And then life coaching became a thing.
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And then I was kind of hesitant because I'm like, are people going to trust
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you because there's so many coaches out there and everyone's a coach now?
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And it's like, you know, so I said, well, of course they're going to trust me.
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I've been doing this for 20 years.
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You just kind of have to get over those limiting beliefs. I think I've just
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been doing it for half of my life, I guess I would say. And it just became a thing.
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Yeah, well, and you've helped over 10,000 teens and families.
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I'm curious what this generation of teens has taught you.
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Is there anything surprising about this generation as you're working with them?
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Interesting. A lot of people ask me similar like, you know, kids today or they're so different.
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And it's like, do they have different challenges because they have technology
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or social media or, you know, they're exposed to things a lot? younger.
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And yes, they have different challenges, yet they still have the same exact
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emotions, the same exact thoughts, the same exact feelings as anybody did.
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You know, so we might have played Pac-Man and now they're doing whatever is
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the newest game. It's totally different.
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I have learned some of my kids that there are a lot of kids that are very emotionally
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intelligent and may need to tweak it, may need direction, may need help with purpose.
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And then there's kids like me that I was not emotionally intelligent as a teen
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and there's kids that are not at all emotionally intelligent.
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As well. It's interesting. I was the kid that was just not at all touching those feelings. Thanks.
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Do you think that nowadays there's more allowance for them to actually be in
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touch with those feelings?
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Like, I don't know, I'm an 80s and 90s kid. Like, you do what you're told.
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Otherwise, you got in trouble. Don't be angry.
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Don't be this. We're told not to feel things.
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Now, I feel like we tell our kids, because I have a 13-year-old and 11-year-old, I'm in the thick.
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When they're angry, I'm like, okay, you're angry. That's okay.
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Anger is an okay emotion. So do you think they're being allowed to have those
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feelings more? Well, they are allowed by some parents.
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If their parents, like yourself, are doing their own work or open to it, absolutely.
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And then there's parents that might just not be on that journey,
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so they don't have that resource.
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But with that being said, I still find a lot of kids, trouble asking for help,
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don't want to admit that they might have a confidence issue,
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even though they're getting great grades or they're popular or they have all the athletics or clubs.
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It's uncomfortable or difficult or new to delve into emotions and they either
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are blocked to it and I have to kind of break down that resistance with them
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or they're open to it but they just,
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oftentimes respond to me with I don't know and then we have to work through
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that because they don't know or they're not aware of the patterns they haven't
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thought about how they think or how they feel yeah so it's interesting because
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then we have to say like okay sometimes it takes a little longer to break down their wall,
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but also it's a new type of intelligence.
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So they're very smart. They can take any test and do anything you ask them, you know, school-wise.
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But when it comes to this, it's like, oh, either put the brakes on or they're
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just like a fish out of water.
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There's been some real, like, very sad tragedies around us where you hear these people,
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wonderful human beings who have been doing great things, but there was something
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amiss, and then they take their own life.
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And you read about them, and you're like, why?
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And then you go back to, they're not just what you see, right?
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They might be an incredible athlete or an incredible student,
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but what else is happening underneath those layers that we're not seeing and we're not dealing with?
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How do you typically start working with a family or a teenager?
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Like, What does that process look like? So a lot of people I meet just like I met you.
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I'm just like, I got shit going on. Can you help me? You need to set up an appointment.
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I literally bump into people. Might just be talking in the grocery line or at
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a gym or usually it's somewhere that's healthy.
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You're working out, something like that, a women's event, whatever it might
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be. Other than that, social media.
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I meet, you know, women through Facebook, Instagram.
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We chit chat, whether it be messaging or getting on a call. And if it's an alignment,
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we start working together.
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And I always offer free sessions for kids. So I meet with their parents,
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see where they're at, and then meet with the teen or tween.
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And we just kind of get to know each other a little bit because some kids have some resistance.
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Either they already have a therapist and they are leery of coaching or they
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don't have a therapist. They think, oh, I'm not broken. There's nothing wrong with me.
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And then when they meet me, they realize I'm not judging you.
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I don't think anything's wrong.
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Where do you want to go with this? And who do you want to become?
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Because basically, it's me helping you to become what your potential is.
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And part of that's what mom and dad see in them. And then part of them,
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that's what they want to become.
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And then they realize like, oh,
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we're going to do this. I want to work on that. I want to work on this.
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And then we start to work together. That's been a really big phrase in our family lately.
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Like, remember who you are and who you want to be. Because sometimes the actions
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don't reflect who you are or who you want to be.
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So just remember that as you're going through your day. We listened to audiobooks
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over the summer when we were in the car driving. And we listened to David Goggins.
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I totally know who he is. So we listened to his entire life. Boys love it.
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Obsessed. I think he is just the raddest human being. Didn't even realize his
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story, which is just horrific.
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I've been telling everyone they need to listen to this book.
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We were listening to it, and Easton was like, I'm going to carry the boat.
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That's one of the things. He's at the front of the boat in the Navy SEALs carrying
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the boat. So he goes to soccer, and he's telling his buddies,
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we've got to carry the boat.
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That's something that really stuck with him. Then he wanted the paperback version
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of it, and he's reading it in school as his free-time book.
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Good for him. But that is that mentally strong, who are you going to be,
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what is your character, look in the mirror, that we really appreciate as a family. and,
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It's giving Easton the ability to kind of decide who he wants to be.
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Because you're going to guide him from the sidelines and obviously help him to make good decisions.
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But there's a difference between guiding him from the sidelines and then being
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like, this is what you're going to be.
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You know, you want him, you want to guide him to come up with it himself.
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And, you know, it's interesting, like a lot of my parents, they see their kid
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and they're like, they're not ready for it.
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I'm like, but you have to invest in where you want them to be,
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not where they are right now.
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And what you said about the boys, I get a lot of boys, you know,
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baseball, soccer, lacrosse, whatever sport it is.
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And, you know, it's throwing the bat when the ump makes a bad call or,
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you know, these kind of reactions.
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What you just said is where I try to get my boys or girls, because I have plenty of girl athletes.
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It's that leadership piece. Are you going to step up? You don't have to be the
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oldest on the team. You don't have to be the captain.
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But do you want to be a leader on your team or do you want to just be that kid
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that gets thrown out or is always frustrated and upset and strikes out once
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and now the game's up. Yeah.
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Was that your eighth grade self or are we stepping into your ninth grade self
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here? Or what would a college kid do about this?
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Not you as a 12th grader who, you know, and we have to work on that and that's
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the whole shift. Oh God, that's so cool. Interesting.
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So the other night I find that before bed the boys, that's when they want to chat. Yes. Okay.
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So, and I'm like so done with my day and I just, I want to go to bed but I know
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I have to be there because that's when I get the best information.
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Correct. So the other night And Easton's going to bed, and he's like, you know what, Mom?
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He was reading, I think, or doing something. He goes, sixth grade Easton wouldn't have done this.
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I was like, damn. Yep. That is thoughtful.
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Sixth grade Easton wouldn't have done this. It would have been a different person.
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But it was very insightful that he recognized that and was able to put it into
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words. It was pretty cool.
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So that independent part of it is a big part of what you do with parents and
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teens. It's helping the parents guide the kids.
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Giving the kids the independence. So how does that, how do you work with families
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to do that? Because I will tell you, it is hard.
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It's not easy. No, don't do that. Don't need to come with this way.
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You have to go this way. And I know he just wants to like fly.
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And sometimes I feel like I'm tethering a little bit.
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So how do you work with families to get that independence? It's balance and discretion.
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Like you're not going to have him make certain decisions on his own if he's 13.
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There's you're the mom and dad and no is no. There's that aspect, of course.
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But it's simple things like, Easton, take out the trash. Maybe you say,
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Easton, can you take the trash out by 8 p.m.
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Tonight? I don't care whether you do it now or you do it in an hour,
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but that needs to get done tonight.
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And then if he gets it done, wonderful. If he doesn't get it done,
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he's still got to do it. And there's a natural consequence, whatever that is.
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You know, I have a lot of, so I had like an eighth grade girl I was working with.
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And she would leave it to the end of the quarter to do all her work.
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And mom would swoop in and start emailing all the teachers and all this.
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And I was like, let her get the C.
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It wasn't even like an F. It was the C. Let her get the C. It's just not going to die.
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No one even looks at your grades until the very end.
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And mom wouldn't let her get the C. So when 11th grade comes and 12th grade
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comes and she's doing SAT and all these things, where is she going to be at? Is mom going to still?
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You know, so it's that piece of like, let them fail to an extent. Let him feel the C.
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And then you have the discussion about it. What would you have done differently
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next time? How are we going to structure this next quarter?
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So obviously it's discretion, but it's also you being okay with letting them fail.
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A lot of bombs, it's too much for them.
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They're very attached, which, yes, of course.
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But how can I do this in a, I still love them, but in a detached manner so that
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they build that autonomy.
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Let them fail. When we first started sixth grade, our old principal made these two analogies.
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And the first analogy was, do not be the helicopter parent.
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Which I understood hovering. And the phrase he used that I'd never heard before
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was the snowplow parent.
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A snowplow parent just moves everything out of the way, moves all the obstacles
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out of the way. So they just glide right through.
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And I didn't know what that was. I'm like... Right.
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How are they going to grow? How are they going to learn? We had to fall down
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to get back up. You're not going to fall again, at least in that way.
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You want to do his laundry till he's in 12th grade?
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And then he goes to college and he doesn't know how to function.
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Those are little things, but they aren't little things. Those are stepping stones.
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This is like making your bed.
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Like there's even the whole book about it. Make your bed. It is the first thing
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I ask them to do in the morning.
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Sets you up for the day. And it's, I don't ask a lot, but like make your damn bed. I'm not your maid.
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I might be cooking for you, but you're putting your own dishes in there.
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But it's hard too because I also find as parents, and I'll say moms in particular
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because that's what I'm used to, we have so much shit to do.
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That when they're not doing it and their dishes are out, it's like,
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oh, I want the kitchen cleaned. I'm just going to do it myself.
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Well, and with that being said, how important is that?
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Is it more important? Like, does these three dishes on the table,
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is the world going to end?
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No. Though you have your standards and your expectations prioritizing,
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like, how much are you going to let it bother you and ruin your day?
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Yeah. I have someone I work with as a fifth and sixth grade kid, and they already know.
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They have their checklist, what they set up at night. They get their flute and
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their soccer gear or whatever it is.
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They pack it and go to school the next day. And if they forget something, she doesn't bring it.
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I mean, so just simple as that. Like, you're not.
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That's then will they ever forget again? Probably not. When you bring them their
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lunch and you bring them a coffee. I remember I had that when I was a principal.
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Parents would be trying to bring every little thing. How about they just learn that?
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No, like, yeah, they got to get it themselves. Yeah. Remember it. So it's not easy always.
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But like the more you do it with small things, the easier it becomes.
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When I was in college, I went through a phase where I wasn't the best roommate,
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and I left my dishes on the stove for the night.
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I came home to all of my plates that I didn't clean up in my bed,
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and it was the most effective.
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I never left a plate out after that, and I've thought about doing that at home.
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I was just going to say, is Easton going to be listening to this?
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Because I might be putting his dishes like in his bed. Natural consequence. Natural consequence.
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The food goes in your bed. I couldn't believe it was the best. I needed a lesson.
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They loved me, but they weren't going to tolerate me leaving my crap around.
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It's just setting a boundary.
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That's right. I hope that Jill remembers that story because it's so good.
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Fight over the dishes or do you really want, you know,
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and then when you guys stop fighting over the dishes and you figure out that
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natural consequence, then it opens up your relationship to have bigger and better
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conversations versus the dishes conversation.
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I don't want to have that conversation. Right. I really don't.
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So we touched a little bit about emotional intelligence, and that's a huge part
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of what you do. Here in Weston, we're really lucky.
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We use the ruler approach in all of our lower schools. I'm trained. I'm trained at you.
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Oh, that's amazing. Okay, so this is awesome. So you know all this.
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Yeah. So that's been a big part of what they do at the schools.
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And they use a different approach as you get into the upper schools.
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So that has been like a
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huge part of what we do here and i'm
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surprised it's not in more places because we talk
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about it and i have friends in other states that are like what is that yeah
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it's pretty incredible that we get to be a part of it why do you think that
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it is so critical now for our teens to have these tools to get through these
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years because there's so much anxiety. There's all this social media.
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There's this buildup that they're kind of surrounded by.
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Well, it's funny you say that because I always target towards teens.
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I was middle school, high school, college. That was my background.
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And in Connecticut, that's why I'm trained for ruler because I was a teacher
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here and a principal. And.
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I always targeted teens and my, you know, 17 year olds, my 18 year olds,
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they are listening to me. They're hearing me.
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They're more reluctant to actually
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do the work it takes to shift their mindset or rewire their brain.
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They go, I know you're going to say positive thinking. No, no, no, no, no.
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Like let's where I'm getting a lot of upper elementary kids to your point that
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are sucking it up and like doing the work.
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Coming with a notebook or whatever it might
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be crying over multiplication for a month
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but as we work then they're on division they say it's hard it sucks it's fresh
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they're still not loving it but the energy they expended upon it upon multiplication
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until they got it now they they they're like oh i overcame that i'm resilient
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now when i do division i got this i'm not loving it.
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I don't understand it yet, but I'm not falling apart.
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So though my older teens are still awesome and they pick it up,
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my younger kids, it's almost more important for 9, 10, 11-year-olds to have it.
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So you and I are thinking multiplication, whatever.
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No, it's not the multiplication. That's the point.
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You know, it's that resiliency. So when you have a job and you're working with
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a boss or you have to set boundaries and habits, routines, everything as college
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and then life with a partner, with relationships, all the things.
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You have the words, you have the tools, you can bring that to the person across you.
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The manager that's going to hire you someday or whatever it might be cares that
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you know the skills of that position, but you're not going to get anywhere if
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you don't have people skills and emotional intelligence. It's number one.
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This brings me to a very interesting topic. It's not even on my list of questions.
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The president of McDonald's was on Squawk Box, which we listen to every morning.
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He was talking about how all the stores now are automated because he found that
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the generation, the teen, 20-year-old generation doesn't want to talk to people.
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They want to order their food, walk in, grab it, and leave.
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This communication, this ability to talk to people, have a conversation one-on-one,
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not using a screen or an identity on the screen to be a different person.
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What is going to happen with that? Because I feel like the kids who can actually
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speak to someone and say, shake their hand and say hello and look them are the
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ones who are going to excel because we can't just be doing things automated
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all the time. Our humanity can't do that.
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Communicative people by nature, right? What do we do?
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Well, some of it's personality and some people are just going to be that accountant
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that does numbers and, you know, and that's one thing.
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And then there is the aspect of, I mean, I'll role play with kids,
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you know, so they don't know how to handle playtime with their neighbor and
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they didn't like what happened.
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And we kind of, what would you say to her next time? How would you feel if she
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said that to you? And that's a kid that is outgoing and wanting to work on it.
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And then there's other kids that it's like, we set goals
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of can you go to bible study this week if that's what
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they're into can you show up at chess club at school
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with a friend if it feels more comfortable or so there's some of it that's personality
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but then you can shift your personality if you feel comfortable so it's first
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them feeling comfortable and then as they feel comfortable then realizing they're
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not liking who they're surrounding themselves with and they're shedding friends
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and that's good and scary for them.
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So kind of, I'm realizing like, this is who I might be friends with now.
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And then this is who I'm friends with this amount of time. But yeah,
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there is something to be said about, don't forget a lot of the kids were on
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the computer for a year and a half or whatever it was during a really important
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time. So we're not going to always blame that for the rest of our lives,
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but that is a part of their childhood. Yeah.
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So there is that. There's an entire generation that's dating based on an app.
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And don't forget, it's a lot easier to, because I
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get some kids with stuff happened on social media it was negative there
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was problems it's a lot easier to say things like text it
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or put it on whatever social media it might be than it is to someone's face
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i say that all the time but there are great programs like deca in school so
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if you're doing presentations working on a team it's entrepreneurial so there's
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there are things but yeah i have a lot of kids that don't want to present in front of the class and,
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I get it because you didn't have to present for like two years.
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Now you're thrown to the wolves.
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It's scary, but it's all about overcoming that fear. Maybe it starts with raising
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your hand, working with a partner. You have to scaffold it.
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Yeah. And then before you know it, it's like this person's a completely different
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person six months later.
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Yeah. That's pretty incredible when you can see that transition for someone
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who's even probably just walking up to a new person and saying hello.
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That's got to be quite a feat once they've learned how to be comfortable.
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I have a 19 year old and she goes to personal development type things.
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She usually goes, I feel small. I shouldn't be here. It's a lot of people older than her.
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And she just recently went and we worked on it prior to her going.
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She's blossoming. She's like, I felt so much better. And she went through all
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the wins she had. I worked out before the event.
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Yeah, that's pretty incredible. But there is that aspect of like,
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are we going to be automated? It's always a thing. Are we going to be okay?
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We will. So social media is just, we're not getting rid of it. It is what it is.
22:10
What are some of the biggest pressures that you see it creating for teens right now?
22:15
I think I have a couple girls' body image.
22:19
And they won't come to me and say, social media is causing me to have poor body
22:24
image. I mean, but you can tell.
22:26
And many of my parents are really good about, you know, monitoring it for them.
22:30
But I think they focus a lot more on what they look like than they might have
22:35
if they didn't have social media, you know.
22:38
God, I can't even imagine it. I mean, we grew up and we had like supermodels
22:42
on magazine covers and that was basically what we looked at.
22:44
Well, think you saw that when you went to the store once in a while versus every
22:49
morning when you wake up. And just the pressures of natural development of being
22:53
a tween to a teen and the social pressures and all of that.
22:56
I can't imagine adding on top of that a layer of this social media effort stories
23:01
where girls are at a party and didn't invite one girl and they'll FaceTime her
23:06
and say, oh, hey, we're here. You're not here.
23:08
100%. Like the cruelty in that really scares me.
23:13
And it's this idea that.
23:16
Social media or a phone or a device creates a layer between you and the other
23:22
person that makes you safe for whatever you want to say.
23:25
I think people forget that it's going out into the world and people can read it.
23:31
I have read things that people post on social media on like these Facebook groups and they're awful.
23:37
You wouldn't walk into a room and say that to that other woman to her face.
23:41
But because you're on social media, you feel like you have
23:44
this layer of protection and like it's it there is
23:47
no there's no layer guys what you're saying gets
23:50
to be screenshotted it can be forwarded to
23:53
friends i tell the boys this like look when
23:56
these group texts first of all not okay second
23:59
of all anything you write down can get screenshotted oh
24:02
yeah so if you say one thing it
24:06
and happens all the time in our community because they're not thinking and
24:09
they're young and they're learning well they don't realize the
24:12
power of their language whether it's verbally whether it's self-talk
24:15
to themselves whether it's to another you know like i'm gonna kill you well
24:19
that back in the day wasn't a thing now it's taken more seriously for other
24:23
reasons but also just saying that out loud like i didn't even want to say that
24:27
here just because your words hold such power and realizing that the state that
24:33
you're in you have the ability they're like well.
24:36
I'm just stressful it's before a test you're just stressed doesn't have to be
24:39
stress you choose to be stressful because there's a test because that's kind
24:43
of what you've been told and how we all look at a test.
24:47
If you feel like you have mastery and you have studied over this past week,
24:52
that's not stressful, is it?
24:54
I mean, if you want it to be, it can be, but it doesn't have to be.
24:57
It's really like the meaning you give to it, how you look at it.
25:00
Absolutely. Yeah. I think the parents need that as well, though.
25:04
Oh, 100%. Because if you're pressuring them, you want them to succeed and you
25:07
have to remind them about things. Just because you're stressed doesn't mean
25:10
you're required to pass that on to them.
25:12
So I work on a lot of parents passing on their own trauma and stress and anxiety onto their kids.
25:17
A lot of parents might ghost me because they don't want to do the work either.
25:21
It's kind of like, I'm supposed to do the work because I'm working with your
25:24
kid, but I'm working with the whole family.
25:25
I almost always, nine times out of ten, work with the entire family.
25:30
Like, that's just the way. To some, you know, I might not see mom every week.
25:34
I might see her once a month, but it's like we're all working together.
25:37
Because you can't have one person trying to up-level and then three other people
25:41
in the family not doing the work. That's true. It's important.
25:45
What is a practical way for parents to open up this conversation about social
25:50
media with their kids without going down a tirade or telling them,
25:52
you know, don't do this, you can't do this?
25:54
I find that, and I think other parents find that, we are constantly telling
25:59
our kids instead of discussing with our kids.
26:02
Right. And like you said, there are certain things I'm not discussing with you.
26:05
No, you can't run with a knife.
26:06
And no, you can't hit your brother, like I've told you 700 times.
26:10
And if you do it again, there will be consequences. You will lose your computer time. Right.
26:15
But when it comes to social media, I feel like we need to have more of a conversation
26:19
because they're so smart and they come back with like, there's no data for that.
26:24
Show me the thing, mom, that says that social media is not good for you or show
26:28
me the data and all of this. They're smart.
26:31
So where does that conversation begin with them? Well, I mean,
26:34
I think taking a step back and just always having a forum for open communication.
26:40
So a lot of times there's past hurt feelings, resentments, things that have happened.
26:46
Clearing that out first with some of my families is super important because
26:50
you can sit on Zoom with me and fight in front of me about whatever it might be.
26:55
But it's really not the thing that we're talking about there.
26:57
You guys don't trust each other anymore.
26:59
So you're not at that point with the boys. That happens. Once we can get past
27:03
the resentment, work through trusting each other again, then it's finding those
27:07
times. I always say driving in the car, taking a walk when you're not face to face.
27:11
You're just kind of nonchalantly discussing things. And parents have to be open
27:14
to not trying to fix it if they share with them, not always giving them a lesson.
27:22
If your son comes to you and he's talking about something that happened in a
27:25
group text and right away you're like, I told you about that.
27:27
Like you jumped down his throat. Is he going to share with you again?
27:30
But if you were like, hey, do you want me to give you some advice on that?
27:34
And if he says no, then no.
27:37
And then, hey, maybe we can talk about that later. And then maybe bring it up
27:40
later if he's ready for some advice or feedback.
27:43
But sometimes they just want to be heard.
27:46
And you have to be careful not to freak unless it's something obviously super
27:51
crazy but if it's a basic thing and you feel yourself starting to bubble up
27:55
maybe you just have to respond with you know, hey Easton, what were you looking for?
27:59
Did you want to have a conversation about that? Do you want to discuss it?
28:02
Do you want me to just listen to you? And if he's like, yeah,
28:04
I just wanted you to listen I don't need you to fix anything.
28:06
We're always trying to give everyone the advice sometimes it's more like asking
28:10
permission it sounds weird for a parent to ask a child permission because you're
28:14
like, no, I'm the boss It doesn't mean that you're not the boss still,
28:17
you're still their parent,
28:18
but they're a human being with like feelings, emotions, thoughts, and it's not soft or...
28:25
But it's hard sometimes for parents to be vulnerable like that.
28:28
It doesn't mean you still aren't their parent.
28:30
It's just in that moment, he might not, it's going to cause a fight and he might
28:35
not be hearing you anyway. So why go there?
28:38
If he said, I don't really want to talk about that right now, I'll bring it up later.
28:41
You know, so I don't remember your initial question, but it was just kind of
28:45
going through that. No, that's it. The discussion with social media and how
28:47
you kind of start that conversation.
28:49
And with social media, interesting, like, I don't know if I've said this before,
28:51
I only got social media a couple years ago. I never had Facebook growing up
28:55
or even when it came out, I just was so against it.
28:58
One, I just didn't want my business out there. And two, I was a principal and
29:02
was like, no, I'm not going to have a picture of my bathing suit. Me in my bathing suit.
29:05
And so what's wrong with me having a bathing suit? Nothing. But,
29:09
you know, you felt weird about it. And then now I was like, OK,
29:12
I'm starting this business a few years ago.
29:13
And if no one ever hires me, at least I've put out positive content on social media.
29:19
And then I thought about with kids, you're never going to take it away.
29:21
So if you're a teacher, use it.
29:23
Like I had a teacher at my old school that did podcasts with their kids on history.
29:27
And he had the mics and the whole thing. So cool. So there's that.
29:31
And then there's, if your kids are little and you don't want them posting on media, absolutely not.
29:35
But if they're at the age where they're going to post something,
29:37
then maybe there's a way that you can show them what to post.
29:40
Is it positive quotes? Is it nature?
29:42
So using it appropriately. Yeah. And then with older kids, it's build your digital
29:47
resume. I have a lot of my kids that have graduated from my old high school
29:50
that I'm friends with on LinkedIn, and they're always posting amazing things.
29:53
So it's not all bad. It's just how you look at it and use it.
29:56
If you're modeling using it appropriately, you're putting positive podcasts about women out there.
30:01
Maybe your kids don't want to do a podcast. Maybe they want to do a podcast.
30:05
And is that bad? No, it's actually really awesome.
30:08
So, yeah. balance it's a
30:10
tool how you would have a conversation with your teen so that they're listening
30:13
to you without them seeming like you're telling
30:17
them what to do all the time i just find that we're constantly on
30:20
them we're all on our kids whether it's school stuff or dishes or sports it's
30:25
exhausting well one part of that is i don't have that with them so i'm like
30:31
i don't have the daily like i'm telling you no or i'm telling you what to do
30:36
thing a lot of moms are like can you just tell them the same things I'm telling them.
30:39
And I'm like, well, if I'm aligned with you, we have the same values and beliefs,
30:43
then yeah, I'm going to be that person that's going to get to them because I'm not mom.
30:46
So that's part of it. But then also part of it is like when my kids come to
30:50
me, I train them to come with an outcome.
30:53
So we're not just getting on a call and then they sit there and go,
30:56
I don't know. It's more of...
30:58
What outcome do you want? Okay, I want to speak about my lacrosse game that's
31:01
coming up or I have a big test coming up or I've had this problem with a friend, whatever it might be.
31:07
Having the outcome is important because then they're more receptive to making
31:11
progress and listening because they have something they want to overcome.
31:15
If they don't have something they want to overcome, that's okay too.
31:19
And, you know, we start with it. We talk about a win because it's always good
31:22
to build positive momentum at the beginning of the call. I have things that
31:25
I work on with them on emotional intelligence.
31:27
So there could be a time where they might not have a problem per se.
31:33
But, you know, what do they want to become better at?
31:36
What strengths do they have that they want to and skills that they have that they want to refine?
31:40
Is there an area in their life that they, you know, I have a lot of kids recently
31:43
that haven't been doing as much like volunteering and community service.
31:47
And I've been kind of like not pushing it and making them do anything.
31:50
It's more of like, what clubs are you a part of?
31:52
Oh, you're a part of this one? what would it take for you to do two
31:55
hours a week of community service there's a lot of questioning it's
31:58
a lot of having them come to their own conclusions so with
32:01
powerful questioning you get growth and powerful answers you know so that's
32:06
the part of it it's the it's flipping the script and it's more leading them
32:11
to what finding out what's going to work for them versus me telling them what
32:16
to do like I have a mom she wants her daughter to use a calendar more she's
32:19
a upper elementary homeschool.
32:21
I always talk to my parents. We use WhatsApp to communicate my kids and my parents
32:25
in between sessions whenever they want to, you know, communicate with me.
32:29
And she's like, can you work on this? Yes. I worked with her daughter on it
32:33
and her daughter came up with everything that she wanted to do to keep track of her calendar.
32:36
Mom was talking to her about it and it kind of wasn't getting anywhere.
32:39
She kind of knew what she wanted to do and I just led her to the answer that
32:44
works for her so it is kind of an art in a way there are three secrets.
32:50
You talk about that you share with families create more harmony can you share
32:55
with us what those three secrets one of them we talked about a little bit already
32:58
is that communication piece yeah and the being vulnerable and having that open
33:04
communication with them another is really.
33:09
Being on the journey together.
33:11
So if you're going to come to me and you're like, fix my kid,
33:16
that's not going to work.
33:17
It's like the car. Yeah. So it's being on that journey together.
33:20
Yes, we have WhatsApp and that's how we talk to one another.
33:23
But it's really like, where do you want your family to go?
33:27
What is that going to look like for Easton and your other son and your family?
33:32
Everyone has their individual unique plan where they see their family or they
33:36
don't know that yet and that's what we work on so it's really the communication
33:41
piece the the journey I feel like a big piece of it is that,
33:47
wellness mindset now you don't have to be a family that meditates you don't
33:52
have to be a family that goes on runs but i feel like a good secret is really
33:57
that holistic side of everything as well so it might be that you're into coaching
34:02
you want to improve you want to thrive as a family,
34:05
and you want to grow leaders and all that yet we're not only going to do it
34:10
like you said like the public school is great but the way they do it is one
34:14
way and how can we bring in other modalities that are going to work for your family.
34:20
So, yeah. The movement's a key part of what we do in our family.
34:24
I think a lot of families in this area. Yes. The kids are active.
34:27
The parents are active. Yes. Your state is so powerful.
34:31
Everyone knows Tony Robbins. And if you've ever been to his events or listened
34:34
to anything he said, it's all about state.
34:37
And you manage your state. If you wake up and you want to hit the snooze,
34:40
roll out of bed, start in a lethargic state and think of all the stressful things
34:43
you have to do that day, it's just negative. of what do you think you're going to get?
34:48
So it's just about creating your own reality. And that's super important.
34:51
If your kids are active and you're infusing that positive mindset and helping
34:55
them with strategies, they're going to create a very healthy life for themselves.
34:59
You have these frameworks for families.
35:01
What can you can you walk us through? Something I use is like these three circles.
35:05
That's one of the frameworks I can talk about mindset with athletes.
35:08
It's basically having them recognize their patterns.
35:11
So what zone are they in? Let's take soccer.
35:14
Everything's great. I'm playing center mid. I'm passing good.
35:16
I scored. I've had an assist.
35:18
What does that feel like, look like, sound like, break it down when you're in that zone?
35:22
Then there's the zone of like, I got taken out of the game. I swore under my
35:27
breath. It was just, it was a mess, right? Then there's that zone, right?
35:32
So how do we stay in a more powerful state and stay more time in the day in
35:36
a more powerful state and less time in that terrible state? So there's that
35:41
zone in between those two.
35:43
You got the one zone where everything's lovely.
35:45
You have the other zone where everything has fallen apart already.
35:48
But now it's that triggered zone in the middle there of...
35:51
Helping the kids recognize the minute you start to think a negative thought, feel a bad feeling.
35:58
So if you're thinking something bad about yourself, then it's not true because
36:03
you can feel it usually like your stomach somewhere.
36:06
You feel it doesn't feel good. OK, so now we know this isn't true.
36:09
But then we are so used to subconsciously thinking this thought about ourselves,
36:13
about every time there's a left handed picture I strike out.
36:16
So you already have this belief.
36:18
Is that who told you that? How did that come to be? So now I help them unwind
36:23
those thoughts, but also recognize, like, one, you have to put the things we do into practice.
36:28
So when you wake up in the morning, put those into practice to prevent yourself
36:32
from getting into a negative state.
36:33
And in that moment when you're playing soccer or whatever sport it is,
36:37
if you start to notice, like, I don't know, you got a handball and then you
36:41
kicked it out of bounds, like a couple things went wrong, then you start talking
36:44
poorly to yourself and then it spirals.
36:46
They call that the circus. It's
36:47
trying to keep yourself always by using strategies in that lovely state.
36:53
When you start to feel yourself because you're normal and you have feelings,
36:56
emotions and thoughts leaving that state, it's how quickly can you bring yourself back.
37:00
But that takes time. That takes practice. You don't go to the gym and build muscle in two days. Yes.
37:06
It's a lifelong thing. So it doesn't mean that just because I gave them a strategy
37:10
and we worked together for a few months, oh, poof, we're done. Great.
37:14
No, like this is going to continue. and then you're going to feel really good
37:16
and really bad. It's a journey.
37:18
The hope is that your emotional journey is just not, your lows aren't as low as they would have been.
37:23
Bad things are going to happen. You're going to be sad. You're going to have all the emotions.
37:28
But in the past, I might have been sad for a week about this one situation.
37:32
And now, after like an hour, I'm good.
37:35
Yeah. That's a lot for them to learn.
37:38
Oh, yeah. I mean, as adults, we keep learning. How do you get yourself out of that slump?
37:41
Well, it's one, like you said, you're working out as a family.
37:44
You're doing all those things. If you didn't do that, would you be okay?
37:48
Yeah, you'd be okay. But would you be as good as you guys are?
37:51
Would you be thriving? Right. Yeah. And that's what it's all about.
37:54
So what is your favorite part about doing this? Where do you find the joy and the spark?
38:00
Just literally talking to them and then seeing them transform.
38:04
Like yesterday I was on call and this girl's like, it's my birthday next week.
38:08
I'm having some friends over watching a movie and we're watching this Alona Holmes.
38:12
Alona Holmes. Yeah. It's such a cute show. So I've seen the movie and I said, hold on. to wait.
38:16
And I ran into my next door room and I just bought the Sherlock Holmes whole book of all the stories.
38:22
And she's like, oh my God. And we kind of geeked out for a minute on it.
38:25
Small thing, but it's like, those are, it's just aligned and it feels so good
38:30
and you have something awesome in common. And then to see where she was a year
38:35
ago and now where she is today, little by little, like it's the transformation.
38:39
It's like when you watch a home and garden show and they do a flip house.
38:43
Why do you watch it? Because of the transformation. Because you're just waiting for it.
38:47
So I'm looking at this kid and I'm talking to them and I can see where I might
38:50
want them to go or where they could be.
38:52
They don't realize. I'm like, do you see yourself as a leader? And they're like, what?
38:56
And then we might talk a month about different ways they can have leadership
39:00
opportunities and who they want to become. You know, like it didn't even cross their mind.
39:04
So it's interesting. I have kids that started with me, social media problems, girls, middle school.
39:10
And she just basically planned her whole seventh grade year of like all her
39:14
courses. And she has eighth grade plan.
39:15
And she's going to be some sort of engineer and forensics and all these things.
39:19
And a year ago, all she could worry about was this girl talking crap about her.
39:23
And now she could care less. And she's so focused on her goals and where she's going.
39:28
It's just powerful. It's just really powerful, like, the capacity that kids
39:32
have. And they're amazing.
39:35
So for parents that are listening today, which there are so many.
39:39
Hi, guys. Hi, parents. Who feel overwhelmed.
39:43
What's the first step that they can take, like, tonight at dinner or while they're
39:48
in their car with their teen?
39:49
I would say just doing something to take care of themselves.
39:52
Nothing to do with their kids.
39:54
I'm in this women's group once a week we meet online. It's about real estate.
39:58
And for one of the moms to say I took a bubble bath, it happens like once a quarter.
40:03
Should you ditch your whole family all the time? Well, if you want to,
40:06
they'll survive. I'm a proponent of that.
40:08
You know, but moms especially, not, you know, always moms, but I have a lot of dads too.
40:13
But mom, like, what are you going to do for yourself? If it's 10 minutes of
40:16
meditation in the morning, if it's just like go for a walk, if it's I'm not
40:21
going to cook dinner tonight.
40:22
But something for yourself regularly, then once you start getting in your best
40:27
state and feeling really good, then you are that much better for everyone else.
40:31
And then it's how do you bring your teen in? Like I had a mom who just started
40:35
working out. She doesn't love it, but she's starting to go.
40:38
I've been trying to get her daughter to work out forever and she just will not.
40:42
But with that being said, now that mom's going, we're hoping that now daughter goes.
40:46
So it's taking care of yourself. Do it for yourself. Be selfish.
40:50
It's not a bad thing. When you're feeling really good, that's when you want
40:53
to sit down with them, take a few minutes, do something fun together.
40:56
It doesn't matter what it is.
40:59
That undistracted time together. Whatever they want to do. Even if you hate
41:03
it, don't love it, don't even know what they're talking about, it doesn't matter.
41:06
Like, there's so many people that are like, I don't know why they like this.
41:09
But you got to snuggle for 10 minutes.
41:11
Or you got to just talk about anything. That connection.
41:15
But take care of yourself. This is so important. My whole family knows that.
41:20
If she's off, she's got to find a place. She's got to go sit. She's got to walk.
41:24
She's got 10 minutes by herself to reset. There's got to be that.
41:28
Don't ask me any questions right now. I need a timeout.
41:32
I need a timeout. I know there's this thing I just recently posted about 33 and me.
41:38
Take 30 minutes to figure it out on yourself.
41:40
If it's homeschooling moms and it's a question about science,
41:44
or if it's your son asking you a million questions about X, Y, and Z.
41:49
Come up with three solutions then come talk to me you've built
41:52
the autonomy they try to figure it out on their self half the time they're going to figure
41:55
it out on their own anyways and if they haven't figured it out
41:58
it's like teaching them because when they have a boss someday if they have a
42:01
boss are you going to go and complain to them or go with three solutions on
42:04
how we should do this differently it keeps them busy if he wants to do the snowboarding
42:09
school or whatever it is have him go research it have him handle it and then
42:12
come to you with solutions 33 and me yeah Oh, I love that.
42:18
Remember, everyone write that down. And not if you're driving.
42:20
And if your kid's young and he can't do 30 minutes, just have him come up with
42:23
one solution first. You know, you can scaffold it. You want to make my autonomy.
42:27
It gives them a little confidence that they can figure it out.
42:29
It's good for everyone. It gives
42:30
mom a time out to, like, not be the one figuring something out. Yeah.
42:34
I'm using that one. Use it. Okay. At the end, I asked three questions.
42:39
Is there something that you've changed your mind about recently?
42:41
That I've changed my mind about recently? This is probably...
42:45
Within the last couple months, it was subconscious, but it was more of like a self-worth thing.
42:51
I'm realizing, even though I'm older and growing with my kids,
42:55
I know my worth more now than I did two days ago, two months ago, two years ago.
43:01
I've changed my mind about myself and really just loving who I am.
43:06
I love that about aging. I feel like you feel who you are more and you appreciate who you are more.
43:14
I'm good. And you're probably going to like me.
43:16
And if you don't, that's what I'm saying. That's what we're saying.
43:19
Good. I like the other person. It's all good. Okay, that's a good answer.
43:23
The second question is, is there something on your bucket list that you've been
43:28
wanting to do? Yeah, I want to do horseback safari.
43:31
Oh. Oh, it's amazing. Where do you do that? Well, I don't know.
43:35
There's so many options. Somewhere in Africa.
43:38
And you just horseback ride and you camp and you see ridiculous animals.
43:44
And you're running with these animals. It's just unbelievable.
43:50
Wow. Yeah, that's definitely up there. That's probably next year.
43:53
I can't wait to see footage of that one. That is.
43:56
That's an incredible bucket list item. Yeah, I'm excited about that one.
44:00
And then the final question is, is there one piece of advice that you would
44:04
give to your younger self?
44:06
Everything that I'm doing with these kids. I would say, what's the big deal?
44:10
It's not that important. You know, I mean, we put so much pressure on ourselves.
44:15
And I can't even remember one of the things I put pressure on myself about in
44:19
middle school and high school. None of it really mattered.
44:22
We're all changing. We're all growing. It's all temporary. Just flow with it.
44:26
That took a long time. I was really type A, really high strung and all these
44:31
things. And now I'm still getting my stuff done.
44:35
I take inspired action versus push, push, push. Be in the flow.
44:40
It's all going to come to you.
44:43
That's a shift because society tells you differently. That's something you have to come up with.
44:47
Inspired action. I like that word. Good. So it doesn't mean don't do your homework.
44:52
No. But if you're trying to do your homework at 7 p.m. and you're too tired
44:55
and you're 11 years old, maybe you got to do it right when you get home from school.
44:58
Or shift for what works for you. It doesn't mean you don't still have responsibility,
45:02
But you have control over your day and what it's going to look like to an extent.
45:06
So when is it going to work for you? That's so funny because over the last couple
45:11
of years, I've just decided that certain things don't work for me and certain things do.
45:15
And why am I questioning the way things are working for me? Like,
45:18
if someone does it one way, why do I have to do it that way?
45:20
So I sat and just kind of, what is my day?
45:25
What do I want my day to look like? Works really well for me. I used to wake up at 5 a.m.
45:29
And work out every freaking day. Even when I was in high school,
45:32
I was like, got to do it, got to do it.
45:34
And I came to the realization that I was doing it because I was terrified I
45:38
wasn't going to do it. So there was a fear in there.
45:41
And then the other realization was like, I actually don't like working out at 5 a.m.
45:45
And my body really likes working out between the hours of like 8.30 and 9.30.
45:50
That is prime time for me.
45:51
That is when I can do my best work and my mind is not focused on other things. So I wrote down...
46:01
Just like, what does an ideal day look like for me? When do I wake up?
46:04
When do I think the most? I wake up and I want to not look at my phone.
46:08
So for the past year, I don't look at my phone when I wake up. It is game changer.
46:12
So I don't look at my phone. And then I putz around. I make the coffee,
46:15
make the breakfast, the lunch.
46:16
We all say goodbye, kisses, hugs. And then I'm like, all right, my brain's working now.
46:20
So I start working a little bit. And I'm like, all right, dog needs a walk. Body was ready to move.
46:25
I stopped berating myself for not working out if I can. Yeah.
46:30
And it was a really big shift for me.
46:33
Yeah. So you were you were as a kid, went to school on a certain schedule.
46:37
I'm not saying being on a schedule and having consistent habits isn't a good
46:41
thing. Yeah. And then I did I got a job and it was pushing the schedule, schedule, schedule.
46:45
And now I have my own business. That first summer, I felt like I was the laziest person on the planet.
46:50
But then I realized I can sleep in a little bit.
46:54
I can work out when I want to work out. I take my clients in the afternoon because
46:58
most of them have school.
47:00
And that works. Nine or ten o'clock. That's when I send my emails or whatever I have to do.
47:05
And we have to realize, like, that's okay. It's okay. Right.
47:08
And it's okay to be the 5 a.m. workout person as well if that works for you. Yes.
47:13
And there are some mornings that have to. Right. But if you're pushing yourself
47:16
to push yourself, like, I was talking to this mom the other day,
47:18
and she's like, my goal is to meditate twice this week. And I was like,
47:20
how long do you want to meditate for?
47:21
She goes, 15 minutes. And I was like thinking to myself, you don't have 15 minutes
47:26
each day because I know she does.
47:27
But it was like, hey, do you realize that the amount of time you've spent stressing
47:32
and worrying and guilting yourself about meditating, you could have just already done it.
47:38
You know, we spend so much time being like, it's not right because of whatever
47:43
reason. If you just sat in that chair when I leave for the next 10 minutes and
47:47
that was your meditation for the day.
47:49
Great. And guess what? If your routine changes and you want to take out Peloton
47:53
from your routine and add solid core, it doesn't matter. It's okay.
47:58
And that's changed too. Yeah.
47:59
Listen to your body. Do you want to do yoga today? Because guess what?
48:02
I'm not doing the Peloton right now. That's right. Not happening.
48:04
It's such a freeing feeling.
48:06
And what do you think kids want? To be heard and choice.
48:10
They just want to be listened to and then choice.
48:13
When I'm talking to parents, I'm talking to your 14-year-old self.
48:17
Yeah. Just like when I coach myself or have my coaches, they're talking to my 14-year-old self.
48:26
This has been so fun. I feel like we've just touched the tip of the iceberg
48:30
on all of these conversations. Great conversation.
48:33
I want you to come back. I want you to come back and I want to talk about other
48:35
things. Let's do it. Other topics. Because this could be really fun.
48:38
I'm flying back. I know. She flew in. This is a big deal.
48:42
Thank you so much for joining me today on She's Smart. New episodes drop every Thursday.
48:47
Don't forget to subscribe and share. Stay cozy.