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How to Make Conflict a Non-Issue · The No Cry Zone

• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: How to make conflict a non-issue.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Most people spend far too much energy trying to eliminate conflict or even believing that relationships can exist without conflict.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's an impractical expectation.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, I'd like to show you how emotionally mature people make conflict far less significant, even before it happens.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Jim Best, and welcome to the No Cry Zone for a sharper take on life.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Today I am in Masai Mara National Park in Kenya.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And just between you and me, I have been to Africa more than a dozen times.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Once a lifelong dream.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you share that dream and have questions, email them to media at upwardsbest.com.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be glad to share what I know about the many nations I have visited in Africa.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, if you're visiting Africa seems like a far-off dream, if I can do it, you can do it too.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I want to thank the many of you who gave us positive feedback on last week's No Cry Zone episode about the variable approach.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now this week I'd like to introduce a phrase I've been using lately, impractical expectations.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: They are expectations that sound good but simply aren't practical for real life.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: For example, expecting your spouse to always understand you.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Expecting your coworkers to never misunderstand an email or to fully support you.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Expecting your children always to appreciate what you've done for them and to continually mention it.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Expecting friends to go years without disappointment.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Expecting families to agree on everything during the holidays.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or expecting unconditional love.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or expecting that apology from something that has happened nearly two years ago.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Those aren't necessarily bad hopes, they're just impractical expectations.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And impractical expectations are one of the greatest creators of unnecessary conflict.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now before we go any further, let's define conflict a little differently than most people do.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: When people hear the word conflict, they picture shouting, arguments, angers, the slamming of doors, attorneys, broken relationships.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: But that's only one form of conflict, thankfully.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict is much broader than that.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict can simply be different perspectives, different priorities, different personalities, different interpretations, misunderstood intentions, unspoken assumptions, different communication styles, and of course, simply different expectations can cause conflict.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes conflict never even occurs externally.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: You've had this happen to you probably.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: It lives entirely inside one person's imagination.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: You think they're going to be upset, they're going to judge me, they're going to think I'm a fool, they might think I'm a show off, they might feel I'm needy, this conversation isn't gonna go well, there will never go for this.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now nothing has happened, yet you're already experiencing conflict and anticipating conflict.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: The conflict exists inside your own anticipation.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's important because once we broaden our definition, conflict suddenly becomes something much more ordinary.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, if you've interacted with three or four people today, you've almost certainly experienced some form of conflict already.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Not arguments, simply differences.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: And differences aren't emergencies, they're a part and parcel of being human and interacting with other people.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now, one of the biggest changes emotionally mature people make is this they stop being surprised by conflict.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean we welcome it, it doesn't mean we enjoy it, and it certainly doesn't mean we go out of our way to cause it.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: But we don't pretend it won't happen.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking about you and me as we interact as socially mature people.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Here's another impractical expectation.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: If we really cared about each other, we'd never disagree.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I wish I could get my wife to sign up for that program.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever met two intelligent people who agreed on absolutely everything?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: No, neither have we.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Different experiences create different conclusions.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Different personalities create different preferences.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Different priorities create different decisions and different agendas.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict isn't proof that something is wrong.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Often it's proof that two human beings are involved with each other.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of trying to eliminate conflict, emotionally mature people anticipate it.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: I like an old expression.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: You remember that one.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And another one is nip it in the bud.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Anticipation.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's one of our greatest skills.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Those expressions have survived because they're wise.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Think ahead.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: What misunderstandings are likely?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: What assumptions are forming?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: What might I have led someone to believe that they shouldn't believe anymore?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: What expectations haven't been spoken?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: What frustrations are quietly accumulating?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Those questions don't make you pessimistic, they make you prepared.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Great leaders do this, great parents do this, great spouses do this, great managers do this.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Don't wait until the explosion.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Anticipate.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Notice the spark.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Notice the potential of disagreement.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that's all that is needed.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you ask one simple question Can we clarify something before this becomes bigger than it needs to be?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: And we do this by saying things like, I was thinking that I might have led you to believe this, or I was thinking I might have given this impression, or it seemed like you were upset about something this morning.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Am I misreading that?
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or the famous beginning of a great way to absolve conflict is I may be mistaken, but it seemed to me So can we clarify something before this becomes bigger than it needs to be?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: That single sentence has probably prevented thousands of unnecessary arguments throughout history.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because emotionally mature people understand something very important and keep it in mind and act accordingly.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Most relationship problems don't arrive suddenly, they accumulate quietly.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you want an interesting perspective, look up what it means to put something in a gunny sack.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: That will tell you a lot of how conflict comes into relationships.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're gonna take a bit of a short break and hand the mic over to Brazen Pandor.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: She thinks I'm worth the time.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: She thinks I'm worth the time.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: She thinks I'm worth the time.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: She's worth the time.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the No Cry Zone.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: I forgot to mention, today we're enjoying one of the newer tracks from Brazen Candor.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's called Heaven Sent and Hellbent.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I often get asked, what's the story behind this or that song?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll give you a No Cry Zone exclusive.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Heaven Sent and Hellbent is a phrase that came to me quite some time ago.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: I love the conflict and irony in a phrase, and we've all likely known someone who seemed to be much of what we were looking for in a romantic relationship.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Ultimately, they turned out to be too much troubled to maintain a relationship with, or simply too much trouble.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I worked at that phrase in different settings and storylines.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: I suppose I'd like to say it just came to me, but this one didn't.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: It was hard-earned.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I think it was worth the effort, my endeavor.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: But let me know what you think of it.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, you can reach us at any time, media at upwardsbest.com, and we love to hear from you.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do we actually make conflict a non-issue?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Well, not by pretending everyone agrees, not by pretending everything is fine, not by hoping the problem goes away, not by avoiding difficult conversations, not by surrendering or becoming passive.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: And certainly not by trying to win every disagreement.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need to take every argument down to the okay corral.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, we change our expectations.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: When you expect perfection, normal human behavior feels suboptimal and it feels like betrayal sometimes.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: When you expect misunderstandings, clarification becomes easy.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: When you expect occasional disappointment, forgiveness becomes easier.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: It becomes easier to cut somebody a little bit of necessary slack.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: When you expect people to be imperfect, you're less likely to take every imperfection personally.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, notice what happened.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing changed about the other people.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's an impractical expectation, frankly.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: You changed your other expectations.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's a sign of your emotional maturity.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another important distinction.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ask yourself how can I avoid conflict?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Ask how can I reduce unnecessary conflict?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's a practical question.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's communicating earlier.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's asking instead of assuming.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's explaining instead of defending.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's listening a little longer before reacting.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's realizing that not every disagreement requires a verdict.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people see life differently.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: I've come to believe that relationships don't fail because conflict exists.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: They fail because people carried impractical expectations into those relationships.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: They expected perfect understanding, perfect agreement, perfect timing, perfect communication, perfect people.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Those expectations just aren't unrealistic, they are impractical.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: And when reality inevitably appears, people can flue something must be wrong.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Usually nothing is wrong.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Reality simply showed up.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'd like to leave you with one final thought.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: The goal isn't to eliminate conflict, the goal is to become the kind of person who isn't emotionally shaken every time conflict appears.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because conflict isn't the opposite of peace, misunderstanding and understanding usually begins with one emotionally mature person choosing to respond instead of reacting, choosing to anticipate, choosing to look forward and understanding what might be necessary to make this relationship better.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: And as I've said last week, somebody's gotta get the ball rolling.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Emotionally mature people take that responsibility.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is the no-cry zone, not because life becomes free of conflict, not because it's bad to cry, not because no not crying becomes a way of life.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a no-cry zone where we come in and we do take personal responsibility.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Life is not free of conflict.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: However, you are learning not to surrender your peace every time a conflict appears.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's how you make it a non-issue.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Think how good that will feel.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, keep your expectations practical, your perspective broad, and your emotional maturity showing and growing.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'll see you next week.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: But do remember, aspire, be enamored with living, come upwards with us.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Here's mrazen candor with heaven sent and hell bent.